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Would you date a person with Bi-polar disorder?

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bravo Miscka
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I asked about genetic, she says no one in her family has been diagnosed but a couple of them are a little off. They aren''t american though so there is a large stigma attached to mental illness in their culture so she''s sure they''ve never been to therapy. He was apparently very clear that it''s type two, not type one. She has an apointment with another Dr next week, and she talked to her primary care doctor who said to get a second opinion, and that the definition of bi-polar two has recently been expanded and that a lot of behavoirs that used to go diagnosed are now thought to be milder forms of bi-polar. Apparently many type two are completely functioning and don''t develop into type one. She''s in her late twenties. A few years younger than me.
 
Mishka that was wonderful to read. I wish I could share your post with her... but I think that the majority of this thread is more than she could handle right now. She''s not doing well, and is frankly very scared and very alone.
 
Okay, here goes:

I have Bipolar Type II, although I tend to prefer the term manic depression. I have had problems caused by it since I was 15 and I was finally diagnosed in 1999 (I'm 35 this year.)

Most people won't even realise that someone has this unless they are in the middle of an episode and even then they would need to be close to the person.

I have a lot of problems with very severe depressions that tend to last around 3-4 months, the hypomanic (there are NO manic episode with Type II - a manic episode means that you are Type I) episodes are truly wonderful: I'm super positive, hugely creative, the world's greatest employee and life is wonderful. Okay so I can't sleep very much, tend to do a lot of shopping and clean my house more than normal and I like to go out and see people and I start lots of new and exciting projects so it can be a little wearing for my nearest and dearest!

There are drugs that can be used to treat it, but many have nasty side effects - I spent a year as a zombie! Lithium is meant to be very good, but you have to keep taking it: if you stop you tend to relapse worse and it won't work as well when you start taking it. Antidepressants tend to just send you hypomanic and then stop working after 6 weeks - Prozac poop-out it's known as.

I haven't taken any drugs to treat my manic depression for the last 4 years. I have learnt my markers and try to control this through my behaviour. I know if I start to get excitable it's time for quiet time, I am careful not to stay out partying all night, I watch my spending when I'm high, I have a 6 week cooling off period for new ventures!

Mind you, ask any shrink - manic depressives are very bad at taking drugs! If only they could fix the drugs so you are a little high it would be okay - but they don't, and normal just feels crap after a while. So we all decide that the shrink was wrong and we are okay after all, stop taking the pills and hey presto we get hit by another episode. It's like the logical part of your mind knows it's a good thing to comply and the other side is like a naughty kid saying "Shan't, won't, can't make me..."

I have managed very well except with a very serious depressive breakdown earlier this year which was due entirely to taking on way too much work and not having enough space for me. Stress and bipolar do not mix and I have had to majorly adjust my workload. I am going back to see a psychiatrist in the next couple of weeks to re-evaluate my decision to not treat (I want to wait till I've had kids before going for lithium).

I have a very strong family history - my father, sister and brother have serious depression, my other sister is bipolar II as is my mother and it gets worse when I look at aunts, uncles, grandparents etc! Lucky me! There is a very strong genetic predisposition element - my bipolar sister is a psychologist and has been working on some of the latest research and it seems that it is passed mainly down the female line. it is also highly comorbid with migraine and asperger's syndrome.

FI and I have talked about the high probability of our children having it - I love being alive so my feeling is that I will do as much research as possible to minimise the possibility of them developing it and of supporting them if they do.

FI is fantastically good with me - his father is severely Bipolar I (and a leading MD in the UK), so he's had experience. Oh and he's cyclothymic himself (mild form of bipolar II). He is just supportive and encourages me when I'm down and hugs me when I'm suicidal. He is definitely my rock! I told him about 3 weeks into our relationship and he just laughed and said that he already knew as it was obvious if you knew anything about the illness! I had been so scared, it's horrible when you feel you need to warn people - like you are damaged goods
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. Trust me, we are nothing like "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", most of my bipolar friends are deeply intelligent, very creative, high achievers who tend to find life a bit difficult at times.

I'm lucky jobwise - 3/4 of my bosses are Bipolar II themselves so we all know how to cope with each other. A huge number of politicians have some form of mental illness! Winston Churchill is a prime example. Otherwise I would say that 90% of people who know me have no idea at all.

At the end of the day, if I could wave a magic wand and be free of it, I'm not sure I would. Yes the depressions are hell, but the highs are so amazing. I feel very lucky in someways in that I get to see the world and feel emotions in ways that other people will never even dream of.

