Very long post, but please read

[NewEnglandLady]

I don''t want for you to feel piled on, Dreaming, because I do honestly feel bad that you''re in this situation. I think everybody here is making some very valid points in a constructive way.

I think the bottom line is that your boyfriend is using the financial advantages of living with his parents as an excuse...financial dependence to gain financial independence?

You said it best when you stated "I even lived on my own for a while but it was hard going to school and paying for it all on my own - so I reverted back to living at home". Living on your own and paying for school IS hard. Going back home is easy. It''s comfortable. It''s safe. But it isn''t growth and it isn''t independence.

I think it''s great that your boyfriend has financial goals...in fact, my husband and I started dating when I was 18 and he was 20 and had the financial goal of one day being able to write a check for a house with no mortgage, so I do completely understand. Saving the money meant adjusting our standard of living--to this day (9 years later), we still pay cheap rent, no car payment, only spending about 15% of savings on the ring/wedding, blah blah blah...a financial goal means sacrificing quite a bit, often times while watching others around you get expensive things (like nice e-rings!). You guys are in your mid/late twenties, at what point do you put a stake in the ground and say this is OUR life and we are going to achieve our goals on our own!

If your financial goal is a 1.4 carat cushion ring, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, if I were you I''d probably get a second job and start putting all of that money aside in your "ring" fund.

I agree with the others that just because he''s decided he wants to be 27 and living at home does not mean that you have to as well...the faster you move out and have your own little place (with freedom and privacy!), the better. Ideally he will realize that his request for you to continue living with his parents is too much, but if not, you need to be willing to take charge of your own life.

Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking trips on your own. I think some travel on your own or with a friend is a fantastic idea. There is no reason your birthday trip has to be with your boyfriend. Heck, I love taking trips on my own and love it when D takes trips on his own...and we''re married.

I wish you the best!!

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is fine that if his parents want him there then he is there. And she is part of him, but if they do not expect him to pay rent they cannot expect her to pay any. And it is likely they view her, after all of these years, as part of their family already, engagement or not.

Now, I have three sons and dread the day they leave me so hey, I might say STAY and bring your girlfriend too...but I think there could still be a way of teaching him and his girlfriend fiscal responsibility...there should be lessons in that whether or not they have no issues with his being there. It is not helping him at that age to just let him live there with no duties or what have you (which I only assume because I have no seen otherwise from the OP)...

I also do not mind a parent helping a kid who has been in school and working hard...that is their choice, but still, even so, fiscal responsibility is important, and I would also plan to give my kids things in life if I am able to, even when they are over 18. But I would want to see that they get some sense of money and priority at the same time.

 

[vslover]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:19:24 PM
Author: diamondfan
I think it is fine that if his parents want him there then he is there. And she is part of him, but if they do not expect him to pay rent they cannot expect her to pay any. And it is likely they view her, after all of these years, as part of their family already, engagement or not.


Now, I have three sons and dread the day they leave me so hey, I might say STAY and bring your girlfriend too...but I think there could still be a way of teaching him and his girlfriend fiscal responsibility...there should be lessons in that whether or not they have no issues with his being there. It is not helping him at that age to just let him live there with no duties or what have you (which I only assume because I have no seen otherwise from the OP)...


I also do not mind a parent helping a kid who has been in school and working hard...that is their choice, but still, even so, fiscal responsibility is important, and I would also plan to give my kids things in life if I am able to, even when they are over 18. But I would want to see that they get some sense of money and priority at the same time.

Clearly they DON''T think of her as family if she''s not even allowed to say she lives there...and why on Earth could they not expect her to pay rent? She''s employed and is contributing NOTHING to the household. I''m sort of amazed at how several people are coddling her. Her boyfriend''s family owes her nothing...she''s also giving them nothing. Ugh.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Diamondfan, you are such a sweet mama. Parents are great like that, always offering unconditional love

We love you for it!

That''s the thing...parents will almost always offer to help their kids out of any situation. But kids who''ve become adults? They''ll figure it out for THEMSELVES. No hand holding, no dependence, no "I need you to help me"s. My friends and I frequently talk about this--we all have wonderful parents who love us a ton and would help us out at any time, but most would rather work 4 jobs than ask for help from their parents, you know?

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I didn't mean to imply that people shouldn't accept help from their parents, btw. My parents paid for college and supported me throughout college. And between grad school (which I paid for) and my first job, I lived with my parents for a while while I was unemployed (I gave them a check once I had a job because I felt it was the right thing to do even though they didn't ask for rent). They did not owe that to me, so I am very grateful for what they were able to provide. HOwever, I cannot imagine bringing a boy to live with me at that time and putting that burden on my parents, no matter how much they loved the guy. And if that guy bought himself a trip while living with my parents to save money for our future? I am sure they would have something to say about that.

DotD, if you feel comfortable living with his parents, then that is your call since none of us know the whole situation. Just don't be surprised that they feel entitled to tell you how to spend your money. I hope you resolve this situation soon. Just talk to your bf, and you'll be fine.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''m not saying that his parents should demand or expect that she pay room and board when he doesn''t, I''m saying SHE should see the obligation, even if sonnyboy doesn''t. It''s a matter of pride. For all she knows they''d save it all and hand it back when the kids move out as a gift. Whatever they do with it, would be their business.

