We know we''re getting married - aren''t we engaged?

[Lauren8211]

This isn''t really applying to me, just wanted to get other LIWs thoughts on this, since I just saw this comment made in another thread.

I''ve heard it said many times, "Well if you know for sure you''re getting married, aren''t you engaged?"

My answer is no. I''m not engaged until he proposes. The proposal is what gives me the go-ahead to start planning a wedding.

How about you ladies? Do you feel *kind of* engaged because you know it''s happening soon, or are you a stickler about "We are NOT engaged until I am proposed to!" ?

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i''ve always felt it''s not until he asks you to marry him but that''s just me. i mean it''s like adding two chemicals together and getting a reaction. in this case it would be e-ring plus proposal = engagement
that was a weird, analogy, i''m sorry haha

 

[Clairitek]

FF and I own a house together so there are A LOT of assumptions made about our status. I can see how some people could say that we are "kind of" engaged but I agree with you- we aren''t engaged until he proposes and I can start shopping for a wedding dress and booking our vendors!

 

[tessari]

yeah, I agree. but sometimes when people refer to him as my fiance i don''t correct them bc then it gets into the whole annoying "so when are you getting engaged?" discussion. that''s when i will have to use my answer from the yesterday''s topic--"why buy the cow when you can get hte milk for free"

 

[ams0124]

hummm....

Well I agree that I''m not truely engaged until I''m proposed to...However I see the rationale behind thinking "If I know we''re getting married...then we''re for all intestive purposes engaged"....

An example I thought of was this: SO and I have these friends that have been together for a while...In January they started talking about rings...She was having a hard time deciding what she wanted but in the mean time had started planning the wedding...set the date...and even booked the location. By March she knew the ring she wanted...and in May they became "offically" engaged...but, from Jan. to May when she got her ring...she was pretty much acting engaged...everyone knew that the ring was just a formality...so it was a common feeling to think of them as engaged in January....

To counter that: SO and I know that one day we''re going to get married...one day we''ll be engaged and eveyone in our group of friends knows the samething. I havent'' set a set date to get married...or a set date (or timeline) to get engaged...therefore I don''t consider myself engaged...and neither does anyone else in our circle...

I guess my point is it all depends on the relationship....as is the answer to many of these types of questions.

My personal opinion...I want the ring before I''ll start planning anything!

But I can see the other perspective for sure!

 

[Pandora II]

For me, I was engaged when he had formally proposed and we had announced it to our families. The ring can come with or after the proposal - it is a way of sealing the acceptance of the proposal, but you don''t need to have the ring in order to be engaged.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 8/15/2008 12:35:01 PM
Author: Pandora II
For me, I was engaged when he had formally proposed and we had announced it to our families. The ring can come with or after the proposal - it is a way of sealing the acceptance of the proposal, but you don''t need to have the ring in order to be engaged.

Pandora II hit the nail on the head.

 

[vita*dolce]

well, i''m pretty sure i spurred this topic with the comment on made on KCCutie''s post about engagement and co-habitation... so i guess i should try to clarify..

i consider an engagement to be an agreement to be married, so if you''ve made that agreement, i think you can decide what to label your relationship from there. it''s a grey area, but to me it seems reasonable to consider yourself engaged even if you don''t have a ring.

my boyfriend and i plan to get married, but i don''t consider us "engaged." like you, i will continue to call him my boyfriend until he actually proposes with an actual ring, and then i''ll start planning.

however, my sister and her husband got engaged without a ring, announced their engagement, and started planning and he gave her an engagement ring later when he could afford it.

so, to me, it''s really a personal choice. i just don''t think that the ring is a necessary step towards the altar.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/15/2008 12:42:47 PM
Author: vita*dolce
well, i''m pretty sure i spurred this topic with the comment on made on KCCutie''s post about engagement and co-habitation... so i guess i should try to clarify..

i consider an engagement to be an agreement to be married, so if you''ve made that agreement, i think you can decide what to label your relationship from there. it''s a grey area, but to me it seems reasonable to consider yourself engaged even if you don''t have a ring.

my boyfriend and i plan to get married, but i don''t consider us ''engaged.'' like you, i will continue to call him my boyfriend until he actually proposes with an actual ring, and then i''ll start planning.

however, my sister and her husband got engaged without a ring, announced their engagement, and started planning and he gave her an engagement ring later when he could afford it.

so, to me, it''s really a personal choice. i just don''t think that the ring is a necessary step towards the altar.

