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Should I go through with the wedding?

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Confusedgirl

Rough_Rock
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May 13, 2009
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What would you do if you loved the person you were with but not your life with him? I post on here under a different name but wanted to stay anonymous for this post. My situation is unique so I will try to give as much detail as possible without giving away my identity (if I am too detailed and a personal friend of mine stumbled onto this sit I would be immediately recognizable so I have to be careful J ).

The ladies on this site are always so wonderful and the advice thought-provoking so I thought I would give it a try. Sorry if this turns out to be long!

I have been engaged over a year and the wedding is planned for this fall. It is going to be pretty elaborate. I basically have no budget. That said, my mother has made it clear (not knowing that I am having hesitations) that if I don’t want to go through with it, not to worry about the expense.



The man I am marrying is wonderful. He loves me very much. He is giving, kind, financially secure, and will make a wonderful father. However, in order for me to be with him I basically have to live his life. Otherwise we would never get to see each other. I don’t and, the way it works, can’t do anything for me. I know many women would love the idea of not having to work but it gets pretty boring and makes you feel worthless. While he is a “great” guy, he does have his flaws in that he doesn’t support my dreams unless they fall into his idea of “life.” He isn’t adventurous and if I want to do something I have to make it happen. We are different in many ways with how we want to live life and our beliefs, but many are compatable as well. If that makes sense....We travel a lot now for his work but once we settle he only wants to live in one place and that is where is whole family lives. I don’t want to live there at this time in my live. I know this may sound vague. Please bear with me. I know not every relationship is perfect. And that is kind of what I am getting at. I am entering my early 30s. Is it better to settle for a guy that you know you could have a good life with even though it isn’t exactly what you want? I know many girls say that they couldn’t be in a relationship where they aren’t head over heels in love but doesn’t that fade with time in most situations? Who knows if someone is out there who is a better fit? Do you chance it? And at this point (we’ve been together three years) I’ve giving up so much of my life I don’t even know where I would begin.



My feelings sometimes make me pull away from him. I have a habit of wanting what I can’t have at times. How do you know the difference of maybe taking the relationship for granted versus it not being the right relationship?



I am sorry if this post was confusing. I am just so torn right now and it isn’t something I feel I can talk to with people close to the situation. The advice on here is always so great that I thought I would give it a try. Thanks so much in advance!

 
Date: 5/13/2009 8:45:38 AM
Author:Confusedgirl


The man I am marrying is wonderful. He loves me very much. He is giving, kind, financially secure, and will make a wonderful father. However, in order for me to be with him I basically have to live his life. Otherwise we would never get to see each other. I don’t and, the way it works, can’t do anything for me. I know many women would love the idea of not having to work but it gets pretty boring and makes you feel worthless. While he is a “great” guy, he does have his flaws in that he doesn’t support my dreams unless they fall into his idea of “life.” He isn’t adventurous and if I want to do something I have to make it happen. We are different in many ways with how we want to live life and our beliefs, but many are compatable as well. If that makes sense....We travel a lot now for his work but once we settle he only wants to live in one place and that is where is whole family lives. I don’t want to live there at this time in my live. I know this may sound vague. Please bear with me. I know not every relationship is perfect. And that is kind of what I am getting at. I am entering my early 30s. Is it better to settle for a guy that you know you could have a good life with even though it isn’t exactly what you want? I know many girls say that they couldn’t be in a relationship where they aren’t head over heels in love but doesn’t that fade with time in most situations? Who knows if someone is out there who is a better fit? Do you chance it? And at this point (we’ve been together three years) I’ve giving up so much of my life I don’t even know where I would begin.



My feelings sometimes make me pull away from him. I have a habit of wanting what I can’t have at times. How do you know the difference of maybe taking the relationship for granted versus it not being the right relationship?

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Personally, I could never "settle". And the head over heels feeling hasn''t faded for us. (We have been together for 20 years, and married for 16.5 years).

It sounds like you feel like you are giving up a lot to marry this man. Does he know how you feel? It seems to me that there could be some compromise.

Every relationship is not perfect, however the good should outweigh the bad.

I am so sorry you are having these doubts. Getting married can be scary even when you are positive he is the right person. I wish you the best in finding resolution.
 
