Take me off the list

[amc80]

So for the last 5 years he has been sitting on the idea that this relationship will end. Why did he not 'man up' and end it, or let you know so you could work it out together?

This pisses me off more than I can explain. It's so selfish!!!

Agreed. My ex told me he had been thinking about breaking up for a year or something crazy, and I was like "um, thanks for wasting my time." And that was a year. I can't even image 5 years.

 

[janinegirly]

So for the last 5 years he has been sitting on the idea that this relationship will end. Why did he not 'man up' and end it, or let you know so you could work it out together?

This pisses me off more than I can explain. It's so selfish!!!
Also, I agree that you need someone who doesn't know you or your situation to hear your side of things and sympathize with you, but I don't think they will ever say he didn't love you, even though that's what you want to hear. They'll probably agree that he was selfish and that you should move forward but I think we all can agree on that. The counselor should really just be for you to say it all aloud- all the things you're too afraid to say to yourself right now. And then you leave it with the counselor, in that room, and you walk away from it.
I'm so angry for you. The only advice I can give you, and everyone's saying it, just focus on yourself and keep moving forward.

I feel angry for you too GG. I hope you soon will feel the anger too, as strange as that sounds...it will help you process the rest. When I read your last post, I couldn't help but feel like virtually shaking you - you have been passive in this relationship too long! You never really wanted marriage until you realized you might want kids? How could it have taken so long - 35 is not old, I married at 36 and had a baby that year and have countless friends who waited longer (I lived in NYC afterall!), but the point is you seem to have been chugging along without speaking up until the last possible minutes, only to have him say "ooops, changed my mind and was just fooling!" I know you are feeling down, but I hope you can see the value in standing up for yourself now and see the value of you wants, needs, timeline!! Please don't think "oh maybe he'll come back like he did 6 years ago", or "he must love me, right?" It's not in his court anymore, he gave up that option when he asked you to move to your mom's and broke up with you again. And if he did come back, then what, another 6 years? I think counseling is a great idea along with investing time in something that builds esteem during this difficut time - hang out with your best g-friends, buy a hot pair of shoes or purse, whatever it takes .

 

[decodelighted]

I'm getting EVEN MORE steamed! Did he know you want kids? I mean HOW INFURIATING to wait til the eve of your 35th birthday and then be all "Oops -- how 'bout you move on out now, mmmmkay?"

Not saying you won't get everything you want ANYWAY .. with someone ELSE ... but it certainly puts you in more of a time crunch than you would have been OTHERWISE.

I read your quote above about not even really thinking its real yet because he "came back" last time & had "changed his mind" .... but ... HE DIDN'T REALLY. He DIDN'T CHANGE HIS MIND. And *now* you KNOW THAT. Would you really just take him back? Now? With all that you know? That he could be so cavalier about things? And send you "home to Mom" on a random Thursday? Out of the blue? I HOPE NOT -- but that's where the therapist will step in ....

Wishing you lots and lots and lots of strength/courage/wisdom/self care & comfort during this transition to the next stage of your exciting life.

 

[GamerGirl]

I'm getting EVEN MORE steamed! Did he know you want kids? I mean HOW INFURIATING to wait til the eve of your 35th birthday and then be all "Oops -- how 'bout you move on out now, mmmmkay?"

Not saying you won't get everything you want ANYWAY .. with someone ELSE ... but it certainly puts you in more of a time crunch than you would have been OTHERWISE.

I read your quote above about not even really thinking its real yet because he "came back" last time & had "changed his mind" .... but ... HE DIDN'T REALLY. He DIDN'T CHANGE HIS MIND. And *now* you KNOW THAT. Would you really just take him back? Now? With all that you know? That he could be so cavalier about things? And send you "home to Mom" on a random Thursday? Out of the blue? I HOPE NOT -- but that's where the therapist will step in ....

Wishing you lots and lots and lots of strength/courage/wisdom/self care & comfort during this transition to the next stage of your exciting life.