No reasonable working adult woman freeloads on someone else''s parents, then whines about the sacrifices she''s made, and how she wants a vacation, and a carat and a half diamond, yadda-yadda-yadda, and doesn''t contribute in any way. Not in my world anyway

I never thought I''d become one of those old codger types that went around saying "what is the world coming to" but seriously, WTH? Adult kids with no sense of pride or responsibility, but an overload of entitlement. Parents who coddle, enable, and cripple their own kids...good googly moogly already.

 

[LaraOnline]

Lol Purrfect Pear, that''s funny

Having grown adults in the family home, not paying any board, is not something I would do to myself, that is for sure.
FMIL probably feels well put upon.

But then, so does the OP, I imagine... I wouldn''t like to live with the in-laws, and I''m not sure the boyfriend is being at all fair. And yet, he flatly refuses to either move out, or pay!

I don''t think she can gracefully move out, it will be seen as voting against the relationship, it could make engagement very difficult.

I wonder whether anyone in her household can see that?

The boy should offer to pay board on her behalf (ie, the OP and Son begins paying board - and it shouldn''t be a token board, either, I don''t think!)

Mum is probably completely unappreciated! Why do parents do this to themselves? So they can keep Sonny at home, that''s why.

It''s certainly not all the OPs fault, imo.

 

[Hera]

I''m sorry, but I''m not sure your boyfriend is really ready to take on the next step of getting engaged as he hasn''t even shown he''s ready to support himself. I''m all for living at home while going to college but after that, I really think you need to move on your own and learn how to support yourself. Sure, it''s hard, but I think it''s imperative, especially for women that they know they can survive on their own.

I had a boyfriend that didn''t want to move out on his home until he purchased a home and when he did, did not realize how tough it was and so he sold it within a year or two only to move back into his parent''s house so he could save money so he could move out. Unfortunately, that was 8 years ago and he''s still living at home at the age of 40. I really worry about parents that make it really good for their children at home and then their kids don''t and really can''t leave.

I think people here have given you some really good advice. To me, 27 is old enough to be on your own. He should be able to manage his debt as so many others manage their student loans and save up (albeit slowly) for an engagement ring or a house.

 

[diamondfan]

Hey, I am only half joking about dreading my kids leaving me! I am not above bribery or other enticements, lol. I know they should go, but even college is wigging me no end!!!! I hope I am not going to be one of those pathetic moms...running down the street in tears as they leave...

Purr, you are not wrong. They both have jobs, and I guess the whingeing does not make sense to me. If the parents are cool with it I guess it will continue, but they are not really helping them start their lives in adult or productive ways. I think, at a certain age, kick the bird out of that nest. And she could say to boyfriend, buddy, let''s both kick in SOME rent, and maybe offer to help with stuff around the house, just because it is the right thing to do and I am not sure I could marry a guy who was content to just be at home like that. She could certainly be the voice of reason with him, why would he not listen to her and at least make some move towards being more responsible?

The 40 year old guy at home? AARRRGGG that is freaky. Is he at least in the guest house or something?! How proud his parents must be!!!!

 

[Hera]

No, he''s actually in one of the small

Date: 8/15/2008 1:16:12 AM
Author: diamondfan
Hey, I am only half joking about dreading my kids leaving me! I am not above bribery or other enticements, lol. I know they should go, but even college is wigging me no end!!!! I hope I am not going to be one of those pathetic moms...running down the street in tears as they leave...

Purr, you are not wrong. They both have jobs, and I guess the whingeing does not make sense to me. If the parents are cool with it I guess it will continue, but they are not really helping them start their lives in adult or productive ways. I think, at a certain age, kick the bird out of that nest. And she could say to boyfriend, buddy, let''s both kick in SOME rent, and maybe offer to help with stuff around the house, just because it is the right thing to do and I am not sure I could marry a guy who was content to just be at home like that. She could certainly be the voice of reason with him, why would he not listen to her and at least make some move towards being more responsible?

The 40 year old guy at home? AARRRGGG that is freaky. Is he at least in the guest house or something?! How proud his parents must be!!!!

He stays in one of the small bedrooms in the house. He pays for nothing there and makes around $100k (so he says) a year. His brother lived there during grad school (understandable) with a live-in girlfriend that never paid anything either. They eventually broke up because she got tired of waiting and wanted to move out and get engaged.

 

[diamondfan]

Euuww, that is just oddball. How could he not just move out already? does not seem he ever will now...pretty soon his folks might need him to take care of them!

The parents clearly enabled both their sons to do this so it is what it is...they cannot complain since they allowed it to go on for years.

 

[vita*dolce]

Date: 8/14/2008 3:35:52 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
First and foremost, tell his parents (Mom esspecially) to back off...like way off...like way, way, way off. It is not their place to ref. your disagreements. You have every right to feel disappointed, upset, and if you want to freakin cry--thats your right too! She was completely out of line with her off-the-wall suggestions. And I just wish you could have had the mind set to tell her that this was strictly between your boyfriend and you...and to keep her nose out of it.


If you want to take a great trip...go for it! Not everything you do must be directly tied in to your boyfriend. If he cannot get away from work, that''s understandable...but he needs to understand that doesn''t mean you cannot go and enjoy yourself...esspecially if you''re traveling to be with you friend and family.


I am very sorry you''re feeling hurt...but you need to understand that most MIL''s are like that. Regardless of how close you two ladies are...when the chips are down, she will always rally to defend her son. She probably looks at the ering you want as over the top....and lets face it, a 1.4 Cushion cut is not a cheap diamond. She probably feels, if you have to live with them to get by, he shouldn''t be spending all that money on a diamond. And then, to put the cherry on top, you''re taking a solo vacation without him, while he stays home to make money to support your diamond habit.


