- Joined
- Apr 3, 2004
- Messages
- 33,852
the good,the bad of having kids earlier in life is....
- Thread starter Dancing Fire
- Start date
- Status
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2003
- Messages
- 22,161
Hi, mjfloyd1-
I, also, welcome you to Pricescope. Having been a member of a group of parents adopting in Latin America, I have heard stories like yours before! One friend who had had painful endometriosis all her "adult" life and who who had an adopted son was about to leave on a second trip to South America for baby number 2. Her doctors were talking hysterectomy. She found she was pregnant (after 16 years of marriage). She was so invested in the baby in South America (whom she had never seen and who would have been given a good home by the next couple on the waiting list) that she wanted to travel to adopt that baby. Given that she was about to enter her third trimester, her doctor advised against it.
Then there is my friend who, after years of fertility treatments, adopted a baby boy. She and her husband had a limited amount of money and couldn''t decide whether to adopt again or give IVF one try. (She was his second wife and he had two biological sons with his first wife. I think she wanted that same bond with him that his ex-wife had.) She got pregnant with twin girls. Her pregnancy was miserable. She had been a runner and in tip top shape, but her blood pressure soared and she wound up in Intensive Care. All turned out well. She now has three healthy and beautiful children. She said she is the only person SHE knows who has three children after being pregnant only once, but she also said, "Pregnancy isn''t all it''s cracked up to be ".
Deborah
I, also, welcome you to Pricescope. Having been a member of a group of parents adopting in Latin America, I have heard stories like yours before! One friend who had had painful endometriosis all her "adult" life and who who had an adopted son was about to leave on a second trip to South America for baby number 2. Her doctors were talking hysterectomy. She found she was pregnant (after 16 years of marriage). She was so invested in the baby in South America (whom she had never seen and who would have been given a good home by the next couple on the waiting list) that she wanted to travel to adopt that baby. Given that she was about to enter her third trimester, her doctor advised against it.
Then there is my friend who, after years of fertility treatments, adopted a baby boy. She and her husband had a limited amount of money and couldn''t decide whether to adopt again or give IVF one try. (She was his second wife and he had two biological sons with his first wife. I think she wanted that same bond with him that his ex-wife had.) She got pregnant with twin girls. Her pregnancy was miserable. She had been a runner and in tip top shape, but her blood pressure soared and she wound up in Intensive Care. All turned out well. She now has three healthy and beautiful children. She said she is the only person SHE knows who has three children after being pregnant only once, but she also said, "Pregnancy isn''t all it''s cracked up to be ".
Deborah
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2003
- Messages
- 22,161
Dancing Fire,
You are ahead of me in parenting (given that your children are 17 and 18 and mine is only 12). I am ahead of you in age, however (being in my 50s). For me, being in my 50s is not a negative when dealing with a teenager. I don't feel at all old although I passed the 5-0 mark. I *AM* also more mature than I was in my 20s and 30s. I taught high school history at that age and feel I had significantly less persepctive in dealing with the teenage nonsense!
Having said that, I am *NOT* sure I will emerge unscathed from my daughter's teen years. She can be so difficult that I want to scream. (Uh...sometimes I *DO*!!) My brother says that they get progressively worse so that by the time they are out of high school one is delighted to see them go. His older daughter is a Junior looking at colleges this year and she seems equally ready to part company with her parents!
Deborah
You are ahead of me in parenting (given that your children are 17 and 18 and mine is only 12). I am ahead of you in age, however (being in my 50s). For me, being in my 50s is not a negative when dealing with a teenager. I don't feel at all old although I passed the 5-0 mark. I *AM* also more mature than I was in my 20s and 30s. I taught high school history at that age and feel I had significantly less persepctive in dealing with the teenage nonsense!
Having said that, I am *NOT* sure I will emerge unscathed from my daughter's teen years. She can be so difficult that I want to scream. (Uh...sometimes I *DO*!!) My brother says that they get progressively worse so that by the time they are out of high school one is delighted to see them go. His older daughter is a Junior looking at colleges this year and she seems equally ready to part company with her parents!
Deborah
fortheloveofdiamonds
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 8, 2004
- Messages
- 1,279
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2004
- Messages
- 38,363
I guess my hubby is also a jerk for leaving his parents to marry me.
They are now seperated by the Atlantic/Pacific.
I also left my parents for a few years across the big blue ocean. Now, there''s only 1000 miles between us.
Seriously, have children only because you want to. Not because they''ll be angels or jerks when they grow up. Not for hopes, dreams or disappointments. Not for money or stature. For you. To share the joy (and pain
) that you both have.
I don''t think anyone will ever be 100% ready. We all just take the plunge!
I also left my parents for a few years across the big blue ocean. Now, there''s only 1000 miles between us.
Seriously, have children only because you want to. Not because they''ll be angels or jerks when they grow up. Not for hopes, dreams or disappointments. Not for money or stature. For you. To share the joy (and pain
I don''t think anyone will ever be 100% ready. We all just take the plunge!
Patty
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2003
- Messages
- 4,479
I grew up in a big family and I have been around kids my whole life. My youngest sister was a year old when my first nephew was born. There has never been a time in my life where there was not a baby in my family. I have 12 siblings, 35 nieces/nephews and 7 great nieces/nephews.
I had my first child at 23 and my second at 26. We never got used to a second income from me so that helped. I absolutely could not wait to have a baby. But, I stopped at 2. I think if we all listen to our inner selves, it will tell us what is right for us.
