should parents help their kids with d/p on a house?

[CUSO]

CUSO: You have a right to your opinion and the right to express it. But I respectfully disagree with you making the blanket statement that a person is selfish for not accepting a down payment on a home from a parent. I also think it's very rude of you to dismiss autumnnovember or any other person by declaring them backward because they don't agree with your statements. You seem to be displaying some selfishness yourself by acting as if your opinion is the only one that counts.[/quote]

Yeah, it's ridiculous to say a person is selfish. You have no idea what kind of BS some of us would have to put up with if we did accept a down payment. We've been offered a $500K house... just take over the payments and put up with monthly doses of judgement and HELL![/quote]


Rather than pick individual words or phrases to make very dramatic comments off of. Please comment on where I am wrong on this entire point. I hope I get a response from other than extreme lefties.

If you gladly take an inheritance when the folks are dead, when they cannot see how their $ may have helped you have a more enjoyable life, but refuse them the happiness to witness you enjoy the $ before they die, it is selfish.
You are thinking about yourself, in your mind you think it is so much more important to be percieved as being on your own 2 feet and super independant (while completely false as we all depend on one another) rather than give them extreme pleasure with their money while they can see it. That is the definition of SELFISH. Thinking of oneself first + denying your parents the joy of giving you $ = SELFISH. putting your parents 1st + Accepting $ and allowing folks to witness their hard earned money go to something they love = SELFLESS

I am not trying to stir things up. Just like we can all not fathom that the Earth will explode tomorrow (it wont), my brain will not fathom that people would deny their parents this type of Joy.

 

[D&T]

[/quote]
no,not these days...ever since she got a full time job she been saving her money.she haven't spent any of my money in the past 18 months.[/quote]

That's great to hear! I hope she keeps it up.

 

[onedrop]

CUSO: You have a right to your opinion and the right to express it. But I respectfully disagree with you making the blanket statement that a person is selfish for not accepting a down payment on a home from a parent. I also think it's very rude of you to dismiss autumnnovember or any other person by declaring them backward because they don't agree with your statements. You seem to be displaying some selfishness yourself by acting as if your opinion is the only one that counts.

Rather than pick individual words or phrases to make very dramatic comments off of. Please comment on where I am wrong on this entire point. I hope I get a response from other than extreme lefties.

If you gladly take an inheritance when the folks are dead, when they cannot see how their $ may have helped you have a more enjoyable life, but refuse them the happiness to witness you enjoy the $ before they die, it is selfish.
You are thinking about yourself, in your mind you think it is so much more important to be percieved as being on your own 2 feet and super independant (while completely false as we all depend on one another) rather than give them extreme pleasure with their money while they can see it. That is the definition of SELFISH. Thinking of oneself first + denying your parents the joy of giving you $ = SELFISH. putting your parents 1st + Accepting $ and allowing folks to witness their hard earned money go to something they love = SELFLESS[/quote]

Cuso: Since you quoted me I will respond to your most recent post, although I think I made it pretty clear in my last post which of your statements that I disagree with. To re-iterate, I do not agree with your comments stating that NOT taking money from parents for a DP is selfish. I have read your explanations more than once, but I am just not persuaded that YOUR opinion is the *right* one. To me, there is no right or wrong on this issue. Your opinion is what it is, as is mine.

Further, I take issue with your characterization of those of us who would not take the DP as backward. I can understand you saying that you don't understand a person's way of thinking, because as of a kumbaya-type of person that I can be, I do understand that none of us will think the same on any one issue. And I don't think we HAVE to think the same about issues. But to call those that disagree with you "backward" for not sharing the same views that you do is overreaching and dismissive IMHO.

I respect your opinion on this issue though I disagree with it. However I won't resort to calling you backward because you hold an opposite view.

Edited to add CUSO's wording in bold for clarification.

