Very long post, but please read

[purrfectpear]

Just as an aside, because I like to think in real dollars and cents rather than concepts like "only a $1 raise", I did a hypothetical.

Let's say his previous salary was $50K/year or $25.04 an hour.

Now he was offered a $1 an hour raise, or a new annual salary of $52,080. That "measly" little dollar an hour raise represents 4%. How many of you got a 4% raise this year? I know quite a few people who would think that was at least an adequate salary increase.

Note that if the starting salary was lower than $50K then the $1 per hour raise would represent a HIGHER percentage of increase.

Anyway, I think OP should have a talk with the guy (if she thinks he's engagement material) about his priorities, goals, and whether they have the same value system. I think he's made some questionable choices that could show a lack of maturity and good judgement.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/15/2008 12:04:18 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Just as an aside, because I like to think in real dollars and cents rather than concepts like ''only a $1 raise'', I did a hypothetical.

Let''s say his previous salary was $50K/year or $25.04 an hour.

Now he was offered a $1 an hour raise, or a new annual salary of $52,080. That ''measly'' little dollar an hour raise represents 4%. How many of you got a 4% raise this year? I know quite a few people who would think that was at least an adequate salary increase.

Note that if the starting salary was lower than $50K then the $1 per hour raise would represent a HIGHER percentage of increase.

Anyway, I think OP should have a talk with the guy (if she thinks he''s engagement material) about his priorities, goals, and whether they have the same value system. I think he''s made some questionable choices that could show a lack of maturity and good judgement.

I was thinking the same thing. When you think of it in terms of "just a dollar" it can seem insignificant. I got a stellar review last year with absolutely NOTHING negative to say, and got 38 cents! Woo hoo!

I would have about fainted if I got a dollar!

I think not having to pay many bills, or not knowing the true value of a dollar, made him view it as insignificant.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 8/15/2008 12:04:18 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Just as an aside, because I like to think in real dollars and cents rather than concepts like ''only a $1 raise'', I did a hypothetical.

Let''s say his previous salary was $50K/year or $25.04 an hour.

Now he was offered a $1 an hour raise, or a new annual salary of $52,080. That ''measly'' little dollar an hour raise represents 4%. How many of you got a 4% raise this year? I know quite a few people who would think that was at least an adequate salary increase.

Note that if the starting salary was lower than $50K then the $1 per hour raise would represent a HIGHER percentage of increase.

Anyway, I think OP should have a talk with the guy (if she thinks he''s engagement material) about his priorities, goals, and whether they have the same value system. I think he''s made some questionable choices that could show a lack of maturity and good judgement.

Sorry for the threadjack but I noticed that too, PP...I remember my parents would be ecstatic for a .25 raise when I was growing up! I realize that was awhile ago, but with the economy the way it is now and so many people losing their jobs, I would think a raise in the family business (less risk of layoffs, I assume) would be welcomed for the time being.

 

[diamondfan]

fiery, I never SAID they expect it. However at their ages with jobs, I think it is almost a MUST that they contribute in some way. Otherwise it is very freeloadery to me, and they keep on being kids in the parents eyes to some extent. I could NOT take on someone''s hospitality like that at 25 years old and just think it is a free ride on all levels. But then again, I would not live with my boyfriend''s parents in most situations, truly, I would only do that as an extreme last resort. One hour away is where her parents live, that is not really an insurmountable distance, but even assuming she did not want to be one hour from him, I think there are better options.

 

[meresal]

Purrfect I agree with your post 150%. The leaving a secure job (family business), with a raise non the less, to sit at home and "look" for another one, was a HUGE red light for me from the beginning.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I have to agree with alot of the early posters. I''m not going to reiterate, just say a big ditto to the sage advice that has been given.

The reason I felt compelled to reply to this was not to say I agreed with others, I was a little struck by the comment in the OP that said "When his mom spoke of my ring - she''s like "you have outrageous expectations how do expect this to happen anytime soon" I did say some things like "the longer I wait the bigger it has to be.."(I was just mad sperting out hurtful things)"

The one thing that I have noticed, myself at least, is that people can say something *hurtful* when they''re angry about something, and write it off as such. However, from my experience, it''s usually really how you feel. I don''t think that being together x-amount of time warrants a larger ring, or any sacrifices that have been made should count either. Isn''t a relationship about time, growing together, and making sacrifices for the other person? The reality is, no one in a relationship owes the other person any more than the love and respect that they have for each other. Relationships aren''t about keeping count.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Whoa, came back to PS this morning and a ton of people posted. I would like to say thank you to everyone for their insight,whether I agree with it or not, as it is a different point of view from my own.

