Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Some kind of hiatus

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Hey Sparkles,

I''ll preface this with the fact, as I''m sure you know, that I''ve been wary of this relationship & him from the start. For the reasons I''ve laid out ad nauseum in other threads & won''t rehash now.

But after hearing about the latest breakup by email &, as usual, attempt to patch things up .... I wanted to share this thought: sometimes when people want to break up, they pick the "non-negotiable deal-breaking" issue & make the other person do the dirty work. EG -- "wait, I feel differently about religion now" ... so YOU''LL say "I can''t live with that." He KNOWS you''ll say it - and its his guilt-free escape valve.

I really think you should forget this guy, take time to heal & then date someone local. Someone who won''t be so push/pull & drama-filled. Relationships take work, but not like this. It just REALLY REALLY isn''t supposed to be like this. Ya might not believe that until you''ve experienced something better. But I hope you''ll keep the faith that something better DOES exist & that you don''t settle for less.

Best,
Deco
 
mmmm kinda gotta agree with miss darling decoishness...relationships do take work but it shouldn''t be this hard and ESPECIALLY so soon into a relationship, where''s the fun part?!...and honestly the older you get, the less exciting or appealing drama is in a relationship, you start to crave steady, sure love and acceptance as you mature. anyway, i would really use this time to dig deep inside yourself, find out what you think you are worth (alot i hope) and what this relationship is or is not giving you, and i also agree that talking to your aunt who only says negative things about him isn''t really HELPING as you shouldn''t be subjected to a gusher or a hater to make you feel stronger...but rather something more deep and really reflective. good luck gal!
 
I''m with Mara and Deco on this.... Where''s the fun? I''ve been wondering that. The first couple of years of my relationship was pure fun... trips, dates, parties, etc... we didn''t really get into the whole anxiety stuff very often. Now, at 3.5 years, we''re still having a lot of fun, but we have more need to deal with "what does the future hold?", "is the cat sick?", "where will we live in 10 years", etc.... I think you''re missing out on all the fun but catapaulting towards the future too fast.

And I''m wondering if he isn''t thinking about the timeline you gave him on moving closer to you... maybe that''s why he''s suddenly having issues with your religion?
 
Sparkles~
This isn''t the first time something like this has happened? Aww sweetie I''m sorry...but Deco does have a point. Especially if similar situations have happened with you two in the past. I''ve seen it happen where one party wants out so he/she suddenly brings up a touchy subject so the other does the dirty work and breaks it off. I hope that isn''t happening here, but if this is a repeated situation where K says he needs some space to figure things out, I hope you''re able to objectively look at the situation and do what''s best for you...not what''s best for him. I''ve seen in your threads that there is a 9 year age distance between you, and sometimes that works but sometimes it doesn''t. There''s a 6 year difference between M and I, so I can''t say that an age gap is always a detriment. However, distance can be especially if you two have never been in one place for an extended period of time. I think I read that K was planning to move to Minnesota this summer right? Maybe he''s scared for such a big step, or maybe he''s unsure of himself. Who knows. In any event, I''ll echo what almost everyone has said: take this time for YOU to figure out what you need and what is best. Good luck babe!
 
Deco''s got a point here - it reminds me of guys who don''t want to do the dirty work of breaking up so they treat you badly until you decide to do it for them. Would save so much time, hurt, and energy if they just were up front in the first place.

I hope you stick to your guns ILS and put yourself first here. You deserve much better than this and you''re the one who''s gonna have to enforce that. It seems he''s looking out for himself.

I dated someone who was push-pull awhile back, and I made a big personal revelation during that relationship. If I''m looking out for what''s best for him, and HE''s looking out for what''s best for him, WHO''S looking out for what''s best for me? The answer should NEVER be ''no-one.''
 
Hello Sparkles!

I''ve been pretty quiet about your relationship now, partly because it''s hard for me to say anything not knowing the both of you and also because for the most part if I WERE to make a judgment call, it wouldn''t be too different from the call that many of the gals here have been making for months.

