Wanting but Waiting...

[asymons412]

I'm so glad I found this thread!

The short story is that I am very committed to my career, and am working on my PhD for another four years. Afterwards, my fiance and I plan to move back to the east coast.

He is not even *thinking* about kids! We joke around about waiting 10+ years, but lately, I mentally whittle it down to 6...

I don't get it. I want to be a full-time tenured professor, I want to do research for the rest of my life, I want to spend all of my time at conferences and fulfilling requests from prestigious journals, and yet when I begin to think about kids, I want to spit out my BC pill and start.

I mean, not completely. FH is not ready to be a Dad and to be honest, we're so young, and we just don't need any more in our lives to be happy at this point. But a while ago we were talking (lightly) about kids; he's a so-and-so-the-third, and so I joked that we need a little boy to be the fourth, another named Malcolm David (my Dad's name was Malcolm and he passed in 2004; David is my step father's name, and he means quite a bit to me), and a little girl to-be-determined and then it just clicked!

It doesn't help that several of the girls I went to high school with are pregnant/recently had children/are having children in the next 2 years!

Gosh, it feels good to rant and get that off of my chest. Anyway, thanks for this thread.

[edit] The other thing that makes no sense-- pregnancy terrifies me. Absolutely, positively. Way too many gross things happening to your body in too short a time period! Go figure?

 

[mayerling]

I don't get it. I want to be a full-time tenured professor, I want to do research for the rest of my life, I want to spend all of my time at conferences and fulfilling requests from prestigious journals, and yet when I begin to think about kids, I want to spit out my BC pill and start.

I know what you mean

 

[Haven]

Meg--I hope things are going well for you and you can get a diagnosis and start treating everything soon. (And as for Container--I tried to come up with a nickname but they all sound dirty. Yikes! No future Containers here, I hope!)

Asymons--I'm not a PhD, but I know how you feel. I'm a TT English prof at a CC, and I feel that same tug between career and family. It's a delicate balance, for sure.

I just wanted to pop in and say that something changed for me this last week. I think it had a lot to do with our recent trip to Switzerland and what I shared earlier in the thread, but suddenly I'm not balking at the idea of having a baby, and little daydreams about a future family are crowding in on my current daydreams about publishing my YA novel and future traveling. It's very strange, almost like a switch was turned and now I'm looking forward to being a mama. I always looked forward to it, but in the past having a family seemed more like a thing that would happen in the *very* distant future, and now I can envision it happening within a couple of years. Frightening to type that out.

I'm still not at that place where I want to start trying just yet, but I'm not at that place where the idea of trying is consistently exciting to me, and no longer inspires fear or dread at times. It used to be a mixed bag of emotions, but now they're all just positive. I also spent a long time lurking on the preggo, TTC, and newborn threads the other night just getting a feel of what those worlds are like. Very strange changes!

 

[amc80]

It's very strange, almost like a switch was turned and now I'm looking forward to being a mama.

It's definitely a switch. I've talked about this with some of my friends and we all agree...it's a switch that is suddenly on. Not gradual (at least for us/me)...and once it's on, it never turns off. If anything it turns even more on. Maybe it's more like a knob turny-switch thing?

Took my first prenatal vitamin yesterday. Weird.

 

[Haven]

amc--That's definitely been true for me, that it's a switch that was suddenly turned on and here I am ready to TTC. Seriously, it is very bizarre.

DH isn't quite ready yet. I think I took him by surprise with me "Okay! Now I'm ready!" turn. We've been talking about it and decided that I should start charting now so when we are ready we'll know when the optimal times are to try. I bought TCOYF and we read the book this weekend. This is all a bit overwhelming, I'll admit, even though we aren't exactly trying yet. Just feeling ready to try feels . . . strange. This is going to sound silly, but we always have a lot of fun day dreaming about next summer's vacation when we get back from this summer's vacation, and we've been talking about going to Spain since we got back from Switzerland. When I told DH I was ready to TTC, he was all "What about Spain?! We need to go to Spain! This is terrible timing." We'll probably start TTC within a year, though. EEH, that's soon!

 

[mayerling]

Just a few more days until TTC!!!!!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Haven, I just want to tell you that I'm really excited for you. You and I are very alike with the planning (whether it be financial, pre-TTC or travel planning), so I completely understand how it feels strange to start "prepping" to TTC. I think I targeted my O date for nearly a year before we pulled the goalie.