Right now - at this moment - I totally agree with you. I see now that after our break he let us continue down the same path that "wasn't working" for him before without ever bringing anything up or having a good discussion about it. My part in this is letting that happen and not pushing and prodding for us to take it to the next level. As janinegirly pointed out - I see that I have been really passive - and that is something that I kind of realized when he first said that he was freaking out (and I did a bunch of reading/introspection) -- that in my efforts to not be the naggy girlfriend I let everything slide and didn't take control to direct things exactly where I wanted to go. In looking back now it seems that I became more re-active in the relationship and worked like hell to make things better when issues came up but didn't necessarily put in the daily effort to make things better or awesome or whatever. It's sad for me to think that maybe I could have saved this whole thing if I would have realized earlier what was going on - but it's water under the bridge now and I have to move forward not dwell (i'm hoping the therapist can help me with that too)

I think his timing will be something that I can focus on with anger. I can definitely feel that coming once I get past the heartbreak a little more. I'm sure I am still in a bit of denial and love him and want to defend him -- so I'm sure that's infuriating to everyone.

I'm kind of using these postings as a sound board for my random thoughts to help me get through the day and to try to process everything that is happening - so if my posts start to jump around it's mostly cause my thoughts are all over the place. Thanks for everyone's patience and continued advice/good thoughts.

 

[suchende]

I don't want to be the downer here, but is there *any chance* that he met someone else? I'm just saying this because a similar situation happened with a friend of mine. Things seemed contented, but there were underlying problems that had been swept under the rug. Then one day he pulled the plug and was so convinced that it was the right thing to end the relationship. They tried to work through it, but he said that there was something missing and they ended it as amicably as possible. She spent months being blindsided, but we found out later that he had met a new coworker and spent a lot of time getting to know the coworker on business trips, long talks, etc. Then it all started to make sense how he was disengaging and was in love with someone else.

Maybe this has nothing to do with your situation, but keep your eyes open over the next few months. Regardless, hang in there - things will get better.

I don't think anything good can come of keeping her eyes open to this possibility or trying to confirm it. It's not going to hurt any more or less if there's another woman, and she needs to move on from this relationship either way.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I am going to be honest with you...

It sounds like you managed to dodge a huge bullet here. Marriage, children...those aren't things to be wishy-washy about, and this guy of yours was nothing if not wishy-washy. You don't want that...no one wants that. Flakey friends and spouses are two of the most undesirable things a person can have. Ick.

I know it sucks, you were together for a LONG time. But, I want to echo Deco here, the relationship may have run it's course and you just happened to live out the duration as a couple, but not a married couple.

I think the counseling route is brilliant. How many time have we, as posters, begged someone in your situation to "go see a counselor" only to have it fall upon deaf ears (or rather, blind eyes...whatever). DO IT. We don't suggest it because we have nothing better to do, it actually does work. You need to figure this out on your terms and a counselor will help, a lot.

I think "dating" is a crummy idea. It's like dieting by only eating one Big Mac a day. You may reach your goal, but you'll be starving in the meantime and getting to the end in an unhealthy way. You can't go back to casual dating after 15 years. That ship has sailed, girl. It's just a new form of torture he's created to string you along just a little bit further. Enough is enough. Meeting you for drinks isn't going to solidify your worth more so than the past 15 years should have. People date to get to know each other, you know him and he knows you...so what exactly is the point? He's giving you crumbs here, and you're worth way, way more than that. Plus, let us not forget, dating will not satisfy you--it may make him feel better, keeping you in the wings while he's off doing whatever it is he wants to do in the meantime...but you knew what your course was with him, you wanted marriage...this is all just a game, so don't play along.

Doctors always appreciate a "clean break" when they are looking to heal someone. A clean break gives the patient a better chance at healing and recovering. Messy breaks aren't so great. Doesn't mean the patient won't be in a cast, doesn't mean they won't need PT or bed rest or a few months to rebound, but it does mean that it's easier to get over and move past. So, apply that philosophy to your life. A clean break will give you the best chance at moving onward and upward.

Sorry, I know this hurts...but you're going to be okay. Trust me. Everyone is always okay.

 

[TwinkleStar]

Hi GamerGirl, huge HUGS to you and lots of love!

Your ex makes me so mad! That is so irresponsible of him and very immature. You deserve better. It may not feel like it right now, but you know in your heart it's true.

