When you were a child **sensitive topic**

[SallyB]

One of my best friends did the same. Her physical childhood abuse was deeply buried in her unconscious and came out in therapy. We met at University when we were 19 and she always knew she didn't want children. She always told me she never liked her mom. I met her mom several times and when the abuse came to light I wasn't surprised, sadly. She was very manipulative and snarky.

I deeply respect this choice.

@kipari Thank you.

 

[bludiva]

I REALLY admire those of you who broke the cycle of abuse with your own kids.

I knew I didn’t have it in me to be a good mother after my childhood of abuse. So I made sure I never got pregnant. This may sound bizarre to many of you, but NOT having children has been perhaps my greatest ”achievement“ in life.

i totally get and respect this

 

[SallyB]

I would give all of you a big hug if I could.

 

[SandyinAnaheim]

My parents were immigrants from Cuba. My father was brought there when he was two, in 1942, when my grandfather decided that Italy was too dangerous a place to live if Hitler ever finished with the Jews. They were a dark and swarthy lot and he was fearful of being next. My grandfather was a jeweler and goldsmith and left EVERYTHING behind to start anew...in 1942.

In 1959 Castro came into power and my grandfather, again, left EVERYTHING he knew and brought his whole family to the US, including his son's wife, my mother. My family were blue collar workers, but my mother thought she was royalty. My Dad couldn't do well enough by her. Her desires far exceeded anything he could give her. She was ALWAYS mad and frustrated at him. I am the oldest of two. My sister looked more like my Dad, blonde and beautiful while I was like my Mom, typically brown-haired and eyed, and average in looks.

Every time my parents would have a disagreement, of which I never saw a single one, I was the punching bag for my Mom. I think my Dad belted me twice throughout my life. But my Mom, she was creative. By the time I was 5, I had two broken arms, a broken pelvis, and was hospitalized by her bodily throwing me face first into a wall, rupturing my right eardrum and partially knocking out my baby front teeth. She would beat me on a daily basis when she got home from work with whatever was handy. She preferred my Dad's wide leather workbelt buckles, but also implemented those hard platform shoes that were all the rage in the early 70s. There were brooms, umbrellas, mops, and her hands. Being Hispanic, my parents loved to keep my hair long, way past my waist. That was her handle so I couldn't get away. The more I would cry, the more she would hit me. If I stayed silent, she would switch implements. There was just no way to win.

My sister got none of this.....but I will admit that these experiences are what makes me dislike humans and convinced me that most are evil at heart from birth. My sister, 3 years younger than I, realized that she could get her way by harnessing my mother's anger and frustration. She was KEENLY aware of what was happening and would tell my mother various lies to get her to beat me so she could have her way. I remember her, watching, and smiling while it was happening as if she was enjoying it. Because we would come home from school together when she was a bit older, she would lie to my Mom and say I did things to her which were untrue. Knowing my Mom needed little kindling to get the fire burning white hot, she would invent things to get me beaten or locked into the trunk so she could have my stuff.

My Mom didn't just like to beat me, she wanted me to suffer, which is why she would make me lie in a blanket filled antique wood trunk in hot humid Miami weather that was too small for me to lie in, for MANY hours. I couldn't breathe while I was in there. I had to hold very still, in a very cramped position, just to survive it. Those tongue in groove joints in the trunk let zero air in. There are other instances like these, but the trunk was almost the worst.

Another one her fabulous tortures was to break out her bag of gravel and make me kneel on it for long periods, usually an hour or more. That is so much more painful than it sounds. My father bought himself a gas station, so he was out for about 14-15 hours a day. He would race his cars at Daytona and Sebring, that was his priority. That just made my Mom angrier. I don't blame him for leaving my Mom, because WHO would want to be with someone like her???? He just accepted all of her stories of my injuries without question because he was too busy building race cars and picking up chicks. She NEVER did it in front of him as he was gone up until dinner time at 8pm. When they finally divorced when I was 13, everything changed. I became her crying rag. She spent hundreds of hours crying on my lap over his cheating and leaving us. I just wanted him to take me with him. But that was not to be as his new wife wanted nothing to do with us.

When my Mom met my stepfather, she refocused her energy on me, but by then it was too late to control a child who had fended for herself her whole life. She tried to beat me one last time at age 15 and I held her hand to avoid it. My stepfather saw it as an act of aggression and threw me out of the house at gunpoint. That was almost the end of the abuse from my mother....