I know there must be good, and that most of the time it''s easier to talk about the bad. But the fact of the matter is that the "bad" is definitely there in your relationship, and is unnerving enough to really think carefully about.

I am a long distance queen, so I understand a lot of what you are going through. The first long distance relationship I had was CA to NJ when I was 23 years old (I believe the same age as you.) While there is no doubt that I felt I knew him well from hours of phone calls, emails and regular visits, the bottom line is that I was living in a fantasy. Days spent without him were spent daydreaming of our future together. It''s like planning on building that dreamhouse...you think you have the plans, blueprints, whatever...you''ve "talked about it"...but at the end of the day, we didn''t have the solid tools to build it.

6 years wasted. You have the choice to "waste" only 9 months. And even then, it wouldn''t be a waste if you could look back and smile that you''ve learned something.

But wait, there''s more! TravelingGal''s an idiot!!!!

As if NJ/CA wasn''t far enough, I get into a long distance relationship trans-pacific Australia/California! Foolish girl! Someone slap her until her head''s spins 180 degrees! I SWORE I''d never do long distance again, only to outdo myself. I even told my current FI, no way...I won''t talk to you again once we leave Europe. That changed.

This time I got lucky. I was older, wiser....

Yeah right. Pah.
38.gif


2 years of long distance, and then he was here, living with me. And you know what? Even though I *thought* I knew better, it was still a fantasy. The only reason we are sitting here engaged is because we BOTH work so hard at it and because at the end of the day, the building blocks ARE there. He is committed, has a solid job here, loves his work...we are two healthy individuals working at becoming a healthy unit.

Do I think you and your man have a chance to make it? I''m not sure. But what I can see is at this stage in the game, so many of the building blocks are not THERE. My FI made time and saved his pennies to visit a few times, and myself the same (not cheap to fly between our countries, BTW). Your man can''t afford to or chooses not to. He lives paycheck to paycheck. We don''t quite know how honest he''s been in the relationship. He has baggage.

Girl, if you have parts to build that dream house, then I am telling you now they are defective and that house most likely will come out crooked!

Please take the time to read over these responses and digest. I have gotten the impression that you area truly a sweet and lovely person. My mother once gave me a visual that I''ve never been able to forget: Put a pen on your lap. Look at the pen. You can only see it from limited angles. People around you see the pen from a wider view, and see a lot more of you in relation to that pen.

Listen to them.
 

Wow... TravelinGal... that was an incredibly insightful post. I almost don''t want to add anything else, out of fear of lessening your impact!


I''ve never done the long-distance thing, but I''ve DEFINITELY done the "fall in love with a lost soul because he has such a good heart" thing. There is something vaguely gratifying about being in that kind of relationship, because you feel special for being the one person who can really "reach" him. I did that for years, with multiple guys, and only when I met my current fiance did I realize how different it feels to be in a relationship where he is a healthy, whole individual, and for once I don''t have to worry about taking care of him AND me. No guessing games, no ups and downs... just strength and security and a complete, utter sense of contentment.

ILS, I honestly think you deserve to be with a healthy, strong person who can nurture you and support you in ways that K can''t at this point in his life. The internet can be great for connecting with people (like this forum!), but NOT ideal for nurturing a fledgling relationship. Too much room for imagination to take over, in between the lines of an email and visits that are months apart. You need regular movie-nights and hand-holding and eye contact when you''re talking about important issues... you deserve the real thing!
 
i have to agree with some of the girls above. Firstly I would find out why your aunt isn''t keen on him as sometimes others see what we don''t in a relationship. Secondly, I agree, where''s the fun? Ive been with D seven years in a couple of weeks and we still go out and have fun all the time. I understand that you are in a long distance relationship, so it is more difficult, but that should mean that the times you do meet up should be all the better. I think that it''s terrible that he told you by email and I applaud you for sticking to your guns when he rang. I do think that it was kind of a lousy excuse that it was about religion that he decided to go on a break as surely sitting down and the two of you talking about it would have been better than what he did. I would really take this as an early warning sign-I know that it would break your heart if you were to split now, but it is better now than in a couple of years time if an engagement, marriage or kids came along and then he were to say it
 