I would advise your friend to read up on bipolar II and to see how they feel after that - they will never be bored I can promise you that, although they may be exhausted!

If you want to ask any questions I'll do my best to answer.
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Kay Jamiseon Redfield wrote a great book "The Unquiet Mind" about her own battle with Type I - she is one of the leading psychiatrists in the USA. It's very helpful and can make you feel a little less alone! I recommend it to your friend. Tell her to remember you can have a great life and be bipolar - hey it really helps with the obsessive weding planning
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WOW Pandora that's amazing. And so good to hear. Very brave of you. Thank you. What's got her confused (as far as I could tell over lunch) is that when she skips a day (accidentally) of her meds she goes wacky... but not high. No energy spike, just irritability and anger and stress and panic--she did say that she's had a couple of rage episodes. She was just going in to get her meds adjusted wanted a controled release... but our insurance changed (she used to be with Kaiser, our company isn't doing that anymore) so she needed to find a new doctor. The doctor told her that her anger/iritibility and rage ARE her hypermania. But she says it lasts for a couple hours-- never more. And always stops when she's back on her medication.
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Hmmm, I''d consider another shrink.

My episodes are quite long - I''m diagnosed as rapid cycling because I have more than 4 in a year (daily ups and downs are ultra-rapid cycling.)

I tend to be depressed - usual depressive symptoms, but hypersomnia tends to be more common with bipolar depression - ie sleep all day rather than insomnia.

or Hypomanic - superpositive, creative, goal orientated, talkative, racing thoughts, new ideas, shop A LOT - but never gone for the high risk taking, or sleeping with loads of people that can be a symptom.

and once or twice I have had what they call "Mixed episodes" where you have all the energy of the highs and the irritability of the lows all at the same time. For me they are very frightening.

For me, episodes tend to last about 3-4 months for depressions, 4-5 months for hypomania and about 2 weeks for mixed, but everyone''s different - but on the whole there should be definite "blocks" of mood - not just being irritable for 15 minutes or so, but for maybe 3 days or longer.

Because so much of mental illness is just an exaggeration of "normal" behaviour it is incredibly difficult to diagnose until you have had a couple of very definite episodes of something.

What drugs is she on by the way. Other than Lithium (which I am saving) my sister or I''ve probably had pretty much everything going!
 
Hmmmm, tough question.
Someone I know well has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder and life is VERY difficult for him and his family. From what I have observed, I think if his wife had known the true severity of his illness before she married him, she probably would not have married him, which is very sad, but true. She says he is very non-compliant with his meds, and has never really given any drug regimen a fair shake. He is classic textbook Bi-Polar and I can see how his behaviors would be incredibly frustrating and trying on a day-in, day-out, basis. I know a lot of people work very hard, do very well and live wonderfully normal lives with Bi-Polar Disorder -- true success stories, and I have so much respect and admiration for them. I wish my friend was one of them.
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Hopefully someday.
 
I think she has an appointment this week with a different shrink, not sure what day, and I''ll email her over the weekend just in case her appointment is on Monday. She''s not good at web research... so I''ll probably help her with that. As for email, I have no way of getting yours to pass on, and I don''t know if she would be okay with that... but I will mention it to her. Especially if after the next shrink agrees with the first (although hopefully this one won''t tell her she''s pyscho
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If I have any questions, can I ask you? I''d just hate to be going through this alone, if it were me. Especially if I couldn''t tell my family.

Also, I don''t remember what depression meds she said she was on... but I''ll ask... I know the shrink perscribed her Lamictal, though she isn''t taking it, cause we were both looking on that website today. Horrible rash that can lead to hospitalization and even death.
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I have not yet read this book, although I am acquainted with the author. I think that her story may be interesting to some of you.

What Goes Up

The author also has a website.


Deborah
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Whether or not I would date someone who is bipolar won''t be much help to your friend. What will be is that I knew a woman who was bipolar who managed to have successful long-term relationships with men who knew about her condition and were quite accepting of her as a whole being and all that came with it. And she was not someone who was willing to regularly take her meds and do what she needed to control her manic urges (up or down).

She tended to gravitate towards older-than-her (she was in her late 20s they were all in their 40s), grounded, stable men who knew themselves very well. They all would have married her, it wasn''t what she wanted. So when the time comes for your friend to look for a life partner those things may be good priorities on her criteria list for good matches. I know the older part might sound strange, but older men who want to be in serious relationships are, stereotypically, more aware of their own faults and accepting of the faults of their mates.