Once you have a child, you give up the right to be selfish. Children bring you a huge amount of joy and satisfaction, but they are a ton of work. The responsibility is huge. It''s not a task to be undertaken lightly, and yet for me, it was a never a decision to be agonized over. I could not wait to have my own child.
Children are not a blank slate nor are their personalities predetermined. They come into this world with their own genetic predispositions and their personalities are formed by the combination of nature and nurture. Some of the happiest parents out there are those who have children with personalities that work well with theirs. A LOT of it is your attitude towards your child. One parent may see his/her child as a hellion while another takes pride in their child''s "spirit." You never know if you will end up with a child with an easy fit to you, or a difficult fit.
I''ve found that most parents I know who think they are wonderful parents have a rude awakening when child number 2 arrives. We were sure that our first child was so wonderful and easy because we did everything right with her. She was bright, eager to please and a joy to be around. We were logical and loving parents and she responded in kind. Then number two arrived.
She pushed every button I never knew I had. She literally wore us out. But, the funny thing is that by the time she reached adolescence, she became quite easy and a joy to be around.
So, you just never know. I will say this. I adore being around my nieces and nephews. Last spring when my sister had a baby, I went over every afternoon so that she could nap. I did nothing but hold that little sweet boy while he napped on my chest. This past weekend, we had my two youngest sisters over for pizza. I needed a "kid fix" and we spend the night laughing and watching the kids. Who needs television when you have kids to entertain you?
I had my first child at 23 and my second at 26. We never got used to a second income from me so that helped. I absolutely could not wait to have a baby. But, I stopped at 2. I think if we all listen to our inner selves, it will tell us what is right for us.
Once you have a child, you give up the right to be selfish. Children bring you a huge amount of joy and satisfaction, but they are a ton of work. The responsibility is huge. It''s not a task to be undertaken lightly, and yet for me, it was a never a decision to be agonized over. I could not wait to have my own child.
Children are not a blank slate nor are their personalities predetermined. They come into this world with their own genetic predispositions and their personalities are formed by the combination of nature and nurture. Some of the happiest parents out there are those who have children with personalities that work well with theirs. A LOT of it is your attitude towards your child. One parent may see his/her child as a hellion while another takes pride in their child''s "spirit." You never know if you will end up with a child with an easy fit to you, or a difficult fit.
I''ve found that most parents I know who think they are wonderful parents have a rude awakening when child number 2 arrives. We were sure that our first child was so wonderful and easy because we did everything right with her. She was bright, eager to please and a joy to be around. We were logical and loving parents and she responded in kind. Then number two arrived.
So, you just never know. I will say this. I adore being around my nieces and nephews. Last spring when my sister had a baby, I went over every afternoon so that she could nap. I did nothing but hold that little sweet boy while he napped on my chest. This past weekend, we had my two youngest sisters over for pizza. I needed a "kid fix" and we spend the night laughing and watching the kids. Who needs television when you have kids to entertain you?
I agree with Chrono. Having children is a gift. It''s a gift for you and your spouse for all those reasons we already know about. The joy of seeing a combination of you and your spouse, of seeing characteristics of your parents, of being able to relive your own childhood through them, of just how darn cute they are in the bathtub! However, when you have a child, it is also a gift from you and your spouse to another human being. A gift of your time, effort, patience, treasure, etc. With children, you end up doing a lot of giving but also, a lot of receiving. There is no guarantee that it will balance out perfectly, nor should there be.
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2003
- Messages
- 22,161
Date: 3/7/2005 104:48 AM
Author: Patty
Once you have a child, you give up the right to be selfish. Children bring you a huge amount of joy and satisfaction, but they are a ton of work. The responsibility is huge. It's not a task to be undertaken lightly, and yet for me, it was a never a decision to be agonized over. I could not wait to have my own child.
Children are not a blank slate nor are their personalities predetermined. They come into this world with their own genetic predispositions and their personalities are formed by the combination of nature and nurture.
Patty, I have rarely found myself more in accord with anyone than I find myself with you over this issue! I think you said it all. I, also, never doubted I needed to be a mother. I, also, think one gives up the right to be selfish when one becomes a parent. And I couldn't agree more about nature and nurture...each plays a part! I used to think that nurture was more important...but then I got retrievers. Our spaniel when I was growing up never carried anything in her mouth. Once I got my first retriever I realized that I would never be greeted without a "present". My canine first child would bring a shoe or a slipper if there was no bone or dog toy handy. That mouth just *had* to be filled with something. That's NATURE!!!
Interesting. This is precisely what happened to my group of friends. All of us were enjoying our 30''s free and clear - then one after another OOOPPPSSS! None of my friends had children in their early 30''s. My best friend had her second at 40 - it was an oppss surprise as well. Her doctor didn''t think it possible & they weren''t trying.Date: 3/6/2005 10:320 PM
Author: Mara
Almost everyone we know in our lives who have had kids recently and/or gotten pregnant, it was through an accident or a mistake...not one person PLANNED it. Which is very interesting...leave it to chance if you can''t make the conscious decision?? These people all changed overnight from being DINKS to loving parents who rave about their child (whether Bobby is good or bad...you get the raving).