And for what its worth, you''re worth more. If they are embarrassed you live there...screw em''. Its their son who can''t seem to live Mommy and Daddy lil'' nest. They need to cut the apron string, and he needs to man up...period. He lives there, worked for them...and you embarrass them? LOL. Move out honey, with or without him...you''ll be happier.

yeah. what she said. don''t let the FMIL play such a large role in your relationship -- that''s creating a pattern that you''re going to really regret in the future! get the HECK out of that house! that living situation is NOT healthy!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 8/14/2008 2:10:47 PM
Author:dreaming of the day


I guess its that I feel like I have sacrificed a lot lately, push backed engagement, perhaps no trip, and living with his family (which is great financially and I truly love them like my own family, but its still difficult). It is so hard because if we didnt live there they wouldnt even really know about half this stuff. Plus I feel like they think I am a little brat for being upset about it all. I feel like I should be allowed to feel sad! When his mom spoke of my ring - she''s like ''you have outrageous expectations how do expect this to happen anytime soon'' I did say some things like ''the longer I wait the bigger it has to be..''(I was just mad sperting out hurtful things) and she asked me if I was with her son for the money, the odacity after seven years for her to ask that, and thats why were not engaged because we dont have the money. His family is very comfortable financially but they are by no means rich. Sorry just venting...

If you made it through this, thanks. If you are not exhausted I would love some words of advice/couragement/reality etc...

PS The ring I want is 1.25 to 1.40 centre cushion with micro pave band - is that really too outrageous. I also don''t want to ever upgrade so I don''t feel that is an option.

WOW!!

young lady you sure have a lot to learn about life. wish i can give you a good spanking over the internet b/c you deserve one.

 

[diamondfan]

vslover, I think I missed something in the thread. I did not know they did not allow her to say that she lives there. But she does clearly say they are like her family and treat her as such.

I think it is time to move out. Period. They WILL be in your business if you live there, it is like ref'ing your kids fights., you have to just almost expect they will offer their views if you are under their roof. If you want to avoid some of that going forward, move out, if you want to be viewed as an adult show you are one. Get engaged to your guy when the time is right, with a ring he can afford, but honestly I would have more respect him if he was able to move out too, get a place together, something you can both afford, and take those first steps. Why should he move out and rent if you can live there and you accept this arrangement? Your comments about how easy it is to live there is not good, do not get complacent, make the effort to start your lives away from them, you can still be close to them. Also, no offense, I do not think it is really the interviewer's job to ask your boyfriend if he is planning any trips soon...he could have mentioned it, and now, if it does not work out for him to go he will have to live. There will be times when you are married that crap happens and things do not unfold according to plan so this is just one of those times.

ETA: just saw that he left working for his family because they did not compensate him properly, so he wanted to take a stand there but still lives at home and does not contribute. Does anyone else find that a bit odd? Also, if they think it trashes your reputation to live there and they love you so much, why are they allowing it? I would have told my son, yes we will give you a raise if YOU GET AN APARTMENT. Hello, why is this tough? I would also just move out on my own as I have a sense this is not going to be a good thing in the long haul. He has a funny position to refuse to rent because he is putting a standard out there that he cannot reach too easily. If you just simply move, it might be a kick in the pants for him.

 

[Hera]

Date: 8/15/2008 1:35:08 AM
Author: diamondfan
Euuww, that is just oddball. How could he not just move out already? does not seem he ever will now...pretty soon his folks might need him to take care of them!

The parents clearly enabled both their sons to do this so it is what it is...they cannot complain since they allowed it to go on for years.

I think he doesn''t have much incentive. They obviously don''t mind him being there and there isn''t a financial hardship because his parent s are well off.

 

[diamondfan]

But do you tell a girl you meet that at 40 years old you live in the house with your parents? that would scare me off personally!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 8/15/2008 2:07:52 AM
Author: diamondfan
But do you tell a girl you meet that at 40 years old you live in the house with your parents? that would scare me off personally!

That is the makings of a 40 year old virgin.

 

[diamondfan]

Freke, not sure he is a virgin but he won''t have a lot of luck getting much NOW. I would think the guy was a bit off if I knew that.

 

[somehowcollide]

DOTD, thanks for sharing a bit of your personal life, and valuing our opinions enough to post your situation. I assume you posted not only to get some real and candid advice, but were probably also hoping that there were a few of us on here who understood and could sympathize, or even empathize with where you are coming from.

I feel like there are parts of your story that I can relate to, either from my own experience or from those of my friends and close acquaintances. What is key to this whole equation is culture and tradition. DOTD, I am not sure what your heritage or that of your FF''s is, but if it is anything like mine (Southeast Asian) then many of this sounds familiar. Living at home with ones parents especially in early adulthood (when first marrying or having a young family) is quite typical and accepted. As a matter of fact, I am going to be living with my in-laws (mom, dad and two brothers) when we first marry. Although there is no telling what the future holds, I understand that by marrying the eldest born son I could be living with my mother and father in law for as long as they live. I understand this, accept it and do not mind it. Like you, I get along with them well and they treat me like their own daughter. In cultural situations like this, from my understanding, there is no clear distinction with who foots the bills. Generally, it is the responsibility of the primary breadwinner (for you DOTD it is FFIL, right?). If the parents are working they will contribute to the household bills or pay for it entirely. However, once the son is done with school and has an established career, it is customary to retire the parents (or let them work part-time) and support the family. It would be awkward for the daughter-in-law (realized or future) to make any sort of formal payment (but honestly, treating them to a nice dinner, or buying groceries once is a while is a nice gesture). Any $$ that the DIL wants to contribute should come from her and her boyfriend/fiance/husband otherwise it would be deemed offensive to the in-laws.

