Sister issues - conclusion

[anchor31]

I'm sorry this is so long. I just need to... well, you'll see.

My relationship with my sister is... pretty much over.

She made a post on LJ (LiveJournal - I use it to keep in touch with friends and wedding planning communities) that she intented to be filtered, but something obviously went wrong and it ended up on my friends list. I read it. In it, she went on and on and on about how she doesn't believe in marriage; how she believes I'm marrying for the wrong reasons (well, if she doesn't believe in marriage, I guess that's a given); how she never wanted to be my MOH but felt forced into it (I NEVER forced her. I told her she DIDN'T HAVE TO DO IT if she wasn't comfortable with it. I gave her an out. But SHE insisted.); how I've pretty much been an insensitive b*tch and never stopped talking about it (I've actually been super easy on her); how I'm sucking the life out of her because she has to do all those things for me (I NEVER asked her to do those things. She CHOSE to. Why am I to blame here?)... Well, you get the idea. I felt sick to my stomach to see her telling those things about me to total strangers (she met most of her friends list through fandom) instead of talking to me like I ASKED her to. I felt sick to my stomach that my happiness is making her feel so miserable. Something about all this is making her unspeakably angry, and it's making feel like throwing up.

I read it through, took a deep breath and went to see her. I told her I was sorry she felt this way. I never wanted her to feel this way, I gave her an out, asked her to talk to me. I told her I knew about it all along and I'd been looking for a way to give her another out for months. I told her I was hurt, but I thought we could talk this through. While I talked she looked at me with this really mean look in her eyes. And then she just sat there and said nothing. I was getting really pissed at her stubborn teenager routine, but I kept my calm as much as I could. At one point she ended up saying that she hadn't done anything, which lead me to enumerating some of the sh*tty behaviour she's been dishing out for the past months... Then she said I was attacking her and she couldn't have a discussion with me. I tried to explain that I was trying to get her to understand how I feel... I just wanted to understand what was going on. She just looked so angry, and I asked her to tell me why, but she said I didn't want to know and she couldn't talk about it and closed up. I asked her if J had ever done anything to her and she said no (God I hate her for putting those thoughts in my mind). I asked her if she thought there could be a solution to this and she said that that was why she's leaving for a year. I knew that. I know that running away won't solve anything, but I told her that even though it was really hard for me to see her leave, I've tried to be as supportive as I could (for some reason she scoffed at that) and I told her that I wish her nothing but the best there and I hope she finds what she's looking for. I asked her if she thought there was a way we could work out what's happening between us, and she said that she intended to work on her feelings (I'm not sure she undertands them herself) and the LJ entry was the first of several through her progress and she wanted to do this on her own. Why she has to make me look like a crazy bridezilla to total strangers to acheive that is beyond me, but anyway. At one point she just got up and walked out, saying she couldn't do this. Notice that running away seems to be the only response she can have when faced by a difficult situation... But it doesn't seem to work, doesn't it? She just leaves everything in ruins behind her, never tries to heal things.



She came to see me as I was typing this. She said she knows she's hurting me and she knows she's wrong. She just can't talk about it and doesn't want me to confront her. I asked her if she wanted out and she said she didn't know. I asked her to tell me when she did, because I need to know. She left.

So... I don't know. I'm not sure what I should do. I'm not sure there's something I can do. We were supposed to go dress shopping for her on June 9th because she leaves in July and is not coming back before 2-3 weeks before the wedding. I guess I'll go with my BM, and if my sister decides that she doesn't want out we'll figure something out for her dress. I don't really care about that for the moment.

I'm confused and hurt right now, and angry. I'm probably going to be sick before the night is over. I just... I really try to do my best. As I said in the Hair thread, I'm pretty much a "whatever" bride... I just want to marry J, and the only aspects that are really important to me if we're going to have a wedding are the music and the photos and everyone enjoying themselves. The rest? WHATEVER. So, bridezilla, not really, unless I'm doing something that I really can't see. I wasn't going to pick her dress, force her to buy shoes or accessories, ask her to pay for hair and make up or even give her specific tasks. She was just going to be there, and I wanted her to have fun. PERIOD. I guess that just the fact that I'm getting married (apparently just so I can try to force my relationship into stability or whatever) is too much for her, so there's nothing I could have done to NOT be in this situation.

