What if he couldn''t afford the ring and....

[Bliss]

Well, I think there are a lot of guys out there who depend on their families for shared wealth. Much of upper class NY is from family money, which has roots. It's deeper and wider than nouveau riche, who could go bankrupt with one or two catastrophes.

Donald Trump, for one. That's family money he made and lost and used to leverage in new investments to buy Melania that stunning rock! And his kids Donald Jr. and Ivanka... all their play toys and etc. come from family wealth. Nearly all the Rockefellers. The DuPonts. LOL. I am 100% sure their wives' e-rings were paid for via family money either directly or by handed down funds. Donald Jr. actually reportedly got his free or by substantial discount in exchange for publicity from a private jeweler. But you get my drift.

Hmmm... I think the sensitivity comes from the word MOM. Heehee. If you just said "family wealth" it might be more palatable? Bunny McDougal comes to mind when I think "His MOM paid for the engagement ring!" LOL. CHARLOTTE, YOU NEED A DUST RUFFLE!!!!! NOT TO HAVE ONE IS UNCIVILIZED!!!!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:59:27 AM
Author: CrookedRock
This actual situation is about a guy who still depends on Mom for funds (more than the ring) and thinks he''s ready to be married. That''s where I see the problem.

Why does your friend want to marry him then? It takes two to tango. If she accepts the ring (w/ or w/o knowing *exactly* where the $$ comes from) ... surely she must know on some level that he''s living off his family. I mean, YOU know. If she doesn''t know she''s in serious denial. Some people just brush over any little problems because they''re dying to get married. Dying for the fantasy version of life that''s being portrayed. If that''s the case, its sad. And probably short lived. Anyhoo - not much you can do about it.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/13/2008 12:11:18 PM
Author: Bliss
Well, I think there are a lot of guys out there who depend on their families for shared wealth. Much of upper class NY is from family money, which has roots. It''s deeper and wider than nouveau riche, who could go bankrupt with one or two catastrophes.

Donald Trump, for one. And his kids Donald Jr. and Ivanka. Nearly all the Rockefellers. The DuPonts. LOL. I am 100% sure their wives'' e-rings were paid for via family money either directly or by handed down funds. Donald Jr. actually reportedly got his free or by substantial discount in exchange for publicity from a private jeweler. But you get my drift.

Hmmm... I think the sensitivity comes from the word MOM. Heehee. If you just said ''family wealth'' it might be more palatable? Bunny McDougal comes to mind when I think ''His MOM paid for the engagement ring!'' LOL.

LOL You are dead on about that one!

 

[CrookedRock]

Date: 8/13/2008 12:11:31 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/13/2008 11:59:27 AM
Author: CrookedRock
This actual situation is about a guy who still depends on Mom for funds (more than the ring) and thinks he''s ready to be married. That''s where I see the problem.

Why does your friend want to marry him then? It takes two to tango. If she accepts the ring (w/ or w/o knowing *exactly* where the $$ comes from) ... surely she must know on some level that he''s living off his family. I mean, YOU know. If she doesn''t know she''s in serious denial. Some people just brush over any little problems because they''re dying to get married. Dying for the fantasy version of life that''s being portrayed. If that''s the case, its sad. And probably short lived. Anyhoo - not much you can do about it.

They''ve been together for about 5 years give or take some. He''s one of those " I have a big deal in the works..." kinda guys. which gives the illusion that he has money coming. I really don''t think that they discuss it. I couldn''t agree more that she has some serious denial issues. I guess sometimes ignorance is bliss. Just not for me

 

[Bliss]

Date: 8/13/2008 12:12:24 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 8/13/2008 12:11:18 PM
Author: Bliss
Well, I think there are a lot of guys out there who depend on their families for shared wealth. Much of upper class NY is from family money, which has roots. It''s deeper and wider than nouveau riche, who could go bankrupt with one or two catastrophes.

Donald Trump, for one. And his kids Donald Jr. and Ivanka. Nearly all the Rockefellers. The DuPonts. LOL. I am 100% sure their wives'' e-rings were paid for via family money either directly or by handed down funds. Donald Jr. actually reportedly got his free or by substantial discount in exchange for publicity from a private jeweler. But you get my drift.

