What if he couldn''t afford the ring and....

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/13/2008 5:13:52 PM
Author: decodelighted
Gwendolyn -- my eyeroll is about having double standards. It wasn''t directed at you. And I didn''t put any words in your mouth or claim to know how YOU would pay for a wedding etc. You''ll note in my post I said ''she'' not ''Gwendolyn''. For the record I don''t understand your interpretation of ''beholden''. Anytime you accept a present are you beholden to the person forever?? Fierce, unwavering independence can sure be lonely & scary. IMHO it''s okay to accept help from time to time. And its a blessing to be able to offer help. Most folks lives involve a healthy supply of both.

Since you quoted me in your reply, it read like you were talking to the rest of the board about me when you wrote "she." Glad that''s not the case!

As for you question regarding the term ''beholden,'' no, that feeling wouldn''t come into play for any and all gifts. There are some things that I consider to be the responsibility of me, as an adult, and my partner, since we''re a team. Things like paying bills, whether they be for a wedding or school loans or an engagement ring or rent or whatever, is our responsibility, unless some terrible emergency occurs. Specifically, items like engagement rings or weddings wouldn''t be emergency sorts of items/situations that pop up unexpectedly; they are planned, so my partner and I can plan and budget accordingly and take care of things ourselves. I much prefer not to accept help if possible, but in emergency situations, I have gratefully accepted it (like when I was injured and temporarily unemployed and couldn''t quite cover my bills for a month). Neither an engagement ring nor a wedding in my mind would constitute an emergency, as we can make do quite happily with no ring at all and a very tiny wedding, so I would feel beholden to anyone offering money towards either of those items. Does that make any more sense?

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 8/13/2008 8:31:14 AM
Author:CrookedRock
EmptyLeftHanded''s thread got me thinking about something that I have been forced to think about recently. While I think, as we all basically agreed in that thread, that each couple has to do what is right for them...

What if he wasn''t able to pay for your ring, yet he didn''t tell you that? How would you feel...

1~ If he told you his MOM was going to buy your ring?
or
2~ He let his MOM pay for the ring and he didn''t tell you and you found out down the road.

For those of you that followed the other thread, you can probably guess how I feel, but I will reserve my comments until later.

I would not be OK with #1 or #2.

I also personally believe that as an adult, for us, there is no reason to take money from parents for an Ering OR a Wedding. Or anything really, unless its a dire emergency.

I don''t have a ring yet because there''s no budget for it yet. That''s OK.

When I get married it will be to celebrate the committment, and have a good time for a resonable amount of money that we can afford. I would feel ridiculous knowing someone else paid $4000 for my photographer or $1000 for my wedding cake....I just think it''s wrong.

I don''t think I would feel this way if I was in my early twenties, but when you reach a certain point in adulthood - it''s time to be an adult all the way, take care of yourself AND take care of your parents.

Having Mom and Dad take out a second mortgage for $20K to $40K to pay for their aduld child''s wedding is selfish in my book. Families that are independantly wealthy paying for their childs wedding - that''s a bit different b/c they aren''t potentially pulling cash from thier retirement.

 

[HollyS]

NEVER would it be okay with me for either of his parents to buy my ring. NEVER.

I would get married with a plain band.

 

[stone_seeker]

To each their own. If he lied about its a different story unless he was embarrased or there is some male ego involved. In which case he should grow up and talk to his future wife about it and come up with a solution if a ring is that important to her.

I''m not going to judge anyone who has their parents help out especially in the case of a younger couple. Especially with respect to wedding costs when there are many culttures where this is expected. I dont think its a sign of immaturity and if someone can afford a wedding without a parent''s help, great. If someone would like to get a parent''s help to be able to afford more flowers or be able to invite more people, then so be it. I''m not advocating massive debt be piled on to a retired elderly couple but most parents I know would be happy to help out - its a day for celebration.