Urg.. can I girl get some advice? (LONG but hopefully not pathetic)

[bee*]

Aww Nikki-sending hugs. I was with D for over 8 years before we got engaged. I''m the same age as you and started going out with D when I was 17 so I know exactly how hard it can be at the thoughts of giving up a relationship that you''ve had for so long. The main reason that we didn''t get engaged for so long was that we only finished college when we were 25 and we wanted to get our careers going first before we got settled down. D wanted to get a house together straight away-I wouldn''t get a house unless I was engaged. We''d lived together travelling for months so I knew that we would be great in that way, but I just wouldn''t uproot everything without any commitment. Like others have said, he has all the benefits of having a wife as such, without having to do any of the commitment things. Things might have to shift a bit to make him realise what he may lose.
D and I had a couple of chats and I think that the main way to get him to open up is not to confront him as such, don''t cry etc, just try and have a chat about it but don''t let him get away with just saying he''s not ready. You''re living with him, sharing a life etc, you deserve to know where you stand. I hope that you get your answers from him and that you''re engaged soon.
One other thing-I presume that you have a copy of your payments etc for the house if it''s in his name. I hope that everything will be ok but just protect your own finances too.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

The other advice I will give is this: Don''t ask a direct question if you are not ready for a direct answer.

Guys are often blunt and do not really understand where we are coming from unless you give him examples and evidence of the behavior. Is is happy having a "housewife" or a roommate? Which one is he more inclined to sway towards? I think if you put yourself in the roommate situation for a while he might start to understand where you are coming from....Can he afford the house without you paying for part of the bills? If you sit down and outline why you feel the way that you fel he might come around and start to understand.

But he is a guy and it may take some time for it to soak in..

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 10/9/2008 10:25:59 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

You can give him every completely practical reason in the world to marry you. You can write him list after list of perfectly expressed feelings that are totally logical. But love and marriage have absolutely nothing to do with lists.

Basically, all you can do is strive to make the right decisions for yourself. I honestly believe when LIW post ''do I stay or do I go'' questions on PS, they secretly deep down inside know the answer.

I agree with this. Marriage is not a tactical decision, well, not really. It is possible he is holding back because he sees marriage as the ''go'' signal for kids.
I feel bad for you, I know my kind of sympathy is not helping.

I had quite enough of these kinds of experiences in the years before I was married.

In a way, all the soft-edged ''truth in relating'' stuff is a little frustrating for me, because character is almost an inbuilt thing, no-one can really help someone grow, it has to come from inside that person.

Perhaps you are not the best person to help him ''open up'', because you are so invested. Does he have someone else he can talk to? It''s a shame he won''t see a counsellor.

Anyway, all the best to you, hey. L.

 

[Halo]

BrilliantNikki: I''m really sorry about what''s going on, it''s never a fun or easy situation to be in.

I was in a similar situation where I was living with my BF of 2 1/2 years. On day he called me up and said "My friend''s building has a vacant apartment. Wanna move in with me?" I had been trying for at least a year before that to get him to talk about the future, but he never would, he''d just sit there in silence or give me 1-word answers. I didn''t think too much of it and thought that when we moved in it would solve a lot of things. But I was wrong. Once we moved in he was hardly ever home and we never talked. He''d go out almost every night and never once did he invite me. Trying to talk to him about our future was a lost cause. In the end I took this as sign, thinking that if he was as excited about a future with me as I was with him he''d initiate the conversation sometimes and be happy to do so. He never did, so I ended things.

While I''m not saying that your BF is like my ex was (my ex was a jerk which I couldn''t see until after, and I don''t think your BF sounds like that at all), my point is that I have been in a similar situation. You have been with your BF for a long time and I believe that you deserve a straight, honest answer from him about where things are going. Ideally it shouldn''t be something that you have to bring up or drag out of him, but either way he does need to talk to you and shutting down when you try to talk about something this important isn''t ok or respectful of you. I agree with what a previous poster said that perhaps living together is making it too easy for him.

IMO you deserve you know where your relationship stands and how he feels about things between you. I would approach him about it and let him know that a non-response is not acceptable. You''ve given him so much of your life, love and effort and asking him to communicate and let you know where things stand isn''t asking too much.

(This is just my 2 cents.)

 

[allycat0303]

I''m not in a relationship where I am afraid to ask for what I want, so I find it hard to imagine being in one. I have a friend that has been with her boyfriend for 9 years, (living together for 7) she is 29 and desperately wants to get married. She has only bought up the subject once in the 9 years they are together.

The way I see it, if you don`t ask the answer is ALWAYS NO. Sit down talk. Very serious. Timeline. Mental or expressed deadline. Sometimes you have to be very explicit about some things. And sometimes you have to make a man a little uncomfortable before he gives you what you want.

 

[Blackpaw]

Hi Nikki. Im so sorry that you''re going through this. I think there''s been lots of good advice alredy posted so im just going to add this as something that might help make this difficult time a little easier.

In the past when SO and i have had issues i know i became so consumed with ''us'' that i forgot to pay any attention to me. So my advice is while this is happening, to do something that makes you happy, separate to your SO. Maybe take up a foregin language or a sport or do a short course (ive always wanted to do floristry for some reason!) on something you''ve always been interested in. I think its good to remember that there''s more to you than this relationship, and it will give you some joy when you''re dealing with this tough stuff you know. Its also good to take the time for yourself to get some persepective on the relationship and what it means to you etc

*hugs* to you.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I know someone mentioned that it is hard to get out when you are living together. But if you do need to- you said the house is in his name and I am sure you could work out a way for him to pay you back your part, even if it is only a bit at a time. I was in this same situation and the minute I knew it wasn''t working I booked it out of there, found an apartment the next day and the man of my dreams 3 months later. I''m not saying this is what you should do, but what I am saying is that if it doesn''t work out, it''s not the end of the world. Either way, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and don''t get too down on yourself