slightly controversial

[titian23]

Ok - Im not sure how everyone is going to feel about this post but as there have been a couple of ladies lately who have asked to be taken off the list for one reason or another (I''m really sorry) it has made me really stop and consider what constantly checking PS does for our ability to stay, well rational for lack of a better word, about the whole engagement process?

My bf told me in a great conversation we had yesterday that he is seeing a somewhat different side of me lately since we''ve started discussing future plans, and even I can see that it seems to be on my mind 24/7. Does anyone else think that constantly focusing on something that hasn''t happened yet just might not be the best thing we could be doing?

This question is just for curiosity''s sake, not a judgment of any kind!

 

[Lauren8211]

While some people may find PS a negative thing while going through the LIW process, I found it to be very helpful.

I don't think PS made me obsess any more than I would have otherwise. I mean, I did Google "When will my boyfriend propose" in order to find this place (

) so obviously it was already a huge thought in my mind!!

It really helped me to talk to others about it here, especially since I didn't want to talk to people already in my life outside of PS. I got to vent occasionally, and get perspective when I was really flipping out. Plus, I met a great group of women along the way.

To each his own, and yes, I do think that maybe the LIW section isn't helpful to everyone. Watching all these other girls get engaged could be hard on some, however, it gave me hope!

 

[bee*]

I agree with elle and found it useful for me when I was a liw. I think it depends on the timing of when you join a bit as well. If you''re discussed engagements etc with your bf, then I think it can help during the waiting, however if you''ve never had these conversations and are hoping that your bf will propose without knowing whether he''s ready or not, then I can see how being on here can make you obsess a bit more than you might otherwise. For me I found PS when I googled Tiffany Lucida and I couldn''t believe that I had found a LIW section with girls who were posting exactly what I felt so it was definitely good to be around others who felt the same way for me anyway.

 

[Lilac]

I agree with elle and bee. I found it very helpful when I was a LIW because I had finally found people who knew what I was going through and felt the same way! I didn''t actually start posting on PS until after I got married, but I was on here every single day reading posts during my days when I was waiting for an engagement. For me, it helped me not obsess over getting engaged as much because I felt like the ladies here had that in common with me - if I had been posting then, it would have helped even more because I could have talked to people *here* and not talked about it quite as much to my then-BF. I think it depends what you make of this forum - for some people, it can become their outlet to talk about it and it helps that others are in the same place, but for others it makes them obsess about it more which is when it can be a negative thing.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/9/2009 8:23:05 AM
Author:titian23
Ok - Im not sure how everyone is going to feel about this post but as there have been a couple of ladies lately who have asked to be taken off the list for one reason or another (I''m really sorry) it has made me really stop and consider what constantly checking PS does for our ability to stay, well rational for lack of a better word, about the whole engagement process?

My bf told me in a great conversation we had yesterday that he is seeing a somewhat different side of me lately since we''ve started discussing future plans, and even I can see that it seems to be on my mind 24/7. Does anyone else think that constantly focusing on something that hasn''t happened yet just might not be the best thing we could be doing?

This question is just for curiosity''s sake, not a judgment of any kind!

Honestly, I don''t think these boards can influence a person to be any more irrational than they were before they joined.

I am a "LIW", but I am not a desperate LIW. I do not bug my boyfriend about it, it is not all that is on my mind, it is not something I "constantly focus" on. Yes, I want to get engaged, as it is the first step towards getting married, but I am not foaming at the mouth over it!

However, it probably helps that I have a great BF who is a man of his word, and is also very excited to get engaged/married.

I do feel out of place here on the LIW boards a lot, because I can''t relate to the other girls feelings, but I try my best to sympathize and offer advice when I can. What pains me the worst are the girls here who are obviously with the wrong guy, but want a proposal so bad that they can''t even see who they''re really with.

I hope this post doesn''t make me sound like a complete b****. Just being honest!

I should add that I found these boards while Googling cushion diamonds/rings to show my BF, not anything proposal-related.