Yeah, I don''t care if it''s with a ring or otherwise, it''s really just the formal question-asking that I consider to make one "engaged".

I feel like it''s such a grey area also. I feel engaged without actually feeling "engaged"

It''s weird. I know damn well we are NOT engaged, but I''m almost at a point where I''m feeling, we both know its going to happen, what are you waiting on?

 

[vita*dolce]

Date: 8/15/2008 12:45:37 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 8/15/2008 12:42:47 PM
Author: vita*dolce
well, i''m pretty sure i spurred this topic with the comment on made on KCCutie''s post about engagement and co-habitation... so i guess i should try to clarify..

i consider an engagement to be an agreement to be married, so if you''ve made that agreement, i think you can decide what to label your relationship from there. it''s a grey area, but to me it seems reasonable to consider yourself engaged even if you don''t have a ring.

my boyfriend and i plan to get married, but i don''t consider us ''engaged.'' like you, i will continue to call him my boyfriend until he actually proposes with an actual ring, and then i''ll start planning.

however, my sister and her husband got engaged without a ring, announced their engagement, and started planning and he gave her an engagement ring later when he could afford it.

so, to me, it''s really a personal choice. i just don''t think that the ring is a necessary step towards the altar.

Yeah, I don''t care if it''s with a ring or otherwise, it''s really just the formal question-asking that I consider to make one ''engaged''.

I feel like it''s such a grey area also. I feel engaged without actually feeling ''engaged''

It''s weird. I know damn well we are NOT engaged, but I''m almost at a point where I''m feeling, we both know its going to happen, what are you waiting on?

haha, elle i feel the same way! i''m so excited about the ring and the proposal, but it almost feels like a big farse since i already know it''s coming! i''m glad other people are in this strange sort of engagement-limbo and it''s not just me!

 

[sunnyd]

I consider us engaged. We have not said anything to our families announcing such (though they know anyway that it''s going to happen) and it''s not ''official'' in any way. That''s why I''m so excited for it to happen already!!! So we can be open about what we''ve known for months!

Besides, i don''t think I could convince him to buy a diamond if he plan on using it on me. Or I should become a salesman because damn! That would be a good sell.

 

[Bliss]

Hmmm... this is a tough one!

I''d say if both of you feel you are engaged in your hearts, you are.

 

[katamari]

Date: 8/15/2008 12:35:01 PM
Author: Pandora II
For me, I was engaged when he had formally proposed and we had announced it to our families.

I think it is a really good point, Pandora and others, that the public declaration of your decision to marry one another constitutes engagement. I hadn''t really thought about it before, but this makes perfect sense to me since the ring is a symbol that shares your intent to others.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 8/15/2008 1:03:45 PM
Author: katamari

Date: 8/15/2008 12:35:01 PM
Author: Pandora II
For me, I was engaged when he had formally proposed and we had announced it to our families.

I think it is a really good point, Pandora and others, that the public declaration of your decision to marry one another constitutes engagement. I hadn''t really thought about it before, but this makes perfect sense to me since the ring is a symbol that shares your intent to others.

Yeah, that''s when it''ll feel ''real'' to me personally.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Elledizzy, I also think that in your situation you don't want to plan the wedding until he proposes, so for you the formal proposal is priority #1 and wedding planning is #2.

