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why do women worry about the guy cheating on them?...

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Dancing Fire

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when in fact according to a survey, the percentage is the same teh other way around.
 
DF, not in my case. My ex had an affair with a family friend. She was married with a 7 year old child at the time. In fact my ex and I went to her wedding. He ended up divorcing me to run off with her.
 
Same here. My ex cheated on me with a 19 year old secretary at the hospital who had already been married and divorced when she met him! Before our divorce was even final, she was preggers and he had to marry her before the ink on our decree was even dry...
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And our child together wasn''t even 2 years old yet!!!
 
Date: 5/11/2005 12:16
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5 AM
Author: cflutist
DF, not in my case. My ex had an affair with a family friend. She was married with a 7 year old child at the time. In fact my ex and I went to her wedding. He ended up divorcing me to run off with her.
Gosh, I am SO sorry to hear that cflutist! You deserve much better!

I have to admit, I''d NEVER worry about my guy cheating on me-but have worried about myself in the past! You live and learn and if you are lucky enough, the love of your life will stick with you through it all
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! I am so lucky he waited for me to grow up (in my defense, it was college and a "few" years ago, LOL)
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Surveys don't mean much as all are bias.

My best friend cheated on her ex. . .but this was after he turned into an *ss and threw her up against a wall one evening! Soon after, she left him.
 
Date: 5/11/2005 12:16
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5 AM
Author: cflutist
DF, not in my case. My ex had an affair with a family friend. She was married with a 7 year old child at the time. In fact my ex and I went to her wedding. He ended up divorcing me to run off with her.
cflutist
was this other woman alot younger than your ex?
 
My ex maintains to this day that I cheated on her, with my now fiancee.

Dispite the fact that one night after going to the cinema just after new years she turned to me, told me she no longer loved me, and was moving back down to London to stay with a (female) friend for a couple of months before her flight back to Oz which had booked the week before.

Anyways... I didnt get with Caz till a couple of months after the Ex was in Oz - But it suits my ex to paint me as the bad guy
 
Oh cflutist, that just stinks,
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I''m so sorry and so glad for yu that you have found such a nice guy in Websailor.
Abi
 
Suzi - my God that's horrible. I shouldn't post replies 'till I've read everyone. Well done for living through that and I truly hope you're on the other side of the tunnel and that stuff is much better for you now. What a horrible, horrible experience.
Abi

Edited to sneak a reply to Lord S - as you said, to pain herself as the long suffering heroine. You're well shot, as you know of course. Split are bad enough without playing silly buggers.
Abi
 
This is a good discussion and I think Dancing Fire has a valid point. The statistics that I saw recently indicated that overall that men do cheat more in the US than women. I.e. For every 55 guys that cheat there are about 45 gals that cheat. However, there the overall is dominated by age related patterns and that the data amoung the younger generation (under 30) was that the numbers are basically even.

This subject came up at work the other day, and the gals agreed that guys did not have a monopoly on infidelity at all - and they were citing case after case of gals who cheated - and even got pregnant.

I also agree with Lord Summerisle in that many gals seem to complain and paint the guy as "bad" when in reality it was not so (or was even).

The other thing is that there are too many cases where gals complain of sexual harrasement at work. I have personally been accussed twice by gals that I offered to help out. As far as I can see - they cannot concieve of someone helping them without expecting sexual favors in return - thus, if a guy offers to help them the guy must be interested in them. Uggg.

To me, I felt that if they felt comfortable telling me their problems - and I thought I could possibly help - that it was my responsibility to try to help.

Along the same line: I learned long ago not to complement a gal at work for looking nice, or wearing a great outfit - unless we were already freinds; That too is considered sexual harrasment by a number of them.

So here is my question: Gals, why are a bunch of you like that. What is wrong with offereing to help, or complementing you on looking nice or a great looking outfit? Why do so many of you get offended and feel sexually threatened by that? (and no, I am not learing - and the overwhelming vast majority of the time have no "personal" interest in the gal at all: In fact - the few gals that I was specifically interested in - didn''t complain one bit).

