Sometimes, I think about breaking up with BF

[musey]

Date: 8/24/2008 11:19:17 AM
Author: inhisarms17
ksinger: And in answer to your question does passion just die? No. But it does moderate some. It becomes deeper, but less driving, does that make sense? Much more light-hearted and loving and less hormone-driven. Better.

I am 23, will be 24 in October, been with my boyfriend for 6 years this November and I couldn''t have said that better myself.

Oh goodness. This really hit home for me.

Whenever I see these threads pop up, I get a little nervous feeling seeing all the "No! True, passionate love awaits you!!" ...especially with the wedding coming up in just over a month. I keep trying to reming myself that many of the advocates for "mad/passionate" love are perhaps more romantic in their worldview, where I''ve always been more practical.

Anyway, I''ve been with FI for a little under 5 years now, and this is the kind of ''passion'' we now have. The light-hearted and loving kind. We aren''t pulling each other into the bedroom at every opportunity like we used to, but we are pulling close to joke and cuddle more than ever.

Thank you for posting that, ksinger.

 

[ksinger]

NP. I just call ''em like I see ''em.

We even talk (get ready for it, it''s gonna be a shocker.......wait for it.....) POLITICS in bed! (for those who follow the political threads I''m sure this is a true revelation....

) Even we think it''s pretty hilarious, especially since they put out a new E-harmony ad where the couple is talking and promising things and the guy says: "I promise to never talk politics in bed." And we''re both like, "My gawd, what else do you talk about??" We''re still giggling about that one.

And since we''ve known each other at every stage in life, we also got a major charge out of something I heard or read somewhere...it may have been part of a comedian''s routine...anyway...it was like, Sex at 20 is where you roll over and go, "Man! that was incredible!!", and then snuggle, getting ready for round 2. Sex at 45 is "Man, that was incredible!! Hey, isn''t it time for "Law and Order"??" We both just laughed like loons at that one. It''s absolutely true. Too dang funny. (And we ARE 45 and 46...just for the record.)

And maybe that''s the point. If you aren''t laughing together often, I''m not sure you can weather the inevitable not-laughings that will happen...

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I think if you constantly doubt a relationship then he is not the right person for you. My FI and I have been through ups and downs but the one way I always KNEW he was the one was that I knew I could NEVER live without him. I never felt that way about anyone before and that is how I knew we were meant to be.

As others have already said - marry your best friend and you will never be disappointed!

 

[neatfreak]

Julie, I think if you''re asking yourself this question either the relationship has expired OR you personally are just not in "that place" yet to get married and continue. And that is FINE. You are young and have plenty of time. It isn''t fair to him to stay in a relationship you know in your gut isn''t right-for whatever reason that is.

I have to say that I agree with ksinger''s analysis of things very much. Our relationship might not be as passionate now as it first was in the traditional sense of "passionate", but it has become about so much more than that. He is my partner and family and there is no question in my mind about how much my love has grown for him over time. And I think THAT is the sign of a true partnership because the "traditional" passion often fades with time...but it''s replaced with better things IMO.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/24/2008 9:52:52 AM
Author: diamondfan
I think relationships evolve over time. Even if you have all the passion in the beginning, you settle into things too, life is just like that, and while the passion can still be there, other things start to become even more important.


If you are not feeling it, it might be best to think about a future with him...do you see it? Can you imagine yourselves raising kids, traveling, weathering hard times? Passion will not be what carries you through life each day, but it is important too.


I think we sometimes think of this big sweeping fairytale, and it is hard to let that go.


I am sorry about your ex, do you wish you could be with him again?

Hi, DF.

I was having a bad day yesterday. Today, I see myself having kids with him.

I just wish I could remember a time when BF and I were (IMO) passionate together, or had "chemistry." But I really don't think I can, even though it must have existed briefly. Maybe he and I recognized in the other that s/he was, objectively, a "good catch" and decided to take a chance on that.

I wish I could be with my ex, but currently, we are at different universities. The real thorn is that, three months into my relationship with BF, my ex wanted to get back together, and I said I didn't want to without being able to be in the same area. Ever since then, I've had doubts and /really/ wanted to be back with my ex. But after I refused him, we have not talked.

