Who pays for the e-ring?

[grapegravity]

Date: 12/18/2006 11:38:03 PM
Author: the other Jake
Lol, I love making controversy. Grapegravity I apologize and was not serious in my post. Please don''t take offense and I think it is very romantic that your man worked so hard for you. You should feel very lucky!

Thank you for your apology Jake... my non-asian background friend often feel sorry for my bf though... and no matter how hard I told him that he DOESN"T have to work his butt off to pay for everything, he still go ahead and do it... So that makes me a very lucky woman...

By the way, his from viet, and I''m from taiwan...

 

[asscherisme]

My husband bought the ring for me. My parents refused to pay for a wedding (messy divorce and each thoght the other should pay) my grandma being horribly embarrased gave us a very generous prewedding gift to help pay for the wedding and my husband and I made up the rest of the wedding cost ourselves.

It was a small but very elegant wedding financed 2/3 by my grandma and 1/3 by my now husband and myself.

Honeymoon was paid for by money my husband saved when single.

Our first two years of marriage I supported HIM while he finished his schooling.

 

[grapegravity]

Date: 12/19/2006 9:09:14 AM
Author: tuanle55

Date: 12/18/2006 7:06:56 PM
Author: wimpwgn

Date: 12/18/2006 7:03:15 PM
Author: grapegravity
From my own experience, the guy HAVE to (yes, according to both my boyfriend and my family background) pay for EVERYTHING! From the engagement to the whole wedding, to the house... And my boyfriend saved up and bought everthing! and now only the wedding planning left....

And all my friends are like that too...

I guess you don''t marry an average joe then.

My reaction to this post was the same of Jake. I want to resort to a lot of name calling myself too but will hold back for the sake of keeping the forum clean.
Unless she''s just bragging and exaggerating things a bit, there''s something terribly wrong having your man work 12 hours a day / 6 days a week. Also when you get marry, everything is joint. So whether or not he paid for everything now, ultimately it''s really a shared expense. Instead of coming in the marriage with said $XXX amount, he''s coming in now with $XX. Everything in life must be balanced otherwise you end up making sacrifices somewhere else. I am viet also, I don''t think that is typical of an asian/vietnamese tradition at all.

Just to clearify things, my bf is a workoholic... he LOVES working.. over the past 9 years, we have many arguments over this, I have tried to stop him from working so hard, but he kept on saying how he enjoys and also "but I want you to be money worry free..." What else can I say... I REALLY don''t want him to work that much and spend more time with me

...

And the way his parents raised him up is also the key... he feels that he has the responsibility to pay for everything for the marriage since after marriage, I''ll be a part of his family... no longer have my orginal last name...

Please no judgement, I''m simply telling my story...

 

[grapegravity]

I just don''t understand why people gets so frustrated when I was just simply answer the topic of this post...

Maybe I shouldn''t participate in any posts anymore... PS wasn''t like this 3 years ago...

 

[winternight]

Well personally I have no interest in marrying the average Joe. I think the guy should pay.

As for the comment made above, I think her finance isn''t just working for the marriage - he''s working to set up his/their future. Seriously many of the attorneys I know put in alot of weekends but that''s because they want the bonus at the end of the year or they''re hoping to make partner. And there are cultural/personal differences, no need to be rude.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/19/2006 10:45:25 AM
Author: grapegravity
Please no judgement, I'm simply telling my story...

You poor thing! I think that those three posters really read your post looking for something offensive in it (whether consciously or subconsciously), because there is nothing in there worthy of judgement. You said that according to your boyfriend it is his responsibility to pay for everything, not that you are making him do it. It is quite obviously his "right" to fulfill whatever economic obligations he believes that he has to you or his family, regardless of whether that fits the Western "norm" (which seems to be what has the other posters all riled up) because, seriously, why on earth should everyone fit that norm--especially if they hail from a country outside of the Western block?

It would probably be equally disturbing and unfathomable for this guy to hear that some women help pay for their own wedding--even though it sounds as though that's what the upset (male) posters would all want out of their partners.

----(and please, no room for personal flaming/attacks on me, because I am doing just that--but if FH refused to let me pay, I would indeed respect his wishes.)

