The great name debate

[iheartscience]

Date: 3/5/2008 10:10:14 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 3/5/2008 9:43:27 PM

Author: thing2of2

Date: 3/5/2008 7:14:35 PM

Author: cara
Anyway I digress. It does make me sad when people say they are not feminists (def: a person who supports the advocacy of women''s rights on the grounds of social, political, and economic equality to men -- sure you''re not a feminist, Tgal?) or when women make certain sacrifices for the greater good (common family name, per se) and receive no credit for it, or worse, derision and the demand for more sacrifice, simply because they are female.

It makes me sad/angry, too. I always see and hear ''I''m not a feminist, but...'' and I just don''t understand it. I just want to say ''Oh, you don''t care about the right to vote, the ability to own property or equal pay for equal work? That''s cool I guess.'' Because seriously, that is what feminism is about. Equality. Not hairy arm pits and butch lesbians.

Many women don''t seem to realize that, and it''s really a shame, and also kind of ridiculous. This attitude is one of the major reasons that the U.S. is still so far behind the rest of the industrialized world when it comes to things like paid maternity and paternity leave and childcare, two issues that affect many women, many of whom would likely start off a sentence with ''I''m not a feminist, but...''

To each her own my dear...for me it depends on the definition.

I guess my problem is I don''t get sad or angry about too much....

Yeah, I don''t get sad or angry about much, either, but unfortunately, the culture of misogyny that we live in is just one of those things that I can''t let go. But hey, to each her own-that''s what makes America great, right?

 

[Octavia]

Date: 3/5/2008 11:02:17 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
(I think it is interesting that so many young women are choosing to keep their last names with the idea in mind that there are so many divorces. I almost think it is setting an expectation that the marriage is temporary to begin with.)

Diamondseeker, in a way I agree with this, if that really is the reasoning some women give...but in my case, FI is also the one who requested a prenup (which I think is extremely sensible and have always planned on, anyway). Isn''t that sort of the same thing, in theory -- hedging one''s bets against something we hope never happens?

I wouldn''t be marrying this man if I thought it was a temporary thing, but I also didn''t grow up thinking of my name as a temporary thing. I was never one of those adolescent girls who doodled a combo of my first and current crush''s last names. Even as a very young child, I had pretty much determined that I wouldn''t change my name when I got married. My last name is actually more tied into my self-identity than my first name, so what''s a girl to do? The idea that divorce is relatively common isn''t the issue for me, it''s deeper and more personal than that.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Not going through this, but I am from the South. And most of the women I know replaced their middle names with their maiden names when they got married. My mother did this, FI''s mother did this, grandmothers did it, etc. I think it''s very common here, well I know it is. Not everyone, but it is very common. So I don''t see the problem. I understand he is frustrated, but that is YOUR decision. I mean yes you should talk to him about it, but he needs to understand it''s your choice. It is changing and like I said in some areas it is traditional.

 

[staceybelle]

Date: 3/5/2008 11:02:17 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Zoe, I am obviously from a different generation and very traditional, but at the time I married, it was the ''proper'' thing for educated women to take the husband''s last name and use their maiden name for their middle name (drop the original middle name). Another well known example is Hillary Rodham Clinton, etc. I sign my name with my first name, middle initial from maiden name, and last name same as husband. So please tell him that IS the traditional way to do it!!!

(I think it is interesting that so many young women are choosing to keep their last names with the idea in mind that there are so many divorces. I almost think it is setting an expectation that the marriage is temporary to begin with.)

DS, I thought it was interesting you mentioned Hillary Rodham Clinton. I''ve read that she kept her maiden name when she was first married, but she added "Clinton" when her husband''s bid for re-election as Governor of Arkansas failed, because some Arkansas voters thought it was improper for her not to use her husband''s name. Bill Clinton won the next election, after his wife had started using his name. I''m sure there were other factors at work in Bill''s case, but I think it''s interesting (and somewhat disturbing) that a woman''s decision whether to take her husband''s name plays into his political fortunes.

Sorry to divert from the original subject of the thread -- I agree with you, DS, that what Zoe is proposing is extremely traditional, and I wonder why her FI is objecting so strongly. I''m sorry that you''re having to go through this, Zoe, and I hope that by the time your FI has had some time to process he''ll warm up to the idea.

 

[Pandora II]

I think your FI is being unreasonable.

Actually, this thread has got me thinking.

I already have a double-barrelled surname, whereas FI has a short surname.