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/24/2008 3:08:02 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 8/24/2008 9:52:52 AM

Author: diamondfan

I think relationships evolve over time. Even if you have all the passion in the beginning, you settle into things too, life is just like that, and while the passion can still be there, other things start to become even more important.



If you are not feeling it, it might be best to think about a future with him...do you see it? Can you imagine yourselves raising kids, traveling, weathering hard times? Passion will not be what carries you through life each day, but it is important too.



I think we sometimes think of this big sweeping fairytale, and it is hard to let that go.



I am sorry about your ex, do you wish you could be with him again?

Hi, DF.


I was having a bad day yesterday. Today, I see myself having kids with him.


I just wish I could remember a time when BF and I were (IMO) passionate together, or had ''chemistry.'' But I really don''t think I can, even though it must have existed briefly. Maybe he and I recognized in the other that s/he was, objectively, a ''good catch'' and decided to take a chance on that.


I wish I could be with my ex, but currently, we are at different universities. The real thorn is that, three months into my relationship with BF, my ex wanted to get back together, and I said I didn''t want to without being able to be in the same area. Ever since then, I''ve had doubts and /really/ wanted to be back with my ex. But after I refused him, we have not talked.

Honestly, I think that says it all.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 8/24/2008 3:18:26 PM
Author: princesss

I wish I could be with my ex, but currently, we are at different universities. The real thorn is that, three months into my relationship with BF, my ex wanted to get back together, and I said I didn''t want to without being able to be in the same area. Ever since then, I''ve had doubts and /really/ wanted to be back with my ex. But after I refused him, we have not talked.

Honestly, I think that says it all.

I think so too.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/24/2008 10:14:19 AM
Author: ksinger
Hmm....my background in a nutshell: closer to 50 than 20. Married once for 8 years, divorced, single for 9, now married to THE man. I've known him since I was 16, dated him all the way through college, broke up...married the OTHER guy , divorced the OTHER guy, got back together with THE man, bad timing, broke up AGAIN, did that 9 year single thing (didn't date a soul I might add) and I'm now married to THE man. I know: sounds like a bad plot for a sappy movie on a cable station.... Anyhoo....

ksinger, I want to say congratulations. not for finally landing the right man, but for coming through strong and awesome all of those years.

Sex is sex. Good sex can be had without compatibility. But a good sex life will not survive a growing lack of respect and will not hold you together if there is not already a strong compatibility of mind, sense of humor, and how you relate to the world. In fact, the passion will die after awhile, especially for us girls, if the emotional component of a relationship is under extreme stress. My first marriage was tempestuous, with us having things in common at a surface level, but not at a deep level. And in the end it died. And in your 20's an 30's, most people just flat out don't have enough life experience to understand how important that deep level is. The 'passion' gets in the way of it all. And the insecurities about either not actually knowing what you want, OR not knowing what is reasonable to expect, from another person. HOWEVER, IF you don't feel real passion for the person - if he doesn't make your..um..heart, go pitter patter, no matter how 'good or suitable' he is, you probably won't be able to manufacture it for him. In a long-term relationship can you fake a passion you don't feel - for decades? He's gonna figure it out eventually, and in the end you will be unable to use sex as that very visceral way to reconnect when things need 'repair'. Men in particular like to use sex as a way to reassure themselves that their relationships are OK. (And yes, he and I have talked about this alot - he's confirmed many of my insights as true in general for guys). Hence that old saw about 'make up sex'.

I agree that men feel loved when they are having/getting sex, and sex as a way to repair things can be very effective. Sadly, my...um...heart doesn't go pitter patter. Is that bad? I know I'm capable of having those feelings. It doesn't happen as strong and as often as I used to feel, and that's one of the things that I'm wondering if I can live with. I remember once, with my ex, when I was very young (18!) I was taking a calculus test at the end of the school day. Ex comes looking for me, opens the door...I see him, and my heart starts to race, beads of sweat pop out, and I yell at him to get out of the room so that I can concentrate.

And in answer to your question does passion just die? No. But it does moderate some. It becomes deeper, but less driving, does that make sense? Much more light-hearted and loving and less hormone-driven. Better.

I am familiar with this, so, I know what you mean.

