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Would you be offended if . . . ???

Are you or would you be offended if a separate card in the invite mentioned registries?

  • No, it wouldn''t offend me but I would think poorly of the B&G

    Votes: 1 100.0%
  • No, it wouldn''t offend me in the least

    Votes: 1 100.0%
  • Not at all, I would welcome the information

    Votes: 1 100.0%

  • Total voters
    1
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hehe i think about 3 out of the 5 last weddings we went to had a cash bar. they paid for all sodas and wine and anything else you had to pay out of pocket for. we were totally fine with that. i don't expect the B/G to pay for my vodka tonic because i don't like wine or whatever. now i do think having to pay for your own soda or whatever is a little tacky, is just water covered? it should just be BYOB then. hehe.
 
I did the wedding website to get work out about the registries, but I wouldn''t be offended by getting it in an invitation, I think I might have in the past.

I''m from Southern California, and have never been to a wedding with an open bar We had a cash bar, and so did my BIL, and sevreal of our cousins on both sides. The only open bar wedding I''ve been to was at a biker bar in Phoenix, so not really the highclass type of wedding.
 
I agree with the idea of putting the wedding website on a separate card, then when people check it out they'll see your registry info. It gets the job done but its more subtle. If you're sending Save the Date cards that would be a better time to give the website info.

I don't know about everyone else, but I tend to automatically check Wedding Channel and The Knot when I'm looking for a registry. I think that there's a good chance that a lot of people might find the info themselves. Well, maybe the techies at least.
 
I have mixed feeling about this issue.
I am still deciding if I even want to register because I feel like it''s a little presumptuous you know?
"Hey everyone!! Incase you feel like buying us gifts, here is a list of what we want!!"
On the other hand, EVERYONE knows you give gifts at weddings.....I would never show up at a wedding or shower with no gift, would you? I always give a gift for the shower and money for the wedding. I assume that is common?
But thats me....I wouldn''t want people to look at me like a gift hound.
However, I have never and would never look at someone else like that if they included registry info with an invite.
Honestly, it would never occur to me that they made a faux pas.
All of this etiquette stuff I am reading about makes me so nervous while planning.
Especially the open bar/cash bar thing. I have read that you should NEVER NEVER NEVER make guests pay for drinks.
But when I think about it, I have never never never been to a wedding with open bar.
I guess when it comes to stuff like this, people need to realize that alot of things are regional and also depend on who your social circle includes. Obviously my wedding and, lets say, the wedding of the daughter of a senator, will be VERY different.
I am sick of etiquette!!!!!!
 
Date: 5/2/2007 4:39:18 PM
Author: LauraLoo
All of this etiquette stuff I am reading about makes me so nervous while planning.

I am sick of etiquette!!!!!!

Here, here . . . I am with you 100% LauraLoo . . .
When I told my FI that cash bars are considered "tacky", something I only found out from the Knot a year ago . . . he gave me a look like I had 2 heads.

His response was . . .
"We will do what we can do with the budget we have and if someone doesn''t like it, they are welcome to decline the invitation, doesn''t bother me one bit to wittle those people from my guest list."

When I said what if people think it is tacky and think badly of us, his response was:
"Well, baby, they don''t really know us or understand that our love for them and our desire to share our happy day with them is what we are about"

And when I really think about it, he is right . . . plus, I don''t think we have anyone on our guest list who is all that hung up on etiquette anyway.
Anytime I begin to feel stressed about etiquette and being perceived as bad mannered or tacky, I just run my thoughts by my FI and he sets me straight . . . I am lucky to have such a down to earth guy in my life, he keeps me balanced.
 
offended no, but I would definitely think it was tacky!!!
 
I wouldn''t be offended at all - but then I like things upfront and easy to find, and it would be a nightmare if I had to start finding ways of contacting friends mothers etc to find their list. On the other hand, I rarely go the list route anyway...

FI and I are thinking of putting details on our website, especially as we are likely to have several different places. Is that considered okay?

