Take me off the list

[amc80]

That has really been an eye opener - like I'm missing more what I was hoping and thinking the relationship was and not so much the actual relationship.

Yes! I also found that to be true. You miss the idea of a relationship more than the relationship itself.

 

[Cynthadia]

Every emotion that you've described sounds absolutely normal and yet so unbearably painful. You (and everyone who knows you) should be giving you a big time pat on the back for embracing your feelings instead of shutting down.

Feelings aren't the same as thoughts or actions. Feelings come and go. Thoughts come and go. Actions have consequences.

Write a letter to your ex. Tell him everything. Some good words to use: betrayed, angry, sad, disappointed, scared, unloved, frustrated, ugly, retaliatory, mean, jilted, scarred, lonely, wronged, relieved, burdened, confused, irritated, spiteful, uncaring, pissed, I wish that you'd (fill in your own blanks), regret, stupid, narcicist, immature, ...

Then don't, under any circumstances, mail the letter. Put it aside for two weeks. Then read it again.

Write another letter to your ex, again not mailing it. This time, write about how you're feeling today. Again, put the letters away for a couple of weeks, and then continue the process. I guarantee that you'll soon see that your feelings/thoughts are changing in just the weeks that you've started to write your letters. Sometimes, you'll notice that you've focused on your pain; othertimes you'll see you've focused on your anger, or other emotions you weren't even aware were whirling through your brain.

Then, one day, you might even write a poem that expresses your emotions more than you could ever imagine. I wrote such a poem, and I'll share it with you now. By the way, I'm no poet. One day, about 3 months after my breakup, I sat down and wrote this poem in about 15 minutes. I hope that the forum monitors don't redact the poem. It's really not as risque as it first might appear, but a testament to my belief that I will find the right man one day (and I'm 57 years old). I never shared this poem with anyone and I doubt I'll ever write another poem in my lifetime.

I'm going to wallow
Swallow
Iced coffee
Slicked
Licked
Dripping whipping cream
That slithers reptilian
Squeezing
Breezing
Frost biting my tongue.

I'll itch to bitch
Big bellied behemoths
Throwing
Showing
Low slung balls
Beaching
Reaching
Sand smothered crotches.

Hair
Everywhere
Curly
Twirly
Poodley black masses
Chewing
Eschewing
Underwear wearing.

I'll risk sticky
Icky
Cotton candy confluence
Whitely
Nightly
Come hither come swallow
Retreating
Greeting
Rejection rejection.

See me shamelessly swinging
Cacophonous singing
Harmonious bringing
Sweat sweet salty comiingling.

Take care.

p.s. When you're well on your path to healing, take a moment to reflect on one of my most favorite sayings. "How can I hear what you're saying when you're not saying what I want to hear?"

 

[GamerGirl]

Cynthadia - thanks for the post and the poem! I've always had kind of a random dream of being an author some day but I've always lacked specific inspiration for what kind of story I'd like to write. Maybe this situation will inspire me to write something too!

Writing letters is a great idea I think - to get everything out on paper and hopefully out of my head - and a way to gauge progress I guess. I did buy a journal the other day, haven't opened it yet but perhaps I'll use it for these letters.

I'm definitely trying to enjoy as much as possible about my life right now, be hopeful that I WILL find "mr right" at some point and to accept that there is no timeline to when that will happen. Some days are easier than others -- the ex actually joined facebook this weekend and so I saw a bunch of my "friends" added him as a friend so I may have to re-evaluate keeping some folks as friends on there, that day was not so easy - but I also went out for a bit of a girl's night on Friday, met a new potential friend and got some tips on apartments to look at and that day was pretty good!

 

[iheartscience]

GamerGirl-if I can make a suggestion: block your ex on Facebook. If you block him you won't see his posts or any updates about him at all, and he won't see yours, either. Seems like that could spare a lot of hurt feelings for you when your mutual friends add him as a friend.

 

[briolette]

I totally agree with the blocking thing. You don't want anything to accidentally set you off...
Have you heart of the site called futureme (dot org)? You can send yourself messages to the future.I suggest writing a letter to yourself and send it to you a few years out--2 or 3 years. Write your heart out and know that you will be in a better place in the future. When you read it, you'll feel really good seeing where you have come from. It's something to look forward to. I've done that before when I was going through my divorce and it was nice reminder that time heals almost everything.