Sometimes, I think about breaking up with BF

[dcgator]

I feel your pain. I am now almost 27, and have been in your shoes. My last real relationship before my current one was with someone very similar to what you described. At the time, I was 22 and living abroad and was (and still am) the high achiever type. The person I was with was a good man, and would have been a good father. My real father cheated on my mom and was not much in the dad department, so IMO, a man who could be a good husband and father is a great find. And, I did care deeply for him, but didn''t have that passion that you were talking about.

He had asked too early in the relationship to get engaged, and I told him I needed more time. A few months later while visiting my family in the States, I spoke with my mom and told her about how I was considering his proposal. I expressed my lack of passion in the relationship but told him that I still thought he would be a good husband and asked her thoughts. Specifically, I asked her how to know if that was "the one" and if I should marry him. She told me something that really made my decision so much clearer for me, which I will share with you. She said...

"You may not know 100% if it''s the RIGHT one, but you will know in your heart when its NOT the right one."

That made admit to myself what I had wasn''t right for me. Now, 5 years later, I am more happy than I have ever been and have not only a great man and future husband, but all the passion and love that I imagined I could have. It sounds like you know in your heart what is the right thing for you and all I can say is that you should go with that. Have some faith that what should be will be and there is some reason for why certain things happen.

I wish you luck however you proceed and happiness in your life choices.

 

[katamari]

Julie, more sympathy coming your way for a difficult situation.

I want to please encourage you to pursue romance rationally. Yes, a temporary LDR would be fine, but if you and your ex decided it wasn''t worth pursuing once, there was a reason for this. Plus, there is work involved in falling out of love with someone, and forgetting and moving on is the bulk of this work. If you haven''t done this, then you haven''t really given yourself fully to your new SO, and, as a result, probably don''t love him as much as you could.

At 22, and having been in two serious relationships, you just might not be ready to find true love yet. At this age so much of life is still unresolved - not that it ever gets easier, but your possibilities certainly shrink once you are done with schooling and into your career - that what you want from life and love will likely change again.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/25/2008 1:15:40 PM
Author: Namaste
I just saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and there''s a quote in the movie that got me thinking.. The lead actor has a line that says ''Only unfulfilled love can be romantic'' or something to that extent.

it''s so easy to look back and wonder what might have been. and i''m not saying it wouldn''t work out with your ex, i guess i''m just saying that it''s so easy to get the ''grass is greener on the other side'' syndrome. but if it''s really something that''s tugging at you and won''t let go it may be worth exploring. your heart will always lead you to the right place.

Namaste!

How did you like the movie?

I think I do have "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome, so I''m trying to be careful about it.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/25/2008 2:40:56 PM
Author: katamari
Julie, more sympathy coming your way for a difficult situation.

I want to please encourage you to pursue romance rationally. Yes, a temporary LDR would be fine, but if you and your ex decided it wasn''t worth pursuing once, there was a reason for this. Plus, there is work involved in falling out of love with someone, and forgetting and moving on is the bulk of this work. If you haven''t done this, then you haven''t really given yourself fully to your new SO, and, as a result, probably don''t love him as much as you could.

At 22, and having been in two serious relationships, you just might not be ready to find true love yet. At this age so much of life is still unresolved - not that it ever gets easier, but your possibilities certainly shrink once you are done with schooling and into your career - that what you want from life and love will likely change again.

katamari,

I understand that there''s work involved... I''m just wondering if there''s a method for moving on and forgetting. I did once read a quip, "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

I was seeing a shrink for a short time last summer, and she had me do an exercise: I had to list 10 qualities I thought were important to have in a partner. Then, I was to grade my ex (1-10) and then sum. However, I did not think the exercise was very good.

 

[CellarDoor]

Date: 8/24/2008 1:07:28 AM
Author: JulieN

Date: 8/24/2008 12:13:32 AM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 8/23/2008 11:09:26 PM

Author: vslover

I think life is too short to settle for not being madly in love.

I definitely agree with this as well!