 

[partgypsy]

Hmm. I wouldn't have imagined this to be a controversial topic, but at 4 pages maybe it is?
It is a very nice luxury for a parent to help with buying a house, but I don't feel most parents are in the position to help in that way nor is it considered a traditional obligation.

It just so happened that both my parents and my husband's parents were helped out by their respective parents as young married couples, either with cash or not insignificant downpayments of first home. Also my mother and my two parents in law got sizeable inheritances from their parents. I have a pretty good feeling they intend to spend that money in their lifetime (actually my mother has already started asking me for monetary assistance) so suffice to say I don't have any expectations in that regard.

Personally I'm just trying to wrap my head around paying for college (or some portion) for my two kids. It will be difficult to do that, let alone weddings, cars and house downpayments.

 

[partgypsy]

Oh and when my now husband and I were in our 20's and just starting out, it was very important for us to feel that we were self-sufficient and would have turned down money my parents offered just on principal or with the fear that strings would come attached. Now that I'm older, maybe more mature I'm comfortable with it and if my parents or parents in law want to give us money, I would accept it graciously and move on.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I've been skimming through the posts and have to say the one response that's stood out is where FK said that by having parents pay a large amount down on the child's house, it helps the family as a whole and means that more $ will be back in the communal family nest egg. I REALLY like that idea. Talk about smart.

 

[Bliss]

If they can afford to, I don't see why not. We would like to do the same for our children. But I would wrestle with the dilemma if a parent who wants to contribute did not have money to burn. Both of our moms gave us $2k each for the birth of our first child - we accepted from my side but never cashed the check from DH's side because we felt they should save their money. Did his mom protest? Sure, you bet!

But it didn't feel right to accept it when she's on a fixed income, even though she lives comfortably. My mom, on the other hand, is very very wealthy so $2k to her was like buying a nice baby gift for us. Was it selfish of us not to take the money from DH's mom? Maybe on some abstract level it was, but I think both of us understood that each of our intentions came out of loving kindness. I have to say I still feel a pang when I think about it only because she did seem a little hurt. So I see both sides.

 

[swimmer]

So, there are theoretical parents and children and then there is reality.

We were offered a large sum by my in-laws for a dp and declined. Some will think this act was selfish, but it wasn't joy that they were seeking in offering it, but control. CUSO, it is awesome that you have such a fantastic relationship with your ILs, but they seem like wonderful people. Those of us dealing with passive aggressive individuals have a very different row to hoe if you will. I did not want them to be able to dictate who lives in our house, what we do in it, how many children we have, etc. So we said no. They instead put aside the money for our baby's future college tuition, oh and they made it clear that they are retaining control of that money and that he needs to get into a good school, oh he won't get the money if he doesn't go to college.

My own parents have no money to offer, but they regularly drive across the country to help us and spend all their vacation time with us. They have been teaching us how to build/repair/care for our new house, are a model for marital happiness, and bring us joy constantly despite their very limited means.

 

[Imdanny]

Hmm. I wouldn't have imagined this to be a controversial topic, but at 4 pages maybe it is?

Oh, I called it early on the first page. Why do you think it was started? (all respect- DF!)

 

[CUSO]

So, there are theoretical parents and children and then there is reality.

We were offered a large sum by my in-laws for a dp and declined. Some will think this act was selfish, but it wasn't joy that they were seeking in offering it, but control. CUSO, it is awesome that you have such a fantastic relationship with your ILs, but they seem like wonderful people. Those of us dealing with passive aggressive individuals have a very different row to hoe if you will. I did not want them to be able to dictate who lives in our house, what we do in it, how many children we have, etc. So we said no. They instead put aside the money for our baby's future college tuition, oh and they made it clear that they are retaining control of that money and that he needs to get into a good school, oh he won't get the money if he doesn't go to college.

My own parents have no money to offer, but they regularly drive across the country to help us and spend all their vacation time with us. They have been teaching us how to build/repair/care for our new house, are a model for marital happiness, and bring us joy constantly despite their very limited means.