It is so hard to sum up things in just a little post, so I see how people can react to things. SO''s parents will not accept any rent from me, they want us to save it for a house. So FMIL and I have set up a seperate savings account where I can only deposit funds, and I put away half of my paycheck every two weeks - this will be my contribution to either the wedding or house. I also put away money every cheque through profit sharing plan for things that come up in the future. SO will not accept any money from me, or his parents to pay off his debt. We have offered but he wont take it. He also wont let me put money into the ring fund - which we have set up. (Thats why I created my own account, so when he has paid off the debt - which should take 6-8 months - we will be totally ready)

I do not care only for the ring, trust me. I would not have invested 7 years (and the rest of my life - hopefully) to a man I didnt love unconditionally. I have sacrificed a lot over the years for my realtionship and I feel living there is also sacrificing. However, I can not move out,so that is not the solution. It would cause a large rift and resentment in all of the relationships. We are not going to be there for much longer, we have all discussed it as a family that it will not be longer than a year. The housing market is extremely high here, but it is slowly creeping down. We will start looking in January.

I am not trying to defend myself, I just want you to know a little more about me. I am not a money grubbing, selfish, or immature person. I have worked very hard to be where I am today. I was not given a free ride from my parents and I never expected to be given one from the FF''s parents.

I buy groceries for meals, and often make dinner for the entire family. I help to clean the house, and pitch in running errands when I can. I am not a freeloader, but I can see that it may appear that way. His parents just really want to help us get our feet on the ground. My FF has bills from school - his parents let him live and eat for free but that is it. I have only lived there for 10 months, it has not been our entire relationship. It kinda just happened because the distance between SO and I was really tiring me out. I had a car accident from being so exhausted (driving back and forth and having a full time job) He was going to school in a condensed program and did not have the time or means to travel to my town and back all the time. It was for safety and convenience. Once he finished school they said we could continue staying until we bought a house - we don''t want to be there but to suck it up for a year to really get ahead makes sense to us. If we start renting it will take us five times longer to buy.

I am independant, and this situation is not a situation I would normally be in, it is just circumstantial. My SO wants to buy a place very badly and make a life with me. I am the one who wants the engagement if we are buying a place - it doesnt seem right to buy a house and not be engaged after such a long time together. If I am officially committing to a mortgage, I need him to officially commit to marriage (he says he wants to be with me forever and I know it is true but I need it to be official). I know the ring is a bit extreme, but where I live that is the norm ( I know I dont have to be the norm and it seems selfish, but we couldnt get engaged without a ring and thats that) I would marry him tomorrow, I cant wait to say in front of god, and our friends and family that we have committed to eachother. We do have dreams of a big wedding though and I am willing to have a long engagement in order to save for that - I know we are forever so waiting a bit longer for the wedding in the grand scheme of things is nothing. I really really want to get engaged though, and I feel as though I have been waiting a long time for it.

I don''t know if I was able to portray myself correctly here, and I am sure some of you will read ''between'' the lines to try and prove to me that I am a selfish, immature brat - but I am not. I have dreams as I am sure you all do to, this is not my dream but it is a stepping stone to my dream. I am not a patient person and my guy is a snail, hopefully the story is true and ''slow and steady wins the race'', I love him and I couldn''t ever be without him.

 

[Booper717]

I''m sorry if I offended anyone. Wasn''t trying to. I guess that''s why I normally stay out of threads like this. Seems like no matter what gets said it''s wrong somehow, even when someone blantely asks for words of "reality". That was my reality check. I was just giving my opinion on the situation, meaning what thoughts came to mind when I read her post. Yes it was my opinion on the diffrent topics and such on the thread.. I thought that was what posting a response was about, but apparently somewhere I got confused. My bad, I apologize.

I dunno, I always thought it aided me, when I where to ask for advice, to know where and why the person felt they way they did about the advice they where giving, that''s all I was trying to do... give some insight to why I feel that way, instead of just saying "Your priorties are all wrong." The end.