He is quite keen to hyphenate his surname with the second half of mine (sounds better that way round) - I could then move the first part of my surname to be my middle name as I don''t have a middle name.

I''m going to have to ask him about this one.

To begin with he was keen to take my surname rather than me take his - funnily enough it was my brother who went nuts about the idea and said it wasn''t allowed! Almost made me want to do it.

I feel quite odd about his FI taking MY surname - but that''s probably because I really dislike her. I also find it odd to have the same surname as his step-mother who I also dislike quite intensely!

 

[Gypsy]

Yeah. Zoe... other's have said it much better than I can. He's just flat out WRONG.

I'm going to use my maiden name as my middle name. And at WORK I will keep my maiden name. And you know what? I can't stand my father, and when I was a teenager wanted to change my last name to my mother's maiden name. But now? It's my identity. And I'm sorry, no one has a right to dictate that.

 

[Rhea]

After a couple days to think about it, does your DH still feel the same way? I''ve found that anytime I feel strongly about something if I give it a few days and discuss it again then most of the time DH doesn''t actually care as much as we both thought he did at first.

I do think that YOUR name isn''t HIS choice. It''s your name. You have to call yourself by it, explain to people why you are called that, sign it, and fill out all the paper to change it if you choose. For all intents and purposes your DH is still getting his way, you will have his last name.

For the record, I kept my birth name and am enjoying it immensely. I had to fill out some paperwork the other day and it was, in my mind, cut much shorter by skipping the "any other names used" section and what dates you used them from and why you changed names (it was paperwork for a criminal records check for my work so it''s fairly picky). DH enjoys his hyphenated name (he has both his parent''s names) and while we don''t want children, if we change our minds they will get some combination of the names, my last name and one of his.

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks for all of the responses. My FI and I have decided to agree to disagree for now. I''ll handle this sticky situation the best way for me and my FI will have to go along with it. I know this topic has come up here in the past, but it''s always an interesting one. I like hearing what people choose to do for themselves.

 

[smiles]

i dont know how it works but from your post i would reccomend not hiring the photographer until you''re say getting ready and just get a friend to take the pictures of you getting your hair and makeup done... you''ve just eliminated one hour of wait time plus the actual time youre getting your hair done and it may be only 7 hours....?

 

[KimberlyH]

I took my husband''s name, just tacked it on to the end of my whole name, so now I have two middle names like you want to do. There was no argument. I don''t think it even warranted a discussion. It was just "I''m going to be Kimberly MiddleName MiddleName LastName." to which he replied "O.K." or "whatever" or some other inocuous thing.

It is, like so many things in life, such a personal decision. I''m glad I took his name as all of his family is deceased and it''s important to me that he feels like he has a family of his own (mine is huge and very present in our lives, I wanted to make sure he felt his family''s presence and influence, in the lessons and love they left behind, in our life together) and one way to do so is through the sharing of a last name. But if I had chosen not to I can''t imagine him telling me I was out of line.

 

[LaraOnline]

I dunno.

I never really ''got'' the whole name debate, because my whole history of family life (on both sides) has been only men''s names.

My mother, my grandmothers, in fact ALL the women who did all the work raising the next generation since ...forever did not get their last name on a single one of their progeny.

My maiden last name was a man''s. Passed down to him from a man. Unfair huh? Talk about the patriarchy!

So I took my man''s too.

love my own family more than a bunch of GUYS I don''t know

 

[lauralu]

Well I hope after some time goes by your FI will realize that what you are wanting is a compromise that truly does work for both of you. Maybe he just needs time to get use to it.

This will be I and FI''s 2nd marriage.

When I got married the first time I fully expected to take my husband to be''s last name and sign mine away for good. After all, my last name was a source of cruel and unusual punishment all through my younger years. I was mercilessly teased by not only classmates but insensitive obnoxious teachers. Even at drs and dentists appointments when they would call me by my first and last name in the waiting areas they would pronounce it wrong just so they did not have to say the correct version of it.

Well when we went to the court house to get our marriage license I went to sign it with what my new last name would be and I could NOT do it....I was in shock...I had to go to the back of the line and try it again. Still I could not. So I hyphenated. I have used the hyphenated in all areas legally, professionally, personally since.

Now however, due to the fact I have my EX''s last name still attached to my last name. (I kept it all after my divorce because I wanted I and my girls to have the same last name for school reasons) I can''t wait to get rid of it all and take my FI''s last name. I am so so ready to have just ONE last name. His forever and ever.....

