Sharing my sadness about future in-laws

[blueroses]

Gwen, I''m coming out of lurkerdom to give you a big, huge ((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))
from across the pond. We''ve been having some IL issues--except that it''s MY parents directing it at my FH, but it really pales in comparison, so I truly empathize, but I can''t even imagine. It must be so painful--especially to be going through this so far away.

Hang in there. It sounds like your FH really has your back, but that doesn''t mitigate the sting.

I think the private ceremony suggestion is a good one. (Though I take some evil delight in thinking of Freke on the phone as the evil Yank wedding planner. That''d be fun.)

Hang in there, sweetie. Take some time just for you if you can and remember this is about HER.

HUGE hugs.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/4/2010 12:17:43 PM
Author: katamari
It pains me to read that this is a continued struggle for you, Gwen. Lots of hugs and positive thoughts.

I don''t know if this will help or not, but I would suggest you begin focusing on the marriage instead of the wedding. It is hard to get lost in the importance of the wedding and related spectale during the engagement, but I know you very much are interested in the marriage far more than the wedding. You need to address every single issue to the point of positive resolve that will impact your marriage. However, honestly, I would let just concede anything to your FMIL in terms of the wedding that you don''t believe will impact your marriage. Weddings, as important as they are to us, are merely a handful of hours in our lives together. Issues that you think will impact your marriage, though, clearly need to be discussed with everyone''s thoughts fully disclosed and considered.

Beautifully written and excellent advice. Puts into words what my tired brain could not figure out how to write.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I don''t post here much anymore...but I lurk occasionally, and when I saw this thread it just broke my heart. One, because Gwen I always liked you...and secondly, because I''ve been where you are...

My best advice is that you need to be a bulldozer, girl. You need to face these issues head on and put them where they belong--period.

People will do whatever they think they can away with. Sure, this may be the wedding bringing out the beast in an otherwise tame MIL...but it may also be a precursor of things to come. No one has the right to speak to you that way...no one. I mean that. And the fact that she is and does and thinks nothing of it is just plain wrong. Take it back to grass roots--do onto others as you''d have done unto yourself. I highly doubt this woman would appreciate, let alone stand for, someone speaking to her the way she does you. It''s just unacceptable. It''s just not done.

On a personal note, I let my in laws get away with speaking to me horribly for years. I, like you, thought that being optimistic and always doing the right thing would eventually put me on top...and you know what? Never happened. Things just got worse and worse. My relationship with the IL''s became so layered with resentment and anger and frustration that no amount of "good deeds" would ever undo the past and the hurt they put me through. All of this because when it first started I didn''t have the piece of mind to tell them that I was a human being with feelings and wasn''t going to tolerate being put through the wringer for their amusement and enjoyment. Eventually things came to a head...but that''s another story.

People can wax poetic about focusing on the marriage and less on the wedding...and I agree 1000%. But in doing so you need to deal in reality. If you think that this treatment is isolated to the wedding, that''s one thing...but my experience was that once the wedding was over, there was always something else to bully me over, insult me about, cut me down for. So, if you''re looking towards the future, start with today. Next time she gets on you for anything or any reason you tell her--in no uncertain terms--that you''re not going to be spoken to that way, and you''re not going to be influenced by her anger or frustration either. A bully is a bully is a bully...I don''t care if it''s a kid on the playground or a future mother in law...it makes no difference, it all needs to be dealt with the same way, directly and concisely. I know it may be uncomfortable or awkward...you may fear more bad than good will come from it...but Gwen, you''re a force to be reckoned with and you don''t even know it. Once she hears for herself just how strong you are, a change will come...believe that.

Don''t allow her to intimidate or hurt you...she''s not worth it, no one is. You''re a smart, beautiful girl--and James is so lucky to have you in life. You just need to find your voice. ((hugs to you))

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Italia, I just wanted to say welcome back. It''s nice to see you and your cute puppy back around these parts.

 

[decodelighted]

Elope ... just the two of you. That''s the day you celebrate your anniversary. That''s the important day. Then there are two parties: the US & UK. You can relinquish control (and cost) of the UK party -- just show up. If that''s not "good enough" for them then no UK party period.

They can maintain a relationship with J if they wish. Maybe they''ll wise up with distance and once the ABILITY to wrest control of this situation is over. While she still has HOPE to take total control, she''ll never be rational.

Good luck. This must be horrible for both of you. What wankers they are.

 

[Porridge]

{{{{{{{BIG HUGS GWEN}}}}}}}}}

I completely agree with Whitby and Italia (great to see you back Italia!). It''s a friggin WEDDING for god''s sake...YOUR wedding! They''ve had two already. Why the need for another extravagant party? Gah. Anyway hon, this is just the beginning, so you need to firmly plant your foot down and don''t budge it. You do what you and James want to do. United front, maintained at all times. These people will push you around for the rest of your life if you don''t nip this crap in the bud.

Now, chin up dear. No more tears over these bullies. It''s time to accept that they''re not wonderful in-laws. I know it''s tough being so far from family and friends in a foreign country. But you''re a tough girl. You won''t let these people make your life miserable. You''re better than that. It''s time to shake it off, rediscover your strength, get all girl power on their asses. Make an ass-kicking playlist for when you''re feeling shaky, you more than any of us know how music can get you fired up!