I remember how difficult the journey of the girl I mentioned was, and I''m sure still is. I wish your friend peace. Thank you for being a kind soul with genuine concern for her longterm health and wellbeing. I''m sure it means a lot to her.
 
Date: 6/8/2007 10:39:48 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Whether or not I would date someone who is bipolar won''t be much help to your friend. What will be is that I knew a woman who was bipolar who managed to have successful long-term relationships with men who knew about her condition and were quite accepting of her as a whole being and all that came with it. And she was not someone who was willing to regularly take her meds and do what she needed to control her manic urges (up or down).

She tended to gravitate towards older-than-her (she was in her late 20s they were all in their 40s), grounded, stable men who knew themselves very well. They all would have married her, it wasn''t what she wanted. So when the time comes for your friend to look for a life partner those things may be good priorities on her criteria list for good matches. I know the older part might sound strange, but older men who want to be in serious relationships are, stereotypically, more aware of their own faults and accepting of the faults of their mates.

I remember how difficult the journey of the girl I mentioned was, and I''m sure still is. I wish your friend peace. Thank you for being a kind soul with genuine concern for her longterm health and wellbeing. I''m sure it means a lot to her.
Great post Kimberly!!!
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Date: 6/8/2007 10:39:48 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Whether or not I would date someone who is bipolar won''t be much help to your friend. What will be is that I knew a woman who was bipolar who managed to have successful long-term relationships with men who knew about her condition and were quite accepting of her as a whole being and all that came with it. And she was not someone who was willing to regularly take her meds and do what she needed to control her manic urges (up or down).


She tended to gravitate towards older-than-her (she was in her late 20s they were all in their 40s), grounded, stable men who knew themselves very well. They all would have married her, it wasn''t what she wanted. So when the time comes for your friend to look for a life partner those things may be good priorities on her criteria list for good matches. I know the older part might sound strange, but older men who want to be in serious relationships are, stereotypically, more aware of their own faults and accepting of the faults of their mates.


I remember how difficult the journey of the girl I mentioned was, and I''m sure still is. I wish your friend peace. Thank you for being a kind soul with genuine concern for her longterm health and wellbeing. I''m sure it means a lot to her.

Beautiful post. Thank you Kim. Maybe I will share this post with her... after she has consulted with the other doctor.
 
All drugs come with a raft of possible side effects on the literature. It's really important that you titre properly at the beginning to minimise the adverse effects.

I found going up a quarter dose every 3 days was all I could cope with - some people go faster, others slower. You feel pretty horrible while you are doing this.

Lamotrigine seems to have good write ups and sounds better than carbemazepine which is what I last had. Don't freak out about the possible side effects. You have to accept them with bipolar or you can't be treated. For example the theraputic level of lithium is very close to the toxic level which is why you need lots of blood tests to check your levels at regular intervals.

Stevens Johnsons syndrome (the rash) is very, very rare - but you have to titre carefully just in case - but it shouldn't be something that puts you off taking it!

ETA In fact, just spoken to my sister who is being treated by one of the top guys in London who has put her on it yesterday (in combo with her lithium) and he thinks it's a wonder drug with almost no side effects (all drugs list them - some everyone gets a few, some only a few get one - if that makes sense), no weight gain. It seems to also work well on migraine (bane of my life) so I'm quite tempted to try this one myself!

Feel free to ask me anything and I try to answer. If your friend does have bipolar II it's important that she reads up on it. Yu have to become an expert on your own disease as self awareness of your triggers is half the battle - it's that which means I don't have to take drugs right now for it. Internet is a great source - although stick to the bigger sites (Bipolar world etc) as there is a lot of crap out there.

I find it quite odd that lots of people with bipolar read that a lot of creative people have bipolar and so decide they x = y and they are the new Van Gogh. The bipolar websites are littered with appalling paintings and dire poetry. (A few good bits too!)
 
Wow, your poor friend. What a tough situation. I personally would not date someone with ANY known mental disorder, my mom & her wacky family tree scared me off that. I hate to sound exclusionary, but I grew up with it and had enough. (but they are the in-denial, untreated, just plain crazy variety)

Now that said, your friend sounds very conscientous--and if she can control it successfully, then I don't see why there isn't a nice person out there who would be honored to love her. I'd just take it slow in her shoes & spend time getting to know them as a friend first & then tell them.