CBS- I''m a little confused to what you where saying, idk if you meant that towards my post alone or everyones, but I wasn''t trying to attack her. If I where attacking someone I surely wouldnt explain why I felt the way I did.

I guess you can''t please everyone!

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I think it''s great that you came back to clarify things a little more. This is one of the times where not enough background is given, and then we find out what''s going on.

I think that you need to do what makes you happy and sane. If you are able to live with his parents and make it work until you two can do it on your own, so be it.

I just think that the original post by you was very much of a vent, so it didn''t give you a chance to fully explain your situation. However, if you go back and re-read it, you can see why you received some of the feedback you did.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Boober717 - I wasnt offended. I wasn''t offended by anything anyone said even if it wasn''t that nice...

I just don''t feel like I expressed who I was and that was apparent when reading the posts. I love that everyone has a different opinion, and expresses it. I don''t think anyone needs to justify themselves either - I asked for it - whether good or bad.

The only thing I say is that I can''t move out, I know it seems like the simple solution but its not. Of course words of encouragement are nice, but I know not everyone can understand or sympathize for my situtation. The saying ''you make your bed so lye in it" kinda makes sense here. Who am I to complain when I am being given so much... It''s just hard on me and sometimes it really hurts me even if I am so lucky to live rent free.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/15/2008 1:43:44 PM
Author: dreaming of the day
Whoa, came back to PS this morning and a ton of people posted. I would like to say thank you to everyone for their insight,whether I agree with it or not, as it is a different point of view from my own.

It is so hard to sum up things in just a little post, so I see how people can react to things. SO's parents will not accept any rent from me, they want us to save it for a house. So FMIL and I have set up a seperate savings account where I can only deposit funds, and I put away half of my paycheck every two weeks - this will be my contribution to either the wedding or house. I also put away money every cheque through profit sharing plan for things that come up in the future. SO will not accept any money from me, or his parents to pay off his debt. We have offered but he wont take it. He also wont let me put money into the ring fund - which we have set up. (Thats why I created my own account, so when he has paid off the debt - which should take 6-8 months - we will be totally ready)

I do not care only for the ring, trust me. I would not have invested 7 years (and the rest of my life - hopefully) to a man I didnt love unconditionally. I have sacrificed a lot over the years for my realtionship and I feel living there is also sacrificing. However, I can not move out,so that is not the solution. It would cause a large rift and resentment in all of the relationships. We are not going to be there for much longer, we have all discussed it as a family that it will not be longer than a year. The housing market is extremely high here, but it is slowly creeping down. We will start looking in January.

I am not trying to defend myself, I just want you to know a little more about me. I am not a money grubbing, selfish, or immature person. I have worked very hard to be where I am today. I was not given a free ride from my parents and I never expected to be given one from the FF's parents.

I buy groceries for meals, and often make dinner for the entire family. I help to clean the house, and pitch in running errands when I can. I am not a freeloader, but I can see that it may appear that way. His parents just really want to help us get our feet on the ground. My FF has bills from school - his parents let him live and eat for free but that is it. I have only lived there for 10 months, it has not been our entire relationship. It kinda just happened because the distance between SO and I was really tiring me out. I had a car accident from being so exhausted (driving back and forth and having a full time job) He was going to school in a condensed program and did not have the time or means to travel to my town and back all the time. It was for safety and convenience. Once he finished school they said we could continue staying until we bought a house - we don't want to be there but to suck it up for a year to really get ahead makes sense to us. If we start renting it will take us five times longer to buy.

I am independant, and this situation is not a situation I would normally be in, it is just circumstantial. My SO wants to buy a place very badly and make a life with me. I am the one who wants the engagement if we are buying a place - it doesnt seem right to buy a house and not be engaged after such a long time together. If I am officially committing to a mortgage, I need him to officially commit to marriage (he says he wants to be with me forever and I know it is true but I need it to be official). I know the ring is a bit extreme, but where I live that is the norm ( I know I dont have to be the norm and it seems selfish, but we couldnt get engaged without a ring and thats that) I would marry him tomorrow, I cant wait to say in front of god, and our friends and family that we have committed to eachother. We do have dreams of a big wedding though and I am willing to have a long engagement in order to save for that - I know we are forever so waiting a bit longer for the wedding in the grand scheme of things is nothing. I really really want to get engaged though, and I feel as though I have been waiting a long time for it.