I''m really hesitant to give any kind of advice jut from this information, and not knowing your situation. I just wanted to say that I''m sorry you''re feeling this way.

Is the wedding soon? Can you postpone it to try to sort out your feelings? Have you been feeling this way for a long time?
 
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Honestly, I think you have subconsciously made the decision that this is not right for you. The reason I think that is you say things like "settle for a guy that you know you could have a good life with even though it isn’t exactly what you want" and "My feelings sometimes make me pull away from him" and to me, this is not simply cold feet. I think you feel that your feelings, lifestyle, and choices will always come second to your fiance and that is not what you want, nor should it be. Marriage is about compromise and working together to build a life - granted, it is not always that way and some people DO settle for a guy that will give them a good life, but I sincerely do not think you are that kind of person.
Do head over heels feelings fade over time? I think in the form of lust they do, and are replaced by deep love and respect for your partner. From what you have described, it sounds like you have evaluated what your life will be like and you don''t like what you see. I think now is the time to talk with your fiance and have a heart to heart to determine whether there is room for compromise and if not, maybe part ways.
I think your feelings of having what you don''t want are pretty common... it''s the grass is always greener feeling but I don''t think this is the case. I think you feel you are making all of the sacrifices and not seeing any return. Life often doesn''t work out the way we envision it, but you shouldn''t feel that you have given up everything and your dreams are not supported.
I sincerely wish you the best and hope you find peace and clarity in whatever decision you go with. I really think you should have a heart-to-heart with your fiance and express all of your feelings. He may not realize that you feel this way and how one sided this seems. Good luck and best wishes to you.
 
Honestly I wouldn''t settle either. I think that while the passionate, rip each others clothes off lust might disappear, it''s replaced with a deep love and that''s what keeps you together. I second some of the other girls in that I would try to talk to him about it and see can any compromise be made. Don''t go through it though if you don''t want to.
 
To *me* you have already made your decision and from the sound of your post it seems like your FI does not respect your dreams and wants-only his. That is a dealbreaker for me personally.
 
I can see the flipside in this one. I''ve been w/ my fiance for 12 years, he just proposed last year. Granted I''m only in my late twenties and we''ve been together since I was 16, but I given a lot for this man.
I went to a school that wasn''t the best for my major to be close to him during our college years, I''ve given up a lot and supported a lot through his quest for Med school. But that is what love and life is. He has given much more, in my opinion, back to me - because he loves me and he knows what I have given him.
I think you may be in the state in between where it is your turn to give, and him giving may come later. Now that may not happen, relationships obviously can be one sided. But you''ve only been with him 3 years.... that isn''t a very long amount of time to see in my opinion.
I think you need to talk to him. Talk to him about what you''d like in your life and see, if anyway, your dreams and him can mesh together. There will be compromise, you wont get exactly what you want every time, but then neither should he.

Just my two cents.
 
My sister''s EX-husband had to propose twice because she said No the first time. She moved all over the country, from Texas, to New Jersey, to California... watching him thrive in business and watching her wants fall to the wayside. When they got to Cali, she got an amazing job and he began to resent her. She was making almost as much as him and he hated it. They got divorced after 6 years of marriage.

When you know, you know. She is remarried and so happy, but she always wonders why she stopped listening to her heart after that first time.

I''m very sorry you are having to deal with this. Just listen to what your body is telling you. There is a reason.
 
You sound really unhappy. As though you''ve been committed to this relationship, and this way of life, for so long you aren''t sure what you''d do without him but are curious to find out what your life would be like if it weren''t shared with him. Relationships are compromise, but it sounds like you''re doing most, if not all, of the bending and that is no way to live. I would make a list of the things you want out of life and have him do the same (perhaps a top 10 things you can''t live without) and compare your lists, see how compatable they are and work from there. The only way you''re going to resolve this is to talk to him and work on this with him or leave. Neither option is wrong, it just depends on whether you''re done with the relationship or want to see it improve.
 
I have no good advice, but I am sorry you are in this situation and just wanted to offer some support.

Some women are content to give up their lives and live the life their husband wants if it means security (financial and otherwise). Other women feel that the sacrifice is too great. I am head over heels for my husband and have been for a decade--security has never been an issue, I can provide that for myself. Ultimately, though, you probably know in your gut which side of the fence you fall on.

