What if he couldn''t afford the ring and....

[CrookedRock]

EmptyLeftHanded''s thread got me thinking about something that I have been forced to think about recently. While I think, as we all basically agreed in that thread, that each couple has to do what is right for them...

What if he wasn''t able to pay for your ring, yet he didn''t tell you that? How would you feel...

1~ If he told you his MOM was going to buy your ring?
or
2~ He let his MOM pay for the ring and he didn''t tell you and you found out down the road.

For those of you that followed the other thread, you can probably guess how I feel, but I will reserve my comments until later.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hrm. I realize other people will have differing feelings on this, but my gut reactions were:

1. Ewww. An engagement ring (in my mind) should be about the couple. Family shouldn''t be involved unless the ring is a family heirloom. I''d be very disappointed if he didn''t feel comfortable talking to me about finances, since that''s the main thing couples fight about. His unwillingness to talk to me about it would probably make me hesitate on accepting the proposal at that time.

2. Grrrr and ewwww. I''d be upset about the fact that he would pass a significant gift off as being from him when in fact it was (technically) from someone else. I know J wouldn''t be able to do this, since a friend of his passed on a small but lovely sapphire necklace for J to give to me and he immediately blurted out that this mutual friend had really given it to him to give to me. The friend admonished J for telling me, but really, honesty is the best policy, and J didn''t want to take credit for something he didn''t earn. Leaving out the very (in my opinion) important fact that the engagement ring was bought by his mom would be a sizeable sin of omission and I would be quite angry with him if I found out later.

 

[CrookedRock]

Thanks for biting Gwen!
I guess I should say that she thought he could buy the ring bc he led her to believe that he had money.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I can see both sides of the issue you purposed...

First of all, I think a good relationship comes from a place of honesty. I think that a couple that seriously wants to get married should be open and honest, first and foremost, about the reality of their situation. If he cannot afford the ring of her dreams, while unfortunate, if she loves him--that should be a non issue, since a ring simply a symbol of an engagement, not an engagement in and of itself. Couples have so many options now...colored stones, eternity bands, upgrade policies. I think money should never be a deciding factor in weither you commit to spending your lives together. I mean, essentially, a marriage is a union of growth, right? She could a ring he could afford at the time, and upgrade later as they become for stable financally.

Now...

If my DH''s mom bought my ring (which she would never, ever, not in a million do btw), I would feel weird. Not that I wouldn''t appreciate the sentiment, or the meaning...but I think that it just opens the door for a lot of things you don''t want walking into your engagement. I''d much prefer a ring he could afford to a ring bought by someone (anyone) else.

And the only way I would possibly feel any weirder, would be if I found out about it after the fact. Again, it goes to honesty. If he felt like to get me a nice ring he had to go thru his Mommy...I''d rather him come to me about it first....so I could tell him NO, N-O.

When you are starting your own family, it''s between the two of you...and, I guess maybe it''s just my own MIL and how she treats me, but I''d feel like it was something hoovering over our heads. I think I would feel like she felt if we couldn''t get our own ring, we weren''t really adult enough to have our own family. As it is, even with my DH buying my ering all on his own, I think sometimes she has a hard time grasping that WE are our own family unit...included but also seperate from theirs.

However, on a side note...my parents gifted us our wedding bands (which is a tradition in my family). We paid for them upfront, however on our wedding day they gave us a cheque in the full ammount. However, its always been assumed in my large Jewish/Italian family that the rings were part of the ceremony, which is part of the wedding, which is entirely the brides families responsibility.

And, in case you were wondering, I believe in family stones 110%. Thats completely different.

 

[decodelighted]

Are women really relying on the size/cost of their engagement ring to judge how much MONEY their man has? Seriously??? Most couples I know have full financial disclosure. There''s no "guessing game" or trying to impress or whatever that would be.

FWIW -- my sister was proposed to with a ring that her then fiance''s parents purchased as a gift to their son way before my sister was ever in the picture. They bought both of their sons lovely one carat diamonds as a gesture of "equality" with their daughter -- as they would be paying for her future wedding. When he wanted to marry my sister, he had it set in a style suited for her and proposed. This was NO indication of his financial ability or future earning ability. They were both law school students at the time and are quite wealthy now. Even as a partner in a high-end law firm, she wears that same original, gifted-by-in-laws ring proudly.

How different is this from an heirloom ring really? No one is "paying" for that either. I find the idea that a man must pony up $$ in order to prove himself or his worth QUITE crass.