Hmmm... I think the sensitivity comes from the word MOM. Heehee. If you just said ''family wealth'' it might be more palatable? Bunny McDougal comes to mind when I think ''His MOM paid for the engagement ring!'' LOL.

LOL You are dead on about that one!

CHARLOTTTTEEE!!!!!

Oh God, the episode where she''s bathing her adult son Trey?!

No way would I let Bunny McDougal buy my e-ring! Yes, in that case it would be no go.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Honestly, if it were my boyfriend he would NEVER ask for money because he has said this before. Not pertaining to a ring but more about when he was in school or bills...etc...so Im sure it would include the ring situation too. (Must be an ego thing. Like he is his own man, he can pay for stuff himself and doesn't need Mommy's money type situation.)

Now if money were just given to him....he would take it. She does send him money for holidays and some various times. (very different situation obviously. And of course, he didn't ask for it...) Otherwise if he couldn't afford the ring...he would just really never buy it until he could.

But, thats how he is. He has a lot of pride. lol!

So I guess Im saying he wouldn't let her pay for the ring. Not at all. If she did give him any amout of money for it, he probably wouldn't actually use that money for the ring...He probably wouldn't even tell her about the ring until after he got it or even until after he proposed anyway.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 8/13/2008 12:08:12 PM
Author: iluvcarats

Touche Indy!
I should have said no one but the people *PAYING* for the wedding give it a second thought

Hahaha I know what you meant! I definitely agree with you that it seems kind of a double standard with perceptions about who pays for the ring v. wedding costs. My parents will stay out of the ring buying, but are all about splitting the wedding.

 

[absolut_blonde]

For us, it would simply never happen. SO borrowed a bit from his mom for something else and he''s paying her back in full, plus interest (purely of his own doing, she would never ask or expect that).

But theoretically speaking? I''d be so turned off if a guy did that. Perhaps a bit hypocritical as I''m still somewhat financially dependent on MY parents (they pay for my car insurance and a few small bills as I''m still trying to get on my feet and get settled in this new city)... but I''d never put their money towards something for him. Plus, I will be financially independent by the time we actually get engaged.

 

[CrookedRock]

Date: 8/13/2008 1:03:06 PM
Author: IndyGirl22

Date: 8/13/2008 12:08:12 PM
Author: iluvcarats

Touche Indy!
I should have said no one but the people *PAYING* for the wedding give it a second thought

Hahaha I know what you meant! I definitely agree with you that it seems kind of a double standard with perceptions about who pays for the ring v. wedding costs. My parents will stay out of the ring buying, but are all about splitting the wedding.

I feel like people splitting the wedding is becoming more and more the norm these days. Also if one family is more well off than the other it is usually paid for that way (regardless of it being bride or grooms family). At least amongst our social circle.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

It depends on the mother and the man. If I am marrying a financially stable MAN who knows how to take care of himself and a family, and my future in-laws are decent loving parents, then I don''t give a flip where the ring money came from. Do I want Raymond Barrone''s mother or Bunny McDougal picking out my ring? NO!!!! But if my bf''s parents said, "we would like to give you the money to pay for the ring because we love you and want to contribute to this marriage," or "We''ll be paying for your sister''s wedding, and we''d like to give you the gift of an engagement ring for GP," then I have no problem with him accepting that gift.

I don''t care if he discloses this information during the proposal or not, as long as he acknowledges their gift soon after so that I can thank them appropriately. I guess for me personally, I know that my bf can take care of his money, and I know that his parents are nice. I would have no problem accepting a ring from him that his parents had paid for, as long as he picked it out himself. That being said, I happen to know he is paying for the ring himself because he let it slip that he had been saving for it.

If I had an attention-grabbing drama queen or whiny baby for a a FMIL, or I had had doubts in the past about my BF''s ability to manage his finances, then I would not want a ring his mother paid for because then it would be a matter of her "covering his butt" rather than a loving gift from parents.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

oops double post.

 

[Babyblue033]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:47:42 AM
Author: TravelingGal
These are all very western opinions (which make sense because most of you are from western cultures!)

Personally, I wouldn''t be a fan, but I''d be more understanding depending on who I married. Koreans are all about family...your family marrying his family, if that makes sense. It''s not uncommon for the guy''s fam to want to help with or buy the ring.

So if the guy''s mom bought me the ring and I knew about it in advance, I''d probably be fine with it. I''d have a hard time declining too, because if it''s a cultural thing, I wouldn''t want to insult his family.