The ladies here have already given some great advice. Not being in your shoes, it's unimaginable to know what you're going through, but my heart hurts for you. Having had massive heartbreak in the past, I do know that it feels like you've lost something amazing, you will never feel the same for anyone else, and you will never experience the same kind of happiness again. But, as the ladies have said and I'm here to reiterate: THAT IS NOT TRUE. You will mourn for a while, but it WILL get easier, you WILL start to feel like yourself again, you WILL have more meaningful relationships in your life, and you WILL be just as happy, if not happier in the future. It never seems like it ever will get better when you're in the middle of it, but know that you will get there.

Also, please don't blame yourself for not being able to "save" this relationship. Please don't take that burden on yourself. Your ex absolutely led you on, and the burden is on him. If there are things you learned about yourself to take to future relationships, take those. He could not save this relationship because he was not willing to make a meaningful change when he had a chance to have you back (six years ago), and now, he's lost you. You will look back and realize it's his loss, not yours. Hang in there.

 

[iugurl]

I am SO sorry you are going through this.

 

[GamerGirl]

Thanks all - had a nice dinner at my friends' house last night. It was a good change of pace to be out doing something but a little weird at the same time cause it felt like they were treating me almost like a little kid they had to take care of.

I changed my facebook status to "single" and it was nice/sad to get a bunch of posts/messages from folks. Even his sister and sister-in-laws messaged me to say how much this sucked and that he was a big dummy. One of his SILs demanded that we remain friends and I think it will be ok to stay in touch with her - we always got along fabulously and she was a ton of fun - I guess I'll take a try it and see approach and if it makes it harder to move on I'll limit communication with her for a while. The ex wasn't on facebook so I don't have to worry about unfriending or seeing his posts on mutual friend's.

I really don't think it is likely that there is someone else - I mean anything is possible I guess, but since we lived together and he wasn't ever away from the house without me for any long extended periods of time - plus he had no issues with asking me to check his phone to see who texted/called and I would think that if there were someone else he would have been more guarded with that? I don't really think it matters at this point and I'm not sure that I really want to find out if there is.

I think this journey to my new life will be a whole ton of baby steps. I meant to call the counselling group last night but chickened out - I will FORCE myself to do it tonight. I am definitely trying my darndest to take steps forward.

Thanks again all for your comments/advice - I'm trying to keep reading and re-reading everything to give me confidence that everything will be okay eventually.

 

[confusedaisy]

I am going to be honest with you...

It sounds like you managed to dodge a huge bullet here. Marriage, children...those aren't things to be wishy-washy about, and this guy of yours was nothing if not wishy-washy. You don't want that...no one wants that. Flakey friends and spouses are two of the most undesirable things a person can have. Ick.

I know it sucks, you were together for a LONG time. But, I want to echo Deco here, the relationship may have run it's course and you just happened to live out the duration as a couple, but not a married couple.

I think the counseling route is brilliant. How many time have we, as posters, begged someone in your situation to "go see a counselor" only to have it fall upon deaf ears (or rather, blind eyes...whatever). DO IT. We don't suggest it because we have nothing better to do, it actually does work. You need to figure this out on your terms and a counselor will help, a lot.

I think "dating" is a crummy idea. It's like dieting by only eating one Big Mac a day. You may reach your goal, but you'll be starving in the meantime and getting to the end in an unhealthy way. You can't go back to casual dating after 15 years. That ship has sailed, girl. It's just a new form of torture he's created to string you along just a little bit further. Enough is enough. Meeting you for drinks isn't going to solidify your worth more so than the past 15 years should have. People date to get to know each other, you know him and he knows you...so what exactly is the point? He's giving you crumbs here, and you're worth way, way more than that. Plus, let us not forget, dating will not satisfy you--it may make him feel better, keeping you in the wings while he's off doing whatever it is he wants to do in the meantime...but you knew what your course was with him, you wanted marriage...this is all just a game, so don't play along.

Doctors always appreciate a "clean break" when they are looking to heal someone. A clean break gives the patient a better chance at healing and recovering. Messy breaks aren't so great. Doesn't mean the patient won't be in a cast, doesn't mean they won't need PT or bed rest or a few months to rebound, but it does mean that it's easier to get over and move past. So, apply that philosophy to your life. A clean break will give you the best chance at moving onward and upward.