Wow. I just reread my whole thread and am once again just taken aback with all the posts. Thank you ladies. There has been some incredibly helpful posts and wonderful insight. Especially Blueroses, Mara, TravelingGal, and Ephemery and everyone else you have been vital in some of the thinking I have been doing. I have always been the type to want answers here and now. I hate this waiting crap. These past few DAYS have seemed like a month. I literally change my position on everything each day. Sunday right before he called I was beginning to think it was just over. Mon all I wanted was my K back. Yesterday I was beyond heartbroken and totally utterly lost with the meaning of everything. Today I am feeling like perhaps we really love each other, but there are just too many things and it wasn''t meant to be but that we will remain best friends (a claim he has made if things don''t end how we had once thought). So I have been having stupid thoughts today about dating new guys and what that might be like. This fun, moving dates you girls are talking about (doesn''t happen so much when you live so far apart
20.gif
)

I want to clarify the point about my aunt. She isn;t just poopooing him because she doesn''t like him. SHe has given a lot of thought to our relationship and what she knows of him and has made some incredible insights. She really got me thinking about ME, what I want and deserve etc and was just very motivational. I had mentioned calling her for a "punch" to get me out of my funk on Mon. of just wanting to run back to him. Distance, age, intellectual diference (associates vs. soon to be master''s), his financial troubles, among other things just did not sit well with her. I also spent a brief time talking to the woman I have nannied for for 7 years yesterday and she also provided some tremendous insight and comfort. She is really like an ideal role model for me and had some good pieces for me to think about and is what got me on my current thoughts of "yes we really love each other but there are too many things in the way".

I also wanted to address an idea that was brought up. THat perhaps he chose this as a sort of cowards way out, even if it was unknowingly. And while this is/was very plausible, recent events seem to argue against this. He emailed me today saying that he has made an appointment with a pastor in his area. AGain, I was a bit shocked. He has been very religiously absent in the past decade or more of his life so this just seemed strange to me. I am Jewish, he was raised Baptist (in TX). I think he may have gotten the idea because I made a meeting with my rabbi who I am very close to. As FIsher mentioned, my religion is part of my core. I will not back down on this point and he is well aware of this. So it sounds like he really is trying to wrestle with the issue and decide if he is willing to live in a Jewish house with a Jewish family. It still may be the case and he just isn;t consciously aware of why religion "all of a sudden" came up as so hugely problematic.

I am not sure where I am going but wanted to write and fill in some more of those missing details. I feel totally stuck right now until Friday and my meeting happens. Its driving me nuts because of how I am with wanting the decision, everything figured out now. I want to move on if that is the case or begin mending and discussing things again. I do have to say however that today has been tremendously easier than any other since Fri. night. I hope that is an ever improving trend and that Friday comes and I can begin to feel more at peace with my decisions whatever those may be.

My mother has been a blessing and decided to get me a new dog. It occasionally takes my mind away from the situation. And it isn;t totally out of the blue. As some of you may know we put ours down in Nov. (My avatar used to be of him) And I could have gotten a new companion the very next day but it has taken her mroe time. She has decided this made it time. I love it and am very excited but I also feel that its trying to cover up and replace the pain with this relationship so I can forget about it all. Perhaps it is and a good things but I am worried it isnt. I think now I am rambling and typing past midnight and I need to go to bed so I can function tomorrow. I go to look at dogs in the evening. Grar. So any new thoughts for me are appreciated. But I also realize many of you may be worn out by my drama. Oh wait this reminds me of another string of thoughts that I was really tortured by yesterday. The whole piece about I deserve to be with a happy whole man etc. WHile this is true, I often feel like I am not that healthy whole woman either. So don''t the two of us belong together? Won;t that wonderful guy that comes along just realize that about me? ANd then I get into the whole no one else will ever love me how could I ever find another man to be my dreams and bla bla bla. BUt I seem to be unable to express this seeing as how I am not in that mood right now. Maybe in abother day or two Ill be back there
20.gif
Ok seriously though I am shutting up for the evening. You ladies, ALL OF YOU, are a true blessing!
 
