Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Sharing my sadness about future in-laws

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Sorry this is upsetting you so much. You are dealing with some really unreasonable people. Part of me thinks you should just say screw it and do the wedding the way you want and not worry about whether they "disown" you. But I assume it is important to your fiance (and maybe you) to keep his family in your lives. I don''t know your full history, but I know you are planning another wedding in the United States. If you for some reason need to get married in the UK first for legal reasons, couldn''t you just do the civil cermony in the UK, and then you can have your US wedding just the way you want it, and then let his parents plan and pay for a big reception for you when you return? Just trying to think of possible ways to keep everyone happy without giving in too much.
 
Date: 3/3/2010 12:19:54 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Love and hugs to you, my friend.

Get some rest. When you''re sleep deprived, everything looks worse.
Click to expand...
Sooooooo true! A good sleep will help loads.

Gwen, I''m so sorry you''re going through this. I think at this point you need to take away all control over the wedding from your FMIL. I would call or send an email saying that you appreciate her offer to help but that you''ll be holding your reception at this restaurant and handling all details. Then I would send her an invitation just like any other guest.

I think she will eventually come around. Maybe your FI can suggest that she plan a family reunion since she has gotten so excited about throwing a big family party?
 
Aw Gwen... venturing in here from cs... Just feel like adding my bit here...

First off, the only thing you''re doing wrong is feeling guilty for being selfish
5.gif
Please, be more selfish. The only person you can control in this situation is yourself, and I don''t see that you are doing anything to cause this situation, and you have no control over their behavior. It is very good that your fh is by your side, this gives you a very strong position. I don''t think there is actually anything you can do to appease your FILs at this point. And even if you do cave in, and everything goes smoothly, what happens when the next time comes? I think you already know these things, but I would like to re-afirm them. You''re not silly, you''re not wrong, and you do have a strong position. You are not responsible for fixing this, it''s on them. Also, it''s probably not personal, and it''s probably not about you at all!

Unless these people are known to/practiced in actually cutting someone off, I think it''s an empty threat. Cutting someone off is a very hard thing to do, and even harder to sustain. And if they do manage to sustain it? Well... it would only be a matter of time until they cut you off for something else. You are NOT to blame if they do something this destructive.

So, take a step back, breathe, and remember all the wonderful things that make you wonderful. Remember all the things that are wonderful with your FH. Get your FH to tell you what he loves about you. There are a lot of negative things happening here, maybe taking a chance to remember the positive things will help balance it out. I mean, just look at how many people here feel compelled to try and give advice to try and help you out. We all want to you feel better
1.gif
You will get through this! Get some sleep! I do hope you feel better, and I will be watching for updates.
 
Elope. Seriously. It's pretty clear that his mother cannot be trusted to keep her word. Things have broken down beyond the point of repair. It's time for the two of you to take charge and have the wedding you originally wanted, on your own terms. Stop engaging with her manipulative behaviour - it's only escalating things.

Just get married. She will either come around after the wedding, or she never really cared about either of you - in which case, you really don't need her in your lives.

ETA: You should not be the one having to deal with his family. J should make it clear that he will not tolerate or listen to ANY criticism or negative comments about you - end of story.
 
Oh, Gwen--I am so so sorry. *Hugs*

You do not deserve any of this, but I am so glad that J is sticking by your side.
 
I''m so sorry, Gwen.
8.gif


Date: 3/3/2010 10:51:51 AM
Author: havernell

Honestly, I would go back to your original plan- taking a small group of family out to dinner after your wedding. If you can include J''s aunts and uncles (perhaps by going to a less expensive place) that would be a nice gesture and a way of keeping some peace with your FILs. I would just go and get invitations printed with the wedding and after-dinner partty info and send them out so that it would be the end of story interms of going back and forth between different wedding plans. I would have J tell his parents that you are planning to do this before you send them out (so they aren''t shocked when the find the invite in the mailbox) but he should be firm about this being what you both have planned. If your FMIL wants to fancy it up a bit by ordering nice floral centerpieces for the tables or something, that''s fine.
Click to expand...

