Wanting but Waiting...

[charbie]

Happy Tuesday everyone

Here's a question - wondering if anyone else feels this way.

I can totally picture myself pregnant (and kind of really want to experience it), and with a newborn, but I can't really picture the rest (toddler/etc).

Am I normal?

Annnd....discuss.

That's funny! I can picture myself with a newborn or toddler, but not with an 8 year old!

Haha so I guess I'm normal, but we are all different If you can't picture yourself with an 8 year old - do you still think you want kids? Will that come as time passes?I mean, the feeling that you will one day have an 8 year old and that is okay?

Umm, im pregnant and still can't really picture myself with an actual baby yet. Is that a problem???? Haha. Im hoping once I see the baby on the big screen it will be more real. I just can't imagine what lifes gonna be like with a kid....but im excited for it!

Either way, DH said he doesn't plan on doing much with the kid until s/he can talk. So apparently he can picture us with a toddler. (He is kidding by the way. He just has no experience with infants/babies so I think he gets freaked out like many men. Im very confident in his abilities and he's super excited)

 

[Blenheim]

Um, I have a toddler and have problems imaging myself with a grade-schooler. My guess is that I will grow into it.

Above, someone was asking about parents who were wanting but waiting, and why. This described us until recently. We had moved cross-country and wanted to get both of us settled, in jobs, and in those jobs long enough where we could take a reasonable amount of leave for pregnancy complications or the birth. We were also trying to save up more money.

As far as baby-related savings, which was also asked about, we don't have a designated "baby fund". Our main goal has been to make sure that we are in a stable financial situation with some extra wiggle room even with added daycare costs, and that we can still meet long-term savings goals. To that end, we set a goal of no debt outside of our mortgage by the birth (currently have car loan that is on track to be paid off in the first quarter of 2011), 6+ months expenses in liquid savings so that we have a decent cushion in the event of some emergency, and ability to cover start up costs as needed (including medical). Our start up costs should be fairly minimal as we already have much of the essential gear, but there are some things that we would need to buy: double stroller, infant car seat as ours was in an accident and we replaced it with a convertible instead of another infant one. We also wanted to make sure that we had enough room left over in our monthly budget for daycare for both kids plus decent 529 contributions (plus fully funding retirement and sink funds), which is one reason why we want to kill that car loan - it frees up some cash flow each month.

Hopefully this helps somewhat!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I know. I actually just had 4 days off and I was board. I was kind of ready to go back to work...but than of course since it was the first day after a holiday it was crazy and I am burnt out.

My concern is not that I won't know what is right when the time comes. My concern is my husband's negative reaction when I discuss wanting to keep these options open. I know he wanted to marry a women with her own career, but I did not expect this sort of negative reaction. It is almost like me working less is not "pulling my weight." He asks why I didn't say much about it before I got married, but I feel like I did, but only to a point because you really don't talk about that stuff when you are dating. I think he still has this unrealistic idea that kids raise themselves. I have been slowly showing him that is not true, but I know how important the early years are for development and want to be a part of that.

I have started paving that road with my husband. When I met him he literally did nothing during the week (because he said he was too tired) and just played during the weekend and I told him that would be fine if I was staying at home, but if we both work, we will both work around the house. His mother was a SAHM so I am sure he is used to the women doing all the work for the men, but I told him it is not fair to expect me to do both. We just had a major argument because he had still not unpacked his house after a year. He has really turned around the last few months. He keeps his place clean, he is unpacking and setting up. He also cleans up after I cook. Overall he is pulling his weight, but we don't have much time to enjoy each other.

I have a really close friend who was in a similar pickle. She was a graduate student married to a prof, and it was really important to him that she keep her career, and in fact excel at it. I don't think it had to do with money, but was more of a philosophical issue about reaching your potential. He was also attracted to her in part because of her active intellectual life. And then at the same time he wanted them to have 3 kids They negotiated a lot in those early years trying to find a compromise that worked for them. In the end, she stayed in academe but took a job at a smaller college with less of a work load, they live near her work and he commutes 2 days a week to his job, they have a full time nanny. And three kids But you cannot negotiate all of it at once, there were too many unknowns. They made their decisions over the course of five years. First that she would finish her PhD after baby 1. Then that they would have baby 2 on her post-doc. Then the right job. Then the place to live. Then the nanny. Then the third child. And on and on. Throughout, he ideas about what she wanted changed a lot, and his did too.