Just want to tell you to enjoy this time, it's a really exciting time in your lives and don't worry too much about the travel--like you, we took several pre-baby trips (our goal was 1 international and 1 domestic trip per year). We agreed that our last pre-baby trip could happen during my second trimester and while D ended up going on his own because of Byron, we weren't going to let me being pregnant keeps us from travelling And we've already started planning a couple of post-baby trips that we can do with the kiddo. Anyway, my point is that you can get pregnant and still squeeze in that trip to Spain!

I enjoy reading this thread as I was on the fence for a very long time!

 

[Octavia]

amc--That's definitely been true for me, that it's a switch that was suddenly turned on and here I am ready to TTC. Seriously, it is very bizarre.

I actually think this was what made me realize I'm "wanting less and waiting longer" than I originally thought. For me, it felt more like a dimmer switch that was gradually being turned up, and then someone cut the power. So I definitely had to take a step back and admit that the time isn't right yet. Of course, nature was simultaneously playing some huge prank on me with a long, wonky cycle. DH was convinced I was pregnant (despite the negative tests) and was SO excited. It was cute, but I know he hasn't thought about the practicalities of having a child at all -- he is fairly impulsive and emotional, while I'm the planner. I also know it's a reality of biology and our respective professions that having a child will affect my life more than his, not necessarily from an emotional standpoint but in most other aspects. Add in that he's a couple years older than me, and I'm not surprised he's feeling ready than I am, but I'm a bit surprised at how far I have regressed. It's weird.

 

[Haven]

Haven, I just want to tell you that I'm really excited for you. You and I are very alike with the planning (whether it be financial, pre-TTC or travel planning), so I completely understand how it feels strange to start "prepping" to TTC. I think I targeted my O date for nearly a year before we pulled the goalie.

Just want to tell you to enjoy this time, it's a really exciting time in your lives and don't worry too much about the travel--like you, we took several pre-baby trips (our goal was 1 international and 1 domestic trip per year). We agreed that our last pre-baby trip could happen during my second trimester and while D ended up going on his own because of Byron, we weren't going to let me being pregnant keeps us from travelling And we've already started planning a couple of post-baby trips that we can do with the kiddo. Anyway, my point is that you can get pregnant and still squeeze in that trip to Spain!

I enjoy reading this thread as I was on the fence for a very long time!

Thank you, NEL! I agree that we are very much alike in with planning, and it's nice to hear that you understand my bizarre mixed feelings at this moment.

I will definitely take your advice to heart and cherish this time that we have. My good friend keeps telling me that as soon as we have our first child we'll say "We can't believe we waited so long!" but until we get there, it will seem scary and overwhelming. Yup--we have the scary and overwhelming thing going on right now!

I know travel seems like such a low priority when we're talking about having a family, but for us traveling means reconnecting and discovering new things about ourselves as individuals, and as a couple, so we really do value those trips. I'm glad to hear we're not the only ones!

I think about Byron often. I see his sweet face in my mom's lab/newfie mix.

I lurk in the preggo and TTC threads, and I'm so excited for you!!!!

 

[Haven]

amc--That's definitely been true for me, that it's a switch that was suddenly turned on and here I am ready to TTC. Seriously, it is very bizarre.

I actually think this was what made me realize I'm "wanting less and waiting longer" than I originally thought. For me, it felt more like a dimmer switch that was gradually being turned up, and then someone cut the power. So I definitely had to take a step back and admit that the time isn't right yet. Of course, nature was simultaneously playing some huge prank on me with a long, wonky cycle. DH was convinced I was pregnant (despite the negative tests) and was SO excited. It was cute, but I know he hasn't thought about the practicalities of having a child at all -- he is fairly impulsive and emotional, while I'm the planner. I also know it's a reality of biology and our respective professions that having a child will affect my life more than his, not necessarily from an emotional standpoint but in most other aspects. Add in that he's a couple years older than me, and I'm not surprised he's feeling ready than I am, but I'm a bit surprised at how far I have regressed. It's weird.

I think this makes a lot of sense, too. I felt a bit of a baby urge shortly after DH and I were married three years ago, and at first I thought "Wow! I must be ready." But then I experienced the dimmer switch you're talking about, and I realized that I wasn't really ready, I was more excited about our future together and the prospect of starting a family. Then the urge really drained and left me until just now. Even so, this morning I was daydreaming about finishing and publishing my novel, and then I thought "Wait! I can't have a baby! That baby is going to get in the way of my writing, damnit." So, there's still a battle of desires going on here, apparently.

