shape
carat
color
clarity

Why set a deadline?

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Date: 11/14/2006 8:07:01 PM
Author: poptart
THAT is a whole different issue entirely!

We live in Los Angeles, while I am originally from a small town in the midwest. I know of 16 couples that I went to high school with who are now married... all people who stayed within the area that we grew up in, and all couples who either did not attend college or did so within an hour or so of my hometown.

In LA, on the other hand, I don't know a single person under the age of 23 who even wants to CONSIDER marriage. Part of that is that I went to a large university in a large city on the liberal west coast, and people who choose that lifestyle don't often also choose to get married young. In that situation, delaying marriage (IMO) is not a maturity issue at all, but a choice to focus on career first so that they are more established before starting a family (which is the most surefire way to have a comfortable financial life later on).

From the married couples that I do know (our age), I wouldn't call many of them mature... so I don't think that being married young makes a person more mature (or that you have to be more mature to get married young). For many of them, it was a "we want to live together, so we have to get married" or "we're saving ourselves for marriage, so let's get married so we can do it" thing, and many of them chose marriage in lieu of a college education (which their parents would not provide if they were married). For them, it became instant vs. delayed gratification. Which, again, I wouldn't put in the mature category. I also don't think that it makes a person less mature to be married young, because for every immature couple I know there is one that simply was ready (and really were taking into account the potential drawbacks). From what I can tell, maturity level is a non-issue for this age group.

I feel that the maturity card really does not come into play until mid- to late-twenties, when you really can argue that a 28-year-old who is not ready to marry may be immature. In the early twenties, however, there are so many more important issues holding people back: incomplete education (most people don't graduate with their bachelor's until age 22), undeveloped career, parental pressure on finances, etc. etc. So if we're going to pin it on any psychological issues, is should be those.

Just my thoughts on it
26.gif



ETA: I just read that you are a military wife... which is an entirely different cultural subset that has very different expectations placed on them. For military couples I'm sure that, yes, it makes sense to get married young if you're going to anyway (from what I've read of the benefits available to married vs. single servicemen). Military men are earning their own money often straight out of high school, and are financially independent by 18 or 19 years of age. In that case, every point I made about school and career is moot. But for the college-bound set, being married before the age of 22-23 is the social and economic equivalent of a military couple being married at 16!
 
I''d like to add my "deadline" scenario, not to say I''m on either side, but just to present my thoughts at the time.

I was 24, met a wonderful man who was 31, and ended up moving to Chicago from Indy to be with him. I had secured a great new job here, and went apartment-hunting. Long story short: it made more financial sense to us to go ahead and move in together rather than keep renting separate apts., we had already discussed marriage in depth (after only 6 months) and weren''t doing the "trial" living together thing. After we moved in together, though, we had the issue of myself still wanting to party and stay out late, whereas he was ready to settle down...I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I had signed a 12 month lease (without his name on it), and for all the talks about marriage we had, he still hadn''t proposed by month 8 of said lease. At that point in time, I realized I was part of the problem! We talked about the issue, and I knew he had been pretty patient with me, and I was willing to be patient with him as long as we were on the same page. However, I did tell him that if we weren''t engaged by the time the lease was up, I would be moving on...I knew those 4 months would give me time to really mentally adjust and just the idea of moving on was harder for me to deal with than making a major change in my lifestyle. I treasured his love more than going out with my girlfriends several nights a week, and it helped motivate him to go ring-shopping at the same time. We were engaged the following month with 2.5 months to spare, LOL! For us, the apt. lease was kind of our deadline/timeline, and it worked out well in the end.

I guess I was one of those gals who, at 24, really hadn''t even considered marriage and navigating the waters of commitment was a bit more difficult for me than it was for him. I thank my lucky stars to this day that he was willing to stick it out with me...his name wasn''t ever on the lease and he really could''ve left anytime he wanted!
 
anyway... sorry for getting off-topic! But I think the distinction between social subsets is an important one. When it comes to marriage/kids/career, what is expected of PhD bound citizens is not the same as what''s expected of Bachelor''s bound citizens, which is not the same as what''s expected of military servicemen, which is not the same as what''s expected of high school dropouts.

I think that that alllll comes into play in the whole "timeline" issue, especially when a couple crosses the social subsets. If you pair a 20-year-old high school graduate who was raised in a military family with a PhD-bound undergraduate student... they''re both going to have VERY different preconceptions about when and how marriage should occur, and the HS grad is probably going to have to nudge their PhD-bound significant other QUITE a bit if their separate timelines are going to coincide!!!
 
Date: 11/14/2006 10:03:10 PM
Author: musey
anyway... sorry for getting off-topic! But I think the distinction between social subsets is an important one. When it comes to marriage/kids/career, what is expected of PhD bound citizens is not the same as what''s expected of Bachelor''s bound citizens, which is not the same as what''s expected of military servicemen, which is not the same as what''s expected of high school dropouts.

I think that that alllll comes into play in the whole ''timeline'' issue, especially when a couple crosses the social subsets. If you pair a 20-year-old high school graduate who was raised in a military family with a PhD-bound undergraduate student... they''re both going to have VERY different preconceptions about when and how marriage should occur, and the HS grad is probably going to have to nudge their PhD-bound significant other QUITE a bit if their separate timelines are going to coincide!!!
No need to apologize, I think it''s interesting and does relate to timing.
 