You will know the right thing to do when you have all the information. Right now you don't, neither of you do. When you experience becoming parents, both of you will change, either automatically or because one forces the other to change And then you will know in your gut what is the right thing to do. And you will negotiate.

But you can't go buying troubles, ya know? I always say plan a very rough outline of your future, as in knowing you want kid(s) and want to live together as a family. Perhaps there are some other must haves in there, but really, beyond those most fundamental things, I think everything else is negotiable or changable. All the other issues -- where to live, what type of job to have, how much to work, what lifestyle to have -- are, in my opinion,, works in progress that you will figure out as life throws new loops your way. And having kids will be a big friggin' loop, a happy crazy loop. Trying to plan past that milestone beyond very broad strokes is really an excercise in futility. Just think, you could spend months arguing about some issue *now* that becomes utterly moot once the kid comes, and something new could come up that you never expected. Its a wild ride and you just have to trust yourself to know what is right in the moment, and trust your relationship that no matter what you will find a solution.

PS: I suspect that when you try to talk about this with your husband he is jumping to extremes, thinking you want to be molly homemaker and that freaks him out. Its too abstract and he is just getting anxious thinking about it. You just got married too, and their is an adjustment no matter how close you were before, where the reality of forever makes every little thing so much more meaningful and freakout worthy. Put it on the back burner and deal with it if/when. In more concrete terms it will likely make more sense to him and to you.

 

[Dreamer_D]

As far as baby-related savings, which was also asked about, we don't have a designated "baby fund". Our main goal has been to make sure that we are in a stable financial situation with some extra wiggle room even with added daycare costs, and that we can still meet long-term savings goals. To that end, we set a goal of no debt outside of our mortgage by the birth (currently have car loan that is on track to be paid off in the first quarter of 2011), 6+ months expenses in liquid savings so that we have a decent cushion in the event of some emergency, and ability to cover start up costs as needed (including medical). Our start up costs should be fairly minimal as we already have much of the essential gear, but there are some things that we would need to buy: double stroller, infant car seat as ours was in an accident and we replaced it with a convertible instead of another infant one. We also wanted to make sure that we had enough room left over in our monthly budget for daycare for both kids plus decent 529 contributions (plus fully funding retirement and sink funds), which is one reason why we want to kill that car loan - it frees up some cash flow each month.

Wow Blen, if we needed all that in line we would not have had one, let alone be pregnant again!

For me, I made a very detailed spreadsheet with a budget and basically from that figured out how we could make it work. A kid costs about $1000 for daycare where we live, clothing etc seems to run about $250 per month, and an extra $300 per month in groceries now that he eats food (we used to spend $600 per month just for comparison). Obviously these vary by location. So I needed to make sure we could afford *those* costs no matter what in addition to the other absolute essentials of housing/food/clothing for us. It was clear from my budgeting that we could afford those costs, and if things were tight it would be our flexible expenses or extra debt payments (lump payments) that would suffer not essentials. So that was enough assurance for us. As for savings etc, every family has a different comfort level in that respect and you need to figure it out for yourself. But for us, I knew there was enough wiggle room in our monthly budget to carry the extra costs of having a kid so we went for it. Two kids in daycare looms in another 18 months from now when our baby is born and my second maternity leave ends, so before getting pregnant, I made a spreadsheet of our hypothetical budget at that time as well and determined that we could make it work by shifting things around.

To be honest, the money was an afterthought for us and not the deciding factor. If we could not afford two kids with out fixed expenses, we would have downsized our lifestyle until we could. We have an age we wanted to be to have our kids, and we wanted a particular age gap between them, so those things were the biggest deciding factors for us. Around those desires we just sort of made it work.

The one concession we made was to try to plan both my pregnancies so the babies would be born at times that worked for my career -- in the first case I wanted to be able to attend the academic job market which is active from October to January (so no newbors), and I wanted our child to be old enough that I could return to work in September if needed; in this second case, we wanted out child to be born during the summer academic term. We were fortunate that it worked out in both cases for us. If we had trouble conceiving, we would not have cared about those issues either.

 

[trillionaire]

This thread is a fascinating read, though I had no idea what I was clicking when I clicked, if that makes sense!

