Why you should settle for "Mr. Good Enough."

[Sha]

Date: 2/9/2008 2:57:40 PM
Author: Mediterranean
Hey all! I''m pretty new ''round here, mostly I''ve just been drooling over on SMTR, but I read this article and I must say...in response to the title ''Why You Should Settle for Mr. Good Enough'' ....no thanks, Author...YOU go ahead and settle for him....


My story is weird and totally not typical...but here goes:


10 years ago, when I was 23, I was part of a very close group of 5 friends. I totally fell for one of the guys in our group, but I kept quiet for fear of ruining the friendship, and to avoid dividing the group''s loyalties or having discomfort & tension should something have gone wrong. Besides that, I just plain-old had NO idea if he felt the same way, because I never revealed my feelings, and he never said anything either.


So, his job (he''s a cameraman on movies and TV shows and videos and stuff) involved a lot of travel, and for my part, I decided to go to grad school out of state. So, we didn''t see each other for years. E-mails every once in a while, birthday cards, Christmas cards...bla bla bla....


Now, here''s the part you may think is a little nuts: during the time I was apart from him, I never really had a serious relationship. Oh, I dated. I dated TONS and TONS of guys....but I simply never fell for anyone the way I fell for my friend. i couldn''t bring myself to be serious with anyone, and while my friends were making jokes about me ''playing hard to get'' and being a ''heartbreaker'' and having ''all these guys chasing me'' I was DYING inside, I used to cry myself to sleep, and I actually was in therapy for a while because I couldn''t shake the feeling that this guy was THE guy for me.


Even the therapist fed me that hooey about giving up, and getting on with life, and marrying the ''next best thing.''


Well, I''m glad to say I completely ignored that advice. When I moved back home after grad school, I began to reconnect with all my old friends. By this time, I was 32, and unmarried, and everyone was telling me how time was running out and how I missed the boat by being too picky, and how I was nuts, that I''d never get married if I didn''t just cut it out, etc.


But in reconnecting with old friends, I reconnected with HIM, with the guy I''d had feelings for all this time. And we started hanging out again. And after a couple of months of hanging out, he dropped a bomb on me: as it turns out, he had been attracted to me, but he had been afraid to say anything (because of the same reasons I was). He told me he had strong feelings for me, and that if I didn''t feel the same way, he was sorry, but he just had to say something and know once and for all if he had a chance.


All of this occurred in Oct. 2006. This past Christmas, he asked me to marry him, and we''re planning our wedding right now.


I can''t believe how happy I am. It''s better than all the daydreams I used to have about it, it''s more amazing than I could have ever imagined, and it leaves all my other pseudo-relationships in the DUST.


I''m not saying it''s a perfect fairy-tale...I mean, we''re human and we have the normal issues, but I have never been so happy to ignore advice in my whole life. I''m glad I listened to my heart and refused to settle.


Let the lady who wrote that article have her bland, watery ''companionship.'' I''m sure my marriage will also settle into companionship,too....when we''re 80 years old. However, when I''m 80, I will have the memories of the deepest, most passionate love to sustain me. I will know that when I was young I didn''t ''settle'' for a mere ''companionship'' just to have a warm body around. Heck, that''s a reason for having a DOG, not a MARRIAGE

Awww....that story just warms my heart!

That''s really sweet and romantic - like a modern-day fairy tale.

 

[Gemma12]

Mediterranean, what a beautiful story!

I found that article very interesting. I didn''t ''settle'' in the sense that DH is all that I wanted-and more- but like IG (and several others here) I had a list of character qualities rather than a money figure or a particular career in mind.

Having said that, I am very grateful that I married a man who is very confident in who he is. An example-several weeks ago I started a new job, and my organisation held a welcome lunch. I took DH along and he mingled with my bosses and colleagues, confident to hold his own in conversation, and make a few contacts. He''s in a reasonably high powered job, as am I, and he enjoys the intellectual challenge of work and understands that I enjoy the intellectual challenge of mine. We also have friends from high school and family friends who are not in high powered careers and we really enjoy hanging out with them too, but a lot of them don''t ''get'' how into our work we are. If I had married someone who had a ''job'' rather than a ''career'', I would probably go to some of those events on my own. I don''t think there''s anything wrong with that but it really enhances my enjoyment if DH comes along-and he has a good time! It doesn''t matter to me what he does or how much he earns as long as he is happy doing it!