Big hugs Sparkles!!!

I''m sorry you''re going through a rough time. I haven''t been posting on PS much lately and really have not much to add...I think most girls have said what I would have said.

I also have never had a good "feeling" about your realtionship....and I''m sorry to even say that because none of us know you in person and I think you hear us say that a lot!. I don''t know what it is, but I believe you (we all do) deserve to be with someone that makes us a better person...someone that inspires you to be happier, be healthier, try harder...just be a better person. I just don''t get that from him. My cousin is getting a divorce from this guy that "everyone" knew was wrong from the beginning...and we weren''t trying to be judgemental, but we just thought he was, in a way, holding her down to be the best she could be.

Whatever happens, it''s great to hera you have family and friends that are helping you through this....and now a puppy!!!!! nothing like a puppy (and puppy breath!).
9.gif


Be strong and try to look at this from the outside and do the best for *you*

Hugs,

M~
 
I''m glad you''re getting a dog! Two of my (3) cats were post-breakup adoptees. The third one was sort of a joint-effort between my BF and me... we found him as a stray. Bringing an animal into your life will help you with 1) your free time, 2) give you something to lavish love upon and 3) provide you with unconditional love. These are all very important in times of crisis! I hope you find just the right dog for you!

Secondly.... at the end of your post, you sort of threw in that you don''t feel like a healthy, happy whole woman so why should you deserve that? WHOAH there sister... this is a MAJOR issue and YOU need to deal with it sooner rather than later. Why don''t you feel like a whole woman? Why aren''t you happy? Why don''t you deserve someone that is whole and healthy and happy? If you don''t feel like you deserve it, you''ll never have it... you''ll always be settling for less. I see this as a crucial issue and you do really need to tackle it before you find the man you want to spend your life with. Therapy is a good way to do that, as is just living the life you want. You''ve been a student for a long time, living at home for expenses... I understand all that, but I also know that I didn''t really become who I was until I had some time on my own out in the real world. I had some bad relationships. I went through that whole "I don''t deserve..." crap. And eventually I realized that I DID deserve better... that I was a wonderful person and deserved no less than that in a mate. And once I started thinking that way, realizing that I would settle for nothing less than a complete, whole, healthy, happy person... I found him.

You get back what you put out there... and if you''re putting out there "I don''t deserve to be happy... I don''t deserve to be with someone good..." that''s what you''ll get. Someone that fits your low expectations.

I think you deserve better and I hope you can find that out about yourself. It may take time, it may take some counseling sessions, it may take more emotional bruising, but I really hope you discover that. I think that''s what the mid-20s is all about... finding your worth as a person. FIND IT.

wishing you all the best!

Sum
 
Hey Sparkles,
Glad you''re feeling a little better! And THRILLED to hear about the DOG!! My best friend went through a breakup of a five year relationship last October & still isn''t really "over it" ... but her baby girl Chihuahua has really kept her going through some tough dark times. Like Sumbride, I''ve also done the post-breakup kittens! They help too! Little furry examples of what unconditional love can be - when given & received!

I can''t let this go w/o comment ....
Date: 6/22/2006 1:23:40 AM
Author: ilovesparkles
This reminds me of another string of thoughts that I was really tortured by yesterday. The whole piece about I deserve to be with a happy whole man etc. WHile this is true, I often feel like I am not that healthy whole woman either. So don''t the two of us belong together? Won''t that wonderful guy that comes along just realize that about me?
Click to expand...

