Ultimatums ...... Good or Bad idea!?

[AmberGretchen]

I''m not a fan of ultimatums per se, but I think that its important to not stick around when both people aren''t fully committed to the relationship.

 

[AprilBaby]

I would walk away from anyone who gave me an ultimatum. I find it aggressive and I naturally rebel.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Ultimatums are difficult creatures. I never offer ultimatums, ever. Every person I''ve known who''s thrown one out has not been happy with the outcome and has just been hurt more. You have to be 100% ready for either outcome, good or bad. Most people can say that they''re ready for either answer, but honestly, you never know how you''re going to react in the moment.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 1/26/2009 10:50:27 PM
Author: AprilBaby
I would walk away from anyone who gave me an ultimatum. I find it aggressive and I naturally rebel.

The flipside of that is the woman who rebels against a man who finds it unnecessary to honour her needs. In other areas of life, it can even sometimes be called emotional abuse.

Current society can make it very difficult for women to get what they want out of relationship... I think it is because scientific understanding of women''s ''romantic'' needs is woefully ill-addressed... I mean, can you believe Shere Hite made waves with her Hite Report as recently as 1976??? That is how unimportant female experience has been the cultural development of romantic narrative!

So... when I see the term ''ultimatum'' I can see a desperate woman down to her last gasp of self-preserving strength within a relationship... sorry if that makes me sound like an ''angry feminist of retro persuasion'', but really...

If my boychild drags a girl around by the hair for that long, to the point where she feels frazzled enough to issue ultimatums I''d be taking it as a sign he may not be emotionally responsible, or accountable...

(all circumstances treated on their merits, this is assuming she is a reasonable
and nice girl, which I assume she must be or he wouldn''t be with her for so long)

Anyway, all strength to your friend, and I hope she finds what she wants from love in the end! I hope she does exactly what is right for her! She needs lots of support, imo.

 

[Babyblue033]

Date: 1/26/2009 10:50:27 PM
Author: AprilBaby
I would walk away from anyone who gave me an ultimatum. I find it aggressive and I naturally rebel.

LOL I''m the same way!

I don''t believe in ultimatums, but I also don''t believe in setting "internal deadline" which is often talked about here. I find it unfair to set a deadline for the relationship without letting him know it''s been set, I think in that sense I''d rather give an ultimatum because then at least he knows I''m about to walk out. I agree with others though, if I give him an ultimatum and THEN he proposes, I would forever wonder if he proposed because he wanted to or because he felt like he had no other choice

 

[elle_chris]

Date: 1/27/2009 7:59:52 AM
Author: Babyblue033

Date: 1/26/2009 10:50:27 PM
Author: AprilBaby
I would walk away from anyone who gave me an ultimatum. I find it aggressive and I naturally rebel.

LOL I''m the same way!

I don''t believe in ultimatums, but I also don''t believe in setting ''internal deadline'' which is often talked about here. I find it unfair to set a deadline for the relationship without letting him know it''s been set, I think in that sense I''d rather give an ultimatum because then at least he knows I''m about to walk out. I agree with others though, if I give him an ultimatum and THEN he proposes, I would forever wonder if he proposed because he wanted to or because he felt like he had no other choice

He always has the choice to say no. I don''t love ultimatums either, but there are instances where I can totally understand them.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 1/27/2009 7:59:52 AM
Author: Babyblue033

Date: 1/26/2009 10:50:27 PM
Author: AprilBaby
I would walk away from anyone who gave me an ultimatum. I find it aggressive and I naturally rebel.

LOL I''m the same way!

I don''t believe in ultimatums, but I also don''t believe in setting ''internal deadline'' which is often talked about here. I find it unfair to set a deadline for the relationship without letting him know it''s been set, I think in that sense I''d rather give an ultimatum because then at least he knows I''m about to walk out. I agree with others though, if I give him an ultimatum and THEN he proposes, I would forever wonder if he proposed because he wanted to or because he felt like he had no other choice

Add me to the group!

 

[bee*]

I don''t agree with ultimatums either. I think that if he''s suddenly not sure of the whole marriage thing then she can decide whether to still be with him or not. Maybe they can casually date and she can see other people and live her life the way she wants and she can see other people. A week is very short to decide though.

 

[Erin]

I''ve seen it where the guy is totally committed to the girl and they have a fab relationship. He just doesn''t know that marriage NOW is such an issue for her because she''s waiting around *assuming* he should know it''s time. Call it a polite conversation, call it an ultimatum, call it ''getting on the same page.'' Whatever it''s label - I''d like to be engaged by the end of the year, our anniversary, before my birthday..... It''s all the same thing - the difference is how you bring it up and handle the conversation.