Sorry, I know this hurts...but you're going to be okay. Trust me. Everyone is always okay.

THIS!! Everything she said is spot on.

It's time to move forward, call a counselor, and go to that first session. The first one is the scariest but you feel so liberated afterwards. Go- you won't regret it.

As far as being friends with his sister- that's up to you. Personally, I was good friends with an ex and his sister wanted to remain friends afterwards, and even said he was so stupid to have let me go, but I knew then it wouldn't make sense to remain friends with her. She was a nice girl, but he had hurt me and she was a memory of that. It took me a few months to completely forget about him and I don't know if I could have done it as quickly had she remained in my life (this was also right before Facebook was as big as it is today- I certainly couldn't have dealt with seeing pictures of him on her page or hearing about any family outings). It was easier to cut all the cords and move forward. Our relationship wasn't as serious as yours was which makes me think moving forward may take longer than it did for me in that situation. I really feel that you moving forward and trying not to look back is the best advice any of us can give you.

 

[Parsley]

GamerGirl - I've posted a reply to you on my thread, but I just had another look over yours and remembered something I meant to mention. You said you were going to use this as a sounding board for all your thoughts and feelings. YES. DO THAT. The girls here are unbelievable, and you know none of us will judge you for any decisions you make, whether we agree with them or not. The advice and support I got here was second to none, and I urge you to see this place as more than a place to talk about engagements and happiness. I took a big long break from here because I couldn't bear to see everyone so happy, which was kinda selfish of me. Yes, take a break if you need it, but don't forget that we are all here to help with ANYTHING you need.

P
xx

 

[pancake]

Hi GamerGirl - I am so sorry to read your story, but wanted to add my voice to the crowd telling you it will be okay.

I am now married, but about 4 years ago went through an awful break-up with a live-in partner. I did not see it coming at all, and in fact had been thinking we were on the road to marriage. We had lived together for 3 years, together for 4, so nothing like the timescale of your relationship but the themes were the same. At the time I was completely floored, devastated, non-functional. I lost about 7kg and my life just felt like it totally narrowed, somehow - I couldn't read books, listen to music, eat, etc.

People at the time kept telling me I would be ok and that I just had to grimly get through. There were many times I just found it impossible to believe that this was true. I made all the usual mistakes - calling my ex, emailing, keeping in contact, engaging in discussion. I would take a couple of steps forward and then hurtle back to the start again. I felt like my best friend had been ripped away from me, but as a friend pointed out, if he broke up with me, then he wasn't my best friend, was he?

All the advice is correct. Finish up the practicalities of severing ties as soon as possible - don't let it drag like I did. Get your property out of the house, make sure the bills are all sorted, make sure that you have no joint assets or joint services. Redirect your mail. Remove any reason to have contact with him.

Do NOT make contact with him. In the future you may be able to have contact with him without issue, but that isn't going to be any time soon or in the short-to-medium-term future. My personal advice is also that you should not maintain a friendship with his sister at the moment. Perhaps you could make it clear to her that you would like to, but just not right now - not while he still occupies this position of importance in your heart and mind.

You will feel bereft and like there is a gaping hole, but the hole contracts, and other people join your life to make the hole seem smaller over time until it will no longer be something you even think about - not yet, but it will happen.

 

[Skychick]

I am sorry you are going through this. I recently was told by my ex of 7 years that he doesn't love me in a romantic way anymore but he still wants to be friends. He says that right at this moment he feels we will never get back together but he doesn't know the future so things can change. That kept me holding on for a while. But then he said this to someone else very recently "No matter how hard you try, you can't love someone into loving you back". That stuck a cord with. My love wasn't enough FOR HIM, but it will be for someone else. I know it hurts - I am still in the crying phase but this is not all there is. There will be someone else for you and me. I work in a male dominated industry and my co-workers that know about this are showing me so much more compassion than my ex has in a while. So I know there are good men out there.

Feel free to PM me and we can work through this together.

Edited to say that I turn 37 this year...

