the good,the bad of having kids earlier in life is....

[Patty]

Patty,

Deb

A Girl''s Best Friend

Ah ha! Thanks Deb! I was hitting reply, then quote and it didn''t work that way.

 

[MINE!!]

I am 30 years old this year. I have 2 children 9 and 6. Both of my kids will be in college by the time I turn 42. I got married young to a navy man and divorced young as well. I have been a single mom for 5 years. I went back to college about 4 years ago. I will graduate this fall. I have just gotten engaged to my History Prof..LOL... it is quite a story. I am glad that I had them when I was younger, But I wish that I had gotten my ed. first. But hind sight is 20/20. NOW... my fiance is talking about having 1 more in the future, just one.. one of his own. Although he loves my children VERY much... I can understand. I am more afraid of having one now.. (ironically, I have a more stable lifestyle now, less money worries, etc.. and LOL this is when I am scared!!)

But I wouldn''t change my decisions for the world. I have two of the most amazing, talented, smart, beautiful baby girls in the world.!!!

 

[Bikergirl]

Date: 3/7/2005 8:22:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 3/7/2005 8:13:53 PM
Author: AGBF



When my daughter was in pre-school and I made friends with the mothers of other little girls one asked me if I had a difficult labor. I said, ''No...it was really easy,'' then told her my daughter had been adopted. In reality, adoption was hard. Very demanding. But not frightening to me like childbirth.

Deb

I think it takes a special person to adopt. That''s wonderful you did so, so my kudos to you. I come from a culture where little girls are often abandoned, and I have a lot of respect for people who go through the very time consuming/money draining/demanding process in order to give a better life to a child, and enrich their own lives pricelessly in the process.

Sorry if I am diverting from the topic!

I also think that''s very special - but for a much different reason.

The other (much more personal) reason I don''t want to have kids - I already had one. I was a bit rebelious as a child (refer back to previous post about being in foster care for more background info). I got pregnant when I was 15 and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, BIG boy 5 days after my 16th birthday. I had a lot of people "advise" me to get an abortion, but I really couldn''t do that. I can understand why some people would make that choice, and I certainly don''t hold it against them if they do. But I couldn''t see punishing someone else (the baby) because I did something stupid. Anyway....

I contacted an adoption counsellor and did what''s called an "open" adoption. I was given profiles of around 100 families (can''t remember the exact number) and narrowed it down to 5, then got more info on those 5, narrowed it down to 2, then met the two sets of parents in person for an "interview." I was allowed to choose the family my baby went to. They are great people - have really good values, strong morals, they had adopted another son who is 2.5 years older, they were the "perfect" Leave-It-To-Beaver family. So I gave my only child the thing he deserved most - a good life with a stable family.

I still get updates from time to time - not because it''s required, but because the family doesn''t want him to have a big traumatic unveiling one day that he''s adopted. He''s been told since he was a tiny baby that he''s adopted, and they have always requested that I send pictures so he can see what I look like and how I''m doing.

So to me, people that adopt and save a child''s life are as precious as the children themselves.

 

[LuvthatSparkle]

I am the oldest of 5 siblings. My parents had me, divorced and remarried other people, My mom has 3 from her marriage and my father has 1 from his. Needless to say there''s a 13 year diffierence between me and my siblings. I''m 36 years old. From 13 - 21 yrs. old I baby sat. I baby sat so much I couldn''t handle the mere idea of having children. I loved my brother''s and sister''s (I have two of each) and I love telling them stories of their antics as babies! And sometimes they felt like my children, I nearly had a coronary on my youngest sisters first day of kindergarten, I thought she was too little!!! I was 17 years old. I moved out at 19 and started my own life. I went on birth control and I haven''t looked back. 6 years ago I tried getting pregnant and I miscarried. Turns out I have fibroids. My Doctor''s aren''t sure if they caused my miscarriage but I''ve been scared off pregnancy since. It was a horrible experience that I don''t want to reapeat. Well two years ago my brother''s 18 year old girlfriend had a baby, my nephew. My brother said, why couldn''t it have been you! I told him don''t worry about that, it''s not like I didn''t try. But I have decided to try again. I''ve got a specialist, I''m eating healthy and exercising. Trying to give myself the best chance at having a healthy pregnancy and carrying to term. It was never my plan to have children this late in life, however, it''s happened and all I can do is deal. The good news is the age gap between my children and my siblings children will be smaller and I didn''t realize how great that makes me feel. I''m scared, terrified even, but I have the support of my family and my Fiance. My fiance and I are planning to "officially" get engaged and then get pregnant. And we get married when we get married. Protocol is out the window! I couldn''t imagine the stress of planning a wedding, with my health problems and being pregnant!!! We have decided that if I do have another miscarriage (I am at high risk due to the fibroids) we can consider adoption.