I''m thinking most of my older relatives won''t have internet access anyway and can just call my mother!

Re the open bar dilemma. I will be serving wine and soft drinks only. My sister''s we only had white wine because of spillage issues, but I like red!

Certainly amongst my relatives and older friends a cash-bar is something they probably wouldn''t believe existed. I wouldn''t have one personally and I''d limit my numbers to make sure I could afford to do that. On the other hand I don''t have a problem with other people having a cash bar especially if I know they are paying for most of it themselves. I did find it a bit odd at one wedding though where the bride had spent 5,000k GBP on her dress and then had a cash bar...

It also depends a bit on how far people are travelling. For example it will cost FI and I at least $3,000 to fly out for FBIL''s wedding in the States this year once we include flights, accommodation, expenses while we''re there and gifts. We''re making it our annual holiday so I don''t begrudge it at all - I can''t wait!

I know FI is having an open bar as we actually discussed it - seems on UK wedding forums 90% of posters are having a cash bar and have never been to a wedding that didn''t have one - he felt it would be super-rude of him to make us all travel to the otherside of the world and then make us pay for drinks at his wedding. But, if it''s people from nearby and you don''t have much money then that''s another thing.
 
Re - registry info on invites. I wouldn''t be offended, but I would feel like the B&G are asking for a gift, and gifts are not what someone should get married for.

Re - cash/open bar. Only one out of 40 weddings at my venue, a very popular one booked all summer 18 months in advance, is an open bar. I''m not sure why it''s so uncommon, then again, my parents told me they never went to a social function that had one either, so I guess it''s a regional thing over here. Cash bars are just... the norm, I guess. However, 90% of our guests are OOT, from 1 hour to 7 hours drive, and some people will most probably have to pay over 300$ just in accomodations and gas, so... FI and I consider that paying 15$ pp for free wine, beer and soda is the very least we can do. (my mom''s completely freaked out about it, but that''s another story...
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I have never been to a wedding with a cash bar, I am in the NYC area, and I've been to lots of weddings. I'd love to someday be able to save on this expense when I get married but I know it would not go over well with people. I told my FF about this and he can't imagine a cash bar, as he thinks most people go to weddings for the open bar, lol.
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ETA: opens bar over here includes beer, wine, soda, and premium liquor
 
I've been to only one wedding with a cash bar, and to be honest, it was a bummer. The only thing they offered for free was an awful, frothy keg beer and anything else you had to pay bar prices for.

The other two weddings I attended recently had unlimited beer, white and red wine and champagne, which I was completely happy with. I don't need liquor, though it is a treat.

We're hosting a full bar, but we're lucky; we get to bring our own alcohol in. If we weren't able to, we'd cut back in another area so that at least beer and wine could be served.
 
I wouldn't be offended, but I'd probably gossip about it behind the sender's back
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It's pretty easy to find people's registries these days if they go to the typical places (i.e. BB&B, Crate and barrel, Target, etc.)

I've been at weddings where beer/wine was hosted and liquor was cash, and weddings where everything was hosted. I generally drink whatever is free, so not sure if they are saving a lot of money on me anyway. I guess I'd think it a little cheap if I had to buy a soda to drink with my hors d'oeuvres, though. I've never been to a wedding where you couldn't at least get a glass of wine without paying, plus I tend to think a meal is nicer/classier/fancier/better when served with an appropriate wine. But I know that it has to do with the culture in which I was raised - where it's kind of weird not to have a cocktail before dinner, wine with your dinner, and coffee afterwards if it's an "occasion".

For reference, we are doing an open bar with self-purchased liquor (probably not "premium", but mid-range everyday stuff). We are in the northeast, and we were told by our caterer that our venue would be "one of very few" that would even allow a caterer to set up a cash bar.
 