My parents and in-laws would make such great grandparents, I really wish I was "wanting," if only for their sakes. I think babies are adorable and compelling, I love the baby smell, I'm naturally good with babies and children, love looking at photos of my friends kids, etc, but I think I was born with a broken clock.

It's so beautiful to hear the plans of young families, and their excitement about starting a family. I imagine that it must be very thrilling to plan such a thing with ones partner, and I can only begin to imagine trying to figure out the finances, childcare, etc. And the excitement of friends and family, etc. It's lovely to read about. Thanks to everyone for sharing.

 

[Deelight]

quote]


Just lurking on this thread but I thought I would just post in regards to this - HOT[/b} I have done some research on the PPL and FBT and all that as I am expecting at the moment - the thing with PPL it will only go on your wage not you and your partners wage combined- so depending on how much you earn you may still be eligible - it is currently $570 a week for 18wks before tax in addition to any leave entitlements you get through your work however dependent on when the baby the baby is born during the financial year you may be better off tax wise going the baby bonus instead of PPL as the baby bonus is tax free - Centrelink has calculators that you can estimate based on incomes and possible due dates what you would be better off receiving - you also do not receive family tax benefit while receiving PPL not that you get much

Hope that helps some - and I hope all the planets align for you chickie good luck

*Does a little happy dance around the room*

Hello Deelight!

Yes I was researching a little myself yesterday and must have read over the eligibility 100 times! "individual tax assessment". I am so happy to have you confirm it for me though! With our combined income we earn over the limit for the FTB, baby bonus, childcare benefit.. well everything and i had seen examples of the PPL where they were taking both incomes into account so i thought that we weren't going to be eligible for that either! But i am so glad someone had some sense to make the PPL dependant on the individual income! Woo hoo!!

Knowing that there would 18 weeks with a little bit of extra income coming in does help a lot, and with the 6 weeks paid from work, thats almost 6 months paid leave!!

I hope your baby is baking away beautifully! I stalk the preggo thread a lot and love to see how you are going! (Crazy alert! ) lol

Thanks for popping in and clarifying that for me!

Awww thanks sweetie - she is and when your ready I can't wait to see you in that thread so I can follow your journey as well

I have to say the PPL finally feels like a win for the working middle class - we live in a country that thankfully generally looks after the people but sometimes it sucks earning to much to be able to take advantage of the benefits on offer - especially with the high taxes.

- You can also with the PPL apply 3 months beforehand and have it in addition to leave entitlements or after you use what your allowed at work.

Good luck hun

P.S I can't help but follow the progress of my fellow Aussie PS'ers as well

 

[that_someone_special]

I am part of this crowd!

I would like to wait until we move from our condo to a house. We really don't have a yard- or much of a yard and we have to share it We do have 3 bedrooms, but only one bath, and not much of a basement. Combine all of that with our outrageous condo fees (maintaining a building from 1910), we could easily have a house twice as expensive as our condo and still pay the same Or, buy a smiliarly priced house as the condo and have a bunch more in extra funds. Personally, I want the last option and DH wants the bigger house. I keep telling him that a bigger house means more to clean, and more yard to work on

Anyway, I just don't want to raise a child in a condo setting, much less a VERY hipster, urban setting (and gun shots that can be heard a few blocks away ). I can't imagine having to walk my child to a park a few blocks away to be able to get ANY fresh air... not being able to just play outside or whatever really bothers me.

I would like to be moved by 2012 and a baby by '13-'14

But I still want one. Now. But I have to wait.. ugh. My other concern is that I won't be able to conceive because I'm 27 right now and won't have kids until 30/31 ... my entire plan says "Move. Have kids. Be happy" but I don't have a plan for "Move. Can't have kids.. getting older.. alone.."

 

[NovemberBride]

I am not wanting but waiting but my DH is! We have one DD who is 13 months old. DH would like to have another one right now. I am not quite ready for various reasons. I would like our kids to be closer to 3 years apart because I would like DD to be able to understand what is happening and I would love to have only 1 in diapers. I also feel like DD is still very much a baby and I like the idea of her having babyhood to herself. I realize that if I were to get pregnant today, she wouldn't be a baby when the new baby came, but I am still not ready. Part of it is that both DH and I work full time with no plans or desire to cut back. I only get about an hour with DD in the morning and 1.5-2 hours at night with her during the week and I like that I can give her my full attention. That's not going to change, so I'll have to reconcile my feelings on that with my desire to have another baby.