I think you''re confusing "broken" with "not perfect". But if you''re really not feeling like a "healthy whole woman" ... investigate on-campus resources to talk to someone. The way to "fix" that isn''t by finding an equally "broken" man to make a matched/flawed set. The best thing to do (IMO & experience) is to get a qualified, objective opinion on these "flaws". Figure out how realistic you''re being in judging yourself & others. And, quite, possibly - to accept yourself & love yourself as is. Even if there''s still stuff you want to work on. Your "dream guy" isn''t going to be perfect either (but maybe not "broken".) BELIEVE ME in any relationship there are things to negotiate and parts that drive you crazy and wounds and challenges ... just not so many, and not so one-sided, and not without all the FUN STUFF that helps hold people together BESIDES LOVE. People only accept "less than" when they feel deep down like they DESERVE less than. We''ve been tiptoeing around that issue, but now you''ve brought it up yourself. Good for you. Get it out there. Get that new pup. And get thinking about how to feel more whole on your own.
36.gif
 
ILS... just an FYI that everyone is flawed, has issues, broken in some way. It does not mean you only deserve to be with someone else who is ''as flawed'' or whatever as you are. Sure you have issues, you may even have some things to work on that could make you a happier, more whole person without a man.

You may feel like this is as good as it can get, I can emphatically tell you IT IS NOT. Not to bring up the age thing again but girl you still have a lot to learn, a lot of life experiences to get under your belt before you can say ''this is as good as it gets''. Falling in love is amazing of course, but the relationships I had when I was your age vs the one I have now...are light years in difference. Does it mean that young love can''t last? No of course not. But I think you already know that this love is not the right love but yet you feel like it''s worth settling. First off no one should settle, but ESPECIALLY no one at your age! You have so much promise, so much love to give out, don''t waste it or throw it away.

But anyway everyone has their own issues. I always used to tell Greg that when you break up with someone and move on...it''s not like the other new person you find is BETTER necessarily, it''s kind of like ''different shit, different person'', but you may find that your issues mesh better with their issues and somehow they work. As opposed to have issues or personalities that clash with each other. It is kind of funny to describe it that way but that is kind of how I view it. Everyone has their own issues, but how do they work with your issues?

Lastly, the way I feel about it is that while yes we may all have our own issues....for me the good relationship is one where it FITS and where spending time with that person makes you a better person or educates you or encriches your life in a certain way. I don''t mean great sex...
5.gif
..but rather, new life experiences, or trying things you would not. Being someone you wanted to be. The right mate allows that kind of freedom, to be someone new but to also be yourself. Hang in there gal. You''ll find it!!!
 
I agree that seeing an on-campus counsellor (which is a great resource) to help you sort out this perception/worry that you are too flawed yourself to deserve someone who isn''t flawed. Having that barometer is such a necessary thing, especially if you are the sort of person who is hard on yourself and has high expections that you wouldn''t necessarily judge others by. I don''t know you well enough to suggest whether you might be that sort of person or not, but I''ve noticed that''s pretty common in young educated women, so I thought I''d ask if you are one of those people?

I know I am. I''m better at it now, but I''ve struggled with not being smarter, thinner, nicer, more virtuous, more motivated, more accomplished, you name it. (By virtuous I mean more patient, more gentle, more selfless, etc). There is a fair ways between having flaws (aka being human) and not being healthy and whole. A counsellor should be able to give you some insight on that, I think.

There is nothing quite like the unconditional love of a dog. If you were planning on getting one anyway, I''d say go for it. It will definitely help to occupy your attention in a healthy way.
 
