TTC when you are around 40 years old?

[MichelleCarmen]

I can't help out at James' school. Because he is Austistic they don't want to blur the lines between school and home. It would confuse him apparently. I wonder if I should go to college and get my nursery nursing qualification. It would take two years but then I would be qualified to work in a school nursery, private nursery or as a nanny. Surely with my experience I wouldn't struggle with the course!

You can call around and see what sorts of qualifications are required for schools nearby you. Some places hire based on experience and here where I live are public schools that hire for positions like playground teacher based on references and 1 year of experience, which can be entirely *volunteer* based. You just sign up and volunteer, gain some contacts and keep an eye out for something that appeals to you and then apply for a paying position!

Do something though! Sounds like you need a direction and should take the effort to seek one out.

 

[monarch64]

It sounds like you have already made a decision, but as a child of parents who were 45 and 37 when I was born, I felt like I missed out on a lot because I had the "old" parents. My husband also had older parents, although not quite as old as mine, and when we talked about it, we told each other that we would come to a conclusion about kids by the age of 30. Not have them by 30, but figure out if we were going to do it. Neither of us wanted to be the "old" parents. We wanted to be able to play catch, roll around on the floor, etc. We didn't get that with our parents. I often get spoken to by strangers as if my dad is my grandfather.

My older brothers were 18 and 20 years older than I was, as is the rest of the generation of cousins. My brother and his wife have 5 children - oldest is 19, youngest is around 18 months. The others are 17, 14 and 6. The older three have raised the 6 year old because their parents are too tired. I imagine this will also be the case with the youngest. It sucks because their childhoods have been abbreviated. When my dad told me that my SIL was pregnant again he said, "He's a year older than I was when we adopted you..." and he didn't say that in a good way.

So I wouldn't. Because it was really hard to be the child of an older parent. Plus, having a newborn around now, I can't imagine doing this at 40, and I'm not even 30 yet!

While there's no doubt the body ages, it always makes me laugh when I hear mothers who had kids younger say "Oh, I'm so glad I did this early because I'd have no energy when I was older." Well, it's because your KIDS sapped you of your youth! Hahaha. I'm kind of joking here, but once you have a kid, you can't imagine doing it older (whatever "older" may be) because they are wearing. I had my first and only when I was 35, and I felt great...had all those extra years to enjoy my youth and my energy was still great.

It really depends on the person. I've seen plenty of 20 something moms on the playground just sitting there on their smartphones, and older parents who are absolutely energetic (and let's not forget about some grandparents where you get nervous they are going to hurt themselves, they are so active with the kids!). I can understand the generalization, but I know so many kids with older parents who got to do more because their parents had a lot more time to make money and spend time on energy on active hobbies, thereby getting their kids more involved.

Of course, the fact of life is, if you have your kids late, the odds are that you won't be with them as long as someone who had them younger. But that's no guarantee.

btw, I am 40 this year and I played tag with my kid at the park and rolled around the floor with her yesterday. Maybe I was more winded than a 30 mom would be, but I was up for it!

Yeah...I was a child of older parents and they had all sorts of energy. They are 70 now and running around with a 3.5 year old 4x a week. My parents weren't the cool type who let me go out and party, but they were awesome in the sense that they were clever and fun and creative and my friends loved hanging out at my house. My husband and I are kind of in the middle; he'll be 38 and I'll be 35 when I deliver, but I imagine since we've taken good care of ourselves we'll have plenty of energy and be pretty great parents despite our old age.

 

[Skippy123]

It sounds like you have already made a decision, but as a child of parents who were 45 and 37 when I was born, I felt like I missed out on a lot because I had the "old" parents. My husband also had older parents, although not quite as old as mine, and when we talked about it, we told each other that we would come to a conclusion about kids by the age of 30. Not have them by 30, but figure out if we were going to do it. Neither of us wanted to be the "old" parents. We wanted to be able to play catch, roll around on the floor, etc. We didn't get that with our parents. I often get spoken to by strangers as if my dad is my grandfather.

My older brothers were 18 and 20 years older than I was, as is the rest of the generation of cousins. My brother and his wife have 5 children - oldest is 19, youngest is around 18 months. The others are 17, 14 and 6. The older three have raised the 6 year old because their parents are too tired. I imagine this will also be the case with the youngest. It sucks because their childhoods have been abbreviated. When my dad told me that my SIL was pregnant again he said, "He's a year older than I was when we adopted you..." and he didn't say that in a good way.