I wouldn''t be offended but I''d think they were tacky. My cousin did this and their registry included things like DVRs and video games, I didn''t attend the wedding (he and his bride are WAY out of town and we''ve met maybe 7 times) and I didn''t send a gift because I thought it was so tacky. I did send a nice congratulations card.
 
Wow. Before this webby, I never even knew that some people considered it tacky! I''ve received a little registry card with the invitation for a few weddings, and thought it convenient. For another wedding, I had to dig around to find out where they were registered. For another, the couple (my cousin and her fiance) didn''t register at all, so we debated back and forth for months what to get her (her and hubby are very well off, what do you GET people like that?) and finally settled on a bottle of Dom Perignon.

For birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, I like to search around for gifts, find something that really suits the person. When it''s a wedding, you''re buying for two people, jointly, one of whom you may or may not know very well. I like having the registry with the invitation so I don''t have to scavenge for it.
 
Well, I'm old fashioned (and OLD!) so I don't know what my opinion is worth...

If I could afford it, I'd have an open bar; if I couldn't, I'd have beer/wine/soda/champagne. If I couldn't afford that, I'd have a brunch reception and serve coffee/tea and juice, and champagne with the cake. I would NOT want my guests to pay for anything other than what it costs them to get there!

I've NEVER had any trouble finding out where a B&G are registered. I think including that info with an invitation is...well...tacky.

I don't think all this is so much a matter of 'rules of etiquette'...but simple hospitality and graciousness.

Old Granny Widget
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I think "offended" is not the correct word to describe it. For me, if I received an invite with a registry card tucked in I would think that the B&G were fishing for gifts. So offended, no. Tacky? Yes.
 
Date: 5/2/2007 7:39:43 PM
Author: widget

I don't think all this is so much a matter of 'rules of etiquette'...but simple hospitality and graciousness.

I agree, widget. The ceremony is very much for the couple, but I've never understood the whole "it's our wedding and we don't care what people think" thought process when it comes to the reception. A reception is a party you're throwing for your friends and family in honor of your marriage, right? I don't understand throwing a party and then proclaiming that you don't care about what your guests would want (or like).

I'm not trying to be snotty, I genuinely don't understand. FH and I are and have always been very receptive to our guests and what we think they would want, from the food to the seating to the music. I would easily forgo (and have!) expensive flowers or a 10 piece live band if it means we could offer better food or free alcohol, but I guess it's to each his or her own.

ETA: I just wanted to clarify that this isn't in response to anyone in this thread, it's just an attitude I've often noticed in other wedding communities I'm a member of.
 
Date: 5/2/2007 7:39:43 PM
Author: widget
Well, I''m old fashioned (and OLD!) so I don''t know what my opinion is worth...

If I could afford it, I''d have an open bar; if I couldn''t, I''d have beer/wine/soda/champagne. If I couldn''t afford that, I''d have a brunch reception and serve coffee/tea and juice, and champagne with the cake. I would NOT want my guests to pay for anything other than what it costs them to get there!

I''ve NEVER had any trouble finding out where a B&G are registered. I think including that info with an invitation is...well...tacky.

I don''t think all this is so much a matter of ''rules of etiquette''...but simple hospitality and graciousness.

Old Granny Widget
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Couldn''t have said it better! I agree 100%, Widget!!
 
In the most recent wedding invitation I recieved, there was a little card with their wedding website address. In addition to pictures and their "story", there was also a section on where they were registered. I think this is a classy and new age alternative to the problem of registry cards. They provided the access to the info without being obvious... and there was a lot of other good stuff on the site too.

I think this will be my plan when the time comes...
 
I completely agree, Widget.
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I guess I take the opposite view of it . . . the B&G invite those they love and whom they believe love them to share their joy on a special day that they are getting married. They provide what they can afford, let''s say that they provide good food, a place to socialize, water and soda. As a guest, what does it say about you if you judge and gossip and name call ??? I call this snotty and in bad form. I consider this expectation of alcohol to be what is bad manners. Guess to each their own. I am also not pointing fingers at anyone in particular, just truly cannot understand . . . these are people you supposedly love and care about and what they can afford to serve you or not afford to serve you will result in you thinking bad things about them and "talking" behind their back, argh . . . well, I am glad I don''t have to worry about this from my side of the family and my friends. I want my guests to have good food and a place to comfortably enjoy said food and the company of old friends and new ones.

