The deadline has come and gone

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/8/2009 10:34:30 AM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 4/8/2009 10:11:05 AM

Author: janinegirly

Sorry to hear this, and you are taking it very gracefully--I''d be po''d!! I''ve followed your story for awhile, and again am unfortunately not surprised b/c this has been his pattern. He always leads to believe something exciting is coming sooooon, then lets you down, but not 100% b/c he hopes you''ll accept this wishy washiness and stick around. It''s kind of cowardly...I''m sorry to be so harsh. I mean if he knows he is going to say something you won''t like, why the big build up of ''I''m making a romantic dinner, you''ll hear your news tonight''? That''s just mean!! Why can''t he be an adult and say you need to talk (with serious tone), then have the conversation soon after! And what about that 72 hour build up before--never was clear what that was all about!?


I''m glad you have closure and are being strong about it though. I''m quite sure he will come back to you with other varations of carrots, so be ready. It''s his pattern. Not saying he''s a bad person, but he is holding you back from moving forward towards what you really want and need. Please update us often and vent away. I''m sorry again, and hope there are plenty of brownies tonight! ((HUGS)).

I''m in total agreement. I''m mega pissed off. I was sure that when he said ''I have something to say that you''ve been wanting to hear'' he would say it was all going to be OK.


What a jerk!!! What a coward. Tell him to take his drinkie-poo''s and stuff them.

Oh, and tell him that when you can''t say YES you ARE saying no. Sheesh. What a maroon (in the words of Bugs Bunny).

What they said. I''m annoyed that he''s jerked you around again only to be his broken-record self like usual. You deserve better--not only someone who shares the same goals you do, but who won''t mess you around just to try to keep you around when he knows he doesn''t want what you want. Take care, honey.

 

[misskitty]

*Big hugs* and I wish you the best of luck for a smooth transition.

 

[Erin]

I agree. I''m tired of the dramatic letdowns, too, but just to be fair he has stated over and over again that he''s not pulling me along for even one second. He''s the kind of guy that takes two months to buy a tv. He has been giving it a lot of thought. Maybe even considering saying yes, but when it comes right down to it something inside him won''t let him make that decision - whether it''s fear, gut instinct, or self doubt.

I''m not making excuses for him because I''m soft and think he deserves another chance because he doesn''t. His indecision alone has made me wonder how happy I''d even be if he said yes. But I believe him when he''s said he has thought this over upside down 50 different ways. He has not strung me along, just over analyzed to the point of paralysis and I forced his hand.

 

[Bia]

I'm annoyed that he made it sound like he had good news to begin with. WTF is that about?!

Grrr.

I'm sorry Starset. I really was hoping that he'd have the answer you so badly wanted. But he doesn't, so now is your chance to go after your dreams! He isn't coming along for the ride, but that's okay because there is something better (and someone better

) for you on this new path of yours, I'm certain of it.

((((((BIG SMOOSHY HUGS)))))) WE are here for you all the way...

 

[janinegirly]

Starset, ok--but even if that's the case, why the over the top build up to telling you these things ONCE he has decided? Or whatever version of decision making he resorts to (ie can't say yes, don't want to say no mumbo jumbo). No matter what his style is, there is no reason for the big announcement that a decision has been made (including dinner which will lead up to the supposed declaration of this decision) and in fact it's a bit ridiculous at his age! Each time you've thought (logically) it meant something big, as did all of us, only to find out it was some lame way of stretching out a way to say "I don't know". Sorry, but it does sound like you're making excuses for him a bit (which is understandable since you can't switch feelings off). Many of us have dealt with slowwwww decision makers (me included!), but not to the point of leading us on as to what that decision might be (with an hourly countdown to boot) only to have nothing new. Urgh, in a way I think it's kind of a good thing it has come to an end--you seem so articulate and decisive--how could you be happy long term with someone so easily paralysed with taking a firm stand on life decisions?

I hope I'm not being harsh, I'm just so frustrated for you!

 

[mirre]

He contradicted himself in a big way. He tells you to come over because he has made a decision. Then his decision is still basically "I don''t know".

But I guess he made your decsion a little clearer for you. Maybe he didn''t have the courage to tell you "no" and by handling it this way he thought you''d be the one to walk away?

 

[FrekeChild]

 

[Erin]

Date: 4/8/2009 11:42:43 AM
Author: FrekeChild

Yep. That pretty much sums it up Freke.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 4/8/2009 10:58:37 AM
Author: Starset Princess
I agree. I'm tired of the dramatic letdowns, too, but just to be fair he has stated over and over again that he's not pulling me along for even one second. He's the kind of guy that takes two months to buy a tv. He has been giving it a lot of thought. Maybe even considering saying yes, but when it comes right down to it something inside him won't let him make that decision - whether it's fear, gut instinct, or self doubt.

I'm not making excuses for him because I'm soft and think he deserves another chance because he doesn't. His indecision alone has made me wonder how happy I'd even be if he said yes. But I believe him when he's said he has thought this over upside down 50 different ways. He has not strung me along, just over analyzed to the point of paralysis and I forced his hand.

This is actually what I've suspected as well.