So I wouldn't. Because it was really hard to be the child of an older parent. Plus, having a newborn around now, I can't imagine doing this at 40, and I'm not even 30 yet!

While there's no doubt the body ages, it always makes me laugh when I hear mothers who had kids younger say "Oh, I'm so glad I did this early because I'd have no energy when I was older." Well, it's because your KIDS sapped you of your youth! Hahaha. I'm kind of joking here, but once you have a kid, you can't imagine doing it older (whatever "older" may be) because they are wearing. I had my first and only when I was 35, and I felt great...had all those extra years to enjoy my youth and my energy was still great.

It really depends on the person. I've seen plenty of 20 something moms on the playground just sitting there on their smartphones, and older parents who are absolutely energetic (and let's not forget about some grandparents where you get nervous they are going to hurt themselves, they are so active with the kids!). I can understand the generalization, but I know so many kids with older parents who got to do more because their parents had a lot more time to make money and spend time on energy on active hobbies, thereby getting their kids more involved.

Of course, the fact of life is, if you have your kids late, the odds are that you won't be with them as long as someone who had them younger. But that's no guarantee.

btw, I am 40 this year and I played tag with my kid at the park and rolled around the floor with her yesterday. Maybe I was more winded than a 30 mom would be, but I was up for it!

Yeah...I was a child of older parents and they had all sorts of energy. They are 70 now and running around with a 3.5 year old 4x a week. My parents weren't the cool type who let me go out and party, but they were awesome in the sense that they were clever and fun and creative and my friends loved hanging out at my house. My husband and I are kind of in the middle; he'll be 38 and I'll be 35 when I deliver, but I imagine since we've taken good care of ourselves we'll have plenty of energy and be pretty great parents despite our old age.

My parents had my sister and I in their 40's!!! I sooooo didn't feel like I was missing out at all! Looking back I know they had so much love for us and still do. My parents are in their 70's like Monnies and playing with both sets of grandboys! It is awesome!!!

My hubby and I are older; not like my parents but I think if we had the our twins in our 20's we might not be as ready for them and appreciate them as much, nor have the money but this is just my opinion! Our boys came when we were ready and before that we enjoyed traveling which is great that we really enjoyed that first!

 

[AGBF]

My parents had my sister and I in their 40's!!! I sooooo didn't feel like I was missing out at all! Looking back I know they had so much love for us and still do. My parents are in their 70's like Monnies and playing with both sets of grandboys! It is awesome!!!

I'm so glad you mentioned your parents, Skippy. By the time my husband and I adopted, we were 42 and 41 respectively. My parents had been "old" by the standards of their day when I was born (my mother 33 and my father 30) although not old by today's standards. That put my mother at 74 when my daughter was born, but she was a fantastic grandmother! No one could have had a larger role in my daughter's life! I remember her putting on a bright yellow bathing suit and getting into the bathtub at my house with Whitney so that she give her a bath! Now that's a hands on bath! They played endless word games and card games together. Whitney saw my mother every day of her life until we had to move out of state. My mother prepared all her favorite foods and only my mother could make a salad the correct way! Their bond was incredible!

Deb/AGBF

 

[Pandora II]

I'm with TGal... it's kids that age you and sap your strength!

I feel a lot older since having D, whereas at 36 I felt like I did at 22 energy-wise. I couldn't understand why my younger sister was going to bed to early and was just generally knackered all the time - she had two kids!

Personally I'm glad I waited as long as I did to have kids - I would hate to have given up all the freedom and experiences that I had in my 20's and early 30's. I was ready to take the different tack that you need to once you have children to consider.

 

[AGBF]

My parents had my sister and I in their 40's!!! I sooooo didn't feel like I was missing out at all! Looking back I know they had so much love for us and still do. My parents are in their 70's like Monnies and playing with both sets of grandboys! It is awesome!!!

I'm so glad you mentioned your parents, Skippy. By the time my husband and I adopted, we were 42 and 41 respectively. My parents had been "old" by the standards of their day when I was born (my mother 33 and my father 30) although not old by today's standards. That put my mother at 74 when my daughter was born, but she was a fantastic grandmother! No one could have had a larger role in my daughter's life! I remember her putting on a bright yellow bathing suit and getting into the bathtub at my house with Whitney so that she give her a bath! Now that's a hands on bath! They played endless word games and card games together. Whitney saw my mother every day of her life until we had to move out of state. My mother prepared all her favorite foods and only my mother could make a salad the correct way! Their bond was incredible!