I wish you luck with your decision--I''m sorry you have to make it in the midst of planning a huge wedding, that cannot be easy.
 
Date: 5/13/2009 9:59:55 AM
Author: neatfreak
To *me* you have already made your decision and from the sound of your post it seems like your FI does not respect your dreams and wants-only his. That is a dealbreaker for me personally.
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Ditto. I think you know that you want out, and I think that''s perfectly reasonable based on what you''ve written. Following someone else around while they make their own dreams come true doesn''t sound like much of a life to me.
 
Hi Confusedgirl-- I''m so sorry you''re going through this and having doubts about the wedding and your relationship. It''s not easy to put the brakes on a wedding when families get involved in the planning and so many people are expecting it to happen. You''re very brave for even considering it because it''s not a "private" breakup at all.

I really can''t give advice on whether you should postpone or cancel the wedding without knowing more about you two, but two things from your post stuck me:

First, do you voice your opinions on where you want the two of you to live (and other things)? Does he really know how you feel? I mean does he really know? I''ve seen a lot of women just kind of go along with things and then be really resentful and bitter, but they never truly said, "I just don''t want to do this!"

Second, you say that you have a habit of wanting what you can''t have....do you think that is stopping you from enjoying your relationship the way it is right now? Do you mean you have a habit of sabotaging relationships? Sorry to pry, just trying to see if it''s something that''s happened before.

Overall, I think you should really have a heart-to-heart with the FI and tell him exactly what you''re thinking. Use words like "I feel,""I want," "I need," and be calm but very definitive....tell him this is serious and see how he reacts. Good luck
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A few years ago, I was in a short and turbulent 6month long distant relationship with a guy I thought I was going to marry from the 3rd date. We introduced our parents, tried to work out a job situation together post college etc...He was/is a great guy. Romantic, sweet, generous...However, the longer I lived in "his world" the more I saw my entire life flashing before my eyes as someone I didn''t know. It was a hard choice, but after a teary night, I left. I faltered for a few months as to if I was giving up my chance at happiness, and now almost 6 years later, he is married, with kids and clearly living the life that he had always wanted to...and it couldn''t be clearer that to me that while parts of it are appealing, huge chunks just aren''t my style.

It turns out he wasn''t the one for me. and NOW DF and I couldn''t be more suited to one another in terms of our "life style". Sure we are still different people, but the whole way in which we function as a couple is a blend of both our dreams. Not me, in someone else''s world.
 
Date: 5/13/2009 9:59:55 AM
Author: neatfreak
To *me* you have already made your decision and from the sound of your post it seems like your FI does not respect your dreams and wants-only his. That is a dealbreaker for me personally.
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100% agree with NeatFreak


From what you write, it just looks like the whole marriage will be a sham to prop up his lifestyle/ego. He wants it all (his career, his lifestyle, PLUS a wife, home and family) but he doesn''t really want to have to work for the marriage/home/family part, so he dumps it all in your lap, back-burners you and your desires and your hopes for the future and tells you (basically) "take it or leave it."

I''ll also add this: I am in your age group. I''m older, in fact (35 years old), and one of my biggest pet peeves is when women in this age range say things like "I''m thirtywhatever years old. I have to take what I can get."

This isn''t the only man who will ever propose to you! Oh, my GOD! If I had married the first boyfriend (or the 2nd or the 3rd) who proposed to me, I would have been divorced a long time ago!

I also understand your situation--about being with a guy who has a disruptive lifestyle. My own fiance has a job that is pretty much 100% travel. He''s gone sometimes for weeks at a time, sometimes for months at a time, there is no set schedule for this -- a production co. can suddenly call him and tell him that if he wants the job, to be on set in 24 hours, print the e-ticket in your e-mail inbox, pack a bag and hit the road.


The big thing for me is, being with my fiance resonates with me. There is no one else for me in the whole world, and I live to be his wife, his partner in life and his future.