 

[GamerGirl]

I am sorry you are going through this. I recently was told by my ex of 7 years that he doesn't love me in a romantic way anymore but he still wants to be friends. He says that right at this moment he feels we will never get back together but he doesn't know the future so things can change. That kept me holding on for a while. But then he said this to someone else very recently "No matter how hard you try, you can't love someone into loving you back". That stuck a cord with. My love wasn't enough FOR HIM, but it will be for someone else. I know it hurts - I am still in the crying phase but this is not all there is. There will be someone else for you and me. I work in a male dominated industry and my co-workers that know about this are showing me so much more compassion than my ex has in a while. So I know there are good men out there.

Feel free to PM me and we can work through this together.

Edited to say that I turn 37 this year...

Ugh - this seems pretty close to what I've got too. I'm not really sure how to PM otherwise I totally would - it would be awesome to chat with someone who is going through a super similar situation.

 

[GamerGirl]

Well - today was my first meet with the counselor. So far it was just talking about what the situation was and what I was looking for from her ( I actually didn't really have an answer aside from "listen to me bawl at you and help me figure out how to get past this mess").

So - after crying my way through the whole story for about 45 minutes she gave me some exercises, a book to pick up and set up a meeting in 2 weeks. One of the exercises is to write 4 things that were "pro" of the relationship and 4 things that were "con". And then the same amount for being OUT of the relationship.

I actually hadn't been crying all that much this week/weekend so far so it was really weird that so many tears came through talking to this stranger. I guess that is what therapy is for??

I haven't spoken, emailed , texted or had any contact with J since I picked up some more stuff almost a week and a half ago. I still have many minutes during the course of the day/week that I see something or have something happen and the first thought that pops in my head is "oh - I totally have to tell J this". Of course I don't tell him and I've tried telling other people but a lot of things they just don't get or don't think is as interesting as we always did. I'm sure eventually I'll figure out someone that has the weird sense of humor and offbeat interests that I do.

I would go clear out all of my stuff from the house right now - but since it is all in the separate upstairs unit and i have no where to go with it right now I think it can just stay there. I'm sure that once I'm ready to pick it all up I cold have someone contact J or I could just text him to be out of the house when I am going to pick it all up. I don't go over there at all and I don't really think about all that stuff so I don't think it is holding me back from moving forward.

I've started browsing through rental options to just see what is out there - and to give me ideas of where exactly I would want to be living. It is kind of neat to think I can go and pick out some new furniture (I'll need a bed at the least) and new bedding/decorations. Luckily I have some money saved up so I can splurge just a little bit when the time comes and get some cute stuff.

I'm trying to focus on the good things that CAN happen in the future and not the crappy stuff that has happened in the recent past. We shall see how that all pans out....

ETA - thanks all for the hugs and positive thoughts. I seriously log on and read through everything whenever I'm feeling a bit hopeless and it actually helps to see everyone saying "it will get better"

 

[FrekeChild]

Well it will get better! Promise!

And sometimes you just need to cry it out. I think that list is a great idea. Pro and Con lists can really help out a lot...

 

[Skychick]

I have my first meeting with the therapist this Friday and I know I am just going to cry through the session too. She wants me to have a list of what I want out of therapy and my priorities too. But how do you say that you want to move on but yet you want him to change his mind at the same time????

And yes, I still want to tell my ex everything too. And although I talk a tough talk, I still hope my ex will change his mind. I need to get over that and I am stuck. It's that stupid thing he said that he may feel different in the future. We IM'd a bit Sunday night and he said he didn't want to talk but then he ended up calling me. Talk about mixed messages.... I need to get out of this cycle. He does know I am going to therapy and I asked him to think about coming with me. God, I am a mess.

 

[GamerGirl]

I have my first meeting with the therapist this Friday and I know I am just going to cry through the session too. She wants me to have a list of what I want out of therapy and my priorities too. But how do you say that you want to move on but yet you want him to change his mind at the same time????

And yes, I still want to tell my ex everything too. And although I talk a tough talk, I still hope my ex will change his mind. I need to get over that and I am stuck. It's that stupid thing he said that he may feel different in the future. We IM'd a bit Sunday night and he said he didn't want to talk but then he ended up calling me. Talk about mixed messages.... I need to get out of this cycle. He does know I am going to therapy and I asked him to think about coming with me. God, I am a mess.

