What do you do?

[MissAva]

Verbal abuse can be just a hurtful as physical abuse, please don’t underestimate that. Until she decides to change things or her does they won’t. Are there children involved?
Try and get them to a counselor and forget your concerns about the mans job...things can go from bad to worse in the blink of an eye. It is better for them to have a less affluent lifestyle then to have her die, and these things do happen. I worked at a Woman's Shelter and sadly they only get 30days to rebuild their lives completely, so if you can try and help her find a place to live on her own and a job. She will need these things sooner or later.

 

[movie zombie]

storm, there is some merit to your pipe method. and i do applaud your stepping in when it was required. there are actually some people that will only respect force.

however, unless the woman is willing to get the hell out, it can actually escalate her mistreatment.

peace, movie zombie

 

[tawn]

Sad thing is...he''s our friend as well and we actually like him (or did before this). He''s one of those guys that you think is a bit of a dumbass, but he''s still likeable. I don''t want to come face to face with him right now though...I don''t know if I would be able to keep my mouth shut, and that could make things worse for her. I''m definitely just going to be there for her right now... and encourage her to get some counseling etc.

Thank goodness they don''t have children because that will make it easier if she gets up enough courage to leave.

 

[tawn]

Date: 12/6/2005 3:49:05 PM
Author: strmrdr
lead pipe once to each hand hard he never hits anyone again.
Maybe i was born a 100 years too late.
Why do guys(some gals too) do that crap, because they can and get by with it.
When they learn the hard way they cant do it they stop, too bad now days the other person is usualy dead before that happens.

I like this method as well!

My Aunt''s boyfriend slapped her across the face once when they were dating. She''s a toughy and she grabbed him by the front of the shirt, slid him up the wall, and punched him in the face as hard as she could.

They''ve been happily married for 25 years and he''s never laid a hand on her since!

 

[AGBF]

Date: 12/6/2005 3:49:05 PM
Author: strmrdr
Why do guys (some gals too) do that crap, because they can and get by with it.

When they learn the hard way they cant do it they stop, too bad now days the other person is usualy dead before that happens.

I do not want to do this, but I am going to. I have been there: a victim of minor violence and verbal abuse and even threats to my life if I dared to call the police. One of these threats was delivered as I lay on my back in the same bed as my husband with our new baby on my chest.

When our daughter was two my husband threatened to go upstairs, drag her out of bed, and hit her (although she was asleep) because she was a "freak" or a "nut" or whatever he was calling me, like me. I didn't know if he would do it, but no one was going to touch that child! I called my father once I was able to get to a phone. (I was held on the floor for a while.)

My father said, "Do you want me to call the police?". I said, "Yes". I immediately called him back to try to call it off, but it was too late. He had called 911. The police arrived at the door. I was in a nightshirt dripping with the drink my husband had thrown on me.

Under the laws of our state, the police were mandated to make an arrest. I begged they not take my husband to jail because I feared the consequences. He got a summons to appear in court the next day. I left our house with the baby to go stay at my parents' home. Leaving was my choice. The police had told my husband that he had to go. When they heard me fearfully asking him if I could return, they said that I could and that if he gave me any problems just to call them.

I spoke to a divorce lawyer. We got counseling, but it was utterly unhelpful. The "counselor" was unskilled and primitive.

In the end, he never touched me again because he didn't dare to. He had said to me during one fight that he would lose his job if he were ever arrested again. I said I didn't care if I landed in the street; that it wouldn't happen again. And it didn't. All I needed to do all those years was to stand up to a bully. Storm is right.

I can't believe I am sharing this on the Internet, but if I can do even one woman any good, it is worth it.

Edited to add: I just noticed that this is my 4,000th posting! What an irony! It took me until now to share something which is private and which I had never wanted to share publicly.

Deborah

 

[sevens one]

Date: 12/6/2005 8:08:17 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 12/6/2005 3:49:05 PM
Author: strmrdr
Why do guys (some gals too) do that crap, because they can and get by with it.

When they learn the hard way they cant do it they stop, too bad now days the other person is usualy dead before that happens.