A coworker of mine just booked her date and venue yesterday...no ring yet. For them, securing a date next summer was the first priority after deciding to get married, and the proposal will come when the ring is ready. So for them securing a date was priority #1 and the formal proposal is priority #2. She's been on the phone with her family all day, so they definitely know

It seems that the formal proposal in most cases is the indicator that the man is now ready to move forward with all of the next-step stuff, so to do it beforehand would be premature (because he's not quite ready).

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 8/15/2008 12:11:57 PM
Author:elledizzy5
This isn''t really applying to me, just wanted to get other LIWs thoughts on this, since I just saw this comment made in another thread.

I''ve heard it said many times, ''Well if you know for sure you''re getting married, aren''t you engaged?''

My answer is no. I''m not engaged until he proposes. The proposal is what gives me the go-ahead to start planning a wedding.

How about you ladies? Do you feel *kind of* engaged because you know it''s happening soon, or are you a stickler about ''We are NOT engaged until I am proposed to!'' ?

I am the same way - not "engaged" until he asks. infact, i am *trryyyyiiinnggg* not to plan anything wedding related until that question is asked. once said, though, its off like a prom dress!

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 8/15/2008 12:35:01 PM
Author: Pandora II
For me, I was engaged when he had formally proposed and we had announced it to our families. The ring can come with or after the proposal - it is a way of sealing the acceptance of the proposal, but you don''t need to have the ring in order to be engaged.

In complete agreement with Pandora. A ring is NOT necessary for an engagement.

 

[tessari]

Date: 8/15/2008 1:03:45 PM
Author: katamari

Date: 8/15/2008 12:35:01 PM
Author: Pandora II
For me, I was engaged when he had formally proposed and we had announced it to our families.

I think it is a really good point, Pandora and others, that the public declaration of your decision to marry one another constitutes engagement. I hadn''t really thought about it before, but this makes perfect sense to me since the ring is a symbol that shares your intent to others.

While I could see public disclosure being a part of it, it''s not for us. All of our siblings, parents, grandparents, and close friends know that we are getting engaged in Spring 2009. They don''t understand what the wait is about, and sometimes I don''t understand either. Anyway, I don''t consider myself engaged...almost engaged but not quite. I guess it''s very case by case...

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 8/15/2008 2:24:56 PM
Author: tessari

Date: 8/15/2008 1:03:45 PM
Author: katamari

Date: 8/15/2008 12:35:01 PM
Author: Pandora II
For me, I was engaged when he had formally proposed and we had announced it to our families.

I think it is a really good point, Pandora and others, that the public declaration of your decision to marry one another constitutes engagement. I hadn''t really thought about it before, but this makes perfect sense to me since the ring is a symbol that shares your intent to others.

While I could see public disclosure being a part of it, it''s not for us. All of our siblings, parents, grandparents, and close friends know that we are getting engaged in Spring 2009. They don''t understand what the wait is about, and sometimes I don''t understand either. Anyway, I don''t consider myself engaged...almost engaged but not quite. I guess it''s very case by case...

thats it! thats what i am calling myself. no longer am i a LIW. im just "almost engaged"

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/15/2008 1:17:19 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Elledizzy, I also think that in your situation you don''t want to plan the wedding until he proposes, so for you the formal proposal is priority #1 and wedding planning is #2.

A coworker of mine just booked her date and venue yesterday...no ring yet. For them, securing a date next summer was the first priority after deciding to get married, and the proposal will come when the ring is ready. So for them securing a date was priority #1 and the formal proposal is priority #2. She''s been on the phone with her family all day, so they definitely know

It seems that the formal proposal in most cases is the indicator that the man is now ready to move forward with all of the next-step stuff, so to do it beforehand would be premature (because he''s not quite ready).

You''re totally right, I had kind of started to look into wedding stuff, but it really bummed out FF, so I put the kabosh (sp?) on that.