But Cehra's post made me LOL...one of them has to be sane...probably very wise words.

I wish her love & happiness.

Diver

ETA: Pandora, wow, just read your posts. you are very nice to post your experience, certainly an eye-opener for me. I guess its hard to know what to do unless you've walked a mile in someone's shoes. It's unfortunate that the meds are so tricky to fine tune. You sound like a wonderful woman with a good handle on things. So I have to retract my previous statement...If I were a guy & we clicked, I'd date you. LOL. I guess it all comes down to what it all comes down to in relationships: you find what fits & go with it.
 
Date: 6/8/2007 12:20:44 AM
Author: decodelighted
If I knew in advance, before getting involved -- I don't think I'd choose to date someone with bi-polar disorder ... mostly cuz my own family tree is full up o' crazy & that's plenty to deal w/already.
deco, this? Made me nearly spit my coffee out all over my screen! But I ditto your post. Mainly because there are too many variables. If the person faces life challenges and gets depressed will they go off their meds? Would they pass this to children? Too many questions that have no guarantees. I know that sounds unfair but yeah, I wouldn't choose to date someone with any serious mental health disorder if I knew about it up front. Having said that, Pandora seems to be very responsible about managing her situation so that's a different story altogether. I guess there's no way to know...and I wouldn't know if I could say "NO" if I didn't know the person had such a condition and I fell in love with them first.
 
I don''t have an opinion on this issue, but I''d like to applaud Pandora for sharing.
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Date: 6/8/2007 10:49:00 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 6/8/2007 10:39:48 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Whether or not I would date someone who is bipolar won''t be much help to your friend. What will be is that I knew a woman who was bipolar who managed to have successful long-term relationships with men who knew about her condition and were quite accepting of her as a whole being and all that came with it. And she was not someone who was willing to regularly take her meds and do what she needed to control her manic urges (up or down).


She tended to gravitate towards older-than-her (she was in her late 20s they were all in their 40s), grounded, stable men who knew themselves very well. They all would have married her, it wasn''t what she wanted. So when the time comes for your friend to look for a life partner those things may be good priorities on her criteria list for good matches. I know the older part might sound strange, but older men who want to be in serious relationships are, stereotypically, more aware of their own faults and accepting of the faults of their mates.


I remember how difficult the journey of the girl I mentioned was, and I''m sure still is. I wish your friend peace. Thank you for being a kind soul with genuine concern for her longterm health and wellbeing. I''m sure it means a lot to her.

Beautiful post. Thank you Kim. Maybe I will share this post with her... after she has consulted with the other doctor.
My pleasure!

But I need to reword a line: I know the older part might sound strange, but older men who want to be in serious relationships are, stereotypically, more aware of their own faults and accepting of the faults of their mates. Should read: I know the older part might sound strange, but older men who want to be in serious relationships are, stereotypically, more aware of their own idiosyncrasies and qualities that make them uniquely who they are, and in turn are more accepting and understanding of the qualities that make their mates personalities their own. As I do not belileve being bipolar is a "fault".
 
bravo pandora

I have been thinking about the main topic question for a while and still dont have an answer.
It is a hard road for both the person who has it and those that love them.

(the real answer is that I wont date anyone other than wifey2b cuz she owns my heart and all my love :} but am still considering the question from other directions)
 
Great clarification Kimberley.
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Selfishly, no. I know someone with that disorder, and she''s a mess and just is not stable. I just would not put myself in that position. Friend, yes, Mate, no.
 
Just wanted to add a couple of things.

First thanks for all the kind comments. I am fairly open about it - not like I tell everyone I meet, but I don''t hide it away, mainly because there is such a stigma and it''s often helpful for people to meet someone who does have mental illness and yet leads a full and normally happy life and who seems "normal". One in four of us will suffer some kind of mental illness in our lifetime so it''s pretty common really. It''s a bit like asthma or diabetes I suppose - buggers your life up in certain respects and that of your family and needs lifelong treatment.

Secondly, I don''t have a problem with people saying that they wouldn''t necessarily want to date/marry someone with BP and I don''t think you need to apologise for it.

Everyone has their limits on what is acceptable for them. I don''t date addicts for example as I can''t cope with their behaviour - but many other people do. If I get pregnant I will have amnio because I couldn''t cope with a Down''s child - but many other people can and do. I''m a very liberal person and believe in choices. I''m lucky that I have found a man who loves me, good bits, bad bits and mad bits! There is someone out there for everyone!
 
