Soulmates?

[sunnyd]

What does it mean to you? Do you believe in them? Do you think your SO/FI/DH is it? What if you were married and felt you met your true soulmate? Then what?

Looking for some good Tuesday fun.

 

[CNOS128]

Nope, don''t believe in it. Neither does BF, thankfully, because if we got married and then he met his soulmate I''d be kinda mad.
I do believe that he is one of very few people on the earth that I could love unconditionally, and that if we ever broke up there''d be a big, permanent gaping hole in his absence.

in Judaism the concept of a soulmate is called the "beshert," the person you''re destined to be with. I''ve always thought it was a nice idea, but not sure i believe in fate.

 

[MoonWater]

I don't believe in soulmates in the typical way they are understood. I believe we all have many soulmates and we are fortunately if we get to meet them in our life time. Some become our SOs, some our best friends, some our children, some our parents, hell, some our pets! I don't think there is only a singular person for one other person in the world. That would be tragic.

 

[sunnyd]

It would be tragic! I don''t really know if I believe it...probably not, because even if you''re destined to be with someone, you still have to work at the relationship.

And considering you only meet (guessing) less than 1% of the population in your lifetime, chances are unlikely that THE ONE will turn up in your neighborhood.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Hmmmmm.... a tricky one. Do you not think that some days you think your partner is your soulmate and then other days you want to kill him? Or is that just me?? Ha ha!

Seriously though, I think if there is only one person out there for each person then only a very lucky few would ever find them. But I do believe that it is amazing how you can meet someone who you want to spend your life with who you never knew before! I don''t know if this is making sense, let me re-phrase it a little. I always think how strange life is that we meet people who we would never had met if cirumstances had been only slightly different. For example, I met my SO in biology class at college. I hadn''t wanted to take the class but it was the only one left with a free space and my SO had taken the class the year before but had failed and was re-sitting it. If neither of us had been there we would never have met! Do you see what I am saying? So in some ways I do believe that fate plays a part and maybe does push you together with someone who then perhaps is your soul mate.

I really hope this is making sense!!

 

[MoonWater]

That made perfect sense chocolatefudge. I actually do believe in fate, or the whole, "everything happens for a reason" thing. That's why I tend not to regret the things that occur in my life, even the bad stuff, because I know I wouldn't be where I am today without those events.

 

[sunnyd]

Totally makes sense! I was sitting at home in my pjs on a Tuesday night watching Idol last year when I got a text from SOs best friend to come down to the bar. I did reluctantly, but when I drove the friend home he told me that Chris had a crush on me.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I do believe in the idea of fate.

I met my current SO while I was dating my ex (they actually worked together). It was not as though I met my SO and immediately dumped my ex. We were friendly to each other, then became friends and over the course of 3+ years we became best friends. We stayed friends while he dated different people, while I went through the break-up with my ex and while I also dated people here and there. We always kinda thought that we should have been together and eventually we said, "what the heck, let''s give it a try". So, something like 5 years, one apartment, two cats and one house later...we''re glad we took a chance.

Oh, and we''re both still very good friends with my ex. In fact, when I told my ex I was dating my SO he was thrilled and told me he was happy we decided to be together because everyone else could tell we were meant for each other.

 

[sunnyd]

Wow KTF that''s quite the story! My ex used to work where my current SO and his friends and I worked (it was always a party, ha) and everytime they saw us together, they wondered why I was with such a douche. Your story is so much nicer. Haha!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Nope. I don''t believe in fate and I don''t believe in soulmates. I do believe there are people out there more suited to you than everyone else. I also believe that after long enough together (like decades), you can grow so close and have so many experiences that you are closer to each other than you could be with anyone one. To me, that is a soulmate. Not the whirlwind romances where you just knew. The relationships where you grow into each other so long you cannot be seperated.

There was certainly luck and chance in meeting my FI, but since I haven''t met all the other people in the world, I can''t say under other circumstances I would not be equally happy with another good fit so I don''t see fate invloved.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/29/2008 5:02:18 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
Hmmmmm.... a tricky one. Do you not think that some days you think your partner is your soulmate and then other days you want to kill him? Or is that just me?? Ha ha!