My very first memories in life are of my father's beautiful German Shepherd, Rex, sitting right outside my crib. When I was 6, my mother beat me with my Dad's belt and buckle, as usual, and Rex was in the house that day and reacted to her. He didn't attack her, but he blocked her from hitting me. Within a week she had him euthanized for aggression. I have never forgiven her for that. But that bond I had with Rex was the most authentic and the strongest feelings I ever had with anyone up to that point. His loss was the greatest tragedy I ever experienced until my Dad died some 30 years later. I think my family background and Rex' presence and protection are why I love animals so much more than humans. Their honesty and loyalty are inspirational to me and I try to model myself after their purity. But I fail quite often because, humans....

I read this entire thread and @1ofakind described things so well. She said many of the things I would have. As did @SallyB.

ETA: I also purposely chose not to have children as I didn't think I could be trusted not to perpetuate the cycle. I always really wanted to have my own family, but I was terrified to make anyone undergo what I did. So animals are my family and have been my whole life. They're the only ones who have never betrayed or hurt me.

 

[Volute]

My parents were immigrants from Cuba. My father was brought there when he was two, in 1942, when my grandfather decided that Italy was too dangerous a place to live if Hitler ever finished with the Jews. They were a dark and swarthy lot and he was fearful of being next. My grandfather was a jeweler and goldsmith and left EVERYTHING behind to start anew...in 1942.

In 1959 Castro came into power and my grandfather, again, left EVERYTHING he knew and brought his whole family to the US, including his son's wife, my mother. My family were blue collar workers, but my mother thought she was royalty. My Dad couldn't do well enough by her. Her desires far exceeded anything he could give her. She was ALWAYS mad and frustrated at him. I am the oldest of two. My sister looked more like my Dad, blonde and beautiful while I was like my Mom, typically brown-haired and eyed, and average in looks.

Every time my parents would have a disagreement, of which I never saw a single one, I was the punching bag for my Mom. I think my Dad belted me twice throughout my life. But my Mom, she was creative. By the time I was 5, I had two broken arms, a broken pelvis, and was hospitalized by her bodily throwing me face first into a wall, rupturing my right eardrum and partially knocking out my baby front teeth. She would beat me on a daily basis when she got home from work with whatever was handy. She preferred my Dad's wide leather workbelt buckles, but also implemented those hard platform shoes that were all the rage in the early 70s. There were brooms, umbrellas, mops, and her hands. Being Hispanic, my parents loved to keep my hair long, way past my waist. That was her handle so I couldn't get away. The more I would cry, the more she would hit me. If I stayed silent, she would switch implements. There was just no way to win.

My sister got none of this.....but I will admit that these experiences are what makes me dislike humans and convinced me that most are evil at heart from birth. My sister, 3 years younger than I, realized that she could get her way by harnessing my mother's anger and frustration. She was KEENLY aware of what was happening and would tell my mother various lies to get her to beat me so she could have her way. I remember her, watching, and smiling while it was happening as if she was enjoying it. Because we would come home from school together when she was a bit older, she would lie to my Mom and say I did things to her which were untrue. Knowing my Mom needed little kindling to get the fire burning white hot, she would invent things to get me beaten or locked into the trunk so she could have my stuff.

My Mom didn't just like to beat me, she wanted me to suffer, which is why she would make me lie in a blanket filled antique wood trunk in hot humid Miami weather that was too small for me to lie in, for MANY hours. I couldn't breathe while I was in there. I had to hold very still, in a very cramped position, just to survive it. Those tongue in groove joints in the trunk let zero air in. There are other instances like these, but the trunk was almost the worst.

Another one her fabulous tortures was to break out her bag of gravel and make me kneel on it for long periods, usually an hour or more. That is so much more painful than it sounds. My father bought himself a gas station, so he was out for about 14-15 hours a day. He would race his cars at Daytona and Sebring, that was his priority. That just made my Mom angrier. I don't blame him for leaving my Mom, because WHO would want to be with someone like her???? He just accepted all of her stories of my injuries without question because he was too busy building race cars and picking up chicks. She NEVER did it in front of him as he was gone up until dinner time at 8pm. When they finally divorced when I was 13, everything changed. I became her crying rag. She spent hundreds of hours crying on my lap over his cheating and leaving us. I just wanted him to take me with him. But that was not to be as his new wife wanted nothing to do with us.