 

[titian23]

Hi Lilyfoot

I don''t think you are a b**** at all! I was just curious how others felt. My bf and I have had plenty of discussions about engagement and I know its going to happen, though not when. I''ve just realised that since I found PS - also found during ring searches - I seem to think about the engagement, the ring, and the timing of it a lot more!

My bf is my best friend and I tell him everything! Unfortunately that means I seem to be talking about rings a lot (and changing my mind about which ring I like a lot!)

I think he thinks I''m taking the whole surprise aspect out of things by talking about it so much and I think I talk about it so much because I''m constantly on this site (work is a bit boring at the minute so it helps fill the time). I was going to try and only visit PS twice a week and focus on other things a bit more to see how that works, because the last thing I want to do is make him feel pressured or to make him feel like I''ve taken the "magic" of the proposal away.

Thanks for the answers ladies!

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/9/2009 9:22:22 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Honestly, I don''t think these boards can influence a person to be any more irrational than they were before they joined.

I am a ''LIW'', but I am not a desperate LIW. I do not bug my boyfriend about it, it is not all that is on my mind, it is not something I ''constantly focus'' on. Yes, I want to get engaged, as it is the first step towards getting married, but I am not foaming at the mouth over it!

However, it probably helps that I have a great BF who is a man of his word, and is also very excited to get engaged/married.

I do feel out of place here on the LIW boards a lot, because I can''t relate to the other girls feelings, but I try my best to sympathize and offer advice when I can. What pains me the worst are the girls here who are obviously with the wrong guy, but want a proposal so bad that they can''t even see who they''re really with.

I hope this post doesn''t make me sound like a complete b****. Just being honest!

I should add that I found these boards while Googling cushion diamonds/rings to show my BF, not anything proposal-related.

I completely disagree with this comment. There are MANY LIW''s (past and I''m sure a few present, though that is just a generalization) that completely change, due to the fact of going from not thinking about getting engaged to talking about it every free moment you have.

 

[monkeyprincess]

I just recently starting posting, and I too came upon this site while looking for pictures of rings (trying to guess what the ring my boyfriend picked out for me will look like). I see it is as a fun distraction because I know it is only a matter of time before he proposes. I''m definitely not desperate to get engaged - just very excited to take the next step with my boyfriend. I agree that if you are not on the verge of being engaged or in a relationship with a guy who is also excited to get engaged, this forum could be frustrating.

 

[titian23]

Hey Meresal

I hear and respect what everyone else is saying but I have to say I''m glad at least one other person can see where I''m coming from!

 

[lilyfoot]

meresal, I understand what you and the OP are saying. But I am of the belief that other people can not influence or control your emotions. If someone is acting irrational about something, the responsibilty lies solely on that persons shoulders.

It''s similar to when people say "You''re making me angry". Nobody can actually make you angry, you are allowing their actions to bother you to the point where you are feeling angry, KWIM? You are the only person who can control your own emotions.

It''s a choice to be upset, it''s a choice to frequently think about, or obsess over, proposals and rings, it''s a choice to bug your BF about the how/when/where, etc. You can just as easily make a choice to not be upset, to think about something else, and not bug your BF about the details.

I swear I''m not trying to be argumentative, just clarifying my POV!

Does any of this make sense? I''m not sure if my explanation is very clear

 

[AllieGator]

I think it depends on the person. I don''t really think about being engaged all the time, but I also know that it will be quite a while til I am. I found this website while helping my brother find an engagement ring, and now that I have a serious boyfriend where we know we want to always be together, I like being able to see how other ladies in my situation are feeling (and of course, the beautiful bling.)

I think for someone whose engagement may be more imminent, or might be having doubts or problems in their relationship, this could affect them. If one is constantly seeing other people get engaged, and looking at pretty rings, and talking about relationships all the time, I think it really could make someone feel worse about their situation.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/9/2009 10:14:45 AM
Author: titian23
Hey Meresal
I hear and respect what everyone else is saying but I have to say I''m glad at least one other person can see where I''m coming from!

All LIW''s are happy when you have a "timeline/end date"... but it''s after one or two pass that you start to see the "true" feelings come out. That is when I think the presence of PS on a daily basis can get to you.