I think everyone is capable of having the relationship they want and the kind of love that really makes everything worthwhile. It might just take some time and effort to find it. But if you feel like the relationship you''re in isn''t the ideal one that you want, then you should move on. You can find someone who you can stay madly, deeply in love with year after year. I believe that everyone can. And if you aren''t madly, deeply in love with him, then it isn''t fair to him either.

I think it''s more important to be on the same page. It''s a very American view, a very entitled view, that everyone can have that kind of love if they just work hard enough.

That is a very wise statement. I can hardly believe that a 22 year old made it!

I think that it is much more important to be with a relationship that is based upon mutual respect and shared values and goals. Most people who I know who have been married for a long time seem to feel that way as well.

I felt very passionately about my ex boyfriend. We were totally wrong for one another. He cheated a few times, and the relationship was very dramatic. I don''t know if I could ever have such strong and passionate feelings for another person again in my life, and that is a good thing. I love my fiance much more than I ever loved my ex boyfriend, but I don''t have as much "passion" in the relationship. I can trust him, and it is anything but boring. Because I trust him, I am able to reveal more of myself to him and he in turn can do the same with me. It''s not dramatic, but it is stable and intimate.

 

[Pandora II]

Your shrink sounds like she was using the book 'Are You the One for Me?'.

I used the book and found it very helpful. However, at 32 and with 4 serious relationships and a few not so serious behind me, I had quite a lot to go on - the exercises may not work so well if you are a lot younger.


I really don't think it is fair to your current bf to go ahead and move in with him. If you are unsure enough to post what you have here, you know in your heart that this guy is not the right one. If you are both in a 'good for now' relationship then go ahead (saves rent etc), but if he has expectations then stop and think how you would feel if a man who was dreaming of and calling his ex wanted to move in with her.

 

[littlewonone]

JulieN,
How apropos that this particular post is made when I am having the same doubts as you are. Granted each relationship and couple is different, but I feel your pain and doubts.

I''m 27 and dating a guy long distance now for 10 months. Before he was my boyfriend, we were really good friends for 7 years and I had an inkling that he had a secret crush on me. Turns out I was right and through a series of events, we decided to see if we could make it as a couple. We already had a foundation of friendship based on shared interests and respect, it should translate into a romatic relationship seamlessly, right?

In the beginning, yes it did. However, I didn''t have the pitter patter of the heart (not that it is absolutely necessary, but for me it might) but I just chalked it up to the transition from seeing someone as platonic to romantic.

Now 10 months later, the pitter patter has not materialized and we are having more and more problems. We have worked so hard on figuring out how to make this relationship better, but now we have more bad times than good. Thus I have a decision to make. My friend asked me, "If you hadn''t known him as a friend for as long as you did, and he was just a guy that you met and this was going on, would you have stayed in the relationship this long?"

And that is the question for me.

I also feel the pain of "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome as I think of my ex more and more lately. But I have to be careful that I''m not thinking too postitively about my ex because I''m having difficult times in my current relationship and forgetting the problems I did have with my ex. (Although in retrospect, I think that my current relationship''s problems are worse).

Matters of the heart are really tough and there aren''t necessarily right or wrong answers as each person has to do what is right for them and their situation. But you have no idea how close to "heart" your post hit.

I wish you the clarity and wisdom to make your decision. Best of luck!

 

[IloveAsschers13]

It seems to me no one said the most important thing-

WHY NOT TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND??? He might be able to give you a lot of good advice for why he thinks things are going the way they are or if he loves you and in what way. Hearing those things might give you more security and back up the idea that, yeah, you are making the right decision to be staying with him.

My boyfriend and I have been together since we were about 16 and had been really good friends before that for 2 years. We are not as passionate about things in the bedroom but we are always always there for each other which I do consider being passionate about each other. I always think about his feelings and he does too.

I guess it is up to you in the end what you decide to do, but it helps to talk things out loud!

 

[JulieN]

So, I've picked up Are You the One for Me? this afternoon at the library. I understand that it is probably more useful for someone with more experience under her belt, but it seems to be fine reading so far.