I just reread this and thought I should mention that Whitney and I are currently living with her grandfather, who is 91. He still works; drives; and goes to the YMCA pool six days a week to do an hour of aerobic exercise in their pool with a belt strapped on. (He was once a lifeguard but no longer does laps!) He is Whitney's confidante and he often drives her to her classes at her Community College or to the mall!

Deb

 

[Skippy123]

I'm with TGal... it's kids that age you and sap your strength!

I feel a lot older since having D, whereas at 36 I felt like I did at 22 energy-wise. I couldn't understand why my younger sister was going to bed to early and was just generally knackered all the time - she had two kids!

Personally I'm glad I waited as long as I did to have kids - I would hate to have given up all the freedom and experiences that I had in my 20's and early 30's. I was ready to take the different tack that you need to once you have children to consider.

yeah that is how I feel!!! We talked about having kids in our late 20's but then I freaked out every time I thought I was preggo so I am so glad we waited.

Plus I know lots of people who are focused on their careers first and then kids next. lol

eta: Monnie, I was like you; I got preggo at 34!!!

 

[Skippy123]

My parents had my sister and I in their 40's!!! I sooooo didn't feel like I was missing out at all! Looking back I know they had so much love for us and still do. My parents are in their 70's like Monnies and playing with both sets of grandboys! It is awesome!!!

I'm so glad you mentioned your parents, Skippy. By the time my husband and I adopted, we were 42 and 41 respectively. My parents had been "old" by the standards of their day when I was born (my mother 33 and my father 30) although not old by today's standards. That put my mother at 74 when my daughter was born, but she was a fantastic grandmother! No one could have had a larger role in my daughter's life! I remember her putting on a bright yellow bathing suit and getting into the bathtub at my house with Whitney so that she give her a bath! Now that's a hands on bath! They played endless word games and card games together. Whitney saw my mother every day of her life until we had to move out of state. My mother prepared all her favorite foods and only my mother could make a salad the correct way! Their bond was incredible!

I just reread this and thought I should mention that Whitney and I are currently living with her grandfather, who is 91. He still works; drives; and goes to the YMCA pool six days a week to do an hour of aerobic exercise in their pool with a belt strapped on. (He was once a lifeguard but no longer does laps!) He is Whitney's confidante and he often drives her to her classes at her Community College or to the mall!

Deb

DEB, that is awesome she got out her bathing suit to give your daughter a bath!! My mom is in her 70's and takes off her shoes and gets down on the ground with the babies!! My dad will be 80 this year and he has a small ranch and fixes fence posts, etc! Everyone tells me my dad looks awesome and no way does he look 80! I think it all has to do with how old you feel. I have a feeling I will be around a long time for my sons based on how long my parents and grandparents lived! I am pooped out but I think it has to do with still getting up in the middle of the night to feed the babies; I think when I can STTN, I will have lots more energy! hahaha

Oh wow, your dad is awesome that he gets up to go swimming at the YMCA 6 days a week!!! I think maintaining an activity keeps one young. I am impressed w/your dad!!!

Maisie, how is James? He is so adorable!!! I think you would make a wonderful nurse!!!

 

[Maisie]

There are definitely pros and cons to having a baby at an older age. I think we are just going to give up the idea. There are lots of risks involved and I don't know if I could cope with the loss of another child. When my husband had his vasectomy it was at my request after my baby died. I knew then that I wasn't brave enough to deal with that again, and while time is a great healer i'm not sure I want to risk it again.

Skippy, James is very well. He is growing and learning and doing really well at school. He brightens up every single day with his joy and fabulous sense of humour

I took this photo of the children when we were out shopping the other day. They are growing up so fast!

 

[Skippy123]

Maisie your kiddos are beautiful!!! I bet you enjoy the heck out of them; motherhood is a blast! I bet seeing them grow older and accomplish different things in life is very rewarding!

 

[Maisie]

Maisie your kiddos are beautiful!!! I bet you enjoy the heck out of them; motherhood is a blast! I bet seeing them grow older and accomplish different things in life is very rewarding!

Thank you, I agree but then I am biased!