Thanks for your post, I really appreciate it.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/24/2008 2:30:23 AM
Author: LaraOnline

I tend to agree with you, Julie.
Americans, (and the Brits and the Aussies) have elevated romantic love to the point where it is culturally acceptable - even desirable - to 'work through' a lot of partners in the search for 'the one'. The results in a lot of unnecessarily used, hurt and jaded people!

I believe all this deep upset to people is completely pointless and irresponsible. It also puts individuals in a very lonely place, as our culture - although strictly anti-rape and anti-child abuse - seems to assume that all consensual experience is recoverable. I think it is not.

Unfortunately, as it is a cultural way of doing things, it is very hard to see how an individual can avoid this process, other than through luck and then an ability to swim against the tide.

If you want to marry, by all means, marry. And take responsibility for your choices, and work hard to make your love (for it is love) a success!

Hi, Lara, thanks for your posts! I've enjoyed reading them.

I ran my situation across a male friend. His cultural background believes that the relentless search for passionate smashinate love is complete foolishness. (He is American-born.) He believes this left-and-right heartbreaking is very irresponsible. My ex, who is of the same cultural background as my friend, probably believed this, too... I kick myself for breaking up with him, even though he stood by me when I was acting wretchedly.

 

[Tuckins1]

No, I could not/ would not live with it. Yes, that "new relationship" passion fades, but what remains SHOULD be a never ending passion for each other. Since the first kiss with my hubby I have never thought of being without him. If you are really having those thoughts, you need to seriously think about your relationship. Perhaps you can regain what you feel that you are missing, but if you can''t maybe you need to move on. I would just hate to see someone make a life changing decision like marrying someone who really isn''t "the one".

 

[HollyS]

JulieN:

If you read -- really read -- what you yourself have written, you will have your answer. Your current boyfriend is never going to be The One for you. You still love your ex. It''s really that simple; and has nothing to do with your feelings about the current BF. Stop trying to fix your current situation; acknowledge that you are the reason it isn''t working; and move on. If you and the ex are meant to be together, it will happen. But, in any case, the current BF is merely Mr. Transitional Man.

And really, if you are 22, take some time for yourself, and stop trying to be in a relationship with anyone just now. Find out who you are, and what will make you happy. You have plenty of time; and you have no reason to ''settle''. Just don''t.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/24/2008 3:08:02 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 8/24/2008 9:52:52 AM

Author: diamondfan

I think relationships evolve over time. Even if you have all the passion in the beginning, you settle into things too, life is just like that, and while the passion can still be there, other things start to become even more important.



If you are not feeling it, it might be best to think about a future with him...do you see it? Can you imagine yourselves raising kids, traveling, weathering hard times? Passion will not be what carries you through life each day, but it is important too.



I think we sometimes think of this big sweeping fairytale, and it is hard to let that go.



I am sorry about your ex, do you wish you could be with him again?

Hi, DF.


I was having a bad day yesterday. Today, I see myself having kids with him.


I just wish I could remember a time when BF and I were (IMO) passionate together, or had ''chemistry.'' But I really don''t think I can, even though it must have existed briefly. Maybe he and I recognized in the other that s/he was, objectively, a ''good catch'' and decided to take a chance on that.


I wish I could be with my ex, but currently, we are at different universities. The real thorn is that, three months into my relationship with BF, my ex wanted to get back together, and I said I didn''t want to without being able to be in the same area. Ever since then, I''ve had doubts and /really/ wanted to be back with my ex. But after I refused him, we have not talked.

If you want to be with your ex, that is okay. It would not, however, be fair to use your current BF as a placeholder. And please don''t say "I''m leaving you for my ex," it kind of kills self esteem...

Be single, date other people. Maybe you will find someone better than your ex.

Also, how long have you and your ex been apart? It''s really easy to go back to exes, even for the wrong reasons. Just make sure you know what you want. Cultural convenience is not reason enough to get back together, IMO.

Good luck!

 

[VMal]

Date: 8/24/2008 11:58:17 AM
Author: jcarlylew

however if there is no respect in the relationship, then that is where it needs to be re-evaluated. E could love me past the stars and the moon, but if he didnt respect me, how could i live with myself?

Wow.... Something to think about.