I totally agree with your statement about the proposal being the indicator that the man is ready to move forward with wedding planning. Thats exactly what it is. FF is proposing within the year, but isn''t *quite* ready, so while we''re practically engaged, we''re not technically engaged. So I don''t feel engaged... because... well... I''m not.

I think sometimes it''s just hard to explain to people that while it''s happening very soon, it''s not quite there yet. People don''t seem to understand the slight wait. Sometimes I don''t understand it! Ah well... soon enough I shall be technically, officially, announcably, celebratorily (is that even a word?) ENGAGED! Then I may rejoice!

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/15/2008 2:27:06 PM
Author: jcarlylew

Date: 8/15/2008 2:24:56 PM
Author: tessari

Date: 8/15/2008 1:03:45 PM
Author: katamari

Date: 8/15/2008 12:35:01 PM
Author: Pandora II
For me, I was engaged when he had formally proposed and we had announced it to our families.

I think it is a really good point, Pandora and others, that the public declaration of your decision to marry one another constitutes engagement. I hadn''t really thought about it before, but this makes perfect sense to me since the ring is a symbol that shares your intent to others.

While I could see public disclosure being a part of it, it''s not for us. All of our siblings, parents, grandparents, and close friends know that we are getting engaged in Spring 2009. They don''t understand what the wait is about, and sometimes I don''t understand either. Anyway, I don''t consider myself engaged...almost engaged but not quite. I guess it''s very case by case...

thats it! thats what i am calling myself. no longer am i a LIW. im just ''almost engaged''

Haha.. whatever helps us feel better, right???

As long as I can get the word "engage" in there somehow, I''m feeling good! Hehe.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/15/2008 2:12:13 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 8/15/2008 12:35:01 PM
Author: Pandora II
For me, I was engaged when he had formally proposed and we had announced it to our families. The ring can come with or after the proposal - it is a way of sealing the acceptance of the proposal, but you don''t need to have the ring in order to be engaged.

In complete agreement with Pandora. A ring is NOT necessary for an engagement.

Also agree.

TGuy and I knew we''d get married, but it wasn''t definitive (meaning no date set, no proposal). One day we were sitting there and groaning about the logistics about planning our wedding (bringing people over from Australia, etc).

TGuy said, I know we want to get married, but this wedding thing seems so crazy to put together.

I said, I agree, but weddings don''t plan themselves ya know. We need to figure out a time and go from there.

TGuy agrees, we grab some dice from our Travel Yahtzee and roll it to get a date. Oct 6. Sold. Let''s do it, we said.

I considered myself engaged from there. Ring came 2 months later along with the official "proposal." We, as adults, had agreed to get married via Yahtzee, and I think that is all it takes. The proposal and ring were kind of more for fun and formality, I guess. I didn''t really need either, although I later did want him to simply ask me because I think it''s nice to hear once in your life "Will you marry me?"

 

[trillionaire]

I completely understand the engaged/not engaged/formality thing. I definitely do not consider us engaged, but I do feel like that it is more of a formality than anything. We both know that that is what we want, and we are both working towards it. He could ask me at any second to formalize it, if he wanted to. Or I could ask him, which he is now trying to convince me to do... he was just telling me yesterday how he wanted a nice expensive looking e-ring, which I would be happy to get him if I had the cash! (Poor student life stinks...)

hahaha, I should just start calling him my fiance! I bet he would laugh at first, then he would just end up giving me the ring... that might be a good plan!

Anyway, my take on it is that you are engaged whenever you both agree you are. No symbols or specific words needed, just the agreed commitment between two people.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/15/2008 3:42:31 PM
Author: trillionaire
I completely understand the engaged/not engaged/formality thing. I definitely do not consider us engaged, but I do feel like that it is more of a formality than anything. We both know that that is what we want, and we are both working towards it. He could ask me at any second to formalize it, if he wanted to. Or I could ask him, which he is now trying to convince me to do... he was just telling me yesterday how he wanted a nice expensive looking e-ring, which I would be happy to get him if I had the cash! (Poor student life stinks...)

hahaha, I should just start calling him my fiance! I bet he would laugh at first, then he would just end up giving me the ring... that might be a good plan!