You are so right. If it gives parents joy to give there kids money just for joy alone, alway accept. If there are altering motives than you must do what your heart tells you to do. I know how these motives work, believe me. But the question was not about altering motives, the OP is just a great dad wondering about a D/P for his daughter, of which I suspect he will gladly do.

 

[iLander]

So, there are theoretical parents and children and then there is reality.

We were offered a large sum by my in-laws for a dp and declined. Some will think this act was selfish, but it wasn't joy that they were seeking in offering it, but control. CUSO, it is awesome that you have such a fantastic relationship with your ILs, but they seem like wonderful people. Those of us dealing with passive aggressive individuals have a very different row to hoe if you will. I did not want them to be able to dictate who lives in our house, what we do in it, how many children we have, etc. So we said no. They instead put aside the money for our baby's future college tuition, oh and they made it clear that they are retaining control of that money and that he needs to get into a good school, oh he won't get the money if he doesn't go to college.

My own parents have no money to offer, but they regularly drive across the country to help us and spend all their vacation time with us. They have been teaching us how to build/repair/care for our new house, are a model for marital happiness, and bring us joy constantly despite their very limited means.

You are so right. If it gives parents joy to give there kids money just for joy alone, alway accept. If there are altering motives than you must do what your heart tells you to do. I know how these motives work, believe me. But the question was not about altering motives, the OP is just a great dad wondering about a D/P for his daughter, of which I suspect he will gladly do.

The word you are groping for is "ulterior".

 

[Imdanny]

iLander, hi! Just a thought, I noticed you are not liking his posts. Someone made a rude, aggressive post directed at me today and (until this minute, and when I'm done writing this I'll start again) I ignored it. I mean why would someone be rude and aggressive and stir up trouble and try to stir up others' emotions? Right? A lot of people do that so maybe it's best to ignore them. You mentioned you might get another warning. Nobody is worth that.

 

[Haven]

The course this discussion has taken raises the question: Should parents bequeath their estate to their children?
And, as I am an intolerable pest, I'll add: Will *you* bequeath your estate to your children?

 

[CUSO]

So, there are theoretical parents and children and then there is reality.

We were offered a large sum by my in-laws for a dp and declined. Some will think this act was selfish, but it wasn't joy that they were seeking in offering it, but control. CUSO, it is awesome that you have such a fantastic relationship with your ILs, but they seem like wonderful people. Those of us dealing with passive aggressive individuals have a very different row to hoe if you will. I did not want them to be able to dictate who lives in our house, what we do in it, how many children we have, etc. So we said no. They instead put aside the money for our baby's future college tuition, oh and they made it clear that they are retaining control of that money and that he needs to get into a good school, oh he won't get the money if he doesn't go to college.

My own parents have no money to offer, but they regularly drive across the country to help us and spend all their vacation time with us. They have been teaching us how to build/repair/care for our new house, are a model for marital happiness, and bring us joy constantly despite their very limited means.

You are so right. If it gives parents joy to give there kids money just for joy alone, alway accept. If there are altering motives than you must do what your heart tells you to do. I know how these motives work, believe me. But the question was not about altering motives, the OP is just a great dad wondering about a D/P for his daughter, of which I suspect he will gladly do.

The word you are groping for is "ulterior".

Darn I-phone. But I do notice when people run out of steam for their arguments, grammar and spelling is what they tend to pursue.

 

[Imdanny]

The course this discussion has taken raises the question: Should parents bequeath their estate to their children?
And, as I am an intolerable pest, I'll add: Will *you* bequeath your estate to your children?

I think it raises the question should we moralize by telling other people what to do with their money. But that's just me.

 

[iLander]

iLander, hi! Just a thought, I noticed you are not liking his posts. Someone made a rude, aggressive post directed at me today and (until this minute, and when I'm done writing this I'll start again) I ignored it. I mean why would someone be rude and aggressive and stir up trouble and try to stir up others' emotions? Right? A lot of people do that so maybe it's best to ignore them. You mentioned you might get another warning. Nobody is worth that.