Thas my story....hope I did not put anyone to sleep with it..LOL

 

[musey]

Date: 3/7/2008 9:40:18 AM
Author: LaraOnline

My maiden last name was a man''s. Passed down to him from a man. Unfair huh? Talk about the patriarchy!

Yeah, this is how I tend to look at it for myself, as well. My name was given to me by someone else, so if I really wanted to claim independence and take back my "identity"... I should just choose an entirely new name.

Remember when Phoebe became Princess Consuela Bananahammock?

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 3/7/2008 2:30:03 PM
Author: musey

Date: 3/7/2008 9:40:18 AM
Author: LaraOnline

My maiden last name was a man''s. Passed down to him from a man. Unfair huh? Talk about the patriarchy!

Yeah, this is how I tend to look at it for myself, as well. My name was given to me by someone else, so if I really wanted to claim independence and take back my ''identity''... I should just choose an entirely new name.

Remember when Phoebe became Princess Consuela Bananahammock?

LOL I LOVE that episode!!! Then Mike becomes Crap Bag. Love it!!

 

[cara]

Date: 3/7/2008 2:30:03 PM
Author: musey

Date: 3/7/2008 9:40:18 AM

Author: LaraOnline


My maiden last name was a man's. Passed down to him from a man. Unfair huh? Talk about the patriarchy!

Yeah, this is how I tend to look at it for myself, as well. My name was given to me by someone else, so if I really wanted to claim independence and take back my 'identity'... I should just choose an entirely new name.


Remember when Phoebe became Princess Consuela Bananahammock?

Since we're still posting on this thread...

A woman's maiden name is usually her father's family name. But it is still the name that has been used to identify said woman since birth. It is her name, and when it changes you lose the continuity between the unmarried person and the married person. Similarly there are older divorced women that keep their ex-husband's name after divorce because it is the name that has identified them throughout their adult life. To up and change back to their maiden name is to erase the tie to their adult identity. At some point, it's not a woman's father's name or her husband's name, it is her name.

I know its a technical point that really doesn't affect most people, but for some reason this example really stuck with me:

A history professor of mine researched women and migration in colonial America. And she said while she could track John Smith from his birth in Massachusetts to his migration as a child to Ohio, and his later migrations to Missouri and California with his own family, it was exceedingly difficult to follow women over a similar migration pattern. Because it is very hard to figure out that Mrs. Robert Jones is the same person as Jane Smith. At best, you might figure out that Mrs. Robert Smith's Christian name is Jane and that she is the same age as Jane Smith. But she is usually also the same age as Jane White and Jane Black and Jane Greene, and on and on.

So the professor got only snippets of women's lives: the girlhood journey of Jane Smith from birth to marriage at 18, say, at which point she falls of the grid. The first wife of Mr. John Smith named Mary, from 17 to 36, when she dies. The second wife Mrs. John Smith named Eliza from 29 to 54. Who knows where Mary and Eliza was born or how many times they moved as children? The maiden names were not regularly recorded on documents, similar to today.

Not that anyone should let their naming choices be dictated by the needs of future historians

.

Its just the naming system is a mess. Hyphenate, and pass the problem on to future generations (when Mary Jones-Smith marries Roberto Rodriguez-Villagas, you know some name is going to lose when they procreate.) Renaming adults is less than ideal for many reasons, especially when your name is professionally important. And I know of foreign-born academic women that kept their maiden names for professional reasons but now carry their marriage licenses in their wallets so that they can be legally connected with their paternally-named children when they cross borders!

 

[musey]

Date: 3/7/2008 4:07:36 PM
Author: cara

To up and change back to their maiden name is to erase the tie to their adult identity.

But isn''t that what the "previous name" field on Facebook is for??

I guess I don''t really care about erasing any identity. I''m still me, and the people I actually care will be able to keep track of my name change. I actually kind of like being able to change my name and leave "Musey MaidenName" in the dust... it''s kinda like changing your phone number when you''re getting stalker phone calls

The only way to avoid name confusion would be to assign a completely new first, middle AND last name to every baby and have them carry that name forever.

 

[krisvrn]

Date: 3/4/2008 8:19:15 PM
Author:ZoeBartlett
Wow, I just unintentionally opened a big ol'' can of worms with my FI. We''ve gone round and round with this and I thought I''d finally come to sort of sgreement with him. Apparently, I''m wrong.