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Date: 3/7/2005 8:53:52 PM
Author: Jennifer5973
OMG--I just have to say that no one is a ''jerk'' for moving away from his/her parents!!!

See--this statement is further evidence of my self-absorbtion and unreadiness to have a kid--it''s all about me, me, me!

In all seriousness, there are a lot of great perspectives and shared life experiences in this thread on both sides of the coin.

Hahahahaha!! Jen!! I was just joshing you! I know how sweet you are!

 

[jaysonsmom]

Date: 3/8/2005 10:29:39 AM
Author: Bikergirl


So to me, people that adopt and save a child''s life are as precious as the children themselves.

I admire your strength in your decision, and there''s no doubt that your baby is well loved, not only by the adoptive parents, but by a caring birth mother who wanted the best for her baby.

 

[Patty]

Good luck LuvmySparkles. I hope it all works out for the best for you!

 

[sevens one]

It''s so nice how everyone is ''opening up" here.
Having/not having kids: always a good discussion.


Biker Girl- your selfless decision, though the most difficult, is truly admirable.

We ALL know I''ve got kids and that I was a youngin when they came around.

I wanted kids early so that they would know my wonderful parents.

I Know I made the right decision for me.

 

[Bikergirl]

Date: 3/8/2005 12:35:40 PM
Author: sevens one
It''s so nice how everyone is ''opening up'' here.
Having/not having kids: always a good discussion.


Biker Girl- your selfless decision, though the most difficult, is truly admirable.

We ALL know I''ve got kids and that I was a youngin when they came around.

I wanted kids early so that they would know my wonderful parents.

I Know I made the right decision for me.

I think you''re right, 7s-1! The key is that each person/couple has to make their own decision, based on what is right for them. I truly admire your strength, and your story is truly amazing!

All of you stay-at-home mothers - there is no way I could do what you do. I would go absolutely batty!

I love kids, but I know that I don''t have what it takes to be a good parent. Heck, sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes just to be me! LOL

If you choose to have kids, when you have them, how you raise them - all of those things are very personal. You have to make your own decisions and not let outside factors (like friends or other family members) influence you.

I''m involved in charitable organizations, and I work with youth on a regular basis. For me, that''s perfect. It fills any sense of "void" that I might temporarily have, but I can go home at the end of the day and know that they are ultimately not my responsibility. Some people think I''m ridiculous for feeling that way, but for me it works.

Just be comfortable with yourself, your relationship, and your decision. The rest will work itself out.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/8/2005 12:35:40 PM
Author: sevens one
I Know I made the right decision for me.

This really goes right to the heart of the matter. This is really the essence of what''s important, and I''m glad Seven''s brought it up.

It''s nice to have a discussion about why people feel/choose the way they do. However, because we all value different things, we may see things differently. If Rhonda says it''s important to her to be a young parent, that doesn''t automatically mean she thinks *everyone* else should choose to, or that her choice is more right/wrong than anyone else''s. It just means it''s what''s important to HER.

The reasons I may choose not to have children may be right for me but not right for someone else.
The reasons Alice chooses to have children might be right for her, but not right for someone else.

 

[youngster]

That''s very nicely said, aljdewey.

 

[Patty]

I wanted kids early so that they would know my wonderful parents.
I Know I made the right decision for me.

Sevens, I''m so glad that your kids got to know your mom. We lost my mom when I was 35. When she was sick, I remember thinking that I was SO glad that I''d married and had my kids young. Not only did they get to know my kids, I had both of my parents nearby for those oh-so-needed grandma/grandpa breaks!

 

[Jennifer5973]

Bikergirl, I am truly touched by your experience. Thank you for opening up about such a monumental experience/decision in your life.

 

[jenwill]

I totally agree that whichever one is/was the right choice for you is the right choice...for you.

