Sister issues - conclusion

[Kaleigh]

I am truly sorry. I forgot she is your twin. I think, twins have such a deep and special bond. I have identical twin cousins. Those two could tell when the other was in labor, even though they were thousands of miles away. I feel she is having trouble with losing a part of herself. She will never articulate this to you, only in anger and frustration perhaps. It seems like she is very unhappy with herself. I'd love to see her get some counseling, and work out her issues. She probably doesn't realize just unhappy she really is. What does you mom have to say??

You have such a mature way about you, and I applaud you. Hang in there, hugs galore!!!

 

[anchor31]

Thanks again everyone.

deco - Against probably everyone''s expetations, it indeed looks like she''s having one heck of a harder time to "separate" from me than I am. I hope she comes to terms with it soon.

diamondfan - Our situations are eerily similar... I''m sorry you had to go through that too.

kaleigh - We can be like that too... But I have to admit it''s not something I''ve ever been fond of. My mom is really sad to see my sister like this... She tries to help her, and she tries to help me cope with her. She''s very brave.


Update
So I just talked to her. I said I''d thought about what she said all day. I said I understand she has things to work out and I feel like it''s going to be too overwhelming to do that while having responsibilities, however minimal, towards my wedding day, so I wanted to ask her to step down as my MOH and attend as a guest and just enjoy herself as much as she can. She looking pretty uncomfortable, and I said that if she chooses to keep her role, things will need to be done before she leaves and I don''t think she''ll be ready. She insisted on having a week to decide. I said ok, I just want the whole thing to be as stress-free as possible for everyone. She said she understood that. She said that writing what she did helped her put things in perspective as part of a healing process for herself, and I unexpectedly jumped in the midst of it yesterday, which is why she was so mean and upset. I just said I wish she didn''t broadcast those words to the world and I left.

She seemed much calmer, even reasonable. We''ll see what happens in a week.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Yay for reason!

One positive is that it's still a year away, which gives her more time to come to terms with things (as well as time for everyone else, too).

I hate that there is so much drama floating around you right now. I'll keep hoping it ALL comes out now, so by the time the really stressful time comes, it'll be out of everyone's system!

**Yes, it was my Paul's birthday on Thursday. It was SO much fun! I wrote his birthday card on the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker; he loved it. It was the big 30, so I put bits and pieces from Tim McGraw's song "My Next 30 Years" all along the mirror, too. Especially this part: "The next 30 years will be the best years of my life, raise a little family and hang out with my WIFE, spend precious moments with those who I hold dear, in my next 30 years." Hee hee

 

[diamondfan]

Anchor, I am hoping it was cathartic for her though so sorry you had to see it and get hurt.

My mom does not speak to my sister, like me, she could not tolerate any more pain. She loves her and wishes her the best but it could not continue. It makes me sad, she is missing out on being in my life and my kid''s lives, but she made all the choices and what transpired is a direct result of her behavior. I really hope your sis can come around so there is no permanent damage, but just know you can go on without her, yes, you would miss her, but I am sure you would not miss the mean actions and hurtful behavior. Sadly there is not really a middle ground when someone is this angry, you either have to let go, with compassion but firmness, and decide you will not be a whipping boy anymore, or you end up living with abuse that eats away at you, while the other person it doing their thing without regard to you. So, best to just step back, allow her to come around when and if things become clear to her.

 

[firebirdgold]

Jeez! What the heck is her problem? This is just not anywhere approaching normal behavior. I''m so sorry this happened, especially on your birthday.
You''re not the one who needs counseling. There is something seriously wrong with your sister that she''s acting like this! Although, personally I think anyone who makes friends from internet fans should go straight into therapy anyway.

Hopefully a year away will mature her. I''ve forgotten, where is she going?

Is there any reason she''s so anti-marriage? I apologize for not remembering, but are your parents divorced? Has she been really hurt by a guy?