When my Mom met my stepfather, she refocused her energy on me, but by then it was too late to control a child who had fended for herself her whole life. She tried to beat me one last time at age 15 and I held her hand to avoid it. My stepfather saw it as an act of aggression and threw me out of the house at gunpoint. That was almost the end of the abuse from my mother....

My very first memories in life are of my father's beautiful German Shepherd, Rex, sitting right outside my crib. When I was 6, my mother beat me with my Dad's belt and buckle, as usual, and Rex was in the house that day and reacted to her. He didn't attack her, but he blocked her from hitting me. Within a week she had him euthanized for aggression. I have never forgiven her for that. But that bond I had with Rex was the most authentic and the strongest feelings I ever had with anyone up to that point. His loss was the greatest tragedy I ever experienced until my Dad died some 30 years later. I think my family background and Rex' presence and protection are why I love animals so much more than humans. Their honesty and loyalty are inspirational to me and I try to model myself after their purity. But I fail quite often because, humans....

I read this entire thread and @1ofakind described things so well. She said many of the things I would have. As did @SallyB.

ETA: I also purposely chose not to have children as I didn't think I could be trusted not to perpetuate the cycle. I always really wanted to have my own family, but I was terrified to make anyone undergo what I did. So animals are my family and have been my whole life. They're the only ones who have never betrayed or hurt me.

Oh Sandy, I have no words. I am sorrier than I could possibly say. I'm so glad Rex was there for you! May you continue to have the best animal friends through life.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Oh Sandy, I have no words. I am sorrier than I could possibly say. I'm so glad Rex was there for you! May you continue to have the best animal friends through life.

I echo these words as i also just dont know what to say Sandy

 

[Karl_K]

I'm not ready to share my story and probably never will be.
I have read with tears streaming down my face the stories here.
I am so very sorry about what happened to so many and admire the strengh to survive it and rise above it.

 

[AGBF]

Sandy, this is just one of the worst stories of abuse I have ever heard and actually reminds me a lot of what happened to my daughter's fiancé. Being locked in an antique wood trunk is just like his being locked in a toy box. Your struggle with the heat, and to breathe, is so vivid. And kneeling on gravel doesn't sound benign. In the past mothers used to make children kneel on rice as penance. It is very painful. Everything you went through was hell. But of course I relate the most to your mother taking your dog from you. I could never have forgiven that, no matter what else I forgave.

I am so very sorry for the hell you lived through. I wish you much love, especially from dogs, but also from reliable humans.

Deb

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Sorry for more of my rambmings and my heart really aches for those of you who had such terrible physical abuse as just little innocent kiddies

I am sure my mum had a mental illness - post natal depression or bi polar ??
She mirrored how her mother treated her yet just like her mother she was a very good sweet loving grandma
My grandma had a strict brethren upbringing - (lucky grandad did not) and i think this had bearing on her parenting


I don't understand people who releave their own internal pain by hurting others,

As an adult i am a supreme champion at not giving in to emotional blackmail from years of practice, it is very cruel, mum would do it with dad's cancer

The other night after i posted i had zero sleep worring i had been unfair to mum, she was by no means the worst mother

But she always thought she was the best mother and would get very jelouse over any relationship i had with any other woman of a similar age- my aunties, workmates, friend's mothers

My dad was a wonderful person, i know it hurt him greatly i did not get on with mum, but mum would not try, she was always right, always controlling

she would say she wanted us to be best friends but that's not how the world works
Friendships need to be on an equal playing field
As an adult i fully acknowledge my mother was a better daughter than i was
But my mum's love for me was suffocating love and fussiness that was really a form of control
She loved me but she didnt like me
she told me when i was 12 her and dad didn't like me any more
who says stuff like that to their child ?

i know mum had remorse, she talked to Gary on the phone sometimes
I think in moments of clarity she may have known she had done me wrong and behaved badly but it was always my fault she had got angry


When mum got sick with altizmers the family put alot of pressure on me to let by gones be bygones because mum was sick and had no recollection or understanding of what she had done but it also ment i never got clouser, i never got the apology or even an acknowledgment because mum didn't even remember me - the first born
the daughter who wasnt the son she wanted or what ever was wrong with me

My mother did not deserve altzimers, she didnt deserve to be a widow at 52, my dad didn't deserve cancer but it wasn't my fault
But no one ever told me it wasn't my fault, just mum screaming and lashing out and yelling hysterically it was all my fault