When I was in my 20''s, a few gals that I knew had rings purchased by their FI''s parents. All the Korean women I knew were nonchalant about it, but a lot of the American women totally judged the guy based on this fact, which I felt was ignorant, especially once they knew it was a cultural thing.

As for your second question, I wouldn''t like to be in the dark about anything...ring or otherwise.

I think having his mom pay for the ring is no different than accepting a heirloom diamond. The parents are giving him a gift either way...one is just masked by sentimentality, is all.

Interesting, I had no idea and I was raised by fairly traditional Korean parents even though I grew up here. Not surprised or anything, given the overall views on families and how involved they tend to be in childrens'' marriages, but I can''t say I know of anyone personally who''s done this. As far as I can see Koreans aren''t that into the whole engagement ring thing, not the way we are here. They move on rather quickly to focusing on wedding, wedding ring, dowry (we still do this), etc but not much sentiment seems to be involved in the e-ring. Just my observation and could be the reason why Koreans have no problem with receiving an e-ring FMIL purchased *Shrug*

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 8/13/2008 12:07:33 PM
Author: trillionaire
a. I want the man more than the ring.
b. I do want the ring
c. If he can''t afford a ring, I can live without one
d. I still want the ring
e. If it''s offered to me, gratis, I will probably take it.

Now, I would love to be able to brag about what a wonderful ring SO got me, but I really don''t think I would care all that much in the end. I would buy my own ring, if I wanted one. I think families paying for rings is probably pretty common for people with a lot of wealth, but those of us in the middle prefer to have to scrounge as if it proves something. The sacrifice in money might represent putting forth effort for marriage, but women don''t do anything comparable. I always thought I would be stoked about an e-ring, but now I dream more of the day that we both have our wedding bands on and can enjoy marital bliss. And I would be fine with a $20 silver ring.

All of these things are just symbols, and the money is not a good investment. So if you save money and get what you want, for me, you just got lucky. If SO''s parents paid for a ring for me, I would be honored. To me, it would symbolize their loving embracing of me as part of their family. Kind of like ''welcome to the family.'' I think that would be beautiful, and I could see my dad doing something like that.

*shrug*

Trill - i really like your post. I agree. My Ering is coming from my gma, and boyf is only paying for the repairs. but its not really where the ring came from. just which finger it is going on.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:22:22 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/13/2008 10:28:24 AM

Author: gwendolyn

I'd rather be poor and independent than (seemingly) rich and beholden to my parents for the whole of my life.

See I just don't get this. Why is a man any more 'beholden' to his parents if he accepts an engagement ring ... than a women would be for accepting a 20-50K WEDDING?? No one thinks that SHE's


* a deadbeat


or


* not mature enough to get married


Why the double-standard?? I think some folks are REALLY romanticizing this ring thing. For my sister it was purely practical. And its not like she had a choice? What ... not MARRY the dude because his parents tried to even out the gifts amongst their children? They've been married ten years -- have two homes & a few boats -- none of which has been paid for by EITHER sets of in-laws. All their own $$$. I can ASSURE you that my sister & BIL don't feel 'beholden' to his parents for a 1 ct. diamond -- nor do they to my parents who paid for 90% of their wedding.

Um, thank you so much for the condescending eye-roll. I'm NOT accepting any amount of money for a wedding, thanks. We pay for the ring together, and we pay for the wedding together. I'm NOT going to be beholden to anyone for anything, and I don't want my life partner to be either.

For the record, I was talking about my personal preferences on the situation (something I think I made quite clear); therefore jumping to conclusions about what *I* would or would not do in relation to money was out of line.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/13/2008 1:34:42 PM
Author: Babyblue033

Date: 8/13/2008 11:47:42 AM
Author: TravelingGal
These are all very western opinions (which make sense because most of you are from western cultures!)

Personally, I wouldn''t be a fan, but I''d be more understanding depending on who I married. Koreans are all about family...your family marrying his family, if that makes sense. It''s not uncommon for the guy''s fam to want to help with or buy the ring.

So if the guy''s mom bought me the ring and I knew about it in advance, I''d probably be fine with it. I''d have a hard time declining too, because if it''s a cultural thing, I wouldn''t want to insult his family.