Sparkles, sweetie, please don''t suggest that you don''t deserve better. Of course you do! If you are overly hard on yourself (I used to be and still can be at times, and I think we''re the same age...I''ll be 24 in July) you really need to work through that. You can''t truly love someone else until you love yourself. Also, I think your aunt has a point...intellectual/educational differences can really harm a relationship. If your SO can''t stimulate your mind, what will you guys do when you''re 80? Just a thought, but please love yourself first. That''s the most important thing. We all love you, so why shouldn''t you!
Keep your chin up and enjoy that new baby! Baby kisses!
~Megan =)
 
I actually thought you had a new puppy when I saw that picture of the little one in the cup on your new icon. Cute! What sort of puppy are you hoping to get? Oh girl, my puppy got me through a ROUGH time when I finally saw that any marriage with my previous fiance would be a disaster. Dogs love like nothing else. I adore coming home to wagging tails, kisses, and happy jumps. Melts your heart!

As for this stuff about what you deserve: Girl, EVERY single human on this planet deserves true love, compassion, passion, tenderness, silliness, honesty, respect. You deserve to be able to visit a man you love and to have him share the same joy in just being with you, no matter what activity or other life stressor is going on at that moment. That's the joy of love. You deserve everything. Don't sell yourself short. I don't know this man, or anything like that, but I do know that you've expressed a lot of disappointment and I think I remember reading back on a story about you visiting him and he was a big jerk. Not that men *and women* can't be jerks from time to time, but really! You made a sacrifice to see him, and he reacted in that way? Not a sweet, compassionate, loving, marriage-minded thing to do. Funny I say all this while I myself was a jerk last night. But that's the other side of love: it's always forgiving. You have that wonderful forgiving, sweet spirit about you. You want to believe everything he says. DON'T lose that! Your man, the one you eventually settle with, will see that as such a blessing and joy.

I'm praying for you and hoping that you see your worth. Seriously, look into some books. I've read so many that just totally lift you up, point out that just because you want to make other people happy, you don't have to set aside your own happiness. That's an IMPORTANT thing to remember. It takes time to learn, but it'll change your life when it really *clicks.*

Oooh, are you looking at puppies today? I LOVE going to the animal shelter. I fall in love, absolute love, with at least ten each time I go!

Have fun!!
 
Hi Sparkles!
35.gif


I was wondering how you''re doing? did you get the puppy yet? pictures, pictures!!!!

M~
 
Well ladies it has been a very long weekend, but not long enough! I did get a dog from the Humane SOciety yesterday and have spent most of the weelend with him. He is ~5 yrs old, male shih tzu named Duncan. He was a stray so they didn''t know w whole lot about him. He had to be neutered so he is still a little maniac with all those hormones running through him. He decided the answer to getting me off the phone was to hump my arm and chew on my shoulder
20.gif
But already today he has started to calm down some. I am sure moving from a cement and metal kennel to a home with a bug yard was wuite exhilarating too. He follows me from room to room and cried when I locked him in the bathroom last night (not sure if he is house broken or not). He loves his chew toys and is quite the little devil when playing tug-o-war
27.gif


I talked to my rabbi on Friday and two really good friends at synagogue yesterday as well as Kenny. Basically we have come to agree that we do not want to close this chapter of our lives yet and we want to keep it open for us but there are two major things he has to work on before we can be together, his ability to communicate with me and the whole religious piece. I am doing my best to let him do all of this but being a "care taker" as so many of you have piccked up on is making it incredibly difficult! I made a rule for myself that I am allowed to initiate contact iwth him every-other time. I called him yesterday so I have to wait until he calls me before I can call him again. Of course I have already half cheated by emailing him a book list that might be helpful
17.gif
I have gotten over the initial shock and pain of it all but still have really tough times like right now. When all I want is to hear his voice. We both agreed that we could not proceed as things were before and that it really hurts not syaing I love you when we get off the phone but I think it is really the best thing. I am scared right now that I am going to set myself up for believing he will work on and "fix" these two things so that we can be together and I just don''t know how to not do that and focus on myself again. I have a feeling the evenings, especially at this time when I would beon the phone with him, and weekends are going to be difficult. I just don''t want to cry and hurt anymore. Oy I have taken a huge spiral down from my upbeet opening of this post. Well here are a few pics of my new little guy. He wasn''t be all that cooperative and he very badly needs to be groomed. Hopefully after Friday he will look more handsome and sit pretty for me too.