Pandora -- I SO dig your attitude! I hope more people realize how openness can really help progress -- both in changing perceptions & in bringing attention to the issue/stirring up research $ etc. Usually the folks who are thriving with a certain disorder or while in recovery go below the radar -- while out-of-control, criminal or destructive examples end up high profile!
 
I didn''t read the whole thread, but to answer the question, (if I was single) yes I would date someone with bi-polar disorder IF their situation was under control with medication, counseling or whatever it took. I have a distant cousin with bi-polar disorder who is not managing it well and who has made a lot of poor choices in life. Obviously I would not date my cousin anyway (!) but no, I would not date someone with a life such as his. I had a coworker/friend who also had bi-polar disorder and who managed it well, to the point where I never would have had any idea had she not told me. I would definitely date someone (a man) who was in her situation, mental healthwise.
 
Hello all, I thought I''d give an update:

Friend (we''ll call her Amanda) went to a different doctor for a second opinion this morning. Apparently some of her symptoms can be caused/ aggrivated by her current medications... but she (the new doctor) thinks that there IS a chance of a mood disorder... but at this time strongly disagrees with the bi-polar 2 diagnosis. Said that there are all different levels (with different names) and that they will only really be able to tell as time goes on... And because I had told her about my doctor wanting to switch me to Cymbalta for my anxiety, she asked her doc about it, and the doc said that they could do that, but the chances are that they might worsen her moods and cause actual hypermanic episodes which she currently doesn''t have, and may worsen her depression. So they''d have to use it in combination with a mood stabalizer anyway.

She only perscribed her klonopin for the time being and said that after they run some blood tests, endocrin tests, and other tests, as well as a couple more sessions.... they will need to consider different medications, but that it was going to be a joint decision between her and Amanda as to what types of drugs, side effects, withdrawals are acceptable.

So she is much relieved. And likes the new doctor. And is happy that it wasn''t a twenty minute wham bam you''re psycho ma''am diagnosis.

I think she''s on the right track. And I''m so glad you all helped me to help her so. I really appreicate it.
 
Hi Gypsy, I don''t know if you want new opinions, so feel free to disregard:

New to this, but I have a friend with similar problems:

bipolar is apparently the new "fad" diagnoses--docs misdiagnosed it for so long now they rush TO diagnose it.

sadly after my experience with my friend, and seriously dating someone who was clinically depressed, I would not choose to date someone with bipolar or depression. He is a good person but that is not something I would choose to bring into my life if I could avoid it, esp. since it can be passed onto children. Our friendship eventually shattered under his illness.


Pandora II you sound in some ways much like my friend except you have taken an active role in managing your illness. Many artists and brilliant people are bipolar; it is an integral part of their art. I just personally am not strong enough to be around it...
 
I don't think I would. But I'm kind of hyper myself and really need to be around someone VERRRRRY even tempered and calm. So for me, it would be a bad match!

ETA: Just read through the rest of the posts. Glad to hear your friend got a doctor she's more comfortable with! And kudos to Pandora for her supportive post!

The genetics issue is one I hadn't thought about. Makes me think. Hard.
 
Date: 6/19/2007 6:11:39 PM
Author: Independent Gal

The genetics issue is one I hadn''t thought about. Makes me think. Hard.

One of my first prenatal examines they had me fill out a family histrory form. This was on there.
 
I have a friend who is bi-polar. . . it is super hard on her and her family. She has to take so many medications. She feels like a rollar coaster, but she is very kind hearted. I just feel for her since she struggles with it. I don't think her kids have it.
I have no clue if I could date someone bi-polar? My hubby is super laid back and I love that.
 
Glad to hear she found a better Doc.
Will be praying for good news.
 
Gypsy, I hope your friend is doing better and can find something that works for her. Pandora, it''s nice to read that you have such a positive attitude even though the disorder can sometimes be really frightening. My BIL (DH''s twin) is bi-polar, although DH is not. After seeing the way BIL acts, I don''t know if I could be with someone who was bi-polar. But he is rarely on his medication and instead supplements with other (worse) things. It is ruining the relationship he has with his FI (although I personally think they were never good for each other, even before he developed this). Whatever your friend does, please help and remind her to take her meds. It is just devastating what can happen if they are stopped.

*M*
 
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