Would you help daughter/son w/ring purchase?

[GETanEDGE]

Here''s my two cents.......coming from a guy who is getting engaged very shortly and has financed everything on his own.
Being the guy, how can you possibly prove to your girlfriend''s parents that you are completely capable of caring for their daughter both physically and monetarily if you aren''t capable of purchasing an engagement ring for her on your own. To me, this is one of the major steps of becoming a man, and showing all parents involved that you are ready to move forward with the next step in your life. If you can''t afford to purchase an engagement ring on your own then how do you expect to start your life with another individual and support them. Something tells me that if you don''t have 3 to 5 thousand dollars for such a purchase, then you obviously aren''t ready to be getting married. Trust me the best possible thing parents can do is stay out of it. Unless you really want to be forking over money to your kids for the rest of your lives and refusing to let them go through the common struggles of becoming an adult. The last thing I would want is to receive money from a parent to purchase a ring. Handing down of a family heirloom stone might be an exception to this, since it has symbolic value, but I still don''t think I’d go for it. If your children want to become grown adults by taking that first step of getting engaged, then I suggest you let them……..on their own.

 

[sparklish]

You want to help your daughter and boyfriend. Assuming he is going to propose, how are you going to approach this? How are you going to ask him? I think any offer to help might smack of "pressure" or meddling. I can't imagine my mother, who is very close to my BF, offering him this, and I am sure he would refuse if she did. I think he'd be a little insulted and would feel weird about it. I also wouldn't want her to ask me about it, because if I had to get involved in financial negotiations, it would take the romance out of it.

Money is a tricky thing, and maybe the best way to approach it once you are sure they are planning to spend the rest of their lives together, is to say you have a little money set aside to help them in their new lives, and they can spend it on whatever they want. Perhaps this could be your engagement present to them. I know I'd much rather have a few thousand to spend on my downpayment than on bigger bling, and I know my BF has set aside what we need. I know your heart is in the right place, but I think if you want to give money as a gift, it should be just that - no strings attached.

Actually, my mother just gave me some money, no strings attached, and I am excited to use it on my education and a house. It would never have even crossed my mind (or my BF's) to spend it on a bigger ring than what my BF and I discussed.

 

[hoorray]

I agree with those who say the e-ring is between the couple, with the exception of inheritated stones. My mother offered my brother a diamond from his grandmother. He could use it or sell it (not very lucrative usually) to help pay for the ring. My brother declined, saved his money, and bought a beautiful ring that suits his new bride. My mother doesn't understand. She was being practical, and trying to help. Since it was a family stone, I think it's ok, but I give my brother credit for doing his own thing and making it just between them.

I would definately NOT feel good about a ring that my mother helped pay for, and neither would my DH. We proudly bought each other our rings. (and he would probably add... "time and time again".

).

 

[fountainfairfax]

Date: 4/3/2005 9:52:48 PM
Author: Ann
The money will be there ''if'' they want to use it. Otherwise, they can use it for whatever they see fit.

I think you''re on the right track, Ann

when you believe they are close to getting engaged but before he asks your husband for his blessing to marry her (cause that might spoil a suprise), give your daughter the money to put towards "future expenses" and leave it at that.

if they end up on ps together, she will most likely be actively involved in the ring process. if their tastes exceed their finances, maybe she''ll bring up the money you gave her or maybe they''ll stay within their means and use the money for something else. Either way, its their choice.

and I think that family financing of e-rings is common in affluent families- in my line of business I know a women whose parents opened a very generous engagement savings account when they knew the couple was getting serious- the couple could use it for whatever they wished and i wouldn''t be suprised if both her ring and his engagementl watch came from that fund. I also know someone who charged his son rent for several years to live in a family-owned property. When the son met Miss Right his parents handed him a passbook- they saved every cent he paid in rent so that when the day came he could buy an amazing ring without going into serious debt. it also taught him reponsibility in having to pay rent and budget over the years. and man is that ring a knock-out!

 

[AChiOAlumna]

I''ve been reading the responses about this and have thought alot about this before responding. I think your intentions are honorable. You are a caring mother who wants to help out her children...too bad more parents in the world aren''t as supportive. That being said...