My mom was 19 when she had me..the bonuses: during my teens up through to today, we like/do the same things. Being able to ''borrow'' her clothes! For her a bonus is that I moved out when she was 37,

!
The not quite so much bonuses: She married young and divorced young..and she supported me alone. So, not much money, lotsa times working 2-3 jobs, luckily neither of us knew any better, so it didn''t matter too much. Although I grew up next to an affluent area (Hillsborough/Burlingame/San Mateo Park) with kids who had designer EVERYTHING and new cars at 16, so there were definitely moments of feeling the ''want'' if not the ''need''.

I am 34 now, and hopefully will be engaged soon. In our plans, we are looking at havving children. Hoping to be able to have first one when I am 37, second around 39/40. There are moments that i think it would be neat to be closer in age to my future children, but other moments when I think...I could not imagine having a 15 year old child right now. I have just started to feel really capable in the last couple of years.

My mother is thrilled I waited. She did not want me to go through what she went through...having to grow up VERY quickly and be responsible for another person before really being able to be comfortable being responsible for myself. She wanted me to be able to have some fun while the rest of my friends were having fun...and not to feel like I was missing out. She loves me, and I do not doubt that, but I also know she would have loved to have had at least a couple of carefree years before I came along. She has been able to do whatver she wants since 37, but by that time she was embroiled in a true grown up world... rent/mortgage, bills, working etc. None of that time that I was able to have being in my early twenties- working and supporting myself, but not feeling the true pressure of what it means to be grown up.

BTW, my mom will probably have more energy to run around after my kids than I will...she runs and exercises daily- perfectly fit and perky! On the other hand, I could stand to lose 10 (or 30!)

Being young parents or old, or not parents at all- there is no perfect way, only what works in your life.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/8/2005 10:29:39 AM
Author: Bikergirl

I got pregnant when I was 15 and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, BIG boy 5 days after my 16th birthday.
...

I contacted an adoption counsellor and did what's called an 'open' adoption.

...

I still get updates from time to time - not because it's required, but because the family doesn't want him to have a big traumatic unveiling one day that he's adopted. He's been told since he was a tiny baby that he's adopted, and they have always requested that I send pictures so he can see what I look like and how I'm doing.

I wish I knew where my daughter's birth mother is and how she is doing. She is in a very violent country and I do not know if she was able to go back to school as she had hoped to once she gave birth to our daughter. The orphanage I worked with did not have us meet the birth mother. She had to decide to relinquish her baby before anyone else was introduced to the baby. I did manage, with luck, to send her a card (which I translated into Spanish) with a personal message and to give her a Cross pen. As I told her in my card, I hope she was able to return to school to use the pen. She was a very good student in secondary school...in a country where going to secondary school is rare for anyone who is not upper class. She was a bright young woman and I always hope she has had a happy life...but I cannot know. It is wonderful for your biological son to know where you are. My daughter has always known she was adopted, too. She knew the word, "adopted" all her life. In fact she thought *everyone* was adopted!

We used to play a game when she was a toddler. I'd curl up with her under me on the bed and play the mama lion in the jungle having a baby lion. There we'd be, nice and close, and I'd get "the phone call" telling me my baby lion had been born! It was so exciting! I would hug her and kiss her and tell her she was the best baby lion in the world and I was so lucky to get her!

After we had been playing this for months she asked me, "How does a mother know her baby is there if she doesn't get a phone call?"...and so we discussed how her body tells her!!!

Deb

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 3/8/2005 5:45:36 PM
Author: AGBF

After we had been playing this for months she asked me, ''How does a mother know her baby is there if she doesn''t get a phone call?''...and so we discussed how her body tells her!!!

Deb

HI:

Out of the mouths of babes.....

cheers--Sharon

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/8/2005 5:20:58 PM
Author: jenwill
For her a bonus is that I moved out when she was 37,

!

Jenwill - My mom was only 37 when I moved out. She was very young! It trips me out to think that she was only five years older than the age I am now and she had a grown child rather than little kids like many now I know.

 

[Bikergirl]

Date: 3/8/2005 5:45:36 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 3/8/2005 10:29:39 AM
Author: Bikergirl

I got pregnant when I was 15 and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, BIG boy 5 days after my 16th birthday.
...

