WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

[sctsbride09]

Tammy77- I meant absolutely no offense to your post with my last response to Nicoleben, I was just trying to drive the point home to her that she poo-poos everyone elses advice that is not agreeable and picks and chooses who is reasonable based on snippets. Because in fact, most of your post was exactly the same thing others have said, she just chose to pick one part as reasonable and dismiss the rest, just like the rest of the responses. I apologize if I came off the wrong way, I agree with your post actually, as I do everyone elses.

 

[decodelighted]

Ridiculous to even try but:

I don't think people who have control issues or who need and/or seek therapy should be ABANDONED by their loved ones. But I believe the people who HAVE the control issues SHOULD seek therapy, SHOULD take responsibility for their own actions. SHOULD bend over backwards to work on themselves and learn coping techniques. And not make their partners PAY over and over and over again for the rest of their lives.

Also: new concept ... delayed gratification. Look into it.

 

[nicoleben]

Why is it that you think the only posts that are "reasonable" (your words, not mine)are the ones where people agree with you? No offense, but when you ask people advice on PS, we are going to be honest with you, because after all some of us have been there and would like to help you. Help in the form of advice is not always going to be what you want to hear, sometimes its what you NEED to hear. And all the ladies here have given you reasonable, well thought out advice, and all you do is dump on them. I have to say, at this point, I think you are too immature to get married. I and other PSer Im sure, are/were excited for your impending engagement, but we are not here to YES MAAM you, if you cant take the heat (even on low, btw, because believe me Ive seen people get flamed more than you) get out of the kitchen. I for one will not be responding to anymore of your posts, because you dont really want advice anyway.

If you read her posts, she did not agree with me at all! What she said was apporpriate and so very true! Yea.. ive acted a little crazy this past week, shoot me. I wasnt dumping on anyone either. I know what it looks like when people read my posts. I definately see why they would get that perspective. Its completely rational. Im just having a tough time in my life right now. I know people have their responses, thats why i put it there, but I am highly emotional right now and Im just going to take a step back for a bit. Ive told my boyfriend to not put it on the credit card, and do it the right way. pay as he can, i dont want him in debt anyway. I told him to wait a little bit and he refuses. No matter what i say to him he always says, but this is what i want to do and dont change it" All i can say is ok. No reason to argue about it.

I will be back, but i think i need a little break from PS.. the more i look at it the more envious i get of other people! its natural! but how happy i am to see everyone getting engaged, is priceless. Its exciting!. However, the more i am on it, the more crazy i get!! Ill be back but i think i need to chill out.

 

[nicoleben]

Hon, im gonna say this as nicely as i can .. you need to lay off the man. Let him doing his planning and give him space to do that. Personally if i were, and this is just me. I would make you wait longer for nagging me so much, but thats me. You nagging him is taking away the specialness of the whole waiting and engagement process, like most of the ladies have said here. You need to, and not try, but need to, leave him alone and enjoy being a LIW. In a little over a year, you will be a married woman, and will look back on these times. Also, you dont want him, even though he wont tell you, to feel pressured into this decision. No matter what you say, about him saying, " o no, this is his choice", if you keep nagging him, its going to lead him into thinking more and feeling pressured. I can gurantee that. So just sit back, Relax, and enjoy.

and i couldnt agree more, i feel the same way.. I was calmed down when i wrote the post, after the fact that i realized i needed to cool down, let it go, and let him have control over the situation like he wanted in the first place. I know i was being pushy and ive brought this up to him as well. He tells me to be quiet, because he said he is not pressured. But deep down, i feel like he probably is. I feel terrible because thats not what i wanted my engagement to be like. I want it special. No pressure..

I am not upset with anyone, i have some serious emotions right now that I am dealing with and thats not anyone's fault at all. so please dont think im being offensive to anyone.

and as for therapy- ive been in therapy for a year now due to my control issues, blah blah blah.. Im not disregarding them in anyway. but, not everyday is good for me. I am the first person to say, im having a terrible day.. and yesterday and 2 days before that were TERRIBLE DAYS! I havent felt like that in about a year.. Its progress.

 

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have most of this under control and are seeing a counselor for the things that you don't. It also sounds like you have a very patient, understanding BF that knows you better than any of us ever will. There's not much more to say at this point other than that I hope the time off from the boards helps, and that things go smoothly for the two of you.