I don't know if I was able to portray myself correctly here, and I am sure some of you will read 'between' the lines to try and prove to me that I am a selfish, immature brat - but I am not. I have dreams as I am sure you all do to, this is not my dream but it is a stepping stone to my dream. I am not a patient person and my guy is a snail, hopefully the story is true and 'slow and steady wins the race', I love him and I couldn't ever be without him.

OK..First, i think that it is really brave that you took all these responses and handled it in a mature manner....i am not reading between the lines... i am also not calling you selfish or a brat. you are a 25 year old woman who knows what she wants. i am going to stick with what i originally said though... i think that the situation sucks.. i think that a 1+ct ring is a bit much when you are living with FF parental units..although i do get the argument that paying rent would set you back, i just know that for me- i would not be able to stand it.. i crave alone time wtih my fiance..i also cannot stand depending on other people. If this is your only option as you say it is... than i wish you well... I do hope that you have listened to what the poeple on here have offered though because for the most part it was very right on advice and it might open your eyes to other possibilities...like you say that all you want is that commitment from him.. then get engaged without the ring...

don't lose who you are... please don't get wrapped up in the sacrifices that you have made...in the end you are making these sacrifices for the good of your relationship. at some point everyone makes sacrifices... and really, just concentrate on the goal of getting engaged (with or without the ring) and getting the hell out of that house..

GOOD LUCK

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/15/2008 12:25:35 PM
Author: diamondfan
fiery, I never SAID they expect it. However at their ages with jobs, I think it is almost a MUST that they contribute in some way. Otherwise it is very freeloadery to me, and they keep on being kids in the parents eyes to some extent. I could NOT take on someone''s hospitality like that at 25 years old and just think it is a free ride on all levels. But then again, I would not live with my boyfriend''s parents in most situations, truly, I would only do that as an extreme last resort. One hour away is where her parents live, that is not really an insurmountable distance, but even assuming she did not want to be one hour from him, I think there are better options.

DF-My post was more about what VG wrote and not yours, sorry for the confusion

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/15/2008 1:47:09 PM
Author: Booper717
I''m sorry if I offended anyone. Wasn''t trying to. I guess that''s why I normally stay out of threads like this. Seems like no matter what gets said it''s wrong somehow, even when someone blantely asks for words of ''reality''. That was my reality check. I was just giving my opinion on the situation, meaning what thoughts came to mind when I read her post. Yes it was my opinion on the diffrent topics and such on the thread.. I thought that was what posting a response was about, but apparently somewhere I got confused. My bad, I apologize.

I dunno, I always thought it aided me, when I where to ask for advice, to know where and why the person felt they way they did about the advice they where giving, that''s all I was trying to do... give some insight to why I feel that way, instead of just saying ''Your priorties are all wrong.'' The end.

CBS- I''m a little confused to what you where saying, idk if you meant that towards my post alone or everyones, but I wasn''t trying to attack her. If I where attacking someone I surely wouldnt explain why I felt the way I did.

I guess you can''t please everyone!

No, i was talking about in general. i agree with you that if the Poster asks for advice, than they need to sit back and get ready to listen to anything that gets thrown at them.. but when the poster does not ask for advice.. but is just ranting.. that does not deserve rude responses.. you know. you have not been mean or out of line at all... i am just floored by some responses i have seen lately~

i think that your response to this OP was really right on actually. no worries!!! sorry if i was misunderstood

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/15/2008 1:43:44 PM
Author: dreaming of the day

I buy groceries for meals, and often make dinner for the entire family. I help to clean the house, and pitch in running errands when I can. I am not a freeloader, but I can see that it may appear that way. His parents just really want to help us get our feet on the ground.

I really don''t think there is anything wrong with that at all. My FI''s parents did it for us and my mom would do it for us if there was ever an opportunity to do so.

I could understand if you were a total beyotch to them then yes you''re being ungrateful. But it sounds like you are part of the fam and there''s nothing wrong with them helping you out.