 

[Blenheim]

Okay Dreamer, point taken. You know how I've previously said that I am a planner and need to make sure that I have all contingencies covered? I think that a lot of personal finance boils down to what helps you to sleep well at night, and I just have a pretty conservative take on what I'm comfortable with. This is probably overkill for a lot of people. I think that the main thing is just knowing that you can cover daycare costs, extra food, shoes, diapers, etc, and still have a little extra wiggle room (extra income and/or emergency fund) in case the car breaks down or something.

We'll be okay with my comfort zone with two kids but with three kids, I think something would have to give. And we want three kids. Gah.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I have a really close friend who was in a similar pickle. She was a graduate student married to a prof, and it was really important to him that she keep her career, and in fact excel at it. I don't think it had to do with money, but was more of a philosophical issue about reaching your potential. He was also attracted to her in part because of her active intellectual life. And then at the same time he wanted them to have 3 kids They negotiated a lot in those early years trying to find a compromise that worked for them. In the end, she stayed in academe but took a job at a smaller college with less of a work load, they live near her work and he commutes 2 days a week to his job, they have a full time nanny. And three kids But you cannot negotiate all of it at once, there were too many unknowns. They made their decisions over the course of five years. First that she would finish her PhD after baby 1. Then that they would have baby 2 on her post-doc. Then the right job. Then the place to live. Then the nanny. Then the third child. And on and on. Throughout, he ideas about what she wanted changed a lot, and his did too.

You will know the right thing to do when you have all the information. Right now you don't, neither of you do. When you experience becoming parents, both of you will change, either automatically or because one forces the other to change And then you will know in your gut what is the right thing to do. And you will negotiate.

But you can't go buying troubles, ya know? I always say plan a very rough outline of your future, as in knowing you want kid(s) and want to live together as a family. Perhaps there are some other must haves in there, but really, beyond those most fundamental things, I think everything else is negotiable or changable. All the other issues -- where to live, what type of job to have, how much to work, what lifestyle to have -- are, in my opinion,, works in progress that you will figure out as life throws new loops your way. And having kids will be a big friggin' loop, a happy crazy loop. Trying to plan past that milestone beyond very broad strokes is really an excercise in futility. Just think, you could spend months arguing about some issue *now* that becomes utterly moot once the kid comes, and something new could come up that you never expected. Its a wild ride and you just have to trust yourself to know what is right in the moment, and trust your relationship that no matter what you will find a solution.

PS: I suspect that when you try to talk about this with your husband he is jumping to extremes, thinking you want to be molly homemaker and that freaks him out. Its too abstract and he is just getting anxious thinking about it. You just got married too, and their is an adjustment no matter how close you were before, where the reality of forever makes every little thing so much more meaningful and freakout worthy. Put it on the back burner and deal with it if/when. In more concrete terms it will likely make more sense to him and to you.

It sounds like we are in a very similar situation as your friend execpt we want 2 kids .

I guess I am a big planner, I guess it helps me feel like I have control over the future which of course I have no control over. I think my husband is jumping to extremes thinking I want to be "molly homemaker." The thing is, that is not me. I am kind of a hybrid girl. I like doing the home stuff to a point, but also love having something else to do. I used to work in a daycare, and at that time I had gotten into medical school but was not sure I wanted to go because I was concerned about the work life balance. There were lots of well adjusted kids with dual working parents, but many of those parents worked their schedule so that the child was not there from opening to close. The few kids who were there from 7am - 6pm really had lots of issues with acting out. I think they were starved for attention. My mother (a clinical psychologist) wanted me to go into medicine and told me that she agreed that it is not beneficial to leave a 4 year old in a daycare setting 11 hours a day and told me about a nanny option or dropping to part time.

You are right, I am going to put it on the back burner for awhile. Since we live apart, we have been slow to take on married couple issues. We earn similar incomes, so we are keeping them separate and just paying our own bills. I also have not changed my name (yet). But this weekend he has started working on the process of selling my condo, and we are taking care of taxes together. So we are just starting to work as a team the finances. Hopefully this is the first step on making things more concrete for us. We have been kind of slow at doing this.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I am part of this crowd!