Anyway, my take on it is that you are engaged whenever you both agree you are. No symbols or specific words needed, just the agreed commitment between two people.

I feel like I need to coin a term for that time period where you are 100%, absolutely sure that you''re getting married, so you''re more than a GF, but not quite an FI, and everyone knows you''re going to get engaged soon, but it just hasn''t *quite* happened yet.

I mean, other than coining it "frustration."

 

[Pandora II]

Since we did the ring later, my engagement was a complete suprise. We had discussed all the relevant details relating to a permanent relationship beforehand, but he was very against marriage for understandable reasons.

I''d just about given up hope when he asked.

I quite liked having no idea it was coming and getting to do all the planning fun/wedding **** buying etc AFTER the proposal rather than before. I also liked the proposal being about us and not being about Pandora searching for her loupe so as to look at the bling!

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/15/2008 4:04:20 PM
Author: Pandora II
Since we did the ring later, my engagement was a complete suprise. We had discussed all the relevant details relating to a permanent relationship beforehand, but he was very against marriage for understandable reasons.

I'd just about given up hope when he asked.

I quite liked having no idea it was coming and getting to do all the planning fun/wedding **** buying etc AFTER the proposal rather than before. I also liked the proposal being about us and not being about Pandora searching for her loupe so as to look at the bling!

I love that! It allows for the proposal to be more spontaneous. It would work better for me too, since I know FFs financial situation, and his less-than-a-year timeline, I can pretty much narrow down the engagement, removing a lot of the surprise.

If he proposed w/o the ring, I would really be taken aback.

I love surprises, btw, which is why I hate this timeline thing so much, but at the same time, it's reassuring.

Wow, I'm nuts. OK. I must drive FF crazy.

 

[karencluff]

This topic has been coming up for me recently. When my friends ask what is new with me and I say my ring is being made and such, they say, "so, you are engaged?". Well... no I tell them. The term that I have come up with is that I am engaged to be engaged. I rather like that.

I feel like the proposal and the ring makes it more official. Sounds like various planning stages can happen before or after. Whatever works for you, right?

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/15/2008 4:19:07 PM
Author: StarBright
This topic has been coming up for me recently. When my friends ask what is new with me and I say my ring is being made and such, they say, ''so, you are engaged?''. Well... no I tell them. The term that I have come up with is that I am engaged to be engaged. I rather like that.

I feel like the proposal and the ring makes it more official. Sounds like various planning stages can happen before or after. Whatever works for you, right?

I used to use that term to describe a promise ring, so now I think I ruined it for myself to use now.

And absolutely, whatever works for you is right!

I just feel like I''m engaged right now without all the "hype." I want hype, dangit!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

A couple is engaged when they say they are engaged. There are no other qualifications or criteria other than that. There are some couples who are planning their wedding for summer of 2010 who are not yet engaged. There are other couples who are engaged but have no date or plan for the wedding. Some couples get engaged, and then buy a ring. Some couples pick out a ring together and then get engaged. Some people don''t get a ring until their twentieth anniversary.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/15/2008 4:25:41 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
A couple is engaged when they say they are engaged. There are no other qualifications or criteria other than that. There are some couples who are planning their wedding for summer of 2010 who are not yet engaged. There are other couples who are engaged but have no date or plan for the wedding. Some couples get engaged, and then buy a ring. Some couples pick out a ring together and then get engaged. Some people don''t get a ring until their twentieth anniversary.

Oh I absolutely agree with you, GP. I was just trying to get at the couples (like myself) who are planning the engagement, but don''t consider themselves engaged. Just kind of that grey area, ya know?

Sometimes I think my situation seems silly, and other times it makes perfect sense, just looking for other opinions!