Your situation DOTD is really sticky, because while I assume they would be glad to have you as a ward once you two are married, they probably feel uncomfortable having you living with them without getting hitched. It doesn''t mean that they don''t love you, or don''t want you to be a part of their family, it just means that you are disregarding some long standing cultural traditions. I am assuming that they fear if word got out that you were living with your boyfriend before marriage you would seem "cheap" (silly, I know, but a reality in many cultures). Furthermore, if you two are living under one roof that would imply that his parents condone this sort of thing, encourage it even. In which case their good name in the community would be sullied as well. To be honest DOTD, I bet your FMIL feels very guilty about having you live there, she probably feels like she is transgressing upon the morals and values she was raised with, and perhaps even some religious ideals. I hate to say this but if they think your name will be "trashed" it is likely that their own perception of you has been influenced by this, and they may respect you a little less. You mentioned that you felt bad about their insistence on keeping your living situation a secret, I think the above explains why.

It is a good sign that they are letting you live with them, though. That means that they adore you so much that they are willing to sacrifice their personal beliefs and traditions. However, your FMIL''s suggestion that you get married right away is probably a sign that she no longer wants you two to live in "sin."

The absolute best suggestion I''ve heard so far is for you to get your own place. Honestly, why not? I''m guessing the primary reason is because FF doesn''t want you to leave, nor do you want to deal with the emotional trauma of separating from him. But you know what, OH, FREAKING, WELL! DO IT! Perhaps you''re afraid of upsetting or offending your in-laws. Surely, there will be some pouts and they will say that they "don''t understand why you would want to leave." Use their ammo against them! Tell them that you just feel uncomfortable living at their house without being married. (BTW, how do YOUR parents feel about this? I assume they are of the same culture?) Let them know that you would like a place of your own, especially right before getting married, to keep your "respect" intact

. Believe me, once you move out and only make polite house visits, they will respect you a lot more! They will miss your being around, and realize that you really are a woman with a good head on her shoulders and are independent and can take of yourself (this should help dismiss any ideas they have about you marrying for $$).That should take care of that problem. As far as the FF goes, well, you know what? Moving out will give him a reality check. Its fine if he doesn''t want to rent, he can live at home. Why do you have to be subjected to that? And why do you LET yourself be subjected to that? You make your own money, you have an education and a career. Get your own place! You know how I thought that it would make your in-laws respect you more? I daresay it will make him respect you more too. Chances are he will try to get engaged much quicker (just to have you with him) and perhaps he will change his mind about renting as well.

Most importantly having your own place will help you gain a lot of the self-confidence, freedom, independence and privacy that you seem to need. You possess the means to make this happen, and I truly think that you should. Maybe it will be a bit of a financial burden but it is SO worth it. There is no flip side to this that I can see. It is about time you asserted your own will, and showed your FF and his family your personal strength and value. I think your personal esteem will rise with them. Just make sure to do it with a lot of grace and appreciation. After all, these people let you live in their home and they want you to marry their son. Plus, you will no longer have to lie to the world and feel shameful about your "dirty little secret."

As far as your ering requirements, well, I think this kind of shows an unfavorable side of you. Your FF clearly knows what you want, but right now neither of you has the means to afford it. Please accept that for what it is. I don''t think you should lower your parameters or "settle" but just be prepared to wait some more! Trust that he is saving up, and perhaps save up some of your own $$ as well. Come up with an estimated cost of the ring, and open up a savings account where the two of you put aside X amount every two weeks or month. This is money for your dream ring, and dream ring ONLY. That way this money cannot be spent on other things. And plus, if you have a realistic timeline, you will find it easier to wait. Also, some retailers have layaway plans, that might be something for the two of you to consider. BTW, I think your ring idea is lovely, and I think it will make a really beautiful set! I hope that you finally get what you desire, as I think it will bring you much happiness.

Oh gosh, I am soooo incredibly sorry to all for writing this ridiculously long post (I''m afraid that once I submit this the entire forum will go down

) I guess I just had a lot to say. DOTD, I hope that I didn''t say anything to offend you and I apologize in advance for any false assumptions or misrepresentations. I really do understand where you are coming from, and have seen it happen. Don''t feel like you are alone or helpless, and again thanks for sharing with us.

 

[Hera]

Date: 8/15/2008 2:20:33 AM
Author: diamondfan
Freke, not sure he is a virgin but he won''t have a lot of luck getting much NOW. I would think the guy was a bit off if I knew that.

