reena
Ideal_Rock
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she stole my ring...
- Thread starter twinkletoes
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JohnQuixote
Ideal_Rock
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Glad to be of service, M'lady
As several have offered, confrontation is an option (and, no doubt, the necessary path for some). However, that choice depends entirely on who you are, who she is and especially on timing. My concern is that it’s presently “her moment” in the spotlight with family and friends. If you throw down this gauntlet and she responds with pettiness and spins it for ill, the episode could backfire and somehow reflect poorly on you. Such a spin would be unjust but, unfortunately, these ironies are rife. Treat the situation according to your instincts.
Either way, I believe the sting of her insult will fade and in the long run you will be the happier no matter what path you choose. Meanwhile, let yourself enjoy the fun and pageantry of the wedding and your other common friends. It sounds like you deserve to have a good time right now!
Best to you and your boyfriend,
ame
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Diamondsbybree
Brilliant_Rock
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WHAT A WITCH~!!!!! But like John said.... Sounds like the girls wants to be you.
Now you need to find another mounting, not the one you want, but one that you can BRAG really hard how much you want your sweetie to buy for you. Maybe she will pick the "NEW" ring choice of yours??????
Try not to think to much about what a B*TCH she is being. Just try to out think her the next time.
Now you need to find another mounting, not the one you want, but one that you can BRAG really hard how much you want your sweetie to buy for you. Maybe she will pick the "NEW" ring choice of yours??????
Try not to think to much about what a B*TCH she is being. Just try to out think her the next time.
Jennifer5973
Ideal_Rock
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Hope nobody minds; here is my maid of honor story for reena.
When my husband and I got married, we did everything ourselves. His parents don't have a lot of money and mine were in the middles of an acrimonious, utterly horrendous, beyond all rationality divorce. I was working 3 jobs, 7 days a week--grad assistant, tutor and make-up girl at local dept. store while my husband went to law school, worked as a grad asst. and did odd jobs on weekends. We had to do everything ourselves. And we were living together on our own too.
My maid of honor was a few years older than I and we had been friends for several years through college & grad school. Shortly into the whole thing, she started complaining about how expensive everything was...her dress, her shoes, etc. The dress shop had a policy--1/2 up front to order the dress. I explained this to her and told her that we could wait until she had the money, etc. I couldn't help her out--I didn't even know how I was going to pay for MY dress!
Anyway, we went one night finally for her dress and she made a big scene in the store about only having $25 to put down...I was mortified. The saleslady accepted it and then we went out to dinner to "celebrate." She ordered the most expensive wine and seafood entree while I had lemon water & a bowl of pasta marinara... and she started bragging about her vacation the following week to some resort where she was going to buy some exotic ring for $1,200. Something clicked in my head and I thought about it for a couple of days then called her and told her that I could appreciate her financial woes and I wanted her to just come to the wedding as my guest and not worry about all the maid of honor stuff. I sent back her deposit. Another friend of mine--who was just wonderful--stepped in and had the dress(which was already en route) tailored to her size.
I invited her to the wedding and she wrote back "does not want to attend" instead of just checking off "will not attend." That is the last time I ever heard from her. Oh, and when she cashed my check, she put a rude comment on the memo line....
You know, if she didn't want to do it, that was fine but to torture me during an already stressful time over a $189 dress and $29 shoes was unfair. And I meant it when i told her to just come as a guest. This sounds conceited but I think she was jealous that i had a great guy and depsite our hardships we were already a team--true partners--and she had nothing but a history of screwy, failed relationships.
PS We pulled it off too--we kept the guest list to only 120 and had a Friday night wedding but it was top-shelf and just magnificent. People still talk about the food and how beautiful the place was. We were in debt for a number of years but to this day, we still say it was so worth it.
When my husband and I got married, we did everything ourselves. His parents don't have a lot of money and mine were in the middles of an acrimonious, utterly horrendous, beyond all rationality divorce. I was working 3 jobs, 7 days a week--grad assistant, tutor and make-up girl at local dept. store while my husband went to law school, worked as a grad asst. and did odd jobs on weekends. We had to do everything ourselves. And we were living together on our own too.