Why I feel this way: FI goes to the ends of the earth to make me feel like I''m the ONLY thing in his life that really matters. Every action of his proves this, everything he does is done with me in mind, and he bends over backwards to make sure the things he does/jobs he takes/time away are OK with the BOTH of us before he does them. He respects my boundaries and my wishes, he listens to me when I say something, and he understands the nature of compromise within a marriage. Without that, I''d be nothing more than the "girlfriend of the camera guy" you know what I mean? It would be HIS world, and I''d just live in it....but because he is the man he is, I am confident that marriage is the right step forward, despite the unorthodox (sometimes conflicting) career/schedule/lifestyle.

It doesn''t sound like your FI has a basic understanding of compromise within a marriage. There is no compromise here, only sacrifice on your part. A lifetime of constant sacrifice will lead to your eventual bitterness and regret.

If it were me? I''d call it of and not look back. There''s always another guy. There are TONS of men all over the place, trying to pump your gas, buy you drinks, take you to dinner. They''re everywhere. You''ll meet someone better suited, that''s obvious...I mean, there are what? 4 billion guys in the world? Not a problem. But there is only one YOU and you only have ONE future. I can only tell you what I would do, but please project yourself ten years into the future. Try and imagine what life will feel like after 10--15 years of this grating on your sanity.....
 
I''m so sorry you''re going through this.

I think if you were head over heels in love with him, and if he were head over heels in love with you, you would both be working towards a compromise so you could both fulfill some of your dreams. While I''m not saying love is sacrificing your dreams for someone else''s, it does involve some sacrifice and compromise and when you''re totally and completely in love with someone it is easier to make those compromises and sacrifices.

From your post, it sounds like you are having some serious doubts. I think you should listen to your heart. Sit down and really think hard about whether or not you love him enough to make all the sacrifices you talked about in your post. You said "I know many girls say that they couldn’t be in a relationship where they aren’t head over heels in love but doesn’t that fade with time in most situations?" - to me, this shows a lot. You seem to KNOW you''re not totally and completely in love with him. And you talked about "settling" for this guy.

I wouldn''t settle. Yeah, there are some people who never find that one person they fall totally and completely head over heels in love with, but I just don''t think I could live with myself if I settled and gave up my dreams for someone I didn''t love with all my heart.

Again, I''m so sorry you''re dealing with this.
 
HI:

I''ll echo Kim and state from what you''ve written, you sound really unhappy. Clearly you recognize that a relationship is not about one person, and no amount of comfort and sacrifice is going to change your persepctive, since you are living the experience. Moreover, it is doubtful you will feel "settled" once you are married, in fact the resignation to the same may intensify your present emptiness.

Is it really not possible for you to work or do something satisfying while you are engaged/married? Does it have to be so black & white--what options have you investigated? Many folks starting out work FT in order to build their lives together...and they make it work b/c it is "important" for each other ....

cheers--Sharon
 
So sorry to hear you''re in this dreadful situation. In your post, I feel your gut is telling you this is not the right guy. It sounds like he is living his life and is taking you for a ride with him. Of course, he thinks that this is what any woman would want and there should be no reason for you to be unhappy.

Your situation reminds me of my parents. My dad is a very successful businessman living his life, doing whatever he wants. Mum, after finishing her PhD, had 4 kids (over 15 years) and never went/was able to go back to work, providing a nice cosy home for everyone, living for us - her kids, but never being able to follow any of her dreams. While she is not exactly happy, she has accepted the situation and kept status quo ''for the kids''. The worst thing is though that dad feels like mum should be so grateful that he`s such an amazing provider but anytime she wants to do something that he doesn''t agree with, he just shuts it down. Only recently, after 30 years, she has had an "epiphany", when she realised she had been living my father''s life and taking his shutdowns. She has since learnt how to stand up for herself and be a stronger woman.
 
Date: 5/13/2009 10:15:59 AM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 5/13/2009 9:59:55 AM
Author: neatfreak
To *me* you have already made your decision and from the sound of your post it seems like your FI does not respect your dreams and wants-only his. That is a dealbreaker for me personally.
Click to expand...

Ditto. I think you know that you want out, and I think that''s perfectly reasonable based on what you''ve written. Following someone else around while they make their own dreams come true doesn''t sound like much of a life to me.
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You''ve already been given some great advice, so I don''t have anything more to add. But I totally agree with the above. You need to do what is right for you. It doesn''t have to be a huge, ugly thing. Following their own dreams is something everyone should be entitled to.
 