Thank you to all of the ladies who have shared their personal experience. The general storyline and advice has been pretty consistent, and it is really helpful.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/25/2008 8:43:58 PM
Author: IloveAsschers13
It seems to me no one said the most important thing-

WHY NOT TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND??? He might be able to give you a lot of good advice for why he thinks things are going the way they are or if he loves you and in what way. Hearing those things might give you more security and back up the idea that, yeah, you are making the right decision to be staying with him.

My boyfriend and I have been together since we were about 16 and had been really good friends before that for 2 years. We are not as passionate about things in the bedroom but we are always always there for each other which I do consider being passionate about each other. I always think about his feelings and he does too.

I guess it is up to you in the end what you decide to do, but it helps to talk things out loud!

We talked about it during my vacation, where I spent some weeks at his house. He thinks my feelings ("I don''t feel like I love you as much as I think I should") will be alleviated when we settle into our fall-winter-spring routine, which includes school, and that we should cultivate a general sense of busy-ness that doesn''t include the other person. While I admit that I do feel better now that I''m back at my own house, and it''s always good to have a life separate from your partner''s day-to-day life, I feel like this doesn''t really solve things...it just makes it feel a little better.

It''s things like this that make me think that love is a little bit cheaper than many of lofty ideas people have of it. If love can be manipulated...? In hard and soft, I believe in.

 

[vslover]

Date: 8/25/2008 10:09:45 PM
Author: JulieN



It''s things like this that make me think that love is a little bit cheaper than many of lofty ideas people have of it. If love can be manipulated...? In hard and soft, I believe in.

Love is not cheap. And really...you''re too young to settle. You can look for and find the kind of "madly in love" romance that''s written about in books...and it can be safe and stable too...it''s out there.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 8/25/2008 4:26:44 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 8/25/2008 1:15:40 PM

Author: Namaste

I just saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and there''s a quote in the movie that got me thinking.. The lead actor has a line that says ''Only unfulfilled love can be romantic'' or something to that extent.


it''s so easy to look back and wonder what might have been. and i''m not saying it wouldn''t work out with your ex, i guess i''m just saying that it''s so easy to get the ''grass is greener on the other side'' syndrome. but if it''s really something that''s tugging at you and won''t let go it may be worth exploring. your heart will always lead you to the right place.

Namaste!


How did you like the movie?


I think I do have ''the grass is greener on the other side'' syndrome, so I''m trying to be careful about it.

I really enjoyed the movie. I would definitely recommend seeing it if you haven''t already. Without really going into detail cause i wouldn''t want to spoil it, it touches on a lot of issues being discussed here. (Not to mention one of the main characters in the movie (Vicky) is engaged.. and you get to stare at her GINORMOUS rock the whole movie.

)

Yea the "grass is greener" is a dangerous thing! I dunno, part of me thinks that if you were really so crazy about him, you wouldn''t care about the distance and you''d make an effort to make it work, however hard it may be.
Was he your "first love" by chance? It''s always harder to let those go...

 

[daydream believer]

When I read this thread I felt like I could have been reading an entry in my diary from three months ago.

I had been with my boyfriend (my first love) for almost three years. After about the first year, serious doubts crept in and they never went away. I was constantly waffling back and forth from thinking I was being too picky to feeling completely trapped. I would actually look down on people who held on to the romantic type of love (even people''s posts here on PS!!) but I was always secretly jealous and worried. No matter how well things were going, there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind.

I also understand the need to make excuses. I would tell myself things like "we''re both so busy, it''s completely natural to let it slip a little" and "we''re just past the exciting new-stage." But the truth is, life will be busy and there will always be something that can serve as an excuse for a lack of satisfaction in a relationship.

Now I know there are a lot of people who are completely satisfied with a relationship that is more rational and less passionate and that is completely ok! That just means that we are all different and need different things. The important thing is to figure out what exactly you want and take the necessary steps to get it.

Listen to your instincts. In my personal experience, they never lie.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 8/25/2008 10:34:11 PM
Author: vslover

Date: 8/25/2008 10:09:45 PM
Author: JulieN
It''s things like this that make me think that love is a little bit cheaper than many of lofty ideas people have of it. If love can be manipulated...? In hard and soft, I believe in.

