Why set a deadline?

[KimberlyH]

I am fascinated by the whole concept of setting deadlines and then let them pass as it seems to be a reoccuring theme. So if you feel like sharing, what are your reasons for putting the proverbial foot down and then not following through? I understand the whole boy time vs. girl time thing, and being in love, but I just don''t get how a couple can come to an agreement on a timeframe and then when the guy (I refer to men as this is a Ladies In Waiting board, not a People In Waiting board) doesn''t follow through the female kicks and screams for a bit but doesn''t take any concrete action.

 

[Becky P]

Kimberly -
I think this is a fascinating question because there seems to be a lot of this going around. Also, it seems that first the woman is stressed because she doesn''t have a timeline, so she works and works to get one. Then, once the timeline is set, the woman gets anxious wondering if it''s gonna happen within the designated timeframe. So, I just wonder whether one is needed or not... I''m up in the air on this and I''m not really sure what the right answer is... Timeline? or no timeline?

 

[janinegirly]

ok, kimberly, i''ll take a stab, and this is not to say I approve of setting deadlines. I did that once and it backfired so yea, I agree it''s not a good idea. NOT so much b/c it kills credibility, (when you''re in the throes of a serious relationship, you don''t want to jeopradize the relationship and you don''t care so much about ''credibility'' when the heart is hurting), but because it makes it worse for both parties. The guy feels pressured and freezes into inaction, and the girl''s anxiety increases 10 fold. BUT the reason why she might have set the deadline in the first place is because of the feelings of lack of control and differences in timelines which have been discussed many times here (and which many here agree are overriding issues that create anxiety and a potential spiral). A deadline is a way to make the girl feel there is some tangible bounderies and if the guy agrees, then it helps her to RELAX.
A softer approach is to set a "timeline" which again, serves the purpose of giving both parties a tangible range of time so that the guy doesn''t drag his feet and get lazy (sorry, but these are common guy traits when things get routine), and the girl can have some relief to all the pressure she feels inside and from external sources.
NOW, when a deadline is missed--it really comes down to the individual scenario. In some cases the guy will plead his case and say things like he felt too under the guy, really wants to move things forward, please just back off and let him work on logistics. In these cases, of COURSE the girl will start to see how her deadline approach may''ve sabatoged the situation and he is being reasonable, and she doesn''t want to throw it away when there clearly is potential, so she hangs on longer. I don''t think this is sooo unreasonable. If after a reasonable amount of time after this, he continues the pattern and breaks his "word"/proves to not be trustworthy etc...YES by all means, the girl is clinging too long and should leave.
In other cases after a deadline is passed, the guy gives no concrete reassurance, just says the same things and is distant and is not prioritizing the relationship/showing no progress, then again, yea, the girl is clinging and should take steps to end things. So I don''t have a great concluding sentence here, but just some perspective.

 

[ladykemma]

i think there is a big difference between a "mental" deadline and a "literal" deadline that he knows about.

i have used the mental deadline thought process to make decision about when I was in bad job situations in the past. every friday i wouild evaluate whether or not i want to work there another week. that way it feels like a choice instead of a sentence.

 

[KimberlyH]

I don''t think timelines/deadlines in and of themselves or bad, I just think people should think more seriously, on both sides, about what they are commiting to when they agree that they''ll do X in a certain time frame, in this case X being getting engaged. I think both sides lose credibility when the commitment isn''t fulfilled and nothing changes. If my husband told me he was going to propose by a certain date and I laid out consequences if he didn''t do so, I would have followed through, even if I didn''t want to, because my integrity would be called to question. I have a rule, "do what you say you will, don''t say what you won''t," that we both adhere to, because it keeps our relationship and me sane. Perhaps I''m just an extremely inflexible person, but I don''t easily forgive or forget people not keeping there promises (and "not being ready" isn''t a good enough reason, in my mind when he''s already commited to being so) and I can''t imagine wanting to be with someone who didn''t follow through.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/8/2006 3:40:01 PM
Author: ladykemma
i think there is a big difference between a ''mental'' deadline and a ''literal'' deadline that he knows about.

i have used the mental deadline thought process to make decision about when I was in bad job situations in the past. every friday i wouild evaluate whether or not i want to work there another week. that way it feels like a choice instead of a sentence.

They''re absolutely different. I''m referring to literal deadlines that have been discussed and agreed upon.