My mother blamed me for everything that went wrong
One day she got rear ended at the traffic lights - i wasn't even there but it was my fault and i coped it when the tow truck brought her and her car home

i just don't understand the anger and rage inside some people, and how they redirect it to someone they say they love wheather physically or emotionally

I have never hit anybody ever

Bruce Springsteen and his dad saved me, because there was no one else around, but his dad had a stroke and became all lovelly and nice as an old man, he acknowledged he wasn't a great father and that Bruce had been a good son
I just ran away and never really went back - i probably saw mum less than 5 times in 17 or 18 years
I never talk about my family yet i talk about my home town all the time
This lady i had lunch with every day for 3 years was shocked one day to realize i actually had a family because i never mentioned them

before my sister was born i have many many happy memories i try to focus on
But my sister was very highly strung, a difficult child and misbehaved at school, our GP send us all to a family sociologist (i think that's the word) im pretty sure now looking back mum did not like what she had to say as some of my sister's problems possibly were with mum's parenting even though my sister could do no wrong
My sister has struggled with depression and my mother was so supportive and understanding and its horrible to say but i knew if that was me she would have exploited that weakness and rubbed salt in the wound
Its not fair to play favourites to children

My mother was always right, and had a very forceful personality, and she had some weird ideas regarding medical science, i do almost wonder if she had that thing were they make their kinds sick so they can take care of them

She was partiulary beyond awful about the nornal teenage acne i got


Over the years even from afair mum caused trouble between me and Gary yet i know that was her illness, not her

Since my mother died i have tried really hard to put her anger and cruelty behind me and tried to understand her without the illness
Its hard, some days are eaiser than others

I think the worst thing is how she purposely destroyed my self confidence, something that has had far reaching consequences to this day

My dreams and aspirations were never nurtured like my sister's, mine were stomped on and rubbed out

One funny thing i thought of was one lunchtime my mother was throwing eggs at me
I have no idea what 9 year old me had done to deserve this but she would work herself up into a frenzy
Anyway we had this 1960s rough textured brick tile behind the kitchen table, after i went back to school she must have had to scrub all afternoon


I greatly admire those of you who despite the bad examples set by a parent you have gone on to be good mothers or fathers
I just would never ever take that risk, so the buck stops with me

 

[1ofakind]

Many puppy hugs and kisses to you Sandy. It is heartbreaking to know how much was taken from you.

 

[1ofakind]

@Daisys and Diamonds My mom also thought she was a good mom. When we were kids she would make us say that we loved her. Even as we were crying in pain or recoiling in fear she wanted to know we loved her. As we grew that didn’t work anymore. She didn’t ever seem to understand why her children did not respond with the love she felt she deserved. She was genuinely hurt by this and she would tell people wild stories to explain why 3 of 4 of her children basically abandoned her. She could never bring herself to accept the truth and if I ever mentioned it she would recoil in painful denial. She had created her own reality in which she was the victim.

After she died I found several Mother’s rings in her jewelry box. She had bought them all for herself along with several sets of bracelet charms. Each a set of 2 boys and 2 girls representing me and my siblings. It seemed to me that she was recreating a little family in jewelry form that she didn’t have for real. I knew she always wanted one of her children to give her a Mother’s ring and I was the only one who could have. It would have meant the world to her. I never did because I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge her false reality. I was there for her functionally but not always as a daughter. Sometimes there is remorse for not being able to do better for her in that.
Her death brought some feelings/thoughts that were completely unexpected. I wrestle with it sometimes as it seems you do as well.

 

[LLJsmom]

My parents were immigrants from Cuba. My father was brought there when he was two, in 1942, when my grandfather decided that Italy was too dangerous a place to live if Hitler ever finished with the Jews. They were a dark and swarthy lot and he was fearful of being next. My grandfather was a jeweler and goldsmith and left EVERYTHING behind to start anew...in 1942.

In 1959 Castro came into power and my grandfather, again, left EVERYTHING he knew and brought his whole family to the US, including his son's wife, my mother. My family were blue collar workers, but my mother thought she was royalty. My Dad couldn't do well enough by her. Her desires far exceeded anything he could give her. She was ALWAYS mad and frustrated at him. I am the oldest of two. My sister looked more like my Dad, blonde and beautiful while I was like my Mom, typically brown-haired and eyed, and average in looks.