I don't know this person. She used to be my best friend, but I don't know her anymore. She's angry, bitter, reclusive, dismissive... I know she's been going through hard times, she talks (or used to talk) to me about them and I try to help her. How can so much anger be directed against me and my marriage... I really can't understand it. She needs help, but she won't go.

God, I'm going to be sick. This is a nightmare. She doesn't know if she wants out, but I do. I want out. I want her and J's parents and everyone who are mean and destructive to us to go away... I just want to be with people who love me.


Happy birthday to me.


I would appreciate some prayers, for me and for my sister. I'm not sure she would appreciate, but I would. Thanks.

 

[diamondfan]

Anchor, I feel for you, I have no contact with my sister, after years of her being wicked and awful and mean to me, she hurt my son and that was it for me. So I totally feel for you.

First, I would not plan on her being in the wedding. Put that on the back burner, she is sending messages loud and clear. I think the ONLY thing you could do is guesstimate her dress size and get her one, if she comes back in time and decides she wants to participate, you have the dress. If you really want to have her I think this is the only choice right now, clearly something is up and you are not getting the response you need.

Also, maybe there is something really bad going on in her, having nothing to do with you, she is lashing out, sort of crying out for help, but right now she is also pushing you away. Not much you can do in that case, I am sorry to say.

What do your folks think of all this?

 

[Skippy123]

Anchor,
I am so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers. Marriage is a huge change for everyone. I know it was big for my sister and me. It never will be like when you lived with your parents and sister again. Maybe she is trying to deal with that and does not know how to. It is awful how your sister handled the situation but maybe she was lost and thought posting her feelings would help. I would just give it time. I think you should give yourself some time too. Could you talk to a therapist? I think sometimes we just need help to sort out our own feelings and a therapist can help with that. It also helps to have an unbiased opinion to give you some insight that you may not see or just confirm your feelings. You are in my prayers Anchor. Lots of hugs to you.

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh anchor so sorry. But what I took from your post, is that it's probably not about YOU, more a thing where she is in a dark place. No clue what is going on in her life, or why she is so negative about your loving relationship with J. Jealousy, envy, etc.. Comes to mind. I'd leave her out for now.... And take some time to sort all this out. Be with those that love and support you at this special time in your life. I pray she turns around. But wouldn't count on it. I think she has no clue what a huge loss this will be to her.

HUGE HUGS!!!!!!
And will keep you in my prayers

Lisa

 

[musey]

Anchor, I''m so sorry. What an upsetting situation, but it sounds like you handled it very well, considering. Your sister is a teenager, right? Those years are so confusing and difficult, even for the best of us. I''m really sorry that she wouldn''t tell you what the problem truly was, I know that would just eat at me, too. It really doesn''t seem like your relationship is "over," she''s just struggling to deal with whatever is bugging her right now.

The year away may give her a lot of chances to change and grow up, and hopefully she''ll come back with a new perspective on things. But I agree with diamondfan, it seems reasonable to assume that she won''t be participating as your MOH. Don''t set yourself up for disappointment by hoping/planning on her being there, and that way if she does have a change of heart, it will be a pleasant surprise.

Hugs

 

[Kaleigh]

OMG, it''s your birthday??? Oh sweetie, so sorry your birthday was filled with such drama!!!

I wish I could send you a big cake, and a big hug!!!

Deep breaths, take some time.....

 

[VRBeauty]

Anchor:

It sounds like your sister is deep in something -- depression? BPD? just growing up (or not) the hard way? -- that has nothing to do with you. I''d suggest that you give up the thought of having her in your wedding. Have a dress at the ready if you want, but other than that just plan as if she''s not going to be there. Bending over backwards for her at this point is just allowing her to behave as she is, without having to deal with the consequences. I realize there''s a possibility that whatever she''s dealing with is not so much a choice on her part. Even if that''s the case, she apparently is not seeking help although she probably knows that she should do so.

Try to let your sister go with love, and get on with planning your wedding. I''d also try to forget about the fact that she dumped on you in her e-mail to your world. Your friends know that the person she''s describing isn''t you, and in all likelihood they''ve already read between the lines and figured out that your sister is basically disturbed.

Your mantra, should you choose to accept it, is "my sister''s behaviour has nothing to do with me."

