still waiting

[anchor31]

Date: 11/3/2006 11:13:01 AM
Author: always.waiting
but no, checking out #''s on his cell or looking for clues isn''t crazy i don''t think. i remember someone suggesting on here to check out a bf''s cr card statement!
dont'' tell me no one checks their bf''s phone. i''m not looking to see if he''s called girls, i want to see if he''s really doing stuff b/c i''ve been waiting a hell of a long time. me seeing what i saw makes me relax and not bug him. which is what i need to do.

Okay... I''ve been staying away from this one, but I have to chime in. I was a LIW on this board for 9 months. At time it drove me completely insane, you can check my previous topics if you want. But no, I never checked his cellphone, and I never would, even though now we are sharing that phone! Going crazy from waiting is not a reason to invade one''s privacy. If you''re so intent on knowing if he''s working on a ring, my suggestion is to ask him point blank. Being straightforward is my favourite method and it''s also a tested and proven one by many LIWs, including myself. Unless you ask every day, it''s not bugging either.

Date: 11/3/2006 11:13:01 AM
Author: always.waiting
but only the people in it know what they have.
is this how i''m normally like? no. but it''s been 3yrs and it''s down to the wire now, probably just a month or so away, so cut me some slack.

Yup, "just relax" is easier said than done. I know. You seem to think that the former LIWs no longer know what it''s like to be waiting... But believe me, I do remember what it was like to go crazy for 9 months. And at some point, you do need to come to terms with the waiting, because it consumes you and it will eventually affect your relationship.

Since you say that it''s probably just a month or so away, I think you should try to see this last period of waiting positively... It''s just a matter of time, and I''m sure you''d rather be proposed to at a time where you''re excited and happy, not angry and frustrated. Something I did to keep my mind away from the frustration was hunting for wedding ideas. Have you tried that? It''s fun and it''s far from useless since the proposal is coming soon!

Please don''t take this the wrong way, but it seems to me like your frustration is so high that it not only affects your relationship with your boyfriend, but your friendships (are they really being judgmental, or just reasonable?) and even your interaction with people you''ve never met on an online board. Trying to relax is definitely not easy, but it would help you to not only feel better about yourself, but about everyone else.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 11/3/2006 12:24:51 PM
Author:
Ii still harbor doubts, fears, and yes, maybe that comes across as distrust. anyway, i''ll take what you said very seriously and try to make some changes. i''m just so out of sorts over all of this, i''m looking for relief in any form possible.

HI:

AW, given what you said, perhaps you should be seeking the help of a relationship/counselling professional.

kind regards--Sharon

 

[allycat0303]

always.waiting,

It sounds to me like this is a really anxious time for you. I know that when he asked you if you wanted to *know all the details* you said no because you didn''t want to ruin the moment...but maybe it would help to get some vague outline, maybe see where he is in the process. It might help you relax a bit. For example, maybe tell him "how about I just ask you some specific questions, and you answer yes or no because I''m having a hard time being totally in the dark about all this" For example ask him "have you chosen the ring?" And if he says yes, I don''t think you''ve ruined the moment, and it might lessen your anxiety a bit. In any case, I know that I''m a super anxious person, and most of my anxiety usually stems from the unknown. I can''t stand being totally in the dark, or second guessing. If you are worried that he hasn''t started etc (which I''m assuming because you are checking up on him) I think taking a little of the mystery out of it might turn this into a more *anticpation* state of mind. I know you don''t want to ruin the *moment* but I think if you are really angry/frustrated with the whole process leading up to it, it might not feel like such a wonderful moment when it happens.

Just a thought, take care of yourself.