I do not want to do this, but I am going to. I have been there: a victim of minor violence and verbal abuse and even threats to my life if I dared to call the police. One of these threats was delivered as I lay on my back in the same bed as my husband with our new baby on my chest.

When our daughter was two my husband threatened to go upstairs, drag her out of bed, and hit her (although she was asleep) because she was a ''freak'' or a ''nut'' or whatever he was calling me, like me. I didn''t know if he would do it, but no one was going to touch that child! I called my father once I was able to get to a phone. (I was held on the floor for a while.)

My father said, ''Do you want me to call the police?''. I said, ''Yes''. I immediately called him back to try to call it off, but it was too late. He had called 911. The police arrived at the door. I was in a nightshirt dripping with the drink my husband had thrown on me.

Under the laws of our state, the police were mandated to make an arrest. I begged they not take my husband to jail because I feared the consequences. He got a summons to appear in court the next day. I left our house with the baby to go stay at my parents'' home. Leaving was my choice. The police had told my husband that he had to go. When they heard me fearfully asking him if I could return, they said that I could and that if he gave me any problems just to call them.

I spoke to a divorce lawyer. We got counseling, but it was utterly unhelpful. The ''counselor'' was unskilled and primitive.

In the end, he never touched me again because he didn''t dare to. He had said to me during one fight that he would lose his job if he were ever arrested again. I said I didn''t care if I landed in the street; that it wouldn''t happen again. And it didn''t. All I needed to do all those years was to stand up to a bully. Storm is right.

I can''t believe I am sharing this on the Internet, but if I can do even one woman any good, it is worth it.

Edited to add: I just noticed that this is my 4,000th posting! What an irony! It took me until now to share something which is private and which I had never wanted to share publicly.

Deborah

you''re my hero

If I could run out and find you this minute you''d get the biggest, tightest hug ever.

Good for you Deb.

 

[Kaleigh]

Deb,
That took great courage and sharing that will help more people than you know. Big {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
Lisa

 

[movie zombie]

love you, deb!

peace, movie zombie

 

[strmrdr]

Deb,
Iv tried to find words for a reply a dozen times now but the only ones that seem fitting are.

I am saddened that you went thru that, you are a great person and did not deserve that.

Thank you for sharing you have helped a lot of people today.

((((((((((((((((((huge hug))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/5/2005 10:57:13 PM
Author: tawn
Apparently, the cycle has been very slowly escalating for the last 10yrs.

Key word: escalating. Do you know anyone who has been in therapy? Have a referral number for her to call (local)? If she''s paralyzed it may help if you do a little leg work for her. One name. One number. A shelter. Just to have in case she gets an urge to reach out.

It''s encouraging to me that she spoke to you about it. On some level she wants things to change. I would try to boost her self-esteem by reminding her of all the things you love about her and the qualities you admire about her. Reminding her who she was BEFORE him & who she could be again.

Ultimately she has to make the call. Get the help. Leave.

So sorry your friend is going through this ... & that it''s affecting you!

 

[tawn]

A BIG THANKS to everyone for sharing their stories and just generally making me feel more comfortable with this very sad situation! I haven''t heard from my girlfriend, but I know she''s alright. I think she''s going to pretend that everything is normal...and that nothing was ever said. I''ll be there for her...armed with some info, and hope that she gets the confidence to take some kind of action in the near future.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I say you should give her the number to your local women''s shelter and counseling line. I volunteered at mine for a while and it really helps women in this situation. Just having a number for "domestic emergencies" and knowing there''s somewhere they can go, is a step in the right direction. I personally wouldn''t get caught in the middle if I were you. I''ve seen many friends of battered and abused women get seriously hurt and harrassed because they helped. The local shelter is completely anonymous so there''s no other lives at stake.

 

[cymbrie]

Tawn- I do hope your friend and her husband seek some professional help this is very sad indeed, I do hope they can find resolution.

Deb- Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story I think it is an inspiration to all. You are too right sometimes the only choice you have is to stand up to a bully.