Hopefully I haven''t offended anyone-it wasn''t something that I thought about before we got married and I''m very grateful that DH came with that as I certainly didn''t have it on the ''list''!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I too find that article very interesting and thought inspiring...I guess for some women, being alone is far to lonely for them, and marrying someone they can "be with" is good enough. I would never openly will a friend of mine to settle for a man she didn''t love completely. But I can understand how many women feel that by the time they are in their mid-to-late 30''s dating becomes hard, they are tired, and marriage sounds like a welcome vacation.

I did not settle. I have a loving, warm, kind, genuinely sweet husband. He is handsome, and generous, and so good to me. I am thankful every day that I waited until I met Mark before I made the life altering choice to marry. I had many boyfriends, and once was entangled in a short lived engagement...but, I have learned to be thankful for the choices I made that brought me to my husband.

 

[LegacyGirl]

I always thought I would end up with a smoking hot doctor, lawyer, or plastic surgeon but I didn''t. On the other hand I don''t feel like I settled at all. I''m treated like a princess and we have so much fun together. I know people talk and may think I''m settling but I can''t imagine being with anyone else. I''ve been told our relationship looks insane to other people.... I''m a lawyer- he''s in the tattoo industry, I''m very clean cut and well educated- he''s covered in tattoos and piercings and pursued art in college, I''m on the smallish side and Italian- he''s huge and Vietnamese. But you know what? When I have to do something he has no problem putting on a nice suit (and he looks good too!) and when we go out with his group I somehow manage to pull out the stick that is wedged up you know where

. I get along with his friends too, most of them are so nice one you get to know them. We''ve learned to get along and compromise enough to be really happy and I have to admit he''s opened my eyes to so many different ways of thinking I know I have greatly advantaged from it.

I have to say the kicker was when he found out how badly I wanted to go to the ballet here. I didn''t even bother to ask him because I thought he would never do it (on top of it being a ballet, it was also a law school function for me so a great deal of my professors were there). Well he not only took me, he ran out and got a suit special for the event and tried his best to behave the whole night! Like I said above, on top of how well we get along and have fun together, the willingness to compromise on both our parts has made us incredibly strong. Now if only I can get him to drink wine...

 

[ringster]

i agree that the author''s use of the word "settling" was quite off.

i did like what one of the people she interviewed said:

“I just want someone who’s willing to be in the trenches with me,” my single friend Jennifer told me, “and I never thought of marriage that way before.”

i know that FI is a very loyal type, and will be by me through thick and thin. he really values giving his word.

and yes, being able to watch tv, eat dinner, be around each other and not have to say anything, are what really count.

i met up with a friend this weekend and her husband. they have a little boy now and she was talking about how, especially with a kid, everything now is a routine and sometimes life just is passing by the same day after another.

i think to make a marriage work you need to be able to find the person who can go through the mundane with you as well as the highs and the lows.

 

[Odilia]

I just thought of this joke someone sent me a long time ago, and thought it was applicable to this thread. You can read it straight thru, but it''s also funny if you compare the same number in each group.


WHAT I WANT IN A MAN

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

 

[LegacyGirl]

awhaha I love age 72

How about 82

1)Still breathing
2)Can change his own diapers

 

[Erin]

Gosh, now I''m thinking that I am settling. Am I.I.I.I.I.I one of those girls who have succomb to the ticking clock? One of my biggest ''absolutely not'' has been changed with this guy I''ve been dating about a year. He''s divorced. On top of that he has two small children.

I would have never ever ever ever been interested in him even five years ago because he''s divorced with children. But he''s a great guy with all the right qualities for me. Very similar background, smart, handsome, family oriented, financially secure, driven, fun, athletic, funny...

So is that what settling is? Looking at something that used to be a deal-breaker and now allowing it?
Let''s face it, being divorced with children has more ramifications than say, being short or hairy or less educated...

Well then, yes. I''m settling. But I''m not settling on the who he is as a person and how he treats me, but the circumstances around him.

 

[Sha]

Date: 2/12/2008 1:32:08 PM
Author: old-fashioned girl

I just thought of this joke someone sent me a long time ago, and thought it was applicable to this thread. You can read it straight thru, but it''s also funny if you compare the same number in each group.


WHAT I WANT IN A MAN

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

That''s so funny!!!!