My maid of honor was a few years older than I and we had been friends for several years through college & grad school. Shortly into the whole thing, she started complaining about how expensive everything was...her dress, her shoes, etc. The dress shop had a policy--1/2 up front to order the dress. I explained this to her and told her that we could wait until she had the money, etc. I couldn't help her out--I didn't even know how I was going to pay for MY dress!
Anyway, we went one night finally for her dress and she made a big scene in the store about only having $25 to put down...I was mortified. The saleslady accepted it and then we went out to dinner to "celebrate." She ordered the most expensive wine and seafood entree while I had lemon water & a bowl of pasta marinara... and she started bragging about her vacation the following week to some resort where she was going to buy some exotic ring for $1,200. Something clicked in my head and I thought about it for a couple of days then called her and told her that I could appreciate her financial woes and I wanted her to just come to the wedding as my guest and not worry about all the maid of honor stuff. I sent back her deposit. Another friend of mine--who was just wonderful--stepped in and had the dress(which was already en route) tailored to her size.
I invited her to the wedding and she wrote back "does not want to attend" instead of just checking off "will not attend." That is the last time I ever heard from her. Oh, and when she cashed my check, she put a rude comment on the memo line....
You know, if she didn't want to do it, that was fine but to torture me during an already stressful time over a $189 dress and $29 shoes was unfair. And I meant it when i told her to just come as a guest. This sounds conceited but I think she was jealous that i had a great guy and depsite our hardships we were already a team--true partners--and she had nothing but a history of screwy, failed relationships.
PS We pulled it off too--we kept the guest list to only 120 and had a Friday night wedding but it was top-shelf and just magnificent. People still talk about the food and how beautiful the place was. We were in debt for a number of years but to this day, we still say it was so worth it.
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
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single white female.
your friend definitely has got some issues, it's unfortunate that she has done this to you with an important item to you and one that you felt was truly unique. confrontation with friends is very hard, especially during happy (and stressful) times like a wedding.
rather than confrontation, i would suggest to take the ring you liked, adapt it and add a few more things that you really loved in other rings (aka filigree or hand-engraving, some pave or different style of prongs or similar), and have it made custom. chances are it will not be more expensive than a branded piece, and custom is entirely yours, 100% unique and your friend can't copy it unless they sit there and sketch it off your hand!! i wouldn't tell her you are doing this.
oh and be sure to get it after hers!
your friend definitely has got some issues, it's unfortunate that she has done this to you with an important item to you and one that you felt was truly unique. confrontation with friends is very hard, especially during happy (and stressful) times like a wedding.
rather than confrontation, i would suggest to take the ring you liked, adapt it and add a few more things that you really loved in other rings (aka filigree or hand-engraving, some pave or different style of prongs or similar), and have it made custom. chances are it will not be more expensive than a branded piece, and custom is entirely yours, 100% unique and your friend can't copy it unless they sit there and sketch it off your hand!! i wouldn't tell her you are doing this.
reena
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wow--what a nightmare, jenn, she does sound just horrid! i think you're 100% right when you said that her behavior might be explained by jealousy. that's gotta be it. still though, you have to be proud of the way you handled it--you stood up for yourself, but you did it with class. (that can be a tough thing to do when you're angry!)
sigh, i'll just never understand some people . . .
thanks for sharing the story.
sigh, i'll just never understand some people . . .
thanks for sharing the story.