I''m so sorry. *Hug*

 

[FireGoddess]

I think you have been more than kind and generous in your dealing with her. I hope she does step down, because you shouldn''t have the stress of her deciding to ''stay in the game'' and then have her resentment resurface or be an issue during the planning.

 

[Mandarine]

Hi Anchor...sorry about all this....I have two sisters and I can''t even imagine going through something like this with one of them....it''s so heart breaking.

I think you are makign the right decisions and are approaching this with the right attitute. I hope you guys can work something out so that you are both happy. I know it''s your wedding day, but a sister''s bond is somethign that w should all treasure, as I know you do. Asking her to step down, although painful, is the best way to make sure everyone enjoys themselves. If she decides to keep her role, you will have to do your best to put the past behind you and not hold it against her...that may be hard to, but by accepting she satys you will have to do this if you want to avoid future conflicts and enjoy your day!..

Happy belated b-day!

M~

 

[allycat0303]

Anchor,

I''m so sorry you are going through this. I''m telling you, it''s all in the water here! Maybe from the St.Lawrence or something that brings out the worst in sisters. I think she was venting (kind of how we vent on this site), unfortunately, she should have been more careful about who saw it! I don''t think venting is bad, but it is when it''s hurtful. Hopefully she''ll feel like all of her resentsment are out of the way and she can move past all this messiness. Hugs! Good luck!

 

[anchor31]

fisher - Aw, that song is so cute and so appropriate for you two!

diamondfan - Thanks for the insight. We''ll see what happens.

Indie - Well, yeah, she definitely does have a problem. Thing is, she won''t tell me what it is. She''s going to Australia for 12 months. I pray it will open her eyes. As for her being so anti-marriage, I''m not entirely certain why. Our parents married at 19/24 after knowing each other foir not quite two years and are still happily married almost 33 years later. We have a wonderful family, it pains me that she doesn''t see it. She has been hurt and disappointed by quite a few boys in the past three years... She''s never had a serious romantic relationship, and even though she puts up the tough "I don''t need anyone" façade I know she wants one very badly. Unfortunately, for some reason she keeps getting attracted to jerks who string her along.

She says that relationships vary too much and normally people just come in and out of each other''s life, so it''s wrong to tie yourself to someone (or tie someone to yourself, as she seems to believe I''m doing) for the rest of your life. She literally called marriage a "ball and chain". But what does she know, really? She''s never been in a serious relationship, she''s never experienced what J and I have together, so how can she judge what we decide is best for us?

Firegoddess - Honestly, I hope she steps down too. My BFF (my BM) is happy and excited for me and I know we''ll have fun doing wedding stuff together, I don''t need my sullen sister to put a damper on our fun.

Mandarine - Thanks for the support. What you wrote is exactly what I tell myself.

 

[anchor31]

Well, I have a bit of good news... We''re still talking. I don''t think that with all the drama of the last few months we''ll ever be as close as we were, but that''s ok. At least we''re talking and being civilized. We''ll see what she tells me next Monday.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 5/8/2007 6:37:09 PM
Author: allycat0303
Anchor,

I''m so sorry you are going through this. I''m telling you, it''s all in the water here! Maybe from the St.Lawrence or something that brings out the worst in sisters. I think she was venting (kind of how we vent on this site), unfortunately, she should have been more careful about who saw it! I don''t think venting is bad, but it is when it''s hurtful. Hopefully she''ll feel like all of her resentsment are out of the way and she can move past all this messiness. Hugs! Good luck!

Ally, I missed your post... Thanks for your support. I''m sorry you''re having trouble with your sister still too.

 

[NYCsparkle]

sorry for your drama---could it be she''s having some life changing revelations...maybe she says shes not getting married because maybe shes questioning her sexuality. she sounds like she wants what you want , but not able to have it.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 5/9/2007 7:40:13 PM
Author: NYCsparkle
sorry for your drama---could it be she''s having some life changing revelations...maybe she says shes not getting married because maybe shes questioning her sexuality. she sounds like she wants what you want , but not able to have it.