I''m pretty sure he''s not a virgin

but I met him when I was 17 years old and he was 24. If I would have known he was going to be forever afraid of commitment I would have never dated him (I''m really glad now). He likes being single, though. He''s on Match.com and yahoo and he meets women that way. Before he started with the online dating, he used to have relationships, but now he just dates. He likes them young, though as his last girlfriend when he was 32 was just 20 years old and I was underage when I met him. ugggghhh

 

[bee*]

Firstly, I think that you definitely need to move out. My in-laws are amazing too but after three weeks away with them, enough was definitely enough. It'' nice to have a great relationship with them, but living with them is just too much, especially if you''re not contributing to the household. I agree with Purrfectpear on that one in that you should definitely contribute to the household, if your MIL won''t accept it, keep pushing at it. I think that the ring that you''re looking for is a bit excessive at this stage. I can totally understand the fact that you''re together a long time ( I was with D since I was 17 and we got engaged after 8 years), but I don''t think that your bf could afford the ring at the moment. I like the idea of getting a band which you can use as your wedding band and getting the beautiful cushion later on. I''m really sorry that you''re in this situation, but I think that as long as you''re both living there, things aren''t going to move along quickly in your relationship. I''d move out, show your bf how great it can be not living with parents and hopefully he''ll reassess his decision to not move out until he can afford to buy.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Date: 8/14/2008 2:10:47 PM
Author:dreaming of the day
I have never started my own post, but I just really feel like I need some advice...

Background: Me and my SO have been dating almost 7 years (anniversary in October) but we started young as I had just turned 18 and he 20. We talk about marriage a lot and I know he is 100% sure of spending his life with me - our only hold up is finances. He just finished school last year and has quite a bit of debt to pay off. We live with his parents so we can save for a down payment, ring, wedding - and debt repayment. Sometimes it is really hard living with my SO''s family but we are extremely close.

So a few months ago... we were looking at diamonds very intently, I found one that I completely fell in love with and it was a good price. Everything was set to go. Now my SO is not very spontaneous and this was not planned, so you can imagine that I felt above cloud nine. I couldn''t wipe the smile from my face until... my SO gave his notice at work. It was completely justified because he now had his degree ,and his wage no longer reflected that - when he asked for a raise he only got $1 extra per hour (nice raise

). So the money he had in savings went to paying minimum payments while he was out of work. I know we made the right decision but it didnt make it any less hurtful - I was devistated. He ended up being out of work longer than I thought, so it really was the best choice. (I have to keep telling myself that - hence the repitition). We had been planning to take a trip in October (this was talked about for a long time) as it is my b-day and our anniversary and I was determined to make this happen - I need something to look forward to. Originally I believe this would have been when he proposed but I know that it won''t happen, heck I think our timeline has been push backed another 6 months.

Anyways long story short (not really short) he got a job, and I booked the trip because it was a great deal. I know this was a bad idea because now he has to ask for five days off in October, and he might not be able to come. But I convinced my BFF and my family to come celbebrate my b-day with me, so even if he can''t come I have to go even though my SO would be mad. I guess I booked it because I wanted the spontanity from being so upset before, and this time I had the control over it. Now I am stressed out, I cried a lot last night, got in a fight with his family (cause they think I made a stupid decision reagarding booking the trip and they are mad at me), and brought up everything that made me so upset.

I guess its that I feel like I have sacrificed a lot lately, push backed engagement, perhaps no trip, and living with his family (which is great financially and I truly love them like my own family, but its still difficult). It is so hard because if we didnt live there they wouldnt even really know about half this stuff. Plus I feel like they think I am a little brat for being upset about it all. I feel like I should be allowed to feel sad! When his mom spoke of my ring - she''s like ''you have outrageous expectations how do expect this to happen anytime soon'' I did say some things like ''the longer I wait the bigger it has to be..''(I was just mad sperting out hurtful things) and she asked me if I was with her son for the money, the odacity after seven years for her to ask that, and thats why were not engaged because we dont have the money. His family is very comfortable financially but they are by no means rich. Sorry just venting...

If you made it through this, thanks. If you are not exhausted I would love some words of advice/couragement/reality etc...

PS The ring I want is 1.25 to 1.40 centre cushion with micro pave band - is that really too outrageous. I also don''t want to ever upgrade so I don''t feel that is an option.

YES.

Read through all you wrote about your FF''s financial situation- how can you not answer that for yourself? I understand about not wanting to upgrade, I don''t either- but that is too much of a ring for how little it seems your FF has right now. Either wait to get engaged or wait until the ring isn''t what this is all about for you... Good Luck!

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:42:51 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I''m not saying that his parents should demand or expect that she pay room and board when he doesn''t, I''m saying SHE should see the obligation, even if sonnyboy doesn''t. It''s a matter of pride. For all she knows they''d save it all and hand it back when the kids move out as a gift. Whatever they do with it, would be their business.

No reasonable working adult woman freeloads on someone else''s parents, then whines about the sacrifices she''s made, and how she wants a vacation, and a carat and a half diamond, yadda-yadda-yadda, and doesn''t contribute in any way. Not in my world anyway

I never thought I''d become one of those old codger types that went around saying ''what is the world coming to'' but seriously, WTH? Adult kids with no sense of pride or responsibility, but an overload of entitlement. Parents who coddle, enable, and cripple their own kids...good googly moogly already.

"One of those old codger types"? Hey! I represent that remark!

Your right. Reasonable young women should not be in this position, or of this mindset. I fnd that there are quite a few unreasonable young adults out there. I blame their parents; mine would have kicked my patootie.

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Hey there Dreaming.
This situation sounds pretty awful.

If you continue to stay with your BF''s parents you can continue to expect comments on your behaviour from them.
If your BF continues to let this situation persist (ie by stubbornly refusing to move out) then you can expect to gradually feel your worth in the relationship diminish and your self-esteem to decline.