 

[nicoleben]

Yes couldnt have said it better myself. He is patient, and caring. And usually knows how to respond when im in the dumps. He supports me 100% and always tells me he loves me for who i am. he knows ive have a pretty crumby life, but as time goes on, everything works out. Im an intelligent person, im in medical school, and i am very responsible. He knows how extremely stressed and upset I am about things going on in my life right now.. and I got this text from him this morning while at work.

"I love you because..You dont try to change me, you love who i am, you let me be me.. i love the connection we have, mentally and physically..your direction in life is unbeleivable..we have so much in common ..i trust everything you do and i never have to worry if your off talking to some guy or cheating..you have family that loves you and last but not least.. my family adores you."

he text this because he knew i was having a crumby day.. just one more thing to love about him!

 

[beezygal]

I agree with you from taking a little break from PS. I also feel very envious about people getting engaged on here. Then I will feel more anxious to get a proposal. However, PS is too entertaining. I can't stop talking to you ladies. You guys understand what a LIW is going through. I'm anxious to see your ring and hear your engagement. As long as you know your bf will propose that's fine.

Don't leave us for too long!!!! Come back soon! *HUG*

 

[nicoleben]

I wont.. Give me a day or two lol. or hours.. Who knows. haha.. see im still responding!!

 

[PrincessNatalie]

 

[FrekeChild]

I think you are one of those LIW whose frenzy is fueled in a big way by LIWitis, and not helped by the pack mentality of Ladies in Waiting. Those LsIW always end up having emotional breakdowns, and sometimes their relationships end up on the rocks because of it. And sometimes the relationships even end.

Honestly, if I were you and I behaved the way that you have and I had these women telling me these things, I would most certainly be ashamed of myself and my behavior. And I would seriously question my own maturity, because a woman who is ready for marriage does not act like that. Someone else said it up thread, and I could not agree more--you're acting like a petulant child that hasn't gotten what you wanted.

More so, if my husband was your boyfriend and I acted the way you have, there would be no engagement, no marriage, no relationship. And I wouldn't blame him. Seriously.

I've been quietly reading all of your threads nicoleben, and I think you need to step away from PS, and seriously look at your behavior. There is cute anxious/excited and obnoxious anxious. You are ten steps past obnoxious anxious.

I am absolutely appalled at your behavior.

I wish you and your bf all the best of luck. I also hope that you chill the heck out.

 

[nicoleben]

Just because i had a moment, does not mean i am not ready for marriage. Its hard to convey what a person says over the internet and the way they were saying it. Yea im excited, yes last night i got him Pissed, but were over it and moved on and talked it over. As posted above, no one knows the situation. No one knows my life. I understad its easy to come up with this that and why.. But it was taken out of perspective once again. Just another lesson learned that if i want to post something i should inclde the whole story. Thats fine.

Im a very intelligent young woman. Im responsible, smart with my money, in medical school. Yea, i admit, theres some issues, but no one is perfect. I had a moment of weakness twice this week, VERY unlike me. I have a lot on my plate. Although it is not an excuse, i took it out on my boyfriend and apologized to no end all last night all day even though he immediately forgave me and told me to come back home (i took a drive to cool down.) If everyone can take a step back I whole heartedly beleive that everyone has had their moments. Be honest. It just kind of sucks that I was silly enough to post what was on my mind once again. Something I will NOT do again until I am engaged. I will comment on other peoples, but i will not post about my news, or silly things that ive done. Thats what they are, they're silly!

That being said. My boyfriend never second guesses his relationship with me .. Even when im being "childish, immature" yaddi ya. because im over it in 5 minutes. He thought telling me "the date" yesterday would have made me happy, not upset. he didnt realize the reaction i would have have him. I also spoke to him again about the text message phone deal and how everyone reacted to it, and he just laughed only because of the fact that he doesnt care. So him running away for that, ehh.. not so much. But i do understand what it looks like to an outsider. YOU WENT THROUGH HIS PHONE!? U DONT TRUST HIM!? WHATS WRONG WITH U!? ... its not like that at all.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Give him some privacy for one. Its not your business to go through his phone. One day you might realise that but at the moment you are too caught up in your own frantic LIW-itis to see what you are doing to him. Take a step back and monitor your own "silly" behavior (BTW its not "silly" is appalling).

Its all of your threads people are getting this impression from not just one or two.

My best friend used to argue with and bully her bf and he spat the date out one day, a couple of days before it was to happen, it just made the whole thing awkward for everyone involved, because she proceeded to tell us all it was going to happen and when.

You need to have more respect for him. And I don't think you even realise you have been mistreating him. Sad really.

