Elmorton
Ideal_Rock
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WOW - I have been told how $$$ to pay for my plate, including due date for payment!
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Guilty Pleasure
Brilliant_Rock
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Technically, most people can afford to get married. It''s the huge party that they can''t afford. And I do agree that if you can''t afford to throw the big party, then you shouldn''t, regardless of the fact that many will bring cash.
I find this situation very odd, but at least it makes a little bit more sense considering she''s only inviting close friends and family and didn''t even send out invitaitons? However, I can think of a hundred different ways to have circumvented paying for a huge dinner, so this girl is completely off her rocker.
I find this situation very odd, but at least it makes a little bit more sense considering she''s only inviting close friends and family and didn''t even send out invitaitons? However, I can think of a hundred different ways to have circumvented paying for a huge dinner, so this girl is completely off her rocker.
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I got back in cash less than 7% of the cost of the wedding, and most of the gifts we received were one set of our $30 cutlery setting. Several people didn''t give gifts at all. I understand that cash is nice, but I invited people I wanted to attend, not because I wanted their money. If someone didn''t show up because they couldn''t afford a gift I would have felt sad because of the pressure they felt to give a gift.
doodle
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okay, so i''m notorious for sarcasm, and even i got caught off guard with that one! if someone did that to me, i''d NOT pay the money, then show up at their wedding with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some kool-aid, and a flask of vodka. i think that is perfectly on par with the manners and class she''s exhibiting with her wedding plans!
Gypsy
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Guilty Pleasure
Brilliant_Rock
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I think if I was in the situation, where I really could not afford to pay for a huge meal, then I''d do the following. I would invite my very closest friends and family to a ceremony with a cake and punch reception afterwards. I would go to dinner later that night with my parents and in-laws, and our siblings. I would call my other friends and let them know that my family was planning on going to dinner after the reception since we couldn''t afford to have a seated reception, and they are more than welcome to join us if they''d like to come.
I guess that''s what I would do???? I can think of several other options as well, I just know I wouldn''t do it the way this girl did!
I guess that''s what I would do???? I can think of several other options as well, I just know I wouldn''t do it the way this girl did!
lesco
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Brooklyngirl --- I undestand where you are coming from and I can relate. We have attended about 4 weddings this year and yes, we brought monetary gifts to all of them. We try to give at least what our meals cost and hopefully a little extra. Sometimes it is hard to know what a couple is really spending.
Regarding my friend/relative or whatever I should call her, First and foremost, this girl is not broke. She could afford to spend some money on her wedding. Secondly, I am starting to feel insulted. It is almost as if she is asking me to pay because I might not give her anything due to the short timeframe!!! We grew up together and were like sisters for most of our adolescent years. Come on girl, have some class.
I agree that when it comes to NYC weddings and the ridiculous costs involved, one can only hope that friends/family express their generosity the day of. Anything in NYC is expensive. However, the expectations are different for every couple. For us, we are clear in that we want to make sure that whatever we spend comes 100% from our own funds and we don't expect anything from anyone. It's very personal.
Regarding my friend/relative or whatever I should call her, First and foremost, this girl is not broke. She could afford to spend some money on her wedding. Secondly, I am starting to feel insulted. It is almost as if she is asking me to pay because I might not give her anything due to the short timeframe!!! We grew up together and were like sisters for most of our adolescent years. Come on girl, have some class.
I agree that when it comes to NYC weddings and the ridiculous costs involved, one can only hope that friends/family express their generosity the day of. Anything in NYC is expensive. However, the expectations are different for every couple. For us, we are clear in that we want to make sure that whatever we spend comes 100% from our own funds and we don't expect anything from anyone. It's very personal.
lesco
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Well, this couple who is very close to the groom called me last night and told me they accepted to go to the wedding ceremony but will not attend the boat ride. They were honest and expressed how they felt.Date: 12/16/2008 2:12:05 PM
Author: doodle
okay, so i''m notorious for sarcasm, and even i got caught off guard with that one! if someone did that to me, i''d NOT pay the money, then show up at their wedding with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some kool-aid, and a flask of vodka. i think that is perfectly on par with the manners and class she''s exhibiting with her wedding plans!