This is exactly what I''d do. If they''re truly awful enough to "disown" you if you don''t go along with exactly what they want, I wouldn''t exactly bend over backward for them. This way, you''re including the extra family members for FMIL, but it''s still more in line with what YOU originally wanted.
 
Would you like for me to slap said in-laws upside the head with a big dead trout? I can pay my own way
11.gif


I''m really sorry the mam is going off the deep end. Sadly, I think she means well but has completely lost sight of your wedding through her wanting to put on the big show.

Let me make this perfectly clear Gwen, you are NOT doing anything wrong. Period. OK, now that we have that out of the way, how hard would it be on you to just let her plan the UK wedding as long as she pays for it all? I only ask because from what you''ve described, there''s not going to be any compromise on her part. She''s an old dog and her back is up. For the sake of J and future family peace, sometimes it''s just easier to give in if (and only if) it won''t kill ya to do so?

If you can''t just give in, then I''d go ahead and elope. Seriously. It''s not worth trying to have what you want because she will stand in your way, put up every obstacle, and generally bitch about it forever and ever anyway.

I wish I could give you a big hug, a pat on the shoulder, and a "now then, now then"
1.gif
 
I was going to suggest the same -- either let her plan the whole thing beginning to end and just "show up" to the UK wedding (and then have a beautiful celebration of your own making in the U.S.)... or elope and have no UK wedding. Not sure there''s really a middle ground. Can''t reason with crazy people.

I am SO sorry you are going through this. Big hugs. I am also very happy to hear that J. is on your side 100%.
 
(((((HUGS))))) may they come to their senses soon & realize that this is not their day; they do not control who is/isn''t invited & the feel of the wedding & reception. i wish you & j the best!
 
I tried to explain how difficult it is for me that my own brothers won’t be at the wedding, nor my best friends, and that the bigger deal we make of the UK wedding, the more they will be missing.


This. I think this lies at the heart of the matter. You want your "real wedding" to be in the USA. They have decided that they see the "real wedding" as happening in the UK. They want to make a big deal about it. Normally this would be ok, but trying to put the focus on the USA wedding means you necessarily will need to downplay the importance of the UK affair.

All of the power plays and the disregarding your views, the outfits for the neices and nephews, the lavish venues MIL insists on picking out, the SIL who won''t be making the trip to the USA, the extra guests for the UK wedding... I think it''s all stemming from this issue. They want this to be a big deal and see you as being the roadblock to making it one--making you out to be the ungrateful one who won''t let their son/brother have his "real wedding" with his family and friends.

I think you''re going to have to take a step back and decide what YOU want to get out of this. You need to decide if you are ok with having two pretty-big days or 1 small & 1 bigger day. Based on what you''ve said in the past about some of J''s family bailing on making the trip, and the limits of your family coming to the UK, it doesn''t seem like there is the possibility of having one BIG day--and that wasn''t actually ever the plan.

I think the only way you can make this work is to let go of this thought above and come to some zen about celebrating your joining in marriage twice, with those people who are there with you to celebrate. Having more people who want to celebrate with you in more places, well, that''s more of a blessing than a curse, right? No one expects you to have an absolutely bland UK wedding just because you are saving up to celebrate in the USA.

I''d say to give you MIL very specific instructions on what you want--up to XX people at XX place on this date. If she wants to dress up the grandkids, buy tons of flowers, play a few special songs, give a toast, then let her. You and J know when the real wedding is!
3.gif
 
zipzapgirl, I respectfully disagree. The comment I made about my brothers highlights the issue to me, but my ideal wedding has always been relaxed & casual--backyard BBQ reception with folks in what clothes float their boats. No heirarchy of friends, no dress code-- just everyone we love hanging out together and having fun. J's mother finds this completely offensive, because it is the oppsite of what she wants (despite many assurances to the contrary). She is a woman used to getting what she wants.