No, I don''t believe she''s questionning her sexuality. She''s definitely attracted to men, and she told me once she liked men too much to like women.

 

[anchor31]

Kind of funny update...

My sister just asked me who the best man is. I said it was J''s brother, why? She looked really uncomfortable and asked me if she''d have to dance with him. I asked her what she was talking about, and she said it was one of the duties of the MOH, right? She said she looked them up on Google. It made me giggle, and I assured her that I wasn''t planning on forcing anyone to do anything. J and I might make our single older brothers dance on their socks (

), but that''s about it. I said it would be nice if the two family mingled, but we''re not being too strict on protocol.

So... that''s good I guess. She''s really being serious about this and taking an enlightened decision. It makes me happy.

 

[akw94]

Anchor, glad to hear things are going better w/your sister! How''s the rest of the planning coming along?

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 5/10/2007 7:25:51 PM
Author: anchor31
Kind of funny update...

My sister just asked me who the best man is. I said it was J''s brother, why? She looked really uncomfortable and asked me if she''d have to dance with him. I asked her what she was talking about, and she said it was one of the duties of the MOH, right? She said she looked them up on Google. It made me giggle, and I assured her that I wasn''t planning on forcing anyone to do anything. J and I might make our single older brothers dance on their socks (

), but that''s about it. I said it would be nice if the two family mingled, but we''re not being too strict on protocol.

So... that''s good I guess. She''s really being serious about this and taking an enlightened decision. It makes me happy.

Did something happen with her and J''s brother?

 

[anchor31]

Date: 5/10/2007 7:31:29 PM
Author: dixie94
Anchor, glad to hear things are going better w/your sister! How''s the rest of the planning coming along?

Thanks. Not much wedding stuff happenig right now except for drama, I''m sad to say. We moved in together on April 29th and have been very busy with that.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 5/10/2007 10:06:30 PM
Author: robbie3982

Date: 5/10/2007 7:25:51 PM
Author: anchor31
Kind of funny update...

My sister just asked me who the best man is. I said it was J''s brother, why? She looked really uncomfortable and asked me if she''d have to dance with him. I asked her what she was talking about, and she said it was one of the duties of the MOH, right? She said she looked them up on Google. It made me giggle, and I assured her that I wasn''t planning on forcing anyone to do anything. J and I might make our single older brothers dance on their socks (

), but that''s about it. I said it would be nice if the two family mingled, but we''re not being too strict on protocol.

So... that''s good I guess. She''s really being serious about this and taking an enlightened decision. It makes me happy.

Did something happen with her and J''s brother?

No... I''m not entirely sure they even met. Maybe they did once? I think she''s just shy.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 5/10/2007 10:25:09 PM
Author: anchor31

Date: 5/10/2007 10:06:30 PM
Author: robbie3982

Date: 5/10/2007 7:25:51 PM
Author: anchor31
Kind of funny update...
My sister just asked me who the best man is. I said it was J''s brother, why? She looked really uncomfortable and asked me if she''d have to dance with him. I asked her what she was talking about, and she said it was one of the duties of the MOH, right? She said she looked them up on Google. It made me giggle, and I assured her that I wasn''t planning on forcing anyone to do anything. J and I might make our single older brothers dance on their socks (

), but that''s about it. I said it would be nice if the two family mingled, but we''re not being too strict on protocol.
So... that''s good I guess. She''s really being serious about this and taking an enlightened decision. It makes me happy.

Did something happen with her and J''s brother?

No... I''m not entirely sure they even met. Maybe they did once? I think she''s just shy.

Hi anchor31 - do you think your sister could have a CRUSH on J''s brother, but feel weird about it because she''s your twin?