I don''t think you are a freeloader

 

[Booper717]

I have to second what CBS said, the way you handeled responses truely shows that you wanted other people''s honest opions, I''m so glad! I guess personaly, I just get a little touchy when I see a situation where it may just be about the ring, I''ve seen it happen to much IRL and it worries me. I just think things where portrayed diffrently, like you said it''s hard to explain every detail and reasoning in a post.

I do still feel that a slightly less expensive ring might be the way to go if your set on getting engaged asap!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I''m so glad you came back and checked in, thank you!

You keep reiterating that you can''t move out, why is that the case? You aren''t happy living with his parents because you would prefer to be independent, yet you make that sacrifiice? Why? Do you feel that his goal (buying a house) is more imortant than yours (being independent)?

 

[Booper717]

Thanks for clearing that up CBS. I too have been surprised at alot of responses lately, and not just on this thread. I think that people are getting attacked quite often. I tried my hardest to convey my opinions in a firm but nonthreatening way. The reason I said what I did in that first paragraph is because so often even if someone just wants to rant and does not want opinions or advice people attack them, and then they get upset and defend themselves, this resulting in more harm than good... so I just feel that if I wanna rant, unless I''m prepared for war I wonl''t bother posting. Which, if you think about it is kinda sad... that''s what this forum is suspose to be for

Luckily the OP wasn''t like that and was prepared for our opinions!

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/15/2008 11:58:07 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 8/15/2008 11:17:14 AM
Author: Booper717
I apologize in advance, I havn''t read all the posts, but quite a few. I usually keep my opinions out of threads that begin to get controversial, but I''m feeling brave today!

I''m going to be nice when saying this, but I don''t think it''s nesscary to attack anyone, because when it comes down to it you can talk until you''re blue in the face but a person is still going to do/act/say/believe what they want to. I agree with one post I read when the writer said that alot of people come here for validation, and when it turns out to be anything less than validation they immediatly put up a defense (which is human nature) and because they''re so busy defending themselves they don''t really consider the things people are saying and the advice trying to be given. This irrates me. If you don''t want true advice and critizism, then don''t post your issue here for the eyes of the public. (I''m not saying YOU are doing this, I''m just making a generalazation.)


Any whooo... You know what confuses me most? When someone complains about wanting to be engaged so BADLY, and then the whole reason they''re not engaged yet boils down to.....any guesses? The ring! This honestly makes me feel ill. Was I excited about my ring? Yes. I''m I still excited to see the ring? Yes. Would I get engaged to him if he couldn''t afford the ring and had nothing but his heart to give me? HELL YES. In fact, I made a strong agrument in the beginning about getting a ring, I wanted him to use one I already had, or use the promise ring he bought me, or use nothing, I just want to be in his life forever, and his heart, and I want to give him mine in return. I want everyone to know how much I love him and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to reassure him that there will never, ever, not in a million years be another person that I could ever love more. That''s what being engaged means to me. Notice, there wasn''t anything about the ring in there. He''s the one who insisted we get an e-ring (of course i''m excited, i won''t lie) but I realize what excites me about the ring being in his posseion is what he intends to do with it. The promise he intends to give me when he offers me the ring. That is what it''s all about! I even said I don''t need a wedding, lets just go to the court house, and have a simple party afterwords for all of our friends and family, that way we can save money and put it towards improveing our home. He said he wants a wedding, it''s important, and he wants me to experiance that. None of this is obligatory in my answer to wed him.

It litterly brings tears to my eyes right now to think of how much I love my SO, and I can''t even imagine turning down an engagment (or delaying engagment) to him becasue he couldn''t afford a ring. But in this case it''s not just a ring, it''s a 1+ caret diamond ring.

It''s one thing to wait while he saves up a bit for a ring, but saving for a 1+ caret diamond ring, a wedding, a home, etc. well... that may be A LLLLOOONNNGGGG wait, and the diamond should be the last on that list. IMHO.

Honestly, you shouldn''t even begin thinking about such a purchase. In your situation the most important this is getting out of his parents house. What would you rather have:

A. A beautiful 1+ caret ring, and live at the future inlaws?
or....
B. A place of your own that you both can be proud of?


If I was a parent and my 27 yr old son was living at home with his g/f and he went out and bought her a 1+ ct. diamond ring.. that would be it, they''d both be out.

Your Priorties are too messed up here, I''m sorry. I had to say something.