Perhaps ironically, the UK wedding is by far the more important: truth be told, it's the only wedding. The US reception is just a party. The UK wedding is the official day, the day we will celebrate every year, the day we truly and completely share one life. Even if we marry and go through a McDknald's drive-through, it's still our wedding day and therefore the most important day of our lives. I cannot see the US wedding as being more important, so I don't know if I could just let her do her thing and me just show up. I don't know.
 
More thoughts- I definitely agree that from now on, all wedding-related communications need to go through J. Then he will be the one telling them "No", not you. If he says no, are they going to tell him he's a terrible person? I doubt it. If they talk over him, he just needs to start saying "No." Not arguing or defending you, just plain "No."

Having a wedding in two locations is really tough, as both sides definitely do want theirs to be the 'real' wedding. As much as it pained me at the time, having a legal ceremony with just the two of us, and a 'real' engagement and 'real' wedding in the nebulous future has really made things easier on us. My FMIL has somehow both taken comfort in our legal status as well as the fact that we are 'saving' our vows until she can be there to hear them. Either way, our wedding is no long the dominion of either of our families, because legally, we're already married. Do I feel married? No, because we are clear that our 'real' wedding is still off in the future. But man does it take the pressure off!
2.gif


For the sake of your sanity, I offer the same solution- private legal ceremony with just the two of you, and then you have whatever ceremonial hoopla in wherever locations is desired by the families.

Regardless of whatever madness those days bring, nothing will be able to take away that private moment from you two.

Edit: Posted before I saw your clarification. I still say have the legal wedding privately, and then she can knock herself out by paying for whatever wedding she wants.
 
hi gwen :)

interesting situation.

you asked people to say (gently) if they thought you had done anything wrong, so here it is....

yes, i do. but not in anything that pertains to grace or good manners. i think you''ve made one big mistake in that you''ve been submissive from day one. they''ve come to (erroneously) believe that you can be led meekly by the nose in regards to any issue, and they''re now finding that you''ve gone as far as you''re willing to go, and the easy-to-push DIL has turned out to be not so easy to push at all. so they''re pushing harder. you''re resisting - yet pushing has always worked so *well* for them in the past...(so they push harder...) and on and on it goes.

you said a number of times in relation to different aspects that you hadn''t said anything, hadn''t told anyone, were trying to keep the peace, etcetc. stop. it''s time to STOP. it''s time to start being proactive and open and verbal and assertive about what you want. this woman is a BULLY. read *anything* about bullies, and you''ll see that bullies tend to collapse when pushed. you need to stop handing her your power and start reclaiming it. it''s time to work out what you want - and do it.

you want a BBQ? have one. you want a small dinner out? do it. you don''t want her at the wedding? go ahead and invite the people you want to the ceremony you want and let the chips fall where they may. she can go lock herself in a closet, drum her heels and hold her breath till she goes purple for all you care - you''re organizing a WEDDING for goodness sake, not a day care center for petulant adults! gees louise. rather than allowing her a stage for her drama (which she''ll resort to immediately if she feels it''ll get her what she wants), decide exactly what you want, inform all the interested parties, and then refuse to discuss it. this is possible - it just takes a great deal of resolve. if she chooses not to attend, that''s her call. but nobody is going to blame *you* if she acts like a big baby. just take away her audience, gwen. ''vote with your feet'', and all that sort of thing. she can''t keep yelling at you if you stop going over, stop talking to her on the phone, or quit reading her emails. let her know your decision for your wedding, then just go about doing it with all the grace, good humor and manners that being an adult dictates. i promise it will help if you stop giving her something to react TO. what she''s reacting to is YOU, so stop providing yourself as a point for her control.

look, if you don''t stand up to her now, i guarantee you this will escalate from here. when people compulsively grab control it''s not with an aim to a certain end or limit. their tendency is just to grab control - that''s what they do - and they continue to do it regardless until stopped. it has nothing to do with the situation. they just grab control. that''s what they do.

for your own sake, for the sake of future relationship with them, and for J''s sake - draw a line in the sand NOW and pull her in to heel. if you let her push this outrageous situation through, you''re sending a message that the sky''s the limit, and she won''t be able to help herself; compulsion works like that.

good luck, gwen - wishing you all kinds of backbone and chutzpah during a very difficult situation.

remember - less tears, more cojones! you can do it - because *you''re* a grown up!
 