Love is not cheap. And really...you''re too young to settle. You can look for and find the kind of ''madly in love'' romance that''s written about in books...and it can be safe and stable too...it''s out there.

Ditto.

Everyday I thank my lucky stars for not marrying the first guy that wanted to marry me. He was my friend, but little more than that. I''m sure we could have been "happy", but we never would have had that spark. And then I thank my lucky stars that I had the experiences I had before I met FF, because without them, I never would have known how amazing he is, and probably would have taken him for granted. We have the intimacy and comfortable aura that comes with time, but those sparks still exist. And that is awesome.

I think you know where your heart lies. It''s a matter of coming to terms with that and getting on with the rest of your life. And finding what you''re looking for.

 

[trillionaire]

I am five years in. I still get tingles, and butterflies. And if I am upset with him, my heart literally aches. And the relationship gets BETTER with time. Not easier, necessarily, but richer, and deeper and more comfortable.

You are 22. That is WAY too young for mediocre... And the divorce rate is way too high as is, IMHO...

 

[honey22]

Date: 8/24/2008 9:54:17 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 8/24/2008 9:28:23 PM
Author: Kaleigh
JulieN,

Seems like you are going through the motions with your BF, but your heart truly belongs to another. I''d take time to talk to your EX, if you don''t, you''ll always wonder what if?? Your EX would probably love to hear from you, if you shut that door, open it and see what''s what. I believe the love of your life is behind that door. You''ll never know unless you have that talk, if it''s done, so be it. But am betting, the fires are still a flaming between you two. Just going by what you wrote, it''s like a movie, and you want to scream, wait!!!

Kaleigh! I read your post, and I just teared up. Your post spurred me to try, and he picked up! We talked for like 5 minutes. At first, I was dying to tell him how I felt, but I knew then was not the time for histrionics... him picking up=he''s open to talking, and that''s probably enough for now.

I''ve known heated passion with him, and quiet passion, and politics in bed is not such a crazy idea. He and I didn''t have an ideal relationship or anything, but, I don''t know...he certainly was the love of my life at one point. As everyone has pointed out, I''m young and I have a lot of time...I want to just figure things out and eventually feel that things are alright.

Julie, I am so sorry you are in turmoil sweetie. This can''t be an easy time for you. I posted earlier, but I have been reading along and I have to say, I really think you should tell your ex how you feel. Forget worrying about histrionics, this is a matter of the heart! Life is too short, I have said it to death I know. But what if for some reason, you never had the chance to tell your ex how you feel, please don''t let this go. You obviously hold him close to your heart. The worse thing that will happen is that he won''t feel the same. You will be hurt yes, but you will survive. But, don''t go on wondering.

I am not trying to rub it in or make you feel any worse, but after 12 years, my man still gives me tingles butterflies stomach flips the works. I burnt dinner to a crisp last night as we just HAD to drag each other into the bedroom. The passion doesn''t have to die, it can still be there. Don''t settle, follow your heart darling. Good luck and lots of hugs. Sending lots of happy heart dust your way

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/26/2008 1:20:31 AM
Author: honey22

Date: 8/24/2008 9:54:17 PM

Author: JulieN

Date: 8/24/2008 9:28:23 PM

Author: Kaleigh

JulieN,


Seems like you are going through the motions with your BF, but your heart truly belongs to another. I''d take time to talk to your EX, if you don''t, you''ll always wonder what if?? Your EX would probably love to hear from you, if you shut that door, open it and see what''s what. I believe the love of your life is behind that door. You''ll never know unless you have that talk, if it''s done, so be it. But am betting, the fires are still a flaming between you two. Just going by what you wrote, it''s like a movie, and you want to scream, wait!!!

Kaleigh! I read your post, and I just teared up. Your post spurred me to try, and he picked up! We talked for like 5 minutes. At first, I was dying to tell him how I felt, but I knew then was not the time for histrionics... him picking up=he''s open to talking, and that''s probably enough for now.