Thought I''d share an oddly related memory. I''ll never forget a guy I met in college, he was new to the school, seemed very intelligent and sweet though a bit shy and anti-social. I be-friended him and introduced him to some friends so he wouldn''t feel so isolated. Things went well for a few weeks until he developed an unhealthy attitude toward me. He would hit things in front of me (e.g. lockers) until his hands would swell and bleed. He would thrust his hands in front of my face to show me the damage. Stranger still he began to strike me unprovoked when my boyfriend at the time was NOT present. At first I thought it was a joke but after a few times he actually started to hurt/bruise me. I didn''t know what to do, I had, nor have I ever had anyone hit me before. He revealed soon after he was placed in a single dormroom because of a "psychological disability". A good friend among others who had witnessed it asked me not to associate with him for my own safety, but we were in a small dorm so there were occasional unavoidable meetings (he was the neighbor of the aforementioned friend). On these occasions he would hit me. My boyfriend was furious when he found out and tried to confront him but I begged him to let me deal with it, as I feared for his safety as well. He told me if it happened again he would not wait for me to "deal" with it. As it happened I caught a bad flu soon after and happened to run into this guy in the hall he struck me in the small of the back and the pain seared through my already achy body. Being sick and finally pushed past any threshold of tolerance, I got right up his face and unleashed a vicious verbal assault finishing with "Don''t you ever F------k touch me again! People came out of their rooms stunned. I left him speechless. And he NEVER came near me again. Ironically, it got back to me later that he thought I was psycho?!!!!!

 

[AGBF]

Date: 12/8/2005 6:55:02 AM
Author: cymbrie

That is an excellent story, cymbrie. I wish I could share it with my daughter, but I don't want her reading this forum or this thread (not that she would be bothered with these boring topics!).

Deb

 

[pebbles]

Deb -- thank you so much for sharing what happened to you. Standing up for yourself is sometimes very hard, especially if it is to someone that you love.

I have been there myself, unfortunately, however I was much younger and it was not my husband that did the abusing. I remember this like it was yesterday.

When I was a junior in high school I started dating Steve. Steve was considered a "great catch" - he was smart, handsome and the quarterback of the football team. I was so flattered that he was interested in me because I remember him previously dating very pretty girls. The first month we dated he was super sweet -- brought me flowers, always held my hand in public and on our 1 month anniversary he gave me his football jacket. I was estatic as having a guy''s jacket was a big thing in my school.

Unfortunately things escalated downhill very quickly. One night after we had gone to a movie he drove me to a park instead of right back to my house. I told him I had a curfew and had to get home soon. He said we would only stay a little while. We started kissing but he wanted to do a lot more than that. I stopped him and nicely said no, I didn''t feel comfortable doing that. He said something like most girls would kill to be with a guy like him. I was very nervous as he had a very strange look in his eyes - nothing I had never seen before. He said that no one says no to him. He tried kissing me again but I moved away and he slapped me across the face, one of those really loud slaps. I had never been hit before so I was just in shock. He then tried to pin me down on the seat. Someone must have been watching over me that day because I was somehow able to open the car door and get out of the car. I really think he would have raped me if I hadn''t gotten out. I wasn''t sure exactly where I was as I was hysterical at this point but I started to run toward the busy street. He drove up next to me and started appologizing and begged me to get back into the car. He had tears down his cheeks. I''m not sure why but I did get in the car. We didn''t say a word to each other and he drove me home.

The next day when he called I wouldn''t take his call. My family, who loved him wondered what was wrong. My mom said "did you have a fight?" and I couldn''t muster up the courage to tell her what happened. I said we had an argument. I did wind up calling him later that day. He asked if we could get together and I said yes. At this point I remember feeling really bad about myself, like I had done something wrong. He came over to my house and we talked (no one else was around) and he said how he was sorry, blah blah blah, and that it would never happen again. He seemed genuinely remorseful so I believed him. We dating for another couple of months and he never pushed me to be intimate with him and he never showed any violent tendencies.