I wanted children in my middle to late 20''s. Hubby wanted to wait. He had a good argument. By the time we tried, we were happy being just a couple with a dog. We weren''t blessed & had no interest in pursuing adoption or ivf. Sometimes, hubby regrets not having children earlier; but, honestly neither of us feel unfullfilled. We have a full life w/ tons of nieces and nephews. We are Aunti & Uncle F&I to quite a few friends children. I love being around them. Always have. I remember when my friends started to have children it was an adjustment to our social agenda. But, learned that I just enjoyed being with them - even at the McDonalds play area.
At 45, I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake. But, I think one can say that about any path one chooses. Neither of us feel unfullfilled or that something is missing. Honestly, we feel like we have a family.
I don''t give a second thought to who would take care of me when I get old. That''s not a thought that goes to issue of having children. First, I would hope I would remain connected to my nieces and nephews. Second, care for the elderly is dramatically changing.
I can remember early on this one bitter women whose children were really screwed up (worked up the hall from me). Said "don''t buy into the lie". People will guilt you into having children because it''s the greatest thing in the world. They just want you to be as miserable as they are.
fortheloveofdiamonds
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 8, 2004
- Messages
- 1,279
Great post! I agree!Date: 3/7/2005 9:27:43 AM
Author: Chrono
I guess my hubby is also a jerk for leaving his parents to marry me.They are now seperated by the Atlantic/Pacific.
I also left my parents for a few years across the big blue ocean. Now, there''s only 1000 miles between us.
Seriously, have children only because you want to. Not because they''ll be angels or jerks when they grow up. Not for hopes, dreams or disappointments. Not for money or stature. For you. To share the joy (and pain) that you both have.
I don''t think anyone will ever be 100% ready. We all just take the plunge!
Patty
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2003
- Messages
- 4,479
AGBF, I guess they don''t call them "retrievers" for nothing! BTW, how do you quote just part of someone''s post? I''ve tried to do this with no success.
There are no guarantees in this life. Having kids to make sure that you are not alone in your old age doesn''t mean it will happen that way. It''s better to go into it without too many expectations so you do not end up disappointed. You don''t want to focus on what they will do for you down the road; it''s better to focus on raising good, happy people and trust that it will all work out in the end.
I can''t help but think of the similarities of diamonds and kids. At first they are beautiful and perfect but as time goes on, you start to notice their flaws and wonder if it''s time to trade them in.
There are no guarantees in this life. Having kids to make sure that you are not alone in your old age doesn''t mean it will happen that way. It''s better to go into it without too many expectations so you do not end up disappointed. You don''t want to focus on what they will do for you down the road; it''s better to focus on raising good, happy people and trust that it will all work out in the end.
I can''t help but think of the similarities of diamonds and kids. At first they are beautiful and perfect but as time goes on, you start to notice their flaws and wonder if it''s time to trade them in.
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2002
- Messages
- 31,003
Haha, the references to 'trading in' or 'upgrading' the kids are hilarious!
I think we would definitely want to have kids at some point..but the one glaring thing that makes me really think is the age...again..I don't want to be some old parent who their child feels they can't enjoy OR who is 'tired' while the child is in high chool and ready for retirement and bitter that they cannot enjoy their golden years just yet...
My mom had my youngest sister at age 40..surprise! She thought she was done...my dad had the 'operation' which had reversed itself...yikes! My sister is now 14 and in high school, she's brought a whole new dimension to our family being the youngest daughter, and I adore her (she's my favorite since I really helped to raise her, being 16 when she was born!)...but I can see how tired my parents are as they edge deeper into their 50's..they are thinking about retiring in the next few years but they have to stick around the area until my sister goes to college. However, she does bring a ton of life to the house that would not otherwise be there (and there'd be MORE pressure on us!). Also my sister and my mom are like friends in that they do so many things together, I think my mom would be lonely if she did not have my sister still around and in the house as my Dad works alot of the time.
I also see now that we are all older just how much fun it is for my parents to have us 'children' around and see what they have sown grow up. I get a bit sad when I think about if we do not have children, we would have to rely on other people's children to get that infusion of 'youth'. Lastly, I save things such as my wedding dress, and I have these memory photo albums of our wedding and us and our lives and sometimes I think..who is going to look at these things and CARE about them if they are not our children? Will I ever have children to pass jewelry onto?
A child is a blessing at any time provided you want the child..there are too many parents out there who had kids who should not have..and those who want children but are unable to have them. Life throws odd twist and turns regardless of age!
I think we would definitely want to have kids at some point..but the one glaring thing that makes me really think is the age...again..I don't want to be some old parent who their child feels they can't enjoy OR who is 'tired' while the child is in high chool and ready for retirement and bitter that they cannot enjoy their golden years just yet...
My mom had my youngest sister at age 40..surprise! She thought she was done...my dad had the 'operation' which had reversed itself...yikes! My sister is now 14 and in high school, she's brought a whole new dimension to our family being the youngest daughter, and I adore her (she's my favorite since I really helped to raise her, being 16 when she was born!)...but I can see how tired my parents are as they edge deeper into their 50's..they are thinking about retiring in the next few years but they have to stick around the area until my sister goes to college. However, she does bring a ton of life to the house that would not otherwise be there (and there'd be MORE pressure on us!). Also my sister and my mom are like friends in that they do so many things together, I think my mom would be lonely if she did not have my sister still around and in the house as my Dad works alot of the time.