I feel like that''s impossible, really. Our wedding was $120 per guest (not counting the extras like bar hours and hors hors de''oeuvres), but I sincerely doubt that 95% of our guests would''ve guessed in that ballpark. Even the largest monetary gift that we received was not "enough"--not that we''d dream of expecting it, that''s just what I''m basing my "no one had a clue how much it cost" theory on.
I had never heard of the "pay for your plate" thing until we started planning our own wedding. I know it''s obviously more common in some places than others. I just assumed that everyone always gave what they felt was a "nice" gift, if anything at all.
I''m shocked to hear of someone taking it to this new level... it''s like alumni mixers where you have to buy a ticket
fieryred33143
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OMG LMAO!Date: 12/16/2008 2:12:05 PM
Author: doodle
okay, so i''m notorious for sarcasm, and even i got caught off guard with that one! if someone did that to me, i''d NOT pay the money, then show up at their wedding with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some kool-aid, and a flask of vodka. i think that is perfectly on par with the manners and class she''s exhibiting with her wedding plans!
That was fantastic!
You should call her back and let her know you''ll be bringing your own food.
HA Doodle you crack me up
bee*
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I don''t care if people give us nothing at all. I just want them to be there for our day and party!! I don''t think that people should plan their wedding on what others might pay.
I cannot believe that she sent you that text!! I would have texted her back after receiving the one about the money that I wouldn''t be able to make it in that case! I can''t believe that someone would do that!!
neatfreak
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Date: 12/16/2008 2:50:02 PM
Author: lesco
Date: 12/16/2008 2:12:05 PM
Author: doodle
okay, so i''m notorious for sarcasm, and even i got caught off guard with that one! if someone did that to me, i''d NOT pay the money, then show up at their wedding with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, some kool-aid, and a flask of vodka. i think that is perfectly on par with the manners and class she''s exhibiting with her wedding plans!
Well, this couple who is very close to the groom called me last night and told me they accepted to go to the wedding ceremony but will not attend the boat ride. They were honest and expressed how they felt.
Good for them. Someone needs to tell this bride that she is VERY VERY out of line.
Diva0413
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brooklyngirl
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*the following post is speaking for me and my situation only*
I think we we talk about gifts and expectations, it''s all really a matter of knowing your guests. For instance, in my family/cirlce people gift money for all occassions, and for all occassions (weddings, birthdays, etc.) they cover their plate. They have been doing this since I can remember, so I *know* that they will do the same thing when it comes to my wedding. That said, our wedding is not a small one (~120 people), and neither I nor FI know all the guests, and we aren''t close to too many of them. I think for a smaller wedding (I think you mentioned before that your wedding was ~30 people), where you''re close to everyone, what you''re saying makes a lot of sense. But, for a larger wedding in NYC, unfortunately, the sentiment cannot apply to every guest.
Also, when it comes to weddings, I know the guests have a certain set of expectations. FI and I had many clashes with our parents over that very thing. Our parents know that our guests have expectations, and they didn''t want to proceed with a wedding unless those expectations were met. As a result, our wedding is costing probably $50 per plate more than what we could have paid.
It boils down to regional and cultural norms. In come places people wouldn''t dream of bringing cash as a wedding gift, whereas in others, people wouldn''t dream of giving anything but. With that said, these are all unspoken rules that vary from place to place, and the majority of people are well aware of what those rules are. As far as how much to give, I''ve found most people know this also -- in my case, it''s probably the umpteenth wedding they''ve attended in recent years. Plus they all talk, at least privately about how much $ should be given, and most of them are close to someone who''s planned a wedding, and know from there. At least that''s what I''ve seen in my familiy.
mayachel
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brooklyngirl
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I agree with you about inviting only people you want to attend -- and for the most part that is what we did. However, in my family it would be pretty offensive to attend a wedding (or other celebration) empty handed. I, personally wouldn''t care too much if someone came empty handed, but I know my mom would be pretty offended if one of her relatives or friends came empty handed to my wedding.
But again, that''s why you can''t apply the same standard to everyone when it comes to this sort of thing -- it''s all very cultural.
brooklyngirl
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It definitely is hard to determine what a couple is spending, but in our circle, we give about $150-$200 per person for weddings regardless of the details. Hopefully that amount covers our plate and then some. It seems every couple of years the amount we give goes up (inflation, I guess
However, I am surprised that your friend is specifically asking for money -- and a specific amount too! That''s just offensive! It''s almost better to not invite people who you think won''t give you anything than asking those whom you invite for money
I totally agree with you that the expectations are different for every couple. It all depends on your family and cirlce of friends, and while it''s nice to be able to plan a wedding that''s all about you, many times it''s impossible, as you have to consider that the wedding is for your guests as well.