Diamondsbybree
Brilliant_Rock
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ame
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Man. That sucks! I hate people like that. Freaking out over a fairly affordable dress but spending the money they "don;t have" on other petty crap. I have a LOONG NASTY STORY:
A girl in my best friend's wedding party (I was maid of honor and her sister matron of honor) got 2 DWIs in about 6 months time (why she wasn't kept in prison I don't know) and had no money because of legal fees. She never took responsibility for it and always blamed the cops for pulling her over for this and they were always out to get her...she'd pay her bail and then freak out about not ever having money. Or so we thought. We found out later that she still went out drinking and partying and paying for overage on her cellphone bill, going out of town partying...etc. She had plenty of money for everything but what she needed to buy. We spent nearly 1000 on this girl's showers and 300 on dresses and shoes and hair. Magically this girl always had money "just let me know what I owe and Ill send a check". Well that money was always magically gone when we'd cash the check. Then she'd cuss one of us out for cashing it. The matron of honor finally had it (well I had before then but promised her I wouldn't kill this girl who I have never liked--in fact I downright hate her with a passion that I cannot even begin to describe, and now that the bride finally saw what a waste of human life this girl is she no longer has any friends at all. With good reason). She ripped her one after our second meeting for the shower, this girl still had not ordered her dress, 2 months before the wedding! Her reason: because she thought the dress was ghastly and hoped the bride would let her get something else. SHe hated the shoe choice and kept fighting EVERY decision the bride made. Every time she would do something absolutely awful and was asked nicely or told not nicely about it she would run to the bride. The bride would delegate her to us...which as muc has we hated we secretly loved to mess with her more. Eventually the bride paid for her dressbecause she couldn't bring herslef to kick the girl out. The girl had it altered so that her boobs were half hanging out of the top, she had hoped to land herself a groomsman...they are all very happily married. (more on that later) At the rehearsal dinner, she shows up in WHITE BIKER SHORTS and a SHEER WHITE TANK TOP and a WHITE hoodie! WITH A WHITE BANDANNA IN HER UNWASHED HAIR AND HOOKER HEELS with grommets (the ones she wanted to wear to the wedding that the bride vetoed). She reeked of booze and looked and smelled like she hadn't showered in a few days. Keep in mind this girl is seriously a little over 350 lbs at 5ft 2. She hands me this check for 40 bucks (another bad check) loudly and obviously in front of everyone in the MIDDLE OF THEM PRACTICING THEIR VOWS and proceeds to cuss at me about how rude and uncool I was for badgering her for money and bringing it up now. It wasn't mentioned for about a week at that point and the Matron had mentioned to her that we needed the money she kept promising us because we had other uses for it. We had at that point, after another lie and put off from her, given it up. Well go through the rehearsal dinner, she gets drunker and hits on a groomsman and climbs all over him with his wife sitting there just disgusted. The rest. staff asks her to leave because her boobs are showing and no one wants to eat now. (had to laugh)
The next day she shows up in her altered gown, with her hair still unwashed and just ...lookin bad, makeup half off and half smeared and half out of it, and the bride just can't even figure it out. We tell her to get cleaned up, she kind of does. Get through the day just fine till picture time in the limo...she gets hammered, then starts flashing her chest all over the place, trying to get on the same groomsman who proceeds to move to the front with the driver pretending to have a secret photo location. She moves on to another guy, then the MOH's husband...she just..wow. Eventually the bride just told her to stay in the limo and we all did the pictures without her. We get to the reception, the staff accidently lit the centerpieces on fire, then we all get introduced wrong (funny as hell) eat, dances and cake....that girl left with her parents without a goodbye...no one knew she was gone. And to this day we have seen or heard nothing from or about her.
I think Jenn's still wins.