Please posters, try to understand that every cultural subset has different traditions, and indeed every family within that cultural subset has its own traditions unique to only that unit. What they believe to be absolutely necessary doesn't say anything about how you do things, just as what you do should in no way dictate their choices.

ETA: It is really not the nature of this forum to post such mean-spirited inflammatory things... perhaps you guys should revisit the forum policies

 

[wimpwgn]

Edit:

My mama used to tell me, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

*zipping up my mouth*

 

[stags14]

Date: 12/19/2006 11:00:31 AM
Author: winternight
Well personally I have no interest in marrying the average Joe. I think the guy should pay.

You think the guy should pay for everything - or just the e-ring? Why do you think that?

 

[MMM]

What about the man and his parents sharing the cost of the ering? How would this go over??

 

[the other Jake]

Date: 12/19/2006 11:00:08 AM
Author: grapegravity
I just don't understand why people gets so frustrated when I was just simply answer the topic of this post...

Maybe I shouldn't participate in any posts anymore... PS wasn't like this 3 years ago...

You are being way too hard on yourself! You must understand that what you posted is not typical in American culture so many do not understand the tradition. I like hearing other people opinions and seeing different points of view and you provide that! Just because a few people that don't know all the facts post rude comments (including myself)... you shouldn't get upset. No one is going to agree 100% of the time. Don't quit posting just because of me- I'll play nice, I promise

 

[grapegravity]

Date: 12/19/2006 11:38:45 AM
Author: MMM
What about the man and his parents sharing the cost of the ering? How would this go over??

Hmm... I do know one of my friend, he asked his dad to chip in for the wedding... but I don''t think the parents chip in for the ring...

 

[grapegravity]

Date: 12/19/2006 11:39:18 AM
Author: the other Jake

Date: 12/19/2006 11:00:08 AM
Author: grapegravity
I just don''t understand why people gets so frustrated when I was just simply answer the topic of this post...

Maybe I shouldn''t participate in any posts anymore... PS wasn''t like this 3 years ago...

You are being way too hard on yourself! You must understand that what you posted is not typical in American culture so many do not understand the tradition. I like hearing other people opinions and seeing different points of view and you provide that! Just because a few people that don''t know all the facts post rude comments (including myself)... you shouldn''t get upset. No one is going to agree 100% of the time. Don''t quit posting just because of me- I''ll play nice, I promise

Thank you Jake...

 

[wimpwgn]

Date: 12/19/2006 11:31:31 AM
Author: stags14

Date: 12/19/2006 11:00:31 AM

Author: winternight

Well personally I have no interest in marrying the average Joe. I think the guy should pay.

You think the guy should pay for everything - or just the e-ring? Why do you think that?

You should ask her if her back hurts everyday from the gold digging.

Oops, here I go again. Sorry, *double zipping my mouth*

 

[colorkitty]

Grape, no judgments here and I guess I would consider myself kind of a judgmental person. It never sounded to me like you were twisting his arm into this, but rather that he is choosing this. I'm sorry you've had arguments over him working so much. I hope it all works out for you!

I'm the kind of person who would have no problem marrying a gas station attendant if that's who I fell in love with, and I'd have no problem forgoing an engagement ring and wedding. But to others, it's really important that they marry someone who can buy them nice things or provide financial stability, and that's fine. As long as you're honest with your partner, and he/she agrees to your values, where's the harm?

Edited to add: second paragraph was inspired by the reaction to another post in this thread, not grape's.

 

[colorkitty]

What''s wrong with being a gold digger? Assuming the woman is honest about it? If a man does not want to be in that sort of relationship, then he is free to walk away. If he does, he must be getting something worthwhile out of it. Either way, as long is it''s not costing the tax-payers, it''s none of my business.

For the record, I''m not implying that anyone in this thread is a gold digger. I''m just asking a general question.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Well, I''m probably in the minority here. My bf is a military man and doesn''t make much money. I take home more than 5 times what he does. When it came time to purchase a ring, I told him what I wanted and we agreed that I would get exactly what I want. We do not live together yet, but will be getting married in March. The ring was put onto one of my credit cards with 0% interest, and "WE" will make the payments and pay it off before the 0% interest runs out. Our money will be combined once we are married anyway.

