Update, need to vent
- Thread starter always.waiting
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Ideal_Rock
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always.waiting
Rough_Rock
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So, first and foremost, THANK YOU to all you ladies for your words of support. It means so much especially since I chose not to share any of this stuff with friends and family..just didn''t feel up to it. Anyway, here''s my "update", I hope I won''t disappoint some of you as I did not pack up and leave, as I wanted to hear what he had to say. I definitely had my guard up once he came home (he had called everyday).
Anyway, once we started talking, he said the time away really helped him clear his mind--it was too intense in a little apartment, and even just the drive was what he needed. He said the deadline I''d imposed and all the questions and tears really made him feel trapped and defensive and right or wrong, he said hurtful things and things he didn''t mean as a result. He told me he still believes in everything he said before our blowout (ie that he wants a future, not to worry,etc) and definitely wants to move this relationship forward and build a future. He said this is really what he always wanted, and nothing new, but that my ultimatum had backed him into a corner and he couldn''t give me the answers I wanted in that environment. He said he was absolutely focused on this now (after our chaotic summer of moving), and that he had done some legwork before, but that I still had to be a little patient while he worked out the logistics (to propose etc). I said my piece, described what this wkend had done to me, how I''d lost some trust, how I need to feel safe, and not like he''s going to bail any second. He agreed, said I don''t need to lose trust b/c he''s on the same page he''s always been, just couldn''t meet my timeline, but that it wasn''t going to be much longer, and I needed to be reasonable and not be on top of him. He said when someone is on top of you for an answer, you find ways for relief even if you want the same thing.
So I don''t know, it''s hard to say. I don''t feel like we are at rock bottom and I need to get out to save my dignity just yet. I''m going to give him a month or 2. In the meantime, I have a new job starting in 2 wks, so that''ll be my focus whether I like it or not. Should things collapse, I still have my Plan B researched (sublets, hotels). I think he''ll come through now, but I can''t guarantee I''ll feel as secure in a few weeks--knowing how my mind works. He said he has no interest in dragging this process out since it''s not fun for either of us, but to be patient while he just gets what needs to be done done.
I hope I don''t regret this gamble. I DO soooo appreciate everyone''s support, and hopefully you won''t think I''m lame for giving him another chance! I just still believe in taking a chance for love, and we really have no other issues but this one. Albeit it''s a biggie. Thank you again to everyone. And now, I look forward to hearing about all the ladies who were proposed to this wkend
Anyway, once we started talking, he said the time away really helped him clear his mind--it was too intense in a little apartment, and even just the drive was what he needed. He said the deadline I''d imposed and all the questions and tears really made him feel trapped and defensive and right or wrong, he said hurtful things and things he didn''t mean as a result. He told me he still believes in everything he said before our blowout (ie that he wants a future, not to worry,etc) and definitely wants to move this relationship forward and build a future. He said this is really what he always wanted, and nothing new, but that my ultimatum had backed him into a corner and he couldn''t give me the answers I wanted in that environment. He said he was absolutely focused on this now (after our chaotic summer of moving), and that he had done some legwork before, but that I still had to be a little patient while he worked out the logistics (to propose etc). I said my piece, described what this wkend had done to me, how I''d lost some trust, how I need to feel safe, and not like he''s going to bail any second. He agreed, said I don''t need to lose trust b/c he''s on the same page he''s always been, just couldn''t meet my timeline, but that it wasn''t going to be much longer, and I needed to be reasonable and not be on top of him. He said when someone is on top of you for an answer, you find ways for relief even if you want the same thing.
So I don''t know, it''s hard to say. I don''t feel like we are at rock bottom and I need to get out to save my dignity just yet. I''m going to give him a month or 2. In the meantime, I have a new job starting in 2 wks, so that''ll be my focus whether I like it or not. Should things collapse, I still have my Plan B researched (sublets, hotels). I think he''ll come through now, but I can''t guarantee I''ll feel as secure in a few weeks--knowing how my mind works. He said he has no interest in dragging this process out since it''s not fun for either of us, but to be patient while he just gets what needs to be done done.
I hope I don''t regret this gamble. I DO soooo appreciate everyone''s support, and hopefully you won''t think I''m lame for giving him another chance! I just still believe in taking a chance for love, and we really have no other issues but this one. Albeit it''s a biggie. Thank you again to everyone. And now, I look forward to hearing about all the ladies who were proposed to this wkend
I''m still critical of the situation.
Have you, together, outlined a timeline? You said that you''d give it a month or two. Does he know this? What does he think about it? You don''t want this same thing happening in 1-2 months with him still saying that you''re pushing him and not giving him enough time. Has the defination of "enough time" been discussed?