Its wonderful watching them grow up. They are awesome kids, well behaved, healthy and happy. You can't ask for more!

 

[AGBF]

As always when you post photos of your children, I am overcome by their beauty, Maisie. I haven't seen any pictures in years, but I know that when I last did I thought any of your children could model! I am glad they bring you joy. You are so special!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Maisie]

As always when you post photos of your children, I am overcome by their beauty, Maisie. I haven't seen any pictures in years, but I know that when I last did I thought any of your children could model! I am glad they bring you joy. You are so special!

Hugs,
Deb

awww thank you Deb! You are very special too!

 

[junebug17]

Your kids are so beautiful Maisie!! What a wonderful family you have!

 

[LaraOnline]

This is an interesting thread.

I think the risks associated with TTC later in life are somewhat overstated. My husband blink on and off about having another baby (our fourth) and the age I am at now doesn't really come into it, as far as the pregnancy, anyway.

Let's face it, women have faced horribly sexist attitudes for so long. It wasn't that long ago that women who conceived at 35 were classed as 'geriatric mothers'!!

Women have been having healthy babies in their 40s for many, many years...it's not a new thing. My crazy aunt had eight kids, her last at...45 I think. She's a gorgeous woman, who has a great figure (and is on to her third husband in her mid-70s, but that's another story...)

Unless there are health issues, surely TTC for a 40-year-old is exactly the same as for a 20-year-old...if I do go through with it, I'm not planning on doing anything differently, that's fur shure.

The thing is...I'm not sure I want to. I hae nothing to prove. I love my kids. I want to give them everything...including the cream on top.
So the big question is... will another child enhance everyone's life? Sometimes I think yes, sometimes I'm maybe.

All the best with what you decide, Maisie!

 

[Maisie]

Hi Lara

Would a baby enhance our lives... definitely.....If it was healthy. I keep worrying that it wouldn't be though. The stats I have seen say that I have a 1 in 100 chance of having a baby with Downs Syndrome. Don't get me wrong, I would adore, cherish and love the socks off any baby I give birth to, but I have to ask if its fair on everyone else in the family to risk this. Screening with a view to abortion wouldn't be an option for me. Then there are the risks of miscarriage for older (over 42) mothers - 50% will miscarry.

I would feel so selfish if something went wrong, like I had done something for ME that would have a huge effect on everyone else.

 

[LaraOnline]

yeah but a lot of that 'number' re Down Syndrome estimated risk is basically a reflection of the weight they give to age alone.
Definitely I think your genetics have a lot to do with...

There are risks at every age regarding pregnancy, but they are ultimately difficult to really quantify, because every body is different.
There are big differences in fertility between individuals, for example. I mean, even the textbook fertility cycle is not even relevant on a case-by-case basis, for broad swathes of the population!

Theory is helpful, but it's not YOU.

A lot of this is all entirely subjectve, as well. REading an earlier poster who said that a 37 mother was really too old just made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. That's CRAZY, in my view. I don't plan to grow old before my time, I'm turning 40 next week, and honestly feel i'm on the top of my game.

 

[AGBF]

REading an earlier poster who said that a 37 mother was really too old just made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. That's CRAZY, in my view. I don't plan to grow old before my time, I'm turning 40 next week, and honestly feel i'm on the top of my game.

Back before everything in a family's life was micromanaged by science (and that is only true even now in western European countries and the US, of course), people didn't have complete control over when a married woman stopped reproducing! If she hadn't died in childbirth and her husband hadn't fallen underneath a heavy cart and been killed at early age, she just kept having children until menopause! So she might be on her tenth or twelfth baby by age 47, but she was still turning them out! And no one was talking about Down's Syndrome, either! And if she had miscarriages, no one was discussing them!

Deb/AGBF

 

[Dancing Fire]

I'm with TGal... it's kids that age you and sap your strength!

I feel a lot older since having D, whereas at 36 I felt like I did at 22 energy-wise. I couldn't understand why my younger sister was going to bed to early and was just generally knackered all the time - she had two kids!

Personally I'm glad I waited as long as I did to have kids - I would hate to have given up all the freedom and experiences that I had in my 20's and early 30's. I was ready to take the different tack that you need to once you have children to consider.

we are on the other side of the coin. wife and i gave up our freedom in our late 20's to have freedom in our early 50's. i can't imagine changing diapers in my 40's,so looking back...wife and i have no regrets of having our two daughters before we turned 30.