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lesco
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Yes BG my friend is not really asking for money as "hey, can you please help us out here", she is asking to be paid in advance for my meal. Very offensive. That's a whole different animal!Date: 12/16/2008 5:27:09 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
It definitely is hard to determine what a couple is spending, but in our circle, we give about $150-$200 per person for weddings regardless of the details. Hopefully that amount covers our plate and then some. It seems every couple of years the amount we give goes up (inflation, I guess) No one ever expects that their wedding will be fully paid by the guests.
However, I am surprised that your friend is specifically asking for money -- and a specific amount too! That's just offensive! It's almost better to not invite people who you think won't give you anything than asking those whom you invite for money
I totally agree with you that the expectations are different for every couple. It all depends on your family and circle of friends, and while it's nice to be able to plan a wedding that's all about you, many times it's impossible, as you have to consider that the wedding is for your guests as well.
As far as what's expected or not on weddings, we seem to have a completely different take on it. Call me selfish but to me our wedding day is the only day in which I am expecting everything to be about us. I make compromises everyday for everybody. I think we deserve to have this one day!
I come from a strong tradition - driven culture ( Latin American) . However, my family is not very traditional. They know me and will never expect me to invite someone we don't know or I'm not close with. Mom is the pushiest of them all yet surprisingly, she behaved. She only came up with 3 or 4 people I did not think about and whom I agree with. His parents, who are not latin american, will never even suggest who to invite, they are very unintrusive. As you said, it is all about understanding what's acceptable to you and your family.
brooklyngirl
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<----- ((Jealous)). My mother is quite pushy, and with the wedding she''s become even moreso. I originally contemplated a small DW, but she was quite upset at the idea. As far as the guest list, both of our parents are pretty intrusive. His parents are far less so than mine are, but still.Date: 12/16/2008 6:01:42 PM
Author: lesco
Yes, BG my friend is not really asking for money as ''hey, can you please help us out here'', she is asking to be paid in advance for my meal. Very offensive. That''s a whole different animal!Date: 12/16/2008 5:27:09 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
It definitely is hard to determine what a couple is spending, but in our circle, we give about $150-$200 per person for weddings regardless of the details. Hopefully that amount covers our plate and then some. It seems every couple of years the amount we give goes up (inflation, I guess) No one ever expects that their wedding will be fully paid by the guests.
However, I am surprised that your friend is specifically asking for money -- and a specific amount too! That''s just offensive! It''s almost better to not invite people who you think won''t give you anything than asking those whom you invite for money
I totally agree with you that the expectations are different for every couple. It all depends on your family and circle of friends, and while it''s nice to be able to plan a wedding that''s all about you, many times it''s impossible, as you have to consider that the wedding is for your guests as well.
As far as what''s expected or not on weddings, we seem to have a completely different take on it. Call me selfish but to me our wedding day is the only day in which I am expecting everything to be about us. I make compromises everyday for everybody. I think we deserve to have this one day!
I come from a strong tradition - driven culture ( Latin American) . However, my family is not very traditional. They know me and will never expect me to invite someone we don''t know or I''m not close with. Mom is the pushiest of them all yet surprisingly, she behaved. She only came up with 3 or 4 people I did not think about and whom I agree with. His parents, who are not latin american, will never even suggest who to invite, they are very unintrusive. As you said, it is all about understanding what''s acceptable to you and your family.
When I first started planning I was under the impression that it was all about FI and I, but I realize it''s not only my event, it''s also my/fi''s parents''. It doesn''t take away from the event one bit, and I am really looking forward to my wedding.
So, are you going to this wedding?
lesco
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Uhh interesting, I might reach the same conclusion as I go along!!!! Who knows. I am sure you both will have a beautiful day !