 

[always.waiting]

thanks ally. i think you might understand a little, b/c i''m a very anxiuos person by nature too. i carry a lot of anxiety and it subsides when i''m reassured, but this is something i''m really not handling very well (obviously). my bf has decided to be v. sercret about this. yes he did ask if i "wanted all the details" but i think he was bluffing. yesterday he said he''s not going to tell me anything. so i''m quite sure if i asked some of those ques, he would decline. i think if he gave me a *little* info (like how other bf''s "tease" etc as i''ve read in other threads), it might help. Because i do feel totally in the dark. anyway, i guess it''s what it is and i need to work through this. but i do appreciate the feedback. maybe i''ll try to ask him some vague questions and see if that''s an ok middle ground.
right now i''m just feeling kinda bad about stuff i did/said based on people''s reactions here that it''s making me want to apologise to him and say sorry for being so wacko!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/3/2006 12:24:51 PM
Author: always.waiting
dmbfan, thank you so much. your post was so kind, fair and calm. It just helped me immensely.

mara, ok, i see more now what you're saying and admit you have some points. it's making me see my actions more (acting crazy, not enjoying the moment) and how they might be affecting the outcome. i still think some here might not know all the details and how much i was put through in the past and how it affected my self esteem. things are much better now between us, but i still harbor doubts, fears, and yes, maybe that comes across as distrust. anyway, i'll take what you said very seriously and try to make some changes. i'm just so out of sorts over all of this, i'm looking for relief in any form possible.

kimberly, i don't know, i don't like some of what you said. because it hurt. maybe you're right, but some of those lines just really hurt. dont' worry, i'm not looking for a lengthy explanation (in fact would rather not see it).

My intent was not to hurt you, it just scares me that people allow others to have such power in their lives, even if it is someone you love, but especially someone you love who has caused you so much pain. And again, a proposal isn't going to erase the pain and doubt you have expressed that you feel, in fact it could exacerbate it. I don't know you or your boyfriend, I don't live your life, but your posts concern me, because your life seems so unhappy and you seem so unfulfilled and consumed by this proposal. I am not good at coddling people (ask my husband!), but I am intuitive and emotionally intelligent and my hope is that I provide some insight that you may have missed so that you can re-examine your actions and desires. Perhaps Sharon's suggestion for counseling, alone and then perhaps with your boyfriend, is a great idea. Best of luck to you.

ETA: I didn't intend to make you feel "wacko" either, I just wanted you to think about what your insecurities are bringing you to do. It doesn't sound like checking his cell is something you would normally do, but you did and the concensus seems to be that it isn't normal.

Also ETA DMB: I have nothing to hide either, but I do expect that my husband respect my right to personal space. He has the ability to check my email/phone at any time as I do his, but we don't because that's part of respecting one another.

 

[Becky P]

OK. So, I don''t have anything to add on the checking email, phones, CC statements topic - it''s something I would personally never do. But, since you have checked, and you verified that one of the numbers is, in fact, a diamond store. YIPPIE!!!!!! Sounds like he is definitely taking steps toward a proposal! And, isn''t that what you wanted in the first place? Yes, it''s taken him much, much longer to get there than you wanted, but he''s getting there, and you know for a FACT (even though you know because you snooped). So, stop snooping because you have your answers, and just bask in the glow of knowing that he''s working things out to make you happy!!

Things are going very well for me, thanks for asking always. Ever since the ''BIG'' talk a while back, things have been amazing. He still knows that he''s got until the end of March 2007, which is plenty of time away. But, there have been lots of future related conversations, etc. For example, two weeks ago, we were visiting in Chicago, and I wouldn''t go in the deep end of the pool (I''m TERRIFIED of that drain in the bottom!! I know, totally irrational, but it scares me), and he was like, how are our kids ever going to learn to swim if you''re afraid of the water? He said, I''ll go with you, and he swam with me. He says stuff like that all the time now - what about this with our kids, what about that with our kids,etc... The whole North Carolina job/move is still a possibility, and he''ll be talking with his boss about it today or tomorrow again. But, he clearly knows that I''d be happy to move if we are engaged or married and that I will not be moving if we''re not engaged. Ever since that ''BIG'' talk, I have felt such a sense of calmness about the future because I know he wants to marry me. Of course, I''m hoping for a proposal sooner than later, but we''ll see what happens here, now won''t we?