When I was in my 20''s, a few gals that I knew had rings purchased by their FI''s parents. All the Korean women I knew were nonchalant about it, but a lot of the American women totally judged the guy based on this fact, which I felt was ignorant, especially once they knew it was a cultural thing.

As for your second question, I wouldn''t like to be in the dark about anything...ring or otherwise.

I think having his mom pay for the ring is no different than accepting a heirloom diamond. The parents are giving him a gift either way...one is just masked by sentimentality, is all.

Interesting, I had no idea and I was raised by fairly traditional Korean parents even though I grew up here. Not surprised or anything, given the overall views on families and how involved they tend to be in childrens'' marriages, but I can''t say I know of anyone personally who''s done this. As far as I can see Koreans aren''t that into the whole engagement ring thing, not the way we are here. They move on rather quickly to focusing on wedding, wedding ring, dowry (we still do this), etc but not much sentiment seems to be involved in the e-ring. Just my observation and could be the reason why Koreans have no problem with receiving an e-ring FMIL purchased *Shrug*

I think you''re right...not a lot a hoopla into the engagement ring...so if he needs money, he needs money, no big deal. I also noticed that this happened mostly in my early 20''s...not seeing it so much now, so maybe it''s just parents helping their children out in general, and not necessarily tradition.

I guess I agree with a few posters that the ering is way too romanticized (and to each their own). They want it to be from HIM because HE is proposing and it has nothing to do with the parents. But that''s pretty hypocritical IMHO if she accepts money for a wedding, because it''s not like her parents are marrying him. And not many people would bat an eye if parents helped with a downpayment on a house, right? Does that make the couple immature and not worthy of buying a house since they should be ADULTS and a house is for THEM? Or what about a recent poster who asked about taking money from her parents for childcare? Gosh, since they''re YOUR kids, should you not accept help for anyone?

Some parents just want to help their kids out. Some kids choose to be totally financially independent, and that''s great. But if you think it''s OK to take money in some cases, but not an ering because that''s a proposal and special and HIM asking YOU to marry him, etc etc etc, well, I just don''t get it.

 

[choro72]

When we were in the process of looking for my ering, we told his dad about what stone we have decided on. His dad, being the oldest Taiwanese man who needs to show off to the world what a "big man" he is, freaked out. He said that he will give my then BF $6000 so PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get an at least 1C diamond, otherwise it will reflect badly on BF (yeah, uh huh).
We just said thank you, we will consider it, and left. On the way home I told BF that this is the first step towards OUR married lives, to me that means no financial help from parents unless we are desperate, and desperate we were not. I told him that there is no way I am accepting a ring that his father contributed to. I told him that I would rather have a piece of kite string that he gave me rather than a huge rock that he couldn't afford without his dad's help.
We are now planning our wedding, and we accepted cash from his dad because he was hopping up and down about having a Saturday dinner with the most expensive food, and he wasn't going to have it any other way. I told FI that I throw my hands up, and his dad can have it his way as long as he paid for the extra expense that we don't care about having.

On a similar note;
FI had bought his house before we met, and he told me that his parents contributed to his down payment. I will be honest that when I first heard this I was very uneasy. None of my family had help from my grandparents buying a house, and to me needing help that way showed lack of independence. But I understand now that it made practical sense back then, and that sometimes borrowing money that way can be truly about parents and child making a business deal that works for both.
He has now finished paying them back, and he also gives them monthly cash allowance (Asian way).

 

[galeteia]

Eh, a gift is a gift, whether it''s gramma''s e-ring or a lump sum to help with the purchase of a new ring.

Yes, if it''s one more link in a chain of ''mooching off Mommy because Big Boy Undies are uncomfy'' then it''s bad news, if it''s more examples of how ''my parents own me, now they own you too'' then it''s bad news, or other examples of negative behaviour which make up the cake that the ring is icing, then I can see why it would be negative.

I don''t see us getting a traditional engagement ring, but if it was really important to his parents (for whatever reason) and they offered the funds with an express wish that we use it on an e-ring, we''d accept it and thank them for their graciousness.