Seriously though, I think if there is only one person out there for each person then only a very lucky few would ever find them. But I do believe that it is amazing how you can meet someone who you want to spend your life with who you never knew before! I don't know if this is making sense, let me re-phrase it a little. I always think how strange life is that we meet people who we would never had met if cirumstances had been only slightly different. For example, I met my SO in biology class at college. I hadn't wanted to take the class but it was the only one left with a free space and my SO had taken the class the year before but had failed and was re-sitting it. If neither of us had been there we would never have met! Do you see what I am saying? So in some ways I do believe that fate plays a part and maybe does push you together with someone who then perhaps is your soul mate.


I really hope this is making sense!!

I know exactly what you're saying. I am a dork so I sat down and made a list a few weeks ago of all the events I know that led us to meeting. We met while taking a college class as well! It was a study abroad class, but we didn't actually meet until he was seated (alphabetically) next to me on the plane. Haha.

Talking to a hot guy definitely made 14 hours more interesting.

But anyway, I totally understand. So many things came into play and aligned perfectly before we met. It's very fateish to me. I don't believe everything is predetermined necessarily, but I think the choices we make lead us down a path and things fall into place a certain way.

ETA: Sorry that I wasn't talking about soulmates specifically.

 

[Pandora II]

I think there are a number of people in the world who could potential be the perfect partner.

I feel very lucky to be with someone who I do feel is one of those people for me. Since the moment we met it was like coming home and as if we had known each other all our lives. It was a very odd feeling that I have never had before. I knew without a doubt that I would be with him forever (enough to throw away 6 months worth of plans to move back to Italy, a new job and my current SO in 2 hours).

I must admit I don't get this 'working at relationships' thing. FI and I don't put any work into our relationship at all - or at least if its work I hadn't realised. We've been living together for nearly 4 years and have never had an argument (unless you count academic ones on politics - which we both work in) or even raised our voices at each other.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 4/29/2008 6:45:15 PM
Author: Pandora II

I must admit I don''t get this ''working at relationships'' thing. FI and I don''t put any work into our relationship at all - or at least if its work I hadn''t realised. We''ve been living together for nearly 4 years and have never had an argument (unless you count academic ones on politics - which we both work in) or even raised our voices at each other.

I guess when I say working, I mean compromising? And then by that I mean that one person doesn''t always get to do everything they want while the other person sacrifices what they want to do.

Or working to grow together. Or just plain learning about the other person.

Okay so apparently I''ve never thought about it!

We never really fight either, so as soon I need a reason to ''work'', I''ll define it. Hee!

 

[jitterymo]

Date: 4/29/2008 7:09:53 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 4/29/2008 6:45:15 PM
Author: Pandora II

I must admit I don''t get this ''working at relationships'' thing. FI and I don''t put any work into our relationship at all - or at least if its work I hadn''t realised. We''ve been living together for nearly 4 years and have never had an argument (unless you count academic ones on politics - which we both work in) or even raised our voices at each other.

I guess when I say working, I mean compromising? And then by that I mean that one person doesn''t always get to do everything they want while the other person sacrifices what they want to do.

Or working to grow together. Or just plain learning about the other person.

Okay so apparently I''ve never thought about it!

We never really fight either, so as soon I need a reason to ''work'', I''ll define it. Hee!

I totally get what your saying!!! I''m so glad to hear that you guys don''t fight either! My BF and I haven''t had a "fight" ever, and we are working on a 4 year 5 months relationship, and living together 4 months. We have our disagreements and what not but really our relationship never needs "working", but lots of compromising.

And on the other topic of Soulmates...the jury is still out...

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/29/2008 6:45:15 PM
Author: Pandora II
I think there are a number of people in the world who could potential be the perfect partner.

I feel very lucky to be with someone who I do feel is one of those people for me. Since the moment we met it was like coming home and as if we had known each other all our lives. It was a very odd feeling that I have never had before. I knew without a doubt that I would be with him forever (enough to throw away 6 months worth of plans to move back to Italy, a new job and my current SO in 2 hours).