It is good to be independent, it is a good feeling to know that you are out there on your own (+/- BF) supporting yourself. And then when you do eventually invite your parents-in-law round to your house (NB invitation ONLY) then you can wear your 1.4 cushion with pride, knowing exactly what it took to get there.

But basically, get the heck out of that house.

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Hey there Dreaming.
This situation sounds pretty awful.

If you continue to stay with your BF''s parents you can continue to expect comments on your behaviour from them.
If your BF continues to let this situation persist (ie by stubbornly refusing to move out) then you can expect to gradually feel your worth in the relationship diminish and your self-esteem to decline.

It is good to be independent, it is a good feeling to know that you are out there on your own (+/- BF) supporting yourself. And then when you do eventually invite your parents-in-law round to your house (NB invitation ONLY) then you can wear your 1.4 cushion with pride, knowing exactly what it took to get there.

But basically, get the heck out of that house.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:22:45 PM
Author: vslover

Date: 8/14/2008 11:19:24 PM
Author: diamondfan
I think it is fine that if his parents want him there then he is there. And she is part of him, but if they do not expect him to pay rent they cannot expect her to pay any. And it is likely they view her, after all of these years, as part of their family already, engagement or not.


Now, I have three sons and dread the day they leave me so hey, I might say STAY and bring your girlfriend too...but I think there could still be a way of teaching him and his girlfriend fiscal responsibility...there should be lessons in that whether or not they have no issues with his being there. It is not helping him at that age to just let him live there with no duties or what have you (which I only assume because I have no seen otherwise from the OP)...


I also do not mind a parent helping a kid who has been in school and working hard...that is their choice, but still, even so, fiscal responsibility is important, and I would also plan to give my kids things in life if I am able to, even when they are over 18. But I would want to see that they get some sense of money and priority at the same time.

Clearly they DON'T think of her as family if she's not even allowed to say she lives there...and why on Earth could they not expect her to pay rent? She's employed and is contributing NOTHING to the household. I'm sort of amazed at how several people are coddling her. Her boyfriend's family owes her nothing...she's also giving them nothing. Ugh.

How do you know they even want money from her?

My FI never lived on his own before moving in with me. He didn't feel the need to live somewhere else when he could just give them some money and stay at home. And he also wanted to buy, not rent, because in Miami it doesn't make sense to pay $2,000 in rent for a 1 bedroom when you can pay a mortgage for $1,200.

When they invited me into their house they did not accept any money from me at all. I would write them a check for $500, they would rip it up. I would sneak in some cash whenever he gave them money and his mom would turn it away. They wouldn't let me buy groceries, clean the house, or anything. Believe me when I tell you that I tried because it made me uncomfortable that they wouldn't accept any money at all. (Side note: I finally got around all of that by giving them a home depot gift card that they couldn't throw out as they were in the middle of remodeling their home). But they saw me as their daughter, after being together for 5 years, and felt that they were helping me.

How do you know his family doesn't feel that way? I think that them not wanting to mention she lives there is more because of what others would think. Maybe they come from a really religious family or a family that likes to talk trash and would rather not deal with the drama.

I agree that his family owes her nothing but how do you know they aren't doing this from their hearts?

ETA: Also, what help is he getting besides board? It would be a totally different situation if he was racking up a credit card bill with all of his expenses and mom and dad were paying for it. But if he's paying his own expenses, just not rent, then what's the big deal? If my mom was in town, I would *still* be living with her.

 

[Booper717]

I apologize in advance, I havn''t read all the posts, but quite a few. I usually keep my opinions out of threads that begin to get controversial, but I''m feeling brave today!

I''m going to be nice when saying this, but I don''t think it''s nesscary to attack anyone, because when it comes down to it you can talk until you''re blue in the face but a person is still going to do/act/say/believe what they want to. I agree with one post I read when the writer said that alot of people come here for validation, and when it turns out to be anything less than validation they immediatly put up a defense (which is human nature) and because they''re so busy defending themselves they don''t really consider the things people are saying and the advice trying to be given. This irrates me. If you don''t want true advice and critizism, then don''t post your issue here for the eyes of the public. (I''m not saying YOU are doing this, I''m just making a generalazation.)


Any whooo... You know what confuses me most? When someone complains about wanting to be engaged so BADLY, and then the whole reason they''re not engaged yet boils down to.....any guesses? The ring! This honestly makes me feel ill. Was I excited about my ring? Yes. I''m I still excited to see the ring? Yes. Would I get engaged to him if he couldn''t afford the ring and had nothing but his heart to give me? HELL YES. In fact, I made a strong agrument in the beginning about getting a ring, I wanted him to use one I already had, or use the promise ring he bought me, or use nothing, I just want to be in his life forever, and his heart, and I want to give him mine in return. I want everyone to know how much I love him and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to reassure him that there will never, ever, not in a million years be another person that I could ever love more. That''s what being engaged means to me. Notice, there wasn''t anything about the ring in there. He''s the one who insisted we get an e-ring (of course i''m excited, i won''t lie) but I realize what excites me about the ring being in his posseion is what he intends to do with it. The promise he intends to give me when he offers me the ring. That is what it''s all about! I even said I don''t need a wedding, lets just go to the court house, and have a simple party afterwords for all of our friends and family, that way we can save money and put it towards improveing our home. He said he wants a wedding, it''s important, and he wants me to experiance that. None of this is obligatory in my answer to wed him.

It litterly brings tears to my eyes right now to think of how much I love my SO, and I can''t even imagine turning down an engagment (or delaying engagment) to him becasue he couldn''t afford a ring. But in this case it''s not just a ring, it''s a 1+ caret diamond ring.