Unlike most species in the animal kingdom, I don''t require my mate to display his prowess before I''ll accept him, so I am unbothered by the fact that he''s a student and I''ll be the breadwinner until he finishes his PhD. I''ll admit I''m relieved that he''ll be making a good living once he''s done school so we can destroy our student loan debts, but that was an unexpected perk that came along later. I don''t have any attachment to a display of his financial viability by having an unassisted e-ring purchased on my behalf.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/13/2008 4:21:58 PM
Author: choro72
When we were in the process of looking for my ering, we told his dad about what stone we have decided on. His dad, being the oldest Taiwanese man who needs to show off to the world what a ''big man'' he is, freaked out. He said that he will give my then BF $6000 so PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get an at least 1C diamond, otherwise it will reflect badly on BF (yeah, uh huh).
We just said thank you, we will consider it, and left. On the way home I told BF that this is the first step towards OUR married lives, to me that means no financial help from parents unless we are desperate, and desperate we were not. I told him that there is no way I am accepting a ring that his father contributed to. I told him that I would rather have a piece of kite string that he gave me rather than a huge rock that he couldn''t afford without his dad''s help.
We are now planning our wedding, and we accepted cash from his dad because he was hopping up and down about having a Saturday dinner with the most expensive food, and he wasn''t going to have it any other way. I told FI that I throw my hands up, and his dad can have it his way as long as he paid for the extra expense that we don''t care about having.

On a similar note;
FI had bought his house before we met, and he told me that his parents contributed to his down payment. I will be honest that when I first heard this I was very uneasy. None of my family had help from my grandparents buying a house, and to me needing help that way showed lack of independence. But I understand now that it made practical sense back then, and that sometimes borrowing money that way can be truly about parents and child making a business deal that works for both.
He has now finished paying them back, and he also gives them monthly cash allowance (Asian way).

Choro, no offense, but I don''t understand this...

Your FIL freaked out about the ring, and you refused, even though his "saving face" was at stake because you weren''t desperate enough to take it. But now you''d take money for the wedding, when it is seems it is pretty much for the same reason (i.e., showing off to the world?)

 

[Linda W]

ACK!!!!!!!!!

If my MIL bought my ring, she would be rubbing it in my face, until the day I die.



Linda

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 8/13/2008 3:49:32 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 8/13/2008 1:34:42 PM
Author: Babyblue033

Date: 8/13/2008 11:47:42 AM
Author: TravelingGal
These are all very western opinions (which make sense because most of you are from western cultures!)

Personally, I wouldn''t be a fan, but I''d be more understanding depending on who I married. Koreans are all about family...your family marrying his family, if that makes sense. It''s not uncommon for the guy''s fam to want to help with or buy the ring.

So if the guy''s mom bought me the ring and I knew about it in advance, I''d probably be fine with it. I''d have a hard time declining too, because if it''s a cultural thing, I wouldn''t want to insult his family.

When I was in my 20''s, a few gals that I knew had rings purchased by their FI''s parents. All the Korean women I knew were nonchalant about it, but a lot of the American women totally judged the guy based on this fact, which I felt was ignorant, especially once they knew it was a cultural thing.

As for your second question, I wouldn''t like to be in the dark about anything...ring or otherwise.

I think having his mom pay for the ring is no different than accepting a heirloom diamond. The parents are giving him a gift either way...one is just masked by sentimentality, is all.

Interesting, I had no idea and I was raised by fairly traditional Korean parents even though I grew up here. Not surprised or anything, given the overall views on families and how involved they tend to be in childrens'' marriages, but I can''t say I know of anyone personally who''s done this. As far as I can see Koreans aren''t that into the whole engagement ring thing, not the way we are here. They move on rather quickly to focusing on wedding, wedding ring, dowry (we still do this), etc but not much sentiment seems to be involved in the e-ring. Just my observation and could be the reason why Koreans have no problem with receiving an e-ring FMIL purchased *Shrug*

I think you''re right...not a lot a hoopla into the engagement ring...so if he needs money, he needs money, no big deal. I also noticed that this happened mostly in my early 20''s...not seeing it so much now, so maybe it''s just parents helping their children out in general, and not necessarily tradition.

I guess I agree with a few posters that the ering is way too romanticized (and to each their own). They want it to be from HIM because HE is proposing and it has nothing to do with the parents. But that''s pretty hypocritical IMHO if she accepts money for a wedding, because it''s not like her parents are marrying him. And not many people would bat an eye if parents helped with a downpayment on a house, right? Does that make the couple immature and not worthy of buying a house since they should be ADULTS and a house is for THEM? Or what about a recent poster who asked about taking money from her parents for childcare? Gosh, since they''re YOUR kids, should you not accept help for anyone?