I must admit I don''t get this ''working at relationships'' thing. FI and I don''t put any work into our relationship at all - or at least if its work I hadn''t realised. We''ve been living together for nearly 4 years and have never had an argument (unless you count academic ones on politics - which we both work in) or even raised our voices at each other.

This is how it is for us too. He was in a serious relationship when we met (myspace!

) and just started talking...and kept talking. We had such an instant connection that he knew that if there was someone out there like me that he could talk to for hours and hours and hours, where as he couldn''t spend more than a few minutes talking to his current girlfriend, then he needed to do something about it. So he did. He ended an almost 3 year relationship with a live-in girlfriend on a whim. We had never met in person, or talked on the phone, but we would both spend hours at the computer talking over instant messenger or waiting for the other person to write back to the pages of emails we would send back and forth, and when we met, it was all over. I was done. He was done.

I don''t really get the working at relationships thing either Pandora. We''ve been together for almost two years (on Monday!) and we''ve never had a serious fight, or even an argument. I''ve never been more content and more happy than I am now.

As for soulmates? Who knows? But with BF and my best guy friend (of 10 years) I know that they both have little bits in my soul that they''ve taken over. Of course with the friend, it wasn''t instant-he actually hit a tennis ball into my ear (it had just been pierced) and he spent the whole hour running(I was his tennis teacher at the time). I wouldn''t be the same person without them both.

 

[Aloros]

Hahahaha, well...let me be the first to admit that FI and I do fight. It doesn''t help that we''re both stubborn and we both have a bit of a temper. We rarely disagree on things, but when we do...batten down the hatches! I think it''s pretty much impossible for me to spend this much time with someone and NOT pick a fight at one point or another.

BUT, we fight fair, and it never lasts for long. Aaaaand, it''s usually over something pretty trivial.

Soulmates? I don''t believe it. I believe that FI and I have a very special connection, and that we will always love one another. I knew from the first moment I met him that there was something there, and he felt the same way. He''s my steadfast partner, and despite our disagreements, we are constantly working toward the same goals. He has a way of making me feel like a more awesome version of myself, and vice versa. But what if one of us died? I''d hate to think that he would never again find the same happiness. It doesn''t make sense to me.

So you can call me an optimistic non-believer in soulmates

 

[KimberlyH]

Well, let''s see: I met my husband because I moved into a house he owned, in a city 500 miles away from his home, that he rented to a friend whom he had met while she was working her way through colleege ten years prior to our first meeting in his hometown. I met my roommates through a co-worker --who was renting the room I moved into and decided she wanted to live with her boyfriend within days of my discovering I needed to find a place to live -- at a job that I almost wasn''t hired for.

Now if that isn''t fate I don''t know what is...except that maybe, perchance, it was simply circumstance and choices that led us both to this place.

I don''t believe he is the only person I could have ended up with. There are many intersting men in this world that I find fascinating, amusing, endearing, adorable, and a whole list of other adjectives, just as there are many women in this world he could find intelligent, attractive, and worthy of making a life with. And there are people in my life who fulfill some needs of mine that he does not (family, friends, etc.), and the reverse is true for him. But none of them are my husband, the man I exchanged vows with. So do I believe in soulmates, no. But do I believe I am exactly where I am at this date and time for many reasons, some of which I can comprehend, others I cannot. And I am dedicated to making him my soulmate and life partner, because I choose him and he me and we love one another immensely.

 

[musey]

I don't believe in them, but for a kind of odd reason.

I think if I bought into the whole "one perfect person for every person" thing, I'd be setting myself up for trouble later on. I'd always be questioning whether the guy I married is actually my soul mate, or if I hadn't met mine yet and just jumped the gun... then what happens when I meet someone later on who seems like a better "fit" with me? Then would I be justified in leaving my husband for him because this other guy is my true soul mate??

Okay, maybe that's not the reason I don't believe in soulmates, but it's the reason I'm glad I don't

(all of the above is just how I know my mind would react to such a belief, not what I think other people would do!)


To be fair, I'm also not a person who 'believes' in much. I believe in research and ever-expanding/changing understanding of the world, not fate/karma/religion/etc.

