Worst VOWS Column EVERRRRRRR

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/17/2008 11:14:42 PM
Author: rockzilla
I have to admit that for the first 6 months my now fiance and I hung out (not dating!) we didn''t kiss...we were both convinced that the other person didn''t like us...even after analyzing all of the signals, I didn''t know...

But the part comparing the marriage to the fisherman snagging the trout is ridiculous!

How cute. SO and I were best friends for about a year before we started dating, and we knew each other for 3 years before we started dating. We made a conscious decision to date, and we were exclusive, but 6 mos, not a kiss. Not even an attempt. Not even when we were at Disney watching the fireworks at the Fantasia show!

(that would have been the PERFECT first kiss...)

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/17/2008 11:31:21 PM
Author: brooklyngirl

Date: 6/17/2008 10:48:58 PM
Author: trillionaire

I must confess that this story does SOUND a tad extreme, but I think I am more surprised by the judgmental reactions it is recieving!

Every couple has its own path, and commitment doesn't come as easily for some as it does for others. I can only imagine how wonderful their relationship must have been for such idiosyncracies to not matter so much that they couldn't make the relationship work!

If I am being honest... SO and I have been together for almost 5 years. We dated for 6 mos before we kissed. Yup, 6 mos. I could explain why, but it really doesn't need justification, it was just our situation, and it worked out just fine. Fast forward a year later, and SO was in an apartment with an air mattress. Slept on it for a year as I begged him to get a bed (he didn't want to pay a ton of money). He didn't get one until he moved to a new place, at which point he got one for $25 on Craigslist. Was I thrilled? No, but there was nothing wrong with the relationship, so no big deal. I barely remember it anymore.

He (we) also didn't say 'I love you' for over 2 years.

Yup. Over two. And that worked for us. I knew he loved me, and I loved him, it just hadn't been stated. Now he can't stop saying the dang words!

These things sound NUTS to other people, but they don't come close to describing the richness of our relationship, and to judge solely on a few quirky details would grossly misrepresent what our relationship has been. If you asked anyone who knows us, they would tell you that we have one of the most stable and balanced relationship that they know. We're not perfect, but we seem pretty well suited for one another!

I think most of the ladies are reacting to extreme indecision this guy was experiencing when it came to his wife. The fact that he needed to be given a deadline, and then negotiating an extra 20 minutes to get the ring. 20 minutes to buy an e-ring from a guy who can't decide on what mattress to get? It's one thing to hear 'I'm not ready to get married yet, but we'll do it eventually,' but I can't imagine how awful it feels to be with a guy who, after 5 years, still hasn't decided if you are the one.

All relationships have their quirks, but it seems that this one is one-sided, where he takes what he can get, and doesn't give a hoot about her feelings on the matter.

Thanks for clarifying, I definitely was reacting more to the nuances However, there are a lot of ladies (maybe gents too) here on PS that have internal and external deadlines for LTRs that they want to turn into marriages. I just think that the complexity of a relationship is not always captured well in these types of stories, and of course his eccentricities lend themselves to exaggeration in the article. (may have been a perfectly fair description though) I just have a hard time believing that she would marry someone who she didn't feel was worth the wait, the patience and the quirks. A lot of people get comfortable dating, and they don't really think about marriage until they are confronted with it. I've been with with SO for nearly 5 years (in september), and didn't think seriously about marriage until... um, a month ago. Honestly. I would dream of getting married and wake up hyperventilating. Probably not exciting for my SO, but it was really the farthest thing from my mind. I am really excited about marriage now (yes, that suddenly), but I can imagine how he had to think about it. If you asked me two months ago, I can't even say what I would have told you.

There are more than a few ladies around here who broke things off with SO's and FI's who were "not ready" after long relationships... and when they (SO's and FI's) figured out what they wanted, they can around and affirmed the relationship, or faded away.

I think rather than nitpicking the situation, we would be applauding

the happy ending. Alls well that ends well!

And the 20 minutes to e-ring probably seems shocking to people on PS who LOVE diamonds, but I read it differently. I thought, how sweet, he didn't want to just SAY, ok, let's do this, let's get married. He wanted her to SEE how resolute and serious he was, by showing up with a ring. Actions speak louder than words. It sounds like this guy had money... I'm pretty sure he could get a fabulous ring in 20 minutes by just spending a lot of money. (must be nice!)