Then one day right before Christmas he picked me up to go to our Christmas Dance at school. We got into the car and he said he hated the dress I was wearing, that it made me look fat and he hated my hair. He had never said anything like this before so again I was shocked. We went to the dance and for a while I didn''t know where he was. I was hanging out with my girlfriends and their boyfriends were not around too so we figured they were all together. A short time later the guys came back in and they all smelled like alcohol. I was so upset. At the end of the dance we left and we were supposed to meet our friends for dinner. Steve had other plans for us. He drove us back to his house where no one was home; I think his parents were at a wedding. Anway we sat on the couch and he again started kissing me and was trying to go further. I got off the couch and told him I wanted to go home. He grabbed me by the arm and I don''t remember what he said but he had that horrible look again. I begged him not to hit me but he slapped me again right across the face. Right after that his parents came home and I was sitting on the couch crying. His mom came over and Steve said I tripped and fell. She took one look at me and realized the welt on my cheek was not from a fall. His mom immediately said she was taking me home. We went to the car and she asked what really happened. I just started crying again. She asked if he had ever hit me before. I shyly said yes, one other time. She had tears in her eyes herself. She apologized over and over for his behaviour. Then she told me all about his childhood, how he was always the bully in class and took out his frustrations violently, but he had years of counseling and she thought he was over it. When she brought me home she said she wanted to talk to my parents. I fell asleep on the couch while they were talking but she was at my house until around 2 am. My mom told me the next day my dad was ready to kill him.

The next day I went to Steve''s house (knowing his parents were home) and gave him back his jacket. He didn''t say a word. Monday at school everyone couldn''t believe I had broken up with Steve. I didn''t tell anyone what happened. I remember a lot of girls talking behind my back that I wasn''t good enough for him. If only they knew. He was telling people things like I was old-fashioned and ugly. That hurt almost more than the slap did. Steve started spreading rumors about me; it was really starting to get ugly. Then one day a few months later, I confided in one of my best friends - a guy that was a senior that was also on the football team, about everything that had happened. He said he noticed a change in me after I started dating Steve. He couldn''t believe what I told him. The next day Steve came to school with him arm in a sling. My friend and others on the team had used him as the tackling dummy during the spring practice the day before. I''m not sure if that was the right way to handle it, but I did feel better.

I don''t know if Steve ever got help. I would like to think he did. He dated some other girl immediately after we broke up and they dated all senior year. I myself spoke to a counseler after this happened. It took me a long time to get my self esteem back up and realize I had done nothing wrong. I finally told my girlfriends what really happened a few years later when we were in college. I vowed never to let that happen to me again.

Tawn - I really hope your friend gets the help she needs. Be there for her but don''t be passive. Encourage her to get help. This has been going on too long. She needs to realize she does not deserve this.

I wish you a lot of luck.

 

[AGBF]

Pebbles,

Thank you so much for furthering this discussion. So many of us are ashamed that such a thing (or such things) could happen to us. Women have to be able to tell each other about these incidents, so that it isn''t treated as a secret shame for which the victim should be punished (like a rape victim in Pakistan or Afghanistan).

Your story reminds me forcibly of the story of Alex Kelly (believe me, no pun was intended!). He was a rich, handsome, popular guy in Darien, Connecticut who got away with raping and brutalizing his dates for years.

People have to know that nice looking, popular, intelligent men can be abusers. Abuse doesn''t happen only among the poor.

You done good breaking up with that maniac!!!

Deb

 

[widget]

Deb and Pebbles...

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. They are so valuable to hear.

Pebbles your story was particularly telling to me...that even after ONE episode, a young person can feel shame and degradation, and not "tell"....

If I had a young daughter, I''d insist she read these stories...

Thanks again..

widget

 

[movie zombie]

Deb, perhaps you can copy the appropriate e-mails and send them as an e-mail to your daughterr as a Pricescope gift to her.

Pebbles, thank you for sharing your story...it is an important story.

i very much believe these stories are a gift to young women who need to hear them. i believe the more open we are as women and the more our stories are told, the more empowered we are to be there for our daughters and the more empowered our daughters and future generations of women will be.

peace, movie zombie

eta: and the more motivated we are to make sure that our sons do not become bullies.

 

[pebbles]

You don''t have to thank me for sharing my story. I read this thread several times before I decided to post what happened. Thanks for giving ME the courage to do so.