 

[TravelingGal]

I just wonder for those who have snooped, if they would be fine with it if their men did it to them. Even if you''re not snooping to see if your man is cheating, it is still just wrong IMHO. I''m not on such a high horse (just a pony maybe) that I don''t understand the temptation...I am sure most of us have been there for whatever reason, if it''s just curiosity or boredom, but succumbing to the temptation? If I ever felt like something was going on with my man and another woman, I''d just hire a private detective and let him do the dirty work.

alwayswaiting, first let me start with the disclaimer that this is not directed specifically at you, as I can''t remember your situation offhand...

I just don''t understand all the drama and angst that happens during the LIW period. I don''t mean the ones who are just really excited about the prospect of being engaged and are just sitting on the edge of their seats. I''m not being facetious here...but coming on this board and reading is interesting to me because I just don''t get it, and find it interesting to see why people tie themselves in major knots over it. Why drive yourself crazy? I mean, if the relationship is GOOD, and you know it''s going to happen, and barring the fact that you feel like you''re old and your biological clock is ticking and you must get married quickly, why such freaked out frustration? Is it because you''ve dreamt all your life of being engaged and can''t wait to show the ring to your friends and family and feel it''s so close you can taste it?

What IS it?

(note, I am exempting virgins from answering, as I can certainly understand that wanting to "get on with life" might be a powerful drive.

)

 

[janinegirly]

well i can say that before i was in it, i too did not GET it. i didn't have much interest in marriage in my 20's and seeing older cousins pressure bf's who cringed and eventually ran made me wonder why these women were behaving this way. I've always been practical and yea, a little cynical. Didn't fall for the whole prince charming thing and didn't measure myself by how many valentines cards i got etc.
but now that i'm in it (in a long term relationship, living together, approaching mid30's w/biologcal clock ticking), i see some of the traits coming out in me too! I think it's mostly due to the loss of control..I'm so independent and control every other area of my life. I usually accomplish my goals, and now I'm with this great guy and I have to wait and be conscious of his timeline that's just based on things he can't always communicate?! I know it's not rational, but it's emotional. I think that impatience, coupled with not being used to lack of control, combined with societal/parental pressures and hopes for a family can create this state of mind.
that's how it is for me at least! I also know that my bf is very laid back, and if i was very laid back, we'd never get anything done. i have to push in some areas, and he pushes me in others and we end up being quite complementary.

 

[TravelingGal]

Janinegirly, that is a very interesting, rational response...thanks for taking the time. I''ll have to read up on your other threads, but it doesn''t seem like you''ve gone off the deep end or anything.

We sound a bit alike. Who knows...maybe I didn''t go nuts with wanting to get engaged because I still don''t have any desire for children. I would think that would be a huge factor.

 

[firebirdgold]

It's the lack of control. I don't know about you guys, but I haven't had that little control over my future since 2nd grade!

In a way it's actually a good thing to go through because in a marriage you have to trust the other person with your heart and your future, plus you are giving up a measure of control over the things in your life. So is he, btw.

Always: I suggest that you plan a special date night with your bf. Go out to a nice restaurant or maybe make his favorite dinner with candles and romantic music. Get tickets to some music or arrange for a moon-lit walk. Stuff like that. Just enjoy being together and in love. And don't bring up the engagment at all!

It's just that it sounds like you've both gotten so wound up in the engagement and the ring that you've forgotten why!

Oh, and for the record.. I have never snooped in my fi's stuff. I pay our family plan cell phone bill online and have total access to all the calls and have never once even glanced at it! You either trust the guy or you don't... and if you don't trust him then why the heck would you want to marry him?

