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why can''t boys just figure things out on their own?

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Smurfysmiles

Smurfysmiles

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2007
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This is a vent post...warning, warning....vent post oh and p.s. sorry i havent been posting much lately, our internet is out of whack

so call me crazy but if your SO told you he was planning to work on your 3 year anniversary would you not be upset? because i certainly was. he could''ve said hey we can do something earlier that day before i go to work but nooooooo he said we probably aren''t doing anything because i have to work which of course made me remember last year when we didnt do anything and on my birthday this year he didnt even get me a card...am i nuts to be upset? would it really kill him just to take 2 minutes out of his day to make me a card with a piece of paper and a marker and write happy anniversary on it? probably

and so of course i sent him a text that basically said dont talk to me until you are ready to act like a boyfriend. so of course he is not talking to me right now and of course i apologized to him and i am on the verge of tears. will someone please tell me im not insane
 
You are not insane! Men are horrible!

(Not feeling too geat about the male species right now. See my other thread!)
 
Grrrr!! That''s made me really mad!! Of course he should buy you a birthday card! Grrrrr!!
 
awe I''m sorry you are feeling upset Smurfy. To play devils advocate is their a chance that he just can''t get off of work? I know I''ll be working on our Anni this year (if it doesn''t fall on a weeked... I haven''t even checked, haha) I think most people end up working on their anniversaries. Is there anyway you can do something speical the weekend before or after?

In anycase, I think you may just need some time to cool off and then think about how you can make your anniversary special together.

When it comes to what he did (or didn''t do) on your birthday this year. That sucks and would upset me too. It that just his personallity? Have you told him that you would like him to put in more of an effort?

Hope you feel better soon. **Hugs**
 
happy anniversary smurfy!

i'm sorry your boyfriend is being a bonehead (that's what my stepdad would call him...a bonehead). i think your guy is in the majority though of how boyfriends generally are. when our 3 year anniversary passed this past february (the day before valentines day, mind you), i got my cards (for our anniversary, valentines day, and my last birthday...which had been the previous march) two days after valentines day with a bouquet of flowers that he had to leave my apartment to buy (meaning he came over, forgot he didn't do anything special, left and came back with them, even though i told him i didn't want flowers). so...yeah, i feel your pain.

of course it would be great if guys were as thoughtful and caring about this stuff as we were
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unfortunately, well, a lot of them aren't. and i think your only option is to either spell it out for him way beforehand what you want to do and what you expect of him, go about what you would normally do for him and just not expect anything of him in return, or drop the whole celebration thing all together. no matter what we just have to accept it if we want to avoid inevitable disappointment every year
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but then again, what do i know? my birthday was yesterday and i'm still card/presentless
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i tell him all the time how i feel about it
i know i would''nt have gotten flowers a couple years ago if i hadn''t asked him everyday
this year i bought myself flowers

he is not a romantic guy but he knows that i am a romantic girl
i mean seriously, would it kill him just to TRY??

he only works nights when he does work and that is why i am bothered that he didn''t mention doing something in the afternoon for our anniversary. it''s not like he works overnights, he works 4pm-2am(at the latest)

i really just need to punch something
i did dishes today thinking that would get it out of my system but it didnt and im still mad at myself for apologizing because i dont feel like i did anything wrong.
 
buy him the book "the five love languages" or something like that, and highlight the chapters you deem necessary
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threadjack

Happy Birthday Mimzy!

/threadjack

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i don''t think i''ve even read that book, is it about how to get men to do what you want? lol
 
I feel your pain, Smurfy. In fact, I was just thinking about this issue earlier today. I won''t go into tremendous detail, but I think I need to really hammer it into his head that these things are important to me, and even though they aren''t to him, he should do them because they make ME happy. He''s always saying he''d do anything for me...

AND my BF had the nerve to be insulted when I told him he wasn''t good at being romantic. I think a step in the direction of romance might include remembering our anniversary, know what I mean?
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But, I''ll take baby steps. Last summer I told him people really like to receive cards for occasions and I got a birthday card!!
 
well i told him if remembering special occasions didnt matter to him that i was throwing out all the birthday cards i had given him, which i did
did he care? nooooo
ugh *cries*
 
haha thanks kayakqueen!

smurfy, it''s about the different ways that people give and recieve love (or at least demonstrate love). i think they are gifts, quality time, compliments, acts of service, and physical touch. and most people tend to give in the ways that they prefer to recieve...so if he is big on getting compliments, he''s likely going to show his love for you by giving them. if he doesn''t really care about giving gifts, etc, then he''s not likely to automatically think of that when he''s trying to show you love. most people have one or two big ones, and then a third one that is pretty secondary, and it''s usually really obvious to a person which category they fall in to!

there are like a zillion different version of the book (for men, for couples, for cats, whatever), but i''ve only read the original. it might be worth the time if you guys went over it together?
 