I believe that FI and I are well-suited for each other and that, with much attention paid to our constantly evolving relationship, we can build a very happy life together. Do I believe he is "the one"? Absolutely not. But I do think that he's much better suited to be my partner than 99% of the rest of the world's population!

 

[musey]

RE: working at relationships...

FI and I never had a single 'fight' until we'd been together for over 3 years, living together for one, and in the midst of wedding planning. Then again, it depends what you classify as a 'fight'--in my stifled midwestern family, a fight was obvious annoyance followed by 2 hours of the silent treatment. So our only 'fights' (I think there have been 3 or 4) have consisted of me, already in a bad mood, overreacting to something trivial that he said/did and proceeding to claim that "I'm FINE" for the following hour or so, until I get over it.


I fully expect that we'll have disagreements/arguments once we have 'real' things to deal with--decisions regarding child rearing/discipline/education being the main thing. I find that natural... of course not everyone, as well matched as they may be, will have the same approach to such things. Whether or not it erupts into a fight is more dependent on the personalities of the couple than the health of the relationship, IMO.

I don't think it's all that realistic to expect a relationship to stay blissfully happy for 50+ years without 'work'--and by that, I mean attention to things that can be taken for granted in a relatively newer relationship (sex life, anyone?). I wouldn't necessarily call it 'work,' just effort. I guess. More preventative measures, to keep it from becoming dull, than anything else.


Disclaimer: all that comes from my not-yet-married (coming soon: this fall) in-a-relatively-short-relationship (4.5 years) young (23) point of view, so of course the proverbial grain of salt goes hand-in-hand

 

[gwendolyn]

Not soulmates, no. But there is something about him that''s made me deal with the pain, stress and expense of being in an international long-distance relationship with him for years. Fate has had nothing to do with it; it''s been our choice to work hard to stay together (and yes, it has definitely been work--no sitting back and letting things just fall into place when you life 3500+ miles apart and have different nationalities).

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 4/29/2008 11:09:29 PM
Author: musey
RE: working at relationships...

I don''t think it''s all that realistic to expect a relationship to stay blissfully happy for 50+ years without ''work''--and by that, I mean attention to things that can be taken for granted in a relatively newer relationship (sex life, anyone?). I wouldn''t necessarily call it ''work,'' just effort. I guess. More preventative measures, to keep it from becoming dull, than anything else.

Isn''t that what I said?

Just kidding. I like this definition. And Gwendolyn is a perfect example! Sometimes things can just stop working naturally for the couple, so you make an effort to keep it going. Maybe?

 

[musey]

Date: 4/30/2008 11:27:05 AM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 4/29/2008 11:09:29 PM
Author: musey
RE: working at relationships...

I don't think it's all that realistic to expect a relationship to stay blissfully happy for 50+ years without 'work'--and by that, I mean attention to things that can be taken for granted in a relatively newer relationship (sex life, anyone?). I wouldn't necessarily call it 'work,' just effort. I guess. More preventative measures, to keep it from becoming dull, than anything else.

Isn't that what I said?

Just kidding. I like this definition. And Gwendolyn is a perfect example! Sometimes things can just stop working naturally for the couple, so you make an effort to keep it going. Maybe?

That's how I see it, anyway. I don't personally know any couple that's been together more than 10 years who wouldn't say that they've had to "work" at it, but I don't think that everyone's definition of "work" is the same. Pandora and Freke were saying they don't get the "working at it" thing, and that may be why--their definition of "working at it" may be heavy couples' counseling and long discussions about "us." (Or maybe I'm wrong and they just mean they don't have to make an effort with each other, and it's still blissful? Lucky ladies!!

)

My definition of "working at it," like I said, is simply having to put effort in here and there, watching out for pitfalls and dealing with them as they come, not just letting things be as they are.

 

[Bia]

Negative.

I believe that we can be "soulmates" with various different people in our lifetime and that we probably will never meet all the people we could connect with on that level--unfortunately. The idea of one soulmate is really tragic. Think about it, if there was only one person out there for you (perfect or not) and you never met them...are they really your soulmate? Its too outlandish for me.

