Would you date a person with Bi-polar disorder?

[Gypsy]

Long story short, someone I know might be bi-polar (Type II-- apparently there are types and II means less extreme) and she is worried about dating... when to tell guys she has this, and how they will react. Apparently its very treatable with the right medications, but she will have to be on them for the rest of her life.

Would it change your perception of a person''s stability? Of their possibility to pass it on to their kids (she wants kids)?

All I could think of is all the negative fiction related to children whose parent has this (ER Sally Fields, In Her Shoes, the girls'' parents, etc.)

From what I understand many people with the disorder stop taking their meds because of fuzziness or unpleasant side effects and this can have a negative impact on their relations and so forth. Plus I saw links on google for support groups for family members who have a bi-polar person....

I wasn''t able to comfort her much, as I knew nothing about the type she had... but I have a feeling it will come up again soon.

Just for my own edification... what do you guys think?

 

[neatfreak]

I would have no problem with it. I think it''s easily controlled these days and even though symptoms might turn up occasionally, I think I would be fine with it. But it''s hard to say without being in that situation long term...

 

[diamondfan]

Just my opinion here, but this is a tough one. There are lots of unknowns with certain illnesses, and there are lots of people who fear the unknown, which makes for a tough combination. Can you go off meds safely? How long must you go of to get pregnant? If you are off them, how is your behavior? How likely is your child to have it and how serious is it in the long run? Etc etc. If it is very treatable and on the mild end of the spectrum, it might be really a non issue, but my sister had a roommate with bipolar that was quite severe and things got terribly scary. This person had delusions and was actually quite manic for long periods and really did some bizarre and dangerous things, and had to be subdued and was hospitalized. The behavior escalated from odd to frankly really scary. My sister was terrified of her at the end and obviously moved out. This girl had stopped her medication, there were so many issues, her family were Jehovah''s Witness''s and did not believe in treatment and convinced her not to take her meds etc, so it was an odd situation, but she was really sick, and things just got worse and worse. Maybe if she had stayed in treatment and on her meds and had family support, she would have remained stable, it is really hard to know. But I would think it is really a case by case thing, and depends on so many variables.

 

[decodelighted]

If I knew in advance, before getting involved -- I don''t think I''d choose to date someone with bi-polar disorder ... mostly cuz my own family tree is full up o'' crazy & that''s plenty to deal w/already. Also, because I''ve had a couple relationships with fellas of varying degrees of disorders -- one: depression/anxiety ... one: narcissitic personality/possibly bi-polar and it''s just too exhausting to maintain over the long term. Treated or untreated. Just my opinion for my own situation.

Date: 6/8/2007 12:03:00 AM
Author:Gypsy
Would it change your perception of a person''s stability? Of their possibility to pass it on to their kids (she wants kids)?

Yes, it would affect my perception of a person''s stability. Not that there aren''t good matches for someone who *isn''t* rock solid stable. And yes, it would concern me that the disorder - or similar disorders could be passed onto children ... and that the stress of having & raising the kids could bring out symptoms in parent & child.

 

[Gypsy]

Hmm. Interesting so responses so far.

She stated that she is going to a different doctor for a second opinion, because she thinks the doctor misinterpreted some of the things she said (English is not her first language)... and he said to her very bluntly: "You are psycho," which I''m hoping was the shrinks bad attempt at humor.

I felt really bad though, this is something very serious... even though the type she might have is considerably better than the type one.

I was doing some browsing and there seemed to be a suggestion that anti-depressants and trigger this in people who are genetically susceptible. Which I thought was scary.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/8/2007 12:03:00 AM
Author:Gypsy
Long story short, someone I know might be bi-polar (Type II-- apparently there are types and II means less extreme) and she is worried about dating... when to tell guys she has this, and how they will react. Apparently its very treatable with the right medications, but she will have to be on them for the rest of her life.

Would it change your perception of a person''s stability? Of their possibility to pass it on to their kids (she wants kids)?

All I could think of is all the negative fiction related to children whose parent has this (ER Sally Fields, In Her Shoes, the girls'' parents, etc.)