 

[anchor31]

Haha... That''s a funny one! No, I seriously doubt that. He''s really not her type, and while he''s nice to talk to he''s a bit of a lazy bum, not someone she''d want to have a relationship with since she''s very focused and carreer-driven. No, I think she''s shy as in she doesn''t like to be in the spotlight, she doesn''t like to dance, and she''s shy around people she doesn''t know or doesn''t know well.

Anyway, she has nothing to worry about since we won''t be doing a BP dance.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Maybe some social anxiety? She seems to have some fear of the situation perhaps combined with some jealousy.

In any event, I think it will be terribly sad if she is not the MOH. Isn''t about the only thing she''ll HAVE to do is get fitted for the dress and then be there the weekend of the wedding? That''s all my little sister did (she was 16 when we got married). Have you told her that''s all she''d have to do?

 

[anchor31]

Date: 5/12/2007 9:39:19 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Maybe some social anxiety? She seems to have some fear of the situation perhaps combined with some jealousy.

In any event, I think it will be terribly sad if she is not the MOH. Isn''t about the only thing she''ll HAVE to do is get fitted for the dress and then be there the weekend of the wedding? That''s all my little sister did (she was 16 when we got married). Have you told her that''s all she''d have to do?

No, she won''t have anything to do besides that... I''ve told her before, but maybe I should say it again.

 

[fatafelice]

Anchor - Big (((((HUGS))))) for having to go through all of this. I don''t always get along with my older sister, but I too would be very upset if she was acting like this. I can''t imagine how hard it would be coming from a twin whom you were always close to. You are handling this with such maturity, and I hope that your sister is able to make some more progress before the wedding.

 

[anchor31]

Hey fatafelice, how are you doing? Thanks for the support.

Tomorrow will be a week, we''ll see. I''m kinda nervous. J wants me to ask his sister to be a BM if my sister steps down... I don''t know. I like her well enough, but I don''t want to ask her just because my sister stepped down and it''s more even if we have two people in our BP each... I guess we''ll have to discuss that if my sister does step down.

Gah! So much trouble!

 

[fatafelice]

I say wait until your sister decides what she wants to do before you try to make that decision. I hope for your sake that she decides to stay in AND be more supportive, but if she cannot manage that, then you can figure it out. Fingers crossed that this all gets a little easier for you! I know that I am completely stressed out and I don''t even have crazy drama to deal with (knock on wood). More ((((HUGS))))!

PS: I am doing well, other than the stress! Fortunately, I will have a solid week after school gets out to take care of all the little things, but the stuff that is pressing now....

...Let''s just say PS is a nice (but dangerous) distraction!

 

[iheartscience]

Hi Anchor. I'm sorry to hear about the problems you're having with your twin sister. I'm a twin myself and my sister and I definitely had a lot of problems getting along from around the ages of 18 to 21. I think a lot of it has to do with growing apart as you change and get older. But, my sister and I love each other very much and we have grown closer again as we've gotten a bit older. (We're 25 now.) Even so, we still argue fairly regularly, but we've always been the types to get over stuff quickly, so we can go from fighting one minute to getting along literally five minutes later.

I also know how hard it is when you aren't crazy about your sister's boyfriend, which could be part of the problem your sister has. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your fiance, but it is hard when you don't love your twin's significant other. Plus she could be a bit jealous of you and your fiance's closeness. My sister has dated a few guys long term that I wasn't that into and it did cause problems in me and my sister's relationship. Anyways, it seems like your sister is coming around, and I have a feeling that by the time your wedding comes around she will be more reasonable.

It also sounds like she is probably depressed. Depression makes it very hard to see the big picture because you're too busy being wrapped up in your own misery. I'm not sure how you can get her to see that she could use some help. Maybe you could suggest it to her along with your parents and say that you'd like to go with her so you guys can work on your relationship, too? It's very hard to help someone who doesn't want help, but it's definitely worth trying again if you think she's really depressed.

I think her going to Australia will probably end up being a good thing for both of you, actually. She'll get to be her own person and grow on her own, and you'll be able to do the same. Good luck and don't despair-I think you two will definitely be able to move past this and become close again, just in a different way.

