Wording help - how to say "No more gifts, please"

[Elmorton]

I''m doing thank you letters this week for Christmas gifts, and I''m planning on asking my aunt and cousin to stop sending gifts next year. The question is how.

Back info: I haven''t seen my aunt probably since my wedding more than a year ago, and it''s been even longer since I''ve seen the cousin since she currently lives in Germany. These are family members that I''ve never been close to (as in, I''ve never talked to them for longer than 10 minutes in my life). I''m about 15 years younger than my cousin and my mom has never been close to her brother (the husband of the aunt who sends the gifts). They only talk when it concerns essential info re: my grandma. DH and I don''t actually buy them gifts in return - I think my mom may just throw in our names on gifts she purchases for them. I''m not sure if she even does that anymore. But both DH and I feel uncomfortable receiving the gifts because a) we don''t know these people really at all, b) we''re strapped for cash at Xmas with our families as is, so we don''t have any intention of giving them gifts now nor in the future, and thus we feel pretty embarrassed as recipients, and c) the gifts are pretty much a symbol of how dysfunctional the family is - people go years without talking and instead send gifts at Xmas as if that somehow makes everyone feel better (which it doesn''t for me or DH).

Clearly item c) is not something I''d mention to them, but I''d like to be able to politely say the first two things - basically, the aunt and uncle live in the same town as my grandma (with whom we do visit), so DH and I would be very open to meeting them for coffee or lunch (ie, actually getting to know them or spend time with them), and we are sincerely uncomfortable with the current situation.

I really don''t want to offend the aunt (who I''m guessing will be offended on principle) or the cousin (she really gives thoughtful gifts and we don''t want to sound ungrateful). I realize that sending someone a thank you and saying "btw, please stop" is, by Miss Manners standards, essentially rude, but I think it''s just time to get this over with.

So I need mega help on crafting the wording of this note. Any ideas? Has anyone sent a note like this before? What did you say? (and...what was the result?)

 

[AmberGretchen]

Honestly, I just don''t think this is a battle worth fighting. I can see where you are coming from, but I just don''t see how its worth it to tell them this. Presumably they give you gifts because for some reason they want to, and I don''t see how its fair to ask them to stop. If they have expressed to you or someone else in your family that they expect something in return, then that''s different, but it doesn''t sound like that''s the case. Given that, I''d leave it, but that''s just my opinion.

 

[Haven]

I hear ya, El, we eighty-sixed all gifts between adults this year, too. Normally I would say that there''s no way to tell someone to stop giving you a gift, but if it''s a mutual gift-giving situation, I think there''s an out. We called every adult relative on my DH''s side and asked how they would feel if we only did gifts for all the kiddos from here on out. We don''t have any children yet, but everyone else does, so it wasn''t as if we were saying "Hey, buy gifts for our offspring, but not for us." Everyone was really relieved that we started the ball rolling with this. There are so many kids in the family, anyway, so the festive ripping open of gifts ordeal was still there.

However, DH''s family is a buy-it-on-the-way-to-the-party-and-stuff-it-in-a-bag type when it comes to holiday gifts.

I know it''s a very delicate situation, and you now me, I''m a stickler for etiquette, but the gift giving had gotten so rampant that we had to put a stop to it.

Assuming that your relatives still think that you are giving them the gifts that your parents send, I think it would be fine to call them up and ask how they feel about nixing all adult gift exchanges in the future. I wouldn''t write it in the thank you cards, but I would call up in a few weeks or write another letter. I don''t think there''s anything wrong with saying "We''d like a gifts-for-kids-only policy, please."

 

[oneandahalfrock]

How about something along the line of, "The most wonderful gift you can give us would be some conversation over coffee." Just let them know you value them, appreciate the sentiment, but they don''t need to send you material good to prove that they enjoy you as well.

 

[steph72276]

Date: 1/3/2009 2:07:37 AM
Author: oneandahalfrock
How about something along the line of, ''The most wonderful gift you can give us would be some conversation over coffee.'' Just let them know you value them, appreciate the sentiment, but they don''t need to send you material good to prove that they enjoy you as well.

I was going to say something along those lines. Maybe something like "next year instead of gifts, let''s get together for dinner or coffee". Or maybe have your mother mention that you guys would prefer not to exchange gifts because your saving up for something. Or another option is to just get something really inexpensive so you won''t feel bad about it. How about a Christmas ornament. You could find a nice one on sale now for a few dollars and save it until next year.

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 1/3/2009 8:13:20 AM
Author: steph72276

Date: 1/3/2009 2:07:37 AM
Author: oneandahalfrock
How about something along the line of, ''The most wonderful gift you can give us would be some conversation over coffee.'' Just let them know you value them, appreciate the sentiment, but they don''t need to send you material good to prove that they enjoy you as well.

I was going to say something along those lines. Maybe something like ''next year instead of gifts, let''s get together for dinner or coffee''. Or maybe have your mother mention that you guys would prefer not to exchange gifts because your saving up for something. Or another option is to just get something really inexpensive so you won''t feel bad about it. How about a Christmas ornament. You could find a nice one on sale now for a few dollars and save it until next year.

I think this sounds like a great idea.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I agree with the other posters above me.. Ditto everything you have said! There really is no way to ask for someone to stop sending you gifts without really offending them. I''m just imagining how my mom would react to a similar situation, and it wouldn''t be pretty... No matter how delicately the letter was written.

 

[scarleta]

I have the same problem.In my opinion its the best to just accept it and acknowledge with a simple thank you .They are proud of it and you can not change them.I really don''t think they expect anything in return.
I am still receiving gifts from Europe , they have to pay a fair postage and sometimes it arrives broken.I have tried to discourage them, but packages keep coming .So if that makes them happy let it be.It''s their happiness why take it away.