A girl in my best friend's wedding party (I was maid of honor and her sister matron of honor) got 2 DWIs in about 6 months time (why she wasn't kept in prison I don't know) and had no money because of legal fees. She never took responsibility for it and always blamed the cops for pulling her over for this and they were always out to get her...she'd pay her bail and then freak out about not ever having money. Or so we thought. We found out later that she still went out drinking and partying and paying for overage on her cellphone bill, going out of town partying...etc. She had plenty of money for everything but what she needed to buy. We spent nearly 1000 on this girl's showers and 300 on dresses and shoes and hair. Magically this girl always had money "just let me know what I owe and Ill send a check". Well that money was always magically gone when we'd cash the check. Then she'd cuss one of us out for cashing it. The matron of honor finally had it (well I had before then but promised her I wouldn't kill this girl who I have never liked--in fact I downright hate her with a passion that I cannot even begin to describe, and now that the bride finally saw what a waste of human life this girl is she no longer has any friends at all. With good reason). She ripped her one after our second meeting for the shower, this girl still had not ordered her dress, 2 months before the wedding! Her reason: because she thought the dress was ghastly and hoped the bride would let her get something else. SHe hated the shoe choice and kept fighting EVERY decision the bride made. Every time she would do something absolutely awful and was asked nicely or told not nicely about it she would run to the bride. The bride would delegate her to us...which as muc has we hated we secretly loved to mess with her more. Eventually the bride paid for her dressbecause she couldn't bring herslef to kick the girl out. The girl had it altered so that her boobs were half hanging out of the top, she had hoped to land herself a groomsman...they are all very happily married. (more on that later) At the rehearsal dinner, she shows up in WHITE BIKER SHORTS and a SHEER WHITE TANK TOP and a WHITE hoodie! WITH A WHITE BANDANNA IN HER UNWASHED HAIR AND HOOKER HEELS with grommets (the ones she wanted to wear to the wedding that the bride vetoed). She reeked of booze and looked and smelled like she hadn't showered in a few days. Keep in mind this girl is seriously a little over 350 lbs at 5ft 2. She hands me this check for 40 bucks (another bad check) loudly and obviously in front of everyone in the MIDDLE OF THEM PRACTICING THEIR VOWS and proceeds to cuss at me about how rude and uncool I was for badgering her for money and bringing it up now. It wasn't mentioned for about a week at that point and the Matron had mentioned to her that we needed the money she kept promising us because we had other uses for it. We had at that point, after another lie and put off from her, given it up. Well go through the rehearsal dinner, she gets drunker and hits on a groomsman and climbs all over him with his wife sitting there just disgusted. The rest. staff asks her to leave because her boobs are showing and no one wants to eat now. (had to laugh)
The next day she shows up in her altered gown, with her hair still unwashed and just ...lookin bad, makeup half off and half smeared and half out of it, and the bride just can't even figure it out. We tell her to get cleaned up, she kind of does. Get through the day just fine till picture time in the limo...she gets hammered, then starts flashing her chest all over the place, trying to get on the same groomsman who proceeds to move to the front with the driver pretending to have a secret photo location. She moves on to another guy, then the MOH's husband...she just..wow. Eventually the bride just told her to stay in the limo and we all did the pictures without her. We get to the reception, the staff accidently lit the centerpieces on fire, then we all get introduced wrong (funny as hell) eat, dances and cake....that girl left with her parents without a goodbye...no one knew she was gone. And to this day we have seen or heard nothing from or about her.
I think Jenn's still wins.
jenibear
Shiny_Rock
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Bless your pure little heart twinkletoes.
I would have ripped tha girl a new a**hole.
There is nothing worse than a friend so petty that she has to one up you every chance she gets.
I understand the pain.
My former best friend - we still talk sort of - got all bent out of shape when I started dating my now husband because it meant not calling her 10 times a day to hear about her crazy made up drama. Oh the horror.
I had many a friend ask me is she was gay and in love with me. Not true - though that would have been a great story.
I think it was as John described - she admired me and hated me all the same. Still does. I was what she wanted to be but she couldn't be me. And she was so unhappy with that fact that she wanted to undo all that made me happy.
I won't even get into what the evil witch did to me about her bachelorette party or metion the fact that she didn't come to my shower, wedding or bachelorette party. Oops, did I mention that?
Twinkletoes honey, I think you and I have the same friend.
My favorite argument with this "friend" was over the fact that I made her feel guilty for making me feel bad. She was a beotch and she hurt my feelings (about what I can't recall) and I made it known - very nicely I might add - and she turned around and made it seem like I was the bad person because I made her feel bad and how dare I. When I always had to apologize for hurting her feelings accidentally.
Sigh. Some people.