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 2/10/2008 11:20:39 AM
Author: LegacyGirl

I always thought I would end up with a smoking hot doctor, lawyer, or plastic surgeon but I didn''t. On the other hand I don''t feel like I settled at all. I''m treated like a princess and we have so much fun together. I know people talk and may think I''m settling but I can''t imagine being with anyone else. I''ve been told our relationship looks insane to other people.... I''m a lawyer- he''s in the tattoo industry, I''m very clean cut and well educated- he''s covered in tattoos and piercings and pursued art in college, I''m on the smallish side and Italian- he''s huge and Vietnamese. But you know what? When I have to do something he has no problem putting on a nice suit (and he looks good too!) and when we go out with his group I somehow manage to pull out the stick that is wedged up you know where

. I get along with his friends too, most of them are so nice one you get to know them. We''ve learned to get along and compromise enough to be really happy and I have to admit he''s opened my eyes to so many different ways of thinking I know I have greatly advantaged from it.

I have to say the kicker was when he found out how badly I wanted to go to the ballet here. I didn''t even bother to ask him because I thought he would never do it (on top of it being a ballet, it was also a law school function for me so a great deal of my professors were there). Well he not only took me, he ran out and got a suit special for the event and tried his best to behave the whole night! Like I said above, on top of how well we get along and have fun together, the willingness to compromise on both our parts has made us incredibly strong. Now if only I can get him to drink wine...

I used to be in the corporate world for years and years. And coming from a poor, single parent household, I had it drilled into my head (unconsciously, but the message still got through) that "It''s just as easy to love a rich man than a poor man." Well, not to insult anyone on the board who is corporate, but a lot of men in the corporate world are donkey-holes. I dated a lawyer, an oral surgeon and a few accountants. My ex husband is a mechanical engineer. Can you say self-centered? Arrogant? Unimagnative? I know I am generalizing....but it is more often true than not.

After my divorce, I decided to be true to ME. I got out of the corporate world and now have a job where I can go to work in jeans if I want. The last time I wore a suit was to a funeral. And I decided to date men that appealed to ME ONLY....and ignore what looked good on paper. My current BF is in construction. He has his own business and makes a very good living, but I have more education than he does. He went to college for a year before he decided it was not for him; I have two degrees. I also happen to love tattoo artists and bikers. Tattoo artists are almost like unpaid psychiatrists - in addition to being a great artist, you have to have a lot of tact, interpersonal skills and the ability to listen well. Sometimes, you will have to work on a client you don''t like. I have a lot of friends who are bikers (the law-abiding kind) and they are some of the earthiest, most honest people you''d ever want to know.

At this point in my life, I''d be "settling" if I went for Mister Suit & Tie. After all, that''s what people expect me to do.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 2/12/2008 1:32:08 PM
Author: old-fashioned girl

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

This reminded me of my grandparents. They were married over 60 years, until my grandfather passed away. He had Parkenson''s disease and a lot of health issues towards the end. My grandmother developed Dementia, but it didn''t get bad enough for her to require 24/7 care until after he passed away. While he was alive, she was just mildly forgetful. Anyway - this could have either been her Dementia or just the fact that when you''re over 80, you no longer give a poop and say whatever - but she got very outspoken.

My grandfather had an accident where he required hip surgery, and after 3 weeks in the hospital, he came back home. My grandmother insisted that she could care for him without a visiting nurse. And she did, too. So one day, she was helping him use the bathroom....and....well.....he didn''t make it. I happened to go over to their house for a visit and came upon the scene. I asked my grandmother - as delicately as I could - if I could help her clean things up. She looked at me with a very indignant look and said, "NO! When you''ve been married as long as we have, wiping your man''s @ss is not something you need other people''s help to do!"

What could I say to THAT?!! I went downstairs and sat in the living room like a good grandaughter and pretended I did not see a thing. But yes, that is true love for sure - helping when he can''t hit the toilet.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Independent Gal]

I know a handful or wonderful men in the corporate world, who seek out people outside of it because, while their brains love the challenge and compeition of business, their hearts and minds love learning, music, art, travel, ideas. My circle of friends is very diverse with respect to occupation. Some corporate, some not. There are always exceptions!

 

[Odilia]

Date: 2/12/2008 3:46:21 PM
Author: sandia_rose

Date: 2/12/2008 1:32:08 PM
Author: old-fashioned girl
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)


1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

I asked my grandmother - as delicately as I could - if I could help her clean things up. She looked at me with a very indignant look and said, ''NO! When you''ve been married as long as we have, wiping your man''s @ss is not something you need other people''s help to do!''