In addition, I''m concerned about his ability to fight fair. I understand pressure, but him telling you he never wanted to get married when he actually did is far from fair fighting in a relationship.
Have you, together, outlined a timeline? You said that you''d give it a month or two. Does he know this? What does he think about it? You don''t want this same thing happening in 1-2 months with him still saying that you''re pushing him and not giving him enough time. Has the defination of "enough time" been discussed?
In addition, I''m concerned about his ability to fight fair. I understand pressure, but him telling you he never wanted to get married when he actually did is far from fair fighting in a relationship.
always.waiting
Rough_Rock
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no i didn''t push on a new timeline because he seemed to be very clear in telling me he was on it, and the whole timeline thing has not worked out for me so far. I might ask him for something more specific though, now that you raise it. Ugh, I just want this wait to be over.
as for fighting fair, true, although in fairness to him, i should say he didn''t quite say he never wanted to get married. he said he has never been a fan of marriage and that it was something that was blocking him from moving forward. I''d always known he is not driven to be married, but had thought he was over that since it''d been established that it was important to me. so that''s where i was really upset..like how can you now still be questioning this? anyway, apparently he wasn''t questioning it but acting out since he felt very trapped by my ultimatum. Is he right? I don''t know, but he seemed very sorry and serious and I want to give it a last shot. Maybe i''m a sucker..
as for fighting fair, true, although in fairness to him, i should say he didn''t quite say he never wanted to get married. he said he has never been a fan of marriage and that it was something that was blocking him from moving forward. I''d always known he is not driven to be married, but had thought he was over that since it''d been established that it was important to me. so that''s where i was really upset..like how can you now still be questioning this? anyway, apparently he wasn''t questioning it but acting out since he felt very trapped by my ultimatum. Is he right? I don''t know, but he seemed very sorry and serious and I want to give it a last shot. Maybe i''m a sucker..
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
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i too am skeptical of the new discussion...maybe this is a little harsh but he was upset and felt trapped and said some stuff he didn''t mean? stuff to hurt you? nice! how old is this guy?? it just seems a little kind of ''rapid'' turnaround for him to be saying the stuff he was saying a few days ago and then NOW saying AGAIN ''don''t worry we are still on the same page, don''t worry''... maybe my interpretation of it is incorrect since i obviously was not there and maybe you read some things into the discussion that were then passed onto us readers so maybe we are a bit more ''on alert'' than we should be...but i would just say be careful. i almost feel like the leopard showed his spots and now he''s backtracking because he doesn''t want to lose you. also he''s effectively gotten out of you setting any sort of ''new deadline'' on a timeline by telling you that is why he felt so trapped before. smells fishy maybe.
i hope nothing more for you than he DID have an epiphany and is still on the same page with you and that you will get the proposal you want soon. but i don''t know...i just feel a little wary. so i''d just keep your eyes and ears open and don''t be complacent just because he''s bought himself a little time. good luck!!
i hope nothing more for you than he DID have an epiphany and is still on the same page with you and that you will get the proposal you want soon. but i don''t know...i just feel a little wary. so i''d just keep your eyes and ears open and don''t be complacent just because he''s bought himself a little time. good luck!!
always.waiting
Rough_Rock
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totally fair point , Mara. And if I wasn''t me, I''d be saying the same thing!! I guess I should ask him for a timeframe. And I''m mostly going by my gut which might be totally off. The only thing I can say is there is no point in him buying more time..it only means we are both miserable in a month or 2 versus right now. And we have furniture to buy...I told him I don''t want to do this until I''m sure he''s SURE. Basically, I don''t see why he''d have a change of heart just to put me deeper in a hole and drag things out which only ends up being really crappy for both of us. I hope for my sake, I''m right. But I''m aware that the odds aren''t good, and I''ll be here venting until everyone''s sick of it!
Christa
Brilliant_Rock
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Ditto what Mara said . . . I hope it works out for you, but from where I sit (which, granted, is in front of a computer screen on the other side of the country having never met either of you) it doesn''t look like much has changed. From what you''ve told us, this sounds like more of the same from him: yes we''re on the same page, don''t worry, don''t push me . . .
I hope you have a deadline in your head that you''ll stick to, even if you don''t want to give him any more ultimatums.
I hope you have a deadline in your head that you''ll stick to, even if you don''t want to give him any more ultimatums.
firebirdgold
Ideal_Rock
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Hmmm, I''m reversing my position. Have faith and give him another chance. It sounds like you have the honor of being the partner to a ''Difficult Man''.
On the plus side, in all sucessful marriages of more than 20 years that I know of, the husband is a Difficult Man. One feature of many Difficult Men is that they are almost impossible to manage or manipulate without a decade or two of practice, if ever.