He loves you; that much is clear. Since this has come to a head, I think he has been trying to find a way to get himself on board with saying yes to children because he doesn't want to lose you. You've been going through a similar self-reflection; your recent threads on PS have tried to comtemplate saying no to children.

Each of you has been trying to figure out if what you need is worth sacrificing the relationship for, and sadly each of you has come to the realization that your needs are non-negotiable.

I'm sorry it's worked out this way, but I'm relieved that you've finally reached a resolution so you can move forward.

Hugs to you, SP.

 

[decodelighted]

I''m sorry Starset. Outwardly he really looks like a douche but I hear what you''re saying re: his paralysis. My best friend''s marriage broke up over this issue after 10 years of her *trying* to want to have a baby. She even got to a point where she was so desperate she would have agreed to anything -- but he, rightfully, refused. Ultimately, who really wants to have a baby with someone that''s conflicted. You can''t be a half-hearted parent (especially MOTHER) any more than you should be a half-hearted partner.

There will be tough days ahead. Wishing you strength & determination & hope. Oh yeah, and BROWNIES.

 

[purrfectpear]

You know Deco, puppy kisses trump brownies IMO

 

[Erin]

"You wanna come over for lunch and help me eat more of that pork tenderloin?"

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/8/2009 12:43:28 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You know Deco, puppy kisses trump brownies IMO

If I could find a way to ship those, I would! Starset -- if you press your forehead against my avatar T''ll

ya a good one.

 

[Erin]

.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/8/2009 1:00:02 PM
Author: Starset Princess
''You wanna come over for lunch and help me eat more of that pork tenderloin?''

Seriously? He just doesn''t get it does he? I am so so sorry Starset. I thought after all this talk of "I''m going to tell you something you want to hear" that he had decided he would have more kids. I just cannot fathom this behavior.

Sending you lots of strength! And I am a veeeerry good baker if you want some more treats.

 

[TravelingGal]

When is this dude going to learn that "MAYBE" is NOT an answer?

You know starset, just use his line WHENEVER he asks you anything from now on.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes."

"Can we still be friends?

"I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes."

"Do you think I''m a loser?"

"I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes."

etc. etc. etc.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

HELL to the NO, Starset.

He might be wishy-washy by nature, but were you before you spent so much time dating this guy? ("I''m going to break your heart and self-esteem to a million little shattered pieces, but perhaps you can still help me paint my apartment?"???)

To paraphrase Freke:

I feel so badly for the sadness you must be going through right now, SP. And I hope also that you will soon be able to see that bona-fide ANGER is appropriate in this situation too.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 4/8/2009 1:14:29 PM
Author: TravelingGal
When is this dude going to learn that ''MAYBE'' is NOT an answer?


You know starset, just use his line WHENEVER he asks you anything from now on.


''Can I buy you a drink?''


''I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes.''


''Can we still be friends?


''I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes.''


''Do you think I''m a loser?''


''I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes.''


etc. etc. etc.

This. A hundred times this.

 

[Bia]

Date: 4/8/2009 1:39:22 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 4/8/2009 1:14:29 PM
Author: TravelingGal
When is this dude going to learn that ''MAYBE'' is NOT an answer?

You know starset, just use his line WHENEVER he asks you anything from now on.

''Can I buy you a drink?''

''I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes.''

''Can we still be friends?

''I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes.''

''Do you think I''m a loser?''

''I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes.''

etc. etc. etc.

This. A hundred times this.

Yes! good advice.

 

[choro72]

I''m so sorry Starset...I''ve been through a guy like that, and you''re handling it so well. Some men are such wusses.
I like your new avatar.

 

[FrekeChild]

I like the new avatar too. Although it''s making me hungry...

 

[princesss]

Date: 4/8/2009 1:14:29 PM
Author: TravelingGal
When is this dude going to learn that ''MAYBE'' is NOT an answer?

You know starset, just use his line WHENEVER he asks you anything from now on.

''Can I buy you a drink?''

''I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes.''

''Can we still be friends?

''I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes.''

''Do you think I''m a loser?''

''I don''t want to say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes.''

etc. etc. etc.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yes.

I''m sorry he''s being such a dunce, Starset. He needs to realize it''s O-V-E-R. He doesn''t get to just keep you around because he wants to. The respectful thing to do is to back away and give you space. That''s the loving thing to do. He can''t give you what you need, so he should back off. But he''s a dunce, so you might have to draw a hard line. I know you don''t want to, but he may never understand any other way.

 

[HollyS]

I'm sorry that things didn't go as you had hoped.

Yes, he's being indecisive. You walking away may actually jerk him up out of his indecision. He hasn't experienced the 'not being together' yet. He was hoping you would go along as you had been. Maybe he'll come to a different realization of what he will miss out on when you truly are gone for good.

But, that wouldn't necessarily be for the best, though. He was perfectly willing to lose you, and knew he probably would, and that wasn't enough incentive. And that's your answer. It's the answer you give him when he comes crawling. If he comes.

You are doing the right thing. Hugs to you.