Every time my parents would have a disagreement, of which I never saw a single one, I was the punching bag for my Mom. I think my Dad belted me twice throughout my life. But my Mom, she was creative. By the time I was 5, I had two broken arms, a broken pelvis, and was hospitalized by her bodily throwing me face first into a wall, rupturing my right eardrum and partially knocking out my baby front teeth. She would beat me on a daily basis when she got home from work with whatever was handy. She preferred my Dad's wide leather workbelt buckles, but also implemented those hard platform shoes that were all the rage in the early 70s. There were brooms, umbrellas, mops, and her hands. Being Hispanic, my parents loved to keep my hair long, way past my waist. That was her handle so I couldn't get away. The more I would cry, the more she would hit me. If I stayed silent, she would switch implements. There was just no way to win.

My sister got none of this.....but I will admit that these experiences are what makes me dislike humans and convinced me that most are evil at heart from birth. My sister, 3 years younger than I, realized that she could get her way by harnessing my mother's anger and frustration. She was KEENLY aware of what was happening and would tell my mother various lies to get her to beat me so she could have her way. I remember her, watching, and smiling while it was happening as if she was enjoying it. Because we would come home from school together when she was a bit older, she would lie to my Mom and say I did things to her which were untrue. Knowing my Mom needed little kindling to get the fire burning white hot, she would invent things to get me beaten or locked into the trunk so she could have my stuff.

My Mom didn't just like to beat me, she wanted me to suffer, which is why she would make me lie in a blanket filled antique wood trunk in hot humid Miami weather that was too small for me to lie in, for MANY hours. I couldn't breathe while I was in there. I had to hold very still, in a very cramped position, just to survive it. Those tongue in groove joints in the trunk let zero air in. There are other instances like these, but the trunk was almost the worst.

Another one her fabulous tortures was to break out her bag of gravel and make me kneel on it for long periods, usually an hour or more. That is so much more painful than it sounds. My father bought himself a gas station, so he was out for about 14-15 hours a day. He would race his cars at Daytona and Sebring, that was his priority. That just made my Mom angrier. I don't blame him for leaving my Mom, because WHO would want to be with someone like her???? He just accepted all of her stories of my injuries without question because he was too busy building race cars and picking up chicks. She NEVER did it in front of him as he was gone up until dinner time at 8pm. When they finally divorced when I was 13, everything changed. I became her crying rag. She spent hundreds of hours crying on my lap over his cheating and leaving us. I just wanted him to take me with him. But that was not to be as his new wife wanted nothing to do with us.

When my Mom met my stepfather, she refocused her energy on me, but by then it was too late to control a child who had fended for herself her whole life. She tried to beat me one last time at age 15 and I held her hand to avoid it. My stepfather saw it as an act of aggression and threw me out of the house at gunpoint. That was almost the end of the abuse from my mother....

My very first memories in life are of my father's beautiful German Shepherd, Rex, sitting right outside my crib. When I was 6, my mother beat me with my Dad's belt and buckle, as usual, and Rex was in the house that day and reacted to her. He didn't attack her, but he blocked her from hitting me. Within a week she had him euthanized for aggression. I have never forgiven her for that. But that bond I had with Rex was the most authentic and the strongest feelings I ever had with anyone up to that point. His loss was the greatest tragedy I ever experienced until my Dad died some 30 years later. I think my family background and Rex' presence and protection are why I love animals so much more than humans. Their honesty and loyalty are inspirational to me and I try to model myself after their purity. But I fail quite often because, humans....

I read this entire thread and @1ofakind described things so well. She said many of the things I would have. As did @SallyB.

ETA: I also purposely chose not to have children as I didn't think I could be trusted not to perpetuate the cycle. I always really wanted to have my own family, but I was terrified to make anyone undergo what I did. So animals are my family and have been my whole life. They're the only ones who have never betrayed or hurt me.

I’m so sorry Sandy. I can’t imagine how unbelievably difficult that was for you.

 

[LLJsmom]

The abuse suffered here is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.