Perry
 
Well the reason I say guys cheat more is because every guy I was with, excepting my Fiance (unless I missed something), cheated on me, and while it was simply my fault for choosing losers with this tendency, they were still all dirtbags. My last ex did so with about 27 girls (all confirmed, surely more unconfirmed). He used the internet and internet dating to meet them all. He played the "my girlfriend treats me like crap" routine on all and they were all suckered into it. When they found out he was lying to them, only a few still were dating him, he knocked at least 2 up, one had an abortion that nearly killed her and the other kept it to get support money out of him (her own words). I was so glad we had no sexual relationship otherwise who knows what he would have given me. He to this day denies what he did was wrong, but doesn''t deny anymore that he did it, I found all the hard proof I needed in emails, transcripts and cellphone messages when he was denying it. Stupid moron used my cell one day and called several of these girls. I printed out all of my proof and "wallpapered" our whole house. Then I left to come home to Missouri.
 
They just had a funny bit on Sexual harrassment on Saturday Night Live that I found to be DEAD ON. I totally agree--its based on how attractive they find you. If you are hot, most women won''t be offended, but will be totally flattered. If you aren''t her definition of attractive, it''s horrible and illegal and she must punish you. While not all women go that way, I find that most do. And some are just completely ice-cold and "prudish" and there''s no way getting around it. There is one woman in this office that if a man so much as LOOKS at her when he''s speaking to her, she freaks out "I feel so violated".
 
Date: 5/11/2005 1:30:33 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/11/2005 12:16
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5 AM
Author: cflutist
DF, not in my case. My ex had an affair with a family friend. She was married with a 7 year old child at the time. In fact my ex and I went to her wedding. He ended up divorcing me to run off with her.
cflutist
was this other woman alot younger than your ex?
The other woman was 8 years younger than my ex (I was 7 years younger so there wasn''t much of an age difference). He actually knew her before he knew me. She fled Vietnam during the fall of Saigon, came over here to work in a laundry. So when he finally divorced me to run off with her (they never married) I asked "why didn''t you marry her instead of me?" his response was "well she was young and immature at the time". Go figure.
 
Wow, some of you ladies have been in horrible situations with exes. I truly feel for you, and hope that you are all happy in your relationships now. No one deserves to be treated as some of your exes have treated you. Ugh.

As for me, I have been lucky enough to find quite like-minded monogomous men. While we were on a break, W had an "email fling", but it never went beyond flirting via email, and it''s me who he ended up with at the end of the day. At the same time, I was becoming very close friends with one of my male friends, and had W and I not gotten back together when we did, I think that this friend may have tried to make our relationship more than friendship.

Temptation is always there, but if you have trust in your spouse and faith in your relationship, it''s a non-issue.
 
Don''t you just love that line of crap?
 
Date: 5/11/2005 7:35:20 AM
Author: laughinggravy
Suzi - my God that''s horrible. I shouldn''t post replies ''till I''ve read everyone. Well done for living through that and I truly hope you''re on the other side of the tunnel and that stuff is much better for you now. What a horrible, horrible experience.
Abi

Edited to sneak a reply to Lord S - as you said, to pain herself as the long suffering heroine. You''re well shot, as you know of course. Split are bad enough without playing silly buggers.
Abi
Thanks, laughinggravy. It was a long time ago now, and yes, it was a horrible experience, but I got through it. Lucky for me, a couple of years after my divorce I met the most wonderful man. He helped me get back on my feet emotionally, and rebuild my self-esteem. I have been married to him now for 14 years which have been very happy ones indeed.
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I think that anyone is capable of cheating, regardless of gender. All it takes are the right circumstances and weakness to be present. I''m not saying it''s right...it''s a horrible thing to do to someone. It plays havoc with your self-esteem, not to mention it can give a person huge trust issues in future relationships.

I think that one reason men get a worse rap for cheating than women is because so many men who are in what appear to be happy and healthy relationships will often cheat. Some guys even go around bragging to their buddies about the women they''ve bedded "on the side". With women it''s just different. I think it''s much more rare to find a woman who is in a good relationship who will cheat on her man. I think that most of the time women who cheat are unhappy, abused, or neglected by their men. So they look for love and affection elsewhere. Women are also not as likely to brag about their conquests with "other" men.