If you want to be engaged so badly because you love him more than anything, and couldn''t bare to ever lose him, then forgo the ring, or get an inexpensive ring, there''s nothing wrong with that. After all it''s the promise that comes with the ring, not just the size or the sparkle. But, if you want to be engaged becasue you just want the jewerly, you better rethink what your doing with your SO.


I''m trying to give you honest advice, not be mean, I''m so sorry if it comes out that way to you.

Think about it.

I''m sorry, but I don''t think that much of this post was actually helpful to the OP. All of what you siad could have been summed up in the higlighted sentence above.

Everything other than your first paragraph that had absolutely nothing to do with the OP at all, and was actually just a generalization of your opinion on other topics that have been started.

The critiques of other''s posts has got to stop. If you don''t want to address the OP, or add something to what someone has said, or agree/disagree on a point or issue, then there is no reason to post. We have all (I include myself in this, thank you) got to stop being rude with each other. And yes, I know I just did what I said you shouldn''t do; I''m wagging my finger at you. But I''m also wagging it at myself, ''cause I''ve been guilty of the same thing. So let''s all agree to NOT do it, okay?

 

[dreaming of the day]

I agree with the everyone about the ring size - and I thank you all for the reality check! Unfortunately, even if I tell my SO I have changed my mind - no matter what I say - he won''t get me anything less than my dream ring. He will think I am just saying it to make it easier on him and he won''t budge. So yes, I will have to have patience for a while longer. I should have never opened my big mouth about my dream ring, but when we were talking it was a while ago when things seemed easier to attain. Oh well, what is meant to be is meant to be, and maybe I am suppossed to wait to learn the priceless virtue of patience (it is really something I need to learn, as you can tell from the holiday booking I need everything now) I thought I had been so patient in waiting for so long for an engagement - but I must not have waited long enough yet because I still havent really learnt my lesson.
I am glad everyone pointed out that expectations are a little out of whack right now, cause no one I know thinks so. I guess I know though, because I wouldn''t have asked if I wasn''t thinking it myself.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/15/2008 2:15:58 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 8/15/2008 11:58:07 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 8/15/2008 11:17:14 AM
Author: Booper717
I apologize in advance, I havn''t read all the posts, but quite a few. I usually keep my opinions out of threads that begin to get controversial, but I''m feeling brave today!

I''m going to be nice when saying this, but I don''t think it''s nesscary to attack anyone, because when it comes down to it you can talk until you''re blue in the face but a person is still going to do/act/say/believe what they want to. I agree with one post I read when the writer said that alot of people come here for validation, and when it turns out to be anything less than validation they immediatly put up a defense (which is human nature) and because they''re so busy defending themselves they don''t really consider the things people are saying and the advice trying to be given. This irrates me. If you don''t want true advice and critizism, then don''t post your issue here for the eyes of the public. (I''m not saying YOU are doing this, I''m just making a generalazation.)


Any whooo... You know what confuses me most? When someone complains about wanting to be engaged so BADLY, and then the whole reason they''re not engaged yet boils down to.....any guesses? The ring! This honestly makes me feel ill. Was I excited about my ring? Yes. I''m I still excited to see the ring? Yes. Would I get engaged to him if he couldn''t afford the ring and had nothing but his heart to give me? HELL YES. In fact, I made a strong agrument in the beginning about getting a ring, I wanted him to use one I already had, or use the promise ring he bought me, or use nothing, I just want to be in his life forever, and his heart, and I want to give him mine in return. I want everyone to know how much I love him and that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to reassure him that there will never, ever, not in a million years be another person that I could ever love more. That''s what being engaged means to me. Notice, there wasn''t anything about the ring in there. He''s the one who insisted we get an e-ring (of course i''m excited, i won''t lie) but I realize what excites me about the ring being in his posseion is what he intends to do with it. The promise he intends to give me when he offers me the ring. That is what it''s all about! I even said I don''t need a wedding, lets just go to the court house, and have a simple party afterwords for all of our friends and family, that way we can save money and put it towards improveing our home. He said he wants a wedding, it''s important, and he wants me to experiance that. None of this is obligatory in my answer to wed him.

It litterly brings tears to my eyes right now to think of how much I love my SO, and I can''t even imagine turning down an engagment (or delaying engagment) to him becasue he couldn''t afford a ring. But in this case it''s not just a ring, it''s a 1+ caret diamond ring.