Another common trait is that they are even more mule-like than most men. Even if they want to go in a certain direction, the second you try to push them they dig in their hooves and become an inmovable block. Despite common belief carrots do not always work with mules either.
On the plus side, in all sucessful marriages of more than 20 years that I know of, the husband is a Difficult Man. One feature of many Difficult Men is that they are almost impossible to manage or manipulate without a decade or two of practice, if ever.
Another common trait is that they are even more mule-like than most men. Even if they want to go in a certain direction, the second you try to push them they dig in their hooves and become an inmovable block. Despite common belief carrots do not always work with mules either.
I am sending you good vibes! I know it's hard, but if I were you, I would casually start looking for a place of my own. Not in a bitter, upset way, but in a happy "I'm going to start living the life I want to live and relying on myself to be happy" way. Why should the woman wait for the man for things to move along? He should be dying to propose and should be panicked at the thought of losing a foxy lady like you!
I'd totally let the pressure off of him by throwing myself into work, working out & going out with friends. Maybe even take a trip without him with your gal pals. Give him the space he needs to help him see that's not what he wants, either. Life without you sucks! He should know that and strive to make you happy.
So if you start to feel like he's dragging his feet or buying himself more time again (hopefully what you've done is enough and he sees the light, honey!)... give him that space he needs and use that time on yourself.
Sometimes guys need to sweat a little, too. They think they make us sweat? Who has all the power in the relationship? Women! Not men.
Life without us sucks for them. Hee hee hee. Without us, they're sitting at home bored to death and lonely. We make their lives fun & sexy. Without us, they're just a bunch of hairy apes scratching themselves! LOL. OK, men are AWESOME too -- but only when they respect us for the goddesses we are. Only then do we treat them like the kings they are!
I'd totally let the pressure off of him by throwing myself into work, working out & going out with friends. Maybe even take a trip without him with your gal pals. Give him the space he needs to help him see that's not what he wants, either. Life without you sucks! He should know that and strive to make you happy.
So if you start to feel like he's dragging his feet or buying himself more time again (hopefully what you've done is enough and he sees the light, honey!)... give him that space he needs and use that time on yourself.
Sometimes guys need to sweat a little, too. They think they make us sweat? Who has all the power in the relationship? Women! Not men.
widget
Ideal_Rock
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~*Alexis*~
Brilliant_Rock
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I understand what you are saying and I would like to believe that he has changed, but it kind of sounds like an easy way out. hes telling you he is on the same page and whatnot however it also seems as though you are trying to make yourself convinced. Stick to your guns. Everytime he thinks that things are ok again he could just fall back into his routine. Be careful. But Good luck.
I hope with the others that things will turn out well. I definitely second going out more, maybe going on a trip, etc, but the above sentence is what made me want to add a few things. You don''t have to wait until you''re at "rock bottom" to get out. It doesn''t mean you have to leave now, but you sound smart and capable, and it''s good that you have a plan B because you may want to use it even if you don''t have to.
I hope your guy is sincere. He could be. But I just wanted to say, beware of what looks bad from the outside. When I look at my failed relationships, I realize often I thought "we" were the exceptions to certain rules when in truth, almost always the outside, more objective view was the correct one.
So, I''m not going with staying or leaving since you''re going to go with your gut on that anyways, but with maintaining a whole lot of detachment in the next few weeks. I do think that maybe you need to let him know that you''re not going to wait. I''m also wary that under pressure (which he now, even without a new deadline) he''s going to behave differently. If he says he''s against marriage, I''d tend to believe him, especially since it''s a position he''s reiterated a few times.
Hugs and I hope things will work out well for you. Remember, he has to earn commitment from you. Has he done that?
KimberlyH
Ideal_Rock
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"But I''m aware that the odds aren''t good, and I''ll be here venting until everyone''s sick of it!"
This sentence speaks volumes to me. What sort of life are you creating for yourself that involves enough venting and unhappiness that you are going to annoy random people on the internet, especially about something that you seem so sure is doomed. I am aware you may have said this in jest, but I am sure there is some semblance of truth in your statement. You are the only person who knows what is best for you, and perhaps it is this relationship, but the what you convey is that import you are placing on being married is more than being in a relationship with this man, and if that''s the case you need to revaluate why you are where you are and what you are going to do to make your life better.