I also see now that we are all older just how much fun it is for my parents to have us 'children' around and see what they have sown grow up. I get a bit sad when I think about if we do not have children, we would have to rely on other people's children to get that infusion of 'youth'. Lastly, I save things such as my wedding dress, and I have these memory photo albums of our wedding and us and our lives and sometimes I think..who is going to look at these things and CARE about them if they are not our children? Will I ever have children to pass jewelry onto?
A child is a blessing at any time provided you want the child..there are too many parents out there who had kids who should not have..and those who want children but are unable to have them. Life throws odd twist and turns regardless of age!
eks6426
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2004
- Messages
- 2,011
My fiance and I have kids from our previous marriages. Mine is an 8 year old boy. His is a 15 year old boy. I am 33. He is 46. Everyone is asking us if we are going to have kids of our own. But blending our 2 "onlies" into a new family is going to be hard enough for a few years. So, best case scenario we''d be ready to think about our own kids in 2-3 years. That makes me 36 or so, but makes him 48 or 49. I really can''t imagine us having kids in our house for 20+ years...My fiance would be almost 70 by the time our new baby would leave. Maybe it''s selfish, but I really want to enjoy our life together with the 2 kids we already have that will be out of the house late enough as it is...
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2002
- Messages
- 31,003
Greg''s stepmom married his father when she was in her early 20s and G''s dad was in his late 30''s...they wanted kids of their own but it was not in the cards for her...also they had Greg and his sister. Now, Julie regrets not being able to have kids of their own even though she loved being a huge part of Greg and Susan''s lives...so Julie is chomping at the thought of some grandchildren...hehe.
Personally I think she got the best of both worlds...didn''t have to deal with the screaming infants but was still there from grade school onwards...she did have some drama integrating herself into the family so that was not fun...but now the relationship she has with the kids is great. Plus no stetch marks!!
Personally I think she got the best of both worlds...didn''t have to deal with the screaming infants but was still there from grade school onwards...she did have some drama integrating herself into the family so that was not fun...but now the relationship she has with the kids is great. Plus no stetch marks!!
jaysonsmom
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2004
- Messages
- 4,924
I totally agree that people should have children only if they are really wanted and loved. I broke up with a bf of 4.5 years when I was 26 years old because the topic of children always led to fights. I''ve always wanted to be a young mom ever since I had a mind of my own. My ex came from a broken home, and barely knew his father, so he was certain he did not want to have children of his own. Even though there was a significant amount of time and emotions invested in that relationship, I knew that I would never be truly happy if I didin''t fulfill my wish of having kids of my own.
Fast forward a few months after the big breakup. My husband (then coworker) asks me out on a date.....within a month or two we shared our hopes and dreams of the white picket fence, two beautiful kids etc. and we were in love because we shared identical dreams. We were engaged after only 4 short months, and within our first year of marriage, we bought our first house, became pregnant, and had 2 beautiful kids one after another. I am 31 now, and a mother of 2, and my husband and I couldn''t be happier. He is only a few months older than I am, but had a maturity most men around my age did not at the time....We are not "young" parents by any means, I had my first at 29, but we are still young enough that we can climb on the jungle gym with our kids, take them biking and be their friend. I''m not sorry that I wasted 4.5 years with someone that I wasn''t compatible with because if I did marry my husband earlier, we may not be as mature and financially comfortable as we are now, and I think my kids are getting the best of us at ur current ages. My husband and I will both be in our late 40''s/early 50''s when our kids leave home for college, and there''s still lots of golden years for us to be doing our own things!
Most of my friends are the same age, or a little older than us, in their early-mid 30''s and there are several couples who have children our age, and several couples that chose not to have children. I say to each their own, as long as both people in the relationship agree, it''ll work. While my husband and I talk about our kids, my friends without children share their stories about movies that they get to see every weekend, places that they''ve travelled on vacations, and I feel that we are equally happy, just in different ways.
Fast forward a few months after the big breakup. My husband (then coworker) asks me out on a date.....within a month or two we shared our hopes and dreams of the white picket fence, two beautiful kids etc. and we were in love because we shared identical dreams. We were engaged after only 4 short months, and within our first year of marriage, we bought our first house, became pregnant, and had 2 beautiful kids one after another. I am 31 now, and a mother of 2, and my husband and I couldn''t be happier. He is only a few months older than I am, but had a maturity most men around my age did not at the time....We are not "young" parents by any means, I had my first at 29, but we are still young enough that we can climb on the jungle gym with our kids, take them biking and be their friend. I''m not sorry that I wasted 4.5 years with someone that I wasn''t compatible with because if I did marry my husband earlier, we may not be as mature and financially comfortable as we are now, and I think my kids are getting the best of us at ur current ages. My husband and I will both be in our late 40''s/early 50''s when our kids leave home for college, and there''s still lots of golden years for us to be doing our own things!
Most of my friends are the same age, or a little older than us, in their early-mid 30''s and there are several couples who have children our age, and several couples that chose not to have children. I say to each their own, as long as both people in the relationship agree, it''ll work. While my husband and I talk about our kids, my friends without children share their stories about movies that they get to see every weekend, places that they''ve travelled on vacations, and I feel that we are equally happy, just in different ways.
moremoremore
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2004
- Messages
- 6,825
Ha! Did my husband put you up to this thread! J/K
In a nut shell...I don''t want them now. I''m 31. So I''m not having them. If I want them and I can have them great. If not, I don''t care. I''m not ready. I want to live and enjoy my life. I am not at a point in my life where I recognize that the two can go hand in hand.
