Update, need to vent

[sk8rjen]

AW, I hope you understand that everyone here has your best interests in mind and I think the majority of posts here are well thought-out responses intended to give *opinions* and support. We don''t know you or the relationship personally and do the best we can with what we''re given... LIW is an interesting place to hang out b/c people are both frustrated (who have waited for a long time) and excited (to spend the rest of their lives with their wonderful bf''s!), so I think everyone is in some sort of heightened emotional state when we post, which is VERY GOOD when it''s good, but can be BAD when it''s "not that bad." I''ve gotten some wonderful advice here, AMAZING amounts of support, and a friendly group of women who actually cared to share in my happiness! I also got some advice I didn''t take, a few perspectives on my relationship that were not close to true, etc etc... goes with the territory. I appreciated, and continue to appreciate, everyone who took the time to respond to me. All relationships ARE different, you are absolutely correct, and my observation about the use of the M word was only that: an observation. The fact that it''s no big deal TO YOU is all that''s important --- and I''m really glad that you two are on the same page about it! Trust me, I am not judging your relationship.

FWIW, my fiance is the quietest man I''ve ever known. Quite strange being that my ex-husband didn''t know when to shut up. So when my fiance uses a word, a phrase that is important, I know he means it. But much of his communication is non-verbal, which I am slowly but surely adjusting to. My fiance never went around professing that he couldn''t wait to marry me, but when we did have serious discussions, marriage was easily brought up. Of course, my moments of telling him "I can''t wait to marry you someday" were met with smiles and hugs, which spoke volumes.

I guess I''m just trying to say that my opinion was that -- from what you''ve told us -- you two seemed to skirt around the actual issue of marriage, and that lack of more direct conversation wouldn''t work for me. Since that''s not the case for you, please undersatnd that I was only trying to offer my help and support. We''re ALL rooting for you -- that''s what the LIW''s do!! Best of luck to you!
jen

 

[flopkins]

you know him best, you know YOU best.

It sounds like things may have changed for the better...

I wish you the best of luck and I hope we hear happy news in a few months!!!!!

 

[ephemery1]

AW, just wanted to chime in that I''m glad you''re feeling better about things. This is such a great forum for giving people a sounding board to talk things out and hear objective perspectives... and I think that mission was at least accomplished!

Just my thoughts... given what you''ve told us, I don''t think your fiance has handled this situation as well as he could have. He put you through a LOT of heartache, and I hope he''s aware of that so the next time a major life issue comes up (cause there were be plenty more over the course of your lives together!), you won''t have such a significant communication breakdown. His way of handling all this was NOT fair to you, regardless of job issues and tenant problems. If he is aware of that and genuinely sorry, then more power to him... he is a great guy. But it might be helpful to your relationship to seek some counseling (I think we''re going to, too) just to keep something like this from happening again. Again, just my thoughts!

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is a tough call. If you love him and feel it is worth waiting a bit, I say go for it. You know what you are okay with. If after this incident you feel he is stringing you along, if you feel regardless of what he came home telling you, then you can make a decision then. It is really up to you. You might tell him you understand that pushing a time frame was making him uncomfortable, but that you need to have a comfort level too. Be fair, as he should be too, and see how it sits in a month or so. If you feel there are no changes at all, you can reevaluate things then...

 

[Allisonfaye]

Date: 9/6/2006 6:57:09 PM
Author: ephemery1
AW, just wanted to chime in that I''m glad you''re feeling better about things. This is such a great forum for giving people a sounding board to talk things out and hear objective perspectives... and I think that mission was at least accomplished!

Just my thoughts... given what you''ve told us, I don''t think your fiance has handled this situation as well as he could have. He put you through a LOT of heartache, and I hope he''s aware of that so the next time a major life issue comes up (cause there were be plenty more over the course of your lives together!), you won''t have such a significant communication breakdown. His way of handling all this was NOT fair to you, regardless of job issues and tenant problems. If he is aware of that and genuinely sorry, then more power to him... he is a great guy. But it might be helpful to your relationship to seek some counseling (I think we''re going to, too) just to keep something like this from happening again. Again, just my thoughts!

I agree with the fact that he hasn''t handled it as well as he could have. I also can relate because this is exactly the way my fiance/husband was/is. He avoids any tough subjects and it absolutely drives me batty sometimes. But deep down he is a good guy as I am sure your bf is too. Do we have communication problems? You bet. We went to counseling to try to improve on it. I don''t really think it did much. Part of it is me learning to accept that his communication style (avoidance) is directly opposed to mine (discussion).

Just so you know though, once you pass this hurdle and get married, all your problems won''t magically be solved ( I don''t mean that I think you think that). I think I thought mine would and that that was the only issue that we really had. But in the long run, I am glad I married him and I love him more today than I ever did.

 

[always.waiting]

Alison, thanks for your post, it really got me thinking. My bf sounds the same as your husband. My bf is not quiet or shy, and can communicate fine, but not in the realm of our relationship. I used to think it was me. But I realize now that I''m shy which is what holds me back, but once I get over that (ie know someone well), I am very emotional and expressive.
His style is very difficult to deal with when times are tough. He really avoids me, shuts down, makes me feel like he wants me to leave him alone. I do do that, but eventually the tension gets high and I try to talk with him. I tell him how I feel, I ask how he feels, what I can do to make it better. But this tactic doesn''t work either. He is just a very unemotional guy and not able to communicate feelings or show affection. For the most part, I''m ok with this (my family was never affectionate), but it can be really tough at times.
I''m really interested in how you worked through this and what helped or made it worse or what your counselor concluded. My personal email [email protected] since it might be too much off topic here.

 

[flopkins]

AW - I think it is against forum policy to post personal emails. so I would edit your post if possible.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I do think it is fairly common for guys to be less verbal when it comes to emotional things. They also don''t get hints.

I know you love him and have a lot of time invested in the relationship. I''d even give him through Christmas, if it was me, because that is giving him plenty of opportunity to propose if he really plans to do so.

I''m rooting for this one to have a very happy ending!

 

[Becky P]

Hey there AW. I have been following your story because it sounds oh so similar to mine minus the living together part, but haven''t written yet. Have you thought about maybe taking a vacation with some girlfriends or visiting your family? Since you''re about to start a new job, it would probably be a good time to get away a little. Plus, it can have the added bonus of giving your boyfriend some space and time without you to make his plans and miss you a little bit. Living in a studio apartment, it''s probably tough to be on top of each other all the time. I wish you all the best. You know in your heart whether he''s telling you the truth or stringing you along. Personally, I feel like, when it''s time to take that step to walk away from my relationship, I''ll know. Something is still holding me with my boyfriend, and when it''s time to go, I''ll know it.

Also, one day when I was feeling super low about where my relationship was headed, I went to the local bookstore and sat down with several books from the relationships section. I had no intention of buying any of them, just thought I''d flip through them... But, one of them really spoke to me, so I bought it... It''s called Closing the Deal: Two Married Guys Reveal the Dirty Truth to Getting Your Man to Commit, and it''s written by Richard Kirshenbaum & Daniel Rosenberg. This has really helped me think though a lot of things, so you might want to check it out if you get a chance.

Good luck and keep us updated on the progress!