What could I say to THAT?!! I went downstairs and sat in the living room like a good grandaughter and pretended I did not see a thing. But yes, that is true love for sure - helping when he can''t hit the toilet.

Sandia, I laughed so hard when I got to your grandmother''s comment!! Although, you are so right, that is true love for sure! It is actually very touching, even if somewhat humorous given the content.

I actually had a sort of similar incident with my parents when I lived with them before my wedding. To avoid making this a gross-out thread, I will just say my Dad had a similar accident due to colon-cancer surgery aftermath, and I tried to help, but I have such a weak stomach for that sort of thing, so I was doing that retching thing, and my Mom and Dad were like, "don''t worry, we can clean it up." And I thought, wow, some help I am. But again it shows that committment and true love as you said.

 

[Selkie]

Wait, so the woman who wrote this article is saying that if you want kids or don''t want to be single for the rest of your life then settle for the next best option that comes along, and she herself isn''t married yet, but decided to go the sperm donor route...because...she hasn''t settled? Whaaaat?

I never had a laundry list of criteria for guys I dated that I checked off before dating them. Either I was attracted strongly to someone, or not at all, no shades of gray. And attraction was mainly physical and involuntary, though it would often be strengthened by having interests or backgrounds in common. I never dated anyone for long to whom I didn''t have that fundamental attraction, because I would literally have anxiety attacks over not "feeling" it! Luckily I met and married someone who both set off sparks for me (even though after seven years, the sparks die down but the basic physical connection is still there) AND is smart, funny, sweet, and loving. Of course, I never wanted kids and always felt I COULD be happily singly if it came to that, so maybe I''m not a good example. I would so much rather be old and single, happily living my life as I wanted, than to be married to someone I had settled for, but grown to resent.

 

[Odilia]

Date: 2/12/2008 5:27:17 PM
Author: Selkie
I would so much rather be old and single, happily living my life as I wanted, than to be married to someone I had settled for, but grown to resent.

That''s how I always felt, and I have no regrets about waiting for my Mr. Right.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 2/9/2008 1:09:36 PM
Author: peridot83
I find in the U.S., the ''culture'' that traditionally came out of being in college and graduate school can create rifts with those who don''t subscribe to this culture. Not, who you were born to as such:

i.e. a liking for wine, a willingness to try new foods and travel, a craving for non-chain/huge market store goods, movies, and books. The ability to talk about politics and philosophy in certain measured ways. Additionally, the culture encourages less adherence to gender roles, disdain for yelling/screaming, shows of emotion in public.

I do belong to this group, and it would be hard for me to date/marry someone who couldn''t talk about politics the way I did, who had no curiosity/craving to travel the world, who adhered to more traditional ideas of gender roles.

However, the interesting thing is that I wasn''t born into this group: my mother never went to a four-year university, we are an immigrant family. Additionally, college/university no longer breeds everyone to be this way: many of my high school friends/college friends became engineers and among that group very few have developed any of the above values.

I hope you meant that as a stereotype? Because, uh...yeah. College, smollege. I did go, but most of the people I know now that went think they''re holier than thou. Anyway, continue on...

 

[choro72]

I think the author is talking to the ladies who keeps their standards that they had set when they were 8. Of course ideals change. When you are young and inexperienced, you only have your standard set by what your mother tells you, and in the case of the United States, MEDIA. People need to experience relationships first hand in order to figure out what makes a good marriage and a lifetime partner.
As someone mentioned before, the word "settle" is not fitting. It''s about having clear, realistic goals.

old_fashioned girl, thanks for the laugh! I had to share it with everyone I know

 

[cutes814]

i get what the author is saying, i guess she could've communicated in another way instead of "settling".

funny, i never had a list of criteria for men i dated. i would meet them and if there is a connection, we'll go out again. i don't judge someone based on what they have or don't have or what school they graduated from, or how much money they have. as long as the guy's not an a**hole, then there's a chance it'll work.

i'm one of those people who don't believe in love at first sight. i do believe in lust at first sight tho. i believe love takes time to grow.

my friends have said that i'm so lucky when it comes to love. but i don't think it's luck. i think it's because i'm not as picky as them. i actually give the guy a chance to show his true colors before i dismiss him. i guess you can say i'm a realist when it comes to love.

so hubby and i have been together for 6 years now and our love continues to grow. i don't think i settled at all. but that could be because i never had a list.