 

[fieryred33143]

That depends if he were on a payment plan with the mom. It would be smarter for him to get the loan from mom that is probably interest free than to get it elsewhere and incur interest charges.

Now if it were something where mom paid and chose the ring, then that''s a no no.

Personally, if he can''t afford a temporary $250 band to propose with (cause you don''t need bling) then we probably aren''t in a good position to get married.

 

[CrookedRock]

Date: 8/13/2008 9:01:11 AM
Author: decodelighted
Are women really relying on the size/cost of their engagement ring to judge how much MONEY their man has? Seriously??? Most couples I know have full financial disclosure. There''s no ''guessing game'' or trying to impress or whatever that would be.

Deco, no one ever said that. For some reason you keep bringing up size, which has not been mentioned in this thread. I didn''t even mention what the ring was. Just that it wasn''t paid for by him, and that she does not know that.

How different is this from an heirloom ring really? No one is ''paying'' for that either. I find the idea that a man must pony up $$ in order to prove himself or his worth QUITE crass.

I actually think it is quite different than an heirloom ring.
Also I never said a man had to pay a ton of money to prove himself! You''re right, that is ridicilous!

 

[Lauren8211]

I do not feel at all that the money makes the ring. I do feel, however, that an engagement is about the couple. Heirloom diamonds aside (because I feel like thats a whole separate issue), you should get what you can afford. Be it 1 dollar or 1 million dollars. Someone going to their mom to buy me jewelry that represents our future together makes me wonder what else he''d go to mom for during our marriage.

Maybe it''s just my bad experience with mama''s boys, but I''d prefer to get no ring at all than to have mom pay for it. I''d also not be happy if mom paid for it and was lied to about it.

I''d like to think the engagement is the first step to becoming our own family, and I''d like to leave mom out of it.

 

[neatfreak]

I probably wouldn''t feel comfortable with it...simply because my DH and I DO have full disclosure about $ and I would be ticked off if he was keeping secrets like that from me. I''d much rather have a plain band of some kind than have his mom pay for my ring.

Asking mom to pay for something like that would signal to me that the person really isn''t ready to be independent from their parents yet and THAT is a problem for me.

 

[bee*]

Date: 8/13/2008 9:26:21 AM
Author: neatfreak
I probably wouldn''t feel comfortable with it...simply because my DH and I DO have full disclosure about $ and I would be ticked off if he was keeping secrets like that from me. I''d much rather have a plain band of some kind than have his mom pay for my ring.


Asking mom to pay for something like that would signal to me that the person really isn''t ready to be independent from their parents yet and THAT is a problem for me.

Yeah I''d be the same. D and I have always been financially open with each other so it would really bother me if his mother had bought my e-ring. I would have rather put money into it myself.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Awkward.

I''m not big on parents paying for anything--I didn''t want my parents paying for my college education, I didn''t want my parents paying for my wedding. D also paid his way through college and would never consider taking a dime from his parents. This is a big deal for me, I wouldn''t marry a man who allowed his parents to pay for ANYTHING. I''m an adult and want to marry a fellow adult.

I''ve never cared enough about the ring itself to warrant stretching financially to afford it. If it was important to him, I can understand that. If his parents WANTED to help, I would hope he would have the integrity to say "this is important to me and it''s something I want to do myself, but thank you". And if he went to them asking for money, I would reject the ring and most likely the proposal.

 

[iluvcarats]

I think that it all depends on the relationship you have with your family. We were young when we got engaged, still in school, and I don''t really know who paid for my ER because DH picked it out. He had his own money, but has very generous parents, and I would not be surprised if they paid for it. I love his parents very much, they are more like my parents then my own are, and I would not hesitate giving them any amount of money or doing anything for them that they needed. I also would do the same for my own children. If my son was in school and wanted to get married, I would give him money to buy a ring. It would be a pleasure. My FIL still tries to pay for stuff. His morbid sense of humor is "Take it now, or take it later..."

BTW, DH proposed w/o a ring, and I said yes. I was just thrilled that he asked.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/13/2008 8:46:17 AM
Author: CrookedRock
Thanks for biting Gwen!

I guess I should say that she thought he could buy the ring bc he led her to believe that he had money.

So he''s perpetuating the façade that he has his own money saved/put aside when in fact he''s just taking a hand out from a parent? This dishonesty, and immature dishonesty in my opinion. What kind of a marriage will they have if he wants to keep up appearances with his own wife and not be honest about what they can afford or can''t?