 

[krispi]

I have to say that I agree with trillionaire - I''m a little surprised by the reactions to this article. It''s true that few of us would want to wait that long or live through that kind of uncertainty, but the reality is that some of us do. Some of us make a choice to wait and see if the other person will come around - that doesn''t always mean that we''re lacking in self respect, as long as we''re going into it fully aware of the situation.

I happen to have one of those BFs who spends a lot of time analyzing decisions and who doesn''t rush into commitments. I''m the type of person who knows what I want and goes after it. I totally identified with the girl in the article who didn''t consider herself patient but saw that her guy was able to help her develop that trait. Granted, my BF and I have only been dating a year and a half, but things have not progressed as quickly as I''d have liked. It''s been rough at times, and there were times I thought about leaving (like when he took 11 months to say that he loved me - it was really hard). But I also know that we get along really well, we compliment each other - both in personalities and in values, he''s an outstanding person, and he fits with my family like no one else I''ve ever met. We''ve finally reached a point where we''ve been able to discuss things openly and honestly - he knows what I want out of life, and I know that he wants it too eventually but he''s just not there yet. I don''t want to get too religious, but I also feel like this is where I''m supposed to be right now. So I''m waiting it out and trying my best to be patient. I think he''s worth it, and our relationship is too. Someday there may come a point when I have to decide if I want to wait any longer - we''re not there yet, and we both agreed that we didn''t want it to get that way. But if it does, he knows that I''m going to do whatever I believe is in my best interests. In the meantime, it feels good that we both know where the other is coming from.

In a weird way, the article gave me hope. My BF has some of the same tendencies, but he''s nowhere near as bad as the guy in the article. It was kind of like if that guy finally came around and felt confident about his decision, then there must be hope for me too.

 

[Anna0499]

I think the main reason why people are reacting the way they are is because the article made it sound like the girl had been ready, willing, and able to marry him for a long time before he was. I see absolutely no problem waiting 5, 10, 15, etc. years before marriage or never getting married at all as long as both people are on board and agree that that is what works for them. Obviously the writer of the article had the freedom to exaggerate facts to make them more sensational and "news-worthy" but it really struck a cord with me that she was sure she wanted to get married and he just seemed so indecisive. I guess how I feel about it would depend largely upon whether he needed the time to see if he wanted to get married or if he wanted to get married to her. I think setting a deadline for a decision is extreme, but in her case maybe it was the only way she was going to get a straight answer from him? Anyway, I know we''re all being cynical (although I''m not quick to label him as gay or having autism), but the gut reaction to a story like that where one half of the couple has to put so much work and effort into the relationship just to find out if he picks her is kind of sad.

 

[Delster]

Date: 6/17/2008 1:49:27 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 6/17/2008 11:33:44 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 6/17/2008 11:15:43 AM
Author: Pandora II
I have a suspicion that this man has quite severe Aspergers rather than being gay.

Well that''s an interesting idea ... didn''t consider that possibility. His, um, creative facial hair screamed ''trying to be hip'' & veered toward the metrosexual. Wonder if folks with Aspergers would be that attuned to fashion-y grooming details? My experience says otherwise, but I wouldn''t want to stereotype.

Some are, some aren''t. Of the people I know, those with more serious forms tend to be less interested than others.

The ''grooming'' (ha!

) could be at the bride''s suggestion rather than something he does on his own initiative?

 

[anchor31]

Date: 6/17/2008 11:36:03 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 6/17/2008 11:14:42 PM
Author: rockzilla
I have to admit that for the first 6 months my now fiance and I hung out (not dating!) we didn''t kiss...we were both convinced that the other person didn''t like us...even after analyzing all of the signals, I didn''t know...

But the part comparing the marriage to the fisherman snagging the trout is ridiculous!

How cute. SO and I were best friends for about a year before we started dating, and we knew each other for 3 years before we started dating. We made a conscious decision to date, and we were exclusive, but 6 mos, not a kiss. Not even an attempt. Not even when we were at Disney watching the fireworks at the Fantasia show!

(that would have been the PERFECT first kiss...)