 

[decodelighted]

Kudos for seeking therapy. That's something. If you want to be thought of as an "intelligent woman" around here you might want to think about cleaning up your writing a bit. Using contractions ... etc. The text-speak lingo really enhances the "tween"-feel of your posts & isn't doing you any favors. Just a thought.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Kudos for seeking therapy. That's something. If you want to be thought of as an "intelligent woman" around here you might want to think about cleaning up your writing a bit. Using contractions ... etc. The text-speak lingo really enhances the "tween"-feel of your posts & isn't doing you any favors. Just a thought.

I have to agree with Deco. I know people type fast and I myself sometimes don't capitalize, but the text/teen-speak really makes it hard for me to take you seriously when you say you have it together and you're an intelligent young woman. Just saying.

And my advice is to stay away from LIW for a while. Go find a different hobby. Meditate, do yoga, but STOP feeding into the LIW-itis. I think you're going to drive yourself crazy if you don't learn to let go a bit.

 

[yssie]

I have to admit, another ditto on the netspeak - I find it really difficult to take someone who uses net-speak as her primary mode of communication seriously, post content notwithstanding.


There's nothing wrong with posting how you feel, your thoughts - there are hundreds of posts just like that all over PS honestly, it's the actions detailed in those posts and the mindset behind the thoughts that's jarring and worrying to those who respond.

 

[nicoleben]

Give him some privacy for one. Its not your business to go through his phone. One day you might realise that but at the moment you are too caught up in your own frantic LIW-itis to see what you are doing to him. Take a step back and monitor your own "silly" behavior (BTW its not "silly" is appalling).

Its all of your threads people are getting this impression from not just one or two.

My best friend used to argue with and bully her bf and he spat the date out one day, a couple of days before it was to happen, it just made the whole thing awkward for everyone involved, because she proceeded to tell us all it was going to happen and when.

You need to have more respect for him. And I don't think you even realise you have been mistreating him. Sad really.

I have only had two posts where I had freaked out. Like i said, the text thing had nothing to do with privacy, you don't understand because you don't understand the relationship. Nor will you ever, or anyone for that matter. I do not bully my boyfriend and kind of upset's me that you think I am "bullying" him. If I was bullying him he would have been long gone. A long time ago. I have seen MANY MANY MANY MANY posts on this forum from people who are actually repsonding to my behavior, who have done the same EXACT thing. We learn from our mistakes. I am NOT bashing anyone whatsoever, but in reality. It's there, it happens. Sue me.

Yes I know my writing stinks on here, I type fast, and this is how I type fast. I will make capital letters and punctuation from now on. I know it may look as if im a "tween" haha (minus my terrible week of being upset), but I'm far from a tween.

 

[Nashville]

Ok, ok, ok. We get it. Your boyfriend "doesn't care" and puts up with this because he loves you.

But I do imagine he's really hurt that his proposal plans were not only wrecked, but then he was told to change them after the fact to suit your needs! Yet again!

I'm not sure what anyone can say to you, because you seem so committed to spewing the crazy and then telling everyone "No guys, it's like totes normal, he doesn't even care LOLZ"

I don't know you, but it's unclear whether it's us or yourself you're trying to convince, but either way you should try a break and see if you feel better.

 

[nicoleben]

Ok, ok, ok. We get it. Your boyfriend "doesn't care" and puts up with this because he loves you.

But I do imagine he's really hurt that his proposal plans were not only wrecked, but then he was told to change them after the fact to suit your needs! Yet again!

I'm not sure what anyone can say to you, because you seem so committed to spewing the crazy and then telling everyone "No guys, it's like totes normal, he doesn't even care LOLZ"

I don't know you, but it's unclear whether it's us or yourself you're trying to convince, but either way you should try a break and see if you feel better.

No. I definately know that I hurt him. I felt and still feel terrible. It sounds crazy to everyone, but I guess to us it's not crazy. Every relationship has it's own set of rules. I feel like absolute crap that everyone on here now thinks im a crazy child and whatever else everyone said. I know I do not know anyone on here personally, but I would like to think that I had the support from people who I also give support to as well. Obviously not, but its over and done and I can not make anyone understand no matter how many times I repeat myself. So be it. What matters the most is I am going to marry the love of my life, and i will be engaged within the next two months. Thats all I need to know and I realize that now. Once again, Good luck to all you ladies who are waiting as well, and DEAR GOD to any girl with LIW-itis, relax.