I know there are some mental health pros on this board, and I hope they''ll chime in. You might also want to chat with a counselor or minister for yourself just to talk things out -- for you.

And yes, I''ll send up a prayer for you both.

 

[whatmeworry]

Geez Anchor, what a punch it the gut to read something like that. I''ll be praying for you and your sister. Happy Birthday Cheers coming to you.

 

[surfgirl]

Sorry you have to deal with this crap and on your bday too. From what you wrote it sounds like she is very angry. Maybe she''s jealous of you and your "new life", maybe she''s depressed about other issues. But you cant fix her. You can only let her know you''re there for her. Personally, if it was me, I''d make the decision myself, and not wait for her to dain to tell you if she''ll grace you with her presence in your wedding party. I''d tell her that you understand she''s going through something and you think it will be easier to release her from her obligation to be in the wedding party and that you''d of course love and want her to just be at the wedding as a guest and enjoy herself without any of the bridal party broohah. I''m not sure why you''re waiting around for her to decide...It doesn''t sound like you want her in the bridal party as is so make the decision for her. Take control of YOUR wedding. And dont let her rain on what should be a happy time for you.

That all said, are your parents living and if so, have you spoken to them about this behavior? It sounds like she should see a shrink...

 

[E B]

First of all, I'm so sorry this is happening to you on your birthday. *Hugs*

Please, try not to feel sick. This is most likely temporary, and though it doesn't seem like it now, I'm sure you two will work it out when the dust has settled. You said you were best friends, and you're twins. A bond like that isn't worth ending simply because the two of you are in two different places at this very confusing time in your lives (and I can relate! Early to mid-twenties have proven confusing for me as well).

She can't understand where you are, and you're having a hard time understanding her reactions. To me, it seems like a matter of being in two different places, and having a hard time relating to eachother as I assume you've been able to your entire lives.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but a good friend of mine is an identical twin, and he went through something similar; his twin brother found a girl and moved to a completely different city 8 hours away. As this happened, I watched my friend have a meltdown; not because he wasn't happy for his brother, but because it was always the two of them, and now, the paths were separating. That isn't easy for anyone!

She loves you. If she didn't, you getting married wouldn't mean a thing to her. I'm not saying you should excuse her bad behavior, but I do believe there is light at the end of this tunnel.

*More hugs and prayers*

 

[anchor31]

I just wanted to post a short thank you before leaving for work. I hard day in the field should clear up my mind and vent some anger...

For those who don''t know, she''s not a teenager. She''s my twin, and we turned 22 yesterday. I compared her to a stubborn teenager because that''s pretty much what she acts like.

Will answer everyone when I''ll be back from work.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I don''t have any advice other than what''s already been said, but I''m so sorry this had to happen, especially on your birthday.

 

[MustangFan]

i''m sorry to hear about your sister and it being a crummie b-day for you.

I would consider her out of the wedding, at least you know now and not a month away.

I don''t think it''s fair that you gave your sister a way out and she''s doing this, maybe she felt obligated, but that''s not what weddings are about.

 

[NYCsparkle]

awww...sorry about you b-day drama...do you have any relatives or her friends who may know why she''s acting this way? what do they think? go dress shopping and if she chooses not to be a part of your day then just leave the moh spot open for her. shes in a dark place right now and probably needs help, time and understanding. i know you are upset and probably angry, but keep the lines of communication open--hopefully in her own time she''ll come around.

 

[Independent Gal]

Aww, Anchor, I''m SO SORRY to read this. I''m sorry that all of this is so hard for you and I''m sorry it''s so hard on your sister too, because it''s clear you love her very much and that you''re worried about her too.

I suspect that, given time, and when your sister sees that things are changing but that she''s not LOSING you your relationship will improve again. It really does sound like she is having a hard time inside herself and projecting her hurt and anger on to you.

If I were you I would let her know that at this point, you don''t expect her in the wedding but that if she chooses to ''rejoin'', nothing in the world would make you happier. Let her know that you''re always going to be there for her, that you love her, and that it breaks your heart to fight with her. And then just... let her go for a while. Give each other some space. As long as there''s love between you, you can pick up the thread.

But I would mention to your folks that you''re worried about her. It really sounds like she''s got something sitting heavily in her soul at the moment.