An engagement is the mark of a man and woman showing their intention to wed and start a family independent of their families...including their own roles, rules and norms. The man is showing the woman he wants to "sever" the ties from his family and begin a new family with her. By providing money to your possible future SIL, you could be robbing him of this opportunity to demonstrate his independence to your daughter. It could also send a message that you don''t trust him to support your daughter, so you need to help him out (I''m not stating this IS the case, but it can be construed that way!). It also can be setting up the message that you intend to be part of the couple''s life in ways that does not allow them to be a family, which could actually prevent your daughter''s BF from proposing if he views you as the intrusive MIL rather than in a caring way.

I would recommend allowing the BF to purchase whatever HE can afford. My husband could only pay $700 for my initial wedding set as we were just starting out and could not afford much more. Since then, we''ve been able to establish our own finances without parental help and now can afford so much more 10 years later! Maybe use that money for the wedding, a nice house gift or the honeymoon, but offer it as a gift!

This is the first of many steps allowing your daughter to find her individuate from her own family and successfully move into her own family. I hope you can support her in this transition and find the support you need to help her with this transition....

Good luck! What a change in your life!!

 

[jaysonsmom]

I have to respectfully disagree with most of the people who have replied so far. I think it’s a great idea to help out with the e-ring whether your child is a girls or boy. In the Asian culture (hence in our home), it is totally acceptable for parents to help out in all the expenses related to college, weddings, first homes, or lavish gifts for new grandkids, especially if finances allow for it. My parents did it for me, and I plan to do the same for my children. I already have substantial savings accounts for both my children (boy and girl). Although I call it a college fund, they can use whatever is left for an engagement ring, to help with wedding costs or to buy their first homes. Why let your kids work and study at the same time when you can afford to let them concentrate on their studies? Why make them postpone their wedding so that they can “save” to pay for everything on their own? I don’t think you can spoil them or make them lazy just because they have everything handed to them. Raising them to with the right moral values is the key, and while I had everything “given” to me, I also know that I should repay my parents by taking care of them when they are no longer making money.

My parents are now retired, and live here in the US several months a year. They live with me when they are here, and I take care of them and give them anything they want to repay them for what they’ve given me in the past. Children shouldn’t expect anything but if given to them, they should be appreciative and accept (with the knowledge that they should repay the kindness from their parents).

 

[AGBF]

I had missed this thread until someone in another thread alluded to it. As someone who received the most *modest* of engagement rings (2 1-point diamonds inside a gold oval), I have to say that I would want that again, rather than a bigger stone from my parents. On the other hand, I have given my daughter a small diamond on a chain and if I ever choose to give her other diamond jewelry I will do so. She knows she will receiving my diamonds in due time...and that may not necessarily be when I die! I think an engagement ring, if she and her future fiancé want to get one, is for the two of them. On the night my husband proposed we went shopping together and he bought me coral earrings. The ring came later .

Deb

 

[Dancing Fire]

i remember when i told my dad i was getting marry,the first words that came out of his mouth was "i ain''t got no money" i wasn''t even thinking about asking him for money.

 

[Lynette]

My husband didn''t have the money for the ring we had picked out together and so after much trepidation he got up the nerve to call his parents and ask for a small loan. I listened while he talked to them and I could tell by the look on his face that the answer was "no". Like someone else mentioned, it was the proverbial cutting of the apron strings. We talked to the jeweler and he was nice enough to put the ring on layaway and 5 months later he let us take it early so that we could officially become engaged on Valentine''s Day. We got married with one minimum wage job between the two of us and never had financial help from our parents. That was 25 years ago and those were the best years of our lives- our house is paid off, we have no credit cards and barely any debt of any kind. Much as I hate to admit it I think we learned self-reliance and financial responsibility from his parents starting us off with a little tough love.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/3/2005 3:33:56 PM
Author: Kaili
Maybe it is just different perspective, but what is the difference between helping with a honeymoon/ down payment on a house and helping with a ring?

To me, the difference is this: the engagement ring is a gift the man gives as a token of HIS promise to marry her. It''s his promise....not his family''s.

The honeymoon isn''t a promise made by one party to the other, nor is the home.

 

[ForteKitty]

So the guy has $2000 saved up for his ring, but his family will give him another $2000 for "other" expenses. As long as the guy spends his own $2000 on the ring, and spend the other $2000 on the honeymoon, it's okay. But if he reverses it, then it's not okay?