 

[Dancing Fire]

On top of that, He showed me somethinIg on his phone, a text message sent from his mom, but when he went upstairs to change, i snooped through it.. :\ see if there were any calls from the jeweler, or anything, and i found a text he sent his mom saying " Mom, i need my credit card" so she asks, "what do you need it for?" and he said "its a secret, hehehehe" and his mom says "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!" she cant wait to make me her daughter in law haha..she says it all the time!! so Im assuming, he is paying off the ring TODAY! or the weekend, whichever! but still!!!

I know i shouldnt have snooped, i am just so excited!!!! Im sooo bad!

it is ok to snoop as long as you find something so did you see a pic of your E-ring on his phone?.

 

[nicoleben]

Haha. No, I already know what the ring looks like. We picked it out together. Oddly enough we had the same exact idea on what we wanted! Down to the band style. Surprise! Just one more thing we have in common! It was just text messages between my boyfriend and his mom. So cute because he is so excited!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have looked at my husband's texts, I manage his bank account, I read his mail... *shrug* to each their own.

But I do think you should slow down. A lot. About the marriage, about the engagement. You are going to hurry your life away.

Also, maybe chat a little with your therapist about how the need for control in one's life and in one's relatinonships essentially boils down to insecurity, low self-regard and the lack of trust in others that comes from insecuirty. I am a psychologist and actually got my PhD in this stuff, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that insecurity undermines relationship quality in the long haul. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy: insecurity leads to bad behaviour in relationships (like you describe) which in turn leads to unhappiness and lower commitment from one's partner. No joke, those are the cold hard facts. I wish you all the best in your life, but focus on this issue in yourself a little more and your relationship a little less and you, and your bf, will be so much happier and better off in the long run.

 

[nicoleben]

I have looked at my husband's texts, I manage his bank account, I read his mail... *shrug* to each their own.

But I do think you should slow down. A lot. About the marriage, about the engagement. You are going to hurry your life away.

Also, maybe chat a little with your therapist about how the need for control in one's life and in one's relatinonships essentially boils down to insecurity, low self-regard and the lack of trust in others that comes from insecuirty. I am a psychologist and actually got my PhD in this stuff, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that insecurity undermines relationship quality in the long haul. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy: insecurity leads to bad behaviour in relationships (like you describe) which in turn leads to unhappiness and lower commitment from one's partner. No joke, those are the cold hard facts. I wish you all the best in your life, but focus on this issue in yourself a little more and your relationship a little less and you, and your bf, will be so much happier and better off in the long run.

Dreamer D, I also manage my own bank account and even my boyfriend's. He is awful at it.

Your insight on insecurity is right on the nose. I have known this from the age of 15 when my symptoms of Bipolar decided to surface. My boyfriend know's my highs, he know's my lows, and he know's my great days. I do not deny that my issues boil down to me. This is not the place for me to explain everything, but I do know that I need to work on myself, which I have been doing with my therapist. I have been doing everything in power to not use medication. The side effects are plain horrible. I guess it isn't working to my advantage because I tend to have outbursts like this about once every 3 months and they last for about a week. Being overly excited about something and then being completely upset and crying about it for days. Then, after a week I am completely fine and happy with life. I do not expect everyone to understand the situation, but it is the background music to my outbursts.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have looked at my husband's texts, I manage his bank account, I read his mail... *shrug* to each their own.

But I do think you should slow down. A lot. About the marriage, about the engagement. You are going to hurry your life away.

Also, maybe chat a little with your therapist about how the need for control in one's life and in one's relatinonships essentially boils down to insecurity, low self-regard and the lack of trust in others that comes from insecuirty. I am a psychologist and actually got my PhD in this stuff, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that insecurity undermines relationship quality in the long haul. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy: insecurity leads to bad behaviour in relationships (like you describe) which in turn leads to unhappiness and lower commitment from one's partner. No joke, those are the cold hard facts. I wish you all the best in your life, but focus on this issue in yourself a little more and your relationship a little less and you, and your bf, will be so much happier and better off in the long run.

Dreamer D, I also manage my own bank account and even my boyfriend's. He is awful at it.

Your insight on insecurity is right on the nose. I have known this from the age of 15 when my symptoms of Bipolar decided to surface. My boyfriend know's my highs, he know's my lows, and he know's my great days. I do not deny that my issues boil down to me. This is not the place for me to explain everything, but I do know that I need to work on myself, which I have been doing with my therapist. I have been doing everything in power to not use medication. The side effects are plain horrible. I guess it isn't working to my advantage because I tend to have outbursts like this about once every 3 months and they last for about a week. Being overly excited about something and then being completely upset and crying about it for days. Then, after a week I am completely fine and happy with life. I do not expect everyone to understand the situation, but it is the background music to my outbursts.