And happy day-after-birthday with lots of hugs and support from your PS fan club: >>>>

 

[robbie3982]

::hugs:: I''m so sorry you''re going through this, especially on your birthday! I agree that this doesn''t have anything to do with you. I think that you need to believe that she won''t be in the wedding and plan accordingly. That way you won''t be setting yourself up for disappointment on what should be the happiest day of your life. I don''t think this is necessarily the end between you two, but I do think it will take your sister time to sort out her feelings and then it will be up to you about whether or not to forgive her.

 

[hikerchick]

{{{HUGS}}} . . .
I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. It really sounds like she is having a hard time adjesting to your new situation. Maybe the being best friends' part is feeling like it is coming to an end. They say when people are most sad about losing a relationship, they push away even harder. I know this is hurting right now. I felt sick to me stomach reading your pain coming through so tangibly. Hang in there, give her some space and may be she will come around.

As far as dress shopping, extend the offer for her to go being explicit in saying that you will understand if she doesn't want to go. Give her a BIG hug, tell her you love her no matter what. Then find the dresses with your BMs, keep her in mind and maybe if your budget allows, buy her a dress in her size and store it away for if and when she comes around. Plan around her and wait to see what happens. I probably wouldn't ask anyone else to take her spot as MOH right now but keep a replacement in mind. You can ask that replacement closer to your wedding date.

Good Luck Anchor and keep us posted. Again, my heart goes out to you, as I too have a sister who is my best friend and can't fathom how hurt you must be right now.

 

[KimberlyH]

Anchor,

It''s terrible that it has come to this. Sending tons of good vibes prayers your way.

~K

 

[sumbride]

I''m so sorry Anchor! I don''t have much to add that the other ladies haven''t covered, but I do wish you the best new year after a bad birthday... Weddings can do funny things to people, but what your sister is going thru has nothing to do with you or what you''ve done... Think about all the good coming up and try not to let her get you down!

 

[neatfreak]

Anchor, everyone has already said what I would have. It sucks that she''s acting this way and it sounds like you are doing everything you can to make it right.

Just consider her out and if she changes her mind then it will be a pleasant surprise. But it sounds like she needs some real help dealing with her emotions.

HUGS!!!!

 

[decodelighted]

Seperation is hard on both parties. There''s no easy way around it ... It''s almost like you guys are going through a divorce! An ugly one at that.

Listen, try not to worry about how she''s "making you seem like a Bridezilla" -- whatEVER! People know enough not to believe one side of things ... and if they''re mutual friends, they know you''re not like that ... and if they''re her Fandom friends alone -- WHO GIVES A ****!

She may be 22 but emotionally it''s clear she''s stunted. She *is* still a pouty teen INSIDE. Nothing you can do about it.

It may be YEARS before she "catches up" with you or is able to have the kind of relationship you USED to have -- on an EQUAL footing. Though it will NEVER be as entwined as it was -- that''s simply not healthy as you move on in life, with a new family etc.

Don''t tell yourself it''s "over" ... do what you have to do to get through this rough spot & not let it affect your overall happiness & new life. Leave a tiny crack in the window open for a reunion if & when she can behave like an adult.

 

[akw94]

Anchor,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
What a sucky thing to happen to you! I think what you said is right, that there''s not much you can do to make this better. I think her issues are *her* issues and you won''t be able to solve them. I think all you can do is distance yourself from her. I wouldn''t make attempts to include her in your wedding. If it turns out that in a few months or once she gets back, she has worked through some issues and wants to participate, then great but I would try not to expect it or make any decisions that would require her participation.
As for her writing online, I would try not to let that bug you too much. It''s a product of her immaturity and truly does not reflect on you. You know who you are and your friends know who you are, that''s all that''s important.
I am so sorry you are still going through this!

Are you able to do anything FUN for your birthday? At least have a nice big piece of cake w/J...

 

[jas]

Oh, Anchor, I am so sorry. Once again we see everyone close to the happy couple viewing the wedding/marriage through their own lens...unfortunately, there are people who chose to try to make you feel wrong/foolish/selfish while you simulataneously get told repeatedly, "This is your special day."

In the words of Charlie Brown -- ACK.