I have a son and a daughter, granted both are toddlers, but my husband and I are really trying our best to raise them right so that neither one becomes a victim or an abuser. Even with our guidance, I realize that a lot of people are just chemically made up...well, differently.

I think that was the case with the guy I dated. He was an only child, and was so because he was such a rotten kid that his parents were afraid to have more for fear they would be the same way. (I found this out from his mom that night of the christmas dance). His parents were awesome and I know it broke his mom''s heart for him to behave like that. What he has/had would today be called bipolar, I think back when I was in high school it was called manic depressive. His parents did everything right by having him in therapy, yet he still had these violent tendencies. I don''t remember if they had the same medications they have today to treat this disorder; I don''t remember him being on any medication at the time.

I will tell both my son and daughter when they are older what happened. It actually took me a long time before I told my husband what had happened.

 

[movie zombie]

Pebbles, i know i don''t have to thank you but i do.

and it is important to note that you have an understanding of why he may have been the way he was. doesn''t change that what he did was wrong, but it helps at times to understand.

it is true that some people just seem to be ''wired'' a bit differently but your story can certainly teach young women that they don''t have to be bullied for any reason.

one can only wish that all parents were as concerned and responsible as that young man''s. for his mother to come to the house and talk with your parents was also an example to be followed.

peace, movie zombie

 

[cymbrie]

Wow, Deb and Pebbles Thank you guys so much for sharing really, I too dated someone who was bi-polar/manic depressive (he is actually the boyfriend I referred to in my story that threatened to confront the abusive guy). He was psychologically/mentally abusive but not physically abusive. It took a while to find all this out, for the behavior to manifest he was very good at hiding it. He was my first real boyfriend I had never dated in HS and I had never had any previous experience with mental illness. I didn''t find out the full magnitude of it until he landed in the psyche ward during spring break and the following term his parents were calling me to basically manage him on their behalf because they were out of state. Many destructive things transpired before I finally walked away from him including a few delusional mishaps that could easily have killed one or both of us and infidelity (hyper-sexuality is a known trait of bi-polar disorder). Honestly, it''s really only in hindsight with ten years behind me that I can see what an impact that relationship had. I certainly learned some valuable lessons though. It is very important for young women (young people actually) to learn boundaries both within themselves and those with whom they interact. More often than not unfortunately experience is the primary teacher. Deb and Pebbles I hope you are able to impart this wisdom to your children and that they do not have to suffer as you both have. Thank you again for your courage and willingness to share.

 

[tawn]

This thread has been a real eye opener for me. I know that the death rate for women being killed by their mates is one of the leading causes of death in the world, and that frightens the hell out of me. In this day and age, that violence against women is so tolerated and accepted is beyond my comprehension. And, that the women feel so much shame when they are the victims is just so wrong!

I spoke with my girlfriend today, and her husband actually apologized to her (a first) and they are seeking couples counseling and have really been talking to each other. I''m still going to try to talk her into personal counseling for her as well. She has hope that they''ll get past this and be happy. Makes me wonder how many couples make it through...and how many just go on repeating the past?

Thanks again to everyone for sharing their thoughts and stories...(((HUGS)))...it makes me proud that there are so many strong brilliant women out there!

 

[Kaleigh]

Tawn,
That''s good to hear. But I strongly hope she can seek out her own couseling as well. It''s a good start at least. You have been a terrific friend and I''m sure she is glad to have your support.

Keep us posted and I will keep my fingers crossed for them, and knock on wood for good measure.

 

[pebbles]

Tawn - I second Kaleigh''s thought that your friend should also seek counseling on her own. She need to be able to get herself strong, so in the even this happens again (which I hope to g*d does not), she has the mental strength to leave him.

It will be a rough road ahead. Like many other illnesses (alcoholism, for example) it seems like most people take 2 steps forward and 1 step back, and he obviously isn''t going to change his ways overnight. It is great that he actually IS going to go to counseling with her. I think that is a tremendous first step!