Her problem is she thinks everything should be handed to her on a platter, that the world revolves around her and everyone should do as she asks, not as she does.
I feel for you TT, I really do.
The best thing to do is distance yourself from her because it will only get worse, believe me. I KNOW
Edited to add: Ame and Jennifer - those are brutal stories. Women are sometimes such catty drama queens.
I would have ripped tha girl a new a**hole.
There is nothing worse than a friend so petty that she has to one up you every chance she gets.
I understand the pain.
My former best friend - we still talk sort of - got all bent out of shape when I started dating my now husband because it meant not calling her 10 times a day to hear about her crazy made up drama. Oh the horror.
I had many a friend ask me is she was gay and in love with me. Not true - though that would have been a great story.
I think it was as John described - she admired me and hated me all the same. Still does. I was what she wanted to be but she couldn't be me. And she was so unhappy with that fact that she wanted to undo all that made me happy.
I won't even get into what the evil witch did to me about her bachelorette party or metion the fact that she didn't come to my shower, wedding or bachelorette party. Oops, did I mention that?
Twinkletoes honey, I think you and I have the same friend.
My favorite argument with this "friend" was over the fact that I made her feel guilty for making me feel bad. She was a beotch and she hurt my feelings (about what I can't recall) and I made it known - very nicely I might add - and she turned around and made it seem like I was the bad person because I made her feel bad and how dare I. When I always had to apologize for hurting her feelings accidentally.
Sigh. Some people.
Her problem is she thinks everything should be handed to her on a platter, that the world revolves around her and everyone should do as she asks, not as she does.
I feel for you TT, I really do.
The best thing to do is distance yourself from her because it will only get worse, believe me. I KNOW
Edited to add: Ame and Jennifer - those are brutal stories. Women are sometimes such catty drama queens.
JohnQuixote
Ideal_Rock
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Twinkle...Mara had a great idea re; your future ring.
Holy smokes, ame. Your story sounds like the opening of "28 Days" (minus the limo wreck / plus some flashing).
Jennifer, nicely played. Great poise and a decisive, classy solution. It's difficult to find a graceful way out but you sure did. Congrats and I am sure your replacement player acted much more the pro than your former maidmiser.
Jenibear - Maybe you and Twinkle should start a website called "beeeotch-scope!" and give a heads-up to other damsels who are stalked by their "best friends."
Holy smokes, ame. Your story sounds like the opening of "28 Days" (minus the limo wreck / plus some flashing).
Jennifer, nicely played. Great poise and a decisive, classy solution. It's difficult to find a graceful way out but you sure did. Congrats and I am sure your replacement player acted much more the pro than your former maidmiser.
Jenibear - Maybe you and Twinkle should start a website called "beeeotch-scope!" and give a heads-up to other damsels who are stalked by their "best friends."
quaeritur
Brilliant_Rock
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Hah! I was friends with her too!!! Thankfully no longer.
Twinkletoes... I'm so sorry. I think you're a great friend to this person, but she's not a great friend to you. There are better people out there to enrich your life, and life is too short to waste on someone like this. Fulfill your obligations for her wedding, then move on (just my opinion).
And, I agree with EVERYTHING JohnQuixote said. I was thinking it sounded like a totally predictable movie -except in the movie the psycho woman would also be in love with your man. Wait, is she? That might explain a LOT!
I truly admire your restraint and graciousness. I'm with reena and jennifer on this one, tar and feathers ready and waiting. I also think that you should stick with your ring choice. It was yours first, and yours in your heart, and she can't change that. It will always be more beautiful on your finger anyway, because it got there with purity of purpose.
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
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goldengirl
Brilliant_Rock
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Where's the "rolling on the floor laughing" smilie when you need one???
reena, YOU CRACK ME UP!!! For this thread, I'm trying to be soothing and calm and let her keep her cool... IRL, I'm not nearly so levelheaded and boy does my temper sound an awful lot like yours!!
