When you were a child **sensitive topic**

[MillieLou]

It is so awful what many of you had to go through. The lack of respect is what jumps out. You can discipline a child without humiliating and disrespecting them. They are people not punching bags.

The more I read, the more I think having children should be the exception and not the rule. I admire people who are honest enough to admit it's not for them, or at least stick to a number they can manage.

 

[GliderPoss]

I am truly shocked & horrified at the level of abuse some of you endured.

I’m an 80’s child, I recall being smacked with open hand on the bum a few times by both parents; and usually for good reason - I’d done something naughty or silly/stupid! I was never screamed/yelled at. Usually the threat of “wait till your father gets home” was enough to make us all behave. Being sent to your room, no TV or no dinner were other punishments sometimes used - it was more embarrassing than hurtful. We were definitely taught to respect your elders & no back chat.

I was a pretty chilled/good teenager too and as youngest my parents knew every trick in the book by then so no point lying! I‘m guessing my older sisters may have had a more difficult time...

 

[Bron357]

Hugs to all and then more hugs.
It has been quite confronting to read some of these posts. My heart bleeds for your younger selves for not receiving the love, care and kindness you should have had instead living in fear, terror even, of the people who were meant to be your strength and guidance.
Many of us has unpleasant childhoods, some of us had horrific childhoods and that’s a tragedy.
For all of us who survived and later flourished despite their childhood - well done, I can only imagine how difficult your journey has been.
For those of us that had children and did not repeat the past, huge kudos for your bravery and strength of character.
Thank you for sharing with us, I hope all of you know that it was never your fault, that you were entitled to better, much better, but nevertheless you shone and continue to shine.

 

[stracci2000]

I am really saddened reading these stories.
My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered at the hands of evil and sadistic parents. I am truly upset right now.

After reading about all of these awful things, I feel lucky to say that I had a pretty blissful childhood.
Sister and I got yelled at if we misbehaved. Sis more than me, cause she was a rebel and
always pushed Dad's buttons. I didn't want to get yelled at, so I tried hard to be good.

We had a small wooden paddle, a bit like a wide paint stirrer. In red letters it said "Heat for the Seat" and there was a cartoon of a little boy holding his bottom.
Mom or Dad would threaten to paddle us with it, but I don't remember them ever actually using it, as it was mostly a threat to behave.

Mom was beaten by her parents, and I think she wanted to treat us kids better because of her experience.
DH tells me that his Mom used to beat him and his brothers with the cord from the electric coffee pot.

 

[Polished]

All these stories of "punishment" seem to be so much more about the person doing the punishing than about the person being punished. Their anger, their issues etc. I really admire those who salvage something of themselves from these situations and go on to become more the individual they're meant to be. I can't say with confidence that I would have done as well in similar circumstances.

Looking back at my childhood I was reprimanded by my mother but on each occasion I anticipated that I'd be told off for it and even knew what was going to be said. It took the form of being given life lessons, standards, values being set. I actually would have been disappointed if the telling off hadn't happened. The ball would have been dropped and it never was.

 

[1ofakind]

I apologize that anyone is upset by reading my post. It was not my intent...I avoided even reading the thread earlier in the day because usually when people talk about their childhood I can't relate at all. I assume missy didn't know quite what she would get with this thread. But life is like this....the good, the bad and the ugly. I got a share of ugly, no fault of my own. I didn't deserve it nor am I ashamed of it.

If it will help at all that post is not my whole story. I live a happy and fulfilled life. I have no regrets, no anger, mostly no sadness anymore. When I am sad it is from missing something I never had. I was sad when my mom died never feeling like she needed to make amends. I am sad that I do not miss her. I will be better prepared next time as I expect the same will happen when my dad dies. I am sad for my siblings.
But that is 1% of the time. The other 99% I have filled with wonderful experiences, friends and my own family. My kids have never experienced the pain I did and that brings me a great deal of satisfaction and joy. I knew my life would be different and it is. I made sure of it. My husband is loving and supportive and has never even raised his voice to me. He knows what I went through and used to tell me often that he was amazed that I came out of that to be the person I am. He hasn't said it in a while...I think he knows I don't need to hear it anymore. I'm OK. I'm more than OK. I have tons of happy memories from my children and I wouldn't trade even one of them to have my own childhood memories erased. And I'm going to be a grandma later this year!!! It was a rough start but I made it.