Gwen, I am so sorry this is happening to you. You have my best wishes and I hope everything turns out. You didn''t do anything wrong and I hope the in-laws wil understand.
 
Condolences Gwen, I imagine anyone needs all this like they need a hole in the head. I would be worried about this woman's capacity to rain on your parade at any time in the future. Some people are more concerned with how the event will *look* to others and how much it will fit the bill in the culture than they are about anyone's feelings or personal requirements. It sounds like an almighty personality clash to me, and one I'd be quick to get away from. How to make everyone happy without bending your own character into doormat position? I don't think the rest of J's family can see or appreciate your position, but J can, presumably How about working out a solution that addresses the only two people who are truly on board. I doubt a scenario of full acceptance and appreciation is going to develop during this time, at least. How about setting off as you mean to continue: two independent adults who are starting out life together determined to see it through, come what may. My idea for this is polite, kindly withdrawal from dominating future in-laws...you appreciate the serious offer and would love to have a big, elaborate day as per FMIL's dream...but, you couldn't live with the knowledge that it cost so much, J feels bad about it too...so you'll just have to resign yourself to a make-do wedding (no deliberation, no space to insert the negative stylization they lash out with so they can get their own way): a simple elopement that good-willed future family members are free to show up for (no specific invitations). You'll be turning the tables to some degree, because you're setting up the deal and generously inviting them to take part as a sign of their interest in J's future life. Anyway, sorry for the circuitous effort here, and the best of luck
1.gif


ETA: Just read Whitby's points and sure as shooting, she's right. Bully is the term and only a similar brass neck or state of indifference will see you through.
 
Whitby is dead on. Take her advice to heart.

So sorry for your troubles, doll. You''re a wonderful person, and I know that somehow you will have a wonderful wedding. After all, at the end of it all, you''ll still have your J. :)
 
S**t Gwennie, I''m so sorry to hear this. I can tell how much you''re hurting, but please don''t let her bring you and J down. Can I say, I am very relieved to hear that he is sticking by you (not getting defensive), that will make these situations much more easy to handle in the future.

You deserve the wedding you want. You compromised (more than compromised) to make MIL happy, but now that she has shown her true colors by acting like a selfish brat, it''s time to do what you and J want - nothing more. You already tried your best and that''s all anyone can expect.

Wishing you lots of luck with this and sending BIG BIG ((((HUGS))))
 
Here comes the divorce mediator, Gwen. What does James really want to do? I know he says he''ll back you up, but in his heart of hearts what does he want?
 
Gwen -

I'm sorry to hear about the latest difficulties. I hope you get a good night's sleep and things look better when you wake.

A couple of quick thoughts. I'll say this as gently as possible, but you seem to be grieving for the U.S. wedding you can't have. You'd feel better if you focused on what each of these events can be, not what they can't be. You're having the U.S. event exactly as you want except for two things: it can't be the legal one, and his sisters aren't coming. So what? It can still be wonderful. And why couldn't you celebrate that day every year as well? It would be great to have two anniversaries.

As for the U.K. one, my first question is what does James want? Not just what he wants to do to make you happy, but what would he want if he were planning it himself? Whatever that is, that's what I think you should do for the U.K. event. If it's the same as what you want, that's great. If it's fancier or bigger than what you prefer, that's okay too because you're having the event you want in the U.S. It's not his fault that the U.S. event is only a reception. As for the FMIL, I don't have enough info to figure her out. And everything I know about English weddings comes from 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' but they seem like rather posh events where the ladies wear lovely hats.

ETA: I see Lulu was thinking the same thing!
 
Date: 3/3/2010 5:45:42 PM
Author: gwendolyn
zipzapgirl, I respectfully disagree. The comment I made about my brothers highlights the issue to me, but my ideal wedding has always been relaxed & casual--backyard BBQ reception with folks in what clothes float their boats. No heirarchy of friends, no dress code-- just everyone we love hanging out together and having fun. J''s mother finds this completely offensive, because it is the oppsite of what she wants (despite many assurances to the contrary). She is a woman used to getting what she wants.