Having said that, I do believe my BF is one person who, if he were to walk away from my life, a huge part of me would follow. Unless he cheated on me, in that case, I''d just have to kill him.

hehe

BF is my *chosen* soulmate because I have realized I can''t live without him...

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/30/2008 12:18:06 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/30/2008 11:27:05 AM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 4/29/2008 11:09:29 PM
Author: musey
RE: working at relationships...

I don''t think it''s all that realistic to expect a relationship to stay blissfully happy for 50+ years without ''work''--and by that, I mean attention to things that can be taken for granted in a relatively newer relationship (sex life, anyone?). I wouldn''t necessarily call it ''work,'' just effort. I guess. More preventative measures, to keep it from becoming dull, than anything else.

Isn''t that what I said?

Just kidding. I like this definition. And Gwendolyn is a perfect example! Sometimes things can just stop working naturally for the couple, so you make an effort to keep it going. Maybe?

That''s how I see it, anyway. I don''t personally know any couple that''s been together more than 10 years who wouldn''t say that they''ve had to ''work'' at it, but I don''t think that everyone''s definition of ''work'' is the same. Pandora and Freke were saying they don''t get the ''working at it'' thing, and that may be why--their definition of ''working at it'' may be heavy couples'' counseling and long discussions about ''us.'' (Or maybe I''m wrong and they just mean they don''t have to make an effort with each other, and it''s still blissful? Lucky ladies!!

)

My definition of ''working at it,'' like I said, is simply having to put effort in here and there, watching out for pitfalls and dealing with them as they come, not just letting things be as they are.

My definition of working at it....hmmm...it''s not couples counseling and it''s not long discussions about our relationship. I guess in a way we haven''t had to deal with it-yet.

With us it''s weird. I think having him go through a potentially life ending surgery 3 months into our relationship probably has a lot to do with it. If anything arises between us where I''m suddenly not as happy as normal and feeling some kind of resentment-or whatever else-I make myself take a step back and say, "We are so lucky to have what we have." and put perspective on it. I talked to my mom about the fact that we have talked about marriage and I asked her opinion. She told me that we were nice to each other and that we seemed like a good fit. (This is super high praise from her.)

But the truth is, we don''t have to work at it, if someone is upset or discouraged-or whatever-we talk it out-but with us-it''s easy. It''s not hours and hours of conversation-it''s like-hey this pi$$ed me off, fix it-and we''re done--but THAT has only happened once. Honestly-while I''ve been sitting here thinking about it and typing this up-it is happy and blissful. We don''t take each other for granted. We don''t take advantage of each other. For whatever reason-it is easy. We just don''t fight. Maybe we just have the right combo of personality traits where we can just be happy and not fight or argue or play games. We enjoy each other''s company, and spend as much time together as possible.

Perhaps him having a shorter than normal life expectancy (because of his heart issues) has something to do with that. He will have to go through another surgery in 10-15 years for his heart, and unless there are some major advances in medicine, another one 10-15 years after that-and so on for the rest of his life. Perhaps that is why we take all the time in the world to stop and smell the flowers.

I think that part of it also has to do with our past relationships too. Mine was bad-the guy was possessive, didn''t want me to have guy friends, wanted me to essentially become his ex-that he''d just broken it off with-and in general did not treat me well in the slightest. Luckily it was only 3 months, I didn''t take much of his cr4p. BFs was an almost 3 year relationship with a live-in girlfriend that would pick fights with him-argue, scream and actually FIGHT-like come at him with fists raised. He hadn''t been happy for about 2 years of it at the end, but couldn''t break it off because his mom was dying, and he didn''t want to upset her and she really loved his ex. It wasn''t long after his mom passed away that he met me. November 2005 and then March 2006 is when we met.

So I think, honestly, that it''s a huge combination of factors that puts us where we are. All I have to say is that I am so grateful and feel so lucky to have him in my life and to have the relationship that we have. Our friends have looked at us before and said, "I want what you have."

 

[allycat0303]

I really don''t believe in soulmates. I really like the concept though, but I always think about all those people that you can tell aren''t that well suited but work and work to make their marriage a success (and succeed at it). I am very pragmatic though. I don''t believe in love at first sight either.