I''m so sorry sweetie. Know that you''re not alone. Sisters are tough. Being a sister is tough. My own told me almost exactly the same thing right before the wedding (and you and I are similar in that I didn''t want anyone to fret...just show up, I''ll pay for stuff...smile pretty).

There are a lot of people who understand ... it seems you know that this is in no way about you, but it''s about your sister. The awful part is that you just want people to be happy for you, no strings attached. However, we''re all string. All of us.

I''m kinda rambling as I try to say that we understand...

Best,
Jackie

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Aww, is it your birthday? Happy happy one to you, girl!

I hope time heals things with your sister. I think really, people deal with marriage of people they''re close to in different ways. You''re not to blame. There is undoubtably any way you could work it out to please her, and what''s more, it''s not about her. Keep on keeping on and try to just keep in the back of your mind that marriage effects everyone, and she''s just not dealing well right now. It could change. I pray it does.

 

[fabcrab]

Anchor. I AM SO SOOOO SORRY you are going through this. [HUGS]. No one should go through this especially on their birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!). I think you need to tell her she''s no longer your MOH. It''s easier said than done but you really need to just surround your self with people who are loving and caring.

It sounds like your sister is deeply troubled.

I hope things get better for you soon. Please hang in there.

 

[FireGoddess]

Happy Birthday Anchor!!! I am so sorry to hear about this. I am glad that somehow you found out about it though, because better to know and confront her about it (even as nicely as you did) and get it out there instead of having it spewed out like venom to strangers behind your back.

Your sister is acting like a complete biotch and you are far more patient than I - I likely would have told her I read the whole thing and not to worry, she is officially relieved of all duties just like she wanted. Whatever her issue is - just try not to let it keep you down. This should be a happy time for you and whatever the heck flew up her butt needs to be her problem, and not yours.

 

[anchor31]

Wow, I''m a little stunned with all the responses...

Obviously, something really big about my wedding and marriage is troubling her. She said she wants to work on it, but I think it might just be too much for her to do that and be my MOH at the same time... I''m probably going to tell her that, and tell her that I hope she attends as a guests and enjoys herself. I have only one BM, my BFF, and I don''t think I''m going to have a MOH at all.

whatmeworry, rainbowtrout, mustangfan, kimberlyh, sumbride, neatfreak, fabcrab - Thanks for your kind words, hugs and prayers.

diamondfan - I''m sorry about what happened with your sister. Family are definitely the ones we love the most and hurt us the most. My folks, they''re as lost and confused as I am. We all know she''s been through hard times, she often confides in me and my mom, but why is she becoming this ugly person... we really can''t see it.

skippy - I would love to talk to a therapist. Unfortunately right now I''m working in what I affectionately call Farm Land, a small rural town, and I have no car. I don''t have access to much except groceries!

I might when my contract is over and I go back to Montreal.

kaleigh - It''s so strange, because she wrote that my views of happiness is a husband and a few kids and a little house with a white picket fence (and it is, I truly believe I will be perfectly content to have a quiet family-oriented life) and how it''s BAD and she feels like she failed somehow. WTF??

So what if our visions of happiness are not the same? Because what I want for myself is not what she wants, it has to be bad and I''m not going to be happy? I''m getting sick of her "if your opinion/views/values/whatever are not the same as mine they''re wrong" thing. What is it to her if having a little white picket fence makes me happy, really? Thanks for the cake offer. My mom made me a delicious strawberry pie...

musey - Thanks for saying that I did well. I''m really working on my communications skills and how to fight effectively, and I think I''ve been making some progress.

MINIMS - She definitely has big issues, and I strongly suspect depression. I know that I didn''t cause this, and I do keep repeating to myself that her behaviour has nothing to do with me. It still hurts, but at least I know that.

surfgirl - Thanks, I needed to be told that. I do need to take control of my wedding once and for all. My parents are indeed living, and she''s pretty hard on them too. Everyone''s affected by this in the family... and we all think she should see a shrink. But we can''t exactly force her to.

ebree - I understand the whole "we''re at different places in our lives right now". And it''s okay. Everyone can''t be at the same place at the same time, right? I just wish she would look past her issues and see it.

decodelighted - The divorce analogy is a pretty good one. And you''re right, whatEVER! It''s like she''s having her teenager crisis at 20... We''re pretty much all praying we''ll see the end of it sometime soon. I know our relationship can''t be as entwined, as you say, as it was, I do think it''s necessary that it changes. I just never thought it would be so hard on her.

dixie - Mom made me a yummy starwberry pie, and my grandma came over, so I did enjoy the weekend. J spent the weekend at my parents with me, and we went shopping for fabric so I can make us curtains for our new appartment... I''m ridiculously excited about them.

jas - I remember the trouble you had with your own sister, so I know you understand. Thanks.

fisherofmengirly - Thanks for your words of wisdom. I think I remember it''s your hubby''s birthday soon?