 

[marym]

Hi Maisie!

I'm not trying to convince you either way, but I thought I would chime in with my story. I just gave birth to a healthy baby girl four months ago at age 40. We started TTC right after our wedding (I was 38 at the time) and tried for six months with no luck before moving on to a reproductive endocrinologist. They discovered that I had a blocked tube and some scar tissue in my uterus. After I had that fixed we did two rounds of IUI followed by one round of IVF which unfortunately did not result in a pregnancy. We decided to stop the assisted reproduction and just accept whatever cards we were dealt. Right after we stopped "trying" I discovered I was pregnant naturally. I was 39 when I got pregnant and 40 when I gave birth. It ended up being a little over a year of TTC, but we were finally blessed with our beautiful daughter! There were a lot of worries throughout the pregnancy due to my age, but honestly looking back, it was a pretty easy pregnancy. (labor and delivery were another story!) So it definitely is possible to get pregnant and have a healthy baby at our age. I think if you do decide you want to try for another, find a good RE and make sure everything is in working order before you waste valuable time. I'm so glad I did.

 

[Maisie]

I have to admit that i'm glad I haven't popped out a baby every year or so since my 20's! I can't imagine how exhausted women must have been in the olden days having so many babies.

DF, when I was younger I thought I would only have 2 children. If I had stuck at 2 I would have been free now as my oldest have now left home. I wonder what I would be doing with my time! Nice holidays, big diamonds.......

Congratulations on your baby Mary!! I think a year isn't very long at all when you consider the obstacles in your way. Isn't it amazing how you conceived naturally after all the other treatments failed! You must have been thrilled!

 

[movie zombie]

Maise, i read that you thought you'd given up on the idea.......i assume you've spoken with your dr re your diabetes and the risks during pregnancy?

i think you've rec'd a lot of good suggestions as to what you can do that would be fulfilling and utilize your mothering skills.

there are so many things for you to explore! i'm excited for your! law school? really? not a bad idea. volunteer work. all kinds of hobbies. local politics?

it is scary to redefine yourself....but also exhilerating. go for it!

 

[Maisie]

Maise, i read that you thought you'd given up on the idea.......i assume you've spoken with your dr re your diabetes and the risks during pregnancy?

i think you've rec'd a lot of good suggestions as to what you can do that would be fulfilling and utilize your mothering skills.

there are so many things for you to explore! i'm excited for your! law school? really? not a bad idea. volunteer work. all kinds of hobbies. local politics?

it is scary to redefine yourself....but also exhilerating. go for it!

I haven't seen my doctor. I didn't see the point because I think they are going to tell me that its not a good idea. I feel sad that I won't have another baby and I'd like to come to terms with this. I'm glad I posted here though. I knew there would be some very helpful posts, my PS friends are a sensible bunch

 

[marym]

Thanks Maisie! We were completely thrilled and in a complete state of shock! Throughout the pregnancy I kept thinking that something was going to go wrong, so I had a hard time letting myself be excited. It wasn't until our gender/anatomy ultrasound that I finally was able to relax a little and enjoy being pregnant. She definitely is our little miracle, and we feel so thankful and lucky to have her!

I dunno though. I think if I really wanted a baby I would at least see what the doctor had to say before I threw in the towel. I wouldn't want to look back and say "if only I had inquired a little further..."

It is a difficult decision for sure. It is especially difficult to say "were done" after getting on the assisted reproduction roller coaster. You get almost brainwashed into thinking that if you just do "one more procedure", this will be it. It almost becomes an obsession. I think my body finally gave me what I wanted once I stopped stressing out so much about it. That and the fact that I insisted on one more check after the failed IVF attempt to see if any scar tissue had come back. Sure enough, it had. The IVF failure and second surgery were really hard on me, and it was at that point that I had to just say "whatever will be will be" and go on with my life. I had no children of my own yet, so getting to that decision after everything we had been through and all the money spent was really hard.

I hope you can figure out what is the best thing for you. I wish you the best!

 

[Dancing Fire]

DF, when I was younger I thought I would only have 2 children. If I had stuck at 2 I would have been free now as my oldest have now left home. I wonder what I would be doing with my time! Nice holidays, big diamonds.......

yep, the advantage of having your last kid in your late 20's is that you'll be free by the time you hit early 50's.