I contacted an adoption counsellor and did what''s called an ''open'' adoption.

...

I still get updates from time to time - not because it''s required, but because the family doesn''t want him to have a big traumatic unveiling one day that he''s adopted. He''s been told since he was a tiny baby that he''s adopted, and they have always requested that I send pictures so he can see what I look like and how I''m doing.

I wish I knew where my daughter''s birth mother is and how she is doing. She is in a very violent country and I do not know if she was able to go back to school as she had hoped to once she gave birth to our daughter. The orphanage I worked with did not have us meet the birth mother. She had to decide to relinquish her baby before anyone else was introduced to the baby. I did manage, with luck, to send her a card (which I translated into Spanish) with a personal message and to give her a Cross pen. As I told her in my card, I hope she was able to return to school to use the pen. She was a very good student in secondary school...in a country where going to secondary school is rare for anyone who is not upper class. She was a bright young woman and I always hope she has had a happy life...but I cannot know. It is wonderful for your biological son to know where you are. My daughter has always known she was adopted, too. She knew the word, ''adopted'' all her life. In fact she thought *everyone* was adopted!

We used to play a game when she was a toddler. I''d curl up with her under me on the bed and play the mama lion in the jungle having a baby lion. There we''d be, nice and close, and I''d get ''the phone call'' telling me my baby lion had been born! It was so exciting! I would hug her and kiss her and tell her she was the best baby lion in the world and I was so lucky to get her!

After we had been playing this for months she asked me, ''How does a mother know her baby is there if she doesn''t get a phone call?''...and so we discussed how her body tells her!!!

Deb

What a cute game! Yes, definitely time for "the talk." haha

Maybe someday you will learn more about the birthmother. If not, maybe it just wasn''t meant to be. But you are honoring her (in a way) by providing such a wonderful home for her baby - your daughter.

The adoptive family asked me once if they could send me a card for Mother''s Day. I told them I really appreciated the thought but I didn''t think it would be appropriate. It takes a lot more than just giving birth to actually be a mother. I think it''s awesome that you opened your heart to someone, and that you have what it takes to be her mother.

 

[ursulawrite]

I got married when I was 25 (almost 28 now) and, like you Jennifer, I honestly don''t know if I want kids. My friends and cousins are starting to have them now but I''ve never had one maternal feeling -- EVER! Don''t get me wrong; I love to play with my young nephews and such but I love my quiet time and I''ve always been a huge animal lover, envisaging a future filled with dogs, horses and cats over kids.

Still, I live in NYC, not the ''burbs, so the pressure to have children hasn''t been too bad yet.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hey all - I just stumbled on this thread and wanted to contribute a slightly different perspective than I saw (although I may have missed something!)

My parents were definitely older when they had me, in fact, I was a "physical impossibility," who arrived shortly after my due date and perfectly healthy, if a bit small (5 lbs but I don''t think my mom was complaining about that one

). I had a difficult relationship with her when I was younger but as I''ve gotten older I''ve gotten to a place where she and I share a lot of things we like and hang out quite a bit - she''s like a very good friend with a whole lot of extra experience. Granted, I think that both she and my dad are kind of exceptions to the rule - they both had children both very early (late teens/early twenties) and very late in life (my dad and stepmom adopted my sister, who is now 15, and my dad will be 70 next summer), but they are both fairly active, very intellectually "with it" people, extremely brilliant and interesting.

Which brings me to my own interesting dilemma. They both had definite weaknesses as parents, both with me and with the kids they had earlier in life, and in both cases, their relationship with me is much better than with the kids they had earlier. This would seem to argue for kids later in life, but I"ve only recently gotten to the point where I am *pretty* sure I want kids. I am in graduate school, like JCJD, but definitely don''t want a kid while I am in school, but I''m not sure when one has them in this scientist career path. On the other hand, the idea of being young when kids are born and getting to have the time after they leave the house is very appealing to me as well. Lots of thinking to do about that...