NYCsparkle - I don''t think her friends will tell me anything else than "she''s afraid to lose you" and "she has trouble understanding how you can be ready for this when she''s not", which they''ve already told me. I''m not even sure they know what the bigger issue is, she didn''t even mention it in her LJ entry except not believing in marriage at all.

Independant gal - I''ve been hanging to that hope, that once she sees she''s not losing me she''ll come around, but she''s pussing me away really hard... And then she''ll blame me and J for it later. Whatever I do I always end up being the bad guy.

robbie - Thanks. My patience is wearing very thin... We''ll see.

hikerchick - I do think our relationship will definitely change. It already has. And I actually think it''s a good thing, it was necessary so we could live our own lives. I just wish she didn''t make it so difficult.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 5/7/2007 7:23:13 PM
Author: FireGoddess
Happy Birthday Anchor!!! I am so sorry to hear about this. I am glad that somehow you found out about it though, because better to know and confront her about it (even as nicely as you did) and get it out there instead of having it spewed out like venom to strangers behind your back.

Your sister is acting like a complete biotch and you are far more patient than I - I likely would have told her I read the whole thing and not to worry, she is officially relieved of all duties just like she wanted. Whatever her issue is - just try not to let it keep you down. This should be a happy time for you and whatever the heck flew up her butt needs to be her problem, and not yours.

I''m glad I found out about it too. At least now it''s out in the open. You''re probably right, maybe I''m just too nice. I am pissed that she''s letting whatever getting her so worked up become my problem... Because it''s not, and she shouldn''t let it.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 5/7/2007 7:31:27 PM
Author: anchor31
she wrote that my views of happiness is a husband and a few kids and a little house with a white picket fence (and it is, I truly believe I will be perfectly content to have a quiet family-oriented life) and how it''s BAD and she feels like she failed somehow. WTF??

This statement is pretty telling ... it says to me that she cannot differentiate herself from you AT ALL. She literally can''t tell where she begins & you end. I honestly feel pretty badly for her because I don''t think she has any idea what is going on & feels pretty helpless to control it. She lacks insight. She''s lashing out in terror. She feels like her whole life is out of control.

Her moving away & having new experiences etc (even if she''s doing it out of spite at first) is the best thing for you both. I can''t promise things will settle down before your wedding or that she''ll be the sister you wish she was anytime soon ... but I have a lot of faith in the ebb & flow of sibling relationships including twins (though my siblings are fraternal twins -- at very different life stages w/ emeshment issues & mental illness included in the puzzle).

HUGS!!

 

[diamondfan]

Anchor, my sis and I are not twins but had a similar issue in that she felt it was fine for her to pass judgement on what I wanted in life (marriage, kids, be at mom, etc) and she decided that I was lacking and that her way, having a high powered career, was "better". She treated me like an ignorant housewife who has nothing to contribute in her world. Well, I have a masters and frankly, SHE wanted the same things, but no one was around offering it to her. But though I realized this in my rational mind, it still hurt like crazy to have her be so mean and dismissive of what was important to me. If you love someone, you want them to be happy, you want to see them attain things in that direction...(not of course if it is something that is terrible, but you know what I mean...if one wants marriage and kids, and the other does not, there should still be happy feelings for the one who does get to have a marriage and family)...

Anyway, clearly she is struggling with some demons. And, though she is your sister, even if you were not planning a wedding, no one should sit still and allow themselves to be hurt over and over. And there is really no simple answer. So, to me, give her room, let her know you love her but that you do not understand where she is coming from, and so while you will be happy to listen and help her, she needs to make some changes first. One cannot be forced to change, it must come from within, so even with the best of intentions, it is best to tell her that and then back off. I hope for all concerned she comes around...