My FI has always wanted me to take his last name and I wanted to keep mine (more for sentimental reasons). He says that I''ll always be a Smith (not my real name) and that won''t change. As he just told me, I''ll always be my father''s daughter and that''s not going to change either.


I''ve recently decided to drop my middle name and tack on my FI''s last name to mine. I wouldn''t be hyphenating, just substituting my middle name with my last name. For some reason, my FI is very upset/disappointed with this. My kids at school will call me Mrs. FI''slastname and we''ll be known socially as ''the FI''slastname''s.'' When we have kids, we''ll all have same name, which is very important to my FI.


I don''t like that I''m hurting my FI by doing this but I honestly don''t see the issue here. He says what I want to do is holding back and in a sense, I''m not really changing anything. I''m not taking his name, I''m using it. Ugh.


Is anyone else going through this?

hello - i''ve been married for 5 yrs now but it''s perfectly fine to move your maiden name to the middle and add his last name . i dont see anything wrong with this. i dont see an issue either.

 

[krisvrn]

Date: 3/4/2008 9:26:25 PM
Author: Selkie

Date: 3/4/2008 8:19:15 PM

Author:ZoeBartlett


I''ve recently decided to drop my middle name and tack on my FI''s last name to mine. I wouldn''t be hyphenating, just substituting my middle name with my last name. For some reason, my FI is very upset/disappointed with this. My kids at school will call me Mrs. FI''slastname and we''ll be known socially as ''the FI''slastname''s.'' When we have kids, we''ll all have same name, which is very important to my FI.


I don''t like that I''m hurting my FI by doing this but I honestly don''t see the issue here. He says what I want to do is holding back and in a sense, I''m not really changing anything. I''m not taking his name, I''m using it. Ugh.


Is anyone else going through this?

I don''t get it?? This is a VERY common thing to do, I thought. My mom and grandmother did, most of my friends did it when they got married...in fact, I sort of thought it was the default. Maybe he just never thought about it? (After all, he probably never went around writing all the possible permutations of HIS married name on notebooks, like girls are rumored to do

) If you and he have female relatives who did it, make a list and point out that it''s not crazy talk!

Selkie - I agree with you. I thought this was a given to do this. I did it also.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/4/2008 9:19:12 PM
Author: cara

Not to mention that the solution you propose is a most traditional one. Laura Ingalls Wilder anyone?

Wow! Great posting, cara! I''m not usually on this forum. I wandered in looking for another thread I was vaguely following and got interested in what this thread might hold. I was really, really shocked that anyone would think that using one''s maiden name, as did Laura Ingalls Wilder, was unusual. I was married over 30 years ago and I considered that one of the normal ways in which married women signed their names. I never dropped my maiden name or my middle name, so technically I have four names, too. No one is obliged to use all of one''s names, however! (Think of how many Prince Charles has!) In my signature and as my formal name I use three names: my first name followed by my maiden name followed by my married name.

Deborah

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/5/2008 11:02:17 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Zoe, I am obviously from a different generation and very traditional, but at the time I married, it was the 'proper' thing for educated women to take the husband's last name and use their maiden name for their middle name (drop the original middle name). Another well known example is Hillary Rodham Clinton, etc. ... So please tell him that IS the traditional way to do it!!!

Well...as I said above, that's what I did, too, except that I consider my middle name as existent even if not often used. My cousin, who got married three years after I did, dropped her maiden name entirely. I was shocked by that, but I guess it was done! We are first cousins and had been bridesmaids in each others weddings. We are both still married to the same men, too, by the way. (For better or worse, that is.)


Deb

 

[AGBF]

I just remembered that when she first arrived upon the national scene, Jackie O was known as "Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy". I don''t know why that came to me. I had signed off Pricescope and was sitting in the kitchen. I was a little girl during the Kennedy administration. Mrs. Kennedy was always, or I guess I should say often, referred to with her maiden name as well as her married name...and if she wasn''t traditional, I don''t know who was! She graduated from Miss Porter''s School, after all!

Deborah

 

[monarch64]

Date: 3/6/2008 10:44:58 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I took my husband''s name, just tacked it on to the end of my whole name, so now I have two middle names like you want to do. There was no argument. I don''t think it even warranted a discussion. It was just ''I''m going to be Kimberly MiddleName MiddleName LastName.'' to which he replied ''O.K.'' or ''whatever'' or some other inocuous thing.