I would like to wait until we move from our condo to a house. We really don't have a yard- or much of a yard and we have to share it We do have 3 bedrooms, but only one bath, and not much of a basement. Combine all of that with our outrageous condo fees (maintaining a building from 1910), we could easily have a house twice as expensive as our condo and still pay the same Or, buy a smiliarly priced house as the condo and have a bunch more in extra funds. Personally, I want the last option and DH wants the bigger house. I keep telling him that a bigger house means more to clean, and more yard to work on

Anyway, I just don't want to raise a child in a condo setting, much less a VERY hipster, urban setting (and gun shots that can be heard a few blocks away ). I can't imagine having to walk my child to a park a few blocks away to be able to get ANY fresh air... not being able to just play outside or whatever really bothers me.

I would like to be moved by 2012 and a baby by '13-'14

But I still want one. Now. But I have to wait.. ugh. My other concern is that I won't be able to conceive because I'm 27 right now and won't have kids until 30/31 ... my entire plan says "Move. Have kids. Be happy" but I don't have a plan for "Move. Can't have kids.. getting older.. alone.."

Coming from a 31 year old, with lots of 30 something friends who just had babies I would not worry about the fertility issues too much. I know they say the 20's is the best time fertility, but the early 30's is still a good time, and if you do have issues, you have plenty of time to sort it out.

As for your husband, you have plenty of time to figure out the whole house thing. Maybe you can show him the book the Not So Big House http://www.notsobighouse.com/. This author has a lot to say about the larger homes that are being built.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Awww thanks sweetie - she is and when your ready I can't wait to see you in that thread so I can follow your journey as well

I have to say the PPL finally feels like a win for the working middle class - we live in a country that thankfully generally looks after the people but sometimes it sucks earning to much to be able to take advantage of the benefits on offer - especially with the high taxes.

- You can also with the PPL apply 3 months beforehand and have it in addition to leave entitlements or after you use what your allowed at work.

Good luck hun

P.S I can't help but follow the progress of my fellow Aussie PS'ers as well

I know exactly how you feel about the PPL being a win! It's really hard being in that middle ground.. earning too much to take advantage of the benefits but not enough that losing one income wouldn't be an issue. I think it is a great step forward for Australia!
For us, it could be the difference between deciding to try and not trying at all. i'm feeling less daunted about the idea of another baby knowing that it is there.

Enjoy the rest of your preggo time! and keep baking that little bebe!!

 

[katamari]

Thanks to NEL, Dreamer, Blen, and all of you who talked about your savings. We are basically in the same boat where one salary or nearly would go to childcare and provision. Neither of us have any interest, though, in staying home or giving up our careers. I just have all my eggs in the if-your-partner-is-fully-supportive-it-will-be-okay basket and will keep hoping it works out.

I can actually see myself with an older child/teen, but not a baby or toddler. I think it is because that is when I expect to most enjoy parenting (not that I actually know). We are all just weird in different ways, right?

DH just found out today that he didn't get a job he was really hoping to get. We relocated in September and he hasn't been able to find work yet in our new city. He was so upset, mainly, because it basically means we may have to postpone TTC (our current plan is summer). He kept saying "I just feel like I let our family down." It actually made me want to have a family with him even more to see how important it was for him.

 

[megumic]

Oh katamari, I'm sorry about your DH's job situation. It truly is difficult -- I think I can easily say that we all feel that we need to be in some sort of financially stable situation before trying for bambinos. It's such a tough feeling to wrestle with because on the one side we want to satisfy that inherent biological yearning to be pregnant, and on the other, our brains insist that we are secure. It just sucks. But I always remind myself that the sweet is not as sweet without the sour; it will be that much better when the time is ripe.

 

[NovemberBride]

Thanks to NEL, Dreamer, Blen, and all of you who talked about your savings. We are basically in the same boat where one salary or nearly would go to childcare and provision. Neither of us have any interest, though, in staying home or giving up our careers. I just have all my eggs in the if-your-partner-is-fully-supportive-it-will-be-okay basket and will keep hoping it works out.

I can actually see myself with an older child/teen, but not a baby or toddler. I think it is because that is when I expect to most enjoy parenting (not that I actually know). We are all just weird in different ways, right?