There is also another component to it that is gender specific. I really believe that for most men who cheat, it''s mostly about the sex. I think a lot of times when they cheat, it''s a one night stand, or a casual fling. With women, I think there is a lot more of an emotional reason for cheating. They are looking for more that sex...they are also looking for friendship, love, and emotional support that they aren''t getting from their husband or boyfriend.

One more thought...men are much more arrogant than women much of the time. I don''t think it would even occur to most men that their wife might cheat on them (unless she''s a drop dead gorgeous bombshell with men panting all over themselves to be around her). A lot of women probably get away with it right under their men''s noses because of this arrogance...lol. Women on the other hand are much more suspicious minded and paranoid when it comes to men. A lot of us know how sneaky and weak you guys can be...
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Hey ya''ll I just finished up Human Sexuality, not nearly as much fun as it shoudl have been. Anyway if you look at males and females under thirty in serious "monogamus" realtionships about 45% of each gender will cheat. When you expand that to age sixty five 60% of married women will cheat at some point and 40-45% of men (though some papers do go 50/50 not many). Men typically state that their wives had stoped being affectionate or that they wanted someone who hadnt known them for as long so the new girl could see only their strengths and none of the mistakes they had made in the past. Women sited boredom as their number 1, which flat out shocked me, others were they felt like they and their SO had grown apart. However I really wonder how these statistics are being collected for research, how many people who have cheated want to admit to it? I am weary.
As for why do women worry, becuase it is our nature to a certian extent to do so. I love my BF and I trust him. However he lives 1300 miles from me 9 months out of the year. I worry that he will cheat not physcially but emotionally becuase it is so hard to be apart. Deep in my heart I know he never would but that doesnt mean when he and his lab buddies are at the lab until 3am that I am strong enough to not check their away messages too, too find out where they are. Paranoia can damage a realtionship and I wonder if people ever cheat becuase they are/have been accused of doing so often.
Seuxal harressment at work is a real issue, even a look can be labeled that way and I think it hurts people on both sides. I would rather there be stricter regualtions on office gossip, now there is something that cause a lot more trouble.
 
To answer Perry''s question, not the original...probably it depends on the woman and the way a compliment is worded. Some women just feel super uncomfortable to be complimented, especially in front of other people. I have been on the receiving end of some well-meant but cringe-worthy "compliments" that made me want to curl up in the fetal position in a crowded elevator. The comments came from a perfectly harmless older man who no doubt thought he was being charming. It wasn''t charming, it was yucky. Men do have to be careful...but it''s pretty easy to say "I like your ___" in a non-skeevy way.
 
Date: 5/11/2005 12
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8:51 AM
Author:Dancing Fire
when in fact according to a survey, the percentage is the same teh other way around.
Well, is there a survey that shows that women really do worry more about cheating then men do? I know plenty of insecure, paranoid guys who worry when they have absolutey no reason to. One of my friend''s boyfriend drops by to check on her when we''re having coffe at Starbucks just to make sure she''s really with me and not with some guy. And she''s never given him a reason!
 
Date: 5/11/2005 2:11
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7 PM
Author: elepri

Date: 5/11/2005 12
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8:51 AM
Author:Dancing Fire
when in fact according to a survey, the percentage is the same teh other way around.
Well, is there a survey that shows that women really do worry more about cheating then men do? I know plenty of insecure, paranoid guys who worry when they have absolutey no reason to. One of my friend''s boyfriend drops by to check on her when we''re having coffe at Starbucks just to make sure she''s really with me and not with some guy. And she''s never given him a reason!

I think that a lot of those insecure paranoid guys who are always worried and obsessed that their girlfriend/wife is going to cheat are probably that way because they have either cheated on their women or at least THOUGHT about themselves. I had a boyfriend back in college that was like your friend''s boyfriend. He didn''t trust me out of his sight. Didn''t even want me to go out with my girl friends or my own sister! I never had the intention of cheating on him, but eventually he drove me so crazy and had me so frustrated that I actually did go out with someone else behind his back. More than anything, I think I did it because I figured heck...he''s always accusing me of it and dogging my every move, I might as well give him something to really get upset over! Obviously not one of my more mature moves...
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. His attitude eventually caused us to break up. Later, after we had gone our separate ways, I found out that he had been cheating on ME the much of the time that we dated.
 