 

[AprilBaby]

Becoming a grandmother was the best thing that ever happened to me! Congratulations on your upcoming baby!

 

[elizat]

For sure in my case. Not happy about it at all.

I always thought that some of my mother's behavior with me was rooted in her parents. I was spanked a lot and she would have a hard time stopping. When I was growing up it would take very little to trigger her.

But, I think you are right. If as the child you experience it I think it makes you more likely to do it yourself sometimes. As a child, my mother was physically abused. Her parents would hit her so hard that they would break broomsticks over her back and shoulders. They would lock her out of the house and the snow in the middle of winter in Pennsylvania for misbehaving. I did not know that my grandparents were very heavy drinkers when she was a child. But they were.

I think she tried to break the pattern, but I think it's very hard. Add in some genetic tendencies towards mental illness and you have a crappy cocktail.

 

[SallyB]

I REALLY admire those of you who broke the cycle of abuse with your own kids.

I knew I didn’t have it in me to be a good mother after my childhood of abuse. So I made sure I never got pregnant. This may sound bizarre to many of you, but NOT having children has been perhaps my greatest ”achievement“ in life.

 

[1ofakind]

@SallyB I am proud of the choice you made that resulted in breaking the cycle. It is difficult to overcome and this may have been the only way. I am also sorry...you didn’t deserve this either.

 

[Begonia]

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

I just want to thank everyone for you kind words. You're all such lovely people on here!!!!

I really feel your warmth and care. I'm grateful for it. Rest assured that in my case my childhood never broke me. That honour was left to a golden retriever who never ever once growled or barked at me but boy did he do at number on me and broke my heart.

To those of you who also had a crappy childhood I wish I could have you all over and spoil you with cake (or whatever your dietary requirements are!) and huggles.

***

On another note I do see my childhood affecting my parenting but not in the typical way.

Because I had no voice growing up I tried/try so hard to give my son a voice. There was an incident where he sat me down and said: I love that you respect me and let me make decisions but I want you to parent more. You need to make the call Mummy. And if I sulk or throw a tantrum just tell me to deal. You don't need to keep giving me choices.

It really made my rethink my parenting.

 

[Musia]

I'm so sorry Musia. Hugs to you. I think this is such a brave admission.

I believe it happened because my children were born into the same unhealthy and abusive environment. Same apartment that I grew up. My parents didn't like my husband. At the time we were married I was 19 and he was 22. And my parent allowed us to marry and stay with them as long as needed before the government provides us with our own apartment. Young families were waiting for decades sometimes before they were given affordable (even free) housing. That's how socialism works. When we left my parents and moved from our country to the US, my son was almost 13 and daughter was 11y.o. Things would be completely different if we had our own apartment and started a healthy family outside of that environment from the scratch. I wish we were more mature at the time we had our children.
Thank you @Volute

 

[Sparkles88]

I’m so saddened to read all your heart wrenching stories, committed by the people that are meant to love and protect you . I think you are all so brave and courageous to share your stories, wishing you all peace, strength and future happiness. You are all amazing and survivors to have overcome such adversity.Big hugs to you all.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I REALLY admire those of you who broke the cycle of abuse with your own kids.

I knew I didn’t have it in me to be a good mother after my childhood of abuse. So I made sure I never got pregnant. This may sound bizarre to many of you, but NOT having children has been perhaps my greatest ”achievement“ in life.

One of my best friends did the same. Her physical childhood abuse was deeply buried in her unconscious and came out in therapy. We met at University when we were 19 and she always knew she didn't want children. She always told me she never liked her mom. I met her mom several times and when the abuse came to light I wasn't surprised, sadly. She was very manipulative and snarky.

I deeply respect this choice.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I was quite speechless reading all these stories. Hugs to everyone who experienced such horrible things.