This sentence speaks volumes to me. What sort of life are you creating for yourself that involves enough venting and unhappiness that you are going to annoy random people on the internet, especially about something that you seem so sure is doomed. I am aware you may have said this in jest, but I am sure there is some semblance of truth in your statement. You are the only person who knows what is best for you, and perhaps it is this relationship, but the what you convey is that import you are placing on being married is more than being in a relationship with this man, and if that''s the case you need to revaluate why you are where you are and what you are going to do to make your life better.
always.waiting
Rough_Rock
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Ok, first of all, when I was feeling really sad, so many of you were there for me--so I REALLY appreciate it. But if I sound down, or pessimistic now, it's because that is my personality--I tend to be a pessimist/realist. Even in best scenarios. Secondly, alot of these posts, while fair, kinda get me down, so I end up determining my odds must be low b/c all of these posts are mostly telling me so. I'm NOT saying I don't appreciate them or that they're wrong or right, I'm just explaining some of the tone of my recent posts, since I see some of them being parsed and interpreted to reveal an inner sixth sense in me that things wiill not end good.
On the contrary, I have a sixth sense that he will propose. And I'm pretty confident he will. Based on what? Nothing, I don't have a legal document, no written statement, no exact date, it's just a feeling. Do I wish it could have been more traditional and he could have surprised me on year 1? Sure, but as MANY of us know, it just doesn't go that way for all of us. I also think there is a real difference b/ween someone saying they "do not want marriage, EVER" and someone who is not driven to be married, but will step up if it's important to the person in their life. That is what he has always said to me and continues to except for the blip on Friday. I'm NOT happy about that blip, and it really made for a brutal weekend, but I am willing to accept that maybe my tactic of an ultimatum is what created it. He does not respond to pressure. And I am someone who will put a great deal of pressue on someone if I don't get my way. Leads to a standoff and maybe we could have both walked away. Or maybe we could both take a breather and say, ok, that was a blowout, let's calm down and realize what's important here.
Anyway, overall I"m hear all the naysayers. You may even be right. But each of us is waiting or waited for our own reasons and have slight variations to our story, so let's at least root for each other in the meantime! I promise to keep you posted and if I'm wrong, I'll just have to live with it. 2 months in the grand scheme of 3 yrs, is something I can live with for now.
On the contrary, I have a sixth sense that he will propose. And I'm pretty confident he will. Based on what? Nothing, I don't have a legal document, no written statement, no exact date, it's just a feeling. Do I wish it could have been more traditional and he could have surprised me on year 1? Sure, but as MANY of us know, it just doesn't go that way for all of us. I also think there is a real difference b/ween someone saying they "do not want marriage, EVER" and someone who is not driven to be married, but will step up if it's important to the person in their life. That is what he has always said to me and continues to except for the blip on Friday. I'm NOT happy about that blip, and it really made for a brutal weekend, but I am willing to accept that maybe my tactic of an ultimatum is what created it. He does not respond to pressure. And I am someone who will put a great deal of pressue on someone if I don't get my way. Leads to a standoff and maybe we could have both walked away. Or maybe we could both take a breather and say, ok, that was a blowout, let's calm down and realize what's important here.
Anyway, overall I"m hear all the naysayers. You may even be right. But each of us is waiting or waited for our own reasons and have slight variations to our story, so let's at least root for each other in the meantime! I promise to keep you posted and if I'm wrong, I'll just have to live with it. 2 months in the grand scheme of 3 yrs, is something I can live with for now.
Christa
Brilliant_Rock
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AW, I am totally rooting for you, and though I can only speak for myself I think everyone else here is too. Sometimes people on the outside of a relationship can see things more clearly than the people in the middle of it can, and we''re just responding to what you''ve told us. I really hope the consensus is wrong and that you''ll be posting in Show Me the Ring before the end of the year!
Just wanted to add that I also think your decision not to let your friends and family in on all this was really wise. You can see what the posters here think of your guy after hearing all this, and if it turns out like we hope it does, you don''t want your IRL support system thinking badly of him.
Just wanted to add that I also think your decision not to let your friends and family in on all this was really wise. You can see what the posters here think of your guy after hearing all this, and if it turns out like we hope it does, you don''t want your IRL support system thinking badly of him.
KimberlyH
Ideal_Rock
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SoonIHope
Ideal_Rock
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Yup, I''m with Christa too! I think your latest update sounds quite promising, and while it may not be totally concrete (& thus more susceptible to outside criticism), I believe that even people who are all emotionally wrapped up in situations like this still get a pretty accurate "feeling" of how it''s going. So if YOU think it''s promising and chances are he''ll propose - I''m going to bet that''s right!
I''m keeping my fingers crossed for you that it''ll happen and SOON!!! Good luck!!!
sk8rjen
Brilliant_Rock
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I''m sorry I never posted to this thread before, but I did want to let you know that I''ve kept up with your story and hope this all turns out positively! I agree with you that waiting 2 more months at this point is no big deal, but I hope you are willing to talk if his "taking care of it" takes longer than you are comfortable with.