**HUGS** I feel your tears...You didn''t do anything wrong, you shouldn''t have apologized, but I think most girls would have apologized, because our gender usually take the position of making peace, rather than sticking up for yourself.

I don''t know if this will help, but the way I go about it is, I stopped trying to make him romantic. It''s baffling to us that men can''t seem to go out of their way a few times a year, but that''s how a lot of them are.
Last year, I gave him a list of what I want to do for my birthday myself. I even drove. The first birthday we were together, we went to the bakery to buy my birthday cake. He didn''t know that he didn''t have enough money, and I ended up paying for it (he gave it back, of course). Compared with this, on both years, I planned a special outing for his birthday.

To paraphrase Miss Abby, he is affectionate, he gives me attention, he gives me praise, he gives me support, and he gives me assistance. I figured I can cross out romance and still be happy.
 
yeah i''ll definitely have to check into that
thanks mimzy
 
Oh no!! but now i feel like you''re trying to hurt him the way he hurt you. If you tell him how much this actually bothers you, and he still doesn''t change anything, that''s a huge problem, in my mind. What reason does he have for not even giving you a card, other than that such things aren''t important to him? It''s not a huge personal sacrifice to sign a piece of paper and hand it over...
 
no problem! here''s a link to a little overview of it love languages

i think it might be rooted in christianity, but if it is it certainly isn''t overwhelming or in your face, it''s really focused on helping couples better interact and love each other
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Wow! You are a whole lot more tolerant than I am... I broke up with my last bf because he didn''t get me anything for my Bday, and a card wold have been fine. To me it is selfish and you have every right to be angry and annoyed. He should know better, he''s an adult. Forget his next Bday and see how he feels.
I will say that I used to make the mistake of apologizing when I hadn''t done anything just to rectify a situation, and to be honest it only hurts you in the long run bc you will resent him for these things. Stand your ground and he will realize what he has done. I promise!

Hugs to you!
 
i suppose i could make plans on our anniversary with my girlfriends if he feels that way
 
I know your pain... my bf isn''t into the sentimental stuff either.... and has told me that he wouldn''t be upset if I skipped on that stuff too- although I caught his bluff on that one once.... for V-day this year he had to wake up early the day after and tried to get back home before I noticed that he had been anywhere- I had to go somehwere and it was kind of funny to see his face when he got "caught" with the bag in hand (he claimed he was just trying to save money)- ha!). Unfortunately I''ve just had to accept that is who he is, and that''s how its going to be.... I try to emphasize the important stuff that I simply cannot live without and tell him what I value (AKA tell him what he''s going to be in trouble for if he skips out on)- I don''t push it with the day-to-day romance.

Even though I have grown to let go of a lot of that kind of stuff... It still rubs me the wrong way at times because I often will think "oh i didnt make a big deal out of our anniversary coming up... but I''m sure he KNOWS I expect for it to be celebrated in someway"- to which I am disappointed to each time... I guess we give them too much credit to understand just how much we like all that stuff.
 
ETA, my suggestion works for me because he really tries so hard to make me gush, but it''s just so difficult for him to execute. I know it sounds like a lame excuse, but if you saw the way he struggles on how to make things special, and FAIL miserably, you can''t help but feeling sorry and say "aww, it''s ok...".

In your case Smurfy, it seems like he cares squat about these things. Worse yet, he doesn''t care that YOU care. Hmmm, I would have issues with this...Just a thought. But then, I''m only judging form what you write...
 
add me to list of ladies with a romantically challenged BF!

I think you should tell him how much it bothers you but give some sort of compromise. Similar to what choro does I will give a list of things I would love to do on my birthday and I also have a running wish list of items on amazon for presents that I update whenever I think of something I would like! This way it is still a surprise for me and gives him a much better idea of what my idea of a good day would be so that *hopefully* in the future he can do it himself! Remember subtle hints rarely work with these men of ours...just put it out there! I tell him he''s on his own for valentines day though....im not making the plans for that one lol!
 