Duncan fire eyes.jpg
 
I tried taking him out in the front yard to take some cute pics. However he decided to run down the block to meet the neighborhood dogs. He proceeded to run through some fence slats, intimidate the resident dog and pee on her dog house
20.gif
Obediance school is definitely in the cards for Mr. Duncan!

Sniffing around.jpg
 
Last picture, of his cute little face. You can see how badly he needs a grooming. But the poor guy was stray and couldn''t get groomed yet because of his surgery. Oh and I might add the avatar of mine, was a pic in an email I got and I loved it so much and wanted a silly animal like jenstone and stermag have. But it is not mine. I should change it after I have a good groomed pic of my little guy.
 
The famous forgetting of the attachment
20.gif


Yes I need a hair cut.jpg
 
aw....sparkles your new dog Duncan is soooo cute! Sounds like he will keep you busy....
 
awww what a cutie he is...one of our dog neighbors has the cutest shih-tzu and he is the same color as duncan, his name is Pepper and he''s the sweetest.
 
Awwww, your dog is so cute! A dog can definitely make a difference (any pet really) in your lives. Our dog really helped us feel like a family (before our kids came along). She was very good for our relationship...it''s funny how pets do that for people. One thing is for sure...there''s never a dull moment...you''ll be busy LOL!
 
he is so cute!! In the evenings when you feel like ringing Kenny, take Duncan out for a walk instead to get your mind off it-i always walk my dog when I feel like doing something I shouldnt!! It gets your mind off it and its great for your legs
1.gif
 
sparkles,
How many more days of your precious life are you going to waste in this push me, pull you drama? he is not going to be your husband. He said so.

I have observed that you make yourself miserable more days than you make yourself happy.

[edited for better words: Your last post made my stomach hurt. You continue to prop up the dead corpse] -- What a waste of your spiritual and emotional energy.

Life is NOT supposed to be like this.

There, i said it. No kind words here, other than a swift kick in the pants. Stop acting like a victim. Counseling if necessary. You keep giving your power away - ask yourself why? (rhetorical - don't answer.)


kemma
 
Sparkles! Good to have you back! Duncan is adorable...new pets are always a WONDERFUL way to keep yourself busy and keep your mind occupied. You said something along the lines of you don''t want to set yourself up for a fall by believing Ken will fix things and everything will be dandy again. If you don''t want to set yourself up, don''t. Keep busy with that little boy, family, friends, talk to your rabbi, anything to occupy your time. You''re in grad school right? Focus on your studies, unless you''re taking the summer off...I know from experience school will take all of your stress away because you''ll be worried about getting your assignments done, exams, etc. =) Not the greatest/happiest diversion, but it''ll serve the purpose.

LadyKemma has a point here...I have to admit I haven''t been on PS as long as others to follow your entire relationship, but from what I understand you and Ken have been very long distance for the entire duration of your relationship. While I believe long distance relationships can work, the foundation needs to be concrete first. IMHO, it seems that you two haven''t had a chance to get that foundation down because of the distance. You''ve never spent an extended amount of time in a close proximity to get to know everything about one another and nurture your relationship so it has the strength it needs to survive a LD period. I''ve seen these things happen...even when the LD thing is working, once the couple got close to one another (geographically) things crumbled even more. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise (which seems to be the general consensus here.) Please take care of yourself first. Do things to make you happy; being a woman I think you may say at first "I won''t be happy until K loves me again" but trust me you can! I think you''re on the right track by speaking to your rabbi and getting that new doggy, but I want you to know that you don''t have to LET Ken do anything. He''s working on himself, so you need to work on you, especially now. Get yourself back to loving you for you, and all you have to offer, and then you''ll be open to love and be loved by someone (in Minnesota) who truly deserves you.
~Megan xoxo
 
Congrats on rescuing sweet Duncan! What a cutie. Can''t wait to see his "reset"/makeover!