What my lady said is that no one can know what will happen in the future - maybe he will change his mind and maybe he will not - but you should focus on yourself right now. Get yourself past this and then if he does come back you can evaluate if that is still something you want. Be strong - you can do it Seriously - crying my eyes out at the therapist did wonders (not that I am "fixed" or anything but it took a huge weight off my heart to put it all out there)

When I was first packing up my stuff my ex told me that I could just stay in the upstairs unit if I wanted. Luckily I was strong enough to say no and get the heck out. In talking to my mom about it later she thought that it would just make it convenient for him -- he has already told me he doesn't love me so all responsibility is gone from his end, and yet I would still be there with ready access for him (and most likely weakness on my part ) in case he felt like he wanted some companionship for whatever reason.

I just keep thinking to myself "Am I willing to put myself and my life on hold for the off chance that he will somehow wake up and realize that he really DOES love me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me?" And then I think -- well if we have had all these "differences" that he pointed to -- even if he did come back right now would it be a good idea to just jump right back into it? No - it wouldn't because a few years down the road we might be right back where we are now. I think I need to get myself to a place where I am truly happy and at peace with myself and then I will be better able to deal with what comes - if that is him coming back or a new guy to take his place.

Are your talks with him about the relationship or just his attempts to be "friends"? Obviously I don't know you guys but I'd be cautious cause it sounds a little bit like a recipe for getting your hopes up and having your heartbroken again.

It seems like there have been a TON of sad posts like ours around here lately and a lot of the comments revolve around how if the person is the right one for you it shouldn't be so much work and it that person should make you be a better version of yourself. I've decided (at least for today - i'm feeling strong after my crying session yesterday!) that I am worth it - I WILL find the guy of my dreams who won't waffle on whether he wants to be with me and I'm trying to be excited for what the future holds and not concentrate on just "who" that dream guy will be yet. We can do this! - does it suck? heck yeah - but we shouldn't let this define us. You and I will both get through this!!

 

[decodelighted]

I've told this story before but .... one of my best friends gave a boyfriend an ultimatum after 7 years: propose or it's over. He didn't. She stuck to her guns & left. Things were complicated. They co-owned a house ... etc. Within six months she was dating someone else ... and about a year later she'd moved 1000 miles and was engaged. She married that very next guy. They've been married 12ish years now and have a 7 year old daughter. THAT guy didn't waver. THAT guy was good to go. THAT guy is still her Prince Charming today. The other dude: what was his name again?

 

[Skychick]

I have my first meeting with the therapist this Friday and I know I am just going to cry through the session too. She wants me to have a list of what I want out of therapy and my priorities too. But how do you say that you want to move on but yet you want him to change his mind at the same time????

And yes, I still want to tell my ex everything too. And although I talk a tough talk, I still hope my ex will change his mind. I need to get over that and I am stuck. It's that stupid thing he said that he may feel different in the future. We IM'd a bit Sunday night and he said he didn't want to talk but then he ended up calling me. Talk about mixed messages.... I need to get out of this cycle. He does know I am going to therapy and I asked him to think about coming with me. God, I am a mess.

What my lady said is that no one can know what will happen in the future - maybe he will change his mind and maybe he will not - but you should focus on yourself right now. Get yourself past this and then if he does come back you can evaluate if that is still something you want. Be strong - you can do it Seriously - crying my eyes out at the therapist did wonders (not that I am "fixed" or anything but it took a huge weight off my heart to put it all out there)

When I was first packing up my stuff my ex told me that I could just stay in the upstairs unit if I wanted. Luckily I was strong enough to say no and get the heck out. In talking to my mom about it later she thought that it would just make it convenient for him -- he has already told me he doesn't love me so all responsibility is gone from his end, and yet I would still be there with ready access for him (and most likely weakness on my part ) in case he felt like he wanted some companionship for whatever reason.

I just keep thinking to myself "Am I willing to put myself and my life on hold for the off chance that he will somehow wake up and realize that he really DOES love me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me?" And then I think -- well if we have had all these "differences" that he pointed to -- even if he did come back right now would it be a good idea to just jump right back into it? No - it wouldn't because a few years down the road we might be right back where we are now. I think I need to get myself to a place where I am truly happy and at peace with myself and then I will be better able to deal with what comes - if that is him coming back or a new guy to take his place.