It''s one thing to wait while he saves up a bit for a ring, but saving for a 1+ caret diamond ring, a wedding, a home, etc. well... that may be A LLLLOOONNNGGGG wait, and the diamond should be the last on that list. IMHO.

Honestly, you shouldn''t even begin thinking about such a purchase. In your situation the most important this is getting out of his parents house. What would you rather have:

A. A beautiful 1+ caret ring, and live at the future inlaws?
or....
B. A place of your own that you both can be proud of?


If I was a parent and my 27 yr old son was living at home with his g/f and he went out and bought her a 1+ ct. diamond ring.. that would be it, they''d both be out.

Your Priorties are too messed up here, I''m sorry. I had to say something.

If you want to be engaged so badly because you love him more than anything, and couldn''t bare to ever lose him, then forgo the ring, or get an inexpensive ring, there''s nothing wrong with that. After all it''s the promise that comes with the ring, not just the size or the sparkle. But, if you want to be engaged becasue you just want the jewerly, you better rethink what your doing with your SO.


I''m trying to give you honest advice, not be mean, I''m so sorry if it comes out that way to you.

Think about it.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 8/14/2008 9:00:28 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Good grief, I don''t care why HE wants to live at home and freeload...that''s between him and his mommy and daddy.

On the other hand, YOU are 25 years old, YOU are not related, YOU are not engaged, YOU do have a job, and YOU don''t pay ANYTHING TOWARDS RENT OR FOOD EITHER

Honey, that''s called mooching. Either find some integrity and start paying something for food and rent (and don''t take NO for an answer), or move out already. You''ve set yourself up as a slacker. No wonder momma feels free to tell you what you should and shouldn''t do/expect as ring/etc. You don''t carry your own weight. Until you start acting like an adult (paying your own way through life) you don''t really have any right to expect to be treated as an adult.

I agree 100%. If your SO wants to live at home with mommy & daddy & have his dinners on the table for him when he comes home, those are his issues, but you are not their daughter and don''t need to be sucked into the strange dependency issues going on there. You have a full-time job (I assume you make decent money) and you should move out if you don''t like his family in your business.

It doesn''t make sense to me that he would quit his family job because he only got $1/hour raise only to live at home with his family. If he wants to be respected as an adult by his family I would suggest he move out as well.

If it''s that important to you BOTH to live together (not sure why at this point, maybe you can explain), I would hope that your SO puts whatever qualms he has about renting aside for the sake of your happiness.

I have to be honest, if I was housing an adult that was not my son/daughter and they were contributing nothing, I would raise more than an eyebrow if they took a big trip while insisting on a larger than average engagement ring anytime soon. Perhaps they wouldn''t accept any money, but if I was your SO''s parents would hope that it would go towards any debt/savings/investments you have so that you & your SO can move out ASAP. I bet that however they treat you like their own family, they do not express these feelings to others and may speak differently behind your back about the whole situation if they are in denial about you living there and your SO''s mother has already reacted that way to your ring expectations.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/15/2008 11:17:14 AM
Author: Booper717
I apologize in advance, I havn''t read all the posts, but quite a few. I usually keep my opinions out of threads that begin to get controversial, but I''m feeling brave today!

I''m going to be nice when saying this, but I don''t think it''s nesscary to attack anyone, because when it comes down to it you can talk until you''re blue in the face but a person is still going to do/act/say/believe what they want to. I agree with one post I read when the writer said that alot of people come here for validation, and when it turns out to be anything less than validation they immediatly put up a defense (which is human nature) and because they''re so busy defending themselves they don''t really consider the things people are saying and the advice trying to be given. This irrates me. If you don''t want true advice and critizism, then don''t post your issue here for the eyes of the public. (I''m not saying YOU are doing this, I''m just making a generalazation.)


Any whooo... You know what confuses me most? When someone complains about wanting to be engaged so BADLY, and then the whole reason they''re not engaged yet boils down to.....any guesses? The ring! This honestly makes me feel ill. Was I excited about my ring? Yes. I''m I still excited to see the ring? Yes. Would I get engaged to him if he couldn''t afford the ring and had nothing but his heart to give me? HELL YES. In fact, I made a strong agrument in the beginning about getting a ring, I wanted him to use one I already had, or use the promise ring he bought me, or use nothing, I just want to be in his life forever, and his heart, and I want to give him mine in return. I want everyone to know how much I love him and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to reassure him that there will never, ever, not in a million years be another person that I could ever love more. That''s what being engaged means to me. Notice, there wasn''t anything about the ring in there. He''s the one who insisted we get an e-ring (of course i''m excited, i won''t lie) but I realize what excites me about the ring being in his posseion is what he intends to do with it. The promise he intends to give me when he offers me the ring. That is what it''s all about! I even said I don''t need a wedding, lets just go to the court house, and have a simple party afterwords for all of our friends and family, that way we can save money and put it towards improveing our home. He said he wants a wedding, it''s important, and he wants me to experiance that. None of this is obligatory in my answer to wed him.

It litterly brings tears to my eyes right now to think of how much I love my SO, and I can''t even imagine turning down an engagment (or delaying engagment) to him becasue he couldn''t afford a ring. But in this case it''s not just a ring, it''s a 1+ caret diamond ring.