I think everyone has their days, no? Maybe even moreso us youngins?? (I''m 22) Maybe not.....

My mom always said she feels bad for the guy I marry because I get bored so easily.

And though that was the case in the past, this one was different. Thats how I knew. He was just different. There are still those moments you could just ring his neck and you find yourself asking, "Why am I doing this?/ I don''t need this/ I deserve more." But even during our bad times, I wouldn''t want to fight or cry with anyone else.

What I''m wondering about your situation is--
Could you talk to him about this? Could you tell him that you are feeling neglected or distant or that you long for the passion that was once there? Is there maybe something he can do to help you get through this?

After all, relationships take work right? And sometimes there are those sacrifices you have to make, or things to work on, right? It''s not all candy.

I agree a lot with everyone here... Especially about marrying your best friend. I think thats so important.

There are days that I ponder similar thoughts but then I remember that I am not me without him. And that whatever doubt or feeling I have, I can talk to him about and we will work through it, as we always have.

Do you have that with him? Can you talk to him about the way you are feeling? Have you and nothing has changed?

 

[VMal]

Date: 8/24/2008 4:44:47 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 8/24/2008 3:08:02 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 8/24/2008 9:52:52 AM

Author: diamondfan

I think relationships evolve over time. Even if you have all the passion in the beginning, you settle into things too, life is just like that, and while the passion can still be there, other things start to become even more important.



If you are not feeling it, it might be best to think about a future with him...do you see it? Can you imagine yourselves raising kids, traveling, weathering hard times? Passion will not be what carries you through life each day, but it is important too.



I think we sometimes think of this big sweeping fairytale, and it is hard to let that go.



I am sorry about your ex, do you wish you could be with him again?

Hi, DF.


I was having a bad day yesterday. Today, I see myself having kids with him.


I just wish I could remember a time when BF and I were (IMO) passionate together, or had ''chemistry.'' But I really don''t think I can, even though it must have existed briefly. Maybe he and I recognized in the other that s/he was, objectively, a ''good catch'' and decided to take a chance on that.


I wish I could be with my ex, but currently, we are at different universities. The real thorn is that, three months into my relationship with BF, my ex wanted to get back together, and I said I didn''t want to without being able to be in the same area. Ever since then, I''ve had doubts and /really/ wanted to be back with my ex. But after I refused him, we have not talked.

If you want to be with your ex, that is okay. It would not, however, be fair to use your current BF as a placeholder. And please don''t say ''I''m leaving you for my ex,'' it kind of kills self esteem...

Be single, date other people. Maybe you will find someone better than your ex.

Also, how long have you and your ex been apart? It''s really easy to go back to exes, even for the wrong reasons. Just make sure you know what you want. Cultural convenience is not reason enough to get back together, IMO.

Good luck!

WHOA. I didn''t read that part.

Sweeti you need to figure out what you want...

As DF said, you can''t use your current as a placeholder. Thats just not fair. How would you feel if it were you in his position.

Maybe you need some time to yourself to figure things out...

Whatever it is, get on it. You dont want to feel this way the rest of your life, do you? That awful "What if....."

 

[Pandora II]

Years ago I posted on a different forum asking whether it was possible to create chemistry in a relationship if it wasn't there. I was with a guy who was crazy about me, proposed at least once a week and I just wasn't feeling the pitter patter in my heart.

I was heading for 30 and beginning to think I needed to settle down. Here I was with a guy who looked good on paper, worshipped the ground I walked on and yet it didn't feel right.

I got very ill and had to move back to my parents, we sort of carried on seeing each other and it was on again off again. Then I went to a party and met DH. There was just this huge X factor. I came home and dumped the other guy that evening.

DH and I are hugely affectionate with each other, but we're not swinging from the lampshades every night. I know that we will still be crazy about each other when we are 90 and probably incapable of doing more than holding hands!

Passion is not the most important factor in a relationship - friendship, shared values, compatibility, respect and affection are far more important in the long run. But a relationship with no passion is going nowhere.

It's definitely time to call time on this relationship it seems.

Don't ever settle - and certainly not at your age. I didn't meet DH until I was 32 - and it was sooooo worth waiting for. If anyone had told me at 22, or 24 or even 28 that I wouldn't get married until 2 weeks short of my 36th birthday I'd have been horrified. But, it feels like yesterday that I was 22!