From what I understand many people with the disorder stop taking their meds because of fuzziness or unpleasant side effects and this can have a negative impact on their relations and so forth. Plus I saw links on google for support groups for family members who have a bi-polar person....

I wasn''t able to comfort her much, as I knew nothing about the type she had... but I have a feeling it will come up again soon.

Just for my own edification... what do you guys think?

I have a friend who is bi polar and I''ll ask her what she does.... I know SHE won''t date bi polar guys... she did once and said it was just a nightmare... that one of them had to be consistently sane LOL I think humor has a HUGE role but I''ll get back to you.

 

[scarleta]

I would not...

 

[Love in Bloom]

Date: 6/8/2007 12:38:25 AM
Author: Gypsy
Hmm. Interesting so responses so far.

She stated that she is going to a different doctor for a second opinion, because she thinks the doctor misinterpreted some of the things she said (English is not her first language)... and he said to her very bluntly: 'You are psycho,' which I'm hoping was the shrinks bad attempt at humor.

I felt really bad though, this is something very serious... even though the type she might have is considerably better than the type one.

I was doing some browsing and there seemed to be a suggestion that anti-depressants and trigger this in people who are genetically susceptible. Which I thought was scary.

That is awful that her doc said this to her. Very bad humor indeed! Given the signs and symptoms of her suspected diagnosis, maybe he was testing her to see how she would react? Stranger things have happened. Fortunately I am adopted (how often do you hear people say that) but my dad is bipolar II and shcizophrenia runs in my mom's side of the family. She is not schizophrenic per se, but she definitely has issues...I love my parents and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but thank the heavens every day I am not genetically related to them

.

Anyway, I must say that I feel along the lines of deco in saying that I would not necessarily seek out and choose to date someone with bipolar disorder, but then again, that is not the first thing I would want to know about someone either. I think for most people it would change their perceptions of stability to the point of not even getting close to thinking about kids. Maybe she should spend time with someone, let them get to know her first, and then, as with all personal things, share little by little with her date until she feels comfortable enough to share her diagnosis. She needs to be aware of her needs and surround herself with people who are emotionally equipped to handle her mood disorder.

Inevitably mood disorders ramify deeply into the lives of both the individual who has it and those around that person.There is something called rapid cycling that causes a person to go through extreme highs/lows in mood several times a day

...I think that is where the "psycho" stigma comes in. Bipolar people can be quite paranoid and manipulative too. One must understand when this is happening, and try not to take these moods personally. Also, just because a disorder is seen as controllable does not mean that it will always be controlled. My dad is bipoloar II and has several other health problems that make it difficult to balance his meds. Plus it has taken a long time to find the right combo of pharmaceuticals that keep him on an even keel...and even then the meds have to be adjusted and tweaked here and there, and some of them stop working all together so then it is like starting all over again. When he was dating (my mom and dad are divorced) he wouldn't tell his dates until he was comfortable enough to do so. A few ran for the hills, two of them stuck around longer. He will now be remarried for 7 years this July. The one that truly loved him stuck around and I couldn't be happier for him!

Gypsy, I hope your friend can get over her dating fears. I think everyone deserves to love and be loved!

 

[Mara]

I don't think I would personally choose to date someone if I knew up front they were bi-polar...I have known a few people who have it and it can be very up and down and if you are in a relationship or married to them it could be a rollercoaster for sure. Plus bring kids into the picture...etc. Medications can help but they don't react the same with everyone so it could be hit or miss as to how they work and also it could be trial and error with finding the right one.

One of the people I knew who had it did get married and found a great mate for him. I would imagine if the person doesn't say anything til you are more involved in the relationship and then you find out...it might be hard to just cut the tie if you are already emotionally invested, but up front I don't think I'd make the conscious decision to date them...that's just too much potential baggage to consider for someone you don't even really know yet.

I do believe there is someone (more than one someone through the lifetime) for everyone, so I would imagine your friend will find someone who loves her just the way she is. I would say though that I wouldn't just rush out and tell everyone she goes on a date with...she should just see how things go and if it gets to the point where she wants to share, then she should and then see how that goes. Many people will react differently most likely...but I do think that the people who I have met with bi-polar tend to exhibit similar characteristics, so it might be that someone who gets to know her after a few dates and all that might have an inkling.