Good luck

 

[bee*]

As a LIW too, I know how mad and anxious a time it can be but you really really have to relax. The more you fret and ask your bf the more they back off a bit. Ive been with my bf nearly 7 and a half years and Ive had the panics too. It will happen, you just have to give him a bit more time. If you''re worried because you''re not sure that hes def going to do it, then I think you need to ask him straight out. If you know 100% deep down in your heart that he is definitely doing it, then leave him to it, as hard as it is. I know how hard it can be not to mention it all the time

.
As far as the snooping goes, I dont agree with it. You have to trust him. I have nothing to hide and my boyfriend can look at any a/c''s or phones I have, and vice versa, but we dont bother, as I trust him. I know its the last thing that he will probably want to hear you bring up again but I really think that you need to sit him down and ask him a couple more questions. I feel that you are still a tiny bit uncertain that he isnt going to do it which is why you''re checking up on him a bit.I think knowing his new timeframe, is he working on the ring at the moment and another couple of things like that could put your mind at ease a bit more

 

[marvel]

Date: 11/3/2006 11:13:01 AM
Author: always.waiting
ok suggestions to relax are fair and probably what i need to hear.
but no, checking out #'s on his cell or looking for clues isn't crazy i don't think. i remember someone suggesting on here to check out a bf's cr card statement!
dont' tell me no one checks their bf's phone. i'm not looking to see if he's called girls, i want to see if he's really doing stuff b/c i've been waiting a hell of a long time. me seeing what i saw makes me relax and not bug him. which is what i need to do.
i really don't vent about this stuff to my friends much anymore. b/c they're pretty judgemental (many are married) and think they would never wait 3 yrs and i'm crazy etc etc.
but only the people in it know what they have.
is this how i'm normally like? no. but it's been 3yrs and it's down to the wire now, probably just a month or so away, so cut me some slack.

Never! If I was at the point in our r/l where I felt it was necessary to snoop, it's a r/l that I don't want to be in.

I have been in previous r/l's were I snooped and it was b/c my intuition was correct. It's not fun to be in a r/l where you can't trust the person.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 11/3/2006 1:58:58 PM
Author: bee*
As a LIW too, I know how mad and anxious a time it can be but you really really have to relax. The more you fret and ask your bf the more they back off a bit. Ive been with my bf nearly 7 and a half years and Ive had the panics too. It will happen, you just have to give him a bit more time. If you're worried because you're not sure that hes def going to do it, then I think you need to ask him straight out. If you know 100% deep down in your heart that he is definitely doing it, then leave him to it, as hard as it is. I know how hard it can be not to mention it all the time

.

As far as the snooping goes, I dont agree with it. You have to trust him. I have nothing to hide and my boyfriend can look at any a/c's or phones I have, and vice versa, but we dont bother, as I trust him. I know its the last thing that he will probably want to hear you bring up again but I really think that you need to sit him down and ask him a couple more questions. I feel that you are still a tiny bit uncertain that he isnt going to do it which is why you're checking up on him a bit.I think knowing his new timeframe, is he working on the ring at the moment and another couple of things like that could put your mind at ease a bit more

It might help if in future conversations you made it clear that it's not that you don't trust him or think that he's not really moving forward, but that it's the lack of control and a lack of control makes people feel helpless and scared.


ETA: oh and I think canuck-girl has a good point. Even after the proposal there might be some lingering feelings of resentment and that can be so poisonous to a relationship!

 

[always.waiting]

ok, i just want to clarify that my issues lie in lack of control and the resulting anxiety. i have expressed this to him (when i first started to feel anxious). I explained that the situation makes me anxious b/c i feel like i have no control and it''s hard to think of the future, with no concrete knowledge. i also explained that there was the side effect of it affecting my self esteem as well.
anyway, i think sometimes he listens but doesn''t really LISTEN. Like he thinks just allowing me to vent is enough, so I''m not sure he understands how it affects me deeply.
And also, the snooping I did was an attempt to gain some tangible reassurance that he was doing something. Not so much a lack of trust or that I thought he was dong something bad, and intuition was kicking in. B/c i do agree that''s indicative of something wrong in the relationship. I just wanted to see if he was planning stuff. Some bf''s drop hints, mine is tougher to crack than the Da Vinci code. I''m not trying to get you all to condone it, but i do think there are some assumptions being made.