I''ve known heated passion with him, and quiet passion, and politics in bed is not such a crazy idea. He and I didn''t have an ideal relationship or anything, but, I don''t know...he certainly was the love of my life at one point. As everyone has pointed out, I''m young and I have a lot of time...I want to just figure things out and eventually feel that things are alright.

Julie, I am so sorry you are in turmoil sweetie. This can''t be an easy time for you. I posted earlier, but I have been reading along and I have to say, I really think you should tell your ex how you feel. Forget worrying about histrionics, this is a matter of the heart! Life is too short, I have said it to death I know. But what if for some reason, you never had the chance to tell your ex how you feel, please don''t let this go. You obviously hold him close to your heart. The worse thing that will happen is that he won''t feel the same. You will be hurt yes, but you will survive. But, don''t go on wondering.


I am not trying to rub it in or make you feel any worse, but after 12 years, my man still gives me tingles butterflies stomach flips the works. I burnt dinner to a crisp last night as we just HAD to drag each other into the bedroom. The passion doesn''t have to die, it can still be there. Don''t settle, follow your heart darling. Good luck and lots of hugs. Sending lots of happy heart dust your way

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Fantastic! I love it!

 

[honey22]

Date: 8/26/2008 1:33:14 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 8/26/2008 1:20:31 AM
Author: honey22

Date: 8/24/2008 9:54:17 PM

Author: JulieN

Date: 8/24/2008 9:28:23 PM

Author: Kaleigh

JulieN,


Seems like you are going through the motions with your BF, but your heart truly belongs to another. I''d take time to talk to your EX, if you don''t, you''ll always wonder what if?? Your EX would probably love to hear from you, if you shut that door, open it and see what''s what. I believe the love of your life is behind that door. You''ll never know unless you have that talk, if it''s done, so be it. But am betting, the fires are still a flaming between you two. Just going by what you wrote, it''s like a movie, and you want to scream, wait!!!

Kaleigh! I read your post, and I just teared up. Your post spurred me to try, and he picked up! We talked for like 5 minutes. At first, I was dying to tell him how I felt, but I knew then was not the time for histrionics... him picking up=he''s open to talking, and that''s probably enough for now.


I''ve known heated passion with him, and quiet passion, and politics in bed is not such a crazy idea. He and I didn''t have an ideal relationship or anything, but, I don''t know...he certainly was the love of my life at one point. As everyone has pointed out, I''m young and I have a lot of time...I want to just figure things out and eventually feel that things are alright.

Julie, I am so sorry you are in turmoil sweetie. This can''t be an easy time for you. I posted earlier, but I have been reading along and I have to say, I really think you should tell your ex how you feel. Forget worrying about histrionics, this is a matter of the heart! Life is too short, I have said it to death I know. But what if for some reason, you never had the chance to tell your ex how you feel, please don''t let this go. You obviously hold him close to your heart. The worse thing that will happen is that he won''t feel the same. You will be hurt yes, but you will survive. But, don''t go on wondering.


I am not trying to rub it in or make you feel any worse, but after 12 years, my man still gives me tingles butterflies stomach flips the works. I burnt dinner to a crisp last night as we just HAD to drag each other into the bedroom. The passion doesn''t have to die, it can still be there. Don''t settle, follow your heart darling. Good luck and lots of hugs. Sending lots of happy heart dust your way

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Fantastic! I love it!

We are getting takeout tonight

 

[purrfectpear]

Julie, there''s one very simple way to know how you really feel about the current BF.

If you were married to each other and he were to get a job transfer to another country where you wouldn''t know anyone, wouldn''t have a job lined up, etc. Would you be OK moving with him?

If you don''t think you could see yourself in that scenario, then I don''t think you''re in love. I''m not suggesting that women should pack up and follow men blindly, just that if the thought makes you sick to your tummy with nerves, and want to run for the hills, then you probably aren''t in love

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/26/2008 9:18:06 AM
Author: purrfectpear
Julie, there''s one very simple way to know how you really feel about the current BF.