 

[kcoursolle]

I actually have. I dated him for a few months in college before he got treatment for bipolar. The relationship was not pleasant (I rather not talk about it) and I would not repeat that experience.

Now that he has been treated, he is a great guy and I would consider dating a man that is post-treatment, taking his meds, and doesn''t stop taking his meds.

 

[anchor31]

I strongly suspect my brother''s ex was bipolar, but she wasn''t diagnosed (if she had, I''d have known, she was pretty narcissic too!). It was a nightmare for everyone in the family. She used to be my FI''s friend too, but she tried to break us up (

), so she''s pretty much out of the picture now.

If a man I was dating told me he was bipolar and taking meds, I''d probably be a little apprehensive. I''d probably make him promise not to stop taking the medication no matter what. To be honest I don''t know if it would work out, I think I''d always have this fear of him acting as my brother''s ex, and it would undermine the relationship.

 

[strmrdr]

There is really a book that can be written on this and I''m not up to it right now(no sleep, elbow acting up), maybe this weekend but.. the most important thing is get a second opinion!
Bi-polar is one of the most misdiagnosed illnesses out there!
especially type2.
type1 or classic bi-polar is less common and hard to miss but type2 symptoms can be several other things that require different treatments.
It doesn''t help that type2 is a catch all for about a dozen different things even when properly diagnosed that require different treatments.
Check references and find an expert do not take just any doctors opinion on it.
If a full blood workup hasnt been done it needs to be done right away.

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 6/8/2007 12:38:25 AM
Author: Gypsy
Hmm. Interesting so responses so far.

She stated that she is going to a different doctor for a second opinion, because she thinks the doctor misinterpreted some of the things she said (English is not her first language)... and he said to her very bluntly: ''You are psycho,'' which I''m hoping was the shrinks bad attempt at humor.

I felt really bad though, this is something very serious... even though the type she might have is considerably better than the type one.

I was doing some browsing and there seemed to be a suggestion that anti-depressants and trigger this in people who are genetically susceptible. Which I thought was scary.

He needs to have his licence pulled and she needs to get a second opinion right away if that is what he said.
The problem if it is type2 that might be what she heard and not what he said.
There are all kinds of things that can trigger it and a whole lot of things that can cause similar symptoms.
Reactions to anti-depressants being one of them that can trigger it or create similar symptoms that isnt it.
Which is why an expert needs to be consulted asap.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Personally, I would not. My mother is bipolar and it took me years to stop having nightmares about her illness. (On occasion, I still do). I was in college the first time she became psychotic (that I was aware of) and I was the only one around who could get her the care that she needed. Read: Talk her into going into the hospital because you can''t commit someone unless they consent unless they are dangerous. And now, it has come out that my 12 year old niece has it too and she has put her mother through a living heck. So not only do you have to deal with the person (mate), you risk your children or even grandchildren inheriting it too.

As far as your friend and dating, I would recommend she not tell the person until she has dated them for a month or two. That way, she knows whether she even cares enough about the person to bother. Also, it gives them enough of a chance to get to know her that they are either comfortable with continuing to date her or not. But I think if you tell someone on the first date, you send them running for the hills. I don''t think it reflects badly on them.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I dated a man for 3 months with bi-polar. Although medicated, he made me feel crazy. I have a good friend that is bi-polar too, her meds are worked out better than his were but if she stops take them for a few days she is destructive. I am not sure I could deal with having another partner with this disorder.

my 2 cts.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 6/8/2007 7:29:19 AM
Author: strmrdr
There is really a book that can be written on this and I''m not up to it right now(no sleep, elbow acting up), maybe this weekend but.. the most important thing is get a second opinion!
Bi-polar is one of the most misdiagnosed illnesses out there!
especially type2.
type1 or classic bi-polar is less common and hard to miss but type2 symptoms can be several other things that require different treatments.
It doesn''t help that type2 is a catch all for about a dozen different things even when properly diagnosed that require different treatments.
Check references and find an expert do not take just any doctors opinion on it.
If a full blood workup hasnt been done it needs to be done right away.