 

[Becky P]

Janine - So, what would you define as a reasonable amount of time then? Because it seems to me that once you''re in the thick of it with a relationship, all common sense somehow flies out the window and reasonable to the person in the relationship is much different than those outside looking in...

ladykemma- I really like your idea. Evaluate things once a week or on some sort of consistent basis to see if they are what you want them to be... It does need to be a choice.

 

[janinegirly]

yes, kim I think that probably is your personality and maybe why you have a hard time understanding why others aren''t as cut and dry. A person might have the right intentions when setting a deadline, as did the the bf when he agreed to it. ASSUMING all that, if a deadline is missed, you have to take into account some other factors. When the heart and lifetime choices are involved, it''s not as easy as saying SORRY, I can''t risk my integrity and I don''t forget easily, I''m outta here. There is usually alot of crying talking, opening up which can go one way or the other, but it is certainly is possible that the guy legitimately felt too cornered and therefore lost motivation. And after tearing apart the issue, if both realize they still want the same things, just not under a deadline, i don''t see that it''s such an awful, integrity killing thing to give it more time.

 

[Mandarine]

I think there are huge differences between deadlines, timelines and ultimatums.

I can only speak to my situation so I'll try.

In my case, I see it as a timeline. I won't break it off if it doesn't happen by this date....but it will be unacceptable in my mind to go past this date without him approaching me to talk about why our plans changed. What does unacceptable mean? that's the part I don't know, that's what makes me anxious and that's the part I don't want to think about...if the time comes for me to have to think about this then I will...(if our original plan changed and I was never told!)....

I never saw this as a "do it by Dec.31st or else"....that's an ultimatum. I can see why some ladies need to get to that point but I just don't see myself ever doing this....I would just not want to marry someone that I had to pressure with an ultimatum in order for him to propose.

A healthy relationship to me is one where you can talk about your future plans...and it's ok if they change as long as you're both ok with it and can discuss them and come up with "your" new plans.

If I found myself in a long relationship where all conversations about our future are very vague and not open then I wouldn't need a timeline...I just wouldn't want to be with that person period.

M~

 

[janinegirly]

hi becky, i wish i knew the answer to that! I guess every situation is different and it depends what the guy says to merit that "reasonable" amount of extra time. I think if there has been alot of discussion on the topic and a deadline/timeline/time range thrown out there, and the guy says the right things, but doesn't meet the deadline/timeline, it really comes down to why he didn't meet it and what the girl is willing to put up with. If his reasons are fair, and the girl has a gut instinct that this is it, then I think a few months more is ok. But not more, becuase at that point it's kind of borrowed time. It's definitely NOT good to miss a deadline, and not a promising sign, but I guess my point is that it's also not so cut and dry. It's hard to say on a general basis b/c each situation is different which I guess is why some people vent here to gauge how their situation compares to others.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/8/2006 3:39:16 PM
Author: janinegirly
ok, kimberly, i''ll take a stab, and this is not to say I approve of setting deadlines. I did that once and it backfired so yea, I agree it''s not a good idea. NOT so much b/c it kills credibility, (when you''re in the throes of a serious relationship, you don''t want to jeopradize the relationship and you don''t care so much about ''credibility'' when the heart is hurting), but because it makes it worse for both parties. The guy feels pressured and freezes into inaction, and the girl''s anxiety increases 10 fold. BUT the reason why she might have set the deadline in the first place is because of the feelings of lack of control and differences in timelines which have been discussed many times here (and which many here agree are overriding issues that create anxiety and a potential spiral). A deadline is a way to make the girl feel there is some tangible bounderies and if the guy agrees, then it helps her to RELAX.
A softer approach is to set a ''timeline'' which again, serves the purpose of giving both parties a tangible range of time so that the guy doesn''t drag his feet and get lazy (sorry, but these are common guy traits when things get routine), and the girl can have some relief to all the pressure she feels inside and from external sources.
NOW, when a deadline is missed--it really comes down to the individual scenario. In some cases the guy will plead his case and say things like he felt too under the guy, really wants to move things forward, please just back off and let him work on logistics. In these cases, of COURSE the girl will start to see how her deadline approach may''ve sabatoged the situation and he is being reasonable, and she doesn''t want to throw it away when there clearly is potential, so she hangs on longer. I don''t think this is sooo unreasonable. If after a reasonable amount of time after this, he continues the pattern and breaks his ''word''/proves to not be trustworthy etc...YES by all means, the girl is clinging too long and should leave.
In other cases after a deadline is passed, the guy gives no concrete reassurance, just says the same things and is distant and is not prioritizing the relationship/showing no progress, then again, yea, the girl is clinging and should take steps to end things. So I don''t have a great concluding sentence here, but just some perspective.