If you were married to each other and he were to get a job transfer to another country where you wouldn''t know anyone, wouldn''t have a job lined up, etc. Would you be OK moving with him?


If you don''t think you could see yourself in that scenario, then I don''t think you''re in love. I''m not suggesting that women should pack up and follow men blindly, just that if the thought makes you sick to your tummy with nerves, and want to run for the hills, then you probably aren''t in love

There has definitely got to be a ''spark''... knight in shining armour stuff ... or he makes you think of cute and cuddly puppies .... or me tarzan you jane .... workmates on a team .... or [fill in blank]
Something beyond plain old duty. A warmth in how you relate. And a sense of trust which lets you feel that way about it all. A sincerity.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 8/23/2008 11:48:03 PM
Author: vslover

Date: 8/23/2008 11:44:21 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 8/23/2008 11:34:49 PM

Author: JulieN

Date: 8/23/2008 11:09:26 PM

Author: vslover

I think life is too short to settle for not being madly in love.

I think you are very lucky to believe in this so strongly.

As I get older, I see more and more it''s important to find someone you like who will be a good partner and (if you want to have kids) father. Really hot, passionate relationships don''t always equate to a happy life together.

Oh I totally agree...but I believe you can have both. DH and I are *truly* madly in love with each other...and it shows. He''s also a great provider and father and my best friend. It''s possible to have both and certainly something to strive for...she''s too young to settle for less IMO.

I concur. I would prefer to be alone than not be madly in love with the person I plan to spend/share my life with.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 8/24/2008 10:14:19 AM
Author: ksinger

Date: 8/23/2008 10:56:37 PM
Author:JulieN
Could you live with it, knowing that you don''t love someone as much as you could love?

Or do you reason that passion fades away, and what counts is how good/suitable a person is?

I don''t really believe in one or the other, which is my problem. As philosophies, I think they are both ok, but I lack conviction.

Hmm....my background in a nutshell: closer to 50 than 20. Married once for 8 years, divorced, single for 9, now married to THE man. I''ve known him since I was 16, dated him all the way through college, broke up...married the OTHER guy

, divorced the OTHER guy, got back together with THE man, bad timing, broke up AGAIN, did that 9 year single thing (didn''t date a soul I might add) and I''m now married to THE man. I know: sounds like a bad plot for a sappy movie on a cable station.... Anyhoo....

My observations, (and understand that they come from having lived through all the years and putting it all together at the ''end'', rather than me seeing any of it while I was going through it) are these:

Sex is sex. Good sex can be had without compatibility. But a good sex life will not survive a growing lack of respect and will not hold you together if there is not already a strong compatibility of mind, sense of humor, and how you relate to the world. In fact, the passion will die after awhile, especially for us girls, if the emotional component of a relationship is under extreme stress. My first marriage was tempestuous, with us having things in common at a surface level, but not at a deep level. And in the end it died. And in your 20''s an 30''s, most people just flat out don''t have enough life experience to understand how important that deep level is. The ''passion'' gets in the way of it all. And the insecurities about either not actually knowing what you want, OR not knowing what is reasonable to expect, from another person. HOWEVER, IF you don''t feel real passion for the person - if he doesn''t make your..um..heart, go pitter patter, no matter how ''good or suitable'' he is, you probably won''t be able to manufacture it for him. In a long-term relationship can you fake a passion you don''t feel - for decades? He''s gonna figure it out eventually, and in the end you will be unable to use sex as that very visceral way to reconnect when things need ''repair''. Men in particular like to use sex as a way to reassure themselves that their relationships are OK. (And yes, he and I have talked about this alot - he''s confirmed many of my insights as true in general for guys). Hence that old saw about ''make up sex''.

Now, in spite of all the years ''apart'' my man and I were never really that far apart, if that makes any sense. So even though we''ve been married for a mere few months, having so many previous ''iterations'' and having known one another for 28 years, we are already old married. One friend of mine even expressed envy, stating that he wanted to be able to find someone and go straight to old comfortable married. Of course we didn''t actually do that, but put in rather a lot of work beforehand.