One more thing, and honestly this kind of bothered me -- I know you two have talked "of marriage," but it seems as if you two never actually use the word "marry" (like "I can''t wait to marry you") or use the word in a personal or positive way. Maybe you have and it hasn''t been posted or maybe I missed it. But what you''ve told us seems like he never lets the *actual* word be said. Maybe it''s not a big deal to you guys, but I''m thinking "red flag" here and I wish I could better describe why. But the gist of it is that happy couples I know don''t hold back on telling each other exactly how they feel, all descriptive wording included (not just referred to). I''d stay skeptical, but of course hopeful, if I were you. We all hope this works out exactly like you want it to! Keep us posted
jen
One more thing, and honestly this kind of bothered me -- I know you two have talked "of marriage," but it seems as if you two never actually use the word "marry" (like "I can''t wait to marry you") or use the word in a personal or positive way. Maybe you have and it hasn''t been posted or maybe I missed it. But what you''ve told us seems like he never lets the *actual* word be said. Maybe it''s not a big deal to you guys, but I''m thinking "red flag" here and I wish I could better describe why. But the gist of it is that happy couples I know don''t hold back on telling each other exactly how they feel, all descriptive wording included (not just referred to). I''d stay skeptical, but of course hopeful, if I were you. We all hope this works out exactly like you want it to! Keep us posted
jen
Allisonfaye
Brilliant_Rock
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YOu are not a sucker at all! Don''t worry about what everyone thinks. This is YOUR life, YOUR relationship. He isn''t beating you. You don''t need to move this second to please a bunch of people that you don''t know. Yes, the people on here are giving you some great advice but you have to live with the results of your actions so if you need to take more time to figure it out, you do it.
I kind of thought that your bf might be feeling this way. I think he will come through for you but as you said, you will be working on your backup plan.
I am sorry that you have had such a rough time lately. I totally understand how you feel but it will get better. I promise. I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself and stating your goals.
I kind of thought that your bf might be feeling this way. I think he will come through for you but as you said, you will be working on your backup plan.
I am sorry that you have had such a rough time lately. I totally understand how you feel but it will get better. I promise. I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself and stating your goals.
ladykemma
Ideal_Rock
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read this in a big hearted warm ann richards, molly ivins texas accent
ok, hunney, he got you complacent and quieted down.... tell her what she wants to hear, still no use of the M word, "planning for a future together".... pat her on the head, pacify, buy some time.
nothing changes if nothing changes. So, what has changed? same song, different day.
keep yer knees, yer heart, and yer pocketbook closed, don''t buy furniture, don''t invest anymore of your heart or money into this. sit tight and see.
ok, hunney, he got you complacent and quieted down.... tell her what she wants to hear, still no use of the M word, "planning for a future together".... pat her on the head, pacify, buy some time.
nothing changes if nothing changes. So, what has changed? same song, different day.
keep yer knees, yer heart, and yer pocketbook closed, don''t buy furniture, don''t invest anymore of your heart or money into this. sit tight and see.
IrishAngel7982
Brilliant_Rock
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AW~
I''ve kept up with your story also, but I haven''t been around much lately to post. I want to offer my support and I sincerely hope your guy proposes. The thing I worry about it along the lines of what Jen said. I''ve read your posts and I understand that you believe your guy will sway his belief of marriage and want to marry you. That''s great! What worries me is when he came home from the weekend, he once again said "Don''t worry" and "I want a future with you." Has he once said he wants to marry you? Is that why you think he''ll propose soon? Because he''s told you straight out? I really hope so! Please keep us posted and if you''re willing to give it 2 more months great. Make sure he knows your plans at the end of these two months. Then there''ll be no room for any excuses about pressure or ultimatums, because you''ll tell him exactly what will happen in November if x, y, z doesn''t occur. But please, for your sake, respect yourself and keep Plan B at hand to move out at the end of two months because you don''t want to continue a vicious cycle. Good luck babe!
I''ve kept up with your story also, but I haven''t been around much lately to post. I want to offer my support and I sincerely hope your guy proposes. The thing I worry about it along the lines of what Jen said. I''ve read your posts and I understand that you believe your guy will sway his belief of marriage and want to marry you. That''s great! What worries me is when he came home from the weekend, he once again said "Don''t worry" and "I want a future with you." Has he once said he wants to marry you? Is that why you think he''ll propose soon? Because he''s told you straight out? I really hope so! Please keep us posted and if you''re willing to give it 2 more months great. Make sure he knows your plans at the end of these two months. Then there''ll be no room for any excuses about pressure or ultimatums, because you''ll tell him exactly what will happen in November if x, y, z doesn''t occur. But please, for your sake, respect yourself and keep Plan B at hand to move out at the end of two months because you don''t want to continue a vicious cycle. Good luck babe!