Oh, but, Danny, please, is would be soooooo easy. I could slice him and dice and him and it's taking all of my willpower. . .

But you're right. I'll go play with my pearls. . .

 

[Haven]

The course this discussion has taken raises the question: Should parents bequeath their estate to their children?
And, as I am an intolerable pest, I'll add: Will *you* bequeath your estate to your children?

I think it raises the question should we moralize by telling other people what to do with their money. But that's just me.

Haha, yes--it is interesting the way some take such questions as an opportunity to jump up on soapboxes and sound off. Just as well, I say.

Truthfully, I would never talk about money in this way with anyone in real life (gasp!), so I really do value reading others' takes on such matters.

 

[iLander]

So, there are theoretical parents and children and then there is reality.

We were offered a large sum by my in-laws for a dp and declined. Some will think this act was selfish, but it wasn't joy that they were seeking in offering it, but control. CUSO, it is awesome that you have such a fantastic relationship with your ILs, but they seem like wonderful people. Those of us dealing with passive aggressive individuals have a very different row to hoe if you will. I did not want them to be able to dictate who lives in our house, what we do in it, how many children we have, etc. So we said no. They instead put aside the money for our baby's future college tuition, oh and they made it clear that they are retaining control of that money and that he needs to get into a good school, oh he won't get the money if he doesn't go to college.

My own parents have no money to offer, but they regularly drive across the country to help us and spend all their vacation time with us. They have been teaching us how to build/repair/care for our new house, are a model for marital happiness, and bring us joy constantly despite their very limited means.

You are so right. If it gives parents joy to give there kids money just for joy alone, alway accept. If there are altering motives than you must do what your heart tells you to do. I know how these motives work, believe me. But the question was not about altering motives, the OP is just a great dad wondering about a D/P for his daughter, of which I suspect he will gladly do.

The word you are groping for is "ulterior".

Darn I-phone. But I do notice when people run out of steam for their arguments, grammar and spelling is what they tend to pursue.

Cuso, when you first started posting here, you remarked on how supportive and nice everyone was on this forum. You mentioned that on the watch forums that everyone treated you badly and was disrespectful of your views.

I think your tone, in the vast majority of your posts, has not matched the tone of respect and support that you, at first, found so pleasant here on PS. Please don't bring the watch forum here with you.

 

[Imdanny]

The course this discussion has taken raises the question: Should parents bequeath their estate to their children?
And, as I am an intolerable pest, I'll add: Will *you* bequeath your estate to your children?

I think it raises the question should we moralize by telling other people what to do with their money. But that's just me.

Haha, yes--it is interesting the way some take such questions as an opportunity to jump up on soapboxes and sound off. Just as well, I say.

Truthfully, I would never talk about money in this way with anyone in real life (gasp!), so I really do value reading others' takes on such matters.

Yes, I'm sure people think these things, even if they don't say them. But my grandparents for instance had/ have more than enough money to buy their own house, their cars, insurance policies, no debt at all, many incomes, etc., and helped their children buy their first homes. It wasn't an either/ or thing for them, and at no time did they put their "retirement" in jeopardy. Like I said, if someone can and wants to, I really don't think it's any of my business. But, yes, I agree with you, soapboxes, etc.- it's the internet. Isn't it nice that we all have a little platform to publish our thoughts when we want to. LOL.

 

[Haven]

Oh I agree with you, Danny--it is none of my business. But as a repressed individual who will never speak about money in polite company, I'll join these threads and read everyone's thoughts if they're willing to share them!

(I have an off-topic question for you, Danny: Who is in your avatar? I have always thought it was a picture of you, but then read a post of yours that made me think otherwise. A hunk, whoever he is. )

 

[iLander]

(I have an off-topic question for you, Danny: Who is in your avatar? I have always thought it was a picture of you, but then read a post of yours that made me think otherwise. A hunk, whoever he is. )

Haven you have hit on a question that I want to hear the answer to!