Anyway, my husband''s observations are that it is probably a good thing that we were apart...he thinks his ''figuring it out'' would have been way too hard on me - his changes have been rather more dramatic than mine, I can tell you. Neither one of us believes a marriage earlier could have weathered what we both had to learn. And in answer to your question does passion just die? No. But it does moderate some. It becomes deeper, but less driving, does that make sense? Much more light-hearted and loving and less hormone-driven. Better.

So I guess this weird little ramble would get to this: Yes, you can settle. People marry for all sorts of reasons. And stay married for a whole host of other reasons - trust me, I know quite a few couples of the 30+ year variety who are living lives of ''quiet desperation''. But IMO, marriage without the compatibility of mind, sense of humor, and world view, is too much of a hit, too much of a burden from the very start. For me, that is the most important, with the passion thing a close second. I would not settle for anything less, and didn''t. Of course, there was a very real possibility that I would end up alone for the rest of my life. I was OK with that. But most people aren''t, and getting to that mental place was not easy I''ll admit. Still, if you''d told me 2 years ago, that I''d be married, to the guy I''m married to, you''d have had to scrape my hysterically laughing body off the floor.

I''ll weigh in with the view that you need to keep looking. I''m the poster girl for improbable relationships and reality-is-stranger-than-fiction. Love can happen. Don''t give up on it just yet.

I''ve missed you Karen.

 

[katamari]

Date: 8/25/2008 4:42:05 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 8/25/2008 2:40:56 PM

Author: katamari

Julie, more sympathy coming your way for a difficult situation.


I want to please encourage you to pursue romance rationally. Yes, a temporary LDR would be fine, but if you and your ex decided it wasn''t worth pursuing once, there was a reason for this. Plus, there is work involved in falling out of love with someone, and forgetting and moving on is the bulk of this work. If you haven''t done this, then you haven''t really given yourself fully to your new SO, and, as a result, probably don''t love him as much as you could.


At 22, and having been in two serious relationships, you just might not be ready to find true love yet. At this age so much of life is still unresolved - not that it ever gets easier, but your possibilities certainly shrink once you are done with schooling and into your career - that what you want from life and love will likely change again.

katamari,


I understand that there''s work involved... I''m just wondering if there''s a method for moving on and forgetting. I did once read a quip, ''the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.''

I was seeing a shrink for a short time last summer, and she had me do an exercise: I had to list 10 qualities I thought were important to have in a partner. Then, I was to grade my ex (1-10) and then sum. However, I did not think the exercise was very good.

I think purrfect''s advice is really good to evaluate both men by. What are you willing to give up in your own life to be with them?

In terms of getting over the ex, maybe make a list about all of the reasons you are not together. Think about those when you are reminiscing instead of just the picture perfect thing. For me, and I am also much more of a career high-achiever, I would map out my life (where do I see myself in one week, one month, one year, three years, etc.) and then really evaluate how being with him would impact my life at each point. If it seems feasible to become the person you want with either your ex or your current, then I would pursue that relationship. If not, I would probably cut ties.

This is so hard when emotions are involved, but I find that trying to assess things without emotions first or make the decision you need to make without even considering the emotions. This, for me, makes the emotions follow.

 

[allycat0303]

Honestly, I am crazy about my fiancé. There are times I can not imagine loving anyone more. BUT, I also don`t think that is a necessary requirement to have a good marriage. There`s a really great book ''''Should I stay or should I go'''' that goes through the breaking up process step-by-step. Although that is probably more pertinent if you are already married. Honestly, if you were married with 3 kids, I would say ''''find common ground, try to work it out'''' because you are 22, with your life ahead of you, and no solid commitements yet (no marriage and kids) I would say you should consider leaving.

I think it`s hard to measure if you should go or stay, based on what you would give up for him. There`s a lot I WOULDN''T give up for my fiancé although I am crazy about him.Not my career and not my family. I will even be willing to go as far as say I wouldn`t even make *compromises* in those areas. Very flexible in terms of money, and friends though, so it all depends on what you value.