If he agreed to the deadline/timeframe in the first place in my mind his "pressure" is ridiculous and childish. Life is full of pressure, I think I''d have to say "buck up and deal with it or lose me."

I guess I just feel like life is way too important and exciting to be sitting around waiting for some guy to propose, as it seems so many LIWs are. Love is a great excuse to say, but it is based in trust, friendship and mutual respect and I can''t reconcile someone feeling those things and not being able to keep a commitment as large as engangement.

And thanks for sharing!

 

[diamondglee]

I'm not a fan of time lines. I think, there comes a point where you discuss your wants/hopes/dreams, and make it a prioriy to work towards those. When the forward momentum stops, I believe the time comes where one/both parties need to evaluate the relationship and make a decision that is in their best interest, then just act on it.

The one relationship that I had where we stagnanted, I just told him that I didnt feel the relationship was progressing amymore and that I didnt wish to continue. No threats, no bargaining, no promises, no pleading...simply action on my part. After a few weeks he returned to win me back with clarity, committment and resolve and we are headed toward making a life together...merging our lives.

Ultimately, once you have stated your intent/wishes/desires/hopes once in a clear manner, the only action left if things stagnate is up to you, and I dont think a privae or public timeline can force either side into action.

Great topic of discussion!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/8/2006 3:56:33 PM
Author: Mandarine
I think there are huge differences between deadlines, timelines and ultimatums.

I can only speak to my situation so I''ll try.

In my case, I see it as a timeline. I won''t break it off if it doesn''t happen by this date....but it will be unacceptable in my mind to go past this date without him approaching me to talk about why our plans changed. What does unacceptable mean? that''s the part I don''t know, that''s what makes me anxious and that''s the part I don''t want to think about...if the time comes for me to have to think about this then I will...(if our original plan changed and I was never told!)....

I never saw this as a ''do it by Dec.31st or else''....that''s an ultimatum. I can see why some ladies need to get to that point but I just don''t see myself ever doing this....I would just not want to marry someone that I had to pressure with an ultimatum in order for him to propose.

A healthy relationship to me is one where you can talk about your future plans...and it''s ok if they change as long as you''re both ok with it and can discuss them and come up with ''your'' new plans.

If I found myself in a long relationship where all conversations about our future are very vague and not open then I wouldn''t need a timeline...I just wouldn''t want to be with that person period.

M~

I am specifically referring to relationships where a convesation has been had that deliniates a final date by which the proposal must occur, and consequences have been laid out if it doesn''t. And if things change, I get that, but I don''t get forgiving someone for not being honest and upfront prior to the deadline. For example:

Her: I am ready to move forward in our relationship. If you aren''t than I need to consider moving on without you.
Him: I''m ready too, let''s talk about a timeframe in which we''ll be engaged.
Her: Great, I was thinking by March 31.
HIm: That sounds reasonable to me. So it''s settled, we''ll be engaged by March 31.
Her: I''m so excited to know we''re on the same page. Please know that I love you, but if we aren''t engaged by then I will have to move on.

April 3
Her: You commited to our engagement taking place 3 days ago and it hasn''t I am very sad that you didn''t do as you said you would.
Him: I felt pressured and just couldn''t do it. You know I love you.
Her: Cry, whine, blah blah blah.

And then she does nothing.

I just don''t get it.

And I finished my homework way too quickly today and have too much time on my hands!

 

[Mandarine]

I agree with you there Kim...

I just think all situations and talks are very different.

If you have a deadline and said "either by this date or else" you better be ready to follow through with it!

M~

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hey Kim~
I think this varies in every situation, but to answer your question about why many girls don''t seem to follow through when a deadline passes, you can get a lot of excuses i.e. I know he loves me, I know he wants it (that one bothers me), I''ve put in so much time with this relationship, etc. Sometimes I think women reach a point where they think "It''s been so many years, it must be right" or deep down they''re scared to pick up, move out (in some cases), move on, and start all over. JMHO.