Here''s how I can see this sort of relationship progressing, based on very limited info given (in other words, I''m making grand assumptions because details aren''t available

). I think that either (1) he''ll live his life tied to his momma''s apron strings and their marriage will essentially have three people in it, (2) he''ll turn to his credit card to pick up where his mom used to contribute (and land them eventually in a large pit of debt), or (3) he''ll learn that he doesn''t have to buy things to impress anyone and tries to be happy with the things he can afford with his own (or their own) money.

I''d be hoping for numero tres (which is probably evident from the way I phrased things

), although maybe some people wouldn''t be that bothered about getting things (essentially) for free. But then again, is anything really free? Wouldn''t he (and eventually she) end up feeling endebted to the mother? It''s an interesting question, but for me, I''d rather be poor and independent than (seemingly) rich and beholden to my parents for the whole of my life.

 

[Babyblue033]

Date: 8/13/2008 9:18:20 AM
Author: elledizzy5
I''d like to think the engagement is the first step to becoming our own family, and I''d like to leave mom out of it.

Ditto. If that start involves an inexpensive plain band or no ring at all, then so be it. I''m quite sentimental about the ring and I wouldn''t want to wear a ring that basically someone else purchased for me

(Family jewels aside of course, they have different sentimental values and I do appreciate that)

 

[Booper717]

I would be very upset. I mean unless he didn''t have the money and asked for a loan from mom, but still... if he dosn''t have any money for an e-ring and can''t talk to you about what your views on the situation are first, then maybe he''s better left unengaged to.

The only situation that I can think of where it might be %20 OKAY is if he had just droped a huge amount of money on something more/equaly important. Ex: He just bought a house and wanted to totaly surprise you by proposeing but didn''t have the cash for the ring... in that situation it might be OKAY to get a loan from mom, but only if he had every intent on paying it back as quickly as possible. Even then.. idk... if i was in that situation I may not like it.

The thing that would bother me the most is being left in the dark. In this situation that we''re talking about did the girl ask about the payment of the e-ring? Or did the guy make it seem like he paid? Or was there just no talk what-so-ever about the payment method?


Interesting topic. All I know is that I''d want the e-ring to be from my SO or even a purchase that we made together before I''d ever want to have a FMIL involved. Having family involved with money issues only leads to problems IMHO.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/13/2008 10:28:24 AM
Author: gwendolyn
I''d rather be poor and independent than (seemingly) rich and beholden to my parents for the whole of my life.

See I just don''t get this. Why is a man any more "beholden" to his parents if he accepts an engagement ring ... than a women would be for accepting a 20-50K WEDDING?? No one thinks that SHE''s

* a deadbeat

or

* not mature enough to get married

Why the double-standard?? I think some folks are REALLY romanticizing this ring thing. For my sister it was purely practical. And its not like she had a choice? What ... not MARRY the dude because his parents tried to even out the gifts amongst their children? They''ve been married ten years -- have two homes & a few boats -- none of which has been paid for by EITHER sets of in-laws. All their own $$$. I can ASSURE you that my sister & BIL don''t feel "beholden" to his parents for a 1 ct. diamond -- nor do they to my parents who paid for 90% of their wedding.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 8/13/2008 8:31:14 AM
Author:CrookedRock
EmptyLeftHanded''s thread got me thinking about something that I have been forced to think about recently. While I think, as we all basically agreed in that thread, that each couple has to do what is right for them...

What if he wasn''t able to pay for your ring, yet he didn''t tell you that? How would you feel...

1~ If he told you his MOM was going to buy your ring?
or
2~ He let his MOM pay for the ring and he didn''t tell you and you found out down the road.

For those of you that followed the other thread, you can probably guess how I feel, but I will reserve my comments until later.

I guess i would be fine with either way ONLY if it was communicated. for us, we (he, me, parents) cannot afford anything over 2000 so i guess i would be pretty to''d he let him mom buy something more.

My good friends, the mom bought the ering for her son, and then once it was on my friends finger, they paid the mom back as soon as possible.

I guess all the really matters is, is it from the heart (no matter who''s pocket) and it it within reason?

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:22:22 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/13/2008 10:28:24 AM

Author: gwendolyn

I'd rather be poor and independent than (seemingly) rich and beholden to my parents for the whole of my life.