 

[HollyS]

I don''t think I settled. But - - my idea of what was important certainly changed. I grew up and realized I wasn''t perfect, so who was gonna marry me ???? Mr. Imperfect, that''s who!

You understand, as you get some years on you and gain a little wisdom and perspective, that someone you would have thought a bit ''nerdy'' in your twenties, is really the ideal guy ''cause he''s sweet, funny, sentimental, respectful of you, and has grown comfortable with himself. Others respect him; he''s got a decent job and a good reputation; he''s involved with his community and/or church.

It''s the guy who, still, at 40 or more, thinks he''s a hot shot with the world by the tail, you should be leary of. Cute doesn''t cut it at that age. Honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, some humility, and a great deal of kindness are the real attributes that make the ''less than GQ'' guy a good catch. And no one ''settles'' for that guy; we thank our lucky stars and the good Lord that he came into our life at the right moment. Can I get an ''Amen''?

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Date: 2/13/2008 2:22:10 PM
Author: HollyS
I don''t think I settled. But - - my idea of what was important certainly changed. I grew up and realized I wasn''t perfect, so who was gonna marry me ???? Mr. Imperfect, that''s who!

You understand, as you get some years on you and gain a little wisdom and perspective, that someone you would have thought a bit ''nerdy'' in your twenties, is really the ideal guy ''cause he''s sweet, funny, sentimental, respectful of you, and has grown comfortable with himself. Others respect him; he''s got a decent job and a good reputation; he''s involved with his community and/or church.

It''s the guy who, still, at 40 or more, thinks he''s a hot shot with the world by the tail, you should be leary of. Cute doesn''t cut it at that age. Honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, some humility, and a great deal of kindness are the real attributes that make the ''less than GQ'' guy a good catch. And no one ''settles'' for that guy; we thank our lucky stars and the good Lord that he came into our life at the right moment. Can I get an ''Amen''?

Amen, sister!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/13/2008 3:11:30 PM
Author: Patiently_Waiting

Date: 2/13/2008 2:22:10 PM
Author: HollyS
I don''t think I settled. But - - my idea of what was important certainly changed. I grew up and realized I wasn''t perfect, so who was gonna marry me ???? Mr. Imperfect, that''s who!

You understand, as you get some years on you and gain a little wisdom and perspective, that someone you would have thought a bit ''nerdy'' in your twenties, is really the ideal guy ''cause he''s sweet, funny, sentimental, respectful of you, and has grown comfortable with himself. Others respect him; he''s got a decent job and a good reputation; he''s involved with his community and/or church.

It''s the guy who, still, at 40 or more, thinks he''s a hot shot with the world by the tail, you should be leary of. Cute doesn''t cut it at that age. Honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, some humility, and a great deal of kindness are the real attributes that make the ''less than GQ'' guy a good catch. And no one ''settles'' for that guy; we thank our lucky stars and the good Lord that he came into our life at the right moment. Can I get an ''Amen''?

Amen, sister!

I can shout out an Amen for that one too...

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 2/13/2008 5:31:58 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/13/2008 3:11:30 PM

Author: Patiently_Waiting

Date: 2/13/2008 2:22:10 PM

Author: HollyS

I don''t think I settled. But - - my idea of what was important certainly changed. I grew up and realized I wasn''t perfect, so who was gonna marry me ???? Mr. Imperfect, that''s who!


You understand, as you get some years on you and gain a little wisdom and perspective, that someone you would have thought a bit ''nerdy'' in your twenties, is really the ideal guy ''cause he''s sweet, funny, sentimental, respectful of you, and has grown comfortable with himself. Others respect him; he''s got a decent job and a good reputation; he''s involved with his community and/or church.


It''s the guy who, still, at 40 or more, thinks he''s a hot shot with the world by the tail, you should be leary of. Cute doesn''t cut it at that age. Honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, some humility, and a great deal of kindness are the real attributes that make the ''less than GQ'' guy a good catch. And no one ''settles'' for that guy; we thank our lucky stars and the good Lord that he came into our life at the right moment. Can I get an ''Amen''?

Amen, sister!

I can shout out an Amen for that one too...

I third the AMEN on this one!

 

[Haven]

Date: 2/13/2008 7:26:52 PM
Author: ladypirate

Date: 2/13/2008 5:31:58 PM

Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/13/2008 3:11:30 PM


Author: Patiently_Waiting

Date: 2/13/2008 2:22:10 PM


Author: HollyS


I don''t think I settled. But - - my idea of what was important certainly changed. I grew up and realized I wasn''t perfect, so who was gonna marry me ???? Mr. Imperfect, that''s who!