I love the fact that I''m only responsible for myself and that I am free as a bird! My mother had me at 36 b/c she had back surgery...and I''ve never once considered her "old"...in fact, my father, 65, is in better physical shape than anyone I know- being a winning marathon runner and all around sports freak!
In a nut shell...I don''t want them now. I''m 31. So I''m not having them. If I want them and I can have them great. If not, I don''t care. I''m not ready. I want to live and enjoy my life. I am not at a point in my life where I recognize that the two can go hand in hand.
I love the fact that I''m only responsible for myself and that I am free as a bird! My mother had me at 36 b/c she had back surgery...and I''ve never once considered her "old"...in fact, my father, 65, is in better physical shape than anyone I know- being a winning marathon runner and all around sports freak!
MichelleCarmen
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2003
- Messages
- 15,880
My parents had me and then realized they were one-child parents and my mom had a hysterectomy. . . it's sad that even with my parents being content as they were, they continuously received critisism back in the 70s for not having more kids. People are still stuck, not matter how much we've changed our views about the 1950s family, that two kids per couple = "a family." Friends I know here in 2005 who only have one kid also find themselves pressured into making more babies because ONLY then would they be complete.Date: 3/7/2005 10:51:13 AM
Author: fire&ice
I can remember early on this one bitter women whose children were really screwed up (worked up the hall from me). Said 'don't buy into the lie'. People will guilt you into having children because it's the greatest thing in the world. They just want you to be as miserable as they are.I didn't believe her reasoning; but, it made me think that motherhood certainly isn't for everyone.
I think it's most important that the couple do what's right for them. As a mom of two children, I respect those who decide that they'd like to have their family be just husband and wife (and pets too
rather than have kids, because I do have kids and a cat, and it's a job that one should choose to have a career in especially since, for many, it's actually a second job requiring many overtime hours! Being a full-time working mom would be too stressful and many women would have to or may choose to work and I seriously think that this is too much burden to place on any person (as from what I've read, most women still do the majority of housework even if both wife and husband work, which adds yet a third job) so how can one live a healthy life AND create a healthy family environment while being stressed to the max AND spending just a few hours weeknights and weekends with their kids???
Even if you stay at home with the kids, you still are overwhelmed in a different way (as in your job doesn't pay which equates with lack of recognition for your labors) and also, you then deal with the friction between your working friends and youself which means still you're not doing things right.
So, basically regardless of what you decide, people will give judge your choices! Even with TWO kids, I find myself pressured into having more. Someone like a hairdresser or a grocery clerk will decide for me that two boys are not enough and will scoff at me when I say, "NO WAY, I'm done!" I notice the people who tend to push are also ones who'd be sleeping soundly while I'm changing this third child's diaper at three AM. Those who are close to my kids (like my MIL) are relieved/supportive that we stopped after two. lol
IrishEyes
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2005
- Messages
- 1,246
I am so glad to read so many different opinions on here! I was a little weary at first to open this thread, I thought it would be many mothers talking about how wonderful kids are, and nothing else, but you all have so many different backgrounds, and insightful things to say about this subject! Another reason I love pricescope!!
This is a touchy subject for me. I am 25 (still a young''n!) and have been married for 2 years. We don''t have any children, and we haven''t decided if we will or not. We do know that if we decide to, it won''t be for at least 5 years or so. I got pregnant when I was 20, while on the pill. Unfortunately ( or maybe fortunately, depending on how you want to look at it), I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was 7 weeks along when it was discovered. It''s a long story, but they didn''t actually find the sac in my tube until it was too late. The tube ruptured, I had emergency surgery, lost the tube and the baby. From there, the past 5 years have been a disaster health-wise. I have had numerous surgeries, for cysts, removing scar tissue, and cancerous cells that were discovered last year. I had surgery the day before Thanksgiving last year to remove a bad ovary. My doctors say I have a 40 percent chance of getting pregnant (which is still pretty good), but not a big chance of being able to carry full-term. I am an extremely high-risk case.
All this I have come to an understanding about within myself. I have accepted this. I mourn for the loss of my baby, but I was NOT ready then anyway to have a child, so I think it was Mother Nature''s way of saying " child, you are not ready for a baby". My husband and I returned home last year from a long deployment in the Middle East with the army, and we are loving our freedom! We love being able to do whatever we want and not have to worry about children. We are too selfish right now to have any children, and like what Jennifer said, we don''t want to bring a child into this world unless we REALLY want to. It''s just not fair to the child otherwise.
All my cousins are having kids right now. They are constantly pregnant or having kids, or talking about kids. Then they are asking me when Matt and I will have one. I finally told them that we are happy the way we are, and may never have any. GASP!!! They think I''m crazy. They seem to pity me for being childless, and they make these little comments about how self-involved I am for not wanting to have one. Funny, because I don''t envy them in the slightest. I know that when the time feels right, we will try to have one. If I don''t get that maternal drive, then we won''t. The important thing to me is staying healthy, living my life to the fullest, and having a husband that says he supports my decision no matter what. For those things, I am lucky. For now, I enjoy my friends children! They are so beautiful, and such a blast to be around, and that works for me....
To each their own!!! I do however, have a tremendous amount of respect for mothers!! You have one tough job, and often don''t get the credit you deserve!!!