See I just don't get this. Why is a man any more 'beholden' to his parents if he accepts an engagement ring ... than a women would be for accepting a 20-50K WEDDING?? No one thinks that SHE's


* a deadbeat


or


* not mature enough to get married


Why the double-standard?? I think some folks are REALLY romanticizing this ring thing. For my sister it was purely practical. And its not like she had a choice? What ... not MARRY the dude because his parents tried to even out the gifts amongst their children? They've been married ten years -- have two homes & a few boats -- none of which has been paid for by EITHER sets of in-laws. All their own $$$. I can ASSURE you that my sister & BIL don't feel 'beholden' to his parents for a 1 ct. diamond -- nor do they to my parents who paid for 90% of their wedding.

Deco: I see your sis's situation differently personally. It sounds like there was full disclosure about where the stone came from, yes? That is my big issue here, a guy asking mom to PURCHASE a ring for his fiance without discussing it with his future fiance first. I would be ticked off if my DH had proposed to me with a ring he had his mother purchase FOR ME, then tried to pass it off as if he had been scrimping and saving to buy it for me ya know? If it was disclosed that the stone was bought by the parents as a gift to the son for another reason, that is a different thing IMO.

What your sis's husband got was a gift from his parents much as a wedding is (IMO), going to mom and dad to ask for $ to buy a ring is different IMO.

 

[Lauren8211]

I don''t know how "right" this view is, but personally, I view the ring as a promise from your future husband to wed. I think this ring should come from him, and him alone. Parents should stay out of it.

I view parents paying for the wedding as a gift from them to congratulate you on starting your new life. Parents are typically very involved in a wedding. Not so much in a proposal.

This may be old-fashioned, or be a double-standard, or however anyone chooses to see it, but that''s my opinion. Thats why I feel strongly about the ring being from HIM, regardless of cost.

Just like the ring, if my parents were not offering to pay for the wedding, we''d get by on what we could afford.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:29:04 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 8/13/2008 11:22:22 AM

Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/13/2008 10:28:24 AM


Author: gwendolyn


I''d rather be poor and independent than (seemingly) rich and beholden to my parents for the whole of my life.

See I just don''t get this. Why is a man any more ''beholden'' to his parents if he accepts an engagement ring ... than a women would be for accepting a 20-50K WEDDING?? No one thinks that SHE''s



* a deadbeat



or



* not mature enough to get married



Why the double-standard?? I think some folks are REALLY romanticizing this ring thing. For my sister it was purely practical. And its not like she had a choice? What ... not MARRY the dude because his parents tried to even out the gifts amongst their children? They''ve been married ten years -- have two homes & a few boats -- none of which has been paid for by EITHER sets of in-laws. All their own $$$. I can ASSURE you that my sister & BIL don''t feel ''beholden'' to his parents for a 1 ct. diamond -- nor do they to my parents who paid for 90% of their wedding.

Deco: I see your sis''s situation differently personally. It sounds like there was full disclosure about where the stone came from, yes? That is my big issue here, a guy asking mom to PURCHASE a ring for his fiance without discussing it with his future fiance first. I would be ticked off if my DH had proposed to me with a ring he had his mother purchase FOR ME, then tried to pass it off as if he had been scrimping and saving to buy it for me ya know? If it was disclosed that the stone was bought by the parents as a gift to the son for another reason, that is a different thing IMO.


What your sis''s husband got was a gift from his parents much as a wedding is (IMO), going to mom and dad to ask for $ to buy a ring is different IMO.

I agree with neatfreak - the situations are very different. She brings up a good point - honesty.

Deco - you also bring up a good point about the double standard - everyone just assumes (even if it isn''t so) that the bride''s family pays for the wedding, and no one gives it a second thought!

 

[trillionaire]

I keep thinking about this thread, but I can''t decide how I feel about it...

 

[CrookedRock]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:29:04 AM
Author: neatfreak
Deco: I see your sis''s situation differently personally. It sounds like there was full disclosure about where the stone came from, yes? That is my big issue here, a guy asking mom to PURCHASE a ring for his fiance without discussing it with his future fiance first. I would be ticked off if my DH had proposed to me with a ring he had his mother purchase FOR ME, then tried to pass it off as if he had been scrimping and saving to buy it for me ya know? If it was disclosed that the stone was bought by the parents as a gift to the son for another reason, that is a different thing IMO.

What your sis''s husband got was a gift from his parents much as a wedding is (IMO), going to mom and dad to ask for $ to buy a ring is different IMO.

It really is a completely different situation.
I don''t think she knows that the ring was purchased by his mother.(although I''m quite positive) Even if she did know, she would never admit it to anyone.