 

[TravelingGal]

alwayswaiting, while I am a "shades of gray" kind of person, I guess I just don''t understand the snooping, for whatever reason. You said you did it to see if there was anything going on re:the engagement process and that it made you feel better. Isn''t there anything else out there that would make you feel better besides snooping for clues? And it sounds to me like you are needing affirmation in your relationship rather than the hopes of an impending engagement.

And about control...I think it''s been said here before that the LIWs have more control than they think. I certainly can sympathize with how out of control things can feel when you are in a good relationship, want to have kids and just want to get things moving (as in indie jones case), but you''ve already put some deadlines in place with your man which have passed and not much has been done on your end.

I think sometimes that we women give up control, then complain that we have none.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I think the issue here is that she doesn''t trust him as he has promised he would propose many times by a certain date. She wasn''t sure that he was going to at all. ( I can relate to this because this is exactly what happened with my DH and I). He kept giving me lines like ''by year end'' and each holiday, romantic trip, etc, I was disappointed. And I totally understand that AW is concerned because she is older and probably wants to have children someday.

However, AW, I think you pretty much have confirmation now that he IS doing something. He has contacted a diamond dealer. Did that help you feel better at all? I know it would have me.

I don''t think that she did or did not trust him signaled anything horrible about her relationship. You can''t know what is going on in other people''s brains. How many women swear their husband would never ever cheat on them? But yet something like 30% of men do at some point. (Disclaimer: Not sure of statistic). I do think he should be more forthcoming and communicative but that is not his style. Again, I can relate to that as my husband is frustratingly incommunicative at times.

AW: I really hope you can try to relax and enjoy your time now. Once you are married and have a couple of bambinos, you will look back on this time and I hope you can do it positively.
Keep venting to us. I know it is frustrating not to be able to talk to your bf about certain things. But maybe we can understand better than he can because obviously, he will never be a LIW. I think whoever said it had to do with being in control or not of your life made a good point.

 

[Maria D]

always.w, if it makes you feel any better, I check my husband's CC statement every single month and I don't consider myself a crazy snoop. He doesn't even look at the thing; I look it over and make sure there's nothing that looks "off," and then I pay the bill. I pay all the bills, so when the cell phone bill comes I scan over his calls to make sure he isn't calling 411 too often. (He's got mobile web for looking up numbers, no calling 411 at $1.25 a pop!) And yes, I've even gone into his phone and put numbers called or received into his contact list so that he will have them saved and not call 411. (Can you tell we once had a bill with way too many 411 charges on it, LOL.) So I don't htink you need to be imprisoned and treated to water torture for looking into his phone calls -- even though the reason you did is quite different from the reasons I do the above.

The big issue here is YOU DON'T TRUST HIM. You know what? I don't blame you! You seem to be intimating that if people knew all the details, they'd understand. I only know the details you shared (that I happened to read; I'm sure I've missed a few) and I can totally understand why you don't trust him.

I could see how, even knowing that he called a diamond dealer, you would not be reassured. Who knows how the call went? Maybe he's got something in the works and maybe not. Maybe he doesn't give details because he wants to surprise you or maybe there are no details to give. Who really knows? The two of you seem incapable of having a meaningful, tangible, discussion about this which is just as much his fault as yours, yet you allow yourself to take all the responsibility. If you ask too much, he'll just take longer (like that's not completely childish on his part). If you want to know details then you'll spoil the surprise (like he deserves to even have an element of surprise after he was explicitly told that you did not want to live together longer than 6 months before being engaged.) You take the responsibility for setting the "Labor Day deadline" when it was he that backed you into it!