God bless you girls, I don't know what I'd do if the world was full of spineless whimpering peabrain women like my roommate...proud to see that righteous anger flare!!
reena, YOU CRACK ME UP!!! For this thread, I'm trying to be soothing and calm and let her keep her cool... IRL, I'm not nearly so levelheaded and boy does my temper sound an awful lot like yours!!
God bless you girls, I don't know what I'd do if the world was full of spineless whimpering peabrain women like my roommate...proud to see that righteous anger flare!!
reena
Ideal_Rock
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LOL--Wait, Ame: what, how, why . . . WHO IS that human you just described? When I read about her drunk a$$ lumbering around the reshersal dinner in a bandana, spandex and hooker grommet stilettos i almost snarfed my ice coffee (and i THINK a little pee may have come out). Can I hire her for parties?
Actually, TT, since you seem to have ruled out direct confrontation as an option, i say make WAY for passive aggressive and secretly get hooker grommets an invitation to your friend's wedding. Can you imagine? She'd be swinging naked from the chandy in no time and ruin beelzebride's day faster than you can say conniving, filthy, slime-sucking, cute-top-stealing, michael b-pilfering, boyfriend-criticizing, plan-my-shower-NOW-TT!-insisting, queen of all that is dark, putrid and unholy.
Actually, TT, since you seem to have ruled out direct confrontation as an option, i say make WAY for passive aggressive and secretly get hooker grommets an invitation to your friend's wedding. Can you imagine? She'd be swinging naked from the chandy in no time and ruin beelzebride's day faster than you can say conniving, filthy, slime-sucking, cute-top-stealing, michael b-pilfering, boyfriend-criticizing, plan-my-shower-NOW-TT!-insisting, queen of all that is dark, putrid and unholy.
Daniela
Brilliant_Rock
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Jennifer5973
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You know, as I have gotten older, I have adopted the philosophy that if people don't add value to my life, I cut them loose--life is too short and time is too precious.
Give people the benefit of the doubt once, twice, maybe three times if they have been in your life a while (and family can be a whole other story) but the old cliche is true: "with friends like these, who needs enemies?"
PS Thanks all for your compliments on my handling of that mess... I guess I had to grow up pretty fast with what was happening to my family and being totally self-supporting at 20 was an eye-opener.
PPS My new MOH was wonderful...she and my mom threw me a fabulous shower and all the girls banded together to help me and make everything as special as it coud be. I was very lucky.
PPPS ame--I don't even know what to say about your story...and you still think mine is worse? lol.
Give people the benefit of the doubt once, twice, maybe three times if they have been in your life a while (and family can be a whole other story) but the old cliche is true: "with friends like these, who needs enemies?"
PS Thanks all for your compliments on my handling of that mess... I guess I had to grow up pretty fast with what was happening to my family and being totally self-supporting at 20 was an eye-opener.
PPS My new MOH was wonderful...she and my mom threw me a fabulous shower and all the girls banded together to help me and make everything as special as it coud be. I was very lucky.
PPPS ame--I don't even know what to say about your story...and you still think mine is worse? lol.
ame
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Yea, Jenn, because it was your wedding. She doesn't even know Im engaged (well probably does).
Cathy is quite an...interesting...."person". She went to High School with us and quite frankly hasn't evolved past 15. She frequently goes around telling people she's just poor white trash who never had a chance to make her life into something (she has always been able to make something of herself but chooses to be a lazy drunk b!tch who wants it all done for her). Shame is her family is really fairly well off and I remember her being really freaking smart in school and she got into and her folks paid for her to attend Washington University (very affluent and expensive) till she got dropped from her classes for not going. SHe is going to be in jail for killing someone while drunk driving. I just know it. They pay her way out of all the dumb crap she tends to get into. Except for bail anyway.
I guess trash knows no financial status.