DH just found out today that he didn't get a job he was really hoping to get. We relocated in September and he hasn't been able to find work yet in our new city. He was so upset, mainly, because it basically means we may have to postpone TTC (our current plan is summer). He kept saying "I just feel like I let our family down." It actually made me want to have a family with him even more to see how important it was for him.

Katamari,

I think the bolded part is the most important thing to maintaining a successful career while raising children (actually the most important thing in general, but especially where the mother works out of the home). I am an attorney and DH works in finance. We both spent a lot of time and money getting our graduate degrees and worked hard to get to where we are today. We love our DD more than anything, but we also love our careers. Having a fully supportive partner who pulls his weight has been invaluable to me. There are times when I am at work until midnight or later or have to travel out of town. Although of course I miss seeing my daughter on those days, I can concentrate on working because I know her dad is taking great care of her. DH is as capable as I am of feeding, bathing and playing with DD. I do the same for him when the tables are turned. I have some friends in my field whose DHs don't really participate in child raising and wouldn't be able to get through a night without their wives there. That simply wouldn't work for us and frankly I have no idea how they do it.

 

[rosetta]

We have at least a 1.5 years apart, possibly more. I don't feel like we have a suitable "nest" yet for bringing up kids in.

In what way do you not have a "nest?" Because you don't live together or because you are not in a good place in life to have kids? How far apart are you.

I feel you pain.

Thanks for the sympathy LTF.

Our issues are geographical distance only.

My own personal issues are about not being able to afford the lifestyle I want if I go part time to have kids. I can take or leave kids ya know? But FI is very keen and feels he hasn't completed his life's potential if he doesn't become a father.

Though he would never pressure me, I still feel he would be so disappointed if we never had kids though we were fertile.

I'm pretty sure I'm thinking about all the negative points about rearing children because a part of me isn't ready to have them. I'm putting up obstacles where there aren't any. Because if we move in together, we have no barriers to ttc. The maternity pay and leave is generous here, I will be fully supported in returning to my work part time if I want, FI is excited about being a hands on dad and I have in laws who are keen to help with child care (it would be the first grandchild for both our parents, they are super keen!)

 

[MuffDog]

Can I just say that it has been baby central around me recently? My best friend had a baby, and in the past week 3 others have been born by friends and colleagues at my work.

I can't help but feel the itch.

Anyone have any Gold Bond?

 

[PrettyLights]

My husband and I are definitely wanting... but waiting. Our 'real' wedding is on July 30th, and I have to fit into my already purchased dress. (Only a few people know that we are already married - we did a tiny ceremony last month for several reasons). For fun, I've included a pic of the dress below. It was a wonderfully generous gift from one of my relatives, (and as wedding dresses can be... it was rather pricey). So, it is very important that my husband and I be careful for a while.

I'm 28 and he is 38, and we really feel that we are at the right place in our lives. And we both have a pretty bad case of baby fever. Besides for fitting in the dress, we just need to sell the condo & buy a house - which we are currently working on doing. I just had to get my IUD out, and we decided to stay off of HBC so we are ready to start trying this summer. Currently, we are thinking that we will start trying a month or two before the wedding. Chances are we won't fall pregnant the first try anyhow. And if we do, we'll be ecstatic and will just deal with any morning sickness. While I definitely enjoy my wine, I don't feel like I'll miss out if I can't drink on my wedding day. I just need to fit into my dress.

Every once in a while my husband makes comments like... "you will look really cute with a baby belly" and it makes me so excited and terribly impatient. Wow... sap alert! I am just so excited to start a family with my husband and best friend.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Rosetta - Sounds like you and your husband are not quite in line with each other. I really think you both need to be ready to have kids as it is pretty easy to make the decision to have them, but there is no going back once that is done.

PrettyLights - What a beautiful dress. I can tell you the year I was engaged, I was on the pill. I did not want anything coming between me and my dress!

OK, it has been a whole day and no one has put this up. So I am going to do it. I saw this on FB yesterday and was laughing so hard I was falling out of my chair. I read it to my husband, and he brushed it off. I guess he does have an idea of what he is in for.