 

[Sparkles88]

I’m so so sorry to hear what happened to you @SandyinAnaheim and my heart aches for your lost childhood.
I’m glad you have found some comfort with your furry friends, wishing you peace and strength and gentle hugs from afar xx

 

[Polished]

I know I'm mega sensitive at the moment as we had to have our 17 and a half year old golden retriever cross put down last week but the wonderful instinctive Max being put down for aggression must be the ultimate irony. Thank goodness for pets. And even though we may grieve their loss when they go (unashamedly more than for many humans we lose) we can be comforted by the fact that they gave us something profoundly special. Wishing you all the best Sandy.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

@SandyinAnaheim *big big big big big hugs*

And the greedy golden sends lots of pushy cuddles too

I'm so angry after reading your post. I'm angry that this woman robbed you of the family you wanted. I don't know what else to say but I wish I could say all the words to show you how much I feel for you.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

@1ofakind your mother sounds exactly like mine.

Mine has an excuse for everything and when confronted told me: Look at you. You have everything and that was due to me and the way I raised you.

I still wonder if the poisonous personality is a result of untreated mental illness or if they were just flatly horrible people. Perhaps a milder version of those serial killers. They get a thrill, some sort of satisfaction from the pain inflicted on small people who are under their power.

 

[missy]

@SandyinAnaheim I am so sorry. What a horror. And your bond with Rex. I am so so sorry for your great loss. There truly are no words adequate to express how sad and angry and devastated I feel for what you went through. I agree. There are evil human beings in this world and the people you grew up with were evil. The fact that you made it through that is a testament to your strength and spirit and humanity. You embody the definition of humanity IMO for all you do for the animals.

I am sending you virtual hugs and I don't know if you can feel them or feel my positive energy going to you but I am sending bucketloads of good vibes your way. For all the horror and bad you experienced you gave it/give it back with so much good for the furry babies. You took the worst of circumstances and turned it around to making the best of it and doing so much good for the most needy.

You already know I think you are amazing but it is always worth repeating. You are an awesome human being in a world of crap*y human beings.

(((HUGS))).

And lots of purry love from my furry babies to you and yours.

 

[missy]

@Polished I am very sorry for your loss. You are so right. They are profoundly special and in many cases one cannot even compare them to humans. They are far superior. Gentle hugs to you.

 

[missy]

I am so sorry for all the heartbreak and abuse many of you experienced at the hands of your supposed caretakers and the very people who are supposed to love us unconditionally. I have no words but to say I am keeping you all in my thoughts and sending gentle hugs your way.


Through The Eyes Of A Child

By: Kala Tirado



Through the eyes of an innoncent child

In what world would you have imagined

Living in a world where things just do not make sense

Trying to understand if something was your fault when in reality it wasn't

All you desire is the love of the only parent you have left

To be accepted, to be love and to be understood is not too much to ask for

To be compared to a late mother you never knew, but also bullied for it as well

Display no physical or emotional pain, but smile instead

Seems as though you're walking a path alone

Suddenly with the blink of an eye

Awareness starts to kick in

Development, Discover, Dependentability, Devoted, Determination and Dream

Through the eyes of an innocent Child

 

[AGBF]

Bruce Springsteen and his dad saved me, because there was no one else around, but his dad had a stroke and became all lovelly and nice as an old man, he acknowledged he wasn't a great father and that Bruce had been a good son
I just ran away and never really went back - i probably saw mum less than 5 times in 17 or 18 years
I never talk about my family yet i talk about my home town all the time
This lady i had lunch with every day for 3 years was shocked one day to realize i actually had a family because i never mentioned them

@Daisys and Diamonds, I cannot tell you how much I feel for the child that you were and that you will forever hold inside you. I find your compassion toward your mother amazing. You are miraculously able to see her as a human who suffered. I do not know many people who could do that after having been put through what she put you through. You may be an angel sent to this earth.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[AGBF]

@Daisys and Diamonds My mom also thought she was a good mom. When we were kids she would make us say that we loved her. Even as we were crying in pain or recoiling in fear she wanted to know we loved her. As we grew that didn’t work anymore. She didn’t ever seem to understand why her children did not respond with the love she felt she deserved. She was genuinely hurt by this and she would tell people wild stories to explain why 3 of 4 of her children basically abandoned her. She could never bring herself to accept the truth and if I ever mentioned it she would recoil in painful denial. She had created her own reality in which she was the victim.

After she died I found several Mother’s rings in her jewelry box. She had bought them all for herself along with several sets of bracelet charms. Each a set of 2 boys and 2 girls representing me and my siblings. It seemed to me that she was recreating a little family in jewelry form that she didn’t have for real. I knew she always wanted one of her children to give her a Mother’s ring and I was the only one who could have. It would have meant the world to her. I never did because I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge her false reality. I was there for her functionally but not always as a daughter. Sometimes there is remorse for not being able to do better for her in that.
Her death brought some feelings/thoughts that were completely unexpected. I wrestle with it sometimes as it seems you do as well.