Widget -- Looking back, I am kind of amazed at the way I felt about myself too when all this was happening. I would have been the first person to tell one of my friends to get out of an abusive relationship, yet when it was me, I was so hard on myself. A lot of people think the high school years are the best years of your life -- I tend to disagree, not because of what happened to me, but because of the internal turmoil teenagers go through. The psyche is so fragile at that age; why do you think so many teens fall to peer pressure? My parents were great at trying to give me a high self esteem, but in the end, I had to believe in myself. I wish I had the confidence in myself back then that I do now.

 

[princessv]

I''ve kept up with this thread and I''ve been debating and debating on whether to post my story but the courage of Deb, Pebbles and cymbrie have given me the courage to share. I had originally PM''d tawn but I''m not sure if she got it.

So here goes...I was involved in a very physically/mentally abusive relationship for almost 4 years. It started out like all other stories started. We were play fighting one day and I accidentally hurt him and he slammed me hard into a wall. He apologized and I forgave him. It was always "it''ll never happen again. I''m sorry I don''t know my own strength." This was only after 2 months of dating. There are so many details, so many times that he hit/hurt me. I will share the worst times. He would always disappear for weekends when he decided he did not want to see me. The first time I questioned him about it so much and he claimed his ''uncle died of cancer.'' About a year later, we ended up attending the wedding of his ''dead'' uncle''s son where I found out his ''dead'' uncle was alive and well and taking pictures of his son getting married. I lost it and confronted him. He shoved me and started beating me for questioning him. Not wanting to cause a scene, I started walking and did not tell his parents (they hated me anyway). He begged me to leave with him and like an idiot I went. Things got so bad on the way home, and I did not tell my parents what happened, but the next morning, the bruises, the fact I was in so much pain and couldn''t move my left wrist at all went noticed and they immediately took me to the ER. The official hospital report said multiple contusions and a fractured left wrist. My parents made me file charges, two counts of assault and battery in fact and told me to NEVER see him again.

I stayed with him in secret for another year. The next major occasion that I ended up being really hurt was when he disappeared again for a weekend. He left his cellphone with me one day and a phonecall came through, I picked up it was an older married woman and she was surprised as well. She told me he had cheated on me many a time with her. I confronted him and told him he was going to stop seeing her but he wouldn''t. In fact at one point he got angry because he was on the phone with her and I gave him an ultimatium. He slammed my head into a brick wall and for the second time I went to the ER only this time I was unconscious. My parents didn''t find out and I stupidly did not file charges. This all happened on a college campus so by the time I recovered consciousness (about 1-2 hours later) he told the doctor that it was an accident that involved drinking (although I didn''t drink at all) his roommate corroborated.

I still tried to work things out for a few more months. Eventually, my best girlfriend told me it was either him or her. By this time, I had lost ALL my friends. They were afraid of him. I had a hard time evaluating. I was so blinded...this was my first serious relationship I was 16 when I first met him. I did find the courage in me, somewhere though to leave. He and his parents (who didn''t believe me although there were pictures taken by the hospital, in fact they had the audacity to call my parents to tell us to drop the charges...that the SAME thing happened to their daughter and they resolved it out of court. What kind of parents are OK with their daughter getting abused?!) convinced me to drop the charges. For about a year after, I ended up blaming myself as if everything was my fault. I started drinking very heavily and going out all the time. My grades dropped. I almost didn''t get into grad school. Looking back, my parents NEVER mentioned the incident. I wish I could have asked for counseling. To today, not a single day goes by that I do not think about what happened in some way. (sometimes it''s just a second other days are worse) My best friend was great through it all once I took the step to leave. I worked with battered women over this past summer a bit, the recurring theme is either 1) they are afraid to leave or 2) afraid once they leave, they will be alone. I am very fortunate.

Ironically, two months after I left him he met someone else...this time a girl 6 years younger than him (17) in high school and they were engaged two months later. I used to think its because I wasn''t good enough to find anyone and ''no one would ever love me'' the way he did (his favorite line). But with time, I realized that I needed the healing period, the time to reevaluate. I am newly and happily engaged now to my fiance and I now know what real love what a real relationship is supposed to be. My fiance had to be very patient and understanding with me at first...when we first started dating, he would get angry and I would seriously, cower in a corner like an abused animal. Nowadays, we do fight like every couple does and I''m not afraid something will happen if I voice my opinion.