 

[Echidna]

Even so, this morning I was daydreaming about finishing and publishing my novel, and then I thought "Wait! I can't have a baby! That baby is going to get in the way of my writing, damnit." So, there's still a battle of desires going on here, apparently.

Do you think this battle ever ends, Haven? Does the urge to have babies ever overtake the urge to publish/get promoted/travel/renovate/get another qualification (or all of these in my case)? I've got about two years until we TTC so I'm waiting willingly and wanting in an abstract sense...

 

[Haven]

Even so, this morning I was daydreaming about finishing and publishing my novel, and then I thought "Wait! I can't have a baby! That baby is going to get in the way of my writing, damnit." So, there's still a battle of desires going on here, apparently.

Do you think this battle ever ends, Haven? Does the urge to have babies ever overtake the urge to publish/get promoted/travel/renovate/get another qualification (or all of these in my case)? I've got about two years until we TTC so I'm waiting willingly and wanting in an abstract sense...

I have no idea, but I'm going to guess that the answer is no. I imagine that once I have a child I am going to wonder why I waited, but I also have a lot of dreams and interests and passions, and I think they will always be there, as well. I made a new friend this summer who is really an inspiration to me. She has four children, the last two are twin boys, and she still manages to pursue her passions while raising really wonderful kids. She competes in marathons and even made it to Kona two years ago, and she's an amazing teacher, and she reads more books than I could ever dream of reading in a year. And the best part? Her kids are wonderful and they're a really close family. I hope to be just like her when I grow up and have children.

Some people make it look so easy, and others make it look so difficult.

 

[mayerling]

OK, ladies, this is it! I had my last BCP on Friday and I'm now on CD3 of my first cycle after BC, so I'm officially moving to the TTC thread. Wish me luck!

 

[tammy77]

GL! Hope to join you over there soon.

 

[pancake]

Even so, this morning I was daydreaming about finishing and publishing my novel, and then I thought "Wait! I can't have a baby! That baby is going to get in the way of my writing, damnit." So, there's still a battle of desires going on here, apparently.

Do you think this battle ever ends, Haven? Does the urge to have babies ever overtake the urge to publish/get promoted/travel/renovate/get another qualification (or all of these in my case)? I've got about two years until we TTC so I'm waiting willingly and wanting in an abstract sense...

I'm not Haven, but I would differ a bit and say that I think it does... but not always whilst TTC. I worried a lot about all of this, as I am halfway through my advanced training pathway in my medical career (so if I ploughed straight through I would have 2-3 years left... after 7 years of post-graduate training to date!) and planning now involves a doctorate, an overseas fellowship, etc etc. I wanted to TTC but it never seemed like the "right time". In the end we thought - for a number of pretty good reasons - we would have a fair amount of difficulty getting pregnant and so we bit the bullet and I stopped BC with the vague hope of getting pregnant sometime in the next 12 months after that (in order to not leave it too late if we needed assistance) and then we went and got pregnant 3 weeks later Now that I'm on the other side of the TTC hurdle, I cannot believe I worried so much about career/other priorities and timing. Those issues are still there and I still think about them, but they pale (a lot) in comparison with the excitement around my little jiggly one. My career trajectory is definitely going to be in suspended animation for a while but I don't regret it for a second.

Does that makes sense?

 

[tammy77]

Update worthy progress for me, I think! DH and I have been talking more and more about TTC lately. Yesterday we decided that we're ready to have me stop BCP. I'm going in on Oct 12th for a pre-conception appt but also getting fitted for a diaphragm. Why don't people use them more anyhow? They're SO much better than condoms imo for barrier method! Anyhow, we're not quite ready to TTC yet, but we both agree that it's time to find out if my body will still cooperate enough to make a baby. The loose plan is for me to stay on BCP for a while (could be two days, could be a month) while we get used to the new method, then I get to throw the pills away and start charting. So it looks like I'll be in full blown charting mode by November. WOOHOO!

So timeline looks like - Oct appt, Nov start charting, then a few months of that to see where we stand. With a little luck, we'll start TTC around March. My 35th (eeeek) birthday is 3/17, so maybe we can make my present this year. I just did the math and came to Dec due date, hmmmmmm...Birthday AND Christmas present! That saves money, right?

 

[PrincessBling]

Well finally. I kept reading aNd reading and reading, thinking all these women are waiting to have A baby and silly me is considering having baby number 5. Yah...I know. Crazy right? But the thing is me and DH have three amazing girls and an adorable little boy. I grew up in a family with three girls and a boy ( he was the youngest, just like my son) and he (my brother) is so spoilled. I just dont want my son to be the same way. I had 4 kids in 7 years with 3 misscarages...so I am finally enjoying my "me" time...is that bad?