Were you ever ''in love'' with him? Those feelings wax and wane over time, but I can''t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who I never had those feelings for. I had an ex who was wonderful "on paper". Had I stayed with him, I could be married & have kids right now-- something I really would like to have at this point. But I knew in my heart that something was missing between us. He was a great guy, but not the one for me.

Now, I also gave up a lot to be with my SO (moved to somewhere I don''t love, left behind a job I liked in the process). It''s not always easy. But it''s worth it because I''m madly in love with him. I really cannot imagine my life without him. If I didn''t feel that way, giving up so much would not be worth it to me.

Have you expressed your concerns about where you two will be living? A relationship is a two-way street - a democracy, not a dictatorship. Although compromise is necessary, one person shouldn''t be pulling rank and making such big decisions unilaterally.

Ultimately, though, only you can decide what''s best for you. I hope you manage to figure things out. You''re in a pretty tough position and understandably, you sound pretty confused.
 
I''m so sorry you''re going through this. Hugs.

I agree with the above posters -- it sounds like you know that you don''t want to go through with the wedding, at least not at this time. Postpone it. It''s going to be okay.

As for your relationship -- I am not going to vilify your FI. Does he know this is how you feel? Have you tried to talk it through and find a compromise? There has got to be a way to compromise.

Again, I''m so sorry, you''re dealing with tough issues.
 
I can feel your despair coming through your post, but I really don''t fell like I''m in a position to give advice. I hope you''ll find someone to talk with. A real two-way conversation might help give you reach some clarity.

From what you''ve written, right now you feel like you will be giving up yourself, giving up your life, to marry your fiance. That''s very different from giving of yourself. So.. wild speculation here... if you give up yourself you will likely be unhappy (and probably resentful) and you won''t have a lot of energy to give back to the marriage. Your fiance should know this -- at least, he should know you well enough to realize that the life he''s asking you to lead will be a huge sacrifice on your part. So.. do you think it concerns him that you might be unhappy in your new life, or does he figure that his job and family will be enough for him and therefore for his family? How do you think he would react if, five years from now, it turns out that you have not been able to adapt to your new life? Do you think he would be willing to work with you to find a solution? Would he consider your needs as being as important as his? Do you think you will feel lonely in this marriage? (To me, being lonely within a relationship is thousands of times more painful than just being lonely).

I really hope you''ll find someone to talk to.
 
I really want to thank all of you for your advice. I know you cannot make the decision for me but you have definitely give me lots to think about. To answer some of your questions:

1. He does know how I feel about the living situation. However, I think he feels I will give in in time. As for feeling worthless, he always tells me to do something but he doesn''t understand that when you are in a different city every few days there isn''t much you can do to build a life, unless you count going to the mall as "doing something".

2. Second, you say that you have a habit of wanting what you can''t have....do you think that is stopping you from enjoying your relationship the way it is right now? Do you mean you have a habit of sabotaging relationships? My habit was to stay away fro relationships. I would always end them when they wouldget to close. This one was different. I knew I would marry him right away (so, yes, to the question of "was I ever madly, deeply in love :-)). But I don''t know. Maybe I am sabatoging it. The whole grass is always greener... I just know I don''t feel complete. Maybe I am doing something wrong?

3. Kimberly, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said: As though you''ve been committed to this relationship, and this way of life, for so long you aren''t sure what you''d do without him but are curious to find out what your life would be like if it weren''t shared with him. But what if I am wrong? I was so sure when he proposed. I never thought this would be so hard...

He''s here. I will write more later. I just want to say how much I appreciate everything you all have said so far.
 
I haven't read everyone's responses but I just wanted to quickly say that not only do you sound confused, you sound like someone who is DEEPLY hurting inside. I urge you to talk to your FI about your fears. In fact, talk to him about ALL your feelings. You deserve the life you want, and he deserves to know that you're having doubts. If after all that, he isn't open enough to try and find away to change the things that are bothering, you need to put the wedding off and put a hold on everything else until you figure this out. DO NOT let pressure stemmed from a wedding that is already planned force you into a marrying someone you may not be happy with. When you enter a marriage, it should be done on the premise of "forever," not on "there's always divorce." Think of how sad you'll be once you're legally bound to a man you don't want to be with.