It has now been a little more than three years since I left him, but he still tries to contact me. He has threatened my fiance anonymously (last year) and I was afraid for awhile again since I moved cross country. One of the few times where he called and I answered he tries to tell me how much he wants me back..how things will be different. I''m not falling for that crap anymore. When my fiance and I got engaged, I received a message from him saying "Well I guess we aren''t talking anymore...congrats to you and your ''new'' love." It really made me angry that 1) he had the audacity to contact me as if we actually talk and 2) my fiance and I have been together for awhile over 1 1/2 years.

I used to believe that everyone has a good side to them. He has made me realize that there are evil people in this world that do not change. He however changed me alot. I gained alot of weight, stopped wearing makeup or caring about the way I looked was miserable on the inside. This was also due to the verbal abuse I endured he called me fat, ugly etc etc. My parents recently told me how proud they are of me and how much I''ve changed in the past few years. I was able to get in a really lowly ranked law school, worked hard and transferred to a top 20 school. Everyday no matter how slight, I feel more of my old self returning. Yes, I am now quite opininated at times and my fiance loves to tell me that I wear the pants in the relationship as a joke.

It was very hard for me to share this and I certainly hope that other women will learn from my experience. Trust me, the hardest step is not actually leaving as I left him many a time...but actually STAYING AWAY. All women are beautiful and strong and should NEVER have to be treated the way I was. The biggest accomplishment of my life was leaving him and I would have never been able to do it without the support from my best friend and I believed in myself. I am better than that. It''s not that someone ever really gets over something like this...I will always remember and this whole incident has shaped who I am in a way.(Sorry for the really long post but I really do hope this helps!)

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 12/10/2005 4:38:00 PM
Author: princessv

Eventually, my best girlfriend told me it was either him or her. By this time, I had lost ALL my friends.

while we want to be there for our friends, our friends have to show that they are there for themselves. and thank god you took her seriously.

princessv, you are a star in the here and now. i am so glad you have found yourself and real love. i wish you both a very very very happy holiday season.

storm, perhaps we should send you around with a pipe [i''ll supply the pipe] for a visit with this jerk that just won''t give up.

peace, movie zombie

 

[Kaleigh]

princessv,
I am so happy you got out of that releationship and have found true happiness now. Thanks for sharing your story. Took a lot of courage. It will help more people than you will ever know.

 

[Mara]

Wow what an emotional thread...the stories here are so sad, but I'm glad that the women involved all found a way to empower themselves and better their situations.

Abuse is never acceptable, any type, verbal, emotional, physical. Life is too short. But unfortunately many of the women who find themselves in that situation have given up their 'power' and either love the guy too much to leave him or are too afraid to leave him or end up on their own. Afraid of what may be out there, if it's worse than what they have.

The only time I have ever had to potentially get physical with anyone was with a loser boyfriend that one of my good friends was dating, he had no respect towards women or her friends or really for himself either. Mad issues. Anyhow we were at a birthday party at a bar/lounge for her with all her friends and he knew I couldn't stand him (aka she'd say 'oh but you don't see who he really is, aka in private'...but what he showed everyone else in public was pure assclown), and he walked by me and grabbed my butt and kept walking. It took me a second to react and the bar was crowded, but as soon as I realized what happened, I literally LUNGED across 2 or 3 people to grab him by the arm and I wrenched him to a stop. He was about 6'1" and 195 lbs or similar, not a small guy. He turned to me in surprise, the shock on his face was almost laughable, and I unleashed a litany of profane words on him, something along the lines of Don't you dare to ever touch me again, insertmanychoicewordshere. It took Greg a minute to react, but as soon as he saw my death grip on this guy's arm and the look on his face, he came over and said 'Is there a problem here'...the whole time I was just staring the death glare into this guys' eyes. He mumbled 'No' and I let him go and called him one more name, and then he went off. Then Greg said, 'Okay time to go!' I never saw him again, thank god she got rid of him later after she'd alienated some friends and FINALLY realized he had too many issues for her to 'fix' him or deal with it...etc. Greg said that he was afraid of what I was going to do to him, the look on my face meant business. Oh and I should say that I have never ever been in a 'fight' or anything like that in my life ever, I don't even know if I'd know what to do in a situation like that...but adrenaline and my rage had just taken over at the time and I just acted. Later the guy said through my friend that he was just trying to be funny, SO not funny.