TravelingGal
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Ditto...
While I love the spirit of many PSers - we don''t know you, and most everyone has been on here venting at one time or another. Probably better to do so here, as long as you can handle that people who don''t you are giving you advice with the very limited info/view you give them. While I don''t particularly think too highly of what your bf did to you this past weekend...pshaw...if I told people some of the very lame a** things my man has done, I''d get some raised eyebrows for sure. I think everyone partakes in stupid syrup sometime.
I hope for your sake things come through. I would be concerned about what he did over the weekend because it sounds very selfish. If this is his normal M.O., I would encourage to just take stock of things. When my FI and I hit a rough patch a few months ago, I really felt like I was pissed off all the time and not happy. So dorky me took a simple spreadsheet and at the end of every day, I marked "happy, unhappy or neutral" with a one line summation of why. At the end of 30 days, I realized I was happy 90% of the time, and that 10% seemed bigger than it was. Since then, I''ve given myself an attitude adjustment and it''s helped even more.
Why did I tell you that? Hm...dunno. Just wanted to say that only you know your relationship, and I hope you find a proactive way to really assess what is going on and move on to the next step...whatever that may be.
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
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aw...think of it like your local girlfriends who might give you some advice you don''t really want to hear BUT is valid advice all the same since it comes from the heart.
in any case, as i already said in my post up above, i really hope that things work out the way you want them to and that the whole thing ends with a proposal that makes you ecstatic, BUT just keep your eyes open and as lady kemma said ''wait and see''. i don''t think that the whole thing spells big black clouds of doom or anything, but there are a few ''red flags'' for me personally. but then again yes we only hear what is put out on here...we are not IN the relationship.
i also would not invest in any furniture etc on the house with him while you are kind of in this waiting game. and i would also yes give yourself a mental timeframe on how long you can wait....and maybe in a few weeks or a month you may want to see if HE is willing to talk about what HIS goals and plans are. i don''t agree with giving him too much space because he may view that as ''well now she''s off my back''....who really knows, it''s ALL speculation at this point...but you CAN drive your fate. whether it''s with him or without him. you are IN the drivers seat.
in any case, people here DO wish you only the best. good luck gal!!
in any case, as i already said in my post up above, i really hope that things work out the way you want them to and that the whole thing ends with a proposal that makes you ecstatic, BUT just keep your eyes open and as lady kemma said ''wait and see''. i don''t think that the whole thing spells big black clouds of doom or anything, but there are a few ''red flags'' for me personally. but then again yes we only hear what is put out on here...we are not IN the relationship.
i also would not invest in any furniture etc on the house with him while you are kind of in this waiting game. and i would also yes give yourself a mental timeframe on how long you can wait....and maybe in a few weeks or a month you may want to see if HE is willing to talk about what HIS goals and plans are. i don''t agree with giving him too much space because he may view that as ''well now she''s off my back''....who really knows, it''s ALL speculation at this point...but you CAN drive your fate. whether it''s with him or without him. you are IN the drivers seat.
in any case, people here DO wish you only the best. good luck gal!!
Allisonfaye
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2004
- Messages
- 1,456
Always,Date: 9/5/2006 5:21:27 PM
Author: sk8rjen
I''m sorry I never posted to this thread before, but I did want to let you know that I''ve kept up with your story and hope this all turns out positively! I agree with you that waiting 2 more months at this point is no big deal, but I hope you are willing to talk if his ''taking care of it'' takes longer than you are comfortable with.
One more thing, and honestly this kind of bothered me -- I know you two have talked ''of marriage,'' but it seems as if you two never actually use the word ''marry'' (like ''I can''t wait to marry you'') or use the word in a personal or positive way. Maybe you have and it hasn''t been posted or maybe I missed it. But what you''ve told us seems like he never lets the *actual* word be said. Maybe it''s not a big deal to you guys, but I''m thinking ''red flag'' here and I wish I could better describe why. But the gist of it is that happy couples I know don''t hold back on telling each other exactly how they feel, all descriptive wording included (not just referred to). I''d stay skeptical, but of course hopeful, if I were you. We all hope this works out exactly like you want it to! Keep us posted
jen
Sorry to hear you''ve been going through a tough time. I am glad that you are feeling better about things. Sometimes a good talk is what''s really needed. I do worry a little though about what Jen mentioned. I also noticed that it seemed like you and your bf talk about marriage w/o ever really using the word. Of course, this could just be the way you''ve worded your various discussions on PS and may not be the case at all. However, I''d want him to know exactly what you''re talking about and not be willing to just let him say..ok, i''ll take care of it, it''ll be fine, etc... What exactly will he take care of? Does he want to get married? Does he see himself proposing in the near future? While I don''t think he has to give you a specific deadline by which he will propose, being sure that the two of you are on the exact same page might ease your fears a bit and not make waiting so difficult.