 

[tlh]

well said starset!

 

[Steel]

Is good choosing or bad my only option? I don''t like ultimatums...

 

[trillionaire]

I don''t think that you should force someone''s hand, but I also don''t think you should wait around in a relationship that isn''t going anywhere. I wish more women felt comfortable proposing and taking control of their own lives. I also think that women need to more often make it clear that they are not to be taken for granted in relationships, and that if that means leaving, then so be it. I think there is a difference between "not ready" to get married, and "not sure if you want to" get married. I could deal with not ready, but after years, if you can''t even decide, I''ll be happy to make your decision an easy one!

and one week is a ridiculous ultimatum IMHO!

 

[EyeElle]

Its great to hear all the stories and point of views. This is one of the reasons I felt comfortable posting my topic and being able to share it with all of you, even though we have never met lol

I thought you might want an update. She did not give him the ultimatum. I told her as many of you said, to tell him what she wants out of their relationship and what she hope to achieve in the future with him. He was more understanding about it and told her that he didn''t want to make a decision just to have him regret it later on or change it on her (which I understand)

She said it felt great telling him everything but she said she did leave disappointed because she felt that nothting was accomplished from it. I had to disagree, because she just told him all these things and he now needs time to process it and put everything into persepctive. I told her to give him time .... and yes to wait longer which was what caused all this in the frist place.

P.S. When I said she gave him 1 week to decide, I guess I should have mentioned that she has been waiting for 3 months. So for 3 months she was in "limbo" about their relationship so technically he had 3 months and 1 week to decide
Either way I guess more is needed.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 1/27/2009 7:59:52 AM
Author: Babyblue033

Date: 1/26/2009 10:50:27 PM

Author: AprilBaby

I would walk away from anyone who gave me an ultimatum. I find it aggressive and I naturally rebel.

LOL I''m the same way!

I don''t believe in ultimatums, but I also don''t believe in setting ''internal deadline'' which is often talked about here. I find it unfair to set a deadline for the relationship without letting him know it''s been set, I think in that sense I''d rather give an ultimatum because then at least he knows I''m about to walk out. I agree with others though, if I give him an ultimatum and THEN he proposes, I would forever wonder if he proposed because he wanted to or because he felt like he had no other choice

I agree with you 100% here. I told my SO as much, too. I told him that I would never just up and leave if everything was going fine and I was just upset that we weren''t married or engaged. I think after 5 years, I owe him the decency to tell him that I love him, but that my needs are not being met by an ''ambiguous (ie, not engaged/married) situation any longer. At that point, we can have a discussion about where to go from there, but absent some consensus, I could see myself giving US a ''deadline''. I guess that would be an ultimatum, but I don''t see that as any different from the rest of life. We are constantly dealing with deadlines, whether we are ready or not. You step up when it is important to you, or you live with the regret.

I would rather get an ultimatum than get blindsided, any day.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Oh wow, 3 months? Hmm... does your friend live with her SO?

If she doesn''t, it might be a good idea to start distancing herself. And if she does, the same thing goes -- working later, going out with her friends more often, and generally spending less time on SO.

Three months to be in this type of limbo, not knowing whether your SO even wants you around -- it seems hard to take.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 1/26/2009 3:27:06 PM
Author: EyeElle

Just to clear up, the ulimatim wasn't for him to propose, it was for him to decide whether marriage was something he was even considering anymore. When she would ask if he still wanted to propose to her, his answer was always 'I don't know'

If he doesn't know, isn't that an answer in and of itself?

If he doesn't know that he wants marriage and she already knows that she does, it would appear they're not on the same page.

Today, he cannot say with certainty that he is travelling in the same direction she is. It's up to her whether or not she's willing to wait for him to figure it out.

ETA: It's actually hard to give meaningful input without knowing more of the details, i.e. how long have they been dating, what are their ages, etc. I think it's far more reasonable for someone in his early 20s to be unsure of what he wants from life than I do from someone in his early 30s, for example.

The best she can do is to say "Marriage is important to me, and I really want to be on the path to settling down within this time frame. If you don't think that you'll also be on the same path reasonably soon (6 mos, etc), then perhaps we need to pursue our own paths."

 

[kcoursolle]

I think silent ultimatums are great, but verbal ones can breed resentment. She needs to tell him that she is looking to get married soon and hopes that this is what he wants too. Then she needs to make a decision how long she is willing to wait and leave not a day after that if nothing has happened. I generally don''t think it''s a good idea to pressure a man to do something he isn''t ready for when thinking about the long term consequences.