It''s one thing to wait while he saves up a bit for a ring, but saving for a 1+ caret diamond ring, a wedding, a home, etc. well... that may be A LLLLOOONNNGGGG wait, and the diamond should be the last on that list. IMHO.

Honestly, you shouldn''t even begin thinking about such a purchase. In your situation the most important this is getting out of his parents house. What would you rather have:

A. A beautiful 1+ caret ring, and live at the future inlaws?
or....
B. A place of your own that you both can be proud of?


If I was a parent and my 27 yr old son was living at home with his g/f and he went out and bought her a 1+ ct. diamond ring.. that would be it, they''d both be out.

Your Priorties are too messed up here, I''m sorry. I had to say something.

If you want to be engaged so badly because you love him more than anything, and couldn''t bare to ever lose him, then forgo the ring, or get an inexpensive ring, there''s nothing wrong with that. After all it''s the promise that comes with the ring, not just the size or the sparkle. But, if you want to be engaged becasue you just want the jewerly, you better rethink what your doing with your SO.


I''m trying to give you honest advice, not be mean, I''m so sorry if it comes out that way to you.

Think about it.

I''m sorry, but I don''t think that much of this post was actually helpful to the OP. All of what you siad could have been summed up in the higlighted sentence above.

Everything other than your first paragraph that had absolutely nothing to do with the OP at all, and was actually just a generalization of your opinion on other topics that have been started.

The critiques of other''s posts has got to stop. If you don''t want to address the OP, or add something to what someone has said, or agree/disagree on a point or issue, then there is no reason to post. We have all (I include myself in this, thank you) got to stop being rude with each other. And yes, I know I just did what I said you shouldn''t do; I''m wagging my finger at you. But I''m also wagging it at myself, ''cause I''ve been guilty of the same thing. So let''s all agree to NOT do it, okay?

Holly,
If it is me you are talking about.. i am not critiquing other posts, i am simply making an observation that people are getting really hard on one another. I also know from previous experience, that i will never bring a personal matter to the message boards again- simply because i felt like people we waiting to pounce and even trying to make me feel bad. I see this all the time. In regards to this particular post, the OP WANTED opinions and got them..

i am not trying to argue with you-- you really went to bat for me and i really aprreciate it.. so i will stop now!!!

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/15/2008 2:28:25 PM
Author: cbs102
Holly,
If it is me you are talking about.. i am not critiquing other posts, i am simply making an observation that people are getting really hard on one another. I also know from previous experience, that i will never bring a personal matter to the message boards again- simply because i felt like people we waiting to pounce and even trying to make me feel bad. I see this all the time. In regards to this particular post, the OP WANTED opinions and got them..

i am not trying to argue with you-- you really went to bat for me and i really aprreciate it.. so i will stop now!!!

she was talking to me... it''s over.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/15/2008 2:32:54 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 8/15/2008 2:28:25 PM
Author: cbs102
Holly,
If it is me you are talking about.. i am not critiquing other posts, i am simply making an observation that people are getting really hard on one another. I also know from previous experience, that i will never bring a personal matter to the message boards again- simply because i felt like people we waiting to pounce and even trying to make me feel bad. I see this all the time. In regards to this particular post, the OP WANTED opinions and got them..

i am not trying to argue with you-- you really went to bat for me and i really aprreciate it.. so i will stop now!!!

she was talking to me... it''s over.

umm.. ok.

 

[Anna0499]

I''m really not trying to attack you, and if your OP had just been a vent and not a request for opinions I would probably try to be more...supportive...but the main thing that bothers me about the whole situation is that your life seems to be dictated solely by what your SO wants. It is completely one-sided and selfish of him, IMHO, to expect you to be always "sacrificing" while he "refuses" to do this or that. You called living with his family a "sacrifice" while I''m sure the family "sacrifices" for you both to live there as well. You have given several reasons why you and your SO don''t want to move out, one of them being that you want to be engaged before you get a house. You also said that your SO wants to give you your "dream ring" for your engagement. These are valid, but it is pretty clear that you won''t be getting a house or a ring/engagement anytime soon if you continue on this course, so I would just agree with your notion of learning patience. If his debt isn''t going anywhere for awhile, buying a house/engagement ring is probably the last thing he should do right now. To be honest, if my possible FDIL said the comment you did about the ring size (or asked for any particular ring size while living off of my dime) I would probably have the same feelings as your SO''s mother.