Take care of yourself!
always.waiting
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2006
- Messages
- 63
No, my bf doesn''t say "I can''t wait to MARRY you" or say use the word marriage repeatedly, but of course he has used the word in our discussions.
I think it''s important to realize that people don''t say the same things in every relationship. People have different personalities for goodness sakes! Some of you might have bf''s who say "honey", "baby" or "I love you with all my heart and soul" and others may have bf''s who just give a special look or show through their actions, it''s all GOOD and ok. Many men are not expressive and some women too (me!). I don''t think whether or not my bf utters a specific phrase means much, and many of get too caught up in this stuff. Of course I know he is talking about marriage. We talk about the next step and it''s very clear what it is. When he talks about me just needing to be patient so he can work out the logistics, I think it''s clear what he means. I don''t feel the need to harp on him and say WHAT exactly for?? I''m also someone who doesn''t want to choose the ring, I want him to. Others feel different, and that''s OK.
Last night I asked him for a timeframe. I kinda wish I hadn''t, because, I really had a good idea after our recent talk. But it was eating at me after all I''ve heard. Anyway, he said he thought it was kinda weird that I wanted to know so much detail on when/how it was going to happen, and of course he''s right..but I told him I was concerned we''d be in the same boat eventually since we might have different views on time. I said he can give me a broad timeframe, but I just wanted to be sure we were in the same ball park. He said "a couple of months, no more." Which is what I had said internally. So for now, right or wrong, I have to let fate take hold and let things BE for a little bit. I feel fine about it.
I think it''s important to realize that people don''t say the same things in every relationship. People have different personalities for goodness sakes! Some of you might have bf''s who say "honey", "baby" or "I love you with all my heart and soul" and others may have bf''s who just give a special look or show through their actions, it''s all GOOD and ok. Many men are not expressive and some women too (me!). I don''t think whether or not my bf utters a specific phrase means much, and many of get too caught up in this stuff. Of course I know he is talking about marriage. We talk about the next step and it''s very clear what it is. When he talks about me just needing to be patient so he can work out the logistics, I think it''s clear what he means. I don''t feel the need to harp on him and say WHAT exactly for?? I''m also someone who doesn''t want to choose the ring, I want him to. Others feel different, and that''s OK.
Last night I asked him for a timeframe. I kinda wish I hadn''t, because, I really had a good idea after our recent talk. But it was eating at me after all I''ve heard. Anyway, he said he thought it was kinda weird that I wanted to know so much detail on when/how it was going to happen, and of course he''s right..but I told him I was concerned we''d be in the same boat eventually since we might have different views on time. I said he can give me a broad timeframe, but I just wanted to be sure we were in the same ball park. He said "a couple of months, no more." Which is what I had said internally. So for now, right or wrong, I have to let fate take hold and let things BE for a little bit. I feel fine about it.
Allisonfaye
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2004
- Messages
- 1,456
Mandarine
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 20, 2006
- Messages
- 3,786
AW,
I''m glad you''re working things out...you know your situation best and will be the best to judge, after all it is you the one that has to live with your decisions.
Now. This is a web forum....by posting here you are askign for advice from people you don''t know. I feel you''re getting defensive as if you needed to explain to us why you made your decisions. You don''t need to explain it to anybody, unless you want to. If you want to, that''s fine too...but I don''t think anybody is trying to attack you at all so there is no need to get defensive.
You are posting here, we are telling you what we see or feel about the situation from miles away and without really knowing either of you....so we can all be WAY off...
Having said that...I will just say what I''m thinking. What is it that is so clear to him now that wasn''t clear 3 weeks ago?. Couldn''t he have saved you 3 weeks of agony by just saying what he felt and giving you a timeline that worked for him too? was it that hard to just come out and say what he felt?. I think it would have saved you some heartache...and he should care about your feelings enough to be honest. What is the point of letting you sit around wondering if he wasn''t planning on proposing?? He kept saying not to worry, isn''t that also what he''s saying now?. It just seems to me like he''s very selfish. It''s about when he''s ready, if he''s ready and if the time comes and he''s still not ready, then so be it...he''ll just communicate that to you at the last possible minute.
I''m sorry but that''s just what I see from reading your posts and I just don''t get it. Like I said, you are the best judge and you have to do what feels right to you, but if you were my "real life" friend I would be honest and tell you what I think and not jut say something nice (like "yayy, I hope he does propose!").
I do hope things work out though and I also agree that it was a good idea to come and vent here instead of going to friends and family!. That''s never a good idea, unless you are 100% you are breaking it off with that person....