If you attended a dinner party and the host had lots of good food and soda and water, would you go home and talk about how they didn''t have the wiskey tonic you really thought they should serve? To each their own, I guess. I don''t find most of this "tacky" . . . there is so much that falls under this "tacky" label that I just don''t get . . .

maybe that makes me tacky, but I guess I am okay with that . . . I don''t judge my friends or family based on what they can afford to give me. This wedding planning stuff is a huge pain in the you know what, if only I could elope
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You make a wonderful point, hikerchick. You're inviting people that you love, and whatever you're able to provide, they should be grateful for. Everyone has their own priorities and traditions, and its rare that two people will agree about 100% of a how a celebration is put together or put into action.

I do agree that wedding etiquette can be exhausting, and what it comes down to is that a wedding is a celebration of your marriage, and it should be done your way.
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Gosh...who said anything about judging, gossiping or name-calling?

widget

I do agree that it is unfortunate that there usually is an expectation of alcohol....at least there is where I come from...
 
Date: 5/2/2007 9:05:44 PM
Author: EBree
You make a wonderful point, hikerchick. You''re inviting people that you love, and whatever you''re able to provide, they should be grateful for. Everyone has their own priorities and traditions, and its rare that two people will agree about 100% of a how a celebration is put together or put into action.

I do agree that wedding etiquette can be exhausting, and what it comes down to is that a wedding is a celebration of your marriage, and it should be done your way.
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Yeah, everyone is different and in the end if we can each be happy with what we do and can have fun and show our guests a good time, that is all that matters. Good thing most men stay out of the planning, how else would be pull off all the separate opinions. Our stress is gonna come from the 2 different cultures we are going to be juggling rather than etiquette anyway . . . let the drama begin, i say . . . I am steeled and ready.
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Date: 5/2/2007 9:12:00 PM
Author: widget
Gosh...who said anything about judging, gossiping or name-calling?

widget

I do agree that it is unfortunate that there usually is an expectation of alcohol....at least there is where I come from...
I guess I am getting judgement from most of this thread. Judgement of what the B&G may choose to do, be it invitations or alcohol, etc . . . the gossiping was mentioned by someone in particular and was refered to and inferred in the posts and the poll about thinking badly of the B&G and finally, I take calling the B&G "tacky" for how they may choose to do things would be name calling in my book.

We must be reading these threads and posts like these differently if you don''t see the judging, gossiping and name calling. no worries, I am more amused and intrigued than offended or upset. I just have a different view of things and a different view of weddings than maybe the mainstream. I wasn''t accusing anyone in particular, but just calling it as I see it . . . we can definitely agree to disagree.
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In India, food and company of family, friends, friends of family, family of friends . . . this is usually the focus. Most Indian weddings, at least in India don''t have alcohol, it just isn''t an issue. Drinking isn''t so prevalent and is actually considered uncouth by the upper classes. It is all about FOOD, FOOD and more FOOD. FI''s family might be more American mainstream though so we do have to consider all these issues with alcohol and etiquette and such.

Plus, most Indian "aunties" will talk "trash" no matter how extravagant so there is no avoiding the trash talk anyway . . . hahaha
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Hey Hikerchick...this'll teach me to stay out of the wedding threads! LOL.

I did realize after reading your other post that I was definitely speaking from my own VERY narrow perspective....not only am I old (I haven't been to a wedding in years) but I"m pretty insulated, culture-wise. (I think I was right when I said my opinion might not be worth much.
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I did not mean to sound judgemental, and apologize if I did.