It''s one thing to wait while he saves up a bit for a ring, but saving for a 1+ caret diamond ring, a wedding, a home, etc. well... that may be A LLLLOOONNNGGGG wait, and the diamond should be the last on that list. IMHO.

Honestly, you shouldn''t even begin thinking about such a purchase. In your situation the most important this is getting out of his parents house. What would you rather have:

A. A beautiful 1+ caret ring, and live at the future inlaws?
or....
B. A place of your own that you both can be proud of?


If I was a parent and my 27 yr old son was living at home with his g/f and he went out and bought her a 1+ ct. diamond ring.. that would be it, they''d both be out.

Your Priorties are too messed up here, I''m sorry. I had to say something.

If you want to be engaged so badly because you love him more than anything, and couldn''t bare to ever lose him, then forgo the ring, or get an inexpensive ring, there''s nothing wrong with that. After all it''s the promise that comes with the ring, not just the size or the sparkle. But, if you want to be engaged becasue you just want the jewerly, you better rethink what your doing with your SO.


I''m trying to give you honest advice, not be mean, I''m so sorry if it comes out that way to you.

Think about it.

ok...this is a tiny threadjack. where i do think all your aforementioned points are right on.. i do think that some responses (not to this particular thread) are really harsh and mean spirited. Now if the OP has asked for honest opinions and advice.. then so be it.... but if it is a simple rant... then i do not feel that we as a community have a right to attack.I also see a pattern where people -and i have also done this- read between the lines and try to get inside someones head and analyze them.. its just plain weird... I no longer give my opinion on anything unless it is asked of me... because from personal experience.. some can get down right mean rather than getting to the thick of the problem.

your points though we really wonderful ones and i do hope that the OP takes all of this and really thinks about it. I hope for her sake that it is the ENGAGEMENT itself that she truely cares about and not the 1+ cushion they so obviously cannot afford.

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/15/2008 11:17:14 AM
Author: Booper717
I apologize in advance, I havn''t read all the posts, but quite a few. I usually keep my opinions out of threads that begin to get controversial, but I''m feeling brave today!

I''m going to be nice when saying this, but I don''t think it''s nesscary to attack anyone, because when it comes down to it you can talk until you''re blue in the face but a person is still going to do/act/say/believe what they want to. I agree with one post I read when the writer said that alot of people come here for validation, and when it turns out to be anything less than validation they immediatly put up a defense (which is human nature) and because they''re so busy defending themselves they don''t really consider the things people are saying and the advice trying to be given. This irrates me. If you don''t want true advice and critizism, then don''t post your issue here for the eyes of the public. (I''m not saying YOU are doing this, I''m just making a generalazation.)


Any whooo... You know what confuses me most? When someone complains about wanting to be engaged so BADLY, and then the whole reason they''re not engaged yet boils down to.....any guesses? The ring! This honestly makes me feel ill. Was I excited about my ring? Yes. I''m I still excited to see the ring? Yes. Would I get engaged to him if he couldn''t afford the ring and had nothing but his heart to give me? HELL YES. In fact, I made a strong agrument in the beginning about getting a ring, I wanted him to use one I already had, or use the promise ring he bought me, or use nothing, I just want to be in his life forever, and his heart, and I want to give him mine in return. I want everyone to know how much I love him and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to reassure him that there will never, ever, not in a million years be another person that I could ever love more. That''s what being engaged means to me. Notice, there wasn''t anything about the ring in there. He''s the one who insisted we get an e-ring (of course i''m excited, i won''t lie) but I realize what excites me about the ring being in his posseion is what he intends to do with it. The promise he intends to give me when he offers me the ring. That is what it''s all about! I even said I don''t need a wedding, lets just go to the court house, and have a simple party afterwords for all of our friends and family, that way we can save money and put it towards improveing our home. He said he wants a wedding, it''s important, and he wants me to experiance that. None of this is obligatory in my answer to wed him.

It litterly brings tears to my eyes right now to think of how much I love my SO, and I can''t even imagine turning down an engagment (or delaying engagment) to him becasue he couldn''t afford a ring. But in this case it''s not just a ring, it''s a 1+ caret diamond ring.

It''s one thing to wait while he saves up a bit for a ring, but saving for a 1+ caret diamond ring, a wedding, a home, etc. well... that may be A LLLLOOONNNGGGG wait, and the diamond should be the last on that list. IMHO.

Honestly, you shouldn''t even begin thinking about such a purchase. In your situation the most important this is getting out of his parents house. What would you rather have:

A. A beautiful 1+ caret ring, and live at the future inlaws?
or....
B. A place of your own that you both can be proud of?


If I was a parent and my 27 yr old son was living at home with his g/f and he went out and bought her a 1+ ct. diamond ring.. that would be it, they''d both be out.

Your Priorties are too messed up here, I''m sorry. I had to say something.

If you want to be engaged so badly because you love him more than anything, and couldn''t bare to ever lose him, then forgo the ring, or get an inexpensive ring, there''s nothing wrong with that. After all it''s the promise that comes with the ring, not just the size or the sparkle. But, if you want to be engaged becasue you just want the jewerly, you better rethink what your doing with your SO.


I''m trying to give you honest advice, not be mean, I''m so sorry if it comes out that way to you.

Think about it.

I''m sorry, but I don''t think that much of this post was actually helpful to the OP. All of what you siad could have been summed up in the higlighted sentence above.

Everything other than your first paragraph that had absolutely nothing to do with the OP at all, and was actually just a generalization of your opinion on other topics that have been started.