 

[JCJD]

Date: 11/8/2006 4:12:22 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 11/8/2006 3:56:33 PM

Author: Mandarine

I think there are huge differences between deadlines, timelines and ultimatums.


I can only speak to my situation so I''ll try.


In my case, I see it as a timeline. I won''t break it off if it doesn''t happen by this date....but it will be unacceptable in my mind to go past this date without him approaching me to talk about why our plans changed. What does unacceptable mean? that''s the part I don''t know, that''s what makes me anxious and that''s the part I don''t want to think about...if the time comes for me to have to think about this then I will...(if our original plan changed and I was never told!)....


I never saw this as a ''do it by Dec.31st or else''....that''s an ultimatum. I can see why some ladies need to get to that point but I just don''t see myself ever doing this....I would just not want to marry someone that I had to pressure with an ultimatum in order for him to propose.


A healthy relationship to me is one where you can talk about your future plans...and it''s ok if they change as long as you''re both ok with it and can discuss them and come up with ''your'' new plans.


If I found myself in a long relationship where all conversations about our future are very vague and not open then I wouldn''t need a timeline...I just wouldn''t want to be with that person period.


M~

I am specifically referring to relationships where a convesation has been had that deliniates a final date by which the proposal must occur, and consequences have been laid out if it doesn''t. And if things change, I get that, but I don''t get forgiving someone for not being honest and upfront prior to the deadline. For example:


Her: I am ready to move forward in our relationship. If you aren''t than I need to consider moving on without you.

Him: I''m ready too, let''s talk about a timeframe in which we''ll be engaged.

Her: Great, I was thinking by March 31.

HIm: That sounds reasonable to me. So it''s settled, we''ll be engaged by March 31.

Her: I''m so excited to know we''re on the same page. Please know that I love you, but if we aren''t engaged by then I will have to move on.


April 3

Her: You commited to our engagement taking place 3 days ago and it hasn''t I am very sad that you didn''t do as you said you would.

Him: I felt pressured and just couldn''t do it. You know I love you.

Her: Cry, whine, blah blah blah.


And then she does nothing.


I just don''t get it.


And I finished my homework way too quickly today and have too much time on my hands!

Kimberly - I may be an old married lady now, but I joined PS as part of the original LIWs, the Anxious for the ERing thread, and I have to say that my DH and I never had a conversation that specific! For us, it was more like this:

A little over a year before getting engaged, we knew we were going to eventually get married:
Me: So, do you know when?
Him: I think so.
Me: So....... *nudge nudge, wink wink*
Him: I''m not going to tell you!
Me: Please!!! just give me a hint! Etc...
Him (after some tickling and much pleading and begging for a hint): Ok, it''ll probably be soon.
Me: *Grins from ear to ear*

Three months later, I began to understand the heartache and turmoil resulting from "boy soon" versus "girl soon":

Me: So.... do you remember this conversation we had? Where you said we''d probably be getting engaged "soon"?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Ummm, that was 3 months ago.
Him: Yeah, I know.
Me: ...What exactly is your definition of "soon"???
Him: I don''t know, I was thinking within a year or so.
Me:....
Him: Why, what were you thinking?
Me: By now...
Him: Oh.....

I joined PS within the week.


I don''t really have anything other than that to add to this topic. Every situation is different, and I think a lot of the emotional turmoil results from different expectations and miscommunications. Also, you have to remember that these girls aren''t just "waiting for some guy to propose", they''re wanting to move to the next level with the man they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with. That''s not easy to leave, even if you do set a specific agreed-upon deadline and you''re the most feminist woman in the world.

 

[Maria D]

Kimberly, llike you I tend to see things/live life in a cut & dried manner. The conversation you outlined would happen between people like us. I don't think that's how it necessarily happens with everyone. To me it sounds like a lot of women here get the whole timeline idea from other women who used it successfully, but those are the ones that *would* have picked up and moved on if hte deadline hadn't been met. They're borrowing the idea without having the personality/conviction to live their lives that way. (and I'm not saying everyone SHOULD be like that, just that if you're going to set a deadline, it makes sense to be the type of person that will stick to it)

I think part of the problem is the whole notion of a surprise proposal among two people who are already living together like a married couple. That's what I don't get -- how a couple mutates from modern to super-traditional when it comes to this "propsal" thing. Why does the guy have to surprise a woman with a proposal when they both already know what the answer is? Why can't they just decide together to get married rather than have the woman wringing her hands in angst about when he's actually going to "ask."