Sidenote... I think the gift that deco speaks of is fine. My FI have been discussing buying me a nice pair of earrings, and one of the things we thought would be neat is if we were to have sons, we could give them each a diamond from my earrings to use as engagement rings. Just a thought we had... But a totally different subject.

**See I just don''t get this. Why is a man any more "beholden" to his parents if he accepts an engagement ring ... than a women would be for accepting a 20-50K WEDDING?? No one thinks that SHE''s a deadbeat.... deco

Maybe bc his parents aren''t proposing to HIM...
And her accepting a wedding... not everyone does that either. Plenty of people have chimed in to say that they didn''t want their parents paying for either.
And I never said anything about a deadbeat, but then again if a man can''t even save up for some type of a ring (including a $100 band) by the time he *thinks* he''s ready to get married, well... You said it not me...

 

[Bliss]

My first instinct was to write that it would not matter. But upon reflection, my first choice would be that my FI paid for the ring. I wouldn't care if it were just a silver band so long as it came 100% from him. Then again, lots of trust funders buy ERs with family money. I don't see the big deal. In my family, family money is my money. It's not about control but a pool of shared resources like a big safety net or support network in case and for big events like buying a home or etc.

If the Mom always acted like the ER were hers and made the DIL feel beholden, you can bet I wouldn't accept it! But if the MIL was a loving one who saw me as her own daughter, it would be my pleasure and joy for her to participate in such a special thing, like the making of a new heirloom. I guess it depends on the Mama!

I don't see why money is always such a touchy topic. LOL. It's just money, people!!!!

 

[TravelingGal]

These are all very western opinions (which make sense because most of you are from western cultures!)

Personally, I wouldn''t be a fan, but I''d be more understanding depending on who I married. Koreans are all about family...your family marrying his family, if that makes sense. It''s not uncommon for the guy''s fam to want to help with or buy the ring.

So if the guy''s mom bought me the ring and I knew about it in advance, I''d probably be fine with it. I''d have a hard time declining too, because if it''s a cultural thing, I wouldn''t want to insult his family.

When I was in my 20''s, a few gals that I knew had rings purchased by their FI''s parents. All the Korean women I knew were nonchalant about it, but a lot of the American women totally judged the guy based on this fact, which I felt was ignorant, especially once they knew it was a cultural thing.

As for your second question, I wouldn''t like to be in the dark about anything...ring or otherwise.

I think having his mom pay for the ring is no different than accepting a heirloom diamond. The parents are giving him a gift either way...one is just masked by sentimentality, is all.

 

[CrookedRock]

Date: 8/13/2008 10:28:24 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 8/13/2008 8:46:17 AM
Author: CrookedRock
Thanks for biting Gwen!

I guess I should say that she thought he could buy the ring bc he led her to believe that he had money.

So he''s perpetuating the façade that he has his own money saved/put aside when in fact he''s just taking a hand out from a parent? This dishonesty, and immature dishonesty in my opinion. What kind of a marriage will they have if he wants to keep up appearances with his own wife and not be honest about what they can afford or can''t?

Here''s how I can see this sort of relationship progressing, based on very limited info given (in other words, I''m making grand assumptions because details aren''t available

). I think that either (1) he''ll live his life tied to his momma''s apron strings and their marriage will essentially have three people in it, (2) he''ll turn to his credit card to pick up where his mom used to contribute (and land them eventually in a large pit of debt), or (3) he''ll learn that he doesn''t have to buy things to impress anyone and tries to be happy with the things he can afford with his own (or their own) money.

I''d be hoping for numero tres (which is probably evident from the way I phrased things

), although maybe some people wouldn''t be that bothered about getting things (essentially) for free. But then again, is anything really free? Wouldn''t he (and eventually she) end up feeling endebted to the mother? It''s an interesting question, but for me, I''d rather be poor and independent than (seemingly) rich and beholden to my parents for the whole of my life.

Gwen I hear ya on hoping for #3, but it''s not really him, nor is it her. I personally feel they are in for a rude awakening when they get married and move in together. Really hoping for the best but only time will tell. I just don''t see the open honesty that should be used when getting married being used between them. Sad...

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:35:26 AM
Author: iluvcarats

I agree with neatfreak - the situations are very different. She brings up a good point - honesty.

Deco - you also bring up a good point about the double standard - everyone just assumes (even if it isn't so) that the bride's family pays for the wedding, and no one gives it a second thought!

Haha my parents do!