It is, like so many things in life, such a personal decision. I''m glad I took his name as all of his family is deceased and it''s important to me that he feels like he has a family of his own (mine is huge and very present in our lives, I wanted to make sure he felt his family''s presence and influence, in the lessons and love they left behind, in our life together) and one way to do so is through the sharing of a last name. But if I had chosen not to I can''t imagine him telling me I was out of line.

Kimi puts it very well and very eloquently. I am about to just make a mess of the whole thing probably and say that I only ever wanted to get RID of my last name/maiden name because it''s been the bane of my existence and one that no one could ever properly pronounce. I absolutely LIVED for the day I got married and I didn''t have to deal with my former last name anymore, seriously! Now...it is fine. I have a nice, four letter last name that is super easy to pronounce although people tend to want to put an "s" on the end and I just correct them, but at least they aren''t pronouncing it strangely. And if we ever have children, well darnit, I hope to heck those kids don''t have to explain the pronunciation of their last names. I don''t think they will.

Thanks for listening! ROFL!

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks Kris! Yeah, I think my FI is being a tad unreasonable but he'll have to get used to the idea of me not dropping my maiden name altogether. I appreciate your comment.

ETA: Thanks to everyone for commenting. I didn't realize it would turn into as big of a discussion as it has, and I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I've come to the conclusion that...


...my FI is a doofus.

 

[MoonWater]

I''m not a feminist either, I''m a humanist. But Zoe, I also think your husband is being insanely unreasonable. Perhaps if you sat him down and explained to him that a name change does not change a marriage, he will understand. I find it very odd that this is so important to many men. I personally struggled with the name change idea myself and my FF just kept saying "Keep your own name, I don''t care." Strangely, I actually wanted an element of the name change tradition and was struggling with whether I should hyphenate. No one liked the hyphen idea so I was thinking of doing what you were planning to do (maiden as middle). In the end I decided to have two last names with no hyphen. I find it very hard to give up my father''s name because he was never able to accomplish much in his life. I feel as though, if he were still here, he''d be very proud of my accomplishments and my future goals and I want to maintain his name to honor him. In the end, I decided maiden for professional purposes, and FF''s last name for social/family purposes.

I really hope you are able to work this out with him and make him understand and empathize with your reasoning. Like others have said, you really need to figure out why this is so important to him and ask if he really believes it will change the relationship somehow.

 

[Selkie]

Date: 3/9/2008 9:17:28 AM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Thanks Kris! Yeah, I think my FI is being a tad unreasonable but he''ll have to get used to the idea of me not dropping my maiden name altogether. I appreciate your comment.

ETA: Thanks to everyone for commenting. I didn''t realize it would turn into as big of a discussion as it has, and I appreciate everyone''s thoughts. I''ve come to the conclusion that...

...my FI is a doofus.

I think most of us have said about our OWN DH/FI at least once or twice during wedding planning. It''s a rite of passage.

 

[Aim_Turbo]

I love this thread, it''s great to get everyone''s opinion on this very personal subject!! I had a really interesting conversation a couple months ago with a colleague of mine who just got married in the fall. I asked her if she changed her name and she said that in her personal life she went by her married name but iin her professional life she went by her maiden name. When I asked her why she looked horrified and said "I want all of my successes to be under my name...they are MY successes not his!!!". I was mortified! I am changing my name for a few reasons but the main one is because my fiance is my team mate and I''m his. All of my successes are his and vice versa. I work 10 to 12 hour days and sometimes I work 6 or 7 days in a row, my fiance takes care of the house, dog, dinners, groceries etc and goes to work for 9hr days. If it wasn''t for him picking up the slack I wouldn''t be doing so well in my career because of all the stress I''d be under. When we get married we''ll be an even tighter knit team and I''m very excited for that. I feel that you should keep your independence however if you don''t switch from ME to US then you could run into trouble in the future. Again, this is just my opinion and I completely understand why you wouldn''t want to change your name. I guess all the piercings and tattoo''s in the world don''t make me less traditional hahah

 

[NewEnglandLady]

In the state of Massachusetts you have to go through the court to LEGALLY change your maiden name to your middle name--I spent hours getting the documentation, talking with lawyers, going to court and paying the $200 to have it changed. I thought it was outrageous to have to pay to KEEP my name, but I didn't just want a cosmetic change, I wanted to legally keep my maiden name, so I just did it.