Perhaps ironically, the UK wedding is by far the more important: truth be told, it''s the only wedding. The US reception is just a party. The UK wedding is the official day, the day we will celebrate every year, the day we truly and completely share one life. Even if we marry and go through a McDknald''s drive-through, it''s still our wedding day and therefore the most important day of our lives. I cannot see the US wedding as being more important, so I don''t know if I could just let her do her thing and me just show up. I don''t know.
Click to expand...


Honestly gwendolyn, I really feel like you just answered your own question (in keeping with PP''s post). If the UK (real, official) wedding is the most important one, and you cannot see yourself showing up for your MIL''s dog and pony show, eloping seems like the best (and only) option that will give you and J memories you will want to celebrate every year.
Best of luck and please please try to get some sleep.. everything seems worse when you''re tired
 
Date: 3/3/2010 6:36:35 PM
Author: whitby_2773
hi gwen :)


interesting situation.


you asked people to say (gently) if they thought you had done anything wrong, so here it is....


yes, i do. but not in anything that pertains to grace or good manners. i think you''ve made one big mistake in that you''ve been submissive from day one. they''ve come to (erroneously) believe that you can be led meekly by the nose in regards to any issue, and they''re now finding that you''ve gone as far as you''re willing to go, and the easy-to-push DIL has turned out to be not so easy to push at all. so they''re pushing harder. you''re resisting - yet pushing has always worked so *well* for them in the past...(so they push harder...) and on and on it goes.


you said a number of times in relation to different aspects that you hadn''t said anything, hadn''t told anyone, were trying to keep the peace, etcetc. stop. it''s time to STOP. it''s time to start being proactive and open and verbal and assertive about what you want. this woman is a BULLY. read *anything* about bullies, and you''ll see that bullies tend to collapse when pushed. you need to stop handing her your power and start reclaiming it. it''s time to work out what you want - and do it.


you want a BBQ? have one. you want a small dinner out? do it. you don''t want her at the wedding? go ahead and invite the people you want to the ceremony you want and let the chips fall where they may. she can go lock herself in a closet, drum her heels and hold her breath till she goes purple for all you care - you''re organizing a WEDDING for goodness sake, not a day care center for petulant adults! gees louise. rather than allowing her a stage for her drama (which she''ll resort to immediately if she feels it''ll get her what she wants), decide exactly what you want, inform all the interested parties, and then refuse to discuss it. this is possible - it just takes a great deal of resolve. if she chooses not to attend, that''s her call. but nobody is going to blame *you* if she acts like a big baby. just take away her audience, gwen. ''vote with your feet'', and all that sort of thing. she can''t keep yelling at you if you stop going over, stop talking to her on the phone, or quit reading her emails. let her know your decision for your wedding, then just go about doing it with all the grace, good humor and manners that being an adult dictates. i promise it will help if you stop giving her something to react TO. what she''s reacting to is YOU, so stop providing yourself as a point for her control.


look, if you don''t stand up to her now, i guarantee you this will escalate from here. when people compulsively grab control it''s not with an aim to a certain end or limit. their tendency is just to grab control - that''s what they do - and they continue to do it regardless until stopped. it has nothing to do with the situation. they just grab control. that''s what they do.


for your own sake, for the sake of future relationship with them, and for J''s sake - draw a line in the sand NOW and pull her in to heel. if you let her push this outrageous situation through, you''re sending a message that the sky''s the limit, and she won''t be able to help herself; compulsion works like that.


good luck, gwen - wishing you all kinds of backbone and chutzpah during a very difficult situation.


remember - less tears, more cojones! you can do it - because *you''re* a grown up!
Click to expand...



I''m still pretty new to Pricescope so I can''t figure out how to highlight - but this part:

"she can go lock herself in a closet, drum her heels and hold her breath till she goes purple for all you care - you''re organizing a WEDDING for goodness sake, not a day care center for petulant adults!"

is fabulous! one of my favourite lines from Pricescope ever!