So instead of a timeline, I think a woman should just be able to say, hey we've been living together for X months/years, let's make it official. He either says yes or no. If he says yes; great! we'll go ring shopping next April when we get our tax refunds. If he says no, he's "not ready," the woman has her answer. She's living with a guy who, at least for now, wants to act married but not be married. She may not like it but at least she can make her plans accordingly.

ETA: I was writing my post while the one above was going up so I hadn't read it yet. But that's exactly the type of conversation I was imagining between people who are not the cut&dried stick-to-the-deadline type!

 

[Maria D]

Date: 11/8/2006 6:38:47 PM
Author: JCJD



Kimberly - I may be an old married lady now, but I joined PS as part of the original LIWs, the Anxious for the ERing thread, and I have to say that my DH and I never had a conversation that specific! For us, it was more like this:

A little over a year before getting engaged, we knew we were going to eventually get married:
Me: So, do you know when?
Him: I think so.
Me: So....... *nudge nudge, wink wink*
Him: I''m not going to tell you!
Me: Please!!! just give me a hint! Etc...
Him (after some tickling and much pleading and begging for a hint): Ok, it''ll probably be soon.
Me: *Grins from ear to ear*

Three months later, I began to understand the heartache and turmoil resulting from ''boy soon'' versus ''girl soon'':

Me: So.... do you remember this conversation we had? Where you said we''d probably be getting engaged ''soon''?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Ummm, that was 3 months ago.
Him: Yeah, I know.
Me: ...What exactly is your definition of ''soon''???
Him: I don''t know, I was thinking within a year or so.
Me:....
Him: Why, what were you thinking?
Me: By now...
Him: Oh.....

I joined PS within the week.


I don''t really have anything other than that to add to this topic. Every situation is different, and I think a lot of the emotional turmoil results from different expectations and miscommunications. Also, you have to remember that these girls aren''t just ''waiting for some guy to propose'', they''re wanting to move to the next level with the man they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with. That''s not easy to leave, even if you do set a specific agreed-upon deadline and you''re the most feminist woman in the world.

Um, gotta disagree with that last line JCJD! If you''re the most feminist woman in the world (a club I like to think I''m in

) you are not trying to cajole your guy into giving you a hint. You are involved in the whole engagement ring/proposal process because you think of the whole thing as a mutual equal proposition. It''s may not be very romantic, but you know what''s going on!

 

[JCJD]

Maria- the point I was trying to make is that leaving someone you love simply isn't easy.


ETA: Hmmm, perhaps one root of the curiosity/confusion about why someone would set a deadline and not follow-through is because y'all are envisioning a situation like what Kimberly presented, and it's actually something like what I experienced. Maybe? I dunno.

 

[Mandarine]

Every situation is different!. My conversation as more along the lines of what JCJD outlined....more light hearted...without pointing out consequences if it didn''t happen by X date. I honestly think that''s an ultimatum, not a conversation about teh future when you''re both really understanding what you are expecting from each other.

I have a full schedule and no time to be just sitting around waiting....I''m anxious, yes....I have ups and downs, yes. But more than anything I''m happy, I''m in love, still have my *own* life and goals and I''m in a good healthy relationship and can''t wait to *officially* start planning our future together...if this wasn''t the case then I wouldn''t be with him.

To say that the LIWs are just sitting down waiting for a proposal sounds funny to me because that''s so not the case (at least not with me anyway and I''m sure is not true for man others)...but it''s funny because if all you know from us is what we post here...then I can see how it looks that way...all of out threads with sad and angry faces...venting away!...hehe.

Ok, I got off the topic. I agree with Kim and Maria that if you do set a deadline with consequences then you should be ready to follow through with those consequences...because otherwise it''s just talk and this is when the guy says "ok, so I got away without following through this one time"...and it''s almost like it goes on and on and on and it becomes part of how they live that relationship. This is what I see in many of these threads. If you are at a point in your relationship where you felt you have to be dead clear on the consequences of something not happenning by a certain date...then you have to be strong and stick to your own words!