The delay doesn''t even have to be because the guy doesn''t want to be engaged, though some are, it could be financial or something else, but it''s like once that "cutt off" date that he gave you passes, it really changes how alot of women view their situation.

 

[titian23]

It makes sense!

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/9/2009 10:21:14 AM
Author: lilyfoot
meresal, I understand what you and the OP are saying. But I am of the belief that other people can not influence or control your emotions. If someone is acting irrational about something, the responsibilty lies solely on that persons shoulders.

It's similar to when people say 'You're making me angry'. Nobody can actually make you angry, you are allowing their actions to bother you to the point where you are feeling angry, KWIM? You are the only person who can control your own emotions.

It's a choice to be upset, it's a choice to frequently think about, or obsess over, proposals and rings, it's a choice to bug your BF about the how/when/where, etc. You can just as easily make a choice to not be upset, to think about something else, and not bug your BF about the details.

I swear I'm not trying to be argumentative, just clarifying my POV!

Does any of this make sense? I'm not sure if my explanation is very clear

In theory... I copmpletely agree with you, and understand what you are saying.

However, I am of the belief that your surroundings can most definitely effect your emotions and reactions. Though you cannot blame PS for the changing emotions and mental rational behavior, and I never would, you can trace it to the PS atmosphere that LIW's choose to surround themselves with. Like you said though, it is how you deal with the situations around you, that determines how it effects you personally.

What I see is like this...as a LIW, you post about the excitment, and then you post about the dissapointments, and then you find yourself posting about everything that happens, which leads you onto this "emotional rollercoaster". You have since trained yourself that EVERYTHING is important and that everything that happens has a reason, when in fact it does not.

Just because your BF didn't want to talk about the ring one night out of 7, doesn't mean he no longer loves you. Lots of women loose the rational sense, that not everything is a big deal when you are waiting for the "ring".

Does that clear up my opinion on the subject a little better?

 

[RoxEHeart]

Date: 12/9/2009 10:21:14 AM
Author: lilyfoot
meresal, I understand what you and the OP are saying. But I am of the belief that other people can not influence or control your emotions. If someone is acting irrational about something, the responsibilty lies solely on that persons shoulders.

It''s similar to when people say ''You''re making me angry''. Nobody can actually make you angry, you are allowing their actions to bother you to the point where you are feeling angry, KWIM? You are the only person who can control your own emotions.

It''s a choice to be upset, it''s a choice to frequently think about, or obsess over, proposals and rings, it''s a choice to bug your BF about the how/when/where, etc. You can just as easily make a choice to not be upset, to think about something else, and not bug your BF about the details.

I swear I''m not trying to be argumentative, just clarifying my POV!

Does any of this make sense? I''m not sure if my explanation is very clear

I agree with the OP, that''s why I try to not get too involved here. I don''t agree with the highlighted statement at all. People are easily influenced both others emotions, actions, etc. There is even some kind of theory pertaining to this...I can''t remember the name of it, but it came about when that teenaged girl in CA got gang raped and everyone just sat there not doing anything. I think some people are more susceptible to being influenced by others, and I am unfortunately one of those people! It''s not something I am proud of, but I will admit it.

The only time I get upset or "impatient" is whenever something happens (close friend gets engaged, married, pregnant, etc). I only get this way because I am SO ready for all of that stuff with my SO that I get impatient. It also doesn''t help that I am a fairly jealous person...also not proud of that, but I will admit it!

I don''t think it''s a choice when it comes to emotions. Emotions are something that I find are very hard to control. However, it is a choice to express those emotions or not (bugging SO about ring, etc).

 

[Liane]

I agree with Meresal. Surroundings matter. That's why people are well-advised to cut off toxic friendships and drug addicts in rehab are told to stay out of their old neighborhoods. Who you're with, what they do and say and think, can definitely shape who you are and what you do/say/think.

PS is a wonderful community and a great resource for all things jewelry- and wedding-related. But it can also be a toxic environment for people in a vulnerable mindset. We gather here to appreciate beautiful things and support one another... but if someone's in a position where seeing other people's beautiful things and happy relationships fosters envy or sadness instead of joy, then yes, PS can definitely be a negative environment for that person.