Glad to know I''m not the only one! I took us 8 months of dating to kiss! And then we decided to go "steady". I was a teenager then, though!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/18/2008 9:53:18 AM
Author: Anna0499
I think the main reason why people are reacting the way they are is because the article made it sound like the girl had been ready, willing, and able to marry him for a long time before he was. I see absolutely no problem waiting 5, 10, 15, etc. years before marriage or never getting married at all as long as both people are on board and agree that that is what works for them. Obviously the writer of the article had the freedom to exaggerate facts to make them more sensational and ''news-worthy'' but it really struck a cord with me that she was sure she wanted to get married and he just seemed so indecisive. I guess how I feel about it would depend largely upon whether he needed the time to see if he wanted to get married or if he wanted to get married to her. I think setting a deadline for a decision is extreme, but in her case maybe it was the only way she was going to get a straight answer from him? Anyway, I know we''re all being cynical (although I''m not quick to label him as gay or having autism), but the gut reaction to a story like that where one half of the couple has to put so much work and effort into the relationship just to find out if he picks her is kind of sad.

Granted those featured in the article were about 10 years my senior...

SO and I have been going through a list of questions for couples, and one of the questions was: "Do you currently think that you are mature and experienced enough to be able to build and maintain a very successful marriage? When did you feel that you were ready, or when do you think that you will be there?"

As I said before, I had not seriously considered marriage until a few weeks ago. (and yes, it was sudden and exciting!) He said yes, that he could and that he had been ready for years, but knew that I was not. He knew that I wasn''t a marriage enthusiast, and I asked him why he would continue to date someone whom he felt did not want to get married. He said that he felt that I would come around eventually. My hesitation about marriage wasn''t about him. If my SO had given me an ultimatum or deadline, I would have to think A LOT, because who responds well to deadlines and ultimatums? It''s so forced. Love shouldn''t feel forced, IMHO, but sometimes when you are pushed, you get over yourself and take the leap of faith. And sometimes you need 20 extra minutes to get the ring. (for all we know, he could have spent the past 2 months looking for rings, and needed the 20 minutes to get through traffic)

I just thought it was a quirky, funny story with a happy ending. They certainly looked ebullient, and the day turned out beautifully. I was just thrown by the responses.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I have no issues with deadlines--I think internal deadlines are healthy and keep you in control of your own life. It''s obvious that this was a deadline created by both of them, which is fine, but the fact that he needed an extra 20 minutes? Incredibly insulting.

I also think quirks and idiosyncransies are great, but the only thing I see here is severe selfishness and a total lack of chemistry. Not exactly the best ingredients for a marriage. Not that it won''t work--if she didn''t extract herself from the dating relationship she''s probably not going to extract herself from the marriage, but lord knows if I were her friend and she called me up and said "You know, my husband is just so indecisive!" or "My husband didn''t put much thought into my birthday gift" or "It''s been a whole week since we''ve had sex! Grr!" I''d have to say "Yeah, go figure!!"

Different strokes for different folks, I guess! I''m sure she already knows what she''s in for.

 

[that_someone_special]

Oh heck no.

I need a kiss within 3 dates-- to see if there is chemistry.

On the BF and I''s third date, I got the most amazing, electric kiss!! He says still to this day that I was being too shy.. but.. rawr.. he''s so hot.

But 8 MONTHS?? I have needs. Hug me, kiss me... lol

 

[that_someone_special]

Date: 6/17/2008 9:59:35 AM
Author: meresal
How in the world did he decide on a ring in only 20 minutes?!?!?

Good point... I was wondering that too.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/18/2008 3:18:56 PM
Author: that_someone_special

Date: 6/17/2008 9:59:35 AM

Author: meresal

How in the world did he decide on a ring in only 20 minutes?!?!?

Good point... I was wondering that too.

This is soooo funny to me. I have no doubt in my mind that my sister would waltz into a store, look at the ring selection and be done in less than 20 minutes, especially if money isn''t an issue. Some folks can just do that sort of thing.

Since he was clearly an indecisive guy (and I am famously indecisive), if he is anything like me in a restaurant, he asked for a recommendation, and took it. Paid, left.

My SO knows I want a Trillion solitaire/center stone ring. Wouldn''t surprise me in the least if he chose one in 20 mins or less. He''s just not that into detail work *shrugs*