This is a touchy subject for me. I am 25 (still a young''n!) and have been married for 2 years. We don''t have any children, and we haven''t decided if we will or not. We do know that if we decide to, it won''t be for at least 5 years or so. I got pregnant when I was 20, while on the pill. Unfortunately ( or maybe fortunately, depending on how you want to look at it), I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was 7 weeks along when it was discovered. It''s a long story, but they didn''t actually find the sac in my tube until it was too late. The tube ruptured, I had emergency surgery, lost the tube and the baby. From there, the past 5 years have been a disaster health-wise. I have had numerous surgeries, for cysts, removing scar tissue, and cancerous cells that were discovered last year. I had surgery the day before Thanksgiving last year to remove a bad ovary. My doctors say I have a 40 percent chance of getting pregnant (which is still pretty good), but not a big chance of being able to carry full-term. I am an extremely high-risk case.
All this I have come to an understanding about within myself. I have accepted this. I mourn for the loss of my baby, but I was NOT ready then anyway to have a child, so I think it was Mother Nature''s way of saying " child, you are not ready for a baby". My husband and I returned home last year from a long deployment in the Middle East with the army, and we are loving our freedom! We love being able to do whatever we want and not have to worry about children. We are too selfish right now to have any children, and like what Jennifer said, we don''t want to bring a child into this world unless we REALLY want to. It''s just not fair to the child otherwise.
All my cousins are having kids right now. They are constantly pregnant or having kids, or talking about kids. Then they are asking me when Matt and I will have one. I finally told them that we are happy the way we are, and may never have any. GASP!!! They think I''m crazy. They seem to pity me for being childless, and they make these little comments about how self-involved I am for not wanting to have one. Funny, because I don''t envy them in the slightest. I know that when the time feels right, we will try to have one. If I don''t get that maternal drive, then we won''t. The important thing to me is staying healthy, living my life to the fullest, and having a husband that says he supports my decision no matter what. For those things, I am lucky. For now, I enjoy my friends children! They are so beautiful, and such a blast to be around, and that works for me....
To each their own!!! I do however, have a tremendous amount of respect for mothers!! You have one tough job, and often don''t get the credit you deserve!!!
MichelleCarmen
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2003
- Messages
- 15,880
hahaha - I have to laugh because I see two types of moms all the time at the park and play places we go to. The ones who act soooo mommy like and life is all dandy & about the kids and then the normal ones who admit to both good and bad times with their kids. I cannot stand the fake ones!
One day at a play center (where kids play, moms sit on the side), one of the moms was overly interactive with her kids, climbing up into the tubes, going down slides, laughing, cooing, etc., and I could tell from her looks that she didn''t approve of me reading a fashion mag while my kids worked off some energy. After playing with her kids for a while, she started burning out and became snippy toward her children and finally reached the criticle point after they started fussing, and took their arms and pulled them out of there rather roughly.
It was actually funny to me and I couldn''t help but laughing. It''s funny how even the, "kids are so great that I appreciate every moment" parents still have a point they reach where they taste reality for a minute or two.
I love my kids but they are boys, ages two and four, so it''d take a lobotomy for me to say every day is sunny days and green pastures! lol They''re fun to be with and also trying at times. We make it work.
We had our kids when I was 26 and 32. My husband is a year older. Unfortunatley I was unable to have any more children without extreme risk to my life and the child''s.
Our sons are grown and moved out. I wanted to adopt at least one more child but my husband would not hear of it. I even tried to adopt a 14 year old girl several years ago. I had heard about her through a lawyer. Her father had left them and her mother was in the hospital dying of cancer and was interviewing prospective adoptive parents. I even discussed it with my sons because everything would be divided in three instead of two in our wills. They were okay with it.
I missed having children around the house and would have loved to have a daughter. As it happened, one of the social workers in the hospital the mother was in was an acquaintance of mine. She said the girl was an excellent student and very special. She was single and had even considered adopting her herself but felt she was too set in her ways to take in a child.
I had hoped my sons would marry young and that I would have grandchildren but they are in no hurry. Each time I think one of them is serious, the relationship is over. I cannot imagine my life without children but I guess I am old fashioned.
Our sons are grown and moved out. I wanted to adopt at least one more child but my husband would not hear of it. I even tried to adopt a 14 year old girl several years ago. I had heard about her through a lawyer. Her father had left them and her mother was in the hospital dying of cancer and was interviewing prospective adoptive parents. I even discussed it with my sons because everything would be divided in three instead of two in our wills. They were okay with it.
I missed having children around the house and would have loved to have a daughter. As it happened, one of the social workers in the hospital the mother was in was an acquaintance of mine. She said the girl was an excellent student and very special. She was single and had even considered adopting her herself but felt she was too set in her ways to take in a child.
I had hoped my sons would marry young and that I would have grandchildren but they are in no hurry. Each time I think one of them is serious, the relationship is over. I cannot imagine my life without children but I guess I am old fashioned.
Bagpuss
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2003
- Messages
- 830
I don''t think anyone should have children unless they are 100% committed to wanting them.
I''m sure that some have had kids by accident or kind of fallen in with the idea that they should and luckily ended up loving them to bits, but that''s a huge risk to take with another human being''s life and wellbeing.
My own timeline was as follows. I met dh when I was 19, was married at 22 (dh 24) but we deliberately waited until we were settled and ready for a family - educationally, financially, emotionally. We treasured those 10 years we had to ourselves. It made us a very strong, stable couple. My biological clock started ticking with a vengance when I hit 28 and I knew it was the right time for me. I didn''t have any problems conceiving and was 30 having my son, 32 having my daughter.
