Date: 9/26/2006 3:11:59 PM
Author: decodelighted
Man I wish I was someone''s favorite advice giver (hee hee!) but I''ll weigh in anyway. The ''you''re taking a chance with me'' comment chilled me a bit. It''s almost as if he''s holding all the cards & you''re just waiting to see what he decides. WOULD it be a dealbreaker if he said ''No kids'' today?
One of my best friends (a woman) was an engamement foot-dragger. She suffers from depression and anxiety and committment issues & a damaging childhood. Her husband chased her, proposing often & persistantly ... they went to counseling, eventually she married him. She''s 41 now. He''s 36ish. He wants kids. She doesn''t. They''v been married almost ten years (constant counseling) and still can''t resolve the issue. She genuinely fears that she is not capable of being a good mother (because of never having HAD good mothering and legitimate psychological/chemical concerns). He doesn''t understand why she won''t just ''do it'' to please him & let a nanny raise the kid. (Swell idea for the kid, not!). It is affecting their relationship and I can''t help but wonder if the issue will be their undoing. Heck, he''s a young buck ... plenty of hot trixies willing to pop some out for him down at the office.
Date: 9/27/2006 10:18:52 AM
Author: janinegirly
larissa: well i think it is all well and good in theory that a couple express all life goals up front and thoroughly on date 1, but in reality this just isn''t always practical. People are vague, or say something they think people want to hear, or people HEAR things they want to hear. However, if one party or the other are very against having kids, I believe they should speak up or else some assumptions will be made.
Anyway, I''m not saying it isn''t beneficial to lay it all on the table, I''m just saying it doesn''t always happen or isn''t always realistic.
My bf has also been back and forth. He is by nature a very indecisive person (or at least nervous about taking permanent steps). At times he has told me about schools districts for kids (when we were discussing where to move next), then he has expressed number of kids he''d like. Then on another night, if we are having a deep discussion, he says he is not sure about kids and that previous talk was just him trying to work through things. He admits he didn''t always feel this way about children--IE he felt differently a few years ago. He cannot explain why. It is not cut and dry, and it is NOT easy to deal with or know how to handle. He could just be scared and everything will fall into place. Or not.
Dawn: you are sooo right, it really sounds like our guys are v. similar. My bf was also previously engaged. The thing is, my bf isn''t able to verbalize exactly why he doesn''t want kids except he thinks it''s unfair to have kids unless you''re ready to do everything for them and basically turnover your entire life to parenting and have no other identity. That sounds sweet, but it isn''t so drastic! I really think sometimes he isn''t capable of seeing long term or understanding that life CHANGES. (he seems to fear changes). Meaning when you are 50 or 60 you will likely not be so hung up on freedom and appreciate and love the companionship of a family and kids. I partly try to counsel him, and partly feel exhausted by it all. You and I should keep updating each other, since our SO''s seem to be cut from the same cloth! Thanks for the post
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