Time to go for the nightly walk with my flea basket

M~

 

[KimberlyH]

I am a very literal person, that is true, Maria, so perhaps that is the diference. I guess my issue with it is all the moaning and groaning that goes on post deadline (and again, I am only referring to couples who set a date by which to be engaged and he misses it and she''s all bent out of shape but does nothing) is that it amounts to a whole lot of nothing. We teach people how to treat us. If my husband was able to procrastinate and skip deadlines when it came to ANYTHING including cleaning the garage he would. But he knows that it is important to me that he does whatever he says he will when he says he''ll do it. So, out of love and respect for me he follows through, even if it pains him. And when he can''t he talks to me about it, way in advance. This is our every day life though and we expect this honesty and forthright behavior from one another in both small things and large. For example, he promised me he would have some financial things in order and be able to explain them to me w/in three months of our being married (he chose the time frame). Once he delved into the project he figured out it wasn''t enough time, so he came to me a month prior to his deadline and let me know he needed until Thanksgiving. And of course I said "no problem" because we talked about it. I just don''t get why couples can''t talk things out and settle them, marriage is all about compromise, this is great practice! All the hemming and hawing and back and forth just makes no sense to me.

JCJD, I totally get being in love and wanting to move forward. But I don''t understand the tolerance of utter lack of respect that some men demonstrate (according to the stories shared here). And I don''t get putting ones'' own life on the back burner in hopes that he''ll change his mind or come around; love is great and finding a partner is amazing, but it''s not really partnering if your on totally different pages (and this isn''t the boy time vs. girl time thing, it''s him just absolutely not being ready and/or balking at the idea of marriage). Why would a woman want him to after all the ridiculousness? It just seems that this consumes so many women and tinges every aspect of their relationship that there is no happiness left.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/8/2006 7:34:30 PM
Author: Mandarine
Every situation is different!. My conversation as more along the lines of what JCJD outlined....more light hearted...without pointing out consequences if it didn''t happen by X date. I honestly think that''s an ultimatum, not a conversation about teh future when you''re both really understanding what you are expecting from each other.

I have a full schedule and no time to be just sitting around waiting....I''m anxious, yes....I have ups and downs, yes. But more than anything I''m happy, I''m in love, still have my *own* life and goals and I''m in a good healthy relationship and can''t wait to *officially* start planning our future together...if this wasn''t the case then I wouldn''t be with him.

To say that the LIWs are just sitting down waiting for a proposal sounds funny to me because that''s so not the case (at least not with me anyway and I''m sure is not true for man others)...but it''s funny because if all you know from us is what we post here...then I can see how it looks that way...all of out threads with sad and angry faces...venting away!...hehe.

Ok, I got off the topic. I agree with Kim and Maria that if you do set a deadline with consequences then you should be ready to follow through with those consequences...because otherwise it''s just talk and this is when the guy says ''ok, so I got away without following through this one time''...and it''s almost like it goes on and on and on and it becomes part of how they live that relationship. This is what I see in many of these threads. If you are at a point in your relationship where you felt you have to be dead clear on the consequences of something not happenning by a certain date...then you have to be strong and stick to your own words!

Time to go for the nightly walk with my flea basket

M~

Just to clarify, I don''t think all LIWs on this board and in the general population have put their lives on hold for men to pop the question or that they all lead miserable lives due to the lack of a proposal, but there are many who have.

And Mandarine, I think most people can read between the lines of posts and in real life and see who is in a situation like yours, which from what I can tell is just a very anxious and excited woman who has found "the one" and is thinking "alright already, it''s time" and those posts that are written by women who are so glaringly decieving themselves into believing that something is going to happen right around the corner when the guy has made it clear he''s not interested or ready. (Sorry for the super-long poorly structured sentence) Of course this doesn''t happen with 100% accuracy but I think more often than not those on the outside looking in, even on a message board, have a much clearer view.

 

[anchor31]

It depends on what kind of deadline you''re talking about... My FI and I had a "deadline", but it was more like a timeframe that he had set for himself. I did ask him if he had one however, because he kept talking about it while being very vague on the "when" part and it was making me feel really anxious... The converstaion went as follows:

Me: You have said often recently that you want to propose to me. I''d like to know if you have an approximate timeline, so I don''t have expectations that don''t match your plans.

Him: I''m giving myself a year.

Me: Between January 2006 and January 2007?

Him: Yes. It''ll be our third anniversary in August, right?

Me: Yes.

Him: Yeah. Sometime in 2006.