My best advice is to just stop. Stop planning, stop making false promises. Talk to him and figure this out together. And if doesn't love you enough to help you through this, then you will know it is better to walk away.

Best of luck to you, and big ((hugs))
 
I don''t know if I am qualified to give excellent advice, and everyone here has said some very intelligent and insightful things already so I won''t repeat them all.
I just wanted to add one thing. This is just my opinion but, for me, marriage is about creating a life that you both love-TOGETHER. I think the idea of spending your life''s journey with someone should be exciting and joyful, not resigned and resentful.

I''m sorry that you are hurting. This is a tough situation, but your posting your concerns honestly and openly demonstrates that you are strong and courageous, so I believe you will do what is right for you and your life, whatever that may be.
 
Another poster said on this thread that some women willingly choose to live their husband's lives. However it doesn't sound, from what you have written that you are one of these women. If you are having doubts now, about how you are going to deal with living his life long-term, then it seems to me that these doubts will only continue once you marry. The doubts might even become more pronounced after marriage because you may start feeling "trapped." Ask your self this: what advice would you give a best friend in this kind of situation?

The fact that your FI is not supportive of your dreams, and feels that you will "give in" is kind of troubling for me. For me, that would be a dealbreaker in a relationship. I realize that people are flawed, but how can a relationship thrive if one person is not supportive of the other??? In my case, DH and I have had to make major, major compromises in order to be together. But the key is that we are both making compromises. I can't imagine stopping my life to live his life, while still remaining true to myself.

All that said, no one can tell you whether or not to call off the marriage, but if I were in your shoes I would seriously consider postponing the wedding until this situation gets resolved.
 
ConfusedGirl, if I could take you under my wing and let you talk it out, I really would. It''s a tough situation and you''re going to have a lot of work to do and it''s not going to be easy, no matter what.

I''ve been in a very similar situation. My boyfriend of six years started a business while we were together. For two years, he worked a full-time job and worked another 10 hours at home 7 days a week. We had no life together because of the time constraints, but I was supportive. I helped out where I could, made sure we talked for half an hour every day, and did sweet little things for him like make him coffee or give him back rubs. I was working and travelling a lot for work, so it didn''t seem too bad. I wanted him to realize this dream of his. I was willing to put some (a lot) of my needs on the backburner to make it happen.

By slow degrees our love died. We didn''t eat meals together, have the same bedtime or wakeup call, we spent minimal free time together, and we eventually ended up taking separate vacations. I had always thought to myself, "this is temporary" until one day I realized that temporary had turned into two years. I looked back and realized that our first 2 years together were great, the second 2 were ok, and the last 2 were all the more miserable.

That''s when I woke up and started telling him how I felt. I told him I wasn''t happy. I told him I wanted us to transition to something more normal. I painted my picture of what I wanted and asked him to change things to make our lives look more like that picture. That''s when I really noticed the extent to which he was placating me. Things got better to a small degree, but only enough to dull my arguments. He wasn''t moving, he was bending, if you get what I mean.

I did a lot of soul-searching about us. We went to several weddings that summer, and wouldn''t you know, they brought up a lot of thoughts and issues that had been brewing beneath the surface. I broke down at one of the weddings and had to leave early (great guest, I know!) and gave him an ultimatum. Things have to change or we are over.

I never planned on the ultimatum--it just happened. This is my opinion and it seems to hold true: If you are giving ultimatums, you have to be prepared to follow up on your threats. And if you ever are in a realtionship and start to concretely imagine what it would be like to leave, I think there is a very good chance that the relationship is over.

A few months later we broke up for good. It sucked and I don''t wish it on anyone. But it was for the best. We really had different philosophies on life. Two great people don''t always belong together and I needed someone to love me for who I was and build a joint life together.

Three years later, I''ve found that guy. We both love to travel, we work to live and enjoy life, we love being social and having friends around, we want a family together, he supports me in my grad degree and I support him in changing career tracks. And we dance in the kitchen :-) There''s a spark, a tenderness, a meeting of the minds, a common path and a lot of fun.

If I had listened to that voice back then saying I should settle, I would never have had this. There are a lot of things in life we don''t get what we want out of, but our relationships shouldn''t be it.