Other than that, I pretty much agree with LadyKenna. Tough love might just be the answer here. You''re a nice girl but this is a rollercoaster I don''t have the stomach for anymore. Ask yourself -- have you really, really told your Rabbi the WHOLE truth (including how you met, what you discovered in your visits with him, how little time you actually spent with him in person, how immature & unsettled he his at his age) OR - did you frame it as "the mixed-up long distance, star-crossed lovers just trying to be together" WITHOUT any of the less-encouraging details WE''VE been privy too? I can''t imagine that if your friends or Rabbi know what WE know - that they''d be encouraging IN. ANY. WAY.
 
I''ve got to weigh in here too.

First - Adorable dog. Yay rescues!

Second - I posted in response to one of your earlier threads and I''m posting again here. I''ve been lurking and following your story the whole time.

I just don''t get it. You seem like an intelligent young woman. But you insist on staying with a man that lives paycheck to paycheck with no clear career goal, doesn''t seem to really care about you (or at the very least breaks up with you on a regulasr basis) and does NOTHING to make you happy. And then you post here and get everyone involved in trying to help your get on with your life and then you get back together with him. I understand turning to the board for the purpose of support...but at times I question whether it is about attention or actually really seeking support and advice. You certainly don''t seem to take any of the good advice given to heart.

Please reread your previous posts about this guy.

Unless you like being unhappy...end this. But we''ve already told you that. And you''ve gotten back together with him once again.

Perhaps you don''t think you deserve to be happy or that K is as good as you''ll ever do. Neither of those things is true. If you can''t see that, then perhaps you need to get some counseling for you. Low self-esteem is tough thing...and it leads many people to make very unfortunate choices. And it seems like that is exactly what you''ve done.

Even your Aunt, a person that you respect and knows you and cares for you has brought up her concerns. I quote "Distance, age, intellectual diference (associates vs. soon to be master''s), his financial troubles, among other things just did not sit well with her." None of those things are going away. K is doing absolutely nothing to make them better. Working on the two issues you stated - religion and communciation - are not going to fix them. Initiating contact with him every other time is NOT going to fix them.

Gah, girl, what is wrong with you?

I''m sorry if the tone of this post is harsh. It wasn''t my intention. I am just really frustrated and saddened by this situation.
 
lysser you bring up a good point....to me they are working on the religion part of the relationship when to me there are some other huge issues that HE has in his life that he seems to have no interest in fixing. personally, i couldn't have a future with someone who was so aimless, especially at his age. forget religion or how nice he is or whatever. there is a serious disconnect there with real life and his fantasy world IMO.

and to me honestly, the online relationship like they share is just an extenion of his fantasy world. it's way easier to have a long distance online relationship for him...because he isn't faced with a nagging girlfriend he sees daily who eventually realizes after spending time with him day after day that 'HELLO you are a loser, dude and you will never change!!'

it bothers me, iluv that you seem to be so smart in other ways and yet you're being a bonehead when it comes to this man. but i know that many women are blind when it comes to love, heck haven't we all been there a time or two? i know i was a lot more naiive about love when i was your age. unfortunately i am kind of losing my sympathy for you because i feel like you are being totally blind to so many of the big issues you have in this relationship and trust me, religion isn't really one of them. working on that to me would be like putting a band-aid on a big bleeding infected oozing sore. it ain't gonna work.

but you have to figure that out for yourself and i just really hope you DO. think really long and hard about your 'future' with this man. is it black and hazy? it seems like it could be no other way. are you going to be the primary breadwinner? is he going to be the stay at home dad on the internet all day? this guy is in his 30's and what? living an early 20's lifestyle. time to grow up buddy!

keep us posted on duncan and please keep posting pictures!!
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top