@1ofakind, your story is truly heartbreaking. Children need love. They need to feel that there is at least one person in the world who loves them. Even if that person is strict and sometimes hurts them, if they feel loved, they can flourish. It sounds as if your mother robbed you of everything a mother should should provide. I am truly sorry.

You are a good person to be able to be there for a mother who was never a loving mother to you. I am sorry that you suffer from remorse for not doing more for her in her later years. I hope that with time those feelings will pass.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[AGBF]

I know I'm mega sensitive at the moment as we had to have our 17 and a half year old golden retriever cross put down last week but the wonderful instinctive Max being put down for aggression must be the ultimate irony. Thank goodness for pets. And even though we may grieve their loss when they go (unashamedly more than for many humans we lose) we can be comforted by the fact that they gave us something profoundly special. Wishing you all the best Sandy.

I am so sorry. My first dog as an adult was a Golden. She was an angel. Losing a beloved pet is beyond awful.

Hugs,
(((Polished)))
Deb

 

[Niffler75]

Hi everyone I usually like to contribute to threads. I have found this very, very hard reading!
I am so sorry for everyone who had difficult childhoods. I count myself as being one of those. I lived mostly away from home from the age of 9.
I carried the trauma for years through to my 20's and a lot of my 30's. I never wanted to be a mum back then.
My mother has passed away. I have no idea where my father is or if he is still alive.
I have mostly moved on and am now a mum to a wonderful boy. My parenting is the polar opposite of what I experienced as a child.
I hope and pray for anyone that has had these experiences that you somehow manage to find some peace.

 

[AGBF]

Hi everyone I usually like to contribute to threads. I have found this very, very hard reading!
I am so sorry for everyone who had difficult childhoods. I count myself as being one of those. I lived mostly away from home from the age of 9.
I carried the trauma for years through to my 20's and a lot of my 30's. I never wanted to be a mum back then.
My mother has passed away. I have no idea where my father is or if he is still alive.
I have mostly moved on and am now a mum to a wonderful boy. My parenting is the polar opposite of what I experienced as a child.
I hope and pray for anyone that has had these experiences that you somehow manage to find some peace.

I love your postings, @Niffler, and find you a very kind, thoughtful, caring woman. Your son is lucky to have you as a mother. I am sorry for the pain of your childhood. If you should ever want to share any story from it, feel free to do so.

Big hugs,
(((Niffler)))
Deb

 

[Niffler75]

@AGBF ((hugs)) back you are very kind!
The miles may separate us but life experiences can bring people together.
I stand together, shoulder to shoulder, with everyone who has had difficult childhoods. It is so very hard but recovery/ moving on with life is possible. x

 

[Musia]

I'm not ready to share my story and probably never will be.
I have read with tears streaming down my face the stories here.
I am so very sorry about what happened to so many and admire the strengh to survive it and rise above it.

Giving you hugs Karl. I wish I had a brother like you!

 

[1ofakind]

@mellowyellowgirl Oh I am sure My mom had some level of mental illness. She was also a terrible hoarder, a manipulator, and she could put on a false front that you would totally believe. For a while she went Dr shopping and was diagnosed with everything from depression to PTSD to multiple personality disorder. That last one was a hoot (not) as she lived It out. She became whatever the diagnosis said she was. When my younger sister was born mom went through a depression (I assume) and that is when the neglect was really bad. She didn’t take care of herself, the baby or the rest of us. My dad worked second shift so it was all up to me in the evenings to make dinner, do laundry (If I wanted to wear clean clothes) and look after my siblings, make sure schoolwork was done look after mom and whatever list of chores dad had left. He would wake me up when he got home from work if it wasn’t all done.
I was 8. I became a doer...I did what needed to be done and tried not to make her mad. I knew if I was sent to bed without dinner then no one else would be eating either. There were days in a row when she would send me to my room directly after school, no dinner, no telling me why, nothing. I think she was sometimes mad that I was doing her job.