Danny- for my blood pressure, I will just not read anything else written by certain people . . .I'll be good.

 

[Imdanny]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Tudors

 

[Haven]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Tudors

RAWR.

 

[Autumnovember]

So, there are theoretical parents and children and then there is reality.

We were offered a large sum by my in-laws for a dp and declined. Some will think this act was selfish, but it wasn't joy that they were seeking in offering it, but control. CUSO, it is awesome that you have such a fantastic relationship with your ILs, but they seem like wonderful people. Those of us dealing with passive aggressive individuals have a very different row to hoe if you will. I did not want them to be able to dictate who lives in our house, what we do in it, how many children we have, etc. So we said no. They instead put aside the money for our baby's future college tuition, oh and they made it clear that they are retaining control of that money and that he needs to get into a good school, oh he won't get the money if he doesn't go to college.

My own parents have no money to offer, but they regularly drive across the country to help us and spend all their vacation time with us. They have been teaching us how to build/repair/care for our new house, are a model for marital happiness, and bring us joy constantly despite their very limited means.

You are so right. If it gives parents joy to give there kids money just for joy alone, alway accept. If there are altering motives than you must do what your heart tells you to do. I know how these motives work, believe me. But the question was not about altering motives, the OP is just a great dad wondering about a D/P for his daughter, of which I suspect he will gladly do.

The word you are groping for is "ulterior".

Darn I-phone. But I do notice when people run out of steam for their arguments, grammar and spelling is what they tend to pursue.

Cuso, when you first started posting here, you remarked on how supportive and nice everyone was on this forum. You mentioned that on the watch forums that everyone treated you badly and was disrespectful of your views.

I think your tone, in the vast majority of your posts, has not matched the tone of respect and support that you, at first, found so pleasant here on PS. Please don't bring the watch forum here with you.

My thoughts exactly.

 

[partgypsy]

I am learning about personal finance and am also curious (nosey) about how other people handle money matters, but again, it's not something that you can ask about in polite company! We have friends who have been doing a lot of remodeling on their already pricey home, with the joke "spending their way to financial freedom". But they don't seem to be under any financial duress, so it makes me want to ask, no really, how DID you afford this remodel? Home Loan, parents help? But of course I can't.

 

[autumngems]

HollyS,
Is that your house in your Icon, it's gorgeous?

 

[HollyS]

I love this house, but it is not mine. This is a still photo from the movie "Stepmom" with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. Susan's character lives in this house. The last few scenes of the movie are at Christmas.

Let's see if I can get a bigger photo for you:

 

[Lady_Disdain]

The course this discussion has taken raises the question: Should parents bequeath their estate to their children?
And, as I am an intolerable pest, I'll add: Will *you* bequeath your estate to your children?

If they wish, but it is not a must. I have told my parents many times that they should first use their money for their comfort, health and luxury. Then, leave whatever is left over to whom ever they wish. I would not consider their money "my" inheritance until their will is read and if I am mentioned. The concept of "advancing" an inheritance makes no sense to me whatsoever.

I do admit that I would be hurt if they left a significant amount to my sister and nothing for me. Not because of the nothing for me part, but because of a large difference in treatment, which is completely different from how they treated us throughout our lives and what they tell us. However, I would have no problem in different treatments according to a logic, whatever it is.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Tudors

RAWR.

Haven - you totally gotta watch at least one episode of the Tudors! I had to watch it when my DH wasn't home. lol!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

The course this discussion has taken raises the question: Should parents bequeath their estate to their children?
And, as I am an intolerable pest, I'll add: Will *you* bequeath your estate to your children?

Who else would I give my "estate" too? My wacko relatives? hahaha. The other day I was filling out insurance forms and the $ is specifically split 50/50 between my boys. I would NEVER change the ratio, but if need be I'd change the age in which they receive the money.