Date: 5/11/2005 10:42:56 AM
Author: sjz


With women it''s just different. I think it''s much more rare to find a woman who is in a good relationship who will cheat on her man
no, that''s not true......it''s just more rare to find a woman who would admit they cheated on the guy.

I think that most of the time women who cheat are unhappy, abused, or neglected by their men..... women always use those excuse.
 
Date: 5/11/2005 12:16
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5 AM
Author: cflutist
DF, not in my case. My ex had an affair with a family friend. She was married with a 7 year old child at the time. In fact my ex and I went to her wedding. He ended up divorcing me to run off with her.
i think people would be surprise how often this happens,even with his or her best friend because they're so close.
 
i think that cheating can go both ways....either man or woman. i think that men cheating gets more press...but there are women who cheat as well. i read an article recently that was actually bringing this to attention and saying that more women actually cheated than people knew, and many of them were meeting their lovers at the workplace or similar! aka people they see daily.

people say that you can prevent cheating by paying attention to your spouse and/or treating them right etc..but that is not always the case. you can treat them the best ever and some people will STILL be unhappy and/or still stray.

i also don''t believe in being paranoid about someone cheating...aka wondering if they are working late or what they are doing, or being suspicious etc. i strongly feel like there is nothing one can do to really prevent cheating...if someone is going to cheat they will and you being paranoid or watching them like a hawk is not going to keep them from doing it. i figure trust is the most important thing and if that is broken, it is hard to repair.

too many ''made for tv'' movies out there to be naiive but i guess i believe in innocent until provent guilty!
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Date: 5/11/2005 3
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7 PM
Author: Mara
i think that cheating can go both ways....either man or woman. i think that men cheating gets more press...but there are women who cheat as well. i read an article recently that was actually bringing this to attention and saying that more women actually cheated than people knew,
Mara
you''re 100% correct.

the first sign of a woman cheating,if she changes the style of clothes that she normally wears, i.e. from a blue jean type to a dress up typel.from a no make-up type of girl to a girl that always wears make-up.
 
Or in the case of websailor''s ex, she suddenly took up golf but wouldn''t allow websailor to join her. He followed her one day and caught her kissing her boss.
 
So how about we talk about how to prevent cheating or at least reduce the damage it causes to a relationship.

I am sure I will get into hot water on this - but....

Item 1: Honesty in the relationship is a must. Admission of the events, issues, problems, and mistakes leads to finding long term solutions that work.

Item 2: Never say never. Sorry guys and gals, but I''ve been arround to much and seen to much to say it will never happen - that I will not promise that it will never happen. I believe that given the right situation, the right circumstances, etc that it can happen. The key then is to know yourself and your mate and work to elimiate being in those situations.

Also, keep in mind that I also am one of those people who always thinks of the extreem... The stranded on a desert isle, atomic war and society breaks down, war (do you have any idea how sexual you get when you have just survived a life or death situation), etc.

The other situation that could occur was based on a promise I once made to one of my sisters. She was in her early 20''s and a guy was going to take her away to a place a long way away for a year or two. A guy that in my gut I did not trust (years later he proved me to be accurate).

I looked my Sister dead in the eye and told her "if you ever want out and need help call me and I will come and get you., or if you disapear I will come find you and bring you home."

Many of you wonder what could go wrong. I had personally witnessed the international sexual slave trade prior to this - and was in a place where I could have purchased young girl (my option of race and age) for my use with no questions asked (I believe the price was about $150 US at the time).

I forsaw possible troubles that fortunately never happened. However, if needed I would have slept through every brothel and other establishemets if needed, and done many other things I would not normally do to find her.

Years later this sister told me that my telling her that I would come and get her, or come and find her, made all the difference to her. Because she new that I would, and that I would do whatever it took.

There are two sides to that. Would I have been cheating on my GF at the time if I needed to do that. Would you feel that I was cheating on my current GF or future wife if I needed to do that to come and get them.