Hon I hope you find techniques and skills with your therapist that help you cope and function to your best, it is a tough tough disease to deal with med free! And this "background music" certainly explains a lot about how you have been coming accross here, so thank you for sharing. Of course it is none of our business, but sharing can be cathartic and this is an anonymous forum so as good a place as any to get things off your chest.

This time is probably pushing a lot of buttons for you, but it can be a really great learning time for you and for your bf... learning methods of helping you to cope with stress and both of your learning ways to be together and help each other in these times can be a real growing experience if you let it be that. I do think slowing down, learning to roll with the punches, etc could make the next few months a real period of growth for both of you. You'll need it, life only gets more stressful as you get older and take on more responsibilities. Medical school is no cup of tea, and doubly so if you are dealing with bipolar I am sure, and marriage and kids certainly don't simplify things either

 

[nicoleben]

I guess maybe I should have explained that in post #1, it might have let people understand just a little bit. If not all, then at least some. Thank you again!

 

[nicoleben]

Also, I guess having Type 1 Diabetes doesn't help the situation anymore! Booooooo .. No, honestly, im ok with my Diabetes, but sometimes tend to be pretty crumby.

 

[Porridge]

Good heavens Nicole! Get it together woman! *throws glass of water in face*

Alright, alright I'm just kidding. I'm glad you recognise you need to relax, and I hope you can work with your therapist to find a way to do it. It's easy to say "relax", it's another thing entirely to try to do it when you're so wound up! Well done you for seeking help.

IIRC, you're around 24 and you are getting your masters in forensics at the end of the summer? AND you're in medical school? So that means (because I think you're in the US?) that you've somehow crammed in undergrad, med school AND a masters before the age of 25? All while dealing with bipolar and diabetes? Phew! I couldn't manage it...it's seems impossible to me! That is a huge amount of pressure, I can see why you are stressed. Take it easy honey.

I have a few of things to say that I hope will help. The first is that I know it must be hard to read people saying they don't condone your behaviour. It stings at first, and that's fine. But please try to remember that everyone's advice here, including my own, comes from a place of genuine concern for your own wellbeing. We don't trawl the internet looking for people to flame for funsies. You know that, that's why you came here in the first place and that's why you stayed. People give advice because they hope that if you follow it, the result will be a happier, healthier Nicole and Ben.

The second is when you post something, and get advice on it, turning around and getting defensive and saying "well you don't know the situation" is supremely annoying. OF COURSE we don't know. We don't live with you. You knew that when you posted in the first place! Our replies are based on what YOU tell us. That's what advice is.

The third is that advice and support does not mean saying "I know honey", agreeing with everything and making soothing noises. You will not get that here because that kind of response is not in your best interest. See point one.

Go easy on yourself and your bf. Things will work out. He is capable of doing it right.

And sort out the text speak please

 

[calamityJJJ]

She is also holding down a job (she works with kids, if I'm not mistaken), and managed to live in Europe for a few months in addition to everything else.

Two things I want to mention because it's probably annoying a lot of people:
1) It's definitely, not definately.
2) I before E except after C. The only exception is the word "weird".

Also, all the criticism is constructive. The ladies on here are probably the only objective observers who will give you a totally honest opinion. Even though it seems harsh, don't dismiss it.

That's all.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Oh from the title of your thread and from all the responses i thought that you were engaged!!

There isn't really anything left to say that hasn't already been said. I just hope that you don't look back on this time once you are engaged and really regret the way that you have behaved. This is supposed to be an exciting and happy time for the both of you, but you are ruining it for yourself and your bf. I know it's hard to let go of the control and just let it be, but that is what you need to do.

 

[Nashville]

She is also holding down a job (she works with kids, if I'm not mistaken), and managed to live in Europe for a few months in addition to everything else.

Two things I want to mention because it's probably annoying a lot of people:
1) It's definitely, not definately.
2) I before E except after C. The only exception is the word "weird".

Also, all the criticism is constructive. The ladies on here are probably the only objective observers who will give you a totally honest opinion. Even though it seems harsh, don't dismiss it.

That's all.

So... to sum up. 24 years old, college grad getting a masters in forensic science, going to med school, job working with children, had time to live in Europe for a few months and carry out a long term relationship, all while juggling diabetes and bipolar.

That's a lot, wow!

 

[decodelighted]

"knows" is always "knows" ... there is no know's. Ya know? As to the rest ... I'm ... dubious.