It's now been 6 months and I wish I had simply hyphenated, which would have been 10x easier and free! I wanted to keep my maiden name, but also wanted a non-hyphenated "family" name, thus adding a second middle name seemed like the best solution. Turns out the world isn't cut out for people with two middle names and inevitably people just refer to you as "firstname lastname" so it doesn't really matter if your maiden is your middle.

My name is my identity, it's as simple as that. I'm STILL not used to being called by my new surname. I've kept my maiden at work, but have just accepted a job offer last week and decided to go by the new last name. It's still really tough.

ETA: Before getting married DH wanted me to take his name, I quickly told him that my name would be my decision and if having a a "family" name was important to him, he could change HIS name. We butted heads for a little bit, but it wasn't until AFTER we got married that he completely embraced me having whatever name made me happy. He likes that I took his name, but said that if I want to go back to court to have my name hyphenated, he would completely support me. Who knows, maybe it's not until after you're married that men realize how insignicant the name thing is.

 

[lauralu]

I just wanted to add from my previous post on this thread. I have forever had trouble with my hyphenated last name in the retail and financial world. For example I will go to pick up a script and they can never find it right away as business''s can never decide what to file me under. It is either under the 1st letter of my maiden name or the first letter of my other last name after the hyphen. Financial companies have trouble bringing up my account by my hyphenated name. Even my own bank has trouble every so often if having too find anything with my hyphenated name. Even online ordering at different sites won''t accept the hyphen. More reasons I am just happy to be giving it all away and taking my FI''s last name.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 3/10/2008 11:51:30 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
In the state of Massachusetts you have to go through the court to LEGALLY change your maiden name to your middle name--I spent hours getting the documentation, talking with lawyers, going to court and paying the $200 to have it changed. I thought it was outrageous to have to pay to KEEP my name, but I didn''t just want a cosmetic change, I wanted to legally keep my maiden name, so I just did it.


It''s now been 6 months and I wish I had simply hyphenated, which would have been 10x easier and free! I wanted to keep my maiden name, but also wanted a non-hyphenated ''family'' name, thus adding a second middle name seemed like the best solution. Turns out the world isn''t cut out for people with two middle names and inevitably people just refer to you as ''firstname lastname'' so it doesn''t really matter if your maiden is your middle.


My name is my identity, it''s as simple as that. I''m STILL not used to being called by my new surname. I''ve kept my maiden at work, but have just accepted a job offer last week and decided to go by the new last name. It''s still really tough.


ETA: Before getting married DH wanted me to take his name, I quickly told him that my name would be my decision and if having a a ''family'' name was important to him, he could change HIS name. We butted heads for a little bit, but it wasn''t until AFTER we got married that he completely embraced me having whatever name made me happy. He likes that I took his name, but said that if I want to go back to court to have my name hyphenated, he would completely support me. Who knows, maybe it''s not until after you''re married that men realize how insignicant the name thing is.

You may not know the answer to this, but I figured I''d ask anyway. Suppose you would like to keep your maiden name as your last name and attach you husband''s last name as well. So two last names (no hyphen) instead of making your maiden your middle. Would this cause the same problems? It sounds so stressful!

 

[Octavia]

Date: 3/11/2008 9:07:37 AM
Author: MoonWater
You may not know the answer to this, but I figured I'd ask anyway. Suppose you would like to keep your maiden name as your last name and attach you husband's last name as well. So two last names (no hyphen) instead of making your maiden your middle. Would this cause the same problems? It sounds so stressful!

Probably -- my old job was in fundraising, and it was always a nightmare to keep track of the women who either had two last names or had moved maiden to middle but always used all three together. Mainly because it's not immediately apparent whether Sally Doe Smith is F: Sally M: Doe L: Smith, or F: Sally L: Doe Smith. And we couldn't really go up to her and ask (at least, not in a professional setting like that). Luckily we got new software that let us put in aliases, so the name would pop up whether you typed in Doe or Smith...but it took forever to sort it all out from the messy old software. Given that our whole job was to keep people happy...I'd say that with the electric company or your credit card company, whose job is NOT based around making people happy, it could be pretty stressful.

I'm sorry to say that, too, because two last names seems about as equitable as possible (and I think it's the way things are done in a lot of Spanish-speaking countries...thinking of people like Gabriel Garcia Marquez, etc). Our system and mindset just aren't set up do deal with people who don't want to do things "the way it's always been done."