Take control and build your own family, friends, and happiness with your wonderful future husband. Don''t you let a gaggle of silly numpties get in the way of that.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/4/2010 6:51:06 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Italia, I just wanted to say welcome back. It''s nice to see you and your cute puppy back around these parts.

+1

 

[dragonfly411]

Gwen - I just saw this, sorry I''m late, but I wanted to send you a hug. I recently had some nasty things said about me by one of SO''s family members... and it hurts a lot. I really hope that you guys get to have the happy day that the two of you want. Don''t let her rain on you!

Italia - please post more, we miss you! Glad to see you!

 

[Indylady]

Just one more hug...

 

[Dandi]

Oh Gwen, you poor thing. My heart really goes out to you and J. What a rotten development. Keep your chin up darling, we''re all thinking of you and desperately hope this all resolves!!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 3/4/2010 7:39:32 PM
Author: decodelighted
Elope ... just the two of you. That''s the day you celebrate your anniversary. That''s the important day. Then there are two parties: the US & UK. You can relinquish control (and cost) of the UK party -- just show up. If that''s not ''good enough'' for them then no UK party period.

They can maintain a relationship with J if they wish. Maybe they''ll wise up with distance and once the ABILITY to wrest control of this situation is over. While she still has HOPE to take total control, she''ll never be rational.

Good luck. This must be horrible for both of you. What wankers they are.

I like this idea! The important day, your way, and then have parties for the other two. I hope you are feeling better gwen!!

 

[doodle]

Honestly Gwen, if you''ve done anything wrong AT ALL, it''s that you''ve tried too hard to be Susie Sunshine and keep everyone else happy, and in the process, you''ve let others steal happiness away from you and what should be the happiest time of your life. This isn''t about your parents, his parents, your siblings, his siblings, your friends, his friends, your country, his country, your pets, his pets, or any other your/his I could come up with. It''s about YOU and HIM. If his Mommy Dearest doesn''t like that, she''ll just have to get over it. YOU are going to be his family for the rest of your lives together, and she shouldn''t be calling the shots anymore. You might as well tell her to stuff it now--I mean, do you really want her flying in on her broomstick every Christmas to tell you how offended she is that the decorations in your living room are prettier than the ones in your dining room??? I know it''s much easier said than done, but quit catering to her whims! And even MORE easier said than done, but quit internalizing everything she says and does toward you that''s heinous--it isn''t even about you or her hating you or you being a terrible person. She''s just pissed off that the whole world doesn''t automatically bend over backwards to obey her, and you getting upset makes her feel like she has power. Don''t give her that satisfaction--you''re just far better than that. Sorry if that sounds harsh at all. The whole thing just makes me mad because I know what a sweetheart you are, and you don''t deserve her #$%!.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Gwen...just thinking about you...how''s it goin''??

I was reading the Miss Manners article someone posted and one of the questions reminded me of the situation you are dealing with. You know what her advice was??? ELOPE!!!

Anyway, I hope you are okay!!!

 

[dcgator]

Gwen, I don''t have much more to add, but I wanted to say how very sorry I am that you IL''s are making your life miserable. You are a very sweet person and I hope that you are able to see that you aren''t doing anything wrong.

I hope that you and J find an amicable solution with the evil MIL. ((((HUGS))))

 

[Gypsy]

Wow. HUGE HUGS Gwen. Your FMIL sounds like a momzilla. Is there anyone with a bit of sense left in the family, or have they all followed her over the cliff already?

 

[stepcutgirl]

I didn''t take the time out to read what everyone else said, so I apologize if I am repeating something already said but J''s mother sounds like a mental terrorist. It''s you and J''s choice but if someone was going to cut me out of their life because I wanted to spend my money and have my wedding the way I wanted it...hit the road. What if she thinks you should (if children are an option) raise your children only the way she says? Or only spend money as she sees fit. Screw that.

I''m sorry you are hurting. Don''t let her win. If you let her win now there will be more battles down the road.

 

[clockwork]

Date: 3/4/2010 3:51:45 PM
Author: fiery

Date: 3/4/2010 12:17:43 PM

Author: katamari

It pains me to read that this is a continued struggle for you, Gwen. Lots of hugs and positive thoughts.


I don''t know if this will help or not, but I would suggest you begin focusing on the marriage instead of the wedding. It is hard to get lost in the importance of the wedding and related spectale during the engagement, but I know you very much are interested in the marriage far more than the wedding. You need to address every single issue to the point of positive resolve that will impact your marriage. However, honestly, I would let just concede anything to your FMIL in terms of the wedding that you don''t believe will impact your marriage. Weddings, as important as they are to us, are merely a handful of hours in our lives together. Issues that you think will impact your marriage, though, clearly need to be discussed with everyone''s thoughts fully disclosed and considered.

Beautifully written and excellent advice. Puts into words what my tired brain could not figure out how to write.

My humble advice: Heed in particular the part in bold above. Hope you are doing well.