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/24/2008 5:41:15 PM
Author: VMal

WHOA. I didn''t read that part.

Sweeti you need to figure out what you want...

As DF said, you can''t use your current as a placeholder. Thats just not fair. How would you feel if it were you in his position.

Maybe you need some time to yourself to figure things out...

Whatever it is, get on it. You dont want to feel this way the rest of your life, do you? That awful ''What if.....''

Hi, VMal. My current BF is, IMO, not a placeholder for my ex. Ex is not in the picture: we don''t talk, there are no plans to get together in the future. The way BF sees it, my last relationship didn''t work out. That''s enough for him. Yes, I would like to be with my ex, but there is no "What if...?"

 

[ksinger]

Date: 8/24/2008 3:34:21 PM
Author: JulieN
Date: 8/24/2008 10:14:19 AM
Author: ksinger
Hmm....my background in a nutshell: closer to 50 than 20. Married once for 8 years, divorced, single for 9, now married to THE man. I''ve known him since I was 16, dated him all the way through college, broke up...married the OTHER guy , divorced the OTHER guy, got back together with THE man, bad timing, broke up AGAIN, did that 9 year single thing (didn''t date a soul I might add) and I''m now married to THE man. I know: sounds like a bad plot for a sappy movie on a cable station.... Anyhoo....

ksinger, I want to say congratulations. not for finally landing the right man, but for coming through strong and awesome all of those years.

Sex is sex. Good sex can be had without compatibility. But a good sex life will not survive a growing lack of respect and will not hold you together if there is not already a strong compatibility of mind, sense of humor, and how you relate to the world. In fact, the passion will die after awhile, especially for us girls, if the emotional component of a relationship is under extreme stress. My first marriage was tempestuous, with us having things in common at a surface level, but not at a deep level. And in the end it died. And in your 20''s an 30''s, most people just flat out don''t have enough life experience to understand how important that deep level is. The ''passion'' gets in the way of it all. And the insecurities about either not actually knowing what you want, OR not knowing what is reasonable to expect, from another person. HOWEVER, IF you don''t feel real passion for the person - if he doesn''t make your..um..heart, go pitter patter, no matter how ''good or suitable'' he is, you probably won''t be able to manufacture it for him. In a long-term relationship can you fake a passion you don''t feel - for decades? He''s gonna figure it out eventually, and in the end you will be unable to use sex as that very visceral way to reconnect when things need ''repair''. Men in particular like to use sex as a way to reassure themselves that their relationships are OK. (And yes, he and I have talked about this alot - he''s confirmed many of my insights as true in general for guys). Hence that old saw about ''make up sex''.

I agree that men feel loved when they are having/getting sex, and sex as a way to repair things can be very effective. Sadly, my...um...heart doesn''t go pitter patter. Is that bad? I know I''m capable of having those feelings. It doesn''t happen as strong and as often as I used to feel, and that''s one of the things that I''m wondering if I can live with. I remember once, with my ex, when I was very young (18!) I was taking a calculus test at the end of the school day. Ex comes looking for me, opens the door...I see him, and my heart starts to race, beads of sweat pop out, and I yell at him to get out of the room so that I can concentrate.

And in answer to your question does passion just die? No. But it does moderate some. It becomes deeper, but less driving, does that make sense? Much more light-hearted and loving and less hormone-driven. Better.

I am familiar with this, so, I know what you mean.

Thanks for your post, I really appreciate it.

Thanks for the congrats, although I prefer to think of it as pure dumb pig-headedness: I''m not about to be eternally miserable because there''s not a man around. I love ''em, but dang! they ARE a bunch of trouble sometimes aren''t they?

I''ll say a bit more. When we were young - 18-23, he was clanked up. Emotionally closed to a great degree. A misanthrope to a great degree. Still had the wicked sense of humor, just a bit darker? But we had MAJOR differences. I walked away. Broke up. Something in me knew we''d not make it. And this in spite of the definite pitter-patter. It hurt. A lot. Both of us.