I know a lot of girls in school (we are all in our early 20s) with me that have set deadlines with their boyfriends. I just don''t understand. To me, it just pressures the guys into marriage, when they might not necessarily be ready for it. It causes for a complex, pressuring situation, when it is not necessary.

However, my best friend did this without telling her now fiance. He had been talking about engagement, seriously, for two years and they had been looking for rings about a year prior to him proposing. It got to where, we (her & I both) never thought he was going to do it. So, she told me and her sister (who had been talking to her fiance about the subject and knew about everything) that she would go on one last romantic date with him, see how it goes and decide if she should break up with him or continue waiting. He proposed that night and they will be getting married in a little over a month.

On my end, I always told my boyfriend I wouldn''t wait 5 years to marry him; however, if it came down to it, I would fold in a second.
 
Date: 11/14/2006 9:48:20 PM
Author: musey

Date: 11/14/2006 8:07:01 PM
Author: poptart
THAT is a whole different issue entirely!

We live in Los Angeles, while I am originally from a small town in the midwest. I know of 16 couples that I went to high school with who are now married... all people who stayed within the area that we grew up in, and all couples who either did not attend college or did so within an hour or so of my hometown.

In LA, on the other hand, I don''t know a single person under the age of 23 who even wants to CONSIDER marriage. Part of that is that I went to a large university in a large city on the liberal west coast, and people who choose that lifestyle don''t often also choose to get married young. In that situation, delaying marriage (IMO) is not a maturity issue at all, but a choice to focus on career first so that they are more established before starting a family (which is the most surefire way to have a comfortable financial life later on).

From the married couples that I do know (our age), I wouldn''t call many of them mature... so I don''t think that being married young makes a person more mature (or that you have to be more mature to get married young). For many of them, it was a ''we want to live together, so we have to get married'' or ''we''re saving ourselves for marriage, so let''s get married so we can do it'' thing, and many of them chose marriage in lieu of a college education (which their parents would not provide if they were married). For them, it became instant vs. delayed gratification. Which, again, I wouldn''t put in the mature category. I also don''t think that it makes a person less mature to be married young, because for every immature couple I know there is one that simply was ready (and really were taking into account the potential drawbacks). From what I can tell, maturity level is a non-issue for this age group.

I feel that the maturity card really does not come into play until mid- to late-twenties, when you really can argue that a 28-year-old who is not ready to marry may be immature. In the early twenties, however, there are so many more important issues holding people back: incomplete education (most people don''t graduate with their bachelor''s until age 22), undeveloped career, parental pressure on finances, etc. etc. So if we''re going to pin it on any psychological issues, is should be those.

Just my thoughts on it
26.gif



ETA: I just read that you are a military wife... which is an entirely different cultural subset that has very different expectations placed on them. For military couples I''m sure that, yes, it makes sense to get married young if you''re going to anyway (from what I''ve read of the benefits available to married vs. single servicemen). Military men are earning their own money often straight out of high school, and are financially independent by 18 or 19 years of age. In that case, every point I made about school and career is moot. But for the college-bound set, being married before the age of 22-23 is the social and economic equivalent of a military couple being married at 16!
I see what you are saying, and agree with some of it. As for the college bound aspect, I graduate in May and I will STILL be 20, and I consider myself mature for pacing myself in such a way that I was able to graduate college in two years. I understand the delayed vs. instant gratification argument, and agree with that as well and some of my friends who are in college are waiting until they are 22 or 23 to get married, which is also a mature stance. For us, as you said, it just made more sense to get married now rather than later. I would have married him just as readily at 20 as I would have at 30 and it was more economical to get married now. And then, by the time we are 30, we will be completely financially stable, which is also a comforting thought!

And I guess I should clarify my stance on maturity. The act of getting married does not automatically make a person mature. It is understanding what the act entails that makes a person mature. I just don''t see age as a humongous issue when a couple gets married. Even a couple that IS mature may end up getting a divorce. It is understanding each other and the relationship that makes the difference. People change constantly, and I think that no matter what age you are, if your changes coincide and compliment each other, you have a great chance at a happy marriage.

*M*
 
I guess I kind of set a deadline, but it wasn''t in a mean way. It was more to make sure that he knew how I felt and that we were on the same page as far as how serious our relationship was, and whether he wanted to take the next step.

I was moving out of state for grad school and he agreed that after he finished up school to move to the same city and to move into my apartment. I firmly told him that I thought it was a serious move for us, and that I didn''t want him to make it if he didn''t see us getting engaged and married soon after moving.

I did this really to protect the both of us and to make sure we were on the same page with our plans and what they *meant*.

First of all, I wanted to let him know that I was serious about the relationship before he made the move across state borders and into my apartment.
Secondly, I wanted to protect myself as well and let him know that living together is serious and I didn''t want to make that step unless he viewed our relationship as eventually leading towards marriage.


Eventually he did move here and into my apartment, and after a couple of months we got engaged.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Top