I''m not saying you need to break up with him. I am saying that you need to change this relationship and stop sucking it up and ignoring your needs. It sounds like you have just realized that this situation isn''t going to work for you for much longer and you''re scared. I don''t know what you are going to need to do to change the situation, but you can''t settle for the status quo. Maybe he''s going to have to change his travel schedule, or you''ll only spend weekends together, or you''ll start working as a freelance consultant or writer so that you have your own professional goals. Throw all past decisions and reasons why they were made out the window and start pushing back at his employer/career, at other people''s expectations, at the power balance between you. Make him listen, and if he doesn''t, take a two day break somewhere else and try again.

ConfusedGirl, I wish you all the best of luck and strength in this. You''re strong underneath and you will find yourself and figure out the answer. Keep pushing, knowing that you will have a moment of truth when everything will become clear to you.
 
You''ve been given excellent advice thus far.

I''m only going to offer my answer to your question: What would you do if you loved the person you were with but not your life with him?
I would not marry this person. There are only a few things that make me tick: good books, dogs and cats, and the pursuit of my varied and oft-changing dreams. If being with the man I loved meant giving up any of these things, it just wouldn''t work.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.
 
You already know the answer deep in your heart or you wouldn''t be asking the question. Don''t do it! Don''t settle! You are worthy of happiness. Good luck!
 
Hugs to you!

I hope this helps clarify your doubt so that you can make the best decision for you.


A good relationship will make your world BIGGER. You'll feel stronger and more secure, you'll be supported in your interests and have a cheerleader for your dreams and you will be richer in life because of your combined interests, friends and talents. A good relationship makes your world and life BIGGER and RICHER.

Conversely, a bad relationship will make your world SMALLER. You will lose sleep, you'll have anxiety, your wings will be clipped, you won't enjoy the things you do as much or be as good at them as you were and you will feel like you are losing yourself and the things and people you love. That nagging voice of doubt? It never ever goes away. Once you hear the knock on your door, it only gets louder and louder. Don't waste precious time, my friend!

It also depends. You say your boyfriend is a good man. So, for this to work - you're going to have to naturally be the strong go-getter and appreciate him for who he is but not expect much. You will have to have a very strong support system to get your needs met elsewhere: church, friends, family or self.

If you're sensitive by nature, it won't work. You could end up resenting him for never taking interest in your life and interests. It will suck the joy out of it for you. I know I'm sensitive and I could never be with someone I don't LIKE as a person and who isn't curious and interested in me. I love that DH finds me fascinating and I find him fascinating. I am surprised and delighted to learn new things about him every day. It would be very very sad to be in a marriage where you are not the lifelong journey of discovery for each other. I know someone in such a relationship and she is one of the saddest, loneliest people on earth. Marry your soulmate. Be his. Or be alone! Being alone rocks! Being in a relationship that doesn't bring you joy is soul crushing!

ETA: Just re-read your post. I'm torn! Part of me wants to advise you to leave and not settle. But I keep detecting some deep pain from your post. Do you think that he brings out some very deep wounds from your past? Sometimes when real (and I mean REAL INTIMACY AND LOVE) happen, it can scare people and make them start to second guess whether the person is right.

It can cause people to convince themselves that their partner is the wrong person entirely! Maybe your parents gave you a really scary image of marriage. Am I reaching too far? No offense, but it just sounds like maaaaaybe what hurts you is that you have not found YOURSELF either.

And therefore living "his" life suffocates you, makes you rage to be an independent individual and scares you to death? You have to be ROOTED in yourself and at peace with who you are to commit to someone fully in a healthy way. It sounds like you perhaps are still in a self-development stage and are looking for something within.

That doesn't mean you have to do it in a cave by yourself. Often relationships and partners can help us and push us to learn more about ourselves. Maybe you give give give and now it's time to give to yourself - giving your life up for this man maybe causes something inside you to scream, "WHAT ABOUT ME?" Do you think it's part of an identity crisis? Just friendly (yet probing) questions that I hope either help you to find some answers or make you laugh at a crazy old lady's ramblings!
 
Are you planning on children? Would the children also have to live his life? What about the dreams of "the family", of which he would only be a part of? Do you ever see him as being part of a larger entity or will everyone need to fit into his life forever. In other words, is it a career that he is chasing that will eventually end? Or is it his personality to lead?

Just some things to think about.
 
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