Are your talks with him about the relationship or just his attempts to be "friends"? Obviously I don't know you guys but I'd be cautious cause it sounds a little bit like a recipe for getting your hopes up and having your heartbroken again.

It seems like there have been a TON of sad posts like ours around here lately and a lot of the comments revolve around how if the person is the right one for you it shouldn't be so much work and it that person should make you be a better version of yourself. I've decided (at least for today - i'm feeling strong after my crying session yesterday!) that I am worth it - I WILL find the guy of my dreams who won't waffle on whether he wants to be with me and I'm trying to be excited for what the future holds and not concentrate on just "who" that dream guy will be yet. We can do this! - does it suck? heck yeah - but we shouldn't let this define us. You and I will both get through this!!

Our talk on Friday was about our relationship. What really tore us apart were some medical issues I had that I was trying to find answers for but I couldn't find the right doctors. I was going into a depression due to adrenal fatigue and estrogen dominance. But I didn't know at the time that I was falling into a depression. So in January (after 3 years of this) I finally find out that my medical issues are the cause and I am on herbs and hormones to restore everything - they say it will only take 6 months. I guess that is why he is saying that he doesn't know about the future. He kept saying that he knows the way I have been acting isn't the "true" me. At the end he said that he wanted to be friends and if he decided he wanted more, then he would let me know.

I am in denial - I think if none of these medical issues happened, we would be together. But I will never know. When I told him that I was going to see a therapist he said he was proud of me. I know no contact would be best. I'll get there...

 

[Treasure43]

Your last post really hit home for me. When I was 20, I was dating a wonderful guy. I really thought he was the one. However, at the time I was struggling with clinical depression and hadn't realized it yet. As a result, I wasn't my best self. I was moody at times and got sad. BF "told" me he thought I had depression and I should go see someone. However, I hadn't admitted it myself yet and wasn't ready to do it. He ended up breaking up with me. Of course, this threw me into a deeper depression and made me finally realize I needed some help. He was happy I was getting help but couldn't forget what had transpired when I was depressed. I'm thankful the whole thing happened because it jolted me into getting the help I needed. Fast forward 6 years later and I'm married to the most wonderful man who has been with me through a TON of ups and downs (my first year of teaching, losing my job, being diagnosed with anxiety) and he has stuck through these things and supported me in a way my other BF never could have. Bottom line: the one who is meant to be with you, you'll end up with and they'll stick with you because they love you

 

[pancake]

GamerGirl, I think that you need to be careful about his "wait and see" type statements - where he tells you he doesn't know what will happen or how he will feel later on. Pronouncements like this inevitably build hope for the hurt party and also work very well to prevent you from moving on.

It is really important that you make an active decision (at some stage) to get on with things and propel yourself forwards. What he feels now or what he feels in the future is HIS thing. Your life is yours. It is psychologically paramount that you do not allow yourself to "hang on" because of some vague/wishy-washy comments on his part about "maybe one day...".

I am really glad that your medical issues are being sorted out and I hope you feel physically better soon. And of course I am gunning for your head/heart recovery too.

 

[Skychick]

I am moving on. I am going to the therapist to help me with that. Right now what I would like to see happen is that I work on me while maintaining space away from the ex. Then I would like to see if we can be friends. Again, this is all right now. Today. Tomorrow I may feel the exact opposite and decide I don't want to maintain a friendship.

 

[GamerGirl]

I am moving on. I am going to the therapist to help me with that. Right now what I would like to see happen is that I work on me while maintaining space away from the ex. Then I would like to see if we can be friends. Again, this is all right now. Today. Tomorrow I may feel the exact opposite and decide I don't want to maintain a friendship.

I am right there with ya Working on me - distance from the ex - and trying to not to worry about what will happen in the future.

 

[GamerGirl]

GamerGirl, I think that you need to be careful about his "wait and see" type statements - where he tells you he doesn't know what will happen or how he will feel later on. Pronouncements like this inevitably build hope for the hurt party and also work very well to prevent you from moving on.