They''ll both be graduated in 2 years time and we''ll only be in our middle fifties and can start being a ''couple'' all over again.
It worked out great for us, but even good kids can be very hard work and shouldn''t be taken on unless they''re really wanted.
I''m sure that some have had kids by accident or kind of fallen in with the idea that they should and luckily ended up loving them to bits, but that''s a huge risk to take with another human being''s life and wellbeing.
My own timeline was as follows. I met dh when I was 19, was married at 22 (dh 24) but we deliberately waited until we were settled and ready for a family - educationally, financially, emotionally. We treasured those 10 years we had to ourselves. It made us a very strong, stable couple. My biological clock started ticking with a vengance when I hit 28 and I knew it was the right time for me. I didn''t have any problems conceiving and was 30 having my son, 32 having my daughter.
They''ll both be graduated in 2 years time and we''ll only be in our middle fifties and can start being a ''couple'' all over again.
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2004
- Messages
- 26,551
HI:
I have several friends who had their kids "while young" and they are still supporting and livng together for one legit reason or another--second Master''s Degree or Ph.D''s, health and mental health issues--so as life is not perscriptive, initial plans/motivations often go awry........
I consider myself the poster child for not wanting to get married or have children. When I got engaged both my parents were astounded, and one more than one occasion they suggested I think the better of my decision. Smart people they are, since I spent the first few years of marriage I frequently questioning my decision to marry, and suffice it to say the thought of having kids was as about as remote to me as dating Albert Einstein. For many years I was not looking for anymore demands on my time and energy
But as the years passed, my feelings and priorities changed. In all honesty, and despite our very full and active lives, I was very bored and really felt I needed a change. And I guess for me, that "change" included becoming a parent. I was 33 when I had my son, and while it was not in my stars to have more, I feel blessed for "just" one. In hindsight I am glad my husband hid my car keys in those first few trying years of marriage, because we are happily married in our 19th year--20 anniversary this year--and enjoy our family life immensley. For me, I feel that everything I have done to date pales by comparison to motherhood.
But this is representiative of only me; and the decision to have a family or not is as individual as it is deeply personal. And if you had told me at 30 that in two years I would have a baby, I would have laughed out loud.
One thing for sure, my life now is rarely boring.......................
cheers--Sharon
I have several friends who had their kids "while young" and they are still supporting and livng together for one legit reason or another--second Master''s Degree or Ph.D''s, health and mental health issues--so as life is not perscriptive, initial plans/motivations often go awry........
I consider myself the poster child for not wanting to get married or have children. When I got engaged both my parents were astounded, and one more than one occasion they suggested I think the better of my decision. Smart people they are, since I spent the first few years of marriage I frequently questioning my decision to marry, and suffice it to say the thought of having kids was as about as remote to me as dating Albert Einstein. For many years I was not looking for anymore demands on my time and energy
But as the years passed, my feelings and priorities changed. In all honesty, and despite our very full and active lives, I was very bored and really felt I needed a change. And I guess for me, that "change" included becoming a parent. I was 33 when I had my son, and while it was not in my stars to have more, I feel blessed for "just" one. In hindsight I am glad my husband hid my car keys in those first few trying years of marriage, because we are happily married in our 19th year--20 anniversary this year--and enjoy our family life immensley. For me, I feel that everything I have done to date pales by comparison to motherhood.
But this is representiative of only me; and the decision to have a family or not is as individual as it is deeply personal. And if you had told me at 30 that in two years I would have a baby, I would have laughed out loud.
One thing for sure, my life now is rarely boring.......................
cheers--Sharon
Whatever "acting sooo mommy like" means. You can love being a mom, enjoy everything about it and still have whatever you consider "reality". Those who have kids know that. The interesting thing I see is those who dont'' have children "by choice" always say the same thing about being able to do whatever they want when they want. That''s fine, but don''t ever for a minute just assume that those who have children resent them (the kids) for it. I''ve raised mine and they are wonderful adults now and I loved every minute of raising them. We had no "teenage" issues, maybe because they are boys, but I found it all pretty wonderful. Tiring, yes, frustrating, at times, but nothing I would ever trade for anything else. Like the fact I stayed home and raised them, I will never look back and regret having them. Now, I''m on the other end and we can enjoy the people we raised. Of course, once you have children, you never think just of yourself. You can''t. It''s part of the equation. It''s not even really a choice, it''s a pleasure.
Bikergirl
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2004
- Messages
- 126
My perspective - I really *really* admire people who can be good parents. Seems like there are LOTS of parents out there, but not nearly as many good parents as one would hope.
I grew up in foster care, but I know my entire family. Being through the "system" I know what it''s like to be very unstable and not know where you might end up next month (had a court date every month for years to see if my dad was doing his part to get me back in the home). My mom got pregnant to get my dad to marry her, and it was all downhill from there.
I''m 29 (will be 30 in a few months) and I''ve known for a VERY long time that I don''t want children of my own. Some days I feel like I have a hard enough time being responsible just for me - add a husband on top of that and I sometimes feel like I''m at my wits end! We have three dogs (a Dachschund, a Jack Russell, and a Pomeranian) who are our "kids." I won''t say that they don''t misbehave (because they do), but they are always happy to see me, and they always have lots of doggie kisses for me, even when I''m grumpy.