It may sound extreme to react so strongly to what he did, but the act was pure disrespect and meant to be controlling, and that he had the gall to touch my person, and I was not going to stand for that. I wouldn't stand for that from ANYONE. No one should have to.

But bottom line, Tawn, is that you cannot really help your friend until she's really ready to help herself. You can be there for her, be a good friend, but it is a draining experience to watch someone you love be in a relationship like that, I can't even imagine if this guy was abusing my friend physically or anything like that...it was bad enough that he treated her fairly badly and emotionally played with her mind. I had to really separate myself from her much of the time because I couldn't stand to watch or think about how she was wasting time and emotion on someone who did not deserve it or her. So I'd say hang in there and let her know you are there for her, but be sure to also protect yourself emotionally and not get TOO invested in it, or else you will worry yourself sick over her. I tell my Mom this all the time about my sister, she is somewhat naiive and my Mom worries about her alot, but I tell her she's an adult now and she has to make her own decisions. Let her know you are there for her, but she has to live her own life and make her own choices.

One last suggestion is that you can possibly help her get into counseling just by herself. Possibly if she can talk to someone and get all her issues and fears out there, she may be able to slowly build up her own self-esteem and win back her own power, she will realize that she is better than that and deserves much more out of her life and someone who loves her.

 

[AGBF]

Oh, my God, princessv, you have so much courage! You are truly wonderful. I did not know if my sharing, earlier, was going to help a single woman. When pebbles and cymbie shared, too, I knew that they would help others. Your story is so immensely powerful that I know it will help other women.

When someone shares as deeply as you have, it makes other people know that it is "safe", at least with some other people, to tell about what happened to them and how sometimes they did not instantly put a stop to it!

Domestic violence is insidious because it is not black and white. The violence is clearly "black", but there are often "white" parts to the relationship. It is easy for an outsider to see that something is WRONG with violence of any kind; it is often harder for the woman who has imbued her boyfriend, lover, or spouse with qualities she fantasizes he had and who also sees the good things he has done and that she has shared with him.

Some women would NOT take being abused (verbally or physically) more than once. If a man was abusive once, they would be out of there. But others keep looking for the good.

Your story is very powerful. Thank you so much for being so open.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[tawn]

Date: 12/10/2005 6:06:11 PM
Author: AGBF


Oh, my God, princessv, you have so much courage! You are truly wonderful. I did not know if my sharing, earlier, was going to help a single woman. When pebbles and cymbie shared, too, I knew that they would help others. Your story is so immensely powerful that I know it will help other women.

When someone shares as deeply as you have, it makes other people know that it is ''safe'', at least with some other people, to tell about what happened to them and how sometimes they did not instantly put a stop to it!

Domestic violence is insidious because it is not black and white. The violence is clearly ''black'', but there are often ''white'' parts to the relationship. It is easy for an outsider to see that something is WRONG with violence of any kind; it is often harder for the woman who has imbued her boyfriend, lover, or spouse with qualities she fantasizes he had and who also sees the good things he has done and that she has shared with him.

Some women would NOT take being abused (verbally or physically) more than once. If a man was abusive once, they would be out of there. But others keep looking for the good.

Your story is very powerful. Thank you so much for being so open.

Hugs,
Deb

I would definitely be in the "once" is too many category...and would be out the door! Or posibly the lead pipe method mentioned earlier!

So, everyone''s stories have really helped me gain clearer insight to the "why" some people are still in relationships where they aren''t being treated as they should. I''m meeting my girlfriend for lunch tomorrow, so I''ll share some of the stories and continue to urge her towards private counseling!

Thank you!