 

[blacksand]

Tammy, what an exciting update! I'm so glad you and your DH have come to an agreement and you'll be TTC before you know it!

PrincessBling, wow! Baby number 5! I can't tell from your post if you really want a 5th child or if you just don't want your son to be spoiled. If you are enjoying some "me" time now, enjoy it! Nothing wrong with that at all! I love big families and I always dreamed of having one myself. FI and I are debating whether to have two or three children. I'd love to have more but I know three is already pushing it with him! He wants two, and that's it. That's his view of a traditional family. He has one sister. I have one brother. His sister has one boy and is planning on exactly one more. He wants the exact same thing. That's what a "normal" family looks like in his mind. Not me. I loved growing up with my brother, but I always felt like something was missing. I always wanted loads of siblings running around. Total chaos and lots of laughter. My parents both came from large families, and I have tons of cousins. I LOVE our family get-togethers. So many aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins' children, second cousins, second cousins' children... it's awesome and I hope someday I'll be able to have of my grandchildren and great-grandchildren come over and revel in that chaos, too. I love it! But we'll see how far I get with FI. I'm hoping he'll agree to three. But right now we're still waiting to start trying for number one! And of course we have to consider our finances, space constraints, etc. in making such an important decision. We're just not ready yet, but we'll get there.

I got to babysit FSIL's little one last weekend while she did some work around the house. It was the first time she has let anyone other than her husband or her mother care for him, and I was so honored that she trusted me to do that (believe me, she is a control freak...it means a lot that she let me do anything for her!). Oh my goodness did my heart melt for that little one. I love him so much! I couldn't believe that he stopped crying when I held him and sang to him. It was amazing to me that he took comfort in my arms and in my voice. I got to feed him, burp him, change his little diaper, put him in his pajamas and rock him to sleep. So incredible. FI couldn't believe I was so excited about changing his diaper, but I was! It was an honor. Apparenly FSIL never lets anyone else change his diaper. Even her husband has only changed him 3 or 4 times. It was so wonderful caring for that little one.

 

[megumic]

That's great, Tammy! Sounds like you've got a solid plan. Before you know it you'll be out of the WBW thread and off to the TTC thread!

PrincessBling, I want five kids too! I don't have any yet, but often wonder if five is realistic. Do you think you'll go for #5? Do you and your partner/husband both work? Even if not, how do you do it all?!?!

What is everyone else up to around here? Any updates?

AFM, we had an oopsie about 10 days ago. I'm not sure if I'm preggo or not and I'm not sure how I'd feel about it either way since my recent thyroid issues came up and I was advised to not get preggo. I'm waiting another day or so to test. No surefire signs yet. We'll see...

 

[amc80]

What is everyone else up to around here? Any updates?

AFM, we had an oopsie about 10 days ago. I'm not sure if I'm preggo or not and I'm not sure how I'd feel about it either way since my recent thyroid issues came up and I was advised to not get preggo. I'm waiting another day or so to test. No surefire signs yet. We'll see...

Well, either baby dust or AF dust, depending on what you want

I'm waiting to O. After this cycle I only have one more wasted egg before we start TTC in November. Counting down the day!

 

[tammy77]

I'm sure I'm going to be that I ever said this once I'm officially TTC, but right now I'm kind of hoping it takes us a couple of months of actively trying before getting KU. Is that crazy? I guess I just feel like I (God willing) only get to experience this stage of TTC one time with DH and I don't mind if it takes a few months. I'm sure once I hit month three though I'll start freaking out.

 

[megumic]

I'm sure I'm going to be that I ever said this once I'm officially TTC, but right now I'm kind of hoping it takes us a couple of months of actively trying before getting KU. Is that crazy? I guess I just feel like I (God willing) only get to experience this stage of TTC one time with DH and I don't mind if it takes a few months. I'm sure once I hit month three though I'll start freaking out.

DITTO big time. I feel the same way. I want to enjoy TTC. That said, I also have never experienced the disappointment and letdown of a BFN. I'll let you know tomorrow which way it goes...

 

[tammy77]

Good luck tomorrow, if you're ready for one!!!