The worst punishment was when my dad talked to me and told me that he was sad.... My parents were wonderful, dad calmer than mom, both explained everything to us(and explained again and again) , gave us choices. So when dad explained to us that he was sad we made the wrong choice in spite of having explained to us that this would be hurtful to someone/ not good for myself etc etc that was very uncomfortable and worked. It wasn't shaming / blaming. He truly cared . That's what made it so effective.

I personally raise my voice if the situation is dangerous. A three y/o running looking backwards e. g.

Having explained numerous times that one needs to put on shoes and a helmet for riding the bike / scooter.
If I catch you outside without shoes/helmet I'll tell you to stop AT ONCE. Very loudly.

When my children are being nasty/aggressive to their siblings they go in time out get out of the situation. Then we discuss. They need the time to be able to process the discussion.

 

[AGBF]

I am very sorry for the pain that so many of you have endured. I had two loving parents who were informed about psychology and child-rearing. I was spanked rarely and never severely. Yet I had a very unhappy childhood for other reasons. I would say I cannot even imagine your pain, but unfortunately that is not true. I have been a social worker. I have seen child abuse in my work and also heard about it in my work as a psychotherapist as people recount their childhoods. My daughter's fiancé, who lives here now, was taken away from his mother at age 6 due to her sexual abuse of him and his brother for which she was sent to prison. That is only skimming the surface of what he endured. He was born addicted to crack and started life in a hospital. Then he was punished by cigarettes being put out n his back and being locked in a trunk. If he cried he was taken out and beaten. He still cannot sneeze normally. He makes no noise.. He did not see his mother at all from age 6 to 18 and all he wanted was was to see his mother. He longed for her. This is not uncommon among abused children. He hated the police who took him from her. His foster care experiences (until he was placed with his grandmother when he was older) were a nightmare of abuse and neglect. He spent most of his life between age 18 and 24 in prison. He has now been out for the longest time ever, for over a year. If he makes it to July of 2021 without any problems, he will be off probation. His judgement is not always wonderful. My fingers are crossed.

 

[Tekate]

Early baby boomer.

1. Pinching
2. brush spanking
3. smack on the head
4. smack in the face (priest in high school and my mother)
5. verbal and emotional abuse galore (priests, nuns and parents).
6. THE BELT (my dad)

None of this was every day, but when it happened it was painful.

xo Missy

ETA: @Austina I understand and I don't have any happy memories either of being a child except for my grandmother, she loved me and she was my run away safe place but she died when I was 12.. we are survivors)

 

[AGBF]

Early baby boomer.

We are the same age and grew up in the same geographical area. I was spanked with a hairbrush at least once. My younger brother was spanked with wooden spoons. Yet my mother (the implement user) never did damage. She had been hit with a double strap when she was growing up. (She was born in 1918.) Yet her parents were not abusive. That was the punishment of that era. Her parents truly loved their children.

I never spanked my only child. Once,when my daughter was quite little, my husband slapped her across the face, and then I slapped him across the face, knowing he could have me arrested. I said if he ever did that again I'd hit him again and I didn't care if I went to jail.

 

[Tekate]

Hi Deb.. how are you? Great I hope (((Deb))))

I said my abuse wasn't daily but that really isn't true, we were hit every day but we were mentally abused ad neglected, no washer/dryer for 2 years, it was hell.

I was diagnosed twice with post traumatic stress disorder by 2 different therapist. As a mother .... I screamed often if my kids were trying I smacked my older son across the face once in a grocery store and spanked him on occasion, my younger son I once spanked him and threatened to spank both kids with a metal meat tenderizer tool, I said "XY XY do you want to be spanked with this??" my older son said NO, but little dude said YES, so I wacked him with it, I did NOT realize it would hurt so much, that pool toddler ran around the house 4x at least screaming and crying I think I had a mental break I felt so bad..Oh MY GOD, I felt bad, now my sons laugh about it but I still feel great anger at myself for doing it, my younger son never deserved any punishment, mellow man