Some parents just want to help their kids out. Some kids choose to be totally financially independent, and that''s great. But if you think it''s OK to take money in some cases, but not an ering because that''s a proposal and special and HIM asking YOU to marry him, etc etc etc, well, I just don''t get it.

I agree with TGal (and Deco, from her previous post). It''s sort of either all or nothing. We agreed a long time ago that we would never take/borrow a dime from our parents--not for college, not for the wedding, not for a house, not if we are ever in a financial bind. I don''t think it''s fair to say in some cases it''s fine and in others it''s not. So in my book, the reason for acquiring the money is irrelevant. The end doesn''t justify the means.

 

[gogosi]

I would have to say it depends on your relationship. My FI and I bought a house before getting engaged and we pretty much started our "familly" life before having the ring simply because it was a better financial investement. We both like the idea of owning a home, truck and boat better than a little shinny thing on my finger or an elaborate wedding, so that worked for us.

Nither of us come for wealthy families so we had to do everything on our own, which is a great feeling, but to be honest if someone would''ve thrown some money at him and say here use this $5000 for her ring I would''ve had no problem with it and I would just say Thank you very much!

On the other hand if my BF would be financially irresponsible and no clear goals and would ask mommy, or family to pitch in for a ring then I would say no. Also under those circumstances you have more issues to deal with then the ering.

That''s my opinoin!

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 8/13/2008 4:57:40 PM
Author: Linda W
ACK!!!!!!!!!

If my MIL bought my ring, she would be rubbing it in my face, until the day I die.



Linda

I was actually thinking along similar lines that this would come back to haunt them at some point. Personally, its hard for me to comment because neither ff''s parents or my mom for that matter have the funds to help with ring, wedding, house, whatever...it doesn''t matter because we want to pay for everything. I do think that the mom paying for it and the girl finding out later is grounds for termination of the relationship in my opinion because she was lead to believe that he paid for it. Thats just a lie.

However, I can''t for the life of me imagine being with someone for 5 years and not knowing their financial status. Maybe I''m not seeing the whole picture because when FF and I bought our place together we had to share everything but there were no surprises there either. Maybe its because when I was growing up my parents fought about money? I guess I''m just always up front with that stuff when things get serious because behaviours are trends and aren''t easy to break.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/13/2008 3:49:32 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I guess I agree with a few posters that the ering is way too romanticized (and to each their own). They want it to be from HIM because HE is proposing and it has nothing to do with the parents. But that's pretty hypocritical IMHO if she accepts money for a wedding, because it's not like her parents are marrying him. And not many people would bat an eye if parents helped with a downpayment on a house, right? Does that make the couple immature and not worthy of buying a house since they should be ADULTS and a house is for THEM? Or what about a recent poster who asked about taking money from her parents for childcare? Gosh, since they're YOUR kids, should you not accept help for anyone?

WORD! The hypocrisy is

. People pick & choose what "traditions" they prefer. And everybody wants their way to be the "right" way. The moral high ground. Whatever.

Gwendolyn -- my eyeroll is about having double standards. It wasn't directed at you. And I didn't put any words in your mouth or claim to know how YOU would pay for a wedding etc. You'll note in my post I said "she" not "Gwendolyn". For the record I don't understand your interpretation of "beholden". Anytime you accept a present are you beholden to the person forever?? Fierce, unwavering independence can sure be lonely & scary. IMHO it's okay to accept help from time to time. And its a blessing to be able to offer help. Most folks lives involve a healthy supply of both.

 

[choro72]

Date: 8/13/2008 4:46:21 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Your FIL freaked out about the ring, and you refused, even though his 'saving face' was at stake because you weren't desperate enough to take it. But now you'd take money for the wedding, when it is seems it is pretty much for the same reason (i.e., showing off to the world?)

No offense taken.

When choosing my ering we looked at all options for the center stone, and our choice was truly our no. 1 choice. If he had bought a diamond it would have been because his dad wanted him to, and I didn't want to look at my ring for the rest of my life thinking that. I didn't care squat about saving his face; it's our ering and I wasn't having it any way other than our first choice.