I hope my (slightly older) twin's perspective helps!

ETA: I would also hold off on replacing her as MOH-I think that might hurt your relationship more in the long run and it seems like you're still at the point in your planning where you can drag your feet a little on that decision.

 

[nytemist]

I''m so sorry that you have all this going on with her. It could be jealousy, envy or anger at something going on her life. Thing is, no one will know until she knows what''s bothering her. Until she knows that, she can''t explain it to anyone else. I''m not excusing her mean behavior at all, but there obivously is something she needs to sort out in her head.

I know you two were really close at one point. I know it hurst that''s this is happening. But you have to remember- it isn''t anything YOU did. Your moving into a new phase in your life. You worked hard to get where you are and you were fortunate to find a man that you want to share your life with. Celebrate all that you have to be happy about- don''t let anyone take that from you, or try to find a way to make you feel bad about it.

 

[firebirdgold]

Umm... I may be totally off base here.. but reading this thread has made me wonder if your sister had been... hurt.. by a guy at some point in the past?

 

[anchor31]

Date: 5/13/2007 9:47:31 PM
Author: fatafelice
I say wait until your sister decides what she wants to do before you try to make that decision. I hope for your sake that she decides to stay in AND be more supportive, but if she cannot manage that, then you can figure it out. Fingers crossed that this all gets a little easier for you! I know that I am completely stressed out and I don''t even have crazy drama to deal with (knock on wood). More ((((HUGS))))!

PS: I am doing well, other than the stress! Fortunately, I will have a solid week after school gets out to take care of all the little things, but the stuff that is pressing now....

...Let''s just say PS is a nice (but dangerous) distraction!

Thanks. I''m not taking any decision until I have her answer. There''s been some progress... I''ll post about it once I have the whole story.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 5/13/2007 11:31:03 PM
Author: thing2of2
Hi Anchor. I''m sorry to hear about the problems you''re having with your twin sister. I''m a twin myself and my sister and I definitely had a lot of problems getting along from around the ages of 18 to 21. I think a lot of it has to do with growing apart as you change and get older. But, my sister and I love each other very much and we have grown closer again as we''ve gotten a bit older. (We''re 25 now.) Even so, we still argue fairly regularly, but we''ve always been the types to get over stuff quickly, so we can go from fighting one minute to getting along literally five minutes later.

I also know how hard it is when you aren''t crazy about your sister''s boyfriend, which could be part of the problem your sister has. I''m not saying there''s anything wrong with your fiance, but it is hard when you don''t love your twin''s significant other. Plus she could be a bit jealous of you and your fiance''s closeness. My sister has dated a few guys long term that I wasn''t that into and it did cause problems in me and my sister''s relationship. Anyways, it seems like your sister is coming around, and I have a feeling that by the time your wedding comes around she will be more reasonable.

It also sounds like she is probably depressed. Depression makes it very hard to see the big picture because you''re too busy being wrapped up in your own misery. I''m not sure how you can get her to see that she could use some help. Maybe you could suggest it to her along with your parents and say that you''d like to go with her so you guys can work on your relationship, too? It''s very hard to help someone who doesn''t want help, but it''s definitely worth trying again if you think she''s really depressed.

I think her going to Australia will probably end up being a good thing for both of you, actually. She''ll get to be her own person and grow on her own, and you''ll be able to do the same. Good luck and don''t despair-I think you two will definitely be able to move past this and become close again, just in a different way.

I hope my (slightly older) twin''s perspective helps!

ETA: I would also hold off on replacing her as MOH-I think that might hurt your relationship more in the long run and it seems like you''re still at the point in your planning where you can drag your feet a little on that decision.

Thanks for your insight. I pray that she finds what she''s looking for during her time away. She is coming around... more on that later. And no, I won''t be replacing her as a MOH. If she steps down, I may ask my FSIL to be a BM, not a MOH.