It is really important that you make an active decision (at some stage) to get on with things and propel yourself forwards. What he feels now or what he feels in the future is HIS thing. Your life is yours. It is psychologically paramount that you do not allow yourself to "hang on" because of some vague/wishy-washy comments on his part about "maybe one day...".

I am really glad that your medical issues are being sorted out and I hope you feel physically better soon. And of course I am gunning for your head/heart recovery too.

This post is really for Skychick I think

Personally - I have made the decision and now I'm just trying to follow through on it

 

[pancake]

Oops you are right, GamerGirl - my mistake, sorry!

Glad to hear that you are making slow but steady progress.

 

[GamerGirl]

Had a pretty good weekend - dinner and a movie with friends on Fri, a work social outing on sat afternoon and then babysitting 2 of my nephews (one of which is only a month old!) for the rest of the weekend left me little time to feel sorry for myself or be too lonely. Then I had a dream last night where the ex and I were together and going on vacation through Europe and kind of planning out all the places we wanted to stop -- when I woke up it totally seemed like it was true and it took me a minute to figure out where I was. That was a sucky way to start the morning but it wasn't quite as painful as I would have thought.


On a "looking forward" note: One of my work friends had just bought a house that was a foreclosure for super cheap -- and since she knows I will be starting to look for a place to live soon she is going to forward me her realtor/mortgage info. I have a small chunk of money saved up and if I could find something in the same price range she did I would be paying less each month than I would for rent. I'm still undecided what I want to do - but it couldn't hurt to look around - and I would be looking for a condo not a house as I don't really want to be taking care of all the things a whole house would need by myself. So last night I browsed through a bunch of listings to see what kind of condos were out there for foreclosure and there seemed to be some decent ones!

 

[lliang_chi]

Gamer Girl, I don't post much here but I really wanted to commend you for taking such forward steps. You're doing great! And as tough as things are I really believe you're going to be brilliant. Seriously, from just reading your posts here, it sounds like you're a truly amazing woman. Don't let anyone make you believe otherwise.

Skychick, Sorry you're going through this kind of break up too. Be strong, lady. It's hard. Give yourself more credit, you're stronger than you think you are. I've been in a spot like yours a few years after university. My college sweetheart dumped me, and I was all alone in my city (sister had just moved to DC and didn't have very many friends). Take time for yourself, you can do it.

~LC

 

[briolette]

I just wanted to add that the gals on here are really fabulous and full of great straight up advice. It takes a lot of ovaries to lay out your emotions and share what you are going through.

Being someone who has been married and divorced, I can tell you it will get better. Just hang in there. And if you do slip by accident, missing him, wanting to contact him, etc. don't beat yourself over it. You are human. You are allowed to grieve, but also remind yourself of how much better life will be in the future.

It sounds like you are doing all the right steps to get you onto the road to recovery. I commend you for that!

I've told this story before but .... one of my best friends gave a boyfriend an ultimatum after 7 years: propose or it's over. He didn't. She stuck to her guns & left. Things were complicated. They co-owned a house ... etc. Within six months she was dating someone else ... and about a year later she'd moved 1000 miles and was engaged. She married that very next guy. They've been married 12ish years now and have a 7 year old daughter. THAT guy didn't waver. THAT guy was good to go. THAT guy is still her Prince Charming today. The other dude: what was his name again?

I love this story that Decolighted posted. It's true. The One will do everything it takes to make you his wife. There's no waffling.

 

[GamerGirl]

Thanks Ladies. I'm definitely doing my best to pick myself up, move forward and get to a point where I am enjoying life again.
There have been times where I really just wanted to collapse into a big sorry-for-myself pile but then I think "Why am I letting him/this situation do this to me?" That usually makes me mad enough to snap out of it for now.

I've been trying to work on the pro-con list the therapist wants me to do and coming up with PROs for the "relationship" is pretty difficult! Things that I would have said pre-break up as pros of my life are clearly NOT true and many of the other things leave the relationship looking a little sad. That has really been an eye opener - like I'm missing more what I was hoping and thinking the relationship was and not so much the actual relationship.

I'm not sure how much more I'll post in this board, I kind of feel weird coming here now -- I'm going to jump over to the single ladies thread in hopes it will give me inspiration to enjoy the single life and start getting back out there eventually to date (eek!)