I completely agree with Whitby and I think she did a great job of being gentle but pointing out some changes you can make in your interactions with you MIL. For your MIL''s part, she can choose how to participate in your new (and improved! at least in terms of your assertiveness) relationship.
 
Ditto Whitby.

Plan the wedding that you and your DF you want, and send FMIL an invitation. Period.

You can keep trying to dance to her tune, but chances are she''ll keep changing the tune mid-dance. She isn''t in it to put on a wedding, she''s in it to nurse some grievance she has against you. (and no, it''s nothing you did, and there''s no point in wasting any energy trying to figure it out.)

I''m sorry you''re going through this.
 
BIG DITTO WHITBY!
36.gif
 
Want me to call and be your "b!tchy American wedding planner"? Because I totally can.

If not, I think Whitby''s advice is spot on.
 
Gwen I have nothing much to add that hasn''t been said already. She who holds the purse strings holds the power - it might be time to wrest your power back here.

Anyway I just want you to know I''m reading and I''m thinking of you. Take care hon
35.gif
 
Hi Gwen, sorry about this stress. But I do hope you can take something away from Whitby''s post and take back your wedding. She''s already had her chance with her own and possibly with her two daughters'' weddings.

When people take control like your FMIL seems to be doing, it''s because we let them.
 
Gwen,

Thanks for clearing up some things. It looks like you''ve gotten some good advice here from lots of people. Just make sure you and J are on the same page throughout it all and it will all work out.

I was thinking about all of the eloping advice and remembered this wonderful episode from the office. Jim & Pam find out Michael is going to totally take over the wedding and they sneak off to elope. Then they''re able to go back to making fun of their crazy co-workers as usual becuase they can''t ruin it anymore. Hopefully it will give you a laugh. Chin up and hang in there!
4.gif


http://www.youtube.com/watch#!videos=HMKArBNxv4Q&v=0jqk5I236DQ
 
I''m so sorry for your difficulties Gwen. My dad is still throwing hissy fits about our wedding plans, it IS utterly draining, and it does make you feel like you are being selfish for not making them happy. However, you are an adult, and so are your FIL''s. Time for everyone to behave like one. And thank goodness J is on your side. Hope things look brighter soon!


(((HUGS)))
 
It pains me to read that this is a continued struggle for you, Gwen. Lots of hugs and positive thoughts.

I don''t know if this will help or not, but I would suggest you begin focusing on the marriage instead of the wedding. It is hard to get lost in the importance of the wedding and related spectale during the engagement, but I know you very much are interested in the marriage far more than the wedding. You need to address every single issue to the point of positive resolve that will impact your marriage. However, honestly, I would let just concede anything to your FMIL in terms of the wedding that you don''t believe will impact your marriage. Weddings, as important as they are to us, are merely a handful of hours in our lives together. Issues that you think will impact your marriage, though, clearly need to be discussed with everyone''s thoughts fully disclosed and considered.

I also think it is hard to know how you will feel about your wedding and reception before they occur. I felt completely different about the relative importance of my wedding versus reception before they happened than I do now, and had a different perspective on them in the time that immediately followed. So much of what becomes meaningful to you will be spontaneous events you could no way plan for, and I promise that these will happen even if you go through with "her" wedding.

Work towards the marriage. You will have happiness there. Even if the wedding itself stands as an unhappy obstacle, it will only be for a few more days of stress before you can wholly focus on the remaining decades of your lives together.
 
Date: 3/3/2010 9:32:51 PM
Author: KatyWI
Whitby is dead on. Take her advice to heart.


So sorry for your troubles, doll. You''re a wonderful person, and I know that somehow you will have a wonderful wedding. After all, at the end of it all, you''ll still have your J. :)
Click to expand...


THIS. You seem to stick to your guns... some of the time. And give a little here, a little there. She took complete advantage of that and she knows how important your family is to you and how you are already upset they all can''t attend. Don''t give her anymore. Explain what you want. That''s all that matters. Good Luck!
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top