Hey Storm, if you know what this book is, I would like to get it for her... or tell her to get it. She''s a nice girl... and is currently on anti depressants (has been for a while, I think) and I would hate to see her life affected badly because of a misdiagnosis. THANKS!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/8/2007 11:37:41 AM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 6/8/2007 7:29:19 AM

Author: strmrdr

There is really a book that can be written on this and I''m not up to it right now(no sleep, elbow acting up), maybe this weekend but.. the most important thing is get a second opinion!

Bi-polar is one of the most misdiagnosed illnesses out there!

especially type2.

type1 or classic bi-polar is less common and hard to miss but type2 symptoms can be several other things that require different treatments.

It doesn''t help that type2 is a catch all for about a dozen different things even when properly diagnosed that require different treatments.

Check references and find an expert do not take just any doctors opinion on it.

If a full blood workup hasnt been done it needs to be done right away.

Hey Storm, if you know what this book is, I would like to get it for her... or tell her to get it. She''s a nice girl... and is currently on anti depressants (has been for a while, I think) and I would hate to see her life affected badly because of a misdiagnosis. THANKS!

If her doctor called her psycho, there is a good chance that he''s a quack. Bad reactions to antidepressants can often be misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder, so before she freaks out, she REALLY should get a second opinion and switch doctors permanently.

 

[monarch64]

I have a childhood friend who is bipolar. All the parents in my class knew about it but none of the kids knew so she wouldn''t get teased. I didn''t find out, in fact, until college, that she was BP and on medication. We lost touch in high school and I haven''t seen her for a very long time but my mother tells me she''s married with children now so obviously she was able to deal with dating and all of that.

I don''t know...would it be the ideal situation? Probably not, and I''d be worried about future children since I believe BP is hereditary. But I wouldn''t shut love out of my life because the other person needed medication their entire lifetime.

 

[Fancy605]

I think it would depend on the person. If the person had it well under controll, then sure, why not. I think everyone has some odd issues...at least bipolar is an issue that can be medicated. To me I'd rather date an otherwise stable person who has bipolar than a person with no diagnosed mental illnesses who has...I dunno say tons of emotional bagage or 0 sense of humor or something like that. (Of course, this is only hypothetical because I have the relationship I want. If I were single, I may have looked at it differently.)

Is she a pretty cool girl otherwise?

I would think this isn't the sort of thing to bring up on a first date. Maybe after a few dates?

 

[metro]

Date: 6/8/2007 1:04:04 AM
Author: scarleta
I would not...

Ditto.

My ex was married to a women who was bi-polar and it was the downfall of their marriage. She had to stop taking her meds during her pregnancy and during her nursing months and her behavior was very erratic - and very scary. One day he came home from work and found her in the closet holding their 2-month old son, crying her eyes out. On another occasion, she freaked out and destroyed the baby''s nursery then called him at work to beg him to come home because she was "scared of what she might do". Not a good situation.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 6/8/2007 12:52:47 PM
Author: Fancy605
I think it would depend on the person. If the person had it well under controll, then sure, why not. I think everyone has some odd issues...at least bipolar is an issue that can be medicated. To me I''d rather date an otherwise stable person who has bipolar than a person with no diagnosed mental illnesses who has...I dunno say tons of emotional bagage or 0 sense of humor or something like that. (Of course, this is only hypothetical because I have the relationship I want. If I were single, I may have looked at it differently.)

Is she a pretty cool girl otherwise?

I would think this isn''t the sort of thing to bring up on a first date. Maybe after a few dates?

I like her. She has a good sense of humor, she likes animals (which to me is a huge plus). We''re work friends, I think she talked to me about it because I''m not really ''in'' her life, she doesn''t want to tell her family and needed someone to talk to. She was pale as a sheet when she came in after her Dr. appointment. I haven''t noticed anything weird about her-- she''s chatty and well, a little ''intense'' like me, and has trouble relaxing (also like me)-- but those are the similarities that drew us together. I was talking about massages and she said she has trouble relaxing, and I do too.... so we went to lunch a few weeks ago. Since then, we''ve been chatting, we''ve gone out a few times.

I dunno, she seems very likable. Everyone here likes her.