 

[wimpwgn]

Date: 12/19/2006 12:08:47 PM
Author: colorkitty
What''s wrong with being a gold digger? Assuming the woman is honest about it? If a man does not want to be in that sort of relationship, then he is free to walk away. If he does, he must be getting something worthwhile out of it. Either way, as long is it''s not costing the tax-payers, it''s none of my business.


For the record, I''m not implying that anyone in this thread is a gold digger. I''m just asking a general question.

Absoltely nothing. They are skillful in what they do.

 

[pl0112]

Grapegravity--

I noticed from your previous post that your ring had 129 facets? It''s gorgeous!! It looks substantial on your hand-- do you mind me asking the carat weight of your stone?

Thanks!
PL

 

[the other Jake]

Date: 12/18/2006 6:44:11 PM
Author:Kissingfish
Not sure if this has been discussed before or not -- And I know that traditionally the man would buy the engagement ring and propose to his significant other..

Is it the same these days?

I mean, personally, I did just that -- went to a jeweler, (in my case designed a ring), paid for it, and will present it to my girlfriend once it''s made as a surprise.. I know that these days both the guy and gal choose the engagement ring together.. However.. Is it acceptable (or in some cases expected) these days for both parties of the relationship to contribute with the expenses of the engagement ring?

I never answered your question. Might as well get the thread back on track. Traditionally I think it was and still is the guys duty to pay for the ring. I guess if you wanted to be sneaky about it, but still get her to pay- The guy could finance the ring (whether he needs to or not), then propose. Then all he has to do tastefully complain or hint about his poor financial situation to his soon to be wife... She would pity him then help him out!

I am so cynical.

 

[grapegravity]

Date: 12/19/2006 12:04:17 PM
Author: colorkitty
Grape, no judgments here and I guess I would consider myself kind of a judgmental person. It never sounded to me like you were twisting his arm into this, but rather that he is choosing this. I''m sorry you''ve had arguments over him working so much. I hope it all works out for you!

I''m the kind of person who would have no problem marrying a gas station attendant if that''s who I fell in love with, and I''d have no problem forgoing an engagement ring and wedding. But to others, it''s really important that they marry someone who can buy them nice things or provide financial stability, and that''s fine. As long as you''re honest with your partner, and he/she agrees to your values, where''s the harm?

Edited to add: second paragraph was inspired by the reaction to another post in this thread, not grape''s.

Thank you colorkitty...
It''s the financial instability that he had experienced when he was young that caused him to work and earn as much $ as he can right now.. I respect and appreciate how he is working hard to provide me and him a better future... We still have minor arguments sometimes because he still go to work when he''s sick

... But other than that, everything is fine... we enjoys evey moment we spent time together...

 

[grapegravity]

Date: 12/19/2006 12:18:32 PM
Author: pl0112
Grapegravity--

I noticed from your previous post that your ring had 129 facets? It''s gorgeous!! It looks substantial on your hand-- do you mind me asking the carat weight of your stone?

Thanks!
PL

Hehehe.. I actually just traded in that baby (0.82ct, H, VS2,128 facets canadian diamond) last week for 1.20 ct, H, SI2 with 100 facets canadian diamond... let''s see if I can take some picture tonight and post on here... no promises tho...

 

[wimpwgn]

Date: 12/19/2006 12:25:15 PM
Author: grapegravity

Date: 12/19/2006 12:04:17 PM

Author: colorkitty

Grape, no judgments here and I guess I would consider myself kind of a judgmental person. It never sounded to me like you were twisting his arm into this, but rather that he is choosing this. I''m sorry you''ve had arguments over him working so much. I hope it all works out for you!


I''m the kind of person who would have no problem marrying a gas station attendant if that''s who I fell in love with, and I''d have no problem forgoing an engagement ring and wedding. But to others, it''s really important that they marry someone who can buy them nice things or provide financial stability, and that''s fine. As long as you''re honest with your partner, and he/she agrees to your values, where''s the harm?


Edited to add: second paragraph was inspired by the reaction to another post in this thread, not grape''s.

Thank you colorkitty...