Money's money. Either way, he's still taking money from his parents! I don't see the difference!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/3/2005 9:56:16 AM
Author:Ann
When the time comes, I would like to help our daughter and boyfriend purchase their engagement ring. I have secretly started a ''fund'' I don''t want to pay for the entire ring, but help. I know of other parents that have bought the ring and either helped picked it out or stayed out of the selection process. Is this unusual or maybe happens more than we realize? My own engagement ring was bought with a small inheritance from my husbands grandfather. We I see rings on college seniors, I wonder how a student can afford a ring - of any size.

As a woman, I''d say that I wouldn''t be comfortable with this idea. I wouldn''t want my MIL contributing toward my e-ring. To me, that should come from FI (now hubby) and him alone.

I think that your gesture is sweet. If you really want to contribute something and you want it to be a personal item, then perhaps you could put that money toward purchasing *another* piece of jewelry and give it as the beginning of a family heirloom. It will be a special token that you will have a part in.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 4/5/2005 4:56:38 PM
Author: aljdewey

To me, the difference is this: the engagement ring is a gift the man gives as a token of HIS promise to marry her. It''s his promise....not his family''s.

The honeymoon isn''t a promise made by one party to the other, nor is the home.

What I see is that the ring is a continous reminder of the bond where as the honeymoon is a short-term part of the relationship. Yes there are memories w/the honeymoon, but the ring will ALWAYS be a reminder of the commitment.

I wouldn''t want to be reminded of my MIL (or my mother, for this matter) every time I looked at my ring!

 

[sparklish]

I think the question I still have is, why is this a priority for you? Is it important to you that your daughter/daughter-in-law have a big diamond? If so, why? I would think about that.

There are so many things when you''re young that you need money for. And while diamonds are lovely, they''re perhaps not the most important, at least not to everyone. Or if they ARE, then that should be your child''s choice. Let them pick whether they want to spend the money on a lovely jewel or on something else. There are obviously a lot of people here who love diamonds and think they''re very important and worth spending money on. If even most of these people don''t seem to be in favour of this idea, I would have doubts about it.

I hope the negative reaction to your plan hasn''t made you not want to write, and I''m sure we''d all be interested to know what you do decide.

 

[lost on 5th]

Random thought…. Would any of your opinions be swayed if the circumstances were different? Or more specific?

What if it were a case of : no ring due to education costs vs. ring with borrowed money?

To me it sounds like ann’s intent is to plan on the potential she might be asked for financial help somewhere down the line (or offer it), if her daughter happened to get engaged during a time that was financially difficult for her and significant other (i.e. college). For the most part, current college costs = huge debt (there is a good reason ramen noodles are a staple food source on most campuses).


***note: I am changing the function from “gift” to “loan” here. Based on another thread running recently, most all agreed that it would be acceptable to ‘loan’ money to a friend/family member if it was an amount they were comfortable ‘giving’ and walking away from (as ann clearly is willing to)

 

[Rebemdee]

I like the idea others have offered about making the money available to them. Will they be paying for the wedding? If so, you can offer to pay for the cake, or flowers, or the bartender. If you are paying for it, you''ll need the money you are saving for the ring to pay for the wedding! I don''t think there is anything wrong with offering to help with the ring, and it''s such a kind gesture, but I do agree with others that it should reallly be what the man can afford at the time, and a promise to her, from him alone. My fiancee and I sat down and spoke quite openly about his budget and what I wanted, and were able to find a perfect ring for me. The process helped us develop language and skills for discussing money, needs, wants, etc., and we continue to refine the "money talk." That''s an essential part of being a successful couple, so perhaps not helping with the ring will help more than you know.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/6/2005 12:59:55 AM
Author: sparklish
I think the question I still have is, why is this a priority for you?

This is really the crux of the matter. I know it is heresy here to say that diamonds are not important, but that is really how *I* feel. I wasn't even interested in diamonds when I got engaged (or for the next 15-20 years). Somehow that must be meaningful to you, though, Ann. Do you know what it means to you? It might help us to come up with ideas if we knew what it was that you really hoped to achieve (emotionally speaking) by your generosity.

Deborah

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 4/6/2005 5:29:37 PM
Author: AGBF

Date: 4/6/2005 12:59:55 AM
Author: sparklish
I think the question I still have is, why is this a priority for you?