As of now, I'm not going. I am quite offended by this whole thing especially because I'm kind of remembering the stuff these two have pulled over the years... like their engagement "party" , check this one out:
Her FI reached us all and we were invited for the actual proposal, which was a surprise for my friend. After that, we were put on a limo for about 2 hrs and transported to some "castle - like hotel room" located far out from the city. We came back home 5 hrs later, hungry and tired. The only thing I remember being offered was some cheese and crackers for a meal. I mean, we could not leave the place as we arrived on this limo. There was nothing around, not even a McDonalds. Not cool
I forgot to mention that the reason there was not food served was because they had just come back from dinner. We could not eat because we were supposed to be at the proposal location far in advance. We did not know they were coming back from dinner either!
snlee
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emeraldlover1
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that_someone_special
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oobiecoo
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These people are ridiculous! I hope no one ends up attending or that someone lets her know that she is being tacky!
And for BrooklynGirl... I''d much rather have friends and family at my wedding who are rich in love and kindness then guests who are rich in money.
Just because you can''t afford to "cover your plate" doesn''t mean you shouldn''t go to a loved one''s wedding!
And for BrooklynGirl... I''d much rather have friends and family at my wedding who are rich in love and kindness then guests who are rich in money.
Just because you can''t afford to "cover your plate" doesn''t mean you shouldn''t go to a loved one''s wedding!
lesco
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I am dying here... You are such a poet! LOL LOL LOLDate: 12/17/2008 2:00:38 AM
Author: swedish bean
The more I think about it.. It''s like, ''Oh don''t worry, it''s only $150.... PLUS TAX'' PLUS TAX?? REALLY??? Why not include that in the original amount?? OH that''s right, because it''s absurd.
Plus tax. My ass.
Thomperchik
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I would have to agree with Brooklyngirl. It might have to do with location. I would normally give monetary gift since I''m bad with gifts to begin with, so the fact that they were asking for money upfront was rude IMO. The two weddings that I was asked for a monetary gift was in Miami, and from what I heard (I didn''t care to attend) they were very lavish. I feel very strong about this, because I know after FF and I get engaged it will be a while until we can get married and save up for the wedding of our dreams. We will work hard for everyone to enjoy themselves in our wedding. We definitely won''t expect for any monetary donations or for anyone to pay for their own plates unless they want to do it voluntarily with out us asking for it! Just my .02 cents...
fieryred33143
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Brilliant_Rock
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For those of you from areas where it is customary to "cover your plate":
Do you take int oaccount what kind of wedding it will be before deciding how much to give? Like for a Sunday brunch wedding outside the city, you give xx amount of dollars, but for a Saturday night affair in the city, you give twice as much?
Do you take int oaccount what kind of wedding it will be before deciding how much to give? Like for a Sunday brunch wedding outside the city, you give xx amount of dollars, but for a Saturday night affair in the city, you give twice as much?
brooklyngirl
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Guilty Pleasure - I''m not sure how others do it, I take into account what type of wedding it is to an extent. The minimum I will give for a wedding is $150 per person, if I know that the wedding is at a more expensive venue, I might give $250. In our circle there''s a set range for weddings, and everyone seems to follow it. Don''t ask how it gets established, because I have no idea -- but I think it''s mostly by word of mouth.
lesco -
@ your friend''s engagement party! The guy really should have asked someone (liker her mom) for help with the plannng. You can''t just leave people hungry!
oobiecoo, fiery - I woudn''t say that my guests are rich in money or poor in love! Both of our families are middle class, but they would never give us less than what they thought would cover their attendance because they want to leave $ in our pockets. I just want to be clear that I would never turn someone away because they didn''t cover their plate or anything like that, and this rules applies more to people who aren''t that close. There are some people who cannot miss the wedding regardless of the their financial circumstances, but there are some who can. If someone I''m not particularly close to invited me to a wedding, and I know I could not afford to go, I would not go. If they are close, I would figure something out.
lesco -
oobiecoo, fiery - I woudn''t say that my guests are rich in money or poor in love! Both of our families are middle class, but they would never give us less than what they thought would cover their attendance because they want to leave $ in our pockets. I just want to be clear that I would never turn someone away because they didn''t cover their plate or anything like that, and this rules applies more to people who aren''t that close. There are some people who cannot miss the wedding regardless of the their financial circumstances, but there are some who can. If someone I''m not particularly close to invited me to a wedding, and I know I could not afford to go, I would not go. If they are close, I would figure something out.
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