To each his/her own, I say!!

widget
 
The solution of including the website address in the invite, and then the registry info on the website, has been mentioned several times. I''ve received invites done in this way, and I thought it handy since the links on the website took me directly to their registries with zero effort of my own.

That said, does anyone think having the registry info on the website is tacky?
 
Date: 5/2/2007 9:38:54 PM
Author: widget
Hey Hikerchick...this''ll teach me to stay out of the wedding threads! LOL.

I did realize after reading your other post that I was definitely speaking from my own VERY narrow perspective....not only am I old (I haven''t been to a wedding in years) but I''m pretty insulated, culture-wise. (I think I was right when I said my opinion might not be worth much.
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I did not mean to sound judgemental, and apologize if I did.

To each his/her own, I say!!

widget
Oh no, widget . . . please don''t stay away from the discussions. We are just tossing around our opinions, right? I am NOT offended, mostly just intrigued and presenting a different point of view from what seems the "norm", which actually you fall into better than myself, so I might be younger but apparently in the outer fringes.
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Seriously, no worries and we can definitely agree to each their own.
 
I think it''s just seen as presumptuous to include a registry card in the invite. If you''re all about having people there to celebrate your marriage, it shouldn''t really be about the gifts, in theory at least! I wouldn''t be offended at a registry card, but I would definitely think it''s tacky. I wouldn''t think less of the couple, though. I just might think less of their etiquette! My mom is an etiquette stickler (in a good way, really) so I might be a smidge more etiquette-friendly than other people my age.

As far as the cash bar vs. open bar thing, I think it must be totally regional. I''ve only been to one reception with a cash bar in my entire life...and it was my brother''s! Needless to say, my etiquette-loving mommy was not very pleased! Which was funny, because no one in my immediate family is a big drinker. A cash bar is just not what''s done around where I live. I was a little perturbed too, especially because they were carding and I wasn''t 21 yet! I had to keep getting my brother-in-law to buy me drinks!
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But I mean, if the bride and groom can''t afford an open bar, I understand. It''s very expensive, even if they buy their own liquor. Where I live, though, it''s just assumed that there will be alcohol served, even if it''s just wine and beer. And let''s be real, a wedding is a lot more fun when there''s free booze flowing!

I have also been to a wedding that was totally wack in a different way...NO DANCING! The bride and groom actually said "We don''t like to dance so we''re not playing a single song anyone can dance to." Why take everyone else''s fun away because you''re not into it?! UGH! I love to dance at weddings! It was one of the worst wedding receptions I''ve ever been to!
 
Date: 5/2/2007 10:47:33 PM
Author: thing2of2
I have also been to a wedding that was totally wack in a different way...NO DANCING! The bride and groom actually said ''We don''t like to dance so we''re not playing a single song anyone can dance to.'' Why take everyone else''s fun away because you''re not into it?! UGH! I love to dance at weddings! It was one of the worst wedding receptions I''ve ever been to!

We''re not having dancing, and I like to think that our wedding won''t be totally wack.
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We''re not trying to take away everybody else''s fun either -- we''re just all more into good wine and good food and want to focus on that.
 
I say forgot the etiquette rules and do what works for you! But I understand how those rules can impact one''s decision. I would prefer to just have a registry card b/c I don''t know who will view my website. I think it''s easier to just include the card for people''s benefit, especially when there''s two families, almost all the family members are out of town w/o that much contact w/others, friends who don''t know other family members to ask and some who don''t go online. But that''s just me.
I decided to put the info. on the website vs. a card in the invite, but mainly due to reading about how tacky it is. I personally don''t agree that it''s tacky and I would certainly not be offended. Why people bother to get upset about another person''s decision on what to include in *their* invitation is beyond me. It just seems silly to me. But that''s only my opinion.
I also find it funny that it''s certainly the norm to register but any mention of the registry crosses the line. Seems kind of backwards. The registry is only ok if it''s for material objects vs cash or honeymoon expenses or whatever. Why so many restrictions.. just not something I quite get.
 
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