What I don't understand is why *you* continue to let him have all this power over you. You say the situation makes you anxious because you have no control. You have complete control over YOURSELF. The problem is you just won't use it. I second the idea of therapy and I really don't mean this in a nasty way. As harsh as I sound I really do feel for you. I think a therapist could help you figure out why you keep behaving in a way that is making you overwrought with anxiety. Because even though you think he is "doing this" to you, it is you that makes the choice to keep this going. Your options are to accept things as they are or to take some action and you are doing neither.

The danger is that if you don't figure out what it is about yourself that causes you to do this, the problem will continue to go on whether you stay with this man or end up with someone else.

 

[Julian]

If someone is snooping because of distrust, that''s one thing. I would never do that and I would be a little upset if my then-bf snooped on my cell phone. But in a serious relationship, there is nothing to hide so there is no need to snoop. I don''t know... snooping in cell phones seems highly personal, even though it''s just a piece of plastic. It''s like a journal of sorts, with text messages and the like, so that''s why it feels so intrusive...

But what about the childish glee of looking for Christmas presents under the bed? I''d like to think always.waiting was kind of doing that. Sounds like it''s a mix of both distrust and some amount of girlish impatience. Maybe all the waiting and anxiety gave way to temporary insanity!

 

[always.waiting]

maria d- i laughed at the comment about water torture. well i don''t think it''s quite as dire as you say although i take your points to heart about me being overwrought w/anxiety and maybe needeing to get to the bottom of that. i''m pretty self aware (I hyperanalyze everything). I guess I have some self-esteem issues that don''t stem from anything disturbing, but lead me to think negatively and blame myself. So that affects how I look at things sometime. I have to try to work on that I guess. As for my bf, like Alisonfaye said, he is not good at communication. I don''t think it''s so much that we haven'' had a meaningful discussion on the future, we''ve had plenty, but that my bf doesn''t feel details of the proposal are up for detailed discussions. He also knows how curiuos and impatient I get (or snoopy I suppose!) and is locking down. Unfortunately it''s making my anxiety worse. I''m pretty sure he was calling the dealer to confirm something or arrange pick up.
And I don''t think it was something dark and deceptive i was doing, I looked at today''s and yesterday''s calls only and b/c i thought maybe he''d been working on something. I reallly dont'' care about any other calls/texts or whatever. And we both always throw our phones on the ledge in the kitchen. A lot of our stuff is interchangeable.
Anyway, I can''t explain everything, I''d be here forever! I''m just going to sit tight and see what happens the next few weeks! Despite the pounding I''ve taken here, I don''t regret finding the # (I also spotted a diamond dealer card in his pile of stuff..oh boy, the knives will be out for me now b/c now I know it''s happening! thanks for letting me vent though..it helps which is kind of ironic. and i may be back for more

 

[Maria D]

Date: 11/3/2006 4:18:57 PM
Author: always.waiting
I'm just going to sit tight and see what happens the next few weeks! Despite the pounding I've taken here, I don't regret finding the # (I also spotted a diamond dealer card in his pile of stuff..

Well good for you! If it helps, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "I have control and I'm taking control. I am choosing to sit tight and see what happens next. I'm glad I sought out and found the info I found because the info helps me. I have nothing to feel guilty or upset about. I AM IN CONTROL." Because you are. You truly are in control of your own actions.