The 11-step program for those considering parenthood:

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent

 

[rosetta]

Ha ha LTF.

it would be even more hilarious, if it wasn't ALL TRUE.




rosetta (definitely NOT ready to be a mother)

i had a heart to heart with my man, he's admitted he's not ready either, despite our advanced ages (phew. i didn't twist his arm, honest!)

i don't think i'm in the wanting but waiting camp.

i'm in the "i should be thinking about having kids now before i get too old, but i'm not ready yet and neither is my other half, but someone eventually better give us a kick up the backside before it gets too late, thank you muchly" camp.

 

[erica k]

I'm basically in a similar position as DD's friend. Money has always been tight, and I know many many people here and in real life would be aghast if they saw our bank accounts. Still, we're both in academia, and I'm going to spend my 30s on the tenure track hunt, which means waiting until I was 36-37 at the earliest. I've seen what happens to female profs in the humanities.

So, I somehow convinced DH that we should have our first child before I finished my PhD (the health insurance is fantastic). DS was born during my 6th year of the PhD (on track to finish this year, my 8th).

I want 3, DH wants 2 (or 1). I wanted to leave enough time for us to consider a 3rd, so I suggested going for a 2nd while still covered by my university's health plan. Insurance is a big issue for me (DH pays for his own minimalist plan), and who knows what my options will be in the post-doc adjuncting (worst case) world. So I tried to convince DH, but he refused. He said the dissertation comes first and doubted I could write and edit while pregnant and caring for a toddler.

At any rate, I am now sitting on the sidelines as all of my mommy friends become pregnant with their second babies. 2 have already dealt with miscarriages and what may be secondary infertility. I'm sad that DS will be at least 3 before he has a sibling. I get anxious because the longer we wait, the older he gets, the older I get, and then there's DH (3 yrs younger than me), who thinks we have all the time in the world.

I had DS at 29, hopefully Child 2 any time between 32-35, and Child 3 before I'm 40, godwilling. Not exactly what I had in mind, but I don't want to give up my career.

I hate to say it, but I'm starting to feel envious of the baby bumps. I've never experienced infertility or maternal loss, and I have a delightful 22 month old, so I know I should be more appreciative, but some days it's tough to maintain perspective because I get wrapped up in ME ME ME. I'm usually not an envious person, but this is tough. Wanting and waiting (reluctantly).

 

[erica k]

Just wanted to add that it's not just a spacing or maternal age thing for me. The longer I wait between babies, the more disruptive it will be for my research and writing (DS still sleeps with me and nurses 4-6 times, especially between 12-7 am). It's like a complicated math problem, and pretty much everything is up in the air. Will try to enjoy what I have and make peace with whatever happens. But an occasional pity party isn't such a terrible thing, is it?

 

[Dreamer_D]

Thanks to NEL, Dreamer, Blen, and all of you who talked about your savings. We are basically in the same boat where one salary or nearly would go to childcare and provision. Neither of us have any interest, though, in staying home or giving up our careers. I just have all my eggs in the if-your-partner-is-fully-supportive-it-will-be-okay basket and will keep hoping it works out.

I can actually see myself with an older child/teen, but not a baby or toddler. I think it is because that is when I expect to most enjoy parenting (not that I actually know). We are all just weird in different ways, right?

DH just found out today that he didn't get a job he was really hoping to get. We relocated in September and he hasn't been able to find work yet in our new city. He was so upset, mainly, because it basically means we may have to postpone TTC (our current plan is summer). He kept saying "I just feel like I let our family down." It actually made me want to have a family with him even more to see how important it was for him.

Katamari,

I think the bolded part is the most important thing to maintaining a successful career while raising children (actually the most important thing in general, but especially where the mother works out of the home). I am an attorney and DH works in finance. We both spent a lot of time and money getting our graduate degrees and worked hard to get to where we are today. We love our DD more than anything, but we also love our careers. Having a fully supportive partner who pulls his weight has been invaluable to me. There are times when I am at work until midnight or later or have to travel out of town. Although of course I miss seeing my daughter on those days, I can concentrate on working because I know her dad is taking great care of her. DH is as capable as I am of feeding, bathing and playing with DD. I do the same for him when the tables are turned. I have some friends in my field whose DHs don't really participate in child raising and wouldn't be able to get through a night without their wives there. That simply wouldn't work for us and frankly I have no idea how they do it.