In Vietnam, my parents have told me that the groom's family traditionally pays for everything (and then some) because the other side is "losing" a daughter - sometimes very literally if she goes to live with her husband's family. My parents have explicitly stated to each of their five children that they will pay for half of everything (with minor tweaks here and there depending on the guests of each side, etc.) and expect my BF's family/BF to do the same. I think it's ridiculous that the bride's family is assumed to be footing the bill for the wedding, but I guess that's the "tradition." Personally, I would not want a ring from my BF's mother/family because I would feel like that's inviting too many people to the proposal party.

I guess I am old-fashioned in that I want my BF to work hard, save money, and present me with a ring as a token of his commitment to marry me, regardless of the carat size/cost.

ETA: Although I would not personally prefer it, I do not, however, think there's anything wrong with how people choose to buy/accept their engagement rings! If both sides are happy with the situation, to each his own.

 

[vita*dolce]

for me it would depend on whether or not he was financially stable... if his mom or dad just wanted to help out or had an heirloom ring or gave him a diamond to show equallity between daughters and sons i''d be happy to take that. i''d be happy to save that money for a down-payment on a house or a great honeymoon!!

 

[CrookedRock]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:47:42 AM
Author: TravelingGal
These are all very western opinions (which make sense because most of you are from western cultures!)

I think having his mom pay for the ring is no different than accepting a heirloom diamond. The parents are giving him a gift either way...one is just masked by sentimentality, is all.

Great point about our culture influencing our opinions on these things. It is so interesting to hear how other countries/cultures do things.

Copmparing this situation to the heirloom seems different to me though. I was offered an heirloom piece and I kindly declined it as an ering. If they would like to give it to me as a gift for a wedding present, anniversary, or what have you I think that would be incredible! I wanted my ering to be from HIM. With that being said... he could clearly afford to purchase a ring for me, which he did, and I am very grateful for. I don''t think that everytime an heirloom is offered it is bc there aren''t funds for something else.
This actual situation is about a guy who still depends on Mom for funds (more than the ring) and thinks he''s ready to be married. That''s where I see the problem.

 

[trillionaire]

a. I want the man more than the ring.
b. I do want the ring
c. If he can''t afford a ring, I can live without one
d. I still want the ring
e. If it''s offered to me, gratis, I will probably take it.

Now, I would love to be able to brag about what a wonderful ring SO got me, but I really don''t think I would care all that much in the end. I would buy my own ring, if I wanted one. I think families paying for rings is probably pretty common for people with a lot of wealth, but those of us in the middle prefer to have to scrounge as if it proves something. The sacrifice in money might represent putting forth effort for marriage, but women don''t do anything comparable. I always thought I would be stoked about an e-ring, but now I dream more of the day that we both have our wedding bands on and can enjoy marital bliss. And I would be fine with a $20 silver ring.

All of these things are just symbols, and the money is not a good investment. So if you save money and get what you want, for me, you just got lucky. If SO''s parents paid for a ring for me, I would be honored. To me, it would symbolize their loving embracing of me as part of their family. Kind of like "welcome to the family." I think that would be beautiful, and I could see my dad doing something like that.

*shrug*

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:51:54 AM
Author: IndyGirl22

Date: 8/13/2008 11:35:26 AM

Author: iluvcarats


I agree with neatfreak - the situations are very different. She brings up a good point - honesty.


Deco - you also bring up a good point about the double standard - everyone just assumes (even if it isn''t so) that the bride''s family pays for the wedding, and no one gives it a second thought!

Haha my parents do!

In Vietnam, my parents have told me that the groom''s family traditionally pays for everything (and then some) because the other side is ''losing'' a daughter - sometimes very literally if she goes to live with her husband''s family. My parents have explicitly stated to each of their five children that they will pay for half of everything (with minor tweaks here and there depending on the guests of each side, etc.) and expect my BF''s family/BF to do the same. I think it''s ridiculous that the bride''s family is assumed to be footing the bill for the wedding, but I guess that''s the ''tradition.'' Personally, I would not want a ring from my BF''s mother/family because I would feel like that''s inviting too many people to the proposal party.

I guess I am old-fashioned in that I want my BF to work hard, save money, and present me with a ring as a token of his commitment to marry me, regardless of the carat size/cost.


ETA: Although I would not personally prefer it, I do not, however, think there''s anything wrong with how people choose to buy/accept their engagement rings! If both sides are happy with the situation, to each his own.

Touche Indy!
I should have said no one but the people *PAYING* for the wedding give it a second thought