Cathy is quite an...interesting...."person". She went to High School with us and quite frankly hasn't evolved past 15. She frequently goes around telling people she's just poor white trash who never had a chance to make her life into something (she has always been able to make something of herself but chooses to be a lazy drunk b!tch who wants it all done for her). Shame is her family is really fairly well off and I remember her being really freaking smart in school and she got into and her folks paid for her to attend Washington University (very affluent and expensive) till she got dropped from her classes for not going. SHe is going to be in jail for killing someone while drunk driving. I just know it. They pay her way out of all the dumb crap she tends to get into. Except for bail anyway.
I guess trash knows no financial status.
reena
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okay, this is the last thing i'll say on the topic and then i'm keeping my mouth shut i swear.
i might get MY bum smacked for this one but oh well, here goes:
when i first read this thread i remember being shocked at what your friend had done, TT--half because it's just a heinous thing to do, but half because i was thinking, who does that? who steals the e-ring her best friend has just showed her a week earlier and expects to get away with it, without causing huge problems/losing a friend?
now that i see you've decided not to say a word to her about it (and i DO agree with those who said that you can't go psycho on her or do something that's going to reflect poorly on you right before her wedding, but there ARE ways to make clear to someone that you're displeased without showing up the rehearsal dinner in hooker grommets and reverse-piggybacking the groom or something drastic like that), and that you instead intend to just keep quiet, smile and compliment her when she gets YOUR ring, act like nothing's happened and continue spending your time and money to help out with her wedding without making a peep . . . well, to me, that's just bizarro-world! don't hate me, but i have to say, i'm really no longer surprised she did that to you. still disgusted and appalled, because it's a horrid thing to do to someone? sure. but surprised? nope. she knew she'd get away with it. and you really shouldn't be surprised when she does it again.
i hope i don't sound too harsh--i really do feel for you TT, and i understand this is a tough situation to be in and that it's much easier for me to take this position when i'm not the person actually stuck in the middle of it. so take it only for what it is: my .02. i really do hope you're able to work through this and feel okay about it in the end.
when i first read this thread i remember being shocked at what your friend had done, TT--half because it's just a heinous thing to do, but half because i was thinking, who does that? who steals the e-ring her best friend has just showed her a week earlier and expects to get away with it, without causing huge problems/losing a friend?
now that i see you've decided not to say a word to her about it (and i DO agree with those who said that you can't go psycho on her or do something that's going to reflect poorly on you right before her wedding, but there ARE ways to make clear to someone that you're displeased without showing up the rehearsal dinner in hooker grommets and reverse-piggybacking the groom or something drastic like that), and that you instead intend to just keep quiet, smile and compliment her when she gets YOUR ring, act like nothing's happened and continue spending your time and money to help out with her wedding without making a peep . . . well, to me, that's just bizarro-world! don't hate me, but i have to say, i'm really no longer surprised she did that to you. still disgusted and appalled, because it's a horrid thing to do to someone? sure. but surprised? nope. she knew she'd get away with it. and you really shouldn't be surprised when she does it again.
i hope i don't sound too harsh--i really do feel for you TT, and i understand this is a tough situation to be in and that it's much easier for me to take this position when i'm not the person actually stuck in the middle of it. so take it only for what it is: my .02. i really do hope you're able to work through this and feel okay about it in the end.
glitterata
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Ame, your story sounds like something you'd hear in an Alcohoics Anonymous meeting, about the terrible things a person does when she's an active alcoholic. If it were me, before I completely dropped her as a friend I'd try one last time to get her to get help for her addiction. Do an "intervention"--get her friends and family together and confront her with her alcoholism. Get advice from people in recovery for their addictions about how best to approach it--maybe your local AA or Al Anon (the AA-like support group for family of alcoholics). Or at the very least, tell her that you love her but you can't be friends with her while she drinks or does drugs, if that's also part of it. Tell her when she's sober, you'll be glad to be her friend.
Your friend isn't just inconsiderate--she has a serious, life-threatening addiction. As you say, she could kill someone.