Just look at how prevalent DSS is on the board. In almost all social circles (apart from a few super-competitive wealth centers), a 20-something girl with a 1-carat ring would be considered fortunate and her ring quite substantial. On PS, though, the sense of what's "normal" gets distorted, and that same girl might find herself feeling dissatisfied with a ring that could easily be the biggest and most beautiful in her RL circle's. PS is its own social group with its own social norms, and those have an influence like any other social group's. I don't think there's any big controversy about that.

 

[princesss]

Date: 12/9/2009 10:21:14 AM
Author: lilyfoot
meresal, I understand what you and the OP are saying. But I am of the belief that other people can not influence or control your emotions. If someone is acting irrational about something, the responsibilty lies solely on that persons shoulders.

It''s similar to when people say ''You''re making me angry''. Nobody can actually make you angry, you are allowing their actions to bother you to the point where you are feeling angry, KWIM? You are the only person who can control your own emotions.

It''s a choice to be upset, it''s a choice to frequently think about, or obsess over, proposals and rings, it''s a choice to bug your BF about the how/when/where, etc. You can just as easily make a choice to not be upset, to think about something else, and not bug your BF about the details.

I swear I''m not trying to be argumentative, just clarifying my POV!

Does any of this make sense? I''m not sure if my explanation is very clear

Control: no. Influence: absolutely.

There can be a serious mob mentality here about engagements. Sometimes I feel like there''s a herd of angry women waving their empty left hands and storming Castle Bachelorhood. (I say this feeling very confident that someday I will be in that angry mob.)

For some women, it really helps. They know they''re not alone, and they can get the craziness out on here and be a rational, normal person outside of PS. For some women, it just rubs salt on the wound. Some people leave, some people just got to other sections of the forum. But constantly talking to other LIWs about being a LIW can make it an all-consuming thing that can lead even the most level-headed woman astray sometimes. When there is a string of engagements, some women on here start feeling like there''s something wrong with their relationship because he didn''t propose. When there is a string of breakups, some people start second guessing some things about their relationship. What happens to others and what other people do can and does influence how people feel, and those feelings influence how they act. The responsibility for those actions does rest on the shoulders of only that person, but to discount that others can influence the feelings and behaviours of other people is ignoring a big chunk of human nature.

 

[lilyfoot]

meresal, I think we''re somehow saying the same thing, lol.

I guess I just don''t like or understand when people try to solely blame PS for whatever issue they''re having. I don''t disagree that one should take a break from PS, or any other thing they feel is contributing to behavior they don''t like. I just like to see people take responsibility for their own actions, KWIM? That goes for all situations in life, not just this one.

I also agree that how a person will react to these boards depends on where they are in their relationship.

Like I said in my first reply, I know I''m lucky to have the type of BF that I do. I can''t speculate how I would feel or act if I had to deal with some of the stuff I''ve read here (wishy-washy attitude, broken deadlines, etc).

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 12/9/2009 11:09:44 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 12/9/2009 10:21:14 AM
Author: lilyfoot
meresal, I understand what you and the OP are saying. But I am of the belief that other people can not influence or control your emotions. If someone is acting irrational about something, the responsibilty lies solely on that persons shoulders.

It''s similar to when people say ''You''re making me angry''. Nobody can actually make you angry, you are allowing their actions to bother you to the point where you are feeling angry, KWIM? You are the only person who can control your own emotions.

It''s a choice to be upset, it''s a choice to frequently think about, or obsess over, proposals and rings, it''s a choice to bug your BF about the how/when/where, etc. You can just as easily make a choice to not be upset, to think about something else, and not bug your BF about the details.

I swear I''m not trying to be argumentative, just clarifying my POV!

Does any of this make sense? I''m not sure if my explanation is very clear

Control: no. Influence: absolutely.

There can be a serious mob mentality here about engagements. Sometimes I feel like there''s a herd of angry women waving their empty left hands and storming Castle Bachelorhood. (I say this feeling very confident that someday I will be in that angry mob.)