What I do say, is that my intention is to stay faithfull, to work to avoid the situations where I am vunerable (and I have discussed those situations), and that in extreem - and hopefully extreemly rare situations I will survive the situation with as much dignity and honor as possible. I understand that the same rules applied to her (or anyone else).

However, if something happens - honesty comes first - and we must talk about it and why it happened.

There is no reason, in my mind, to escalate what is often a acknowleded mistake or an otherwise situation fling into a reltionship ending situation just because we are human. Unfortuanely, I see many people do just that. I see many children hurt by it as well.

Item 3) If there are repeat problems for the same issue. Seek appropriate counsel and discuss how both of you can come out of the situation with the least harm to each other and any family. This can be the hardest thing to do - but in the end it is often the most important thing for the long term. Many possible solutions exist. Most people only consider a few without good counsel and a discussion of the future in a positive light.

In the end; I acknowledge that we all are human, and that humans make mistakes and can be put into terrible situations. I am willing to understand and forgive mistakes and tough situations. Perfection is a goal, not reality. Working towards perfection in the relationship is the goal - and well worth it.

Perry
 
I think there are many factors and each case is complicated by its unique details. I do think that most men want a woman who keeps them on their toes...men don''t want a maid or cook or seamstress--A lot of women in the last generation thought that being "Donna Reed" (including my own mother) was the answer but men want more... I do make my marriage my #1 priority and always keep my husband on his toes. Whether you work outside the home or are a homemaker full time, keep him guessing just a little bit.

That being said, I also think that some men just can''t help themselves (this is not an excuse) and this is a personality thing in some men (and women). There is an evolutionary theory that men are genetically predispositioned to cheat: Women are born with only a certain amount of eggs to reproduce while men continually make millions of sperm...the theory goes that women, by the fact that they only have that limited supply of eggs, are programmed to procreate on a "quality vs quantity" basis while men are pogrammed for "quantity vs quality" and want to procreate with everyone they see vs. being more selective, like the women.

i ahve no idea if this is proven but it is interesting.
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Date: 5/11/2005 7:37:23 AM
Author: perry.

So here is my question: Gals, why are a bunch of you like that. What is wrong with offereing to help, or complementing you on looking nice or a great looking outfit? Why do so many of you get offended and feel sexually threatened by that? (and no, I am not learing - and the overwhelming vast majority of the time have no ''personal'' interest in the gal at all: In fact - the few gals that I was specifically interested in - didn''t complain one bit).

Perry
Perry,

I consider myself to be a strong, independant woman who also knows how to receive a compliment withpout feeling it somehow belittled me. When I moved to Boston/North East I was shocked that the idea of feminism can at times be taken to extremes and it seemed to me that men could not win here! In the south I think the opposite cold be said. Maybe it is geographical? I am somewhat of a nomad having lived in several countries as well as several states in the US and I definately notice differences - some extreme!

I, personally, love compliments ....and I make sure to give them too! My other half has the most beautiful, swoonworthy eyes.....no movie star can compare and I always tell him so he knows it!!!
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About the sexual harassment thing, a boss should not do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Even if it is picking a piece of hair off your back. Some guys are creepy, and you can see what they are thinking in their eyes. It is a vibe. No sexual comments either from old guys. I can tolerate more from younger, better looking guys than old creepy guys.

About the cheating thing, I must say that I was the one doing the cheating in my past relationships. Sometimes, it would be purely sexual, sometimes I would like the other guy, sometimes it was just for fun. Basically, I wasn''t getting what I needed at home. I wasn''t happy with the person, and it was sometimes even my way of disrespecting him. I really hated my last ex. I would go out and sleep with someone else, then come home and sleep with him just to be disrespectful to him b/c he treated me so bad. It was my way of getting him back for his abuse. Our dog would come around sniffing me b/c she knew I had been prowling around. I just knew that dog was going to tell on me one of those times. It''s a good thing dogs can''t speak.

I love my new husband, though, and I will always be faithful, love, and respect him. If you are with the right person, then you will never cheat. If one person is cheating, then it was never meant to be.
 
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