Anyway, I got a little off topic, I guess my point was just that I wanted to share my experience of having had a good relationship with my parents even though they are older - I don''t feel like I can''t relate to them at all (for reference I have my stepmother who is 19 years younger than my dad and was around while I was growing up) compared to younger adults. I do think there are limitations to having children later in life, but I think being able to relate to your children is a matter of many different things. In the case of my parents that fact that they have been so intellectually and physically active during their entire lives helps them understand where I''m coming from a lot of the time and I think makes their lives richer in general.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/10/2005 5

5:25 PM
Author: AmberGretchen


I am in graduate school, like JCJD, but definitely don't want a kid while I am in school, but I'm not sure when one has them in this scientist career path. On the other hand, the idea of being young when kids are born and getting to have the time after they leave the house is very appealing to me as well. Lots of thinking to do about that...

My husband was on the "scientific career path" when our first son was born. He was studying physics and worked long hours both in the lab and also at home in the office (plus worked a PT job). He barely saw our son during the first year of his life and after graduating, changed fields so he could be more active in family life.

I'm not sure how well schooling and working goes for everyone, but some can make it work. . .one of my husband's co-workers was finishing up his PhD when he had his first child, so for his planning, timing worked out in favor for the family and he's happy with his career choice.

It just comes down to what works best for your family and how well you can multi task (or how much you want to multi task

).

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/10/2005 6:55:52 PM
Author: MichelleCarmen
My husband was on the 'scientific career path' when our first son was born. He was studying physics and worked long hours both in the lab and also at home in the office (plus worked a PT job). He barely saw our son during the first year of his life and after graduating, changed fields so he could be more active in family life.

I'm not sure how well schooling and working goes for everyone, but some can make it work. . .one of my husband's co-workers was finishing up his PhD when he had his first child, so for his planning, timing worked out in favor for the family and he's happy with his career choice.

It just comes down to what works best for your family and how well you can multi task (or how much you want to multi task

).

I am not sure that multi-tasking is enough to keep parents sane and children nurtured if two people are pursuing Ph.D.s or M.D.s while parenting young children. I think the couple has to wait until they are through with school (or one is) and then that either someone has to stay home OR they must agree that come hell or high water, the careers (that means the mother's, the father's was never in doubt!) come first.

If the couple has children after obtaining their education it comes down to the woman's having to choose between children and work (as a FIRST priority).

I have two examples, one of each lifestyle:

My cousin, who met his wife when he was an undergraduate and she was his teacher, did not have children unti after he finished his MD and she finished her Ph.D. They, then, worked together doing research throughtout the entire lives of their two sons. She did not try to stay at home.

Two friends-both with Ph.D.s from Yale (he in Physics, she in Neuro-biology): they had their children after obtaining their degrees, too. He ended up as a banker doing mortgage derivatives and she stayed home.

In both of the cases I know where both husband and wife had high powered scientific career potential the woman had to decide whether to work or to stay home.

 

[JCJD]

My dad is also an academic - PhD in biochem, now a genetics prof - and I was about 1 when he graduated. We did move around a lot when I was younger - WA to NC at age 1 (sister was born), NC to CO at age 3 or 4 (brother 1 was born), CO to PA at age 5 or 6 (brother 2 was born), PA to NE at age 12 (HATED him that time of course - I was in junior high and had to move!! But I ended up meeting FH in high school, so it all worked out for the best

). So that was what my dad did. My advisor (also a man) had his 2 kids while in graduate school, and yes, his wife had to tell him to come home to see his children many times. A female prof in my department didn''t plan on kids ever but was "surprised" with twins! I think just after accepting her job here too. She has become the ultimate multi-tasker - great teacher, great researcher, does her share of academic service, and is a loving mother and wife - I want to be like her when I grow up!! My undergraduate advisor and her husband didn''t have children partly because of choice and partly because they didn''t really see a "good" time to have children when travelling down their careers (both in academics). She did tell me that if I want kids, she learned through retrospection that one of the best times to have them is at the end of your PhD when you''re done with research and classes and are just writing your dissertation - you can push back your defense another semester if you choose, for example, and another good time is during a post-doc when you''re just doing research, not teaching or taking classes. I also think that if you truly want kids like we do, you will make time to have them like we are planning on doing. Children should be a blessing and an enrichment to your life, not a replacement of or the sole purpose to your life, IMHO. We are certainly not closed to the possibility that I might really want to be a stay-at-home mom after I have my children, but we''re also not closed to the possibility that I might choose to work and FH will want to be a stay-at-home dad! I don''t know if this answers any questions, contributes at all to this topic, or what, but that''s my contribution anyways!