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

Date: 4/8/2009 11:46:05 AM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 4/8/2009 10:58:37 AM
Author: Starset Princess
I agree. I''m tired of the dramatic letdowns, too, but just to be fair he has stated over and over again that he''s not pulling me along for even one second. He''s the kind of guy that takes two months to buy a tv. He has been giving it a lot of thought. Maybe even considering saying yes, but when it comes right down to it something inside him won''t let him make that decision - whether it''s fear, gut instinct, or self doubt.

I''m not making excuses for him because I''m soft and think he deserves another chance because he doesn''t. His indecision alone has made me wonder how happy I''d even be if he said yes. But I believe him when he''s said he has thought this over upside down 50 different ways. He has not strung me along, just over analyzed to the point of paralysis and I forced his hand.

This is actually what I''ve suspected as well.

He loves you; that much is clear. Since this has come to a head, I think he has been trying to find a way to get himself on board with saying yes to children because he doesn''t want to lose you. You''ve been going through a similar self-reflection; your recent threads on PS have tried to comtemplate saying no to children.

Each of you has been trying to figure out if what you need is worth sacrificing the relationship for, and sadly each of you has come to the realization that your needs are non-negotiable.

I''m sorry it''s worked out this way, but I''m relieved that you''ve finally reached a resolution so you can move forward.

Hugs to you, SP.

Ditto. This is how I see it too.

Although he has stung you along in the past I think it is because you both do love each other so much. It''s difficult to just let someone walk out of your life, especially when the future is so unknown. Him even asking you for lunch tomorrow, to me, shows just how difficult it is for him too. Break ups are not always as cut and dry as we think they should be, especially when someone is such a huge part of your life and you''ve contemplated marriage.

I really do wish you the best. You have been so strong throughout this. Keep your head held high and focus on you.

 

[daydreamer]

Date: 4/8/2009 10:58:37 AM
Author: Starset Princess
I agree. I''m tired of the dramatic letdowns, too, but just to be fair he has stated over and over again that he''s not pulling me along for even one second. He''s the kind of guy that takes two months to buy a tv. He has been giving it a lot of thought. Maybe even considering saying yes, but when it comes right down to it something inside him won''t let him make that decision - whether it''s fear, gut instinct, or self doubt.


I''m not making excuses for him because I''m soft and think he deserves another chance because he doesn''t. His indecision alone has made me wonder how happy I''d even be if he said yes. But I believe him when he''s said he has thought this over upside down 50 different ways. He has not strung me along, just over analyzed to the point of paralysis and I forced his hand.

I''m sorry it worked out this way.

I completely agree with your assessment. My ex was the same way.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I am sooooo sorry, too! Gosh, he surely did mislead you! But it''s certainly best to realize NOW that he simply did not love you enough to consider your needs above his.

This past Friday night my daughter said her sweet boyfriend told her that he cannot wait to marry her and have kids. And as I read some of these long term stories of guys who just won''t commit to either marriage or kids because of their own self-centeredness, I want to say to all you girls in that situation:

YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[bee*]

I''m really sorry Starset. I really thought that it might have been good news. That''s rubbish that he jerked you around. You definitely deserve better. Sending hugs.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I do not blame this man for not wanting children. I do not blame this man for carefully considering the choice and being honest about the fact that he is not sure of his answer.


BUT

what gets me

is that he did the "I have a nice surprise for you!" build-up and invited you over to his house. That is sooooooo like a man. He is essentially breaking up with you and should know that, but he doesn''t have the decency to travel to your house so that you don''t have to travel home or be forced to stay at his place? SELFISH!!!!


I am so sorry it has come to this for you. I know it is a tough spot, but I agree with PP in her sentiment of a lack of a yes means it''s a no.

This is corny, but listen to Kelly Clarkson''s "walk away." It made me feel a little bit better when I was going through a wishy washy breakup with a guy who just "didn''t know".

I''m looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don''t have the answer
Why are you still standin'' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away

 

[CurlySue]

Brand new to these forums, so I don''t know much about your history other than what is in this thread. My heart absolutely goes out to you. Good luck as you go through this transition... I''m sure it will be hard, but from your posts, you seem to have all the answers you need to move forward. I wish you nothing but the best of luck!!

 

[Rock_of_Love]

I have been following your story, but haven''t posted until now...couldn''t resist. He said WHAT???

Date: 4/8/2009 1:00:02 PM
Author: Starset Princess
''You wanna come over for lunch and help me eat more of that pork tenderloin?''

OMG this makes me want to punch him.

After the lovely lead up to the dinner...what do you want me to make you...special dinner...blah blah, talk about getting someone''s hopes up!

Everything he is doing reminds me of an ex-BF I had. My first love, actually. After we broke up, he led me on for nearly 2 years with stuff like this "come over for pork tenderloin" garbage. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker because I was soooo in love with him and I just kept thinking...wow, he must really still love me to keep asking me to do stuff with him. He was great at the whole FALSE HOPE thing! Or, I should say, the cake and eat it, too, thing!!

Tell him NO MORE pork tenderloin...NO MORE asparagus...NO MORE can''t say no, can''t say yes...NO MORE brownies...NO MORE me!

((((((BIG HUGE HUGS)))))) to you!!!

NEXT!