The biggest problem I had raising kids was FEAR, fear I would hurt them emotionally, fear of words, and I had zero clue on what a good mother really was, I must have apologized to my sons at least 50x over the last 15 years or so.. Both say I was a great mom and they love me but I never felt comfortable being a mother and still don't.. I love them so much but was always and still am fearful some how some way I will emotionally hurt, which in turn probably emotionally hurt them.. I respect the woman above who said she chose NOT to have kids, that was a very difficult choice I'm sure but she did it for very good reasons and I really admire that. I'm glad I had the boys but I wish I had been a better mother, but they would tell you I was a great mom.. so I dunno.. part of the way I grew up I guess. xo

We are the same age and grew up in the same geographical area. I was spanked with a hairbrush at least once. My younger brother was spanked with wooden spoons. Yet my mother (the implement user) never did damage. She had been hit with a double strap when she was growing up. (She was born in 1918.) Yet her parents were not abusive. That was the punishment of that era. Her parents truly loved their children.

I never spanked my only child. Once,when my daughter was quite little, my husband slapped her across the face, and then I slapped him across the face, knowing he could have me arrested. I said if he ever did that again I'd hit him again and I didn't care if I went to jail.

 

[AGBF]

I'm glad I had the boys but I wish I had been a better mother, but they would tell you I was a great mom.. so I dunno.. part of the way I grew up I guess. xo

Kate-

I know from knowing you that your sons felt your love. They couldn't help but feel it. When a child is truly secure in a parent's love, little mistakes (and yours were little, they were not abuse) can be forgotten.

xoxo back at you,
Deb

 

[bludiva]

i remember seeing a boy being paddled in front of the school assembly (mid 80s) - that was the one and only time i've seen corporal punishment at school, they must have outlawed it that year

at home we were spanked by hand or with the big wooden spoon from the kitchen, and slapped in the face. our mom also yelled at us constantly and would throw/break stuff when in a rage.

we knew lots of kids that "got the belt"

the stuff that was considered normal then is child abuse now. i don't think there is any reason to hit a child and few reasons to yell at one (for their safety being an exception)

 

[rainydaze]

Reading about the abuse and trauma so many of you suffered at the hand of your parents is... I can't find the right words to describe it. It makes me so sad that you have suffered, and... relief?... that you survived and carried yourselves forward to better lives.

I was the oldest child of two. One of my parents spanked me once and hated it. I don't remember it. Both vowed not to use any form of physical punishment again, and did not, with either of us. Punishments weren't harsh - my parents believed more in consequences and learning from mistakes than in punishment. They would talk with me, take away a privilege, that sort of thing. The one I recall was having to write 25 pages of "I will not shirk my responsibilities" at 13 years old. I had to bring it to a Girl Scout meeting to work on it, because y'know, I will not shirk my responsibilities.

 

[House Cat]

My mother used psychological warfare to punish. She would loom over me and scream for hours. I was certain she was going to kill me. This was a daily thing.

I was a really good kid. She just needed a dog to kick and it was me.

My first memory of her is of her tearing things off my walls like a monster and screaming at me. I was three years old. I can’t even imagine what a three year old could possibly do to deserve such a thing.

 

[bludiva]

My mother used psychological warfare to punish. She would loom over me and scream for hours. I was certain she was going to kill me. This was a daily thing.

I was a really good kid. She just needed a dog to kick and it was me.

My first memory of her is of her tearing things off my walls like a monster and screaming at me. I was three years old. I can’t even imagine what a three year old could possibly do to deserve such a thing.

sorry that this happened to you. i empathize. i was an A+ student, never snuck out, super naive and innocent, a good kid and i thought for YEARS that it was my fault, i was an awful person, i deserved to be treated badly, etc. the mental scars don't really go away.

it was bittersweet also to see how kind and indulgent my mother is as a grandma, though i'm glad she has mellowed in old age.

 

[TooPatient]

Born in 1985 and in the last year or so that was considered gen X until someone changed the years. (People from my HS class post on this periodically -- we are gen X, not millennials.) Some days, I feel like it wasn't too bad and I didn't really get punished much. Other days are harder as I remember all of what life was before I moved out.