As for our wedding, this time I have no preference other than something that we can afford. What his dad wants is not what we can afford, so at first we told him no. But his dad hopped up and down about a grand ballroom reception, and since he would be happier inviting 50 more guests at a sit down fancier dinner than our idea of a simple garden party, we let him have it. For some reason, I have no problem looking at our wedding and saying "we did that only because his dad wanted us to". At this point I just want it to be over. We'll make it up for our honeymoon.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/13/2008 5:16:01 PM
Author: choro72

Date: 8/13/2008 4:46:21 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Your FIL freaked out about the ring, and you refused, even though his ''saving face'' was at stake because you weren''t desperate enough to take it. But now you''d take money for the wedding, when it is seems it is pretty much for the same reason (i.e., showing off to the world?)

I know what I sounded like, no offense taken.

When choosing my ering we looked at all options for the center stone, and our choice was truly our no. 1 choice. If he had bought a diamond it would have been because his dad wanted him to, and I didn''t want to look at my ring for the rest of my life thinking that. I didn''t care squat about saving his face; it''s our ering and I wasn''t having it any way other than our first choice.

As for our wedding, this time I have no preference. I just want something that we can afford, and what his dad wants is not what we can afford. However, his dad is really hopping up and down about what he wants, and since he would be happier inviting 50 more guests at a sit down fancier dinner, we let him have it. For some reason, I have no problem looking at our wedding and saying ''we did that only because his dad wanted us to''. We''ll make it up for our honeymoon.

That makes sense to me Choro, thanks for taking the time out to explain. And I am very glad you did not take any offense to my question because I was truly curious about your thoughts.

 

[Bliss]

I see choro's point. Weddings are seldom only about the couple, but about families combining whereas an engagement is solely about the couple. I know! I know! It's nuts, but I have long ago given up the notion that our wedding will be about us. It's all about the families. Hopefully three will be no draaaaaaaaaama. And we're much happier because of it. Just let the planner run interference!!! And tell me when to show up!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/13/2008 4:57:40 PM
Author: Linda W
ACK!!!!!!!!!

If my MIL bought my ring, she would be rubbing it in my face, until the day I die.




Linda

This is when you return said ring, with a little bit of flair. Tie some thread to it, and give it to her, saying, "I was really excited to accept this ring as a gift of love from your family, but now I see that there are strings attached. That''s really too bad."

 

[wishful]

Date: 8/13/2008 6:14:00 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 8/13/2008 4:57:40 PM
Author: Linda W
ACK!!!!!!!!!

If my MIL bought my ring, she would be rubbing it in my face, until the day I die.




Linda

This is when you return said ring, with a little bit of flair. Tie some thread to it, and give it to her, saying, ''I was really excited to accept this ring as a gift of love from your family, but now I see that there are strings attached. That''s really too bad.''

Hahahaha...that''s awesome!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:22:22 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/13/2008 10:28:24 AM

Author: gwendolyn

I''d rather be poor and independent than (seemingly) rich and beholden to my parents for the whole of my life.

See I just don''t get this. Why is a man any more ''beholden'' to his parents if he accepts an engagement ring ... than a women would be for accepting a 20-50K WEDDING?? No one thinks that SHE''s


* a deadbeat


or


* not mature enough to get married


Why the double-standard?? I think some folks are REALLY romanticizing this ring thing. For my sister it was purely practical. And its not like she had a choice? What ... not MARRY the dude because his parents tried to even out the gifts amongst their children? They''ve been married ten years -- have two homes & a few boats -- none of which has been paid for by EITHER sets of in-laws. All their own $$$. I can ASSURE you that my sister & BIL don''t feel ''beholden'' to his parents for a 1 ct. diamond -- nor do they to my parents who paid for 90% of their wedding.

Big fat ditto from me, deco! I would only care if he lied about it. If my fiance''s parents wanted to help him out, why not? My parents are giving us money for the wedding. Same diff.

 

[LaraOnline]

I guess the big question is... do you like his mum?
Is he going to pay her back?
Does he have a healthy grown-up relationship with his mum?
Is she a mature person?
Did the fiance really, really, really want to get married / engaged - and would delay have caused a lot of ongoing relationship problems?
That is the cruncher, for a LOT of women, when the crunch comes, there is very little way of putting them off without damaging the relationship?(and I probably fall into that camp!

)