Totally big fat ditto. I am a prof and travel fairly often for work, and work at night or weekends fairly often. My husband is utterly capable of caring for our son in my stead and that is a big boon for my career. He also is supportive of how important my career is for me. He also travels regularly and I pick up the slack at those times. So while it can seem a small thing, having that support in place is really so important for a woman who wants to continue to thrive in her career -- and marriage -- post-baby.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Ha ha LTF.

it would be even more hilarious, if it wasn't ALL TRUE.




rosetta (definitely NOT ready to be a mother)

i had a heart to heart with my man, he's admitted he's not ready either, despite our advanced ages (phew. i didn't twist his arm, honest!)

i don't think i'm in the wanting but waiting camp.

i'm in the "i should be thinking about having kids now before i get too old, but i'm not ready yet and neither is my other half, but someone eventually better give us a kick up the backside before it gets too late, thank you muchly" camp.

Don't let the stuff about getting old scare you too much if you are truely not ready. I know there are more complications, but do you know how many pediatricians I know who had kids in their late 30's/early 40's and have perfectly healthy kids???

Follow your heart and trust that if it is meant to be it will happen at the right time.

 

[rosetta]

Ha ha LTF.

it would be even more hilarious, if it wasn't ALL TRUE.




rosetta (definitely NOT ready to be a mother)

i had a heart to heart with my man, he's admitted he's not ready either, despite our advanced ages (phew. i didn't twist his arm, honest!)

i don't think i'm in the wanting but waiting camp.

i'm in the "i should be thinking about having kids now before i get too old, but i'm not ready yet and neither is my other half, but someone eventually better give us a kick up the backside before it gets too late, thank you muchly" camp.

Don't let the stuff about getting old scare you too much if you are truely not ready. I know there are more complications, but do you know how many pediatricians I know who had kids in their late 30's/early 40's and have perfectly healthy kids???

Follow your heart and trust that if it is meant to be it will happen at the right time.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

My FI seems more "ready" than I, but I'm sure that's because he is four years older and feels time is running out for him more quickly (although the clock ticking is not quite the same for men is it?)

I need to relax, i'm still only 30.

Though the lovely obstetricians will still call me an "elderly primigravida".

Charming.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I need to relax, i'm still only 30.

Though the lovely obstetricians will still call me an "elderly primigravida".

Charming.

Really? I have never herd that one before. Well than I am going to be called that too! Awesome.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I have to admit that my getting closer to 30 is what sort of put me into gear. When D and I were in our young twenties, we decided that we'd probably TTC when I was 28. Then when I was 28, I wasn't ready and still felt like I had time, so long as we started trying before I was 30. Now I'm turning 30 in a few months and life has sort of gotten in the way of our plans, so it probably won't happen before I'm 30. I miss my younger days when I didn't feel that biological clock--I could push something back a year or two without as much thought. Now everything is feeling crunched because I don't have as much flexibilty! Darn you, nature, I shake my fist at you!

 

[stephbolt]

I need to relax, i'm still only 30.

Though the lovely obstetricians will still call me an "elderly primigravida".

Charming.

Really? I have never herd that one before. Well than I am going to be called that too! Awesome.

My lovely grandchild-wanting mother reminds me all the time that if I wait until after I'm 30, I'll be "advanced maternal age."

Apparently the fact that she had two of her children at 30 and 33 is not significant in this discussion.

 

[NovemberBride]

I need to relax, i'm still only 30.

Though the lovely obstetricians will still call me an "elderly primigravida".

Charming.

Really? I have never herd that one before. Well than I am going to be called that too! Awesome.

My lovely grandchild-wanting mother reminds me all the time that if I wait until after I'm 30, I'll be "advanced maternal age."

Apparently the fact that she had two of her children at 30 and 33 is not significant in this discussion.

Steph,

Advanced maternal age actually is a term used to refer to women over 35, not 30, so tell your mom you've got a few years!

 

[stephbolt]

I need to relax, i'm still only 30.

Though the lovely obstetricians will still call me an "elderly primigravida".

Charming.

Really? I have never herd that one before. Well than I am going to be called that too! Awesome.

My lovely grandchild-wanting mother reminds me all the time that if I wait until after I'm 30, I'll be "advanced maternal age."

Apparently the fact that she had two of her children at 30 and 33 is not significant in this discussion.

Steph,

Advanced maternal age actually is a term used to refer to women over 35, not 30, so tell your mom you've got a few years!

Thanks NB, I'll at least be able to distract her now next time she brings it up!