It wasn't really punishment because it was unpredictable. No telling if I was in trouble for something specific or not. There were things I did that should have been punished somehow. Most things blur. The bar of soap shoved in my mouth so hard I bled (and may have been the cause for a crooked tooth?), the paddling with the wooden paddle toy, spankings, slapping, grabbing. I think the worst was the fear of something more. I watched my parents fight. Both alcoholics. I saw him throw a big coffee table at her. Seeing what they could do just left me terrified that the already scary, painful they did to me might get as bad as that some day. My father's long time girlfriend would stand in front of me (my brother and I had to sleep on the couch when we visited) and use me as a shield to try to get my father to not throw stuff at her (like a big handful of knives one day). Since he openly said he didn't care about us and was just keeping up visitation to hurt or mother, I didn't have any confidence he wouldn't throw whatever it was any given day. The girlfriend openly disliked my brother and me. Said so repeatedly. Resented everything including needing to provide two or 4 meals a month to us. Visiting there meant being cold, hungry, scared, and made fun of. Staying home meant being scared and uncomfortable. My step father didn't like us either, especially me. He didn't try to hide it.

I hated school. Was too afraid to even raise my hand to ask to use the bathroom that it led to issues. I was always the different kid. We didn't have money, my parents weren't educated, I didn't trust people, etc so I didn't really have many friends and most attempts ended in hurt feelings (why is it funny to pretend to want to be a friend then humiliate someone!?) or embarrassment of them meeting drunken parents (and step parents).

I had a couple of safe places to be. One was with my grandparents (mom's side) although that was right next door to home so I could end up back there any time. I loved being there with my aunt (12 years older than me). Sad thing is that those memories took on a different light when my aunt opened up to me about how she always resented me and didn't want me around. (this was as an adult) I couldn't fix the pain I caused her when I was younger, but I should recognize it now and stay out of her way while she gets to have a relationship with her mom (my grandma) that she never got before because of me.
The other safe place was with my other grandparents. It was one of the only times I actually knew there would be food and knew I wouldn't be.made fun of. I got to sleep in a comfortable bed with fluffy pillows and didn't hear screaming all night. It was only one night except during summer. Then I would have to go to my father's house the next night. It was still so nice there that I never told anyone about my dad's house dangers because I was afraid I wouldn't get to be there with Grandma anymore. Summers were wonderful because I got some days or even a week with Grandma. Only tainted by the knowledge of days with my father to follow. It wasn't that I wasn't punished here, I was. Timeouts and paddling with a wooden paddle. Very rare as I tried to be really really good because I was afraid I wouldn't be allowed again. It was hard hearing Grandma gossip about people. That was probably where I got the anxiety surrounding making sure no one ever sees me at less than my very best because anything lacking would be talked about at length as soon as you were out of earshot. Then it changed... Grandpa started watching me in the shower. My safe place was gone. I was okay for single nights, but multiple days led to anxiety over trying to shower when I knew there was no chance of him coming home.

Punishments? We didn't have much to take away. I never had allowance. We never had enough money for me to go out and do anything so grounding wouldn't have changed anything. Skipped meals were common enough that it wouldn't have been much of a punishment. I do remember my brother getting in trouble and them taking the Nintendo away. I didn't have a cellphone until after high school. The only computer belonged to my stepfather and I was only allowed near it for high school homework and only if it was required to be typed and with my mother watching while I worked so I didn't break it. I wasn't allowed to use it to research anything (even for homework). Just type the paper I had already written by hand.

 

[Tekate]

And as I know you Deb, I know you are a wonderful mom also. xoxoxox

Kate-

I know from knowing you that your sons felt your love. They couldn't help but feel it. When a child is truly secure in a parent's love, little mistakes (and yours were little, they were not abuse) can be forgotten.

xoxo back at you,
Deb

 

[SallyB]

@SallyB I am proud of the choice you made that resulted in breaking the cycle. It is difficult to overcome and this may have been the only way. I am also sorry...you didn’t deserve this either.

Thank you so much for your very kind words, @1ofakind.

 

[SallyB]

Wow, this is profound. Thanks so much for sharing it, @Begonia.

 

[bludiva]

are there any educators on this thread ( and i apologize, i havent read all of it bc it is so hard to read). are kids these days taught in school what an unhealthy family dynamic looks like and how to ask for help or take care of themselves?