This is really the crux of the matter. I know it is heresy here to say that diamonds are not important, but that is really how *I* feel. I wasn''t even interested in diamonds when I got engaged (or for the next 15-20 years). Somehow that must be meaningful to you, though, Ann. Do you know what it means to you? It might help us to come up with ideas if we knew what it was that you really hoped to achieve (emotionally speaking) by your generosity.

Deborah

She already said that money would be available for a ring or whatever else they choose... *IF* they want it. Not that they MUST take it and use it on a ring.

I think you guys are digging way too deep into this matter.

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 4/3/2005 9:52:48 PM
Author: Ann
The money will be there ''if'' they want to use it. Otherwise, they can use it for whatever they see fit.

see? Can''t people just be generous w/o having everyone assume they have ulterior motives?

 

[Ann]

The money is there if they want it. I plan on telling my daughter she has this available to her and can use it for whatever when the time comes. Simple, there is nothing behind it. I don''t think I need to examine my motives for this. If they want to use it for their honeymoon, that is fine also. If they want to put it towards a portion of the ring/stone, then fine.

I did post the question and ask your opinions. I''m with ForteKitty on this one.

 

[Momoftwo]

I think that any money given for a ring or down payment on a house or whatever will almost always come with strings attached no matter what your culture. My inlaws are hispanic. We "borrowed" $400 a couple of years after we were married and my inlaws acted like it gave them rights to our lives and we paid them back in two months. My feeling is if you're old enough to get engaged, you're old enough to buy the ring or not have an engagement ring like a lot of people did in the past. You can get married without the engagement ring. I know a few people who don't have an engagement ring, just a wedding band. If you inherit a diamond, great, but otherwise, it's between the couple. My boys are 19 and 21 and I wouldn't give them money for an engagement ring. They also wouldn't ask or expect it. Cutting the umbilical and financial cord happens when they graduate college at the latest. We will give them a nice wedding gift (of cash probably) , but that's for them to spend on whatever they want, not what we decide. Some kids (and parents) never cut the cord and live their own lives. I've been married 24 years and my family stays out of my business. Gifts are gifts and are not designated for anything, period.

Also, if you cant' afford a ring (of any size) you shouldnt' be getting married.

 

[Judi W]

I missed this thread but it''s an interesting question. I would have absolutely no problem offering to pay for an engagement ring for my son or daughter. However, I feel strongly that this offer must come with NO STRINGS. I would never interfere in the choice of what they buy or try to influence them in any way. Of course, a basic limit must be established in advance, but I wouldn''t want the kids to feel obligated in any way. A gift of the heart should be without conditions.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/6/2005 5:38:44 PM
Author: ForteKitty
see? Can't people just be generous w/o having everyone assume they have ulterior motives?

Not Freudians .

Deb

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/7/2005 9:37:38 PM
Author: Momoftwo
Also, if you cant' afford a ring (of any size) you shouldnt' be getting married.

My parents were married in October, 1941 while they were poor college students. My father had turned 21 a few days before. He had to sit in a rumble seat in the rain while their witnesses tracked down the minister at a fund-raising dinner. My father had no ring at all. He borrowed one for the ceremony and the people at the dinner passed a hat to collect money for him to buy my mother a wedding band. Two months later he enlisted in the army after Pearl Harbor. He and my mother have always been generous to others and extremely frugal in their own habits. Even without having money for a ring, they were ready to marry. They had the sense *not* to spend money they needed on a ring! ANY ring! My mother *did* get a plain white gold wedding band with the wedding gift given to them by the dinner guests, however!

Deb

 

[Momoftwo]

Date: 4/8/2005 5:47:54 AM
Author: AGBF

Date: 4/7/2005 9:37:38 PM
Author: Momoftwo
Also, if you cant'' afford a ring (of any size) you shouldnt'' be getting married.

My parents were married in October, 1941 while they were poor college students. My father had turned 21 a few days before. He had to sit in a rumble seat in the rain while their witnesses tracked down the minister at a fund-raising dinner. My father had no ring at all. He borrowed one for the ceremony and the people at the dinner passed a hat to collect money for him to buy my mother a wedding band. Two months later he enlisted in the army after Pearl Harbor. He and my mother have always been generous to others and extremely frugal in their own habits. Even without having money for a ring, they were ready to marry. They had the sense *not* to spend money they needed on a ring! ANY ring! My mother *did* get a plain white gold wedding band with the wedding gift given to them by the dinner guests, however!