For some women, it really helps. They know they''re not alone, and they can get the craziness out on here and be a rational, normal person outside of PS. For some women, it just rubs salt on the wound. Some people leave, some people just got to other sections of the forum. But constantly talking to other LIWs about being a LIW can make it an all-consuming thing that can lead even the most level-headed woman astray sometimes. When there is a string of engagements, some women on here start feeling like there''s something wrong with their relationship because he didn''t propose. When there is a string of breakups, some people start second guessing some things about their relationship. What happens to others and what other people do can and does influence how people feel, and those feelings influence how they act. The responsibility for those actions does rest on the shoulders of only that person, but to discount that others can influence the feelings and behaviours of other people is ignoring a big chunk of human nature.

HAHAHAHA.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

For some ladies the support of this board gives them the courage to stand up for what they want. IMHO that is never a bad thing. Ever.

I''ve seen a few PSers go through break-ups because their SO''s were not ready for marriage and quite a few of them have gone on to find partners who are on the same page resulting in a much healthier, happier relationtionship. It is up to the posters to control their emotions - I don''t feel like a message board can cause someone to be any more obsessed than they would be otherwise.

 

[lilyfoot]

princesss, others can only influence you as much as you let them! At least, that is my opinion.

For example, if you learn someone here on LIW got engaged, and you feel resentful, it is not that persons fault for getting engaged. It is your own life, your own situation with your BF that leaves you feeling resentful. And you are the only person responsible for the state your life is in.

I am a daily PS user, and I spend a lot of time here on the LIW boards. Speaking solely for myself, I do not feel influenced by these boards at all. My attitude towards engagement is the same as before I found these boards.

The only influence PS has on me has all to do with the bling

 

[princesss]

Date: 12/9/2009 11:30:55 AM
Author: lilyfoot
princesss, others can only influence you as much as you let them! At least, that is my opinion.

For example, if you learn someone here on LIW got engaged, and you feel resentful, it is not that persons fault for getting engaged. It is your own life, your own situation with your BF that leaves you feeling resentful. And you are the only person responsible for the state your life is in.

I am a daily PS user, and I spend a lot of time here on the LIW boards. Speaking solely for myself, I do not feel influenced by these boards at all. My attitude towards engagement is the same as before I found these boards.

The only influence PS has on me has all to do with the bling

I think you''re giving people way too much credit for being able to control their emotions. I don''t think it actually happens that way for many people. A lot of people just react sometimes, and don''t stop to think why until later. They''re the ones responsible, but not everybody takes a step back to think about their life like that, especially when they''re getting caught up in the heat of the moment. Not saying that''s right or the best way to handle things, just that it''s what I''ve seen happen more often than not.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/9/2009 11:38:08 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 12/9/2009 11:30:55 AM
Author: lilyfoot
princesss, others can only influence you as much as you let them! At least, that is my opinion.

For example, if you learn someone here on LIW got engaged, and you feel resentful, it is not that persons fault for getting engaged. It is your own life, your own situation with your BF that leaves you feeling resentful. And you are the only person responsible for the state your life is in.

I am a daily PS user, and I spend a lot of time here on the LIW boards. Speaking solely for myself, I do not feel influenced by these boards at all. My attitude towards engagement is the same as before I found these boards.

The only influence PS has on me has all to do with the bling

I think you''re giving people way too much credit for being able to control their emotions. I don''t think it actually happens that way for many people. A lot of people just react sometimes, and don''t stop to think why until later. They''re the ones responsible, but not everybody takes a step back to think about their life like that, especially when they''re getting caught up in the heat of the moment. Not saying that''s right or the best way to handle things, just that it''s what I''ve seen happen more often than not.

I completely agree with you!

 

[Callisto]

Hmm well I don''t think it has made me irrational about NEEDING to get engaged. While I''m not a patient person by nature, I know that I am still very young to get married and am not in a hurry. I think the only way PS has influenced my relationship negatively is I now want to be a bigger part of choosing my ring as I now have a much clearer idea of what I want.