DH and I were talking last night about babies, me being pregnant, etc. right before bed. I'm SO ready to get this darn show on the road!!!! I want it to take a few months, but I also don't want to wait anymore. I think that's a good thing though and I'm sure we're still in the WbW camp for a few more months regardless of how ready I am. We have to get our financial situation in a bit better place (well, in a place period, we need a house!) and I know DH wants a bit more time at his job before there's no turning back re: our family size. The biggest hurdle right now is actually childcare because I'll have to go back to work after the baby is born. I soooo wish I could take the first year off or part time, but there's just no way in the world my job would consider it.

I also signed up again for a forum that I was part of when I was pregnant w/my daughters and it was really neat to see a lot of old faces. One of the mommies that was pregnant when I was in 2002 just had her third this week. So yeah, getting restless! haha

 

[ChinaCat]

Just wanted to chime in here though I'm not WBW.

Haven- I am a writer (and also a FT attorney) and I have a 2 year old. Obviously it differs for everyone, but I actually write more now than I did when I had tons of free time. It is a struggle to find that free time, but when I get it, I make it worth it. Having a kid and finding time to write is hard, but doable. Having a FT job and a kid and finding time to write is near impossible, but somehow I make it happen. My passions have only intensified since having a kid. After my son was born, I had this feeling that I had to pursue my dreams, because how could I teach him to do it if I wasn't doing it myself? Your priorities change and you change, but you're still you at the core.

As for wanting time to enjoy TTC- heck yes! It's the best part!

 

[tammy77]

Hrm well I talked to DH about a more official timeline and he said he'd like to start trying in "early summer" which turns out means April at the earliest. Why does 7 months to even START trying seem so darn long? I'm trying not to be disappointed, but I can't help it. I worry that not even starting to try until after I turn 35 (in March) is taking a risk. I don't see why we have to get *everything* figured out before we even try. It's not like the baby comes the second you get a BFP!

Sorry for the rant, just a little deflated.

 

[amc80]

Hrm well I talked to DH about a more official timeline and he said he'd like to start trying in "early summer" which turns out means April at the earliest. Why does 7 months to even START trying seem so darn long? I'm trying not to be disappointed, but I can't help it. I worry that not even starting to try until after I turn 35 (in March) is taking a risk. I don't see why we have to get *everything* figured out before we even try. It's not like the baby comes the second you get a BFP!

Sorry for the rant, just a little deflated.

Ah, welcome to my world. We decided we would start in November back in February. So I have been waiting 7 months and still have 2 to go. I have to remind myself what you said- once you get pregnant it's not like a baby falls out of the sky, you still get 9 months to prepare.

 

[tammy77]

AMC I had a longish vent typed out, but I deleted it to spare you guys the drama, and myself the embarrassment.

Be thankful that you have a VERY logical, positive reason to wait.

 

[amc80]

AMC I had a longish vent typed out, but I deleted it to spare you guys the drama, and myself the embarrassment.

Be thankful that you have a VERY logical, positive reason to wait.

The way I see it is that if you wait until the "perfect" time to get pregnant, you'll never do it. There will always, always be something. Money, time, job, family, etc.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Tammy, sorry you're in pre-baby limbo. It's frustrating enough when one person is ready before another, but I'm sure it's extra frustrating when you're in your mid-30's and ready to get the show on the road.

I was definitely ready before my DH, which was frustrating at times. Even when we agreed to stop preventing (because that was easier for him to digest than trying), he kept an "emergency condom" in case he freaked out. You'd think this would annoy me, but I actually thought it was funny. Anyway, when I did get pregnant he was really excited and is now frustrated that we have another 5 months before the baby actually arrives. So typical of a guy, right? Wanting to wait until they are 100% ready, then having no patience when it takes another 9 months for the baby to arrive.

Hopefully with some gentle persuasion he moves the timeline up by a few months. I kept reminding D that we likely weren't going to get pregnant the moment we stopped using protection--I know he wasn't 100% comfortable when we pulled the goalie (hence the emergency condom), but after a couple of cycles of BFNs, he was growing impatient himself.

 

[tammy77]

Thanks, NEL. At this point, I might be off base and over reacting, but I think the reality of a baby isn't quite as exciting as the pillow talk fantasy of a baby. There are just a few too many red flags (procrastinating on important steps to make it happen, primarily) that are now causing pretty serious arguments and leaving me with very hurt feelings. I think the best course of action is to just take a big step back and re-evaluate in a few months. It's probably for the best, and I do have two girls from a previous marriage so it's not like it would prevent me from being a mom. It'd just prevent us from having a child together, which would be really sad for me but realistically if it turns out that he really isn't up for it than I have to respect that. He hasn't verbally wavered, and says he definitely wants to try, it just seems like his actions say otherwise, you know?