He proposed on July 14th. If he hadn''t proposed by January 1st 2007, would have I left him? No, I don''t think so. I would have been very angry, disappointed and upset at him for not keeping his word and it probably would have lead to quite a bit of angst... But as it wasn''t an ultimatum, there wasn''t any concrete consequences planned. We''re young, and I was prepared to wait until 2008 before taking any action.

 

[littlelysser]

Honestly, based upon my experience, it seems like a lot of times, women set a deadline for engagement because, well, it often works.

My FI were together for four years before we got engaged - and I never set a deadline... we talked about the fact that we were going to get married. We bought a house together and got two dogs before we were engaged...so for us it was a formality (and, um, I really wanted a nice ring!)...I can''t imagine giving him a timeline...I think it depends on where you are in life...I knew my FI and I were going to spend our lives together...so I wasn''t really in a big hurry.

That having been said, I know of three women that set deadlines. Two of them got engaged within their deadline. The third told her ex-boyfriend that she wanted to be engaged by X date...He said no. They broke up. I''m actually going to his wedding (he''s one of my best friends) this weekend - and he is not marrying the timeline girl. He''s marrying a wonderful woman that never once mentioned getting engaged or discussing a timeline...so who knows...

 

[Mandarine]

I know what you mean Kimberly....

I just think it is kind of funny because from the outside looking in we do sometimes look like a bunch of miserable, desperate PMSy bunch! hehe...

I think it all goes back to communication (not just talking, but also listening)...

You are so right when you say we teach people how to treat us!

M~

 

[KimberlyH]

Anchor: I totally get what you''re saying, I''m refering specifically to a predetermined deadline set by the couple together that is ingored.

littlelysser: I agree, they can work in either direction (marriage or break up). My husband and I discussed marriage as a possibility prior to my moving 500 miles to be near him, because I wasn''t moving unless the potential for marriage existed (I really liked my life pre-him and had decided I probably never would get marred until he came along after a few bad relationships and some time well spent, alone). And it came up on occasion after I moved until he set his own deadline (fall 2005) and I jokingly informed him fall ended on December 21. He proposed on December 14. But there was never any haggling, it just kind of was.

Mandarine: Communication is key.

 

[Julian]

Never had a deadline, but I see others setting deadlines that really seem to work.

Hey, without deadlines... a lot of the things that would improve our lives would just never get done!

Maybe some men work well with deadlines, just like they do at work! All the guys I know who proposed with "deadlines" are happily married. They're pretty jazzed that their women helped them along in that respect.

Of course, I'm talking constructive deadlines with good communication...not demands, threats or ultimatums.

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m not anti-deadlines, I''m anti-no action after said deadline has passed if it has been deemed that action will occur. I know they can work, I''m just curious about the aftermath when they don''t.

 

[diamondglee]

I think, a lot of times, a woman gives a deadline...or timeline as a way to take back some control...or at least the appearance of control. Many times it''s a bluff...to try to get the guy to really think about his life without her, and hopefully come to a favorable conclusion.

Unfortunately, when faced with the realization that he didnt, some women are ill prepared to take the next step, and instead just hope things will change.

 

[Julian]

Oops, KimberlyH! You are so right.

When they pass? Why would they pass? I don't think any LIWs would mind if he said, "Honey, I love you and I just need a tiny bit more time to save a little bit more for a nicer ring!" or "Honey, I love you and I just want to graduate first so I can concentrate on our new life together." Then they can work out an "extension" together & everyone is happy.

Just having it pass without any communication from the guy would have me walking away. I don't care how much I love him. I want a guy who is moving heaven and earth to pin ME down for a date, trying to get ME to show him rings I like & etc. And he should be strutting around proud that he has such an awesome woman like you ladies. I mean, women are such awesome creatures!

I just have a horrid fear that boyfriends who don't care can turn into husbands who don't care -- apathetic, non-communicative and eventually someone who will take his wife for granted.

If the woman isn't fought hard for, would he treasure her like a precious prize he has won from the heavens? Knights slayed dragons in fairytales. They climbed towers for princesses. They had to demonstrate huge feats of courage and devotion to win the lady's hand.

I know times are different now, but why should you change just because times have changed (for the worse, I might add)?

ETA: Although, also in fairytales... some ladies in waiting did just wait and wait and wait in their towers! LOL. But at least the poor knight was just trying to complete his quest for her hand! She knew it was coming, just after he slayed that darn dragon.