I''m sorry, smurfy, I totally know how you feel. Usually I have to tell BF what I want or am expecting for special occasions or holidays, and sometimes I just wish he would figure it out himself. I''ve told him a lot over the 4.5 years we''ve been dating that it would make me feel not so great if he didn''t at least TRY to get out of work or other things on birthdays and our anniversary. I feel like if I don''t specifically tell him that, he won''t figure it out on his own.
 
you guys are right about saying what you want
i just wish i didnt have to tell him everyday for 100 days before it actually happened
 
Oh Smurfy...I had this same fit last week. I basically asked the same question: I wish you did things because you want to and not because I ask you to! Guys really suck sometimes...
 
Sometimes gals, you need to change your expectations because guys won''t change.

Even IF you got him to do it now, I can almost guarantee you that it would change after you are married. Some guys don''t have it in them. Either you drive yourself crazy or figure out a way to live with it.

We as women really do a poor job sometimes of realizing and appreciating how men DO show their love. If you (I''m using "you" generally here, not just to Smurfy) are not seeing his affection and care in other ways, then I would ask why you are with him.

My brother is a total romantic. Every valentine''s day, he would bring flowers for me and my mom. The reason? Because my father never did anything for my mom and I was single and he didn''t want us to feel left out. When I met TGuy he exclaimed with glee, "Can I stop getting you flowers now?" Ha...have I gotten flowers for vday since? Nope. Do I care? Nope. I still miss those flowers from my bro though because it was so genuinely sweet he would do that for me.

My bro still makes cards for his wife. Handmakes them. He takes a week off from work for her birthday every year and takes her on a trip. Anniversaries are celebrated in Hawaii every year. But this is WHO HE IS. He was ALWAYS that way. Sometimes it made me want to barf.
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I pick my own presents. I''m lucky if I get a note on my birthday. Anniversaries? Uh, we both forget.

But TGuy doesn''t let me carry groceries in case I strain myself. He calls me everyday to let me know he''s on his way home from work. He likes me to come hang out with him, even if it''s with the boys. Is it romantic? Not in the traditional sense, no. But I do love that he THINKS of me even in those little things. Sometimes women are so fixated on the things for show, they don''t stop and notice the things that really come from the heart.
 
Date: 3/25/2008 6:52:13 PM
Author: sunnyd
Oh Smurfy...I had this same fit last week. I basically asked the same question: I wish you did things because you want to and not because I ask you to! Guys really suck sometimes...
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Agree 100%. I''ve told him that exact thing before, and usually he just shrugs and says sorry.

My BF also doesn''t always know when too much is too much, or realize where the line is before he crosses it. For example, the other day he and I were walking around and laughing and joking with each other about something, and he made a comment about "our stupid wedding." I immediately clammed up and was in complete disbelief that he would say something like that. He was just joking, and I knew it, but it still hurt me that he said that. He could tell immediately how it made me feel and I could tell that he was extremely sorry for saying that and that he didn''t mean it at all, but I wish he would have realized the effect that comment would have on me BEFORE he said it.
 
well i know he knows when our anniversary is and he knows that i know so it completely baffles me as to why he would think i would not want him to ask for it off
i know i already did, but i guess i might as well sign up to work that day instead
 
Date: 3/25/2008 7:11:32 PM
Author: TravelingGal


We as women really do a poor job sometimes of realizing and appreciating how men DO show their love. If you (I''m using ''you'' generally here, not just to Smurfy) are not seeing his affection and care in other ways, then I would ask why you are with him.

Sometimes women are so fixated on the things for show, they don''t stop and notice the things that really come from the heart.
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Well said, TGal! I know that as much as I am disappointed by the things FF DOESN''T do or needs a push to do, I often overlook the things he does do. Personally, I really need to work on this. Sometimes when I stop and think about it, I realize that I don''t give him enough credit.
 
Date: 3/25/2008 7:18:15 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
well i know he knows when our anniversary is and he knows that i know so it completely baffles me as to why he would think i would not want him to ask for it off
i know i already did, but i guess i might as well sign up to work that day instead
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Because men aren''t mind readers and don''t think the same way women do.
 
i know that tgal
dont take this the wrong way but you always seem to know how to kick me when im down
 
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