I also subscribe to the fact, though, that if you don''t believe in it, it can''t happen to you. Regardless of whether or not it exists for real.

 

[Pandora II]

I've had relationships in the past where I had to work at it - by which I mean compromising on things to an extent where I felt I was losing out, serious disagreements on things and having different values; disliking their friends or feeling that I wasn't always the main priority; feeling that I wasn't listened to; arguing to the extent that you still felt annoyed an hour later, and having to make an effort not to do things that annoyed the other person - or compromising on my 'space' and me time because they didn't have the same need for it as I do.

I think we're very lucky that we are each other's best friend, do everything together despite both being very independent people, and we put each other before any friends or family. We both have the same need for space, the same obsessive interest in our hobbies and are just very similar in a lot of ways.

He's extremely empathetic and has very high emotional intelligence - whereas I have mild Aspergers and very little! If I'm stressed about something he will notice it before I do and ask if I want to talk about what ever is bothering me.

I would like him not to have allergies and not to have a compromised immune system (he has spherocytosis and no spleen) - but that is because his life would be better for him, but other than not drenching the bathroom, I honestly can't think of a single thing I would change about him.

The only compromising we have ever done is over the size of the TV - he wanted 46", I said 32" and we compromised at 36".

Having had some not great relationships myself (I'm his first girlfriend) I am VERY aware that I have something that is wonderful and I am very grateful for that.

 

[musey]

Pandora and Freke, it does seem like simply a difference in the definition of 'work.'

My definition is still just attention paid and effort made. I don't think that it has to feel laborious or uncomfortable before it becomes 'work.' Just watching out for pitfalls and making effort to make the other person feel special. I think that it becomes less natural and begins to feel more like 'work' as time goes on, depending on the couple of course.

But then, I have the most fun job in the world that I LOOOOVE, and I really can't see myself ever wanting to make a career change because I'm wholly obsessed with my job... and I still call it 'work'

So maybe that's where the difference comes in!

 

[FrekeChild]

Perhaps effort=work?

For me, we''re pretty much effortless...I''ve never really tried to talk to him about it, so I don''t know his opinion...

 

[musey]

Date: 4/30/2008 7:51:11 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Perhaps effort=work?

I guess, though there are things I consider 'working on it' that I wouldn't call effort...ful? Effort is hard to define, because while some of the things I do I'd call 'making an effort,' they feel effortless. I guess that falls into the paying attention pile.

ETA: For instance, last year we hit a love life lull. So I made it my job to get us back on track, because I knew his busy schedule was such that he couldn't/wouldn't be able to be the initiating party. I wouldn't exactly call it 'work' or 'effort,' but I would call it 'working on it.' Just the fact that I noticed things were heading in a would-not-be-my-favorite direction (even though I felt happy and satisfied at the time) and made a point of doing something about it.

Perhaps not the best example, and wouldn't apply across the board because different couples have different jive systems on this front... but hopefully you know what I'm getting at!!

 

[FrekeChild]

I think I know what you're trying to say. And I don't think that I could explain it either!

ETA: I just can't think of a time where I've had to make a conscious effort to tweak where we are or what we're doing or anything else. Yet. Always the important word. When I think of words to describe how we get along: effortless, smooth, and seamless come to mind. Yes there are rougher spots than others-mostly when one of us is cranky or not feeling well, but otherwise...like satin baby!

I'm being goofy. I'm tired, sick of finals that haven't happened yet and avoiding studying because my stupid Profs seem to think they have another 6 weeks of class. Seriously-one of my finals is next Wednesday--over 4 chapters-we've gone over ONE of them. He did the same thing this last test-the test was over 4 chapters and he went through 2 of them in 3.5 weeks, leaving the other 2 for one and a half days-and screwed us on the review materials too-and guess what? I got a D. My first D. Everyone that I know in that class got a 20 point lower grade on it than they have been the whole term.

I'm going to go put on some pointy toed stilettos and let him have it up his rear.

Sorry to the OP for the mini rant.