I race bicycles and compete in triathlons, and most of my friends also compete in these events (we spend so much time training together, it''s kind of hard to have a social life outside that). I know a lot of people who are parents, but who are always stressed because they don''t have enough time with their spouse/kids. If they spend more time at home, they will be less competitive (which means less income = not as good of a provider). It''s very frustrating to them, because it seems like no matter what they do, it will be the wrong decision. I''d just rather not put myself in that position!
There are people I work with who just can''t understand my decision not to have children. I''ve had people ask downright rude questions, and imply that I can''t possibly be a "whole" person without children. I wouldn''t go so far as to say that I feel pressured to have kids, because I honestly don''t want any, but I definitely know what you guys are saying. There are lots of times that DH and I are the only ones without kids, but our friends understand and don''t give us (too much) grief about it, so that really helps.
I grew up in foster care, but I know my entire family. Being through the "system" I know what it''s like to be very unstable and not know where you might end up next month (had a court date every month for years to see if my dad was doing his part to get me back in the home). My mom got pregnant to get my dad to marry her, and it was all downhill from there.
I''m 29 (will be 30 in a few months) and I''ve known for a VERY long time that I don''t want children of my own. Some days I feel like I have a hard enough time being responsible just for me - add a husband on top of that and I sometimes feel like I''m at my wits end! We have three dogs (a Dachschund, a Jack Russell, and a Pomeranian) who are our "kids." I won''t say that they don''t misbehave (because they do), but they are always happy to see me, and they always have lots of doggie kisses for me, even when I''m grumpy.
I race bicycles and compete in triathlons, and most of my friends also compete in these events (we spend so much time training together, it''s kind of hard to have a social life outside that). I know a lot of people who are parents, but who are always stressed because they don''t have enough time with their spouse/kids. If they spend more time at home, they will be less competitive (which means less income = not as good of a provider). It''s very frustrating to them, because it seems like no matter what they do, it will be the wrong decision. I''d just rather not put myself in that position!
There are people I work with who just can''t understand my decision not to have children. I''ve had people ask downright rude questions, and imply that I can''t possibly be a "whole" person without children. I wouldn''t go so far as to say that I feel pressured to have kids, because I honestly don''t want any, but I definitely know what you guys are saying. There are lots of times that DH and I are the only ones without kids, but our friends understand and don''t give us (too much) grief about it, so that really helps.
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2003
- Messages
- 22,161
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2003
- Messages
- 22,161
Bikergirl
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2004
- Messages
- 126
Date: 3/7/2005 5:10:18 PM
Author: Momoftwo
but don''t ever for a minute just assume that those who have children resent them (the kids)
...
I''ve raised mine and they are wonderful adults now and I loved every minute of raising them.
...
Of course, once you have children, you never think just of yourself. You can''t. It''s part of the equation. It''s not even really a choice, it''s a pleasure.
A Girl''s Best Friend
That''s exactly what I was trying to say when I said that I know more parents than *good* parents. That''s also why I don''t want kids - I know myself too well to think that I could always put my children''s needs before mine. MomofTwo - I''m glad there are parents who have this attitude toward their children!
Author: Momoftwo
but don''t ever for a minute just assume that those who have children resent them (the kids)
...
I''ve raised mine and they are wonderful adults now and I loved every minute of raising them.
...
Of course, once you have children, you never think just of yourself. You can''t. It''s part of the equation. It''s not even really a choice, it''s a pleasure.
You are to be commended. In my experience it is a rare person who has no ambivalence, however. Therefore, I think you are a very rare commodity indeed!
A Girl''s Best Friend
That''s exactly what I was trying to say when I said that I know more parents than *good* parents. That''s also why I don''t want kids - I know myself too well to think that I could always put my children''s needs before mine. MomofTwo - I''m glad there are parents who have this attitude toward their children!
aljdewey
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2002
- Messages
- 9,170
icekid
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 17, 2004
- Messages
- 7,476
HAHA, is it really wrong that i want to adopt kids just so i don''t mess up my body??? my future hubby definitely wants our "own" unfortunately. i am hoping that i will only have to carry one, and then we can adopt one or two. i love kids, am excited to be a parent someday, but being pregnant just doesn''t sound like fun to me. plus i am tiny, and i think it will be pretty tough on my body- not to mention those pesky stretch marks that my stomach is sure to develop.Date: 3/7/2005 2:353 PM
Author: Mara
Plus no stetch marks!!
however, bf and i definitely want to have kids- eventually. i am 23, and a medical student so it definitely won''t be for a while! i''m hoping early thirties... i figure my training should be finished when i am 33, or 34??? but i might just suck it up and have baby while i''m a resident. i am really glad that my bf and i will have been together 8 or 10 years before we have kids though! i want to enjoy just being "us" and continue building a strong bond.
i really don''t feel like the kids will tie us down, personally. by the time we have kids, we will financially be in a place where we can afford to leave them w/ the grandparents and do our own thing for a while. not to mention that i will almost definitely have a nanny, so my career really won''t be taking a big hit. (no one wants a doctor who was awake all night with a baby! nor do i want to be that doctor.)
i''m really glad though that it seems so many people here have the presence of mind to know that having children is not for everyone! societal pressure can be tough, but it''s so not worth it to have a messed up kid to make someone else happy.
p.s. i hope my bf and i are not jerks for moving away from our family. we love them dearly, but HATE buffalo!
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2003
- Messages
- 22,161
- Status
300x240.png)