It''s the financial instability that he had experienced when he was young that caused him to work and earn as much $ as he can right now.. I respect and appreciate how he is working hard to provide me and him a better future... We still have minor arguments sometimes because he still go to work when he''s sick

... But other than that, everything is fine... we enjoys evey moment we spent time together...

He must be an investment banker.

 

[grapegravity]

Date: 12/19/2006 12:33:48 PM
Author: wimpwgn


He must be an investment banker.

Actually, he did all sorts of jobs over the years... From cleaner, waiter, warehouse personnel, etc. , to now - oil & gas computer programmer... He knows that I love him no matter what he does for a living (as long as it''s not dirty $ or drug related)...

 

[stags14]

Date: 12/19/2006 12:04:17 PM
Author: colorkitty
But to others, it''s really important that they marry someone who can buy them nice things or provide financial stability, and that''s fine.

Who would want to be with someone that "loves" them based on what their bank account. To those out there that are like that, I say shame on you and shame on your parents for raising you the way they did.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

My husband bought the ring, we never even went ring shopping together. I told him that I wanted a pear cut and he went (with his mom) and picked out a beautiful ring. As for the other things, we paid for most of our wedding ourselves. My dad paid for the reception, his parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and the booze for the reception, we paid for the honeymoon.

 

[stags14]

Date: 12/19/2006 12:08:47 PM
Author: colorkitty
What''s wrong with being a gold digger?

I am not even sure where to start with that question.... A gold-digging woman is a worthless member of society. A man that caters to a gold-digging woman is as equally worthless. It is pathetic and disgusts me to see those types of relationships.

 

[wimpwgn]

Date: 12/19/2006 1:00:34 PM
Author: stags14

Date: 12/19/2006 12:08:47 PM

Author: colorkitty

What''s wrong with being a gold digger?

I am not even sure where to start with that question.... A gold-digging woman is a worthless member of society. A man that caters to a gold-digging woman is as equally worthless. It is pathetic and disgusts me to see those types of relationships.

I kind of agree with him, but I want to play nice.

 

[mtrb]

If you are going to choose it together, than you should pay for it together. If you are going to go the traditional route and giver her something from your heart..then you should pay for the entirety. Depends on the relationship really.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/19/2006 12:57:30 PM
Author: stags14
Who would want to be with someone that 'loves' them based on what their bank account. To those out there that are like that, I say shame on you and shame on your parents for raising you the way they did.

Some might say shame on you and shame on your parents for raising you to be so forcefully malicious and judgemental.

However, I am not one of those people, and would not volunteer such criticism unprovoked.

Everyone is different, and everyone has different priorities in life. Some people choose to view marriage as simply a legal contract that will protect their (potential) children and provide them a safety net. If both partners are in agreement that that is the purpose that the union serves, then there is no harm done. There is nothing wrong with this, even if you or I choose to view marriage in a different light.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 12/19/2006 1:00:34 PM
Author: stags14

Date: 12/19/2006 12:08:47 PM
Author: colorkitty
What''s wrong with being a gold digger?

I am not even sure where to start with that question.... A gold-digging woman is a worthless member of society. A man that caters to a gold-digging woman is as equally worthless. It is pathetic and disgusts me to see those types of relationships.

Forgive me for not realizing that a "gold digger" only applied to a woman.

Stags...in a previous post you stated,

"I have no problem with my girlfriend picking me up, paying for meals, etc... A guy that "showers" his significant other with presents and material things is insecure and trying to buy her affection. This is even more true if it happens early on in a relationship. A guy trying to buy a woman''s affection is truly a sad sight to see.

If you want to be a good person and do the guy a favor, return the present and tell him to start acting like a man with some confidence and not like some schmuck trying to buy your love. "

Forgive me for not understanding. You don''t have a problem with your girlfriend paying for you....but men that pay for their girlfriends lack confidence and are trying to buy their love? But women that accept gifts from their boyfriends are gold-diggers?

Why then did you buy your girlfriend an e-ring? By your statement your girlfriend would only be a good person if she returned the e-ring and told you to act like a man with some confidence... So...when she doesn''t, is she a gold digger?

This post is in no means an attack on you. Sometimes the way things are written they are not always percieved as intended. Some posts latley have been extreamly judgemental and not at all what this forum is intended for.