Deb

What you wrote above happened quite a bit then due to the WAR. People were afraid to wait. That was an extrordinary time. That''s not the case today and we are talking about the present. My parents also got married as poor college students in ''57 living on parttime jobs and scholarships. My point was that if you can''t afford an engagement ring, you shouldn''t expect your family to get it for you nor should they. My mom only had a plain gold band for the first 25 years, but tell the truth, how many people do you know that get married today with just a "simple" band and nothing in the bank? I think there are more than a few people who plead poverty for some things while driving nice cars, owning nice homes, etc. It does happen and I''ve seen it. I know people who have gone to their parents, whining about not having any money to buy a house or have a nice wedding, yet they drive Lexus, Audi''s, BMW''s and wear expensive clothes and shoes and $200 purses and have debt. My point also earlier was you don''t need an engagement ring if you really want to get married, but you probably shouldn''t be getting married if the ring is the most important thing. Until someone is financially able to cut those strings from mommy and daddy, they''re not ready to be married. As I happen to have two kids in college, I see how their peers can be. There are more than a few (by no means all) that due to their parents coddling them and trying to always be their friend by buying them everything possible, they can''t even take care of themselves. These are the same parents that will be totally involved in their grown children''s lives in every way which is very different from a healthy/normal parent child relationship at that point in their lives. The whole point of raising children is to empower them to be on their own, not to make them in anyway dependent on you as parents. That''s not fair to anyone.

 

[hummingbird]

I had the same problem like you guys are having.I had to go threw a lot of crap to find the right place to get our wedding rings.We had to go throw a yellow oage directory in Holland, and of course it was all written in dutch in that directory.But the we got recomenden a english directory that was owned by teleinfomedia bv and had a webbsite which was called www.telefoongids.bz and there we found our rings and our wedding planner.
so everything turned out fine, thank God.
What i mean by my story is that we should always take use of the internet to find what we need.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 4/8/2005 8:52

0 AM
Author: Momoftwo
My point also earlier was you don''t need an engagement ring if you really want to get married, but you probably shouldn''t be getting married if the ring is the most important thing.

I could tell that, actually...and I agree. I have an obsession with words, however, and had to make my point about it not being true that an inability (or unwillingness) to spend one''s few dollars on a ring meant that a couple could not be mature.

Deborah

 

[BigVig]

My opininon is based on what I believe, not traditions, cultural tendencies, etc.

If your son/daughter is so young - not working, or not working long - that they don''t have enough money to buy an engagement ring, I think helping and possibly buying it is appropriate. May want to even consider it a loan.

On the other hand, if he/she is a more mature age and has (or should have) enough money to purchase their own ring, even if it''s just a modest one, then, in my opinion, it''s not appropriate for a parent to pay for some or all of it. The point being that they are mature adults and if they''re mature enough to get married, and have been working, they should be responsible enough to pay for it themselves.

And by no means shoud parents be helping just so their son/daughter can have a "better" ring that what they can afford themselves. An e-ring is a symbol, not a contest!

Respectfully.

 

[MissAva]

I am about to get engaged, and I would be very upset if my mother made this sort of offer. It makes it sound like the mother thinks of her daugther and FSIL as children, not as adults ready to be married and on their own. JMO but I would rather see that money as a help towards a down payment on a house in the form of a wedding gift then towards a ring. Plus it is a bit insulting to the groom and his family...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Since you are asking our opinions...I think it is a really wonderful gesture but when I look at my own e-ring, the one where my FI saved for, picked out the diamond, planned everything, it is sacred. It is a symbol of HIS commitment to me. HIS love. A promise of sorts. I rather have gotten a smaller stone or no ring at all and have it be 100% from him, not 50% or 25%. Both our parents have been sucessful in life but we are independent from them. They do not pay our morgage or buy us cars. My parents are paying for most of the wedding but not our wedding rings or honeymoon and they have given us a budget. I know some will argue that it is the same. Money is money as someone else has said. But it is different. Buying my wedding dress is completely different than my engagement ring. I am sure you have the best attentions and "no strings attached" now but who knows how you will feel later. I am surprised your daughter''s boyfriend would accept help for an e-ring for your daughter. My FI would have never done that on principle.