Your friend isn't just inconsiderate--she has a serious, life-threatening addiction. As you say, she could kill someone.
glitterata
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And Reena, as for your friend--
Have you ever had a conversation with her when she copied you, and told her how it makes you feel? Maybe something like, "I know that we have similar taste and I'm flattered that you like my choices, but it makes me very uncomfortable when you buy the exact same things I have. I feel like my things are no longer unique and special. I wish you would ask me first or choose something else" (or whatever you actually DO feel about it). If you HAVE said those things to her, what has been her response? If you haven't, it's probably time to start doing it. This is obviously an issue that's going to go on bothering you for as long as you're friends with this girl, if not longer.
Just reading your story, it's hard to know whether she's doing this because she wants to get closer to you or whether she's feeling competitive toward you and wants to beat you at your own game. In either case, she's not respecting your boundaries.
I tend not to want to be friends with people who are so very bad at respecting my boundaries. But over the years, I've also gotten better at saying no early on so that things like that don't happen. I wouldn't have agreed to lend my baby-name book to that baby-name stealer. I would have said "It has all our notes about our feelings about names in it, so we don't feel comfortable lending it out, but I'll be happy to give you your own copy." I wouldn't have told the ring-stealer which ring I wanted for myself.
It's hard to believe this would be necessary, because it's hard to believe that someone would actually steal a baby's name or an engagement ring design, but if you know that your friends do that kind of thing, you might consider raising your defenses against them in the first place.
Have you ever had a conversation with her when she copied you, and told her how it makes you feel? Maybe something like, "I know that we have similar taste and I'm flattered that you like my choices, but it makes me very uncomfortable when you buy the exact same things I have. I feel like my things are no longer unique and special. I wish you would ask me first or choose something else" (or whatever you actually DO feel about it). If you HAVE said those things to her, what has been her response? If you haven't, it's probably time to start doing it. This is obviously an issue that's going to go on bothering you for as long as you're friends with this girl, if not longer.
Just reading your story, it's hard to know whether she's doing this because she wants to get closer to you or whether she's feeling competitive toward you and wants to beat you at your own game. In either case, she's not respecting your boundaries.
I tend not to want to be friends with people who are so very bad at respecting my boundaries. But over the years, I've also gotten better at saying no early on so that things like that don't happen. I wouldn't have agreed to lend my baby-name book to that baby-name stealer. I would have said "It has all our notes about our feelings about names in it, so we don't feel comfortable lending it out, but I'll be happy to give you your own copy." I wouldn't have told the ring-stealer which ring I wanted for myself.
It's hard to believe this would be necessary, because it's hard to believe that someone would actually steal a baby's name or an engagement ring design, but if you know that your friends do that kind of thing, you might consider raising your defenses against them in the first place.
ame
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Actually she's been through 3 and in rehab a couple times, everytime she comes out worse. She doesn't want to get clean yet. She has to hit bottom first.
As far as liking her sober--not likely. I hung out with her breifly in HS when she was still sober. Didn't care for her much then either. I would hope she'd growup and into a likeable person but till she realizes what she's done to herself and that she needs help, she won't be one.
As far as liking her sober--not likely. I hung out with her breifly in HS when she was still sober. Didn't care for her much then either. I would hope she'd growup and into a likeable person but till she realizes what she's done to herself and that she needs help, she won't be one.
reena
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ame
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reena
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ame
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reena
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ame
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PaulaW
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You guys are killing me, this thread has turned hysterical!
Twinkle, your dilemma is not funny at ALL. Your "friend" has serious issues and I applaud you for taking the high road. With that said, could you do something for me? Do a little research and find the most heinous, tacky, downright laughable wedding dress you can and fall in
love with it - so much so that you HAVE to show this "friend" who you know will probably turn around and buy it. Let her look like a fool. Definitely not the highest road, but I think it's funny.
Twinkle, your dilemma is not funny at ALL. Your "friend" has serious issues and I applaud you for taking the high road. With that said, could you do something for me? Do a little research and find the most heinous, tacky, downright laughable wedding dress you can and fall in
love with it - so much so that you HAVE to show this "friend" who you know will probably turn around and buy it. Let her look like a fool. Definitely not the highest road, but I think it's funny.
reena
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