You understand, as you get some years on you and gain a little wisdom and perspective, that someone you would have thought a bit ''nerdy'' in your twenties, is really the ideal guy ''cause he''s sweet, funny, sentimental, respectful of you, and has grown comfortable with himself. Others respect him; he''s got a decent job and a good reputation; he''s involved with his community and/or church.



It''s the guy who, still, at 40 or more, thinks he''s a hot shot with the world by the tail, you should be leary of. Cute doesn''t cut it at that age. Honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, some humility, and a great deal of kindness are the real attributes that make the ''less than GQ'' guy a good catch. And no one ''settles'' for that guy; we thank our lucky stars and the good Lord that he came into our life at the right moment. Can I get an ''Amen''?

Amen, sister!

I can shout out an Amen for that one too...

I third the AMEN on this one!

Fourth Amen! here.

I''ll add: someone who lives according to his own terms, and can engage in conversations that go deeper than his favorite Seinfeld episode and what happened at work today to Holly''s list of attributes. I could never marry a bore, never.

 

[ringster]

Date: 2/13/2008 11:20:03 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 2/13/2008 7:26:52 PM

Author: ladypirate

Date: 2/13/2008 5:31:58 PM


Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/13/2008 3:11:30 PM



Author: Patiently_Waiting

Date: 2/13/2008 2:22:10 PM



Author: HollyS



I don''t think I settled. But - - my idea of what was important certainly changed. I grew up and realized I wasn''t perfect, so who was gonna marry me ???? Mr. Imperfect, that''s who!




You understand, as you get some years on you and gain a little wisdom and perspective, that someone you would have thought a bit ''nerdy'' in your twenties, is really the ideal guy ''cause he''s sweet, funny, sentimental, respectful of you, and has grown comfortable with himself. Others respect him; he''s got a decent job and a good reputation; he''s involved with his community and/or church.




It''s the guy who, still, at 40 or more, thinks he''s a hot shot with the world by the tail, you should be leary of. Cute doesn''t cut it at that age. Honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, some humility, and a great deal of kindness are the real attributes that make the ''less than GQ'' guy a good catch. And no one ''settles'' for that guy; we thank our lucky stars and the good Lord that he came into our life at the right moment. Can I get an ''Amen''?

Amen, sister!

I can shout out an Amen for that one too...

I third the AMEN on this one!

Fourth Amen! here.


I''ll add: someone who lives according to his own terms, and can engage in conversations that go deeper than his favorite Seinfeld episode and what happened at work today to Holly''s list of attributes. I could never marry a bore, never.

and a fifth AMEN from me!

 

[Mediterranean]

Yeah, that author coulda picked a better way to say it, but the situations she described really ARE settling. There''s a difference between revising your relationship wish-list as you gain life experience and marrying a full-on gay dude, for crying out loud!

 

[Allison D.]

It''s been a looooooooooooooooong time since I read anything that riled me up quite the way that article did.

What that gal wrote is complete BUNK. Here''s what I think of her perspective: she decided to get all ''empowered'' and have a child on her own, and now that she''s realized how much work it is and how she''s always on duty, she''s decided she wishes she had someone around to get a respite.

That woman is not looking for marriage. She boldly decided to become a single parent and has subsequently realized it''s a whole boatload tougher than she realized, and now she''s looking for someone to shoulder some of the responsibility. She doesn''t want a partner. She doesn''t want a confidante. She just wants someone to hand her kid off to for 20 minutes to get a break. "Hey just settle for anyone; it''s not like you''ll really have to talk to them that much anyway once the kid comes." Nice message, huh?

I completely disagree with everything she wrote.

Her whole message is ''hey, be careful about ruling out too much or you might end up alone." Really....like that''s some horrible fate?

I didn''t meet my husband until I was 37. I had an incredibly full, rich, vibrant life when I was single, and I didn''t sit around saying ''what if I end up alone?'' Heck, for me it was the opposite feeling.......''whew, thank god I didn''t marry THAT guy, because I''m happier single than married and miserable.