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 6/8/2007 11:37:41 AM
Author: Gypsy


Hey Storm, if you know what this book is, I would like to get it for her... or tell her to get it. She''s a nice girl... and is currently on anti depressants (has been for a while, I think) and I would hate to see her life affected badly because of a misdiagnosis. THANKS!

I dont know of one source that covers it in great detail and there is a lot of misinformation out there.

This weekend I will post some more of what I know about it.

 

[Gypsy]

I just told her Storm, she says thank you. I of course, thank you too. I didn''t give her the link... that was foir my own edification, and I don''t want to panic her... I just told her that I mentioned it to someone I knew, and they said that they have some links/books for her to look into.

 

[strmrdr]

official gov documents.. pretty useless...
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bipolar.cfm

This is actually a pretty good overview with a few things I disagree with..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder

honestly she needs it confirmed before digging into the information too much.

 

[strmrdr]

reality of treatment:
it is diagnosed by symptoms and the treatment in affect chases those symptoms.
The goal is to get a base drug that takes care of the widest range of symptoms with the fewest side effects.
Then the rest of the symptoms and the side effects of the base drug are chased with other drugs.
Which is what leads to the off med cycles.

First these drugs cant be safely stopped without hospitalization once started.
So what happens is that someone gets on a base drug and it helps, kewl
In a few weeks they are having trouble sleeping so add another drug.
Sometime down the road another symptom appears so they add another drug
and another
and another
The person starts feeling like a zombie and goes off the meds.
If they survive that and get back into treatment it wash rinses and repeats.
It could be years between each stage but almost everyone on these type of drugs needs hospitalization at some point to clean them out and start over.
It can be years between them however and many people live and function very well with it.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I did in highschool and it is rough. Granted he had other issues as well (family issues) but I am not sure I could have married him. There is always the chance they will stop their meds (at least in my ex''s case). And you bring up a good point of being genetically passed down.

 

[strmrdr]

Why is bi-polar misdiagnosed?
Because it is symptom based and the person going thru it is often a very poor source of information on what is going on.
So clues have to be researched from behaviour, lifestyle and family.
The problem is that patients often act different around their doctors and hide stuff from family.
They can be masters at masking what is going on.
Ask someone on a manic episode how they are and they will often tell you they are on the top of the world and everything is fine.

Now for the worse reason,
It triggers help, insurance has often limited amounts for mental health care a bi-polar diagnoses makes the limits go away.
It also insures ssi and medical aid from the government where other illnesses might not.
So sometimes it is in the patients best interest at first.
This leads to problems down the road as more doctors get involved.
But its really a no win situation for the doctors too.
Its the state of mental health care in the US.

 

[strmrdr]

Is it genetic?
Partly but its not a direct line for example someone I know out of 75 people in the same family an Aunt and a Nephew have it and the rest of the family is OK or has very mild problems but not too the extent of bi-polar.
Usually there is a trigger of some kind, it can be meds, or stress or life situations especially for type2.
Type1 is more commonly self triggering.
One of the diagnoses for type1 is a lack of a trigger.
The younger the person is the more likely it is type1 and the older they are the more likely its type2.

 

[strmrdr]

self medication

many people with type2 will self medicate with booze and other drugs and it will mask it.
This is extremely dangerous because the damage done by them can make the imbalances worse.
type1 cant be masked in this way.

 

[Miscka]

Well I thought I would throw in my two cents here, and come to the defense of your friend. My grandmother has bipolar disorder, and she has led a normal functional life. I know there have been times that she went through hard times, but she has managed them well. I will also, most importantly in this post, add that she has been happily married for over 50 years. Her marriage is what I aspire to hopefully someday achieve. My grandparents are the most in love people I have ever known, and after all this time. My grandfather has had troubles of his own but they have come through it all together and made a wonderful life and family. I know it wasn''t always easy, but I think there is no reason your friend cannot find someone that loves her and she loves enough to make it work. Also I think that it is important for her to get a second opinion, and to realize that bipolar disorder is extremely tricky to recognize, and that taking care of herself and monitoring her meds carefully is very important. To answer your original question (lol sorry this is so long!) yes I would date someone, if I thought that they were otherwise a good match for me AND that they were willing to seek treatment and take care of it. Hope this helps!