Second time we were fresh off our respective divorces - BAD timing. I was passionately in love again, and he was in emotional tatters. I was a bit needy but he was a genuine rear-end. I broke up because he effectively drove me away. I was closed down and depressed for literally YEARS. So don''t think it was easy - it wasn''t. Five years later, I got a heartfelt and difficult apology in the mail. I must have instantly forgiven him, because I''m pretty sure without that letter, we''d not be together today. But it still took a year and a half or so before I contacted him. I had to cogitate on it for a while. And when we did start "seeing" one another, it was in the guise of "old friend". I still wasn''t ready to go there. But that old pitter patter wouldn''t leave us alone until we had to admit that it was all still there. And that has been something we''ve never ever lost, in 28 years. For us, without it pulling us back again and again, we might never have made it to this great place.

Sounds to me like your feelings are still with the ex... Boy do I understand THAT one. You are indeed in a tough situation. There are certainly no guarantees in life, no promises that you will find "the one", no guarantees that even if you do, you won''t mess it up somehow. But leave the settling for us older folks. You have some time in front of you. Think on it some more. And remember that there is always the possibility of something new and wonderful around the next corner. I should know.

I do wish you the best and hope that you get the best friend, the passion, the meeting of minds, all of it. It can be absolutely awesome when you do.

 

[JulieN]

Two nights ago, I had a dream about the ex, and it really disturbed me all day. Today is much better.

If I haven''t personally replied to your post, it probably means that I mostly agreed with it. Thanks for taking the time to read this!

As some of you may remember, BF and I had plans to move in together next month. I still intend to go forward with this, and he and I are on the same page about living together (it''s not "the next step"), so no worries there. We''re both excited for this.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 8/24/2008 8:21:27 PM
Author: Pandora II
Years ago I posted on a different forum asking whether it was possible to create chemistry in a relationship if it wasn't there. I was with a guy who was crazy about me, proposed at least once a week and I just wasn't feeling the pitter patter in my heart.

I was heading for 30 and beginning to think I needed to settle down. Here I was with a guy who looked good on paper, worshipped the ground I walked on and yet it didn't feel right.

I got very ill and had to move back to my parents, we sort of carried on seeing each other and it was on again off again. Then I went to a party and met DH. There was just this huge X factor. I came home and dumped the other guy that evening.

DH and I are hugely affectionate with each other, but we're not swinging from the lampshades every night. I know that we will still be crazy about each other when we are 90 and probably incapable of doing more than holding hands!

Passion is not the most important factor in a relationship - friendship, shared values, compatibility, respect and affection are far more important in the long run. But a relationship with no passion is going nowhere.

It's definitely time to call time on this relationship it seems.

Don't ever settle - and certainly not at your age. I didn't meet DH until I was 32 - and it was sooooo worth waiting for. If anyone had told me at 22, or 24 or even 28 that I wouldn't get married until 2 weeks short of my 36th birthday I'd have been horrified. But, it feels like yesterday that I was 22!

Ditto to everything Pandora said. I had a similar experience. In my late 20s, I began to think my expectations were unrealistic, and around that time, I met a man who was super-nice. He would have been good to me and would have been a 'sensible' choice....but I didn't feel chemistry for him.

Prior to him, I dated guys I felt chemistry with but didn't feel the emotional connection to.

Neither scenario was the right choice for me, and that was never clearer than when I met my husband at age 37. With him, I felt love (emotional connection, respect, shared values, similar world views, similar ideologies) AND passion (chemistry).

That's the thing. Love isn't passion. Love is emotional connection; passion is chemistry.

As ksinger said, passion/chemistry changes over time as you become more familiar with each other. Passion in the form of physical intimacy changes, largely because physical intimacy takes on a broader defintion. It's not just sex, it's holding hands, hugging, and all manner of physical closeness. As she said, it's more lighthearted and less intense, but it's still fulfilling. Instead of being a white-hot fire, it's a steady burning warmth.

Most great relationships I know of began with both love and passion. The balance between love and passion seems to change over the life of a relationship; as the passion becomes less intense, the love seemingly expands.

I hope things work the way you hope them to.

 

[Kaleigh]

JulieN,
Seems like you are going through the motions with your BF, but your heart truly belongs to another. I'd take time to talk to your EX, if you don't, you'll always wonder what if?? Your EX would probably love to hear from you, if you shut that door, open it and see what's what. I believe the love of your life is behind that door. You'll never know unless you have that talk, if it's done, so be it. But am betting, the fires are still a flaming between you two. Just going by what you wrote, it's like a movie, and you want to scream, wait!!!