Good luck always!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/3/2006 4:18:57 PM
Author: always.waiting
maria d- i laughed at the comment about water torture. well i don''t think it''s quite as dire as you say although i take your points to heart about me being overwrought w/anxiety and maybe needeing to get to the bottom of that. i''m pretty self aware (I hyperanalyze everything). I guess I have some self-esteem issues that don''t stem from anything disturbing, but lead me to think negatively and blame myself. So that affects how I look at things sometime. I have to try to work on that I guess. As for my bf, like Alisonfaye said, he is not good at communication. I don''t think it''s so much that we haven'' had a meaningful discussion on the future, we''ve had plenty, but that my bf doesn''t feel details of the proposal are up for detailed discussions. He also knows how curiuos and impatient I get (or snoopy I suppose!) and is locking down. Unfortunately it''s making my anxiety worse. I''m pretty sure he was calling the dealer to confirm something or arrange pick up.
And I don''t think it was something dark and deceptive i was doing, I looked at today''s and yesterday''s calls only and b/c i thought maybe he''d been working on something. I reallly dont'' care about any other calls/texts or whatever. And we both always throw our phones on the ledge in the kitchen. A lot of our stuff is interchangeable.
Anyway, I can''t explain everything, I''d be here forever! I''m just going to sit tight and see what happens the next few weeks! Despite the pounding I''ve taken here, I don''t regret finding the # (I also spotted a diamond dealer card in his pile of stuff..oh boy, the knives will be out for me now b/c now I know it''s happening! thanks for letting me vent though..it helps which is kind of ironic. and i may be back for more

Well then, why doncha tell him that you did it?

 

[Julian]

Well....YAY! Sounds like he IS on the right track!

Now you can chill out and enjoy the anticipation. No more Secret Agent Always.Waiting!

 

[Butterflies]

I honestly think that the only way you will feel better is when he actually proposes. He has given you all the information that you need to know: He is working on it. If he would have said that he wasn''t ready or something like that then I would understand where you were coming from but I think that your axiety my mean something deeper is going on. It is worth exploring, for your own sake. Just my 2 cents.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 11/3/2006 3:44:05 PM
Author: Maria D
... the reason you did is quite different from the reasons I do the above.

The big issue here is YOU DON''T TRUST HIM. You know what? I don''t blame you! You seem to be intimating that if people knew all the details, they''d understand. I only know the details you shared (that I happened to read; I''m sure I''ve missed a few) and I can totally understand why you don''t trust him.

The two of you seem incapable of having a meaningful, tangible, discussion about this which is just as much his fault as yours, yet you allow yourself to take all the responsibility. If you ask too much, he''ll just take longer (like that''s not completely childish on his part). If you want to know details then you''ll spoil the surprise (like he deserves to even have an element of surprise after he was explicitly told that you did not want to live together longer than 6 months before being engaged.) You take the responsibility for setting the ''Labor Day deadline'' when it was he that backed you into it!


What I don''t understand is why *you* continue to let him have all this power over you. You say the situation makes you anxious because you have no control. You have complete control over YOURSELF. The problem is you just won''t use it.

Amen, Maria.

I haven''t been following this thread, but when I read people''s reaction to the ''cell phone snoop'' it caught my attention. My reaction was ''shrug''. I don''t see what the big deal is.

Live by the sword, die by the sword, IMHO. If he is going to ignore your need for reassurance and refuse to give you something concrete, however small, I figure he has what''s coming to him. It''s his job you convince you that he DOES want to marry you, and the proposal IS coming. That it''s not a matter of ''If'' but ''When''. I don''t hear that from your posts. That security and faith isn''t there. You seem just as distressed and alarmed as ever.

I despise the idea of men lording the ''suspense'' over their girlfriends'' heads. If it''s your future too, so you should have a say in how it happens. If he dangles a ring/proposal over your head like a doggie treat, he has no grounds to protest anything your desperation drives you to do.

If this isn''t ''normal'' behaviour for you, the circumstances are provoking it. I''d question the circumstances, then, before I pointed a finger at you and denounced your behaviour.

So I''d look at what is making you so desperate as to act out of character. If you plan to make a future with this man, I''d recommend working on developing your communication, because based on what you''ve told us so far, it''s lackluster if not destructive.

A sudden thought: have you ever lost motivation in a relationship or interest in someone because they were trying too hard? I have. I am wondering if your desperate behaviour is doing more than just tempting you to snoop through his phone.

Bottom line, he''s not holding up his end. I''m not saying he should be proposing ASAP, but he should be reassuring you and making you feel loved and wanted. I don''t hear that.

I hope things improve. All the best.