My SO lives about an hour away and we both make the effort to make it work...an hour is not that far (shorter than some people''s commutes), but if you feel it is and would rather live with your SO''s parents, I guess just be prepared for their input on most decisions you make.

 

[diamondfan]

DDOTD, I appreciate your coming back to clarify though on one hand you do not owe us that, though it certainly makes it easier to get a clear picture and give input. We can only go by what is posted so more info is usually better!

Also, what 99 of us here think works or not is just our own world view, even if we are right, this is your life to live. Whether or not I would live with my in laws or not is ultimately not relevant, but if you put something out there, it will be likely to get a variety of responses. Everyone''s view can have so much at the core of it. If someone loves their in laws and for the most part it works, whether I would do it or not is not the point but I like to just weigh in anyway! Frankly, even in one''s own family peace does not prevail all of the time...and I only wanted to say even if it mostly works, there will be issues no matter how close all of you are...deal with them maturely and move on. And one way to end that more easily is not to be in the middle of his folks, but til you do it, just know you might hear more from his mom than you would like, take it with a grain of salt unless it is mean spirited.

I think though his leaving the family business is a mixed bag. I seriously, as his folks, might have agreed to the raise if it helped him get back on his feet sooner...just my view though.

And I am glad to hear that you do contribute, just handing money over is not the only way to do so, and it helps you feel better if you know that you are somehow contributing to being there.

 

[iheartscience]

Thanks for coming back and clarifying, dreaming! I really wasn''t trying to be mean in my post and I''m glad you weren''t offended by it or others. I understand your side of the story better, but I do agree with IndyGirl''s post-I think that you are sacrificing a lot while your fiance gets his way every time. It just seems one sided.

But as long as you''re happy with your situation, that''s all that matters. I hope you do get your dream ring and I also hope you can get out of there as soon as possible!

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/15/2008 2:08:30 PM
Author: Booper717
I do still feel that a slightly less expensive ring might be the way to go if your set on getting engaged asap!

I could say: suck it up, get a smaller ring (like a .3 or .5 or something, that's how most girls start out, isn't it?) and move out to your own place.
But I've got a feeling your boy isn't going to want to move out, is he?

looks like you've just got to wear it until the magic day arrives when you are out in your own home... hmmm
and if your man is holding out for 'the' ring, well, lucky girl!!

I don't really know why 'everyone' out in the big bad world is so down on women wanting nice jewellery anyway. I'm sure I'd get as much pleasure from a gorgeous ring as my man does from his runabout boat! somehow he doesn't see it that way...

 

[Bia]

Date: 8/18/2008 10:45:07 AM
Author: LaraOnline

Date: 8/15/2008 2:08:30 PM
Author: Booper717
I do still feel that a slightly less expensive ring might be the way to go if your set on getting engaged asap!

I could say: suck it up, get a smaller ring (like a .3 or .5 or something, that's how most girls start out, isn't it?) and move out to your own place.
But I've got a feeling your boy isn't going to want to move out, is he?

looks like you've just got to wear it until the magic day arrives when you are out in your own home... hmmm
and if your man is holding out for 'the' ring, well, lucky girl!!

I don't really know why 'everyone' out in the big bad world is so down on women wanting nice jewellery anyway. I'm sure I'd get as much pleasure from a gorgeous ring as my man does from his runabout boat! somehow he doesn't see it that way...

Agreed. If the engagement is what is important to you right now, you may have to make sacrifices. Let your BF know that a smaller stone (or a different type of ring) is okay with you. OR have a formal engagement without an engagement ring-- when you are both more financially secure, buy your dream ring. It sounds as though having your own home to live in is the first priority...as it should be. But believe me, many of us don't want to have to wait for a ring (waiting stinks in general), but under the circumstances, what else can you do?

Also, If this living situation makes sense to you, BF and the family, THEN DO IT! DOD, you don't have to justify your reasoning. Family dynamics are all different. If this works for all of you, then don't worry about being a mooch. Every situation is unique. However, I would encourage you to NOT have too many expectations, not until you and BF are out on your own and can afford to.

Good luck!