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/24/2008 9:28:23 PM
Author: Kaleigh
JulieN,

Seems like you are going through the motions with your BF, but your heart truly belongs to another. I'd take time to talk to your EX, if you don't, you'll always wonder what if?? Your EX would probably love to hear from you, if you shut that door, open it and see what's what. I believe the love of your life is behind that door. You'll never know unless you have that talk, if it's done, so be it. But am betting, the fires are still a flaming between you two. Just going by what you wrote, it's like a movie, and you want to scream, wait!!!

Kaleigh! I read your post, and I just teared up. Your post spurred me to try, and he picked up! We talked for like 5 minutes. At first, I was dying to tell him how I felt, but I knew then was not the time for histrionics... him picking up=he's open to talking, and that's probably enough for now.

I've known heated passion with him, and quiet passion, and politics in bed is not such a crazy idea. He and I didn't have an ideal relationship or anything, but, I don't know...he certainly was the love of my life at one point. As everyone has pointed out, I'm young and I have a lot of time...I want to just figure things out and eventually feel that things are alright.

 

[LaraOnline]

My heart goes out to you Julie,
Take some comfort from knowing that we all have some understanding of how you are feelig - all those daytime soaps, with their unrequited pasts, unspoken feelings etc etc - are popular because we all have had these feelings, and probably enjoy them.
First intimacies pretty much seem to have a direct connection between our bodies and our hearts, especially if you have been seeing the man regularly, and have had an on going relationship.
I guess that''s why religious groups tend to suggest that romantic activity is reserved for marriage. It can be an intensely bonding experience, particularly if it is a fairly new experience.
However, for practical and cultural reasons, this ideal is not usually lived out. Getting married is a heavy responsibility, and many - if not most - people do not feel ready to marry when they first reach sexual maturity.
So, the connection between heart and body is not truly lived out IRL, although you might still have the longings to ''make it work''.

Try not to ''buy in'' to those feelings of your ex, necessarily. If you sincerely feel that he is the right person for you, by all means, look him up and have a good look at it all.
However, you are very young and will get much more out of life if you attempt to put all worrisome feelings out of your heart and mind for as much of the time as possible. It is important to develop an emotional robustness.

I spent many years hung up on my first ''major love''.
After I finally married (another, who is a much nicer person!

)
I went and visited the first guy''s parents to show them my two children.
Turns out that this first guy had gotten another girl pregnant shortly before meeting me, and that he had kept this MASSIVE secret from me, all the time we were together!!

Dreaming about him really messed my life around.

Don''t you go making any similar mistakes.

*heart* L.

 

[risingsun]

I am also closer to 50 than 20. Sometimes I think that a sense of humor gets you through life more than passion ever can. If you have compatible goals and values, respect and trust each other, and want to live your lives throughout the good, the bad and the ugly...then do it. Passion changes to something much deeper as time goes on. My husband is my family. I can't imagine being without him.

ETA: I just read the part about your ex. It seems that your heart is with him and not your BF. If your ex is the man you want to spend your life with, then you need to let your BF go.

 

[JulieN]

Lara,

And if one falls off the chastity wagon for someone they really care about, and have waited a long time for, I guess it makes it all the more difficult to get over. I will be sure to pass this wisdom on.

My idea is just to be friends. We are probably both graduating some time in 2009, and I don't want to be in a long-distance relationship. Maybe something will come of it...but I try not to wish for that. I WOULD like to be content and not have these recurring doubts and dreams of someone who is not my boyfriend.

Congratulations on your two little ones. They /look/ like angels.

 

[diamondfan]

Julie, I would never tell anyone to break up with someone. He is likely a wonderful man, but it seems your heart is with your ex. Geography is not a reason not to be with him if you are in love with each other. Again, I am not saying go back to your ex or break up with your current beau. However, I am saying, follow your heart. Only you know what will truly make you happy. I think if you have unresolved stuff with your ex and would be together but for school, there is really something in your mind and you need to think it through, for all of you. Good luck, I am interested to hear what happens.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/24/2008 11:50:27 PM
Author: JulieN
Lara,


And if one falls off the chastity wagon for someone they really care about, and have waited a long time for, I guess it makes it all the more difficult to get over. I will be sure to pass this wisdom on.