When I was 27, I had met a guy (Tom) who was quite interested; he was funny, sweet, and I knew he would be good to me.....but it just wasn''t there for me. I didn''t have some arbitrary list of ''oh, he has to be tall, dark, blah, blah''. I had no defined ''criteria'' set other than "he''s someone who can keep up with me and challenge me intellectually, someone I''ll want to talk to in 50 years with a sense of humor and kindness." Pretty short list. I recall thinking at the time, gee, maybe I''m wanting too much. Still, I just couldn''t bring myself to do it. I felt it would be unfair and cruel to him to end up resenting him later for settling.

Ten years later, I met Rich. He was the icing on an already very robust cake. I had a very full and happy life, and he''s added to it in ways I couldn''t have imagined possible. At nearly six years later, I''m still insanely in love with him, and I''m amazed at the dimensions our relationship takes on as it grows and ages. It''s not the white-hot flame of a new romance; it''s something better. It''s the long, slow, steady, sustained burn of a well-tended fire.

I''d have missed all that if I''d have settled.

Settling is not the same as maturing, by the way. Maturing is realizing what does and doesn''t *really* matter in a relationship. Settling is knowing what you really need to make you happy and deciding that less than that will do because, well, something is better than nothing.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I know many women, who upon reaching late 20s, sort of got into this rut of "whoever comes next is the one for me." Luckily, few of them stuck to that theory. And the ones who did aren''t married anymore, or are completely miserable.

I didn''t settle, but had wished I''d found my husband earlier in life, for many years I wondered why the "good ones" were gone. They''re not. You just have to look and trust and wait and be happy when you find a wonderful man.

On the flip side, I have a male friend about to be thirty, and he''s made comments that the next girl he dates will be his wife. That''s really crazy to me, because how can a person know you''re going to marry someone you''ve not even met yet? Odd. The point is; I don''t think this "desperation" the article speaks of women-centered. Men seek marriage, too. Just as much, but usually a little further down the road than women do.

Of course, no one is perfect and I think women tend to want perfection more than men do. My husband, who is wonderful and awesome, is not perfect and he reminds me fairly often that he''s not, because I do really think women''s expectations can tend to be a tad high.

He''s messy; he doesn''t remember everything I wish he did; we sometimes argue over these things, but all in all, he''s fabulous and I *so* didn''t settle, and no woman (or man) should!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 2/13/2008 2:22:10 PM
Author: HollyS
I don''t think I settled. But - - my idea of what was important certainly changed. I grew up and realized I wasn''t perfect, so who was gonna marry me ???? Mr. Imperfect, that''s who!

You understand, as you get some years on you and gain a little wisdom and perspective, that someone you would have thought a bit ''nerdy'' in your twenties, is really the ideal guy ''cause he''s sweet, funny, sentimental, respectful of you, and has grown comfortable with himself. Others respect him; he''s got a decent job and a good reputation; he''s involved with his community and/or church.

It''s the guy who, still, at 40 or more, thinks he''s a hot shot with the world by the tail, you should be leary of. Cute doesn''t cut it at that age. Honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, some humility, and a great deal of kindness are the real attributes that make the ''less than GQ'' guy a good catch. And no one ''settles'' for that guy; we thank our lucky stars and the good Lord that he came into our life at the right moment. Can I get an ''Amen''?

Amen, indeed! I don''t think settling is finding the best person for you, for life. Never ever is that settling!!

 

[Sha]

Date: 2/15/2008 9:50:50 PM
Author: Allison D.

Settling is not the same as maturing, by the way. Maturing is realizing what does and doesn''t *really* matter in a relationship. Settling is knowing what you really need to make you happy and deciding that less than that will do because, well, something is better than nothing.

Hmmm.... well put! That makes a lot of sense!

 

[MoonWater]

That article was rather sad and I''m not sure what to make up of it. I agree with others that using the word "settle" doesn''t seem right. I don''t know, maybe it''s because I had never planned to marry but I don''t feel like my requirements have changed as I''ve gotten older. Maybe it''s because I have so few:

1. Be extremely intelligent (smarter than me or at least as smart as me, but not arrogant).
2. Make me laugh.
3. Be attractive in my eyes.
4. Be passionate about what you do with your life (career, social causes, the arts, etc).

In that order. Mainly because if the first doesn''t happen, I won''t notice the second. And if the first two don''t occur, you likely wont be #3 (obviously because attraction is based on more than looks, my current bf is stereotypically handsome yet I didn''t notice until after I had a conversation with him). And #4 because I think it gives us all a sense of purpose and makes us happier in life which in turn makes us happier with our partner.

Actually, when I think on it, save #3, those are my requirements for friends.