Now I see this as a positive, that I am making an informed consumer decision now, having educated myself on diamonds. SO, however, thinks that I have made this whole situation too business-y and less romantic by wanting to be so involved. He''s very traditional so hes not thrilled about my involvement but honestly in the long run I think it will be good and I''ll end up with a ring that will make me incredibly happy for the rest of my life.

 

[Squirrly]

Date: 12/9/2009 11:30:55 AM
Author: lilyfoot
princesss, others can only influence you as much as you let them! At least, that is my opinion.

For example, if you learn someone here on LIW got engaged, and you feel resentful, it is not that persons fault for getting engaged. It is your own life, your own situation with your BF that leaves you feeling resentful. And you are the only person responsible for the state your life is in.

I am a daily PS user, and I spend a lot of time here on the LIW boards. Speaking solely for myself, I do not feel influenced by these boards at all. My attitude towards engagement is the same as before I found these boards.

The only influence PS has on me has all to do with the bling

i believe that as each person who comes here is different, each situation is different

i too can only speak for myself that it did not bother me, but i do know that for some of my friends, frequenting a forum about engagement would drive them batty (well battier) since they''d be thinking about it more than if they proceeded normally with their daily lives since the topic wouldn''t be as prevelant.

i believe the advice so often given for relationships would work just as well in regards to this forum and other areas in life: if it''s not helping you and making you miserable, then don''t do it. life''s too short.

 

[titian23]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all of their thoughts and points of view! I wanted to have a constructive conversation about this and I''m glad its been that way.

I agree with everyone here - I am responsible for my own feelings but I also find myself influenced by what I see here. Bringing it up and reading what everyone else thinks has really helped put things in perspective.

 

[LilyKat]

I think it depends to a large extent on your nature and your relationship.

If you are in a happy, secure relationship, know you are both on the same page regarding the future and marriage, I think it's exciting and fun to be part of a community where others are in the same state of anticipation. Seeing others getting engaged is wonderful, because you know your own story is just around the corner. That's why I enjoy being here. If that's not the case, I can see this board being a source of bitterness and frustration, and would probably stay away.

 

[luckynumber]

i hear ya titian23

some things have changed since i''ve joined:

i know a lot more about diamonds

i''ve discovered the joys of coloured gemstones

i''ve discovered cushions (and not the fluffy kind)


things that haven''t changed:

no pressure on BF

no rush to get married




i think if i got engagement fever, it would be because i''m caught up in the hoopla and not because i wanted to get engaged faster and i WOULD STOP coming here.
so i hope it doesnt coz i like it here!

 

[HopeDream]

Sometimes I feel like there's a herd of angry women waving their empty left hands and storming Castle Bachelorhood. (I say this feeling very confident that someday I will be in that angry mob.)"

Princesss: this made me laugh so much ! (and I agree, I've been known to mention to BF when the heard seems restless)

I think if you're a woman who tends to obsess over things, belonging to PS with an engagement that isn't happening very soon, will only add fule to the fire. PS can contribute to becoming a big boiling volcano of crazy (though hard to say if this hypothetical woman wouldn't be just as crazy away from PS - conrolled trials anyone?).

Sometimes I wonder if engagement desparation stems from an unspoken uncertainty of the success of the relationship - as if engagement is the bandaid that will make it all work out and the sooner the better. It's like adding reinforcement to an unsteady wall (but do you want to build a house on top of unsteady walls?).

I think too, that if PS is an exciting escape from a mundane life then it's probably much easier to become drawn in and enmeshed in PS culture - perhaps leading to unrealistic expectations.

If youre a little more "take it as it comes" and especially if you don't realy know anyone in your social circle at home that's going through the same feelings, I think Ps can be quite supportive and lovely. Waiting for such an important event comes with a lot of uncertaintly and the rules of who is involved and how much are changing, so seeing what everyone else is doing, and having a sounding board to bounce ideas off of is definitely helpful.

Cool topic!

 

[jewelz617]

Honestly, if a woman is letting a forum wreck her life, relationship and sanity it''s time to get a hobby. Guys do NOT like desperate. An engagement should be a grown up decision about choosing to spend your lives together. It''s not about competition or being the main character in Pretty Pretty Princess Land.