My idea is just to be friends. We are probably both graduating some time in 2009, and I don''t want to be in a long-distance relationship. Maybe something will come of it...but I try not to wish for that. I WOULD like to be content and not have these recurring doubts and dreams of someone who is not my boyfriend.


Congratulations on your two little ones. They /look/ like angels.

LD isn''t all that bad, especially for 9mos, just something to think about. I am approaching 4 yrs LD, so I know what I am talking about. But, um, don''t do it for 4 yrs... THAT is not a good idea.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/24/2008 11:50:27 PM
Author: JulieN

Congratulations on your two little ones. They /look/ like angels.

Actually, Julie, they ARE little angels. Except the bigger one punches the little one when she thinks I''m not looking.

But she''s really just jealous of her mum, so I forgive her.
And don''t forget, you''re an angel on earth too! Maybe you should call your mum, tell her you love her...even if you can''t talk about the ''boyfriend troubles''.

 

[Booper717]

I just wanted to pop in to wish you some luck, it sounds as though you''re going threw something very difficult and support would be helpful.

I realize that everyone has a diffrent idea of what a marriage should be made up of. That''s fine, that''s what keeps us all so diffrent

I feel there should be a desire to see that person ever single day, I think there should be trust, respect, humor, history, and love. If you have all that I feel you will never totally lose your passion for one another. True, over time it may fade a little, but it''s not your love fadeing.

I think you owe it to yourself to be with the one who your 100% sure of.

Goodluck, I hope you''re able to follow your heart and make the right decisions for your situation.

 

[AdiS]

Before I met my hubby I had a serious relationship with another man. We were well suited, we never fought or argued and we generally felt good together-in a calm and peaceful way. But there was no chemistry at all. No passion, no heart going pitter patter. I knew it is not the most important thing in a relationship and I was telling myself that love is not just passion, that friendship is what matters most. Until I realized I was telling this myself day by day, each day and trying to convince myself rather than actually believing it. I was really young at that time but my eyes were clear-I had no dreams or expectations for thunderous passions and love just like in the romantic movies. But I knew that there is more, there should be more. Then I lived torn by contradictions and I felt bad because my insecurity and doubts concerning my relationship were growing stronger and stronger and I almost felt like a traitor for having these thoughts. But I was also convinced that they meant something and something important at that. I finally decided that it would only be fair if I talked to my then boyfriend and tell him how I felt. It was difficult and it was painful. But in the end it turned out that he not only understands, he feels the same! We decided to take some time apart and see how we feel about it.

I enjoyed my time alone since it gave me the opportunity to think. I missed him like I would have missed one of my best friends. But nothing more. I didn’t date anyone else and I had no desire to. But I also didn’t dream of him, didn’t crave for his touch, his smile, his kiss. Didn’t crave for him.

A few weeks later I met my husband. It was like thunder, like love at first sight, like magic. We became inseparable days after our fist meeting. And I knew that I was right. There is more. There is passion and love beyond reason and there is respect and companionship at the same time. He is all and he is the one. 5 years later, already happily married, I still believe that you could have it all. There is no need to compromise and no need to settle for less. You deserve it all! I have never, ever, even once doubted that he is the man for me, that he’s the one and that I want to grow old with him. Oh yes, there were times when I ardently desired to strangle him, but even then I never asked myself “Is this all worth it?” Yes, it is.

Dear JulieN, I don’t feel like giving you any advices. I just wanted to give you my support and wish you all the best. Please don’t cease to believe in love. It always finds a way to surprise you…

 

[BlueSki231]

I just saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and there''s a quote in the movie that got me thinking.. The lead actor has a line that says "Only unfulfilled love can be romantic" or something to that extent.

it''s so easy to look back and wonder what might have been. and i''m not saying it wouldn''t work out with your ex, i guess i''m just saying that it''s so easy to get the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. but if it''s really something that''s tugging at you and won''t let go it may be worth exploring. your heart will always lead you to the right place.