Please forgive me for smiling a bit that your mom at least acknowledges that you have made something of yourself even as she wrongly takes credit. My parents are terribly embarrassed of me! I‘m the only one who went to college, married a stable man, I’m happy and my family is great. Yet mom would tell me often that she felt sorry for my children and dad is worse....he can’t believe I live like ‘this’. In a clean house with working water and appliances washing myself everyday and all....I’m soooo spoiled, lol. He has called me lazy for using Alexa to keep my shopping list and using cruise control. He told a guy once that ’this’ isn’t how he raised me, he did his best but I still turned out this way. OMG!! How demented is that. It’s absurd land and I can laugh about it. To think he’d ever be glad for me or proud...I don’t hold my breath.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Omg @1ofakind I think we had the same parents!!! My mother hoards too!

Whenever mine tried to buy a property there would be lots of yelling and berating if the seller did not accept the offer they made. Clearly it was my fault for not being personable enough and therefore the agent didn't want to sell the house to us. I was eleven!!!!

We bought a new house recently that we really love. I didn't tell them much about it knowing what they're like. So my dad rings me up and tells me that we should just pack a few sleeping bags for a few weeks to satisfy our need to play. Then we should get rid of the house ASAP so we can buy a property that's not an embarrassment and be able to face the world. Seriously wtf. I hung up on him.

Then a few days later the witch rings to tell me that she cries every night because I have to walk to the train station and catch the train and this house is so awful, it's so far from the train station (it's 200m closer than the old house but whatever). She birthed me and she can't bear the thought of me walking to the train station in winter. Again wtf.

My son is not really my son because I didn't tell them when I gave birth so since they didn't witness the birth he's definitely not my son. Plus he's conventionally good looking and we're an ugly couple so I must have bought him from somewhere.

When I ask where did I buy my son from, she tells me Buddha will punish me for taking someone's child.

The stories and theories do not stay constant. They switch and change depending on mood.

Do you think they genuinely believe this is all real or is it like invented botched reality to help them adjust somehow?

As the years go by the theories become more wild. I'm at the point where I'm intrigued as to what is going on in there.

 

[voce]

@SandyinAnaheim I am so sorry you had such a terrible childhood. It's horrific. A mother who used you as a punching bag and a sister who, not only did she not sympathize, but used your mother's violence for her own very selfish agenda. I'm glad you have survived all that abuse, and can have bonds with animals. I would have personally broken off relations with your mother and your sister, were I in your place. I don't know how likely it would be for you to adopt a child, but I think if you can love and never abuse an animal, you can love and never abuse a human child. You deserve so much more, and for what it's worth, I think your fear of perpetuating the cycle is unfounded. If anything, I think you would break the cycle.

@mellowyellowgirl @1ofakind I'm glad you've come out of your childhoods stronger and better.

Looking back on my own childhood, my dad never cared what I wanted, because elders knew better, so what they wanted for me was "obviously" better than what I wanted for myself. I didn't ever get praised for my parents so I had an unhealthy obsession with perfectionism. Then when I couldn't be a perfect student in the major my parents convinced me to major in, I had a breakdown and was depressed for years. This will undoubtedly impact my own parenting style because I vow to respect my children's wishes, and be less dictatorial about important life choices.

I'm turning 35 later this year. In my childhood I've had abusive language, and physical punishment that some might consider abusive but I don't. Having acquired self awareness as I matured, I know I was a difficult child who didn't respect authority at all. I'd talk back and provoke my parents' anger on purpose if I felt I was being treated unfairly. So the caning, belting etc always had a direct "trigger" from my words or my actions, instead of being unleashed randomly. I know my parents had tough days in the outside world, but not once had anything not related to me resulted in physical punishment for me.

My brother was very much the same, but he was 12 years younger, so he didn't remember the times when I got beaten. As a child, he always assumed I was the one who got away with everything and was favored, just because he didn't remember when I got beaten. As he got older, he witnessed episodes when my arguments with dad resulted in him breaking things and approaching me with a cane, I'd go into a bathroom to physically separate myself, and he would knock the cane forcefully into the bathroom door, shouting all the while that he wanted to kill me. This was when my brother was a teenager and I was an adult. At that point my brother understood my childhood wasn't any rosier than his was when it came to physical punishment.

Honestly, if physical punishment was able to change my mind or my brother's mind about anything, aka affect real change in the child's thought or behavior, I wouldn't be against it so long as it didn't cause any lasting or life-threatening harm. However, all evidence points to physical punishment being completely ineffective, and thus utterly unproductive, at producing any positive change in a child. Thus, I will not perpetuate this barbarity on my own children.