So feel free to come by, and vent...and be open to advice. We do all try to keep an "internet eye" out for each other
M~
I''m glad you''re working things out...you know your situation best and will be the best to judge, after all it is you the one that has to live with your decisions.
Now. This is a web forum....by posting here you are askign for advice from people you don''t know. I feel you''re getting defensive as if you needed to explain to us why you made your decisions. You don''t need to explain it to anybody, unless you want to. If you want to, that''s fine too...but I don''t think anybody is trying to attack you at all so there is no need to get defensive.
You are posting here, we are telling you what we see or feel about the situation from miles away and without really knowing either of you....so we can all be WAY off...
Having said that...I will just say what I''m thinking. What is it that is so clear to him now that wasn''t clear 3 weeks ago?. Couldn''t he have saved you 3 weeks of agony by just saying what he felt and giving you a timeline that worked for him too? was it that hard to just come out and say what he felt?. I think it would have saved you some heartache...and he should care about your feelings enough to be honest. What is the point of letting you sit around wondering if he wasn''t planning on proposing?? He kept saying not to worry, isn''t that also what he''s saying now?. It just seems to me like he''s very selfish. It''s about when he''s ready, if he''s ready and if the time comes and he''s still not ready, then so be it...he''ll just communicate that to you at the last possible minute.
I''m sorry but that''s just what I see from reading your posts and I just don''t get it. Like I said, you are the best judge and you have to do what feels right to you, but if you were my "real life" friend I would be honest and tell you what I think and not jut say something nice (like "yayy, I hope he does propose!").
I do hope things work out though and I also agree that it was a good idea to come and vent here instead of going to friends and family!. That''s never a good idea, unless you are 100% you are breaking it off with that person....
So feel free to come by, and vent...and be open to advice. We do all try to keep an "internet eye" out for each other
M~
always.waiting
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2006
- Messages
- 63
Madarine, well some of us will get defensive from time to time because it''s such a personal topicl, and it''s hard to have people parse certain phrases and events which are only a snapshot. I''m aware that this is a forum and it comes with the territory, but it''s also a forum of people "waiting" so people will be frustrated (some at least) and when we''re dealing with serious emotional relationships on top of it, it''s natural that people will want to defend what is important to them. I''m not disrespecting all feedback (at ALL), just sometimes, yes, I feel the need to set the record straight.
As for your post, yea it''s hard to explain in a post. In an ideal world, yea, our guys will save us heartache and do all the right things. In reality, men react to things very differently than women. It is not uncommon for guys to AVOID issues that are difficult, frustrating and emotional. Women are the opposite, they want to deal with it then and there. He has told me he started the "process" in those 3 wks and was on the right path to proposal. Then quite a few major things came up (our apt issues, a tenant in his rental broke a lease, job stuff) and made it difficult. I knew about all that stuff, and actually it made me panic MORE (worried he would get too caught up in other stuff and not focus on what he needed to focus on for me) so I put MORE pressure, constantly checking in with him to see if he was on top of it. In retrospect, I see how this made it worse and got him off track. He started to feel forced and constantly questioned. It reached a climax on the ultimatum date and everyone who''s been reading my posts sees what happened then. So the time off, the calming down helped (me mostly) and now he has (for the first time) revealed to me he was working on it, is committed to continue the process and for me to please be a little patient while he gets things done. Of course he is sorry for the heartache he put me through and the hurt, but sometimes relationships aren''t easy and well, there will be difficult moments (hopefully not too many though!). For now, I guess only time will tell and I''lll let you all know!
As for your post, yea it''s hard to explain in a post. In an ideal world, yea, our guys will save us heartache and do all the right things. In reality, men react to things very differently than women. It is not uncommon for guys to AVOID issues that are difficult, frustrating and emotional. Women are the opposite, they want to deal with it then and there. He has told me he started the "process" in those 3 wks and was on the right path to proposal. Then quite a few major things came up (our apt issues, a tenant in his rental broke a lease, job stuff) and made it difficult. I knew about all that stuff, and actually it made me panic MORE (worried he would get too caught up in other stuff and not focus on what he needed to focus on for me) so I put MORE pressure, constantly checking in with him to see if he was on top of it. In retrospect, I see how this made it worse and got him off track. He started to feel forced and constantly questioned. It reached a climax on the ultimatum date and everyone who''s been reading my posts sees what happened then. So the time off, the calming down helped (me mostly) and now he has (for the first time) revealed to me he was working on it, is committed to continue the process and for me to please be a little patient while he gets things done. Of course he is sorry for the heartache he put me through and the hurt, but sometimes relationships aren''t easy